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Comedy
**It’s Christmastown**

Journalists Jeb Lund and David J. Roth step away from real world anxieties and step into the gentle, cornball, consequence-free world of the Hallmark Channel. Each time, we discuss a different Hallmark original movie—from Christmas cheer, to wedding jitters, to junk-store detectives—and break it down into recognizable components of angels, moms, moppets, sugary foods and themed sweaters, and try to make sense of when the stories veer away from comfort films and land in the uncanny valley. Welcome to a sweet, stilted vision of the world—not an escape from modern life, but a relaxing trip to an alternate universe where everyone is silly, chaste, nice, and mostly doing fine.

Latest Episodes:

134 - Giving Millennial Pandering a Hand Nov 29, 2024

DC PIERSON hitches a ride on a taco truck to THE SANTA SUMMIT (2023), but...

Is that the blowjob guy?

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Meet DC! ... Santacon: A cold version of St. Patrick's Day ... DC's Hallmark Wicker Man experience ... Southwestern pro-Christmas ... A 100-disc changer...

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Ava's Ben crush; Liam and Mac, construction networking ... Parasocial cast relationships ... The Beesley Touch ... A movie made of extra bits...

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: Knowingly secular; Second Angel Theory (Quebecois Freddie, Dasher); it takes a village ... Bloodhound Gang BJ Guy ... Eat Your Heart Out: Thicc sushi-place Christmas cookies; boilermakers; dry ice; pint eggnog; canteen; math jokes, round food; food trucks; wasabi rim...

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Mapping a nameless place; Chicagoland; co-opting city life; Dr. Where/Weir; Shelbyville ... Overdetermined: Quitting on networking; TK TK TK; dissonant, scary sincerity; passing a millennial torch ... Crossover: Any sitcom; a personal Pauley Perrette; Mike and the Mad Dog...

PART FIVE

The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Anti-business bartender; Freddie the Angel-Replicant; our two leads ... Who's the Real Villain?: Our underfunded public schools ... Rating: 4 ... Audience mistrust, atavistic studio notes...

PART SIX

The Leftovers: GIS for "Boston art teacher" ... Sam Bankman-Fried ... IMDB Dive: Christmas skills; "Jingle Bell" karaoke ... Cool Runnings, tacos, Casablanca ... Russell Hainline, we're your friends ... My sweatpants ... Pandering target ... "Hallmark 2000" ... Merry Christmas! ...

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

DC'S Instagram HERE and Bluesky HERE

133 - Women Laughing Alone with Christmas (Hockey Edition) Oct 24, 2024

JAMIE KIRSTEN HOWARD lost her credit card and the clerk is CHECKIN IT TWICE (2023), but...

We've already got the furry erotica!

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Glitterburrito ... Georgia championship hockey ... How Hallmark casting works

PART TWO

Jamie's Christmas credentials ... Mariah-Grinch Continuum ... Is the Grinch horny? Furry? ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Deal-stealing boyfriend; Team Christmas Week; French-Canadian players ... Just settle! Like the rest of us! ... Covid-fueled throwback ... The Thee/Thou Threshold ... How do you act a story like this well? ... A "being adult and normal" fakeout ... Brain damage

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: Ashley's dad and Scott's coach ... A literal bible ... Eat Your Heart Out: Grandma's dire eggnog; The Cider Social; awful pastries, sugar drinks; Barbie food; stadium peppermint tea; Sleepytime mascot, pajama gun, candlelit ushers; the Drunken Puck; airport chocolates, airport beer ... Clear hotel lobby store ... Zamboni driving in the Richard Scarry region of the brain ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: French 85 Magazine, "How to Survive Christmas Alone"; hockey tournament/goon clash

PART FOUR

Overdetermined: Forced credit-card fussiness; "But I'm different"; plot-end collision and bastard father ... False Ray Bourque information ... Scott, winter ignorant ... Crossover: Scott, Deadpool adjacency and sassy Kristen Bell; money and a rewrite away from a real rom-com; Alex Garland's Civil War; LA to Vegas, Idaho Falls to Spokane ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Dave, rowdy child, good eater ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Googe-sound boy; 3 ... Who's the Real Villain: Ambition, cruel fatherhood, misogyny/the bar is THAT low

PART FIVE

Rating: 3 (non-derogatory) ... "Honestly, I'm fine with this" ... The Leftovers: Non-interruptive work-from-home ... Protagonist's dream/career age ... "Those who can't play, coach" ... A smooth 84 ... Pod Yourself The Wire namedrops ... Gretzky 3:16 ... Plus/Minus and stats annoyance ... Kevin Fair, Get Carter, Josie and the Pussycats, and The Core ... Saw 3-D ... "Idaho Falls" ... Postgame interview BS ... You know how to ruin a cider social ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

Jamie's Bluesky HERE

132 - Leftover Choirs Are How We Get Aunts Jun 28, 2024

Our secret families said it's TIME FOR HER TO COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS (2023), but first...

Let's sing ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Welcome to the cumbersome title, b*tch ... Cocoa in camo ... Throwback movie ... Cast Rundown ... Episode titles greatest hits ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Secret aunt, choir exercises ... Valid Wicker Man ... "A little 'Get Out'" ...

PART TWO

Spot the Angel: Susan and Pastor John ... Eat Your Heart Out: Oh my God dude; James Bond cocoa; pot-pie protocol; eggnog pancakes; off gluten; peppermint egg cream ...

PART THREE

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: We don't know where we are; Episode 78, Holiday Date? ... Overdetermined: Mom tells you to let go of your dreams, leave the eggnog carton ... Mom taunting ... Crossover: Safe callback; Glee ... Sports-triumph movies still exist ...

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Matthew, android lead; Alice, choirbot ... Tyler, Kyler, Tyler ... Who's the Real Villain: This movie ... Incredible titles work here ... Rating: 2, throwback movie ...

PART FIVE

The Leftovers: Executive Producer Blake Shelton ... Tim Allen and Robert Goulet ... "Accordion to Steve's Christmas Polka" ... Foxwoods theme song ... Blake Shelton kickbacks ... Good singers, bad performance ... Grace Leer and Allie Liebert Appreciation Station ... Bus weirdo ... LOT COP ... Prester John ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" by The Simpsons.

Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

131 - Live, Donut, Repeat Apr 03, 2024

MAURA QUINT & CHARLES STAR get trapped going ROUND AND ROUND (2023) with us, but...

Shut up, kids, it's the second episode of Hanukkah!

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Chag Sameach ... We regret the errors ... It's good! ... Jew Belong meets war ... Good movie crammed into Hallmark, better than Christmas fare ... Crying at The Rock, Actually ... Jade

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Maura's Monologue; dreidel-dependent f*ckups; dating-help time loop ... Nerd cred ... Your boyfriend/son will explain the nerd thing ... Fake Londoner, Comic Guy ... Double the characters, all matter ... Ashkenazi word load ... Format tweaking, references on the meta knife edge ... Which twist? Who knew? ... Can't hang (with) the DJ ... Jobbed mom ... Welcome back to Bar Mitzvah Chat

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: Grandma/Busker/Santa? ... Spot the Bard ... Eat Your Heart Out: Food-lite; plot/reality-proportional; "Hanukkah on Rye" callback; Jews as human ... Sufganiyot (reprise): Childhood, Israel, politics, inaccuracy ... Signifying body blows ... People, 2030 ... Blue Christmas ... Candles ... Latke assembly ... No superlatives ... Wine complaint ... Secular Jews, pls

PART FOUR

Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hanukkah on Rye ... Overdetermined: London-Nerd hookup vs. Time-loop revelations vs. Rachel's nerd cred/purpose/attitude ... Self-uncanny valleying ... Tropes as prison, not skeleton ... Curving tropes in on themselves ... Uncanny to movies, not humanity ... Crossover: Too real; a $10m budget and 30 days; Hellraiser; Granddad Groundhog Day; all Groundhog Days

PART FIVE

The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Grandpa; the most Methodist mom ... Rating: 5 ... The Leftovers: Jammed-in Santa ... Coda ... Almost famous ... Inclusive casting ... Bryan Greenberg, Rick Hoffman, and Vic Michaelis Appreciation Station ... Feelings at movie scale ... Real pillow-face ... Bears tight end ... Stay off the tollways ... Minion gifs ... Subway signage ... Two-hour novel revision ... Mixtapes ... 7 days ... IMDB Dive: Tamar Laddy ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, "Schlep the Halls with Loaves of Challah," by The Three Weissmen and "[I'm Spending] Hanukkah in Santa Monica," by Tom Lehrer.

130 - Curated Pilot, Dead Lobstermen Mar 22, 2024

MEREDITH CLARK and Jeb travel to CHRISTMAS ISLAND (2023), but...

The lighthouse made me so angry ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Attracted to the Menendez Brothers ... Six years of sloth ... Brain-braising movie cred ... "Christmas Neutral" ... Fuck 30 Rock (Geographical) ... "A Christmas Kettling" ... OK glurge, insufficient bonkersocity ...

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Christmas Guy Oliver, Grandpa Postal Santa; week nor'easter; anti-business business parents ... Discount billionaires ... Pilot, cook, flight attendant ... Hallmark lifestyle porn ... Dead lobstermen ... Briny Santa, orca driver ... Stakes-killing trauma ... Wicker Man end! ... Too normal for this swerve ... Fear of Flying vs. Love of Booty ... F'n lighthouse! ...

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: Grandpa McCloud ... Eat Your Heart Out: Plane hot chocolate, and more; lobsters with hats, with feelings; facecakes at Nott Pub ... Import/export ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes 83, 94 and 129 ... Overdetermined: Sewing machine (longingly); social-media save; "he ignored weather warnings" ...

PART FOUR

Crossover: Wicker Man, Trailer Park Boys, Deadliest Catch, Cocoa Dismemberment, Lighthouse Documentary (Herzog) ... Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Grandpa McCloud; Co-Pilot Derek ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Curly Sue audition memories; also, 2 ...

PART FIVE

Rating: 3 ... The Leftovers: Old Singer ... Air-traffic control meet-cute ... Curated experience ... Green candycane ... "This is your dream job?" ... IMDB Dive ... No breath, no nor'easter ... Now you're like me ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Trailer Park Boys Theme (I Left My Heart in San Francisco)."

Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

129 - The Almost Famous of Brain Cancer Feb 23, 2024

We're checking out cemeteries for when MS. CHRISTMAS COMES TO TOWN (2023), but...

You're gonna wanna braise that elf ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Blood tests ... Letters to Santa: 'Are You Dead?' Edition ... New big TV ... Gatorade trauma basketball ... WWI of motion smoothing ... Jobless with SSRI's ...

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: College lover, Washington New England ... It's the terminal diagnosis show! ... Miss Christmas: Origins ... Cancer, Grief and Kindness: The Movie ... Commendably adult ...

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: Travis or Boss Elizabeth ... Eat Your Heart Out: "Christmas Cacciatore"; braised elf; candy-cane straw cocoa; Hogan's Donuts math theory; peanut butter Christmas mice (tie) ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episode 83, "But Wait, There's Buckley" and Episode 94, "The Ecstasy of Competence" ... Overdetermined: No ... Seventeen minutes of modeling good behavior ... It's not Hall of Fame! ... Mad Dog on JFK ...

PART FOUR

The Swagony of Defeat: Yes, but it fits? ... The White Collar reverse camera ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Murray the Bus Driver! ... Rating: 3 ... Barbara Niven Appreciation Station ... The Leftovers: Power Man Jason Bourque ... Jason London ... Scatting ... Sold-out sound FX ... CSI Cyber, turning red, podcast ... Ken Cosgrove's scarlet suit and Amanda's Christmas jockey ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "The CSI Cyber Podcast Theme" by J.W. Friedman.

Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

128 - Bring the Troops Back to Home Goods Dec 22, 2023

JESSICA RITCHEY supports a HOLIDAY FOR HEROES (2019) because:

It's not a movie you watch, it's a pill you take ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...

PART ONE

Save a Troop Child ... "Dad History" - Michael Jackson ... Jessica: Tubi Magus ... Treat Williams ... Marc Blucas ... Muscle Twink Death ... NCAA athlete ... BDUs, dad bod ... Hallmark Hall of Fame vs. This ... Hallmark's Jehovah's Witness energy ... Home Goods ... S'mores contest ... Slighting the troops ...

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Military re-up; bringing a battalion home ... Missed dead-brother opportunity ... Combat without consequence ... The GLeeMONEX Initiative ... Job-solution man ... Spot the Angel: No ghost, no one, or everyone, or the Army ... Eat Your Heart Out: Coffee with warlords; thos beans; nog contest/Mexican chocolate nog; Waingro Counter; instant latte ...

PART THREE

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes 57, 86, and 5 ... Overdetermined: Dance at the barn; Hallmark war-zone quit; Ronin; support-the-troops speech ...

PART FOUR

Crossover: The Initiative; The Hurt Locker; Black Hawk Down II; Penny Dreadful ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Co-workers Jade and Pam; Linda Fiorentino as Jade; high school principal; Patton ... Who's the Real Villain: Nothing happened, the Neocons, imperialism ... The fruitlessness of this movie and the GWOT ...

PART FIVE

Rating: 2.5 ... The Leftovers: Cold breath, hot sun ... Shot in Connecticut ... Wet dock (reprise) ... Wrapped hockey stick (reprise) ... Make with the death! ... IMDB Dive: 1800 soap episodes; Blucas and Brawl in Cell Block 99; Breckin Meyer; Marcia Clark ... George Templeton Strong ... "I love that you're so into history" ... "I'm the eggnog king!" ... Feliz Navidad! ... A Royal Corgi Princess/Christmas; A Pinch of Portugal; Love, Inheritance and Lunch ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas!

All music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Ashokan Farewell," by Jay Ungar.

Jessica's Twitter HERE • BlueSky HERE • Patreon HERE

127 - A Gazebo Movie with Christmas Attached Jul 12, 2023

Grab a 2x4 for the gazebo, it's A VERY MERRY BRIDESMAID (2021), but...

Let's get back to the ugly Christmas sweater bachelor party ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Meet me at the gazebo ... Sleepytime ... Bright Lights, Big Sweater ... O'Henry ≠ Bierce ... Long trip, short distance ... Self-improvement procrastination ... Christmas Eve/Day weddings/birthdays ... Knifed by your own brother ...

PART TWO

Join the Patreon, hear the Fascist Date story ... Inside the Game ... Drizzle, the condom ... Institutional Haley Joel Osment bias ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Paul, Julia and real estate; Julia, the Reasonable Bridezilla, and a bespoke dress ... Berating clerks in Jeb Mode ... Dress delivery epilogue ... "Tree amateur," Emily Osment directed and the Earnest Hallmark style ...

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: Nana and multigenerational haunting ... Get out and see some of the world only for a little bit ... Dad's health issues ... How a Hallmark executive sees the world ... Eat Your Heart Out: Lobster stuffed with tacos; Argentinian Christmas cookies; load-bearing hot cocoa; concluding birthday cake; the Bears lost; empty beer bottles ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes: 1, 27, The Best Fries in the City, 4, 60, 125, the most important gazebo since "Stargazeboing at the Time Comet", 70 ...

PART FOUR

Overdetermined: Not really; overdetermined false starts; What Would Your Grandma Do? ... Crossover: Somebody Somewhere, with a Hallmark Script; Chicago Wedding Strike Force ...

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Not really, not Julia, or Paul, real estate buyer, gazebo erector ... Fitzcarraldo ... Rating: 3 ... IMDB Dive: Emily Osment, Annie Potts, Wallace Shawn; Deidrich and In the Dark; Tracy Andreen and Elena Valdez ... One of the Elite Princesses in the World Renowned Royal Court of the Tournament of Roses Parade Presented by Honda ... Gift-wrap punking our female lead ... Minor Emergency with Gordie LaSalle ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and Mozart's "Sequentia Rex Tremendae - Requiem In D Minor, K 626" performed by the Vienna Philharmonic and Chorus, conducted by Sir Georg Solti.

Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

126 - Journal to the Center of the Turf Jun 15, 2023

RYAN NANNI discovers all roads lead to Arli$$, and we're A WINNING TEAM (2023) because:

All we see is the goal ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...

PART ONE

Ryan's podcast samsara ... Rebawatchables ... Lady Frankenstein ... Mary Shelley, Bobby Bonilla ... Ryan's Hallmark expertise ... Brain damage ... Throwback, safety-presentation movie ... Christmas move, Arbor Day ...

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Divorce, Shakespeare production, Clemson scholarship ... The Hallmark ACC ... Spot the Hustle: Rasheed Wallace; unconvincing sports; no mock franchises; real arena, public park; diminishing sports ... Dropping acid, watching Hallmark, shrieking neighbor ... Commentator Bumble date ...

PART THREE

Eat Your Heart Out: "Fries"; urban oat milk, business wisdom; bread bowls; homemade tahini; (Boardwalk Empire butt cut); (admire-able); 10am pie; giant night pancakes; consolation wings; invisible omelet; bobcat stomach; winner buys! ... Alley gambling ...

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tulips, all roads lead to Arli$$, and the toxic PNW sports culture ... Hallmark ESPN never embraced debate ... Overdetermined: Ropes course; constantly humbling Emily; undecided protagonist; Ian has a type ... Ian: 30 years, two partners ...

PART FIVE

Crossover: Ted Lasso and Any Given Sunday; Aaron Rodgers' diarrhea retreat; Jon Bois' Friday Night Lights ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Social worker Brandon; no replicant; Sandra, the diner owner ... Who's the Real Villain: Emily's immaturity; no sports Big Bad; kids specializing in sports; Ian, The Dragon ... Rating: 2 ... Impossibly bad sports ... Star Trek Space Africans/Unlicensed Gilmore Girls ... Let Emily be mean! ...

PART SIX

The Leftovers: World-class woman's player, no-name loser ... Gary Sheffield public-park dingers ... Leadership writing, Taylor Swift ... Emily and online sports discussion ... Knitting coach, man down ... IMDB Dive ... "Mr. Dick" ... Geocaching ... No crutches! ... Sex at BYU ... Wet dock ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!

All music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Soul Dracula" by Hot Blood.

Ryan's Twitter HERE • Fullcast HERE

125 - If You Can Book Her, Joyner May 16, 2023

Surprise! It's AN UNEXPECTED CHRISTMAS (2021) and we're still dating! Also, ...

This is a bad idea ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Turn on Dave's She-Shed ... Lair, fort, Rodney Dangerfield ... Unprepared! ... "The Single Guy" ... Jackie Joyner-Kersee and Paul Campbell ... Three Wise Men and a Baby ... Christmas Season vs. Baseball Season ... Canadian doo-wop ... Paul Campbell (Screenwriting) Appreciation Station ... Mamet notes ... Sharing the quippy wealth ... Coming up! ...

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Dead Christmas patriarch, gay sister, gay chief of staff, writer's block ... 5pm publishing on Deadspin ... Jeff Loria's Peanuts book, How to Watch Football on Television ... Jamie's serial quits ... Wishing fountain, tourism slogan ... One Tree Hill ...

PART THREE

The Swagony of Defeat: Custom mugs, Balsam Hill Farmhouse Christmas Ornaments Set of 25 ... Advent tree, starting Thanksgiving ... Tense mugs, Airbnb-ass kitchen ... Make me care about this consumer ... Spot the Angel: Angel free, large family ... Eat Your Heart Out: Normal food; Monty Python teakettles; cookie plunder; implied Swedish chef; cookie violence; destroyed, carbonized (ceremonial) footlong hot dog; Footie Scran; large coffee, giant dog, huge thermal, 8 blocks; neat whiskey; giant woven candy cane; wry jazz club/Italian restaurant waiter and reprise ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Chicagoland marketing, finance, politics, society, inventor of sport peppers ... Chicago/Chicagoland inversion ... Marketing name ...

PART FOUR

Overdetermined: No, but Jamie is a frozen turd ... "Tired of living in fear" ... So particular ... Emily's generous self-pathologizing ... Do better, Emily ... Crossover: Todd Solondz Christmas; An Unexpected Blago; Kamala Harris ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 2.5 ... Rating: 3.5 ... Tighten it up, Jamie! ...

PART FOUR

The Leftovers: Jackie Joyner-Kersee ... Nobody can flush in Fulton ... Rat Funeral ... The Single Guy (Reprise) ... It's not karaoke, it's CAROLING ... IMDB Dive ... Courtney Belize, Ron Mexico ... Vending machine ...

Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

124 - Dream Cookies, Wine MILFs, Moon Boat Mar 30, 2023

We celebrate A KISMET CHRISTMAS (2022) with one dose of cookies and realize ...

When the ingenues need help, they make one call: La Chabert ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Jeb's at the Strawberry Festival ... Simultaneous Strep and Covid ... Jazzys in the Entenmann's Event Tent ... We liked it! ... Meta threat ... Parenthood, dud ensemble ... "Hallmark Christmas Blogger Sarah Ramos" ... Aware, but not kidding ... Fun hammy ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Grandma Mia decluttering; mom outta the picture; Patsy and the Mayor; book-ornament contest; looming deadlines; childhood collaborations ... Spot the Angel: Benny the agent; ancestral ghost; Travis ... Eat Your Heart Out: Kismet Cookies, not to be used internally; done when it seems done; secret ingredient is love; you need fudge ...

Break: NFL Films, "Classic Battle"

PART THREE

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Jeb screws up a TPB reference; children's books are easy!; Nostalgic Christmas (Episode 72); the Man in the Arena ... Overdetermined: Almost none; working cookie for a trembling lady; great divorce take; three quits, one plausible explanation ... Crossover: Stephen King; Rogan book tour ... Gary Vaynerchuk ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: The Mayor, a medicated Dennis Hopper; Raylene, Wine Woo Mom ... Who's the Real Villain: Villain-free; Christmas wedding hosts ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 2.0, for load-bearing moppetry ... Rating: 4.5, well-executed turbo Hallmarkery ... IMDB Dive: Mark Jean, Flip That Romance (Ep. 51); Betsy Morris Appreciation Station ... The Leftovers: Gateway jewelry ... I got my library card ... Benny's Christmas HQ ... Becoming your parents ads ... Sarah Ramos's "City Girl" ... Night Runner vs. Moon Boat ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Timorous Me." by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists.

Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

123 - Faeries, Dr. Weir, Things of That Nature Mar 03, 2023

We take A FABLED HOLIDAY (2022) out of time, and we apologize:

No one's claiming the rights ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...

PART ONE

Play that glissando! ... Holiday recap: Hatchet accident, child custody, punting to Queens ... "Hanukkah on Rye" update ... A year of Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Decompensating via Christmas nostalgia ... Who are your guys? ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Jake guy ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Widower Charles on the Event Horizon ... Vincent Price chapter narration ... A strangely under-playful, overly traumatized movie ... Mr. Snowflake at Verso Books ... A WWI of emotion ... Spot the Devil: Mildred ... Spot the Angel: The Narrator ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Eat Your Heart Out: Mad Men/Lumbergh cocoa mugs; goulash; inaccurate beer pull; orange abbondanza; candy cane vape pen; chewing on cinnamon and rosemary ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The PNW telluric currents; angel vacation resort ... Overdetermined: Confronting the sprites, wild accusations; Mildred's Rickles routine; "I am done living in fear!" ... Stuff didn't work out! It's ok! ... Brooke D'Orsay Appreciation Station ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Crossover: Introducing Ned Ryerson; nyads, wood-nymphs, things of that nature; Death Ship, again ... Unclaimed rights ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Diane and Keith's divorce-a-thon ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Maybe 2,000 years old ... Mad Dog Russo's Revolutionary War ... Who's the Real Villain: Fiction publishing and copyright ... Literacy in DeSantisland ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

Rating: 3 ... Meet your dead dad ... IMDB Dive: Ruby Monroe, script supervisor, Blade Trinity The Leftovers: Charles and Mildred banter (good), Charles despair line-reads (bad) ... All her stories, steel suitcase ... Made up village, lotta rules ... Blue violin, karate ... Six seasons and a screenplay! ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Torgo's Theme."

Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

122 - A Pumpkin for Klendathu Dec 16, 2022

It's PUMPKIN EVERYTHING (2022), and we'll never pass up a good thing.

Radio by seniors, for seniors ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...

PART ONE

Bug planet! ... Michael Ironside Appreciation Station ... Extremely weird, way too real ... Dead malls, pizza chains ... Repetitive love arc. vs. elder mortality and AA ... A rom-som template on real vulnerability ... Bruce Arians ... Our aging [step]parents[-in-law], aging and driving ... First normal person in a Hallmark world ... Committed, sincere, Hallmark dialogue ... Fundamental grouchy love ... Real Crossover: A Canadian indie film in a Hallmark universe ...

Break: Basil Poledouris, "Klendathu Drop," Starship Troopers soundtrack.

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Hey, Good Morning; Amy Instagram; she's a business ... Jazz aficionado ... Senior Radio ... Apology, AA confessional, let's race! ... Scarecrow teen treachery ... Spot the Angel: No ... Eat Your Heart Out: Caramel mortarboard; foliage week, proper names, time dilation; first pumpkin latte of the season; late Loggia, Alex Jones; hotel pitcher of cider; Luke and Lillian's pumpkin sage ravioli; Mountain Dew Braised Rojas ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tom is Billy Pilgrimed here; diner kid in the movies, here, now; "Pumpkin Pie Wars"; "Holiday Date," the undercover Jewish experience, Delco Extended Universe ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Letters to Santa: Andrea Canning, the Dateline anchor, USS Christmas and IMDB ... Overdetermined: Necessarily overt talks; soundtrack cue, swing hooting ... Crossover: Starship Troopers and Scanners, of course ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Mom Lillian, jerk-horny, work-life imbalanced ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Who's the Real Villain?: The elder care industry ... Don't wanna know the book's plot ... Full Mendo ... Title/Sequel: Good title; fed up; that feel, Tone ... Rating: 3.5 ... "Inchon Landing on the War on Christmas" ... The Leftovers: The Jeff Beesley experience ... The Michael Ironside IMDB tour ... McBain ... Surfacing/Scanners ... Cohagen, horse breeder ... Megawattage ... Soundalike narrative soundtrack ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Scanner Duel," by Howard Shore, Scanners soundtrack.

Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

121 - Assault on the Waist Rising Nov 23, 2022

CASEY JOHNSTON'S making us stretch before WARMING UP TO YOU (2021), but we're willing to reconsider if:

We want to buy that "Congrats on finding a floater" card ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...

PART ONE

Toilet drop ... Meet Casey! ... Love your work, and I'm not heeding it ... Renamed movie ... Grew up in Hallmark stores ... Teen money ... Haunted by figurines ... Work at Hallmark ... Work at the Gap ... Gift wrap ... Year-round Christmas store ...

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up ... Wrecked toilet ... Daffy final third ... Real-ish growth ... More nuance, still confused ... Maximize Your Tropes: Milkshake theft; "my values"; giant fake belly; lake surfing; anchored together; stunt coordinator ...

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: Bestie Sasha or old Minnie ... Eat Your Heart Out: Gym shake; workout negroni; cheese fries, tendies, gym; Costco cheeseballs jar; butane-roasted cauliflower; contemporary pizza; chip smuggling, snack confiscation ...

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Decommissioned Summer Camp Belt (Episode 57) ... Overdetermined: Ex Liza's arrival; Jared's "work"; stunt-training; homecoming gown; "her rules" ... Crossover: Chris Hemsworth's paunch workout; Ben Affleck quitting Dunkin; Kate's Most Dangerous Game ...

PART FIVE

Hallmark Bechdel Test: Barely! ... Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Rick; Jared; maybe everyone; Minnie ... Who's the Real Villain: Fat-shaming/bad science ... Rating: 3.5 ... A flow state of assumed chemistry ... Giant thumbs-down sticker ... Into sticker-shaming ... Snotty table turning ...

PART SIX

The Leftovers: 70% of the population has a dad-bod ... Good locations ... Minnie is a ghost ... IMDB Dive: Christie Will Wolf, W. Stuart, Reacher's brother ... Going to Hogwarts ... Race to Save the World at Midnight ... Avocado green ... Driftwood ... Bad cornhole ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!

All music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, "Hooray for Hollywood," by John Williams and the Boston Pops and "Pump It Up (Instrumental)" by The HotRats.

More from Casey:

Twitter HERE • Book HERE • Newsletter HERE • Instagram HERE

120 - A Floating Meatball of Barbarism Oct 20, 2022

JONATHAN KATZ and SAM ADLER-BELL sail into history aboard the USS Christmas (2020), but first:

Let's go get hot chocolate!

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Meet Jon, Sam, Sam's grandma and Jon's mom! ... Happy story, death machine ... Cast Rundown ... Niven ... The Dual Expositional Challenge ... Was this fun? ... Can't think past the meatball ... Bald evangelism ... Cool planes ... Hanoi Hilton ... Ruin movies with college ... Not much USO ... Vietnam ...

Break: "I Bombed Korea," by Cake

PART TWO

Journalismism: The Moore-Bacon wedding; less important work; firefighter baby; staffed paper; "Mr. Bailey"; Maddie ruins lives; public-records incompetence; FOIA; stealing documents; New Yorker-ass paper; headlines; Maddie's email; streaming entertainment ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: Captain Chet ... A real talk about trauma ... MILF hunter ... Marines plane, yuletide ship ... Nick Frost ... Eat Your Heart Out: Dinner rolls; bacon; shared milkshake; NYC bistro in Wilmington, NC; NYC Waffle House; mistletoe martini; abundant hot chocolate; sucky chestnuts; candy cane gnawing ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Expanded Universe ... Overdetermined: Wine toss; ditched rival; the Grinch; trauma swappin'; "Daddy's Girl"; scared of Christmas ... Join the Patreon! ... Crossover: Flight of the Intruder; USS Milius; Man in the High Castle; Captain Chet Red Octobers it; a U-571 Christmas ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Grinch Billy, troubled reader; every character; Maddie's horny widow mom, who only likes one child ...

Break: "Drop Da Bomb," by Party Posse

PART FIVE

Who's The Real Villain?: Disliking the military; facing reality; generational trauma; news' novelty bias ... Rating: 3 ... It's a Wonderful Boat! ... Jen Lilley gas face ... Niven didn't bring it ... Know Your Enemy Appreciation Station ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART SIX

The Leftovers: Aircraft carriers in NYC ... IMDB Dive ... Q-pilled Dorothy with clone Sam ... Joni Mitchell Appreciation Station ... Podcaster beefcake ... LBJ! ... Anna Chennault ... Robert Strange McNamara ... Smedley Butler ... Plugs! ... TYFYS ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin.

Follow Sam on Twitter: @SamAdlerBell

Follow Jon on Twitter: @KatzOnEarth

Order Jon's book here.

119 - Play Dates with the Pun Patrol Oct 05, 2022

We started DATING THE DELANEYS (2022), but:

Do you know how loud jai alai is? ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...

PART ONE

Wink! ... Wine Clown (taupe) ... Rom-rom, with jokes ... Jennifer Barrow Appreciation Station ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... McNamara nostalgia ... Restorative justice for Brendan Zub ... Manderson Mode ... The Expositional Challenge ... A horn of a sort ... Plot Mop-Up: Michael, guiding PR practice; ex-husband rehab; horny grandma; arcade-bar; gone fishin' ... They seem like people! ... Paul Campbell Appreciation Station ... Charmingly corny flirty antagonism ... Punishing punsmithery ... Early forced laughter to natural fondness ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: Maybe Michael, maybe the horny mom, probably a goose egg ... Angelic parenting assistance ... Eat Your Heart Out: Salted caramel and cookies; Cafe New Orleans, eating crawfish, po-boy chunks; blind date basket of rolls; reasonable pizza with pepperoncini; pecan-pie cake; skyscraping bacon chocolate cake; Find My Salad Soulmate; namin' fish; America's most favorite cake; abandoned Heineken; Shake, Battle and Bowl; sauceless mozzarella sticks; rime-free milkshake ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Make It, Bake It, Cake It; QVC knockoff; Teryl Rothery; Episodes 9, 11, 12, 31, 50, 52, 55, 56, 59, 64, 74, 83, 84, 85, 86, and more; wine-clown concert road trip! ... Overdetermined: No true qualifier; too much friend hectoring; winking ... Crossover: Steve "Bones"; Quantum Bakery Apprentice ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: All non-Michael, non-New Kid men; Steve! Steve! Steve!; David, the ex ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Who's the Real Villain: Self-performance dating-app industry ... Title/Sequel: Good title and "Delaney Due Date" vs. Thematic underuse and "Dating Dana Delaney" ... Rating: 4 ... The Leftovers: Met at pickleball ... Printing out articles ... IMDB Dive: Jennifer Barrow, King of the Hill veteran ... Zack, the turd, with a sign ... Old new kid ... Treat Williams ... "Your dad comin' today?" ... Second Life kitchen ... "World Baby" ... Dental plan ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "100,000 People," by Philip Glass.

Read Jeb's hot dog sandwich piece: Here.

Buy Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

118 - Rabbit Forensics with the Yaaas Droids Aug 29, 2022

Uproxx's VINCE MANCINI gave us a buzz to talk CUT, COLOR, MURDER (2022), but:

Forensics can wait for the pageant ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...

PART ONE

All things seamy, guest starring Sutton Niekro ... Sopranos vs. Hallmark podcasting ... Vince's Hallmark bona fides ... Gilmore Girls comp ... Muted romance, many speakers ... Lego/cigarette Canadian ... More Karpluk! ... Cast Rundown ... Jeb Flubs Name of Brendon Zub ... The Expositional Challenge ... Sublimely 311 ... Shear Delight: Gownless neck-hair trim; lumberjack sketch; hands off my instrument; listless blocking/acting ... The Bear, but for hair ... Hallmark-ass prestige restaurant ...

Break: "Sweet Home Chicago (Live)" by The Blues Brothers

PART TWO

Chekhov Wept: No time for loose ends; Knives Out shade; disappearing mom horniness; disappearing setups; landlocked sailboat; Mitzi's break-in breakdown; "local"-status alibis ... New Yorker director ... Wrong-footed by Hallmark ... Murder twist ... Women laughing alone with tombstones ... Burn Notice ending ... Eat Your Heart Out: Stress eating fruit; flapjack group, toast group; Dominican BBQ; Todd Gurley for Burger King; open-mouth etiquette; more Gurley burger ... Land of wigged brunettes ... Familiar Canadian ...

Break: "Hair," by The Cowsills

PART THREE

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Denver of the Soul; pageant town; Adrian Grenier interlude; a Sopranos Hallmark movie ... Overdetermined: Sterling pleading innocence and creepy invitation ... Homemade weed killer ... Crossover: Benoit Blanc accent; Carmy as Kyle; Bear guy hair; Hair Rescue; post-canceled James Franco twins interviewing El Chapo; Kundun! ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Salon crew yaass droids; Olivia, the murderer; Passions mom and cop-wife whining ... Dave's Anne Heche issues ... Who's the Real Villain?: Weatherman Darren; law-enforcement impunity; pageant objectification mania ... Beautiful klutz ... Title/Sequel: Lather, Rinse, Revenge; seamy split ends ... Rating: 3 ... Julie Gonzalo Appreciation Station ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

The Leftovers: IMDB dive; 1st Assistant Director; ahhh, Tibor; SFW; Bringing Down the House ... Our screenplay goes viral! ... Walt Becker, Van Wilder, Wild Hogs and Old Dogs ... Darren's remote hit just outside ... Precinct sweet tea urn ... Sloppy Ken, forensic snacker ... Quarter zips ... Shakespeare talent show ... Pharma ad direction ... Walking my rabbit ... Rabbit dad shirt ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Cut Your Hair (Karaoke Version)" by Pavement.

Follow Vince on Twitter: @VinceMancini

117 - Law Dog’s Dog Law and Bear Claw Law Pod Aug 18, 2022

CHARLES STAR is remanded to WALKING THE DOG (2017) and arguing public-use law via:

Circuit court bingo (wait for applause) ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Free legal advice! ... Reporters who don't vote ... Best lawed plans ... Pet adoption kickbacks ... Blue-collar and moppet dogs ... Cast Rundown ... Unsolicited AARP discount ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Dog fostering, condos and a nature preserve, mom's secret admirer ... Sporty-to-comfy Mom-Daughter Axis ... Christie's assistant and Peter Benson (Appreciation Station) ... The Ham Clip ...

Break: "Stand by Your Ham" by Pig Aid

PART TWO

Legalismism, Crown v. Reality : America-based law; Circuit-on-Circuit action; EIGHT judges; Reddit law; statutorily frivolous lawsuit; suing democracy; "I threw the case!"; no easements; heart-encirclement; Damascene road accident; empty docket, lonely judge ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: The Dogs, Gidget, meets cute ... Bonfire ... Eat Your Heart Out: Mom's Luke's diner; bear claws; one nice restaurant; champagne; ham to salmon ... Bill, the best boyfriend ... Help ME leave YOU ... Secret admirer inevitability ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Patreoning ... Overdetermined: Dog parallel relationships; Chekhov's gazebo; nature preserve and developers ... Threatening due diligence ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Crossover: Add shark; dead husband returns; Stacy's Mom ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Delia law talk; the judge; mom and daughter ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone but Bill; just be the town attorney; newspaper editor; Laura, the Mouth of Seattle ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

Who's the Real Villain: Change, capricious Nimby/Yimbyism; the Democratic Party ... Weepy closing argument ... Title/Sequel: Raising the Pups; abysmal title, Washing the Dog ... Rating: 3 ... Law dog's law talk ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

The Leftovers: Veterinarian Ed Helms ... M.C. Escher-ass town ... Law Shoppe, Cabot Cove ... Dementedly joyful bored dog licks ... No dogs in court ... Dead husband Face/Off ... More Reddit law ... Keith's recovered memory ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! ...

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Walking the Dog" by Rufus Thomas.

Follow Charles on Twitter: @Ugarles

116 - Christmas Cocoa with Coach Cuckoo Jul 01, 2022

ANDY LEVY comes out of retirement and needs A CHEERFUL CHRISTMAS with THE CHRISTMAS COACH (2022), all that plus:

Highlights and analysis from Cousin Peter.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

The New Abnormal, an unserious podcast ... Pink Slime Concentrate Christmas ... Treacly AND bland ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up ... Evading all tension ... Rent snowmaker, get eggnog ... Spot the Angel: A film without God; Colleen should've been dead; charity dad; Joyce, the Alfred ... Charity? Drink! ... The real Santa Claus is an aristocrat ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Eat Your Heart Out: Thermos of VX; open eggnog pushing; rock-crushing cookie foley; blueberry pancakes or RASPBERRY?; Haunting of Hill House gravel/rat plate; cabbage rolls; plain crackers, crackers with yellow; cartoon-red wine; punching whipped cream ... Resting "who tf is this face" ... Erica Deutschmann's surreally stoned choices ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Christmas Train Appreciation Station; Patreon plug; Shoe Addict's Christmas nostalgia; Episodes 33, 44, 48, 58, 113 ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Overdetermined: What's the theme?; Christmas spirit soliloquies; everything or nothing; Christmas wish swap ... Get her dad! ... Breathe app ... Edward G. Robinson ... Crossover: Films in asylums; Joyce on Frasier; Christmas coaching Team Foxcatcher; Tyne Durden ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A big no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: All characters but maybe James; Maryam; Lauren, verbal diarrhea, party in the house, and Christmas College ... Rebekah Mercer's Snow Polo for Noobs 2019 ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Who's the Real Villain: No; personal charity vs. group charity; still not a villain; Maryam's collapsing villainy; America's mental healthcare ... Not dunking on mental illness ... Title/Sequel: "Christmas Coach" is MUCH better; The Christmas Clubber; Colleen's functional alcoholic masterminding ... Rating: 1.5 ... Erica Deutschmann Exculpation Station ... These don't have to be bad but this was ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

The Leftovers: Chad Connell in The Retreat ... IMDB Dive: Hearts of Spring ... Kymlicka on the Deutschmann account ... Too many kiss fakeouts ... Instant Bluetooth ... Shovel-handing collapse/fling ... Jeterian shortstoppage ... One hour, 30 pieces of cashmere ... Personification Hut ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne.

Follow Andy on Twitter: @AndyLevy

Listen to The New Abnormal here.

115 - Hallmark Is the Dog Chained to Its Spontaneity Jun 20, 2022

PAT BLANCHFIELD puts the death drive on autopilot to consider (with) us THE PERFECT PAIRING (2022), plus:

It's no big deal, it's just amnesia!

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Meet Pat Blanchfield! ... CGI soufflé ... Concussed? Take two Sauternes and one nap ... Pat's Brechtian cockfight Hallmark prom night ... Nordstrom piano ... There's a harp ... It's exploitably efficacious! ... Scrambled entertainment ... Cocoa in my T-bird ... Am I responding to this properly? ... Small things with big eyes ...

Break: "Amado Mio," by Pink Martini

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: Deracinated! ... Plot Mop-Up: Undercover food blogger; it's just amnesia; ice wine gala ... A Homer Car plot ... Letters to Santa ... The Swagony of Defeat: Teutonic backstory, Hallmark wine club, Hollingbrook Vineyard ... Wack ice wine tradition ... 'An Ortolan Christmas' ... Wines That Rock ... Danica McKellar Air Fryer ... Hallmark Iberico ... Selling out to booze ... Journalismism: Blogger's half-mil' table; Apocalypse Now dossier; rec-room office; Sonic the Editor ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: Cherubic moppet; ex writing partner ... Eat Your Heart Out: Dialectical tension; recipes as fixation; anti-savory bias; having cake and Lacanian impossibility too; "Thanksgiving without turkey"; Swiss Miss; wine vat ... Limiting amnesia expertise ... Female race memory ... Reunited with norms via head trauma ... Bed tantrum ... "Dessert Enthusiast" ... We're doing tropes here! ... Self-aware breakup ...

Break: "Sugar Sugar," performed by Amber Burdick

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hudson Valley to PNW; Hallmark adds a wine section; Murder, She Baked; wine competitions, upstate New York bogs ... Drew Bledsoe ... Overdetermined: CJ's stilettos; knock on head; happy accidents; mom's grapes; predetermined spontaneity; yanked by the scruff; triple ice wine! ... Overdetermined Eurostep ... Crossover: Intertext!; lousy with Proust; The Transporter chained to his vomit; Get Out-iverse peripheral family; Ghislaine; Ready or Not; America's Heads Got Trauma ...

Break: "Ring My Bell," by Anita Ward

PART FIVE

The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: "Get What You Give"; Falcon Beach; Kevin, Stonks guy; no second chance; Diane, the Roy ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 3.5, or "Dimple Coach, I have a high motor and feel guilty from head hugs" ... Who's the Real Villain?: CJ; rage-bait media incentives; Michael and the bloodsucking media; undiagnosed heart death ... Spontaneous beverage distributor joy ... Jeb needs work ... Title/Sequel: Name implies chemistry; near title-drop; mom-killing review; trad-wife transitioner; omitted amnesia; The Latest Vintage ... Rating: 3 ... Zero chemistry, offensive politics, artlessly done, enjoyable ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART SIX

The Leftovers: IMDB Dive: Art Hindle, Nazneen Contractor, workmanlike; the Book of Saw ... Michael closes the convertible ... Flawless eyeliner ... Inappropriate casual footwear ... Steal your bag! ... Don McBrearty, Hot Wheels and "Gay or Straight: Is There a Choice?" ... Three-rows of vineyard ... Polka, Polka, Polka! ... Oompacore ... Art Hindle jacket game ... Lenmom's Tomb or bitcoin farm? ... Sassy Squids ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "You Get What You Give" by New Radicals.

Follow Pat on Twitter: @PatBlanchfield

Pre-order Pat's book here.

Take a class with Pat here!

114 - Four Weddings and a Sour Bro May 20, 2022

We're carbo-loading for a WEDDING EVERY WEEKEND (2020) but we're breaking down on the:

The Smelts-to-Dealts Pipeline … "I'm a sourdough guy" …

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

"Four Weddings and a [Car] Restoration" ... Pure, high-concept Hallmark ... Joel McHale + Weezer = Joel Campbell ... Recalling Episode 019 - The Quotable Gus Van Houten ... Cast Rundown ... Sara Kate fan service ... Signed, Sealed, Delivered Appreciation Station ... Let Geoff Gustafson cook ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Change your businesses; classic quit ... Reverse horn ... Chekhov's rehearsal dinner ... Lost: Husband, storyteller ... Peak Hallmark Quit ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Spot the Angel: Greg and Ginny vs. It Takes a Village ... It's YOUR rehearsal dinner! ... Eat Your Heart Out: Procure some rosemary; cheers with giant buns; brunch welsher; hors d'oeuvres montage; pizza shooters, jalapeño poppers; wedding taco bar ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A convergence of all weddings; the fakest Portland yet; Navy SEAL training in the PNW ... Overdetermined: Let's mess with our friends and make the scene out of the joke describing it; do or do not, there is no try; tough material; Ryan Reynolds-esque distancing ... Crossover: The Godfather wedding; physical therapists fixing cars ... Medical tape product placement ... BS knee medicine ... The Mud Bowl ... Grinding Tape: QB1 lasers a pick-6; Daniel Jones; Mike Glennon Appreciation Station ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Bechdel Test: The Summer of Brooke? ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Norman Dorman Labor Bot; James, the Orthopedic Surgeon; Dr. Colin, a pineapple; time to find your ham ... Who's the Real Villain: It's not weddings ... Kiss 'Em All ... Title/Sequel: Minimum delivery; contempt title; "Next Weekend," It Follows; scrompin' every morning ... Rating: 2 ... "Perfect Day" sensory deprivation ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

The Leftovers: IMDB Dive ... Wine Clown-Sour Bro Axis ... Did we watch it? ... Post-breakup with the softest people ever ... Too bad you can't do a retro-mod on your heart ... Misunderstanding the obnoxious hipster shithead ... Active bears in the area ... Mazel tov! ... I can't believe you have other friends! ... Merry Christmas

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "A Punchup at a Wedding," by Radiohead.

Art by Caitlin Fitz Gerald. Buy her wonderful book here.

113 - Fart Butler, False Consciousness Mar 13, 2022

The Daily Beast's ASAWIN SUEBSAENG joins us to observe BUTLERS IN LOVE (2022) and ask:

Did you hear when the butt went "Bwaammp"?

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Violating dibs ... A Desperate Housewives thing ... Go to bed, Ryan Murphy ... Did the nerds hear about this movie?

Break: "Clue, Main Theme" by John Morris

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... Only seven years older ... The Expositional Challenge ... Let's spoilers! ... Plot Mop-Up: Shrek dad, bad-boy legacy butler ... Russian or Scotsman? ... 300 years of cousin-butlering ... Trump's CHUD butler ... It's not Florida's fault! ... Willoughby Status: Avuncular ... Emma has no non-butlering enthusiasms or identity ... Instantly ditching a lifelong dream ... Zero butler guests ... Swin's REAL butler reporting ... Seven-figure butler ... Butler Double-Dare ... Quit climax, hotel edition ... Hogwarts is real, butling is real, and my friend ... From Cordon Bleu to Chipotle ... Spizzwinks? interlude ... Tufts bants ...

Break: "Beantown," by John Cena and Tha Trademarc (feat. Esoteric)

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: No ... The Lisa Void ... Yacht butler ... Kundun, I liked it! ... Trump's Boy Scouts yacht orgy ... Back to Spot the Angel: Willoughby's failed potential; butling via owning; butling via kung fu ... Please make Hogwarts for Butlers wack ... No ropes or zipliness ... Eat Your Heart Out: Audible fart; super hearing, for farts; learning how to rip it; Maxwell Caulfield or Stacey Farber?; could you clean this in post?; "Moondance" and Hallmark auteurism; Beef Wellington; 70's foods; wine pairing; eat like David Roth; not understanding grilled cheese; They Came Together, but literal; audible fart reprise; eggnog does not pair with everything; progressive nog pairing; chomping vine tomatoes; we need grad school knife errors; cookies; "Fiiiiive agéd cheeses!"; today we're all wines in the box; one poisoned wine bottle; a real Big Boy moment ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Recency bias; our feet in tissue boxes; butling in the manor house where every other Hallmark couple meets; You're Bacon Me Crazy (Episode 085); the Hallmark wealth pantheon in Episodes 005, 029, 057, 044, 048, 058 ... Overdetermined: Everything; bad-boy butler sticking it to dad; "I want to do what I want to do!" "Me too!"; the bizarre self-fulfillment; whiff of domestic menace; projecting the other love interest's "path" ... Crossover: Honeymoon White Lotus or Adam Sandler's Fart Vacation; plunked into Gosford Parkiverse; Butler X-Men academy; coaching Butler;

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Probably no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone; many early replicants; Henry's Russo-Scots Dad; Lisa Appreciation Station; stat-shouting butling student ... Explicitly anti-Italian podcast ... Who's the Real Villain: Emma, anti-feminist; very unfair to Emma; the concept of aristocracy; the caste/service system ... Will you help me write a business plan? ... Title/Sequel: Letdown, "Dawn of War: Butlers in Love"; not doing an incest thing; totally delivers; butlers, not in love, and in love but not butlers; "Caterers in Love"; Clerks-to-Party Down ... Rating: 3 ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART SIX

The Leftovers: Lifetime vs. Hallmark beef ... Swin's Hallmark and Lifetime Movie Network taxonomy ... Lifetime Bolshevik ... Creator network crossover ... The opposite of Fox News is the LMN universe ... Defund the LMN police ... Mike Lindell, LMN enemy ... Jeb, My Pillow owner ... LMN and the Fox-to-Hallmark/threat-to-homestead continuum ... Malaise forever! ... IMDB Dive: Curious and Unusual Deaths ... Butler dojo ... Where are the alterations? ... Let the butling come to you ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Love Butler," by K.R.Y.T.I.C.

Art by Caitlin Fitz Gerald. Buy her wonderful book here.

Follow Swin on Twitter here.

Jeb's Hallmark piece on Medium, and Jeb's other Hallmark piece in WaPo.

112 - Sketchy Santa's Sliding Doors Feb 01, 2022

Writer/activist MAURA QUINT returns for A KISS BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2021), to learn:

Wishmaster-ass Santa Claus ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

A singular Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Welcome to Nog Chat ... The Jewish BS starts early ... Whoopie Pies, Whippy Dip ... Is nog a prank? ... Christmas is a dare festival ... More nog ... Kefir interlude ... Nog shots ... Christmas at Cartwright's (episode 004) callback ...

Break: "The Nog Song 2.0," by Grant Kirkhope

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... Joyce Holt! ... Marilu Henner's eidetic memory ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up: Rona, the boss-ex-machina; soccer camp; baking son ... Simply having wonderful bizarrotime! ... Max Christmas trees, max decorations ... Headboard decorations, kitchen lode, trip vases ... Quinquagenarian Christmas explosion ... Replacing extras with trees ... Meeting, re: Tree Issue ... Sliding Doors meets Boss Baby, but make it Christmas ... Is this a Reverse Scrooge? ... Hallmark Jimmy Stewart ... It's a Wonderful Life: too dark for Hallmark ... Sean Doyle gives property development a bad name ... When life's better without you ... A Lexus December to Remember commercial ... Hal-9000 coffee maker ...

Break: "Also Sprach Zarathustra," by Eumir Deodato

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: It's sketchy train station Santa! ... He knows when you will die ... Santa's in your house ... Eat Your Heart Out: Baking squat cupcakes; dinner out with lettuce and jellied toast; crampers need bananas; tiered hot cocoa experience; gonna experiment with gingerbread; The Cupcakes Are for MY Football Team, Parts I and II; cinnamon tea or hot chocolate; celebrating our meatversary; where's my bottarga! where's my bottarga! ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: An infinite Hallmark Sliding Doors; Hallmark Sliders and Quantum Leap; Wallace Shawn's not walking through that door; Pittsburgh IS Chicago; the greater Chicagoverse; Episodes 001 and 027 ... Overdetermined: The whole movie; Nice Driver's Godlike advice; "you're the dragon"; Sean Doyle's Four Thieving Values; Wicked Witch villainy; "maybe he'll realize money isn't everything" ... Crossover: Santa Ringu; Lost Highway's mystery Santa; Hallmark Men, Into the Santaverse ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Girls sharing coolant ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Rona, the boss-ex-machina; the richest guy is never evil; Gus, the advice driver; all the assistants; Rona the endlessly variable ... Great Moments in a Photograph of Jets Quarterback Zach Wilson Rating: 3 ... No loose balls on the Hallmark set ... Check, check, check ... Who's the Real Villain?: Ambition; the authoritarianism of work ... Title/Sequel: title delivers; A Kiss on Christmas; Teri Hatcher's search for freedom; A Nick of Time Kiss Before Boxing Day; Hallmark's Leverage Eleven ... Rating: 4 ... "It didn't make me mad" ... The necklace is a problem ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

The Leftovers: Lot Cop ... "I forgot I'M rich!" ... What happened to the other happy family? ... Did he destroy Reality 2? ... Jeff Beesley Appreciation Station ... Nog Inquisition ... It's YOUR Ferrari ... Unintelligible Ferrari Truck ... "My son the Elder" ... De-aging to Odo levels ... Buy Ethan's terrible suit! ... SEVEN suits ... Vaguely Irish Santa ... Poinsettia pronunciation ... Adults playing adults is way more tolerable ... Teri was real and spectacular ... Unintended menace ... Your new friend Buffalo Bill ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "You Give Love a Bad Name," by Bon Jovi.

Follow Maura on Twitter: @behindyourback

Buy Caitlin Fitz Gerald's wonderful book here.

111 - Irish Loaf Mode on the Mulch Oaf Dec 10, 2021

ZACK HANDLEN of the AV Club (and more) joins us, AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT (2021), to learn:

This is our job, and we're doing our job ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

The Irish BS starts early ... All foreign accents are the same ... Lavish Zack intro ... Defending "Pusher" ... Trusting reviewers ... Angry Walking Dead fans ... Needing an urgency vibe with nuance-disregard chaser ... Hallmark bona fides: mom vibes ... Tenzing Norgay takes you behind the process ... Aiming for fine! ... Horse Whisperer callback ... Leap Year echoes, Travel Channel vibes ... Clare Neiderpruem, bard of the natural world ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... Niall Buggy ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up: Australians, distillery business plan, forced diffidence ... Soulful-mopey male lead vs. Good sulky ... Niall Buggy ... Clip: A great deal of adulthood ... Avoiding poor choices, but not seeking great ones ... Spot the Angel: Adalia the Inkeeper ... St. Kevin, you are such a disease ...

Break: "Sayonara," by The Pogues

PART THREE

Eat Your Heart Out: Mostly decently normal food ... Glum Irish desserts ... Violently incompetent carrot slicing ... Kathleen Turner overdrive ... Zero whiskey face ... Fruity whiskey ... BREAD ALERT, Loaf Mode ... Scree pizza ... Remaindered Tesco pizza ... Coffee'd and carbed out the yang ... NYC eating normalcy ... Sushi of Gary ... Egyptian food truck, second encore! ... Artifacts and shawarma ... Extremely instant-ass stew ... Those have flavors, sir ...

Break: "Screamager," by Therapy?

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Love on Iceland/Love on Ireland; just one letter, just one string; Hallmark should make more travel movies; Minting Balkan princes at industrial rates; The Tom Cruise Mummy "Dark" Universe; The Sickbed of Fitzpatrick ... Finnegan's Wake Crossover ... Overdetermined: The Claddagh ring blending of two worlds (not vasculitis); proposal "fakeout"; Grant, the Mulch Oaf; a Grinchy idea to join the matchmaking festival ... The hazed-by-locals business stratagem ... Local Hero vibes ... Writing to checklist, not to motivations ... You don't need explanations for inevitable moments ... Brennan is a bread dick ... Utensil negging ... Crossover: Midsommar ... Rethinking The Wicker Man ... No bees in the Hallmark universe ... Lacey Chabert's The Quiet Man ... The Matchmaker ... No idea how matchmaking works ...

Break: "The Wild Cats of Kilkenny," by The Pogues

PART FIVE

The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A well-tempered yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Professional elopers; time-wasting Hallmark boss ... Who's the Real Villain?: Sister Crispin; the progress of time; capital homogeneity (O'brien's Pub and Beef's); superpredator meet-cute ... Title/Sequel: Forgetting the title; Love of the Irish; 2Lucky; As Luck Would Have Us ... Fast ... Marriage Troubles! ... Rating: 3.5 ... Travel to another Vancouver ...

Break: "Big Sad Eyes," by The Immediate

PART SIX

The Leftovers: A new opportunity: Ireland! ... Eternal hold music ... Problematic UK preservationism ... The world's oldest Bennigan's ... Cute sunnies ... Real pit BBQ ... The human Chamber of Commerce ... Why are strangers being nice? ... Mrs. Nick Swisher ... An exhausting character on the Giambi A's ... Hashtag hashtag hashtag ... The real Howth Castle ... Mormon influencer on a week's athletic vacation ... Otherwise nice clothes! ... The top 30 orthodontists in Ireland ... IMDB Dive: Christina Conradt and a very busy year in one teen's life ... Bildungsroman, epistolary ... Timorous partner role reversal ... Geriatric volunteer, Irish goldbrickers ... Chief Miles O'Brien's mind palace ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Sister Christian (Loop)," by Night Ranger and "It's Over, Goodbye," by The Miami Showband.

Follow Zack on Twitter: @Zhandlen

Check out Zack's Patreon here.

Buy Zack's dang X-Files book here.

110 - Thanksgiving 2021, Part II: The Turkey Bowl Nov 25, 2021

WILL LEITCH spikes this show into THE TURKEY BOWL (2019) and gets us community service watching:

The Barry Switzer Showcase ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Not a baking mystery ... It's not it! ... Too many penises and butts within two minutes ... A solid forever runtime ... A tame Old School, a risqué Hallmark ... No darkness or cruelty ... Following Hallmark homecoming plot beats ... More enjoyable than Red Notice ... 1.5x speed ... PENALTY: Inaccurate movie provenance ... Hallmark's increasing indie vibes ... An existential threat to this podcast? ... Metatextually loving Oklahoma ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Cast rundown ... Ryan Hansen, who Will knows from Party Down ... The Expositional Challenge ... Earned attaboy ... Plot Mop-Up ... The Badger Hole ... Intrafamily political strife ... Ride Along 1 and 2 ... Harland Williams ... "Moist" ... Spot the Angel: Judge Tibbins or Mitchell's self-sacrifice ... Reverse Good Will Hunting speech ... The Cedar Rapids/winsome Sundance fare ... Eat Your Heart Out: Reinforcing the political divide; congealed sloppy joe's; hot-dog casserole ... Cigarettes and football ... Matt Jones Appreciation Station ... Mitchell ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Overdetermined: Sports movies flipping from total loserdom to total dominance in the big game; 12-6 high-five big-game analysis; the Blind Melon joy montage; the football game broke the town; "high school again" speech followed by Hallmark Quit ... You tried nothing, and nothing happened ... A life reanimated for a jealousy trope ... Crossover: Is that Barry Switzer?; can Barry Switzer commit to a dark Alzheimer's role?; the Barry Switzer filmography; Gen X return to Road Rules ... A lot of stretching ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Bechdel Test: There is no women's "moment"; biological clock; marital aid tips ... A better movie's Ashley Sinclair ... An extremely reasonable bad girlfriend ... More Hangover hangover ... Bad events without bad people ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Brandy "the class slut"; demented Barry Switzer ... Who's the Real Villain?: Forgetting where you came from and/or brand identity ... A perfect community that can implode from losing one football game ... Title/Sequel: A mostly Thanksgivingless Thanksgiving; a good touch tying it to the game; a turkeyless Turkey Bowl; these people are turkeys; you gotta do The Leftovers ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

Rating: 4 ... The Leftovers: Filmed in Oklahoma ... Copyright compliant UPS ... Stolen Supreme Court justice cab ... Reasonable senator, a Good Son-style doofus ... Who leaks this story? ... House of Cards narration ... Exhausting-ass Beau Willimon ... Nickelback on 2 ... Money for Smash Mouth and Third Eye Blind ... Copyright compliant "Fields of Gold" and "Blister in the Sun" ... It's common law, and I bought my own ring, and I'm done with this conversation ... Thank you for the turkey bowl ... The secret Dave-Will feud ... Links! ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "My My My My Mitchell" by Hoyt Axton.

Read Will's newsletter here.

109 - Thanksgiving 2021, Part I: Fever Dream with Will Leitch Nov 24, 2021

TEASER: Thanksgiving, 2031: A Reckoning

Everyone's not murdered, and nothing is magnetic ...

THEME: "Dead Man's Party," by Oingo Boingo

PART ONE: All Our Troubles Are Gone

Welcome back to Will Leitch ... No plugs ... Vaccinated child blood ... Mask affinity ... Can there be a pandemic off-ramp? ... Torn pandemic bicep ... You just have a bad body now ... Without shared struggle, there is no shared victory ... We can't personally police anybody ... A segregated society ... Disproportionate political minority-opinion representation ... But vaccination won! ... Residual Covid resentment ... Unvaccinated, disconnected cousin ... Most people are disengaged and normal for it ...

Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO: Scoreboard!

Normalcy's inertia over Covid ... Bret Stephens, noted herb ... Trump and the Power of Positive Thinking ... Placebo effect ... Road Runner mentality vs. Coyote mentality ... Everyone's just tryin', man ... Fighting the monoculture vs. creating the multiculture ... Eight people talking in Slack ... Labor Day, the film ... Thanksgiving pandemic antagonism ... Sibling to blame ... A more severable externalized slight ... Polio ... Nobody's magnetic or sterile! ... Family division feeding grievance politics ...

Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE: Hot Vaxgiving

What are we doing for Thanksgiving? ... Died before every Thanksgiving ... We are here, and it is enough ... Bringing back all the old favorites ... The dead optimism of June ... False hope for a V-E Day ... Next years pandemic conversation percentage ... Growing stunted by the pandemic ... I'm not your boyfriend ...

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

Read Will's newsletter here.

108 - The Wine Clown and the Disappearing Children Oct 19, 2021

We get looped into a TIMELESS LOVE (2019) and forget our kids to:

Find out what your mom's coffin would be like!

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Flexing some podcast muscles ... Embarrassing personal life statement ... Accidentally watching Candace Cameron movies ... Spousal and child loss is upsetting ... Maudlin/Frothy knob ... Effective sadness ... Convoluted production history ... "Warning: Real life contains tragedy" ... A Hallmark tease diving into weird contradiction ...

Break: "Miss You Most (At Christmastime)," by Mariah Carey

PART TWO

Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Daniel Jones analogy ... Organic chemistry ... Lit like Romper Room ... Uncannily defamiliarizing establishing footage ... Leipzig and Denver, Vermont ... Megan's mega-nihilist dad ... Hallmark's Ringu ... A lot of trauma and raw grief ... Jason Dorhing and The Stars Hollow Man ... Bad Hallmark movie, sabotagingly good indie movie ... This movie's too much like the day job ... Too interesting for the Hallmark space ... "It's 10 a.m., and I don't care where my kids are" ... Going back in time to become a bitcoin person ... No other aspect of time travel matters ... "Time did it" ...

Break: "Missing You," by John Waite

PART THREE

Excellence is what we do ... Spot the Angel: An angel would have helped ... Where's my angel? ... Please stay on the line! ... Satan's therapist and invisible women's pain ... The Jacob's Ladder cosmos ... Eat Your Heart Out: Load-bearing French onion soup; discovering parsley; "Famous Alfredo"; sewer milk, the kind in a can; burned pancakes; double-creamer hot chocolate; unintelligible empanada truck ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episode 24, "Stargazeboing at the Time Comet"; Levels of hallucinatory delusion; abundant brain trauma; Episode 67, "We Named the Dog Boyfriend"; Candace Cameron as The Unhip Rufus; Utah, we're comin' for ya ...

Break: "I'm Not Missing You," by Ebba Bergendahl

PART FOUR

Overdetermined: The opening coffin speech is peak Wine Clown; savage dad inhumanity ... The loud-talking culturally left-coast opinionated woman ... Crossover: Jacob's Ladder; The Forgotten; The Family Man; the namedrop segment; Looper ... The loop doesn't close, Dog ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A big dang no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Natalie, peak Wine Clown, either oblivious or meta-cognizant ... Windy Johnny's Hot Dogs ... "I forgot to be a person," a good line ... Who's the Real Villain: Work coma-fired me; the misogyny of her medical care; Heisenberg ... Title/Sequel: A deceptive/bewildering pun; a true title would be unsettling; Phantom Children; Overtimeless Love ... Rating: 2.5 ... Thank you for trying ... Slapstick terrible direction for Rachel Skarsten ... Asking too much of your last line of defense ... You're making a Rom-Som ... Hey, kid, I'm a mourner! ...

Break: "Miss You," by Etta James

PART FIVE

The Leftovers: The Hallmark/50 Shades overlap universe ... The Mobius of horny-oaf between Hallmark and 50 Shades ... Kate and Pretty Little Liars ... Mom sacrificed Megan for delivery fees ... Misuse of trauma/froth ... The IMDBeat: Bro/Bra/Breh; Candlelight Entertainment; filler flix from down at the Brough Factory; Colt McCoy; no one needs to fall off a cliff; Christmas Project 2; Corbin Bernsen; Brian Bosworth; Love in Aruba, but Stalked in Paradise ... Creamy noods for your ready alfredo ... Stussy ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Utah Saints - Something Good (Dance Remix Instrumental)" by CutVocals.

107 - It's Rom-Som Time: Everybody Get Amish! Oct 08, 2021

We FOLLOW OUR HEART (2020) to Mountain View, Arkansas and:

It's good to not be entertained ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

We're back! We're back! ... Workin' pieless before vacation ... Is this a mystery? ... Malick-inflected TV Amish ... Enough that Pie Would Remark On It ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Staggering failure, lushly plotless ... Trip Report: Mountain View, Arkansas ... The Amish will come, Ray ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

This good movie isn't good ... Somber, but made with care ... Not "star-driven" ... Logical Amish Brigadoon ... Identifiably a movie, yet still not a movie ... Otherizing the Amish ... Hallmark calling its own bluff ... Mutual belief-system abandonment ... That's not Pennsylvania

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: No ... Jeb's Amish dental obsession ... Eat Your Heart Out: Fried chicken, potato dumplings, (overcooked) green beans, wasted portions, spicy shakshuka, full English breakfast, brittle dry bacon, scrambled nubs, fondness for pies ... Serious pie is funny ... Platooning pie ... Forbidden seasonings ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Universal TV producer boyfriend; fleeing Garbage Store suspect; location shoots from meteorologists from Episode 93 ... No title effort ... Overdetermined: Talking like Libertarian Skeletor; savage sister burns in a cooking scene; a relentless volte-facing ending ... Choosing a world without family ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Crossover: Witness (obviously), The Village, (Karen Gillian and Hot B*n Shapiro), CSI: Amish Grace ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Jack and Evelyn's Amish mockery vs. Katrina's autobiographical Amish ignorance ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1, great workrate, great execution ... Who's the Real Villain: Gossip vs. Incuriosity ... Title/Sequel: Generically inoffensive and thematic, "Follow That Car" and Midnight Express ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

Rating: 3 ... Good, but not entertaining ... We can do more "real" movies like this ... The Leftovers: Your soul journey will commence ... The Bone Collector ... Dallas-Fort Worth Buckingham ... Random name generator titles ... Antonio Banderas gif ... Sandra L. Martin and Mountain View, Arkansas ... Married stars ... Unverified on Twitter ... Englishlifting the Pootie ... Insane bird foley ... I read your book! ... Slant rhyme ... Hurricanes ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "O.T.P. (One Term President)" by Wolverines.

106 - Inchon Landing on the War on Christmas Aug 10, 2021

SARA KATE WILKINSON takes us CRASHING THROUGH THE SNOW (2021) and:

We kept the shirt on, and we liked it ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Kasem intro ... You get $20, but we never speak again ... The Edge ... "Back to normal and fine" ... A five-tool movie ... Cast rundown: Todd Burpo's doctor and Canadian treasures ... The Expositional Challenge ... Cheap air-horn ... Three notes, and a relaxed attitude toward work ... Spot the Angel: No, but give Hector a try ... Ruddy Santa notes ... Eat Your Heart Out: Many Christmas pastries; jaundiced limp goose; down-the-middle human meal; holiday dinners you wouldn't believe; Rutger Hauer voice ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Too competent for crossover; incompetent ski resorts; needlessly long episode titles; Tardis McMansion; the billiards room; more needlessly long episode titles ... Denver: America's most Canadian city ... Hotel house minimizing location shock ... Crossover: Sara Kate's improved locked-room mystery; Ready or Not, the dark game of politeness; Mighty Ducks piss-take; why did Sara Kate go Raoul? ... Overdetermined: Too self-aware; "I am Christmas"; "You're watching a movie right now!"; normal, aware flirting; dad's reality-check vs. messing where you eat; lessening the last-minute blows; gimme the fizz; co-parenting conflicts ... The Inchon Landing ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Hector's cocoa; Ski Instructor Appreciation Station; conveniently oblivious stepmom ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1.5 ... Who's the Real Villain: Losing your mom; hiding a dead parent's things; realistic potential stepdad vibes; Jeff's facial hair; no greater villain; commodified nuclear-family love ... Rating: 5 ... Actual sexual chemistry ... Implied premarital sex ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Title/Sequel: Good title; 2Crash 2Furious; Uncle Stepdad/Aunt Stepmom; Big Night at the Butterfield Inn ... The Leftovers: First Bumble reference ... TikTok ... Gremlins, the movie ... A walking Instagram post ... Grandma with an Instagram ... Tamar Laddy and Rich Newey Appreciation Station ... Phil Collins crossover ... Partner Chat: Oversize sweaters for the skinny only; GOOD bad-singing; sexy Gettysburg Address; premature matching pajamas; mom's cold marble slab ... Mom's ear-piercing privilege ... Peace with honor in the War on Christmas ... McNamara again ... Team Blitzen ... Goalie dive on the Reindeer Relay ... OJ, Nicole and the recital ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "I Got 5 on It (Instrumental)," by The Luniz.

Follow Sara Kate on Twitter: @SaraKateW

105 - A Bi Bagel Risk Jul 28, 2021

SARAH D. BUNTING joins BRANDI BROWN to solve CROSSWORD MYSTERIES: A PUZZLE TO DIE FOR (2019), starting with:

A getting-to-be-so-driven exercise ... Don't look at the NY Magazine's art critic's life ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Other podcasts ... Welcome, Brandi and Sarah D. B-b-b-b-bunting ... The ironic-to-sincere Bosch process ... Amazon Original Series Bosch ... Haunted by Brandy (the boy is hers) and not snitching ... Accidental eco-terrorism fans ... How'd we pick this? ... The Cat Who Found a Floater ... Booking Brandi's mom ... Cats and Anti-Cats ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Snack-addicted NYPD Chief; art-left ring clues; the NYT crime desk ... Better than Garbage Stores and Wedding Marches; non-workable plot points, but it's still fun ... Berenstein Bears: Lost in Cyberspace ... Tension-free, but actually plotted and playing to Chabert ... Clouds > Clues ... No Chabert solidarity ... Will Shortz cameo ... The crater of Minneapolis ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Spot the Criminal: Good red herrings; a buffet of neurodifference; back to the red herrings; Pierre's Vincent Price vibes ... Sketchy character or bad actor? ... Attempted accent work ... Eat Your Heart Out: Pies, more pies; skipping lunch today; bakery downtown; cheese puffamid; the "Upper Crust"; pie alibi; bodying Murder She Baked; some sliders and fries; dine-and-dash on stakeout; letter-folding chip bag ... Pocket muffin ... Combo-Pez dispenser ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Journalismism: Zero electronic communications; crossword next to the crime desk reception area; no building security; alphabetical newspaper sections; questionable crossword construction; subscriptions are up 8 percent; crosswords, a cozy career; "no funeral for me, I'm in the archives" ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Fencing stolen paintings through Garage Sale Mysteries; theft covered on the Hallmark podcast series; Murder She Baked going in on NY pies; leads getting married at the Wedding March B&B; the red-herring couple fleeing crime; the red-herring couple being hired by Danny Glover as God; the Candyland New York of Very Very Valentine ... Overdetermined: The trauma swaps; copaganda within copaganda; biting on the red herring; Elaine the art dealer's malice; how to get in the mind of the killer ... The Unabomber ... Crossover: PBS's Ghost Writer; an American Animals take on this plot; this plot, but in a Bone Collector universe; Friends of Numb3rs ... Wholesome Se7en ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Pierre, former art broker Elaine, the City of New York, everyone or nothing, Monk simulation, the city is a character and robot ... Who's the Real Villain?: Cops, death of journalism, in-person workplaces, non-digitized archives; not understanding the readership ... Substack criminals ... Rating: 4 ... Effectively using La Chabert ... Lori Loughlin returning to Lifetime ... When Chabert's Chabert ... The Leftovers: New York O'Connors ... IMDB dive ... Positive supporting performances ... Frank D'Angelo ... Time-shifted to pre-internet ... Chesley Nightengale ... "Word on the street is, don't miss it" ... NY1 Hallmark ... Webster's defines crosswords as ... Abigail Krebs ... Wrong gallery, one clue, two solutions ... No sleeping on stakeout ... Shake Shack assassination attempt ... Plugs ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Send Me on My Way," by Rusted Root.

Follow Sarah on Twitter: @tomatonation

Follow Brandi on Twitter: @itsthebrandi

Listen to Jeb and Sarah on Quaid in Full: Links!

104 - Hitting on the Pineapplebee's Hostess Jul 07, 2021

NPR's LINDA HOLMES joins TARA ARIANO in saying YOU HAD ME AT ALOHA (2021) and:

Pick up the phone and pod. What's so difficult? Just pick up the phone and pod.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

The GOAT Lady ... Linda's Hallmark cred ... Jack Wagner Appreciation Station ... Expanding the Hallmark humane universe ... Kissing and plastic wrap ... Bad video copy or prequel-level CGI? ... Callback to _____ Mariah Carey's episode ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: First write-down effort ... Goat-plot mop-up ... Open the dress ... Hula music ... Missed goatertunity ... Ridiculous show pitch ... Extraordinary Rendition, The Show! ... 50/50 rating split ... Chainsaw ... Spot the Angel: There's no God; elves; religious Santa; Millie's mellowing ... Angel Status: Working on it ... Flower signifier ... Millie halo > Mary halo ... Eat Your Heart Out: Captain Hula's authentic Hawaiian cuisine; pineapple; "Beer"; large dinner rolls ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Every unwilling host movie; Hallmark Viacom; Ben's twin brother's Polynesian fusion; When Calls the Heart (and fan service); not even a movie; Lee Majors and Lindsay Wagner; Episodes 83, But Wait, There's Buckley; Episode 98, Buckley's Big Naturals (But Not in Excess); Episode 19, The Quotable Gus Van Houten; the Hawaiian resort you can find on Hallmark dot com ... Hallmark Hilton Head ... National Flip-Flop Day ... Hula noise ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Overdetermined: Rigid or spontaneous; chill; Ted McGinley drop; Hallmark guys in a sunken place; leaning Snyderly on the goat trauma; "I hate planning" ... Crossover: Falling Down; Promising Young Woman; Six Days, Seven Nights; Hawaii of Doctor Five-O ... Chainsaw ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Swag shout-out ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Work via boys ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: No, they have learned; Todd erasure, dailies, rage-quit and bronzer ... Journalismism: Google your co-host; Luis as manager; "goof-off time"; justification tk tk tk; too surprised by YouTube; not even implied discomfort; unemployment isn't entertainment; hosting isn't easy, and it and producing aren't interchangeable ... Who's the Real Villain: Women be organizin' ... What if a guy was afraid of rollerblading, or saw value in a woman's opinion? ... Rating: 3 (Hula music, horrendous title, jumping off things) ... The sequel ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

The Leftovers: I've expressed all options ... Mini Classic Lines: Jeggings, wrap dresses, flip-flops ... Rick Garman Un/Appreciation Station ... Actually, write that movie, please ... Beginning the Jean Smart resurgence ... "Porch Pirate" ... John Putch Appreciation Station ... When banter's too mean ... All the beats are right ... The Sure Thing ... Let's get wasted ... "Do you think I have feelings?" ... The part where you're being more sensitive ... "I can't unplug from work!" ... Rigid people can be fun ... Where is the balance? ... You miss posting ... "Let's make out" face ... Is our SHOW too rigid? ... Just pick up the phone and call ... Podcasting tips ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Hawaii Five-O Theme," by The Ventures, "Aloha Oe," by George Kulokahai and His Island Serenaders, and "Were You There When They Crucified Jack Lord," from Mr. Mike's Mondo Video

Follow Linda on Twitter: @lindaholmes

Follow Tara on Twitter: @TaraAriano

Get Linda's book here.

Listen to Jeb's most recent guest stint on Extra Hot Great.

103 - Have You Thought About Fear Jun 29, 2021

MAURA QUINT returns and we DON'T GO BREAKING MY HEART (2021) for:

Editing IMDB to include more scared priests ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Welcome back Maura ... Flip this host ... No song ... Noom brainwashing ... "Advantage Monthly" ... New York Sports Club Magazine ... You were going to be kidnapped ... Reviewing Ohio community theater ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... Four Dead Girls, the Soul Taker ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up ... Actual evidence of movie ... Decent human relations, terrible plotting ... Spot the Angel: Nobody, or the editor ... Eat Your Heart Out: Street meat; cold-brew coffee in winter; ground snout; knowing a pizza place; mentioning other food ... Journalismism: Suit and corner office; insanely hot blogger; (off-topic) making your ingenue plain; not understanding features; that ponzi thing; editorial sound-board; Lumbergh vibes; Fight Club and/or ghost editor; three-week ponzi story; "scams and fads"; Bill Simmons ultimatum; "but what does this all have to do with my relationships?"; "You think you can get some photos?"...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Affluent-guy social/travel club; Episode 57, "Wetwork for the America Pageant"; French pastry chef boot camp squats; Anxiety Paintball; Episode 84, "Badboy James and the Whole Hardbody Movement," and Episode 31, "Not All Tonys Are Baloney" ... Overdetermined: Load-bearing overdetermined; the climbing gym; "there's the guy from the restaurant" and "comfort me with your pain"; libertarian-guy vibes ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Crossover: Teach me to run like Ben; the Hunter Pence School of Baseball; bathroom emergency; Marriage and Baby boot camps; Color of Night (again!) ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Clear enough; past-life regression; Dead Again ... Hmmm? A job interview? Hmmm ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Business-partner Chloe and transference ... Weird, unethical coda ... Who's The Real Villain: Any self-reflection; underfed fad/fraud story; totalizing female fallibility ... Rating: 2.5 ... No-chemistry sister ... Bangs ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

High school pendant symbolism ... Lesbian cat mom ... Hallmark's homophobe died ... From Plandemic to Lesbian Cat Mom ... IMDB Dive: The Soul Taker series; music video himbo ... Nina Weinman's oeuvre ... Episode 2, Ina Bruckner's Gingerbread Manhunter ... Chupacabra vs. The Alamo ... "A Shaolin Christmas" ... Bink Williams! ... Lunch isn't what it looks like ... What about fear? ... PalConnect ... Ben's Sex and the City voiceover ... Tom Waits ... Makeout Point Kimmel painting ... Bink, the Assassin ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Don't Go Breaking My Amp (Busker)."

Follow Maura on Twitter: @behindyourback

102 - Everybody's All Liotta Jun 11, 2021

We're adding A DASH OF LOVE (2017) and:

We're going to pass on the rolls.

THEME: THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel ... Brendan Penny heat check ... Barely a movie ... Wasted Gilpin ... Previously a book? ... Ecce Homo ... Real-movie themes ... Too false, weird and murky ... Cast Rundown ... Ben Wilkinson maxing out the Liotta ... The Expositional Challenge ... Nikki-Paul cassoulet meet-cute ... Deranged food/media depiction ... Leaden, arrhythmic pacing ... Lord Fox's Huron Fleet ... Is she carrying leeks into a YMCA? ... Extremely cold ... The back of a restaurant ... Sal ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Spot the Angel: No, and no community ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Summer Villa meets Chopt vs. Donovan Narrates The Investor in Botown ... Stan Kroenke ... "Why did you do that, Nikki?" ... Overdetermined: Not determined enough; The Patty Duke Show, Asshole Edition; intergenerational Johnny Sack; crayons make art too; cayenne pepper and relationship material ... Diner culture ... Crossover: Goodfellas, Dellucci's, when Bae texts first; Sweetbitter ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Job talk, Delllucci's cooking talk ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Holly Hanson's meanness, funding, cooking and stealing ... Who's the Real Villain: Restaurant feudalism, funding and food culture ... Rating: 2 ... Brad Penny and the Large Lads ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cinnamon candy chili ... The other white meat ... Ingredient jump-scares ... Cadbury egg ... Increasingly upsetting food ... Community rolls ... Cardamom ... Skittlebrau ... Stew with root beer ... Valentine's ravioli and lamb mole ... Rachel Ray vibes ... Chawmp ... KFC ... Lavender Ham ... Split that loin ... Fighting the sensuality ... Joss Whedon's mom ... Two weeks...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

The Leftovers: Christie Will Wolf Appreciation Station ... From Silk Stalkings to Eric Mabius ... Identity Theft of a Cheerleader ... Slightly Single in LA ... Worst bro-bonding convo ever ... Reggie Miller and Shaq Appreciation Station ... Angry rehab-checking ... No dribbling for the sound guy ... Burst off the dribble ... Under the hoop ... Netless volleyball ... Silent Hill parent hug ... Monkey smuggling ... Cayenne in my dad ... Dad foodgasm ... Vulvular decor ... "Falling out" ... Endless Instagramming ... More Gilpin ... Atrocious coffee collision ... Mark Prior ... Fancy Food ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Baker Street (loop)," by Gerry Rafferty

101 - Cranpagne Wishes and Moxie Dreams May 18, 2021

We're the next big thing, and we're in the BEVERLY HILLS WEDDING (2021) and:

We had to cancel the Beverly Hills wedding.

THEME: "The Rockford Files," by Mike Post

PART ONE

Dave is baking evasive ... THE Beverly Hills wedding ... Dan Smith, BYU ... Edited by Valentine's, 2022 ... Go balls out ... Cast rundown, callbacks and The Hume Cronins ... The Expositional Challenge ... False twist expectation ... Lame excuses! ... Less charming hermeticism ... Covid makes Hallmark make sense ... That's great Malick

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Re-entering the cup of hot cocoa ... Spot the Angel: Terence Roquefort, but problematized ... Small town vs. Beverly Hills freaks ... "It used to be about the weddings, man" ... Eat Your Heart Out: Van crepes; green seafood puck; dessert colors; redneck voices; the worst champagne in Scotland; what about beer; Polaner All Fruit; gold dusting with a smattering of pearls; stagey class artifice ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hallmark's greater Pacific Northwest; Episode 50; Episode 69 ... Hallmark's version of fancypants ... Gray as hell ... The Powder disease ... Is this Pine Mountain? ... Fog of War soundtrack ... Robert McNamara's Overdetermined: You left, you failed a promise to your dreams, you suffocated your sister, this wedding will fail, you're an idiot ... Valentine's wedding candy invitation

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

The Swagony of Defeat: Nice Hyundai; Zack Snyder's Justice League; Godiva (twice) ... Crossover: "Roquefort Origins: Terence in Maine"; Malick in Maine; schnapps with or without ice ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Mom/art exhibits/photography ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Homiletic husband Gary; Knox Harrington, the video artist; "otherizing" the gay character beyond Hallmark uncanniness; Terence's Wonka-esque affect ... Who's the Real Villain?: Influencer-driven conspicuous consumption ... Creeping to the glass of the critique

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Rating: 3.0 ... Shut up, Jordan ... "Watchable" ... The Leftovers: Paul Ziller's IMDB (again!), Covered in Bugs/Possessed by Demons ... Worms! ... Just try a sweepstakes ... Hugh's ... It's Spagett! ... Jordan's opinion, not needed ... Out of your element, Jordan ... Haunted Jason Mraz-style Weezer cover ... They used "Hash Pipe!" ... Hallmark showed feet ... Tandem bike ... Abraham Lincoln ... iZombie, Marine sequel, the Craig Zahler universe crossover ... Urban clearance ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Cop Killer [8-bit John Maus cover]"

100 - Rich Problems for Bog People Apr 30, 2021

SARA KATE WILKINSON and MAURA QUINT ice over CRANBERRY CHRISTMAS (2020) and:

Gabe had to go live on the cranberry farm

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

We bought the farm! ... Meet Maura ... Losing your Hallmark virginity ... A manifestation of a sick society ... The Don Jr. Face Spectrum ... Canadian cocaine ... Children shouldn't ice skate

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: The Oprah-esque Pamela Franks, a sister dating again ... 45-minute story ... Estrangement without divorce ... Sexless married reunion ... Mistletoe bed/belt ... Spot the Angel: Pamela/Oprah; everyone in the town; grandma with an Instagram ... Was Dawn Pamela's second choice? ... Pity the rich person's commute ... Hallmark having it both ways ... "Ugh! We doubled our land!" ... Overdetermined: "Just DO the work"

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Eat Your Heart Out: Frozen hot chocolate in outdoor Maine Christmas festival; cookie butter; homemade marshmallows; boxes of bread; orange and purple Christmas-tree pizzas; red-pepper tinsel; "assume Carl's Jr."; cranberry coffee syrup; the secret ingredient on Chopt; lifestyle tour brainstorming; zero yeast infections; crueler marshmallows ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes 64, 70-73, 83, 94

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Crossover: Deranged news producer; Martha Stewart's prison bog work; selling this farm to real Oprah; Stars Hollow vibes; The Tommy Westphal universe of Taylor Doese ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Sisters and hip granny; childish ambition; camera talk ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Gabe's ability to love ... Who's the Real Villain: Headstrong ladies; time; refusing to communicate ... A couple in years of therapy ... Do these people have cell phones? ... Designed, artisanal engagement ring ... Rating: 2 ... An age-appropriate couple ... Blinds

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

The Leftovers: Making a beautiful actress dowdy ... A vengeful Director of Photography ... Schrödinger's cranberry bog ... Competent Covid logistics ... Other networks' movies ... Hunks of Hallmark (again) ... He went upstate to live on the cranberry farm ... "No! The house doesn't miss me at all!" ... Every ornament shattered, box fine ... Homemade ornaments ... Not to be rude about the Hallmark Gold and Crown store, but ... It's good that you feel bad ... Hallmark Roast ... Varieties of Hallmark parents ... IMDB dive ... Linda-Lisa ... The long haul with Joie Botkin ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "The Liberty Bell March" by John Philip Sousa

Follow Maura on Twitter: @Behindyourback

Follow Sara Kate on Twitter: @SaraKateW

099 - Accidentally Racist in Chet's Galaxy Mar 22, 2021

We speak to the dead for A NASHVILLE CHRISTMAS CAROL (2020) and:

We are doing this cold open live ... The Francesa Voice ... Four letters, starts with D

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Buster Poindexter ... Show business ... Terry Benedict's podcast ... The Elliot Gould of this podcast ... Podcast crisis hotline ... Defenseless before Hallmark vibes ... Country musician cats, prehabilitated Scrooge

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up ... "Dragon lady" on the set ... Rich person's fan script or free singer promo? ... Made by a scion of Kix Brooks ... Chet's Galaxy ... More Kasem ... 10-year overlooked phone call ... Dead and chill

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: Come on, man ... Kimberly Williams-Paisley, dramatic interping ... Lazy British accents ... Woo Girl Paula Deen ... Eat Your Heart Out: No savories, peppermint brittle, red onions, no Kitchen Aid mixer, bad spatula ... Dennis Miller interlude ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Specter of Chet's Galaxy; Hallmark's Great Silent Majority; Wings of Desire, but outside Nashville

Break: "Himmel über Berlin," by Jurgen Knieper

PART FOUR

Overdetermined: Jarring oafishness of ghost scenes vs. clash of lessons ... Just omit the lesson and omit existing intellectual property ... Crossover: A Hellraiser puzzle box that brings lesson-giving Cenobites vs. hangin' with Jesse Farrar vs. Pussy Relief 2021 ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Pass! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Both musicians, potentially dead parents, AI dad ... Christmas really just makes these crazier ... Who's the Real Villain?: The music business/Chet ... Bitching about music video budgets ... Stop saying his name ... Just make it 5 percent more real

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

Rating: 2 ... The Leftovers: Ten years is still too long at 30 ... Eric Brooks' You're Going to Miss Me ... "Drop her, creep" ... Belinda Carlisle ... luuuv too hug the head of the studio ... Haunting Covid signifier ... Old Tom Cruise on-set rant anecdote ... Ambivalence about the risk of making this movie ... Visualizing explaining why you're in the hospital ... Bill Kurtis ... Press button, receive plot ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, and "Accidental Racist," by Brad Paisley feat. LL Cool J

098 - Buckley's Big Naturals (but Not in Excess) Jan 25, 2021

We get handsome and competent with THE CHRISTMAS HOUSE (2020) and:

Treat Williams is not in The Substitute ... It's natural and OK to talk about Treat Williams ... Wrong movie ... Daybrooding ... Sniper

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Handsome Podcast ... Whaddaya want, it's good ... Podcast business ... The shortcomings of "Dave and Jeb Aren't Mean" ... IT'S FINE!!! DO NOTHING!!! ... Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Cast rundown ... Marvel vs. Vigor ... The Expositional Challenge ... Breaking ground on gay kisses, adoption and parental separation ... Robert Buckley Appreciation Station ... Annnnd the interracial pairing ... Tamales and regular wine drinking ... Jeb's post in the Post ... Hallmark movie, real reactions ... Decent uncle ... Finally, an out Jonathan Bennett character ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Spot the Angel: Too normal ... No Rothery ... Eat You Heart Out: Masa scones, tamales, spicy hot chocolate, cocoa and cookies (but not in excess) ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A lawyer show that could actually be on Hallmark or in any Hallmark movie; the greater NYC Hallmark blob; the Treat Williamsphall Universe ... Overdetermined: Heavy-handed yet passable; Angie Everheart; early kludgy chemistry; mom and dad's mass quit ... Cincinnati chili again

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Crossover: It's already a romcom; The Family Stone genre; Treat Williams as a substitute teacher; Dennis Franz as the dad; you're not going to like whose butt it is; The Big Chill, but Santa's dead ... Sipowicz, Mamie Gummer, Anya, Uma, Wrenn Schmidt, Nute Gunray ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Implied real estate ... America's Voice ... Wife as hobby ... Bobsled friendship ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Marvelous Jim ... Partner Chat: Grift Body Spray; if these were Brits, it'd just be a regular romcom; Kiss Kiss Bang Bang; quality fluffing; Christmas drought; Salem's Lot; inflatables; court decor; sez you ... Great Moments In Moppetry: 2, for volume ... Ballbusting ... Who's the Real Villain: Non-union reality programming ... CBS's Handsome Justice ... High-low Hallmarky set design ... The Doink Doink ... Rating: 4.5

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

The Leftovers: Who taught dad PowerPoint? ... Anya Ayora, eternal Cruz ... Screenwriter Erin Rodman, rebounding legend ... Non-consensual Instagram advertising ... Employee no-selling recognition ... Mom razzing kids ... Wise younger brother ... Strong himbo vibes ... Snack cringe ... Shutting down the florid declaration ... Enchantment Under the Vaseline flashback ... Lot Cop: Look at the back of the damn tree because of spiders ... Judy Tenuta ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, and "Spider," by They Might Be Giants

097 - Can Steal Art, Can't Tend Bar Dec 10, 2020

BRANDI BROWN joins us for GARAGE SALE MYSTERY: THE ART OF MURDER (2017) and:

A message about our namechange.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Let's cancel! ... First, dead family, THEN pandemic ... April 13, 2019 ... Kill your computer ... Grandma troll wants the cusses ... Comic books and Hubert Humphrey

Break: "Hubert Humphrey," by The Knuckle Sandwiches

PART TWO

The Extra Hot Great podcast universe ... Lori Loughlin ... Hallmark samizdat ... Missing Loughlin ... Superutility Sarah Strange ... Weak mystery ... The Expositional Challenge ... Cast rundown ... Plot Mop-Up ... Giant warehouse, no job ... Sorority PTA ... College is high school; high school is college ... Cropsy ... Chunks of real effort ... Un-inventoried weird art in The Kingdom of Spiders

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

Spot the Angel/Criminal: Red paint Jackoff Pollock ... Work lazy, crime hard ... Do you have a fence? ... Just sell out! ... Angelic mom-volunteering ... Kappa Kappa Kappa ... Mom-Daughter casting ... Jackee, Jasmine Guy, Tatyana Ali ... Eat Your Heart Out: Vibrational food; Keith Raniere's cult vegetables; Kramer-like cop; pizza-order clowning; randomized plausible foods; raw eggplant; Dispensary Mysteries

Break: "Jammin'," by Bob Marley and The Simpsons

PART FOUR

Extremely shitty audio engineering ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Jen/Dani podcast; food truck universe; junk shop, Good Witch's shop, Anthropologie, a chocolatier ... Canadian accents in Louisiana, Missouri ... Overdetermined: Red paint; zesty hack; overdrawn "evil" stepdaughter ... Crossover: Sarah Strange for anything; NXIVM for food; Safe-like environmental sensitivity; Jen vs. Jessica Fletcher; Hallmark mystery Grand Slam ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Dani, the Dad ... Cartoon bear ... You never leave ... Actually, everyone's a replicant ... Hummuside

Break: "David Duke Is Running for President," by Skankin Pickle

PART FIVE

Who's the Real Villain: Helicopter parenting, underfunding the arts, toxic masculinity, lack of safety net ... Rating: 2.5 ... The Leftovers: What happened to the garage sale? ... Buying stolen goods ... Twin Peaks/Law & Order ominous tones ... Tina, gut-shot champ ... Director K.T. Donaldson ... Synchronized bedtime ... Congrats on the sex ... Buying classic cars for fun ... Meghan Markle's coming back ... Mortimer B. Croup ... Rich people inventory art ... Carrying Linwood's ass ... Mark Brandon Appreciation Station again ... Pete Wells ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

Bill Corbett's Funhouse

Follow Brandi on Twitter!

096 - The Elf-Developer Trust Continuum Dec 02, 2020

TARA ARIANO and SARAH D. BUNTING take a trip to NORTHPOLE (2014) and: Robots, they're just like us ... Classic Tudyk ... THEME ... Joe E. Tata ... Plugs! ... Sequel book ... No Swank ... "Enough" ... Dina Meyer ... Ridgewood, NJ. 07450 ... Pleasantly surprised ... Accidentally in Love ... Paula Abdul's "Itty Bitty Titty Committee" number ... The Mac Rangers ... Wanting to talk about Fastlane ... Tiffany Thiessen's cooking show ... Cast Rundown and The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Nothing; you get one sproing ... More careful, more expensive ... Authentically cold ... Bailey Madison, SVU ... The John Munch Hallmark Universe ... Hallmark one-timers ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Clementine, Santa, an elfiverse ... Journalismism: Dictating to copy desk; crossword and northern lights; legit hardball; mysterious old man; correcting the TV; ask a follow-up; the Elf/Developer Trust Continuum; getting a friend fired; "Butthole Eaten at Lions Tailgate"; bold quitting ... Eat Your Heart Out: Wack elf measurements; dismembered snowman ice cream cake; no savories; the Guild of Yummy ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Priscilla Presley back from Christmas at Graceland II; Gus van Houten's avuncular developer; Wedding March 17: Hit or Mistletoe; the Santa and Only Child buddy universe ... Overdetermined: The Northern Lights Cycle of Happiness; everything; Ryan lecturing Chelsea; their 16-minute emotional journey ... Crossover: Ryan as a brother in While You Were Sleeping; the Perfect Boobs Ladies Detective Agency; a Dark City for the North Pole; The Santa Con ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Folger's crystals tubbb; the Hallmark Northpole Find-Me Santa light ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Ryan, debatably; Jenkins, editor-in-chief ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Older, inconsistently bantery, slightly precious, 1.5 ... Every other kid in this movie sucks ... SnOMG, it's Dazzy Clementine ... BREAK ... Who's the Real Villain?: Clementine's costumer, jumping to conclusions, science, austerity, institutionalizing bullying ... Rating: 4 ... A good use of Robert Wagner ... Now accepting walk-ins ... The Tampa Bay Rays Hallmark lead draft ... Ugly to all fields ... The Leftovers: Mrs. Robert Wagner ... Sucky dad ... Actual Thiessen husband ... Tiffany Thiessen's cooking show again ... Christopher Walken in Northpole ... Boosting non-union reindeer ... Eco-quitter ... Eight movies ... Spooky Buddies ... Plugs again! ... Deer's ears ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC:"Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • Theme from Beverly Hills 90120 • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

Follow Tara on Twitter

Follow Sarah on Twitter

Listen to Again with This

A Very Special 90210 Book

095 - Let's Go to Prison! Oct 10, 2020

CASEY TAYLOR joins us and SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED for THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED (2018) and: A tedious audio warning ... We are going to Pueblo! ... THEME ... Boofed the intro ... Meet Casey Taylor ... Elite Christian postal detectives ... Casey was USPS ... Red flags ... Never be friends with supervisors ... The Signed, Sealed, Delivered universe ... Cast rundown ... Haywith guy or Dorman guy ... The Expositional Challenge: Over the line ... Dave That Failed ... Plot Wrap-Up: Norman and Rita have wedding anxiety; Shane and Oliver doubt each other's commitment; gambling-addict sister; Rachel's husband, Icetown mayor; Dinosaur park, pie restaurant; real mayor shit; shame doesn't liquidate your assets ... Colorado is a commonwealth ... Colorado of the Mind ... Enormous vehicle, walking pace ... Student pursuer ... You have to drive in USPS ... The mail and The Knowledge ... Unprepared for the serial structure, loved it ... Enjoyably immersive ... Chemistry set ... Outsider-art production vibes ... Is Oliver Norman's dad? ... Pretending to steer the car ... A good Hallmark-hermeticism movie ... Four people at a real-estate broker's conference ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No; all; appeal to Wallace Shawn; Raiders, before it turns bad; postal angels; Mr. Ass ... Eric Mabius Objectification Station ... Mannequin at J. Crew ... Casual daywear as depravity metric ... Eat Your Heart Out: Bistro Ramon; finding a single farmer's market; Norman's a pie guy; Rachel At The Farm Stand; Gumb; panicked craft services raid; no kettle chips for kids; gargantuan Francesa popcorn ... The Hallmark Expanded/Crossover: Meadow Soprano bursting into the ballroom; Vito Spatafore finding his own community, Meadow finding gentleness in Colorado; Meadow hunted by her past; too hermetic for other Hallmark properties; Arlington Road; Episodes 6, 13, 21, 29, 45, 49, 51, 58, 60, 76, 88, 91, 92 and 94 ... Barber-prescribed cocaine ... Overdetermined: You are also in prison; procedural Law & Order beats mitigate the overdeterminacy; "we're ominously going to see daddy" ... Man vs. Man, Man vs. Nature, Ashamed of Your Dad; too much allegory ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Serial-structure problems; voided by Oliver, wedding checklists; Ashamed of Husband ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everything about Oliver; surreally chaste ... Cod lips, car magnet ... Whoa! Partner Chat: Checked out early; hair callbacks; call the non-canonical FBI; militarization of the USPS; the Oliver-Sherlock connection ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Who Is the Real Villain?: Guilt/shame/alternative lifestyles; bridal shaming; product-driven publishing; technology; affected twerpy atavism; the carceral state ... Rating: 3 ... Dinged for Ramon ... Don't let Norman drive the bus ... Overtly sincere Christianity over demographic/product self-signaling ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: A rainbow of babies ... An thousand foreskins ... Pokemon go to the orphanage ... Norman, Hallmark's first overtly Jewish character ... Norman's shame at his ancestry ... A prison of bubbe ... Deliver Me ... NPR Bix Beiderbecke noise ... R. Crumb's shittier brothers ... USPS DISCLAIMER ... Bye, Dave ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC:"Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • CASEY at The New Republic here • CASEY at Mel Magazine here • CASEY'S TWITTER here

094 - The Ecstasy of Competence Sep 11, 2020

We're on the ROAD TO CHRISTMAS (2018), we'll take you there, take you there, for: Exploring the space ... Notes from Jasper, LLC ... THEME ... Countdown to Christmas in July Countdown ... Tardiness apology ... ADHD cul-de-sac ... Talent show cringe horror ... Burn down the portrait studio ... L'Allegro and Il Penseroso ... BREAK ... Meet Zac Hug ... Ethical quandaries ... Funny, playful acting and plotting, with real stakes ... Jeb's life story ... The Expositional Challenge: Flex Bomb ... Plot Wrap-Up: Family breach, sassy twin sister, competent assistant, rescue animal Christmas celebration ... Everything more alive/artful than usual ... Twinkly POC pranking ... "Silly" is a good choice ... White Elephant parties ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: None ... Eat Your Heart Out: First appearance of acorn squash; CAST RUNDOWN; Dan Quinn; Christmas tree eggnog; OJ with a cinnamon stick; a goose is cooked, abundant and low value; colorless, numerous rolls; Hidden Valley Shrimp; bacon-wrapped dates, salami, spiced onions, crudités; strategic gift reserve; normal vegetarianism; Palestine and snap peas ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Colorado, Vermont, New Hampshire, the airport, and episodes 6, 13, 21, 29, 41, 45, 49, 51, 58, 60, 61, 70, 71, 76, 87, 88, 89, 91, and 92 ... Journalismism: Standard waivers; remote servers and thumb drives; doing it in person; QZK8's omnipresent weather man; yes, that's a demotion; easily dismissed obstacles; unconfirmed interviews; an actual family company; stories tell themselves; unrecorded quote ... Overdetermined: None ... The art of not underlining ... Crossover: A peak-TV overcast NY media take on this special vs. It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Planes, Trains and Automobiles ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: If work as an overall practice/necessity/task counts, yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: None ... The most-closeted character in Hallmark to date ... Is the representation great or not enough? ... Hallmark staring down demographic destiny ... Jeb's Medium piece about Hallmark, LINK: HERE ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Assistant's Mini-Me ... Who's the Real Villain: None ... Rating: 5 ... The Leftovers: Allan Harmon adapting TS Eliot ... Jeb catches a stray; no party parking; But Wait, There's Echoes of Buckley ... LOT COP ... Extremely big and fabulous Jimmy Stewart ... Rejecting this alliance ... Teryl Rothery's nerves ... A nice Martha Stewart ... Nutley ... The Martha Stewart Cookbook ... Croquembouche ... Help you with the segments ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Baker Street (Loop)," by Gerry Rafferty • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

093 - Rain, Negging and Casual Stalkers Aug 19, 2020

JESSIE OPOIEN, CHARLES STAR and SARA KATE WILKINSON return for LOVE IN THE FORECAST (2020) and: Walking the dog ... Enjoying a whiteface Tyler Perry movie ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: City vs. Country, and The Year of Leah ... Conway, AR. ... Problematize the discourse: Charles discovers Hallmark ... Constant condescension vs. Gumpian vibes and daunted by the city vs. Grandpa disdain ... Relationship oppressed ... Unspoken traumatic marriage ... Not a smart lady ... Accidental stalkers ... Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary ... Stripping jokes from a screwball plot ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No supernatural beings; Brody the dog; canis ex machina; horndog demon buddy Darren ... This tiny farm town produced Scottie Pippen ... Charles discovers Hallmark diversity ... Nolan "Not playing for the same team" ... Tortured baseball metaphor ... From Out of Her League to Smeagol ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Nolan, from bro, to twerp, to sports turbro, to wimp ... Brain-damaged Mark returns to the farm ... Mark Brandon Appreciation Station ... Rumpelstiltskin Shit or intentional joke? ... Selective raining ... Mike Douglas, for Weather ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: What the f*** are those cheese sticks; whatcha got, Snack Man; Garfield torches an accelerant lasagna; Conway clam chowder; Chili's butter chicken; dry county; gift baskets ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Go Home, Female Journalist!; Leah's mom getting lost on the way to Portlandia; Love of Course (episode 50); the Hallmark floral distribution system, from episode 11, to 53, to anywhere ... Overdetermined: Laborious baseball analogies; "Science vs. Nature"; Amish resentment; fully loaded tater skins; go, team, go; [LINK] airbrushed image of the Tokyo Dome [LINK]; loving the country; "it always happens when you're not looking for it"; mom breaking herself off a piece; Sara Kate UNCENSORED; two overbearing nature vs. tech clips in five minutes ... Always diminishing Leah ... Just use GPS ... BREAK ... Crossover: Twister; Anchorman; Karen from Mean Girls; "We've Got a Great Big Conway" ... The bad fishing scene: manmade, overstocked, terrible casting, small pond, dead fish ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Absolutely Not ... Letters to Santa: Do we agree who is the real villain? ... Movie Rating: 2 ... Becoming an incel meme ... Horny Rating: 3 ... Not competent ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Charles' IMDB dive loves glamping; Rochelle's distracting sideline; Conway, Ontario; Straight-As to XXX ... "Feminist Hypocrisy" ... Double Daddy, Double Mommy, Dirty Teacher ... Jen Lilley casting ... Libra ... Kenny Chesney ... Dog content ... Choking Brody ... Witnessing male vulnerability and a real connection ... Buffalo Bill ... Bad ADR ... Chekhov's Dog ... Kidnapping a dog ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Riders on the Storm," by The Doors • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • LINKS: Jessie's Twitter, Charles's Twitter, Sara Kate's Twitter

092 - Bure Factor: Chronicles of the Sex Idiot Aug 06, 2020

SARA KATE WILKINSON helps us get SWITCHED FOR CHRISTMAS (2017), and we rebel at: A dream board! ... Poetry slam Santa ... THEME ... Cry for help ... Enjoyable, not good ... Candace Cameron: Scene partner desperately needed ... Lack of discipline ... BREAK ... Leading Lady Leaderboard update/apology ... Cast rundown ... Inadvisable pandemic/president reference ... The Expositional Challenge ... Classic recap ... Small mop-up: Urban rural binary; clueing in the kids ... Littleton, Colorado ... Christmas at Area 51 ... Douchebag pageant disruptor ... The light benzo glaze of Tom Kinder ... Rosebud ... Kate's abandoned haunted-crush plot ... Chris succeeds/Kate Flounders ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Dad vs. D-D-D-D-Dead Mooommmmm ... It's not a hard vow, it's brunch ... Candace Cameron Bure shouldn't be appealing to Candace Cameron Bure ... Tom buys a NEO GEO ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Greg, leering Christmas goober; Hallmark Sex Idiot; running marriage trials; speaking of Wonderlic ... Eat Your Heart Out: Soviet-realist gingerbread; anguish cocoa; Christopher's Prime Steakhouse; [LINK TO SCREENSHOTS]; ice cream hiding; the top of Piper's head; a really lived-in fridge; juice pitcher error ... BREAK ... Psi Factor: The Candace Cameron Extended Universe: Deklin in Evergreen; potential twin; The Jaspar Project; hundreds of Candace Camerons; Denver geographic crossovers, the US mail ... PATREON PLUG!!!! ... Overdetermined: Performatively whining/projecting about each other's lives; dad reexplaining the entire plot premise; too little faith in the audience ... Crossover: The Gemini Man; Candace Cameron in The Bourne Festivity; Sliding Doors; Candace Cameron entering real WWII history ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Two Balsam Hill scenes, and a rolling ornament tackle box; storing ornaments; holiday stunting; Ron DeSantis faces at the Balsam Hill website; adopt, don't shop ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Low-key and cipher-like kids ... Rating: 2.5 ... Meant to say Danica ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: STEM girl ... Why did Kate and Chris not talk about this switch and happiness for each other and ground rules for each other? ... Nice to ask if he's pushy ... Like somebody that f*cks ... Obvious jump cut ... Boring without you, now they're art ... Avril Lavigne and Johnny Blue ... Natasha Bure's "Let's Be Real: Living Life as an Open and Honest You" ... Youths ... Dog spies the doppelgänger ... Changing in the women's restroom ... Steakhouse chat ... Follow Sara Kate on Twitter @SaraKateW ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

091 - The Wedding Lummox Jul 14, 2020

We run to and from YES, I DO (2018) and put the top down on our Canadian convertible for: Not the gain ... THEME ... Still asymptomatic ... Mostly incorrect Hallmark ingenue stats ... Good Memories from Jessica Lowndes ... A thankless character ... Nostalgic Christmas ... Listen up, urchins! ... Hallmark Ramada filming ... Soothing demeanor ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Chocolate sabotage, live on camera ... A "mild irritation" allergy ... Authentic TV anchor voice ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Oscar, beneficent if ill-timed non-grandpa; a level-8 Higgins; advanced web-grandparenting ... Semi-recuperative himbo character ... Marcus Rosner Appreciation Station ... The Christopher Reeve Problem ... Eat Your Journalismism Out: Nicole's seamless masthead rebranding; "Can you market the cover?"; adolescent novelist syndrome; Nicole, a tornado of unethical and extortionate influence; Robert Parker vibes; the testing phase; wedding on/cover off; is it authentic; CEO reverence again; white noodled "latchkey food"; pocket chocolate; food allergy; how many minutes is Charlotte in the sequel? ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Widow/widower Prequel Universe; 2001, A Romance Odyssey; Episode 52, "Dr. Chocolate's Great Metamorphosis," and a Hallmark luxury chocolatier universe ... Overdetermined: Charlotte's arc impeaches James' indictment; ill-fitting reassignment of token gendered tropes ... Crossover: Baking with Peter Lorre on the Food Network; Children cartoon-learning antiquated celebrity impressions; 22 Short Films About Leaving Glenn Gould at the Altar ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Two female leads, and it's 100 weddings and chocolate ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: James ... Rating: 3; Jen Lilley prejudice; points for trying new stuff; Lowndes and Rosner doing yeoman's work; extra effort, extra humor ... Letters to Santa: A new segment ideal, namely: ... Who Is the Real Villain?: Pay-to-play media ... It's always going to be capitalism ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Solid pratfall ... Carmen San Diego eavesdropping ... Dashing ... Letting the text be loose and funnyish ... Violation of our terms ... "What did I do to deserve this?" ... Writers/directors teams ... Christie Will Wolf deep-dive ... "Your ship has sailed in, and it's made of chocolate" ... "Mommy, I Didn't Do It" ... Lilley, to Lifetime, to Richard Gabai deep dive ... Too far ... The Canadian Beaumont ... A-Z Guide: Title Here ... James lives in his hangar ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Baby Come Back," by Player • "Ride Like the Wind," by Christopher Cross • "Also Sprach Zarathustra," by The Ventures • "Baker Street," by Gerry Rafferty • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

090 - Richie Rich's Parisian Getaway Jul 07, 2020

JESSIE OPOIEN returns for PARIS, WINE AND ROMANCE (2019) and: Quality ultimatum ... Episode NINE??? ... Pandemic saved by a dog ... Microwaved hot dog ... Time has no meaning, dinnertime doubly so ... Does this feel "pandemic good"? ... Would endorse ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up ... This pinot's made in...OREGON CITY??? ... No conflict ... Pairing wine with Hallmark ... Respectable dialogue ... Moderately feminist crushing ... Bulgaria vs. Pregnancy ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Lacey and Uncle Trav give it a go ... Classic Lines: How fashionable; cute but floppy; dull dress and putty-ass shoes; platinum script, bronze budget; Don Johnson jacket ... Eat Your Heart Out: Standard escargots; cleaning snails; bizarro Oregon wine takes; 400 wines and cheeses; the Eiffel Tower actually...; Ritchie Ritch ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: La Chabert in Rome; Ski resort wine and aristocratic stock ... Overdetermined: "No" vs. wine pairings, wine touting flavor-untasted, the City of Love ... Crossover: It's already mostly a regular movie vs. Sideways in Paris ... Lolita Davidovich callback to Episode 77 ... Creeping by the elevator ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: ??? ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Anton the Oregon wine buyer ... Selling "perfect" ... Identifying wine blindfolded ... Rating: 3 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Endorsing this movie ... The West coast wine blogger is going to post that right now ... Gallic relaxation ... Hittin' the parfumerie ... The unforgettable woman ... Open-flame hazard ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "A Shot in the Dark," by Henry Mancini • "Un Jeune Homme Bien," by Petula Clark • "The Summer Wind," by Martin Prince (Feat. Frank Sinatra) • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • LINKS: Follow Jessie, check out her podcast.

089 - The 2017 Dodge Grand Caravan Jun 20, 2020

We wish for no more of THE BIRTHDAY WISH (2017) and instead want: Brian Williams to say "Leonard Cohen" ... The Three Canadians You Meet in Heaven ... THEME ... Governors and Dhalsim ... The city is healing ... Uptight at a Hallmark movie ... Busy for Hallmark ... Happy returns to mediocrity and confirmation bias ... Mackey Sasser and Mickey Tettleton (again) ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up ... Fun ensemble acting and characters ... Wise producer Bruce ... Strange Snowpiercer ... Russian Criminal Minds and Perry Mason ... Raymond Burr's breathing ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Optometrist ... Have bigger time-travel goals ... Eat Your Heart Out: Fried pickles; alfalfa sprouts on a sandwich; happy food dance; lived-in family moment; new to s'mores; afraid of street pretzels; nouvelle cuisine, extra sprouts; scallop puck with fish cake; one finger of still champagne; 2/3 of a beer pitcher; ribs, chicken, slaw, cornbread and kale pu pu platter with 3/4 lemonade ... Leering Black Hole Sun-style ads ... BREAK ... Plugs and sales tax! ... Letters to Santa: Marc Blucas; Andy @StudyOfSport Elrick's first two NBA Hallmark screenplays; let's remember some guys! ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: It's always wet and cold here vs. Pumpkin Pie Wars news ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Planning everything since your dad dies; canyoning; bucket list; big budgets ... Crossover: Soapdish and Hoopie vs. Alex's newscaster role in San Andreas ... Dante's Peak vs. Volcano ... The Swagony of Defeat: 2017 Dodge Grand Caravan; this isn't what I drive; room in the van; great technology and features; White Collar analogy (again!); Tim Allen ... Brian Williams and our weapons ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Not even close ... Rating: 3-ish ... The Leftovers: Julie Sherman Wolfe, the machine ... Peter DeLuise as Bill Stamos ... Money Plane and extra Lawrences ... Swole Lawrence ... John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ... Preakness poseurs ... Journey's "Patiently" ... Forlorn Nut ... 45 SPF ... Uninvited video chat ... 666 Drafts folder ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "First We Take Manhattan," by Leonard Cohen • "Perry Mason Theme," by The Blues Brothers • "Black Hole Sun," by Cibo Matto • "Here Comes the Money," by WWE and Jim Johnston • "Ride of the Valkyries," courtesy of the BBC • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

088 - The Bachelor: Hostelry Edition Jun 06, 2020

ANDY LEVY returns from finding LOVE IN WINTERLAND (2020) and: Mark Cuban's polycule ... THEME ... The Heartthrob Boyz ... Indoors ... A preview of being old ... ACME products ... Delighted to talk to anyone ... Three incredibly handsome men ... Stevie Ray Vaughn Chat ... Good pandemic distraction ... St. Elmo's Fire ... Less of an escape ... "Myeah-myeah myeah myeah myeah" ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: Only Andy may win ... Green Book, an incredible movie ... Absurd reality-show downtime ... Drifting from Hallmark movies ... Always the Wicker Man ... Well-written paint-by-numbers ... Half-hearted inclusive casting ... Moisture-wicking performance clothing ... Kevin McHale's body ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No one, or Lauren, the reality TV producer ... Extremely mean ... No bad guy ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episode 67; "City Girl Saves Small Town" adjacent to "Secret Prince" (Episode 58); Episode 49, Episode 63, "Denver," "Cash-Strapped Winter Resort Universe," Episodes 41, 58, 60, 80 and 81 ... Highly communicable prince ... Eat Your Heart Out: White chocolate fountain joke; pizza from the bus station; Six Layers of Snow Cake; New England Folger's Cake; here's a gingerbread man; Mountaintop Muffin and Winter Scramble; French Silk Pie; untouched green beans with lemon wedges, sauceless bird's nests of spaghetti, white wine; pot roast; chili starter; the Vermont Touch ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: The Black Box vs. The Photo Album Storyboard vs. The Things We Miss the Most ... Crossover: Ski School; paint me like one of your Canadian actresses; no fake gondola budget; Bachelor but with a Business Plan ... Letters to Santa: Chekhov's Solution callback; Christopher Kent's prompt for the ... Build a Buré Workshop: Love in the Time of Corona ... BREAK ... Rating: 2.5 ... The Leftovers: Did Hallmark reference climate change? ... There's less snow now ... [karen geier flocking callback] ... Frigid whirlwind hotel pool ... Knit a shower curtain ... Everything you hate about haggis happened in there ... "Don't protect me from reality; I'm on a reality show" ... Two first names/two last names/three last names ... The Dobrofsky's ... The Christmas Train (Episode 13) callback ... Higgins ... Sell winter ... Italia Ricci's unforgivable momness ... NewsRadio ... Off-leash freshly adopted dog ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Epic Guitar Solo," by Steven Seagal • "Militia Song," by Camper van Beethoven • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

087 - Can't Jack Off in the Bubble Hotel May 13, 2020

We got the fever, so we're putting LOVE ON ICELAND (2020) and: It's a lot of pressure ... THEME ... Hopelandic ... The minimum amount of movie ... Inheriting a wildlife preserve ... Iceland is the plot ... Not obstructing the scenery ... BREAK ... TV's Andy Levy chat ... Plugz ... Icelandic surnames ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Johann's poly interests; Charlie's choice of career or kisses; Northwestern and Evanston ... Happy Endings abroad ... Old people: the best part of the movie ... End the movie now! ... Four screenwriters ... Overheard convo quit ... More scenic footage, pls ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Nobody, or Johann ... Put-upon tour guide ... Scandinavian reptiloids ... Amiable love-interest ... Journalismism: Podcasting, fun stories to listen to; drunk-sounding boss; Icelandic actors; decently plausible podcast network ... Some Brief Observations on the Nature of Jolly Ranchers ... Eat Your Heart Out: Plausibly Scandinavian food; herring supreme ... Letters to Santa Interruption: Mo Bacon trucks are product placement; Bacon Jammers ... Eat Your Heart Out Resumed: Hot chocolate spa; compass points to burning eggs; B&B kitchen invasion ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Travel agencies and charter flights all the way down to a photographers' agency ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Before the credits even finish; then again six minutes later ... Crossover: Chicago Dullard vs. Michael Lewis and Bjork ... BREAK ... Rating: 2.5 ... "I haven't been outside that much" ... Good bacteria ... The Leftovers: Arrow ... Clare Niederpruem ... Overlooking director Mariah Carey ... Leif Ericsson ... B-52's ... Vacationing spoiled rich kids ... Booking without double-checking ... Andre Agassi's camera ... Sigur and Rose ... Virgin Mountain ... Turn around and look ... Bubble hotel ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Mama Angola," by Retro Stefson • "Holiday," by FM Belfast • "Reykjavík," Sykur • "Svo hljótt," by Sigur Rós • "Mílanó," by Sigur Rós • "Glósóli," by Sigur Rós • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

086 - Hallmark 9/11 Origins: Can You Not? Apr 29, 2020

SARA KATE WILKINSON'S empire lies in ruins in the LOVE AND SUNSHINE (2019) and she's: Not buying Winnie Cooper ... THEME ... Deeply irritable ... Letters to Santa: They mentioned 9/11; a long way to get a dog in a house; wrong since Episode 3; can houses burn in Hallmark?; "A Season of Recovery" ... Troops without trauma ... A strange age scale ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Quaid In Full plug ... Michael Caine in Jaws 4 ... Danica McKellar on podcast probation ... The Expositional Challenge ... Jordan in the air ... Plot Mop-Up: Landscaping job; overstuffed with ex-partners; reenlisting the dog; military golden retriever ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Tricia Collins, Sunshine ... "We have politics about foster dogs" ... The Angels are in America ... Eat Your Heart Out: A diabetic party with lossless plates; bald eagle cupcakes; two-day welcome-home feast; Dear John apology pie; every possible dessert; three wine mentions; SURREAL SCREENSHOT; listener suggestions (memento mori; writer bubble fetish; Wuhan Virus); sugary lemonade; you just POURED the wine ... Agenda 21 ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Wedding planners (Episode 69); tulips, dogs, the Pacific Northwest and the military (Episodes 11, 18, 55, 57) ... Mark Deklin Intensity Appreciation Station ... Hallmark Made 9/11 happen ... Overdetermined: The 9/11 Trauma Swap; landscaping project summation; recapping relationships to a dog; "I guess we share more than a dog"; thank you for your service ... War on terraces ... BREAK ... Crossover: Jake Terry could appear in any action movie; or in Leave No Trace; the Parasite rock; an Iraq War town in the valley of Elah ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Passes within 90 seconds, fails for the rest ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Ben and Donna, pathological exes ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 3 ... LOOGY ... Chad Bradford arm error ... Rating: 2.5 ... So weighted with fetishized sacrifice that a light screenplay can't support it ... Two lives' chewed up by the machine ... Mythologized masculinity indivisible from patriotism ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Mark Deklin Appreciation Station #2 ... Pot your plants ... Pastel dog-washing hose ... Wife Chat: Dyeables shoes; sweatless workout; flowers that don't bloom at once; exposed deck picket ends; massive cheesecake; Danica cleans up after the party; engagement ring in pocket ... Ellie Kanner's LA comedy tie-in ... Infantilizing Bess Armstrong with technology ... "I have a debt I have to pay" ... War was challenging, but I made some buds ... Loving dogs isn't a personality ... Clawlike dog petting ... FBI sting fake movie ... "Based on a NYT mag article" ... Scientology ad ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Teenage Pregnancy," by Cake • "You Raise Me Up," by Josh Groban • "Let the Eagle Soar," by former US Attorney General John Ashcroft • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

085 - Welcome Back to Persimmon Chat Apr 17, 2020

SARA KATE WILKINSON exclaims YOU'RE BACON ME CRAZY (2020) and we choose between: The heart or the sandwich ... THEME ... No! Plans! Til Flag Day! ... Governor-Mayor prank fight ... "Kind of a DUI Guy" ... Jamaican Me Crazy ... Oover ... Donut Go Breaking My Heart ... Zero conflict ... Sara Kate check-in: These are slickly generic now ... A boring misunderstanding of food trucks ... Framed-photo food truck ... Dull, but adult! ... Sous vide chicken breast ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Olivia Steele-Falconer and Rhiannon Fish ... The Expositional Challenge: 39 seconds, a new record ... Plot Mop-Up: Food truck followers; disputed BLP; a tepid chef's past; a family realty ... Spot the Angel: "A plot was discharged" ... Tessa saboteur ... Cleo Martinelli's blonde pizza gestures ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: WTC Skyline Chili in Portland; Nate's Kevin Love trajectory; Casey Manderson as Brittany Bristow; tulips, Dellavadova, sandwiches and Quato; page A1 Amy Acker restaurant review ... Lincoln Rhyme: The Hunt for the Bonefish Grill ... Crossover: Cleo on Top Chef; The B-Team; Cleo chasing Ratatouille ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: No confrontation; expo dumps; slight teases; nothing ... Getting picked up in a farmer's market/Getting negged in a farmer's market ... Michael Rady: The Hallmark Paul Rudd ... Rating: 2.5 ... Got the Hibbert in ... INTERMISSION ... Eat Your Leftovers Out: What do you know about persimmons? ... I woulda never thoughta that! ... Smashing wack fruit ... Persimmon: rare for a reason ... Heavy metal music cue ... Neck tattoo of a fork ... Tribbiani-voiced call-in order ... Bacon Jammer/Bacon Stack ... Sriracha-braised cheesesteak ... Big Italian sandwiches ... Spooky Buddies Mysteries (Air Bud Canon) ... Spring movie theme aimlessness ... Cold opening-day weather ... Fun elbow swiping ... Housebroken love of teenager jokes ... BREAK ... Bread note, bread hipsterdom, shut the bread up ... Bread sweatin' ... "Is that cilantro?" ... The "Have Fun!" food competition ... New flavors ... Foodie paradise ... "Flavor sauce" ... The secret ingredient is love ... Fluffy meatballs ... Ranunculus ... The heart of the highway ... BOOK REPORT: "You're Bacon Me Crazy" ... Optioning the Highlights universe ... Allan Harmon filmography: Police Academy, The Net, Untold Stories of the ER (Skewered Skydivers, Pipe in Head, Ice-Cold Mom, Radioactive Rocks/Poked by a Cactus, The Littlest Stroke, Extra Dose: Turtle Trouble) ... Julie Warner and sexual intrigue ... Michael Rady's maybe sincere Stockholm Syndrome interview ... Last-second added conflict ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "The Reward Is the Cheese," by Deadmau5 • "Intermission Music," from Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail • "Bacon Fat," by Andre Williams • "Know Your Chicken," by Cibo Matto • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

084 - BadBoy James and the Whole Hardbody Movement Apr 05, 2020

We find the novel coronavirus A NOVEL ROMANCE (2015) and: Leave the long beat in there ... THEME ... Asymptomatic Patreon pitch ... Bill Mitchell's diarrhea conspiracy ... Worst version of a familiar plot ... Very sneaky, sir ... Tommy Bahama-ass chat look ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Orphan Black boyfriend ... The Expositional Challenge ... Let's do some addendums ... Jackie Facilitatrix ... A forensic accounting of BadBoy James ... Not Portland, Maine ... A Frankenstein of failed Hallmark screenplays ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Possibly Jackie, beneficent over-manager ... Almost an Angelfire blog ... Journalismism: A long beat about staff cutbacks; extreme opinions, web hits; August Cools Off; ID your book critic; these idiots would pivot to video; uncomfortably real; Riveting Reads dot Com; Record Building; cutting the arts department last; Journalism 101; we love Burkeman, folks ... Wealthy, retired bathroom cop ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Not All Tony's Are Baloney journalism creep; the Neurotic Hallmark Heroine Literary Agency; commenter drama ... Meet Me in Temecula ... Call me worm ... Overdetermined: BadBoy James exposition dump; Dylan Moran in Shaun of the Dead vibes; Casey Manderson, repeat supporting creep; nothing has happened; bookworm v. batboy; terrifyingly childish love; framed photo already ... BREAK ... Crossover: BadBoy James and Any Given Sunday ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: We think so? ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Almost everybody; Charles S. Dutton's magical minority; Dutton selling placeholder text ... A sports bar that hates sports ... Rating: 2.5, for trying ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Bonefish is waiiiiiting ... Book critic in a sports bar ... Getting centered in Portland, staring at family portraits ... Redeye logistics ... First-class drinking ... Mark Griffiths, Feldman, Haim, McBride, Hardbodies and Hardbodies 2 ... Huggo ... The Whole Hardbody Movement ... Dangerous in first class ... Lincoln Rhyme ... Poor running form ... "Maybe I'm Dwyane Wade" ... Frankfurt Club ... Electric Banana vs. (Hey Now) Niel, Portland Band ... Seems you're a magnet for tragedy ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Read It in Books (John Peel Session)," by Echo & The Bunnymen • "The Book I Read," by Talking Heads • "U2 (Special Edit Radio Mix)," by Negativland • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

083 - But Wait, There's Buckley Mar 26, 2020

There's no quarantine delivery so we shop LOVE IN STORE (2020), and: We're talking about Buckley ... THEME ... Our quarantine drug regimens ... Alcohol's time to shine! ... Toddler elbow drop ... Brandi update ... Can you rewatch this? ... Coach's clipboard ... Hallmark housebroken ... Kinetic directing ... TNT Original Series Leverage ... MST3K Channel ... Almost never fascist ... Just Shoot Me ... Nailing the leitmotif ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot wrap-up ... Spot the Angel: Jackée, the trickster god ... We're talking about Pompey, talking about Crassus ... Eat Your Heart Out: Tandem-bike picnic; horizontally stored cheese assortment; corporate break room and snack plates; butter-popcorn jelly beans; overbearing, unpalatable chips; chipotle steak rub; remarkably normal food ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tulips and Episodes 11 and 53; Episode 55's nautical issues; Episode 51's house-flippers; Episode 68's marriage reality show; Episode 76's travel shows; Episode 17's clothes; Episodes 10 and 22's secondhand clothes ... Goth conversion therapy ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Amy's trip report on Episode 82's Love's Complicated ... Overdetermined: Authentic escape-room content vs. The caveman theme vs. "I love your co-host!" vs. Vacuuming and imperfection ... Robert Buckley Appreciation Station ... Increasingly thankless iZombie role ... Rob Thomas Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Crossover: An iZombie recap trauma swap vs. Disclosure/Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf/The War of the Roses ... Rick Reuschel bobblehead ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: ??? ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Humanesque ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Highly efficient 2 ... Rating: 4.5 ... Great callback ending ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Massive SHC product integration and a return to Balsam Hill; White Collar's Ford Focus; Organic swag ... The Leftovers: There's no store ... Francesa fart noise ... Smokey Robinson and real, good music ... Unexcruciating dance number ... This wasn't on the way to school ... The bizarre centrality of a shopping channel in their private lives ... Watching game tape ... "Love on the Hallmark Channel" ... Moonlighting ... Matryoshka Hallmark movie ... Kate validating our enjoyment ... IMDB Dive: More Paul Ziller and Untold Stories of the ER ... Joie Botkin ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Dazzle (Glamour Mix)," by Siouxie and the Banshees • "Careless Whisper," by George Michael • "Smooth (Instrumental)," by Santana • "White Collar Closing Theme" • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

082 - Cinco Dublin's Safeway Afternoon Mar 18, 2020

We commandeer a grocery store because LOVE'S COMPLICATED (2016) for: Tony "Jody" LaRussa ... THEME ... Mustard on the intro ... Let's get unprofessional ... Confirming the Worsening Hallmark Hypothesis ... A cromulent rom-com that got made for Hallmark ... Tie Domi jersey ... Unavoidably Canadian ... Surreality is its own authenticity ... The David Lynch-Errol Morris Continuum ... Precious Chong ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Stevedore actors ... The Expositional Challenge: Success! ... A B-plot Dream Team of conflict-resolution patients ... Invasive/intimate concluding therapy confrontation ... Completely demented therapy ... Therapy gift certificates ... Torturing grocery store workers ... Breaking down harassment game tape ... Robert McNamara's Rules of Retail War ... A hostile clothing return ... NSC-68 ... Timberlake's boutique denim ... Cartoonishly evil manager ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Goose egg! ... Journalismism: Intense Leno vibes ... Steven Seagal is Taliban ... Shock jock literary review ... WEEI's Event Horizon ... Hallmark shock-jocks: Uncompromisingly centrist ... Confusing Corbin Bernsen and Joe Theismann ... Emotional dad-poisoning ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Fancy restaurant, the same order; cohabitate already; McLovin; Crepe Suzette; it's such a spectacle; wincingly alcoholic wine; everything hard to pronounce ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A stable of neurotic Hallmark-heroine memoirists vs. Meddling publishers from Episode 25, So Fuck You Edith Wharton and Episode 57, Wetwork for the American Pageant ... Paris Harris and a legitimate book blurb ... Overdetermined: "Things are just as they should be" and maximum cringe vs. Insufficiently overdetermined therapy ... Pitching changes with Jody Bellarussa ... Underexplored metatextual call-in radio conversation ... Jody, can you turn your radio down? ... BREAK ... Crossover: The Color of Night vs. Pig Vomit ... Sybian on the radio ... The Hallmark Bechdel and Voight-Kampff Tests: Yes, No ... Rating: 4 ... The Leftovers: "Trudeau" ... A cop mom from Dare Me ... A reasonably logical useless ex ... Cinco, an orchid and powerful Hallmark sexual tension ... The Merry Madness Christmas Bracket ... Eerie ballerina ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Sailing," by Christopher Cross • "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

081 - The Sick Bed of Fitzpatrick Feb 24, 2020

Ireland stays FOREVER IN MY HEART (2019), but: It's Ryan Fitzpatrick again ... Harvard Boy ... Kicked by a donkey or slapped by an elephant's trunk? ... The greatest QB of his era ... BREAK ... Interrupted intro ... Happy birthday! ... Uncular ... Six weeks off ... Annual January depression ... Crown Media sources ... Jeb's dad injuries ... Backup dad Ryan Fitzpatrick ... The 25th best in your world at your job ... Foreign architecture, busted ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... "Are these movies getting worse?" ... Authentic oofs, recycled beats ... Playing with the boys ... Plotless exhaustion ... Overnighter execution ... Prison Planet and creeping seasoning ... The stickiness of unique features ... Flooding the zone, goosing the numbers ... A Mountaintop Removal Christmas ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Return to form ... Dalkey ... Plot wrap-up ... Old lady's dirty weekend ... The Twinkling Isle ... Spot the Angel: None! ... My heart will Ashokan Farewell ... Eat Your Heart Out: Incredible-looking food; traditional breakfast and gorgeous scones; tea abundance; 3 beers and Shit London Guinness; David Roth's food fails ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Pugsley Hotel Chain vs. Generational wealth from European warfare ... Overdetermined: Bizarrely gentle breakup with Dave vs. Patrick, Charlie and second chances ... Rung up by the Mom Show ... Crossover: The Matchmaker vs. The Quiet Man vs. Local Hero vs. Simply Dave holding back the jokes ... Letters to Santa: Michael T's friend in Hopedale, Dave's visit to Cooperstown, America's Golden Door, and Nick's Quadruple H (Hallmark Holiday Hegemony Hypothesis) ... Adding jargon to more ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Steven R. Monroe and I Spit on Your Grave ... Product placement crisps ... Making the keychains more fun ... "Festival season kicks off in a week!" ... Inspiring and mostly cloudy ... Half a year in Columbus alone ... Confessions for scones ... "Like changing the font?" ... Rating: 2.5 ... Merry Christmas • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "The Sunnyside of the Street," by The Pogues • "Playing with the Boys" by Kenny Loggins • "Hell's Ditch," by The Pogues • "How Could I Be Wrong," by The Auteurs • "The Game (Triple H's Theme)," by Motörhead • "Lullaby of London," by The Pogues • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

080 - Bruce Yams' Juche Christmas Feb 14, 2020

CHRIS COLLISION opts for A BLUE RIDGE MOUNTAIN CHRISTMAS (2019) and: Kim Jong-un's perfume ad ... THEME ... Collective hangovers ... The movie is our fault ... Opening old beer ... I studied The Blade ... Foyer or Foyer ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: Vindication! ... Plot wrap-up ... Not an actual movie ... Overlook Hotel Caretaker ... Spot the Angel: Mrs. Sacks, hotel haint; African-American prospective buyer; no angel candidate; Paul Auster and later DeLillo; Rachael Leigh Cook's Willow ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cookies, cider, cocoa; no lids; wan sugar Paula Deen-ass cookies; a world without cookie toppings; Oh, Walnuts!; no savory food; plate of uncooked kale; flat, sad champagne; legitimate fruitcake gag; Brogan's Diner ... When Rachael Leigh Cook is Rachael Leigh Cook ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tepid water metaphor; Mistletoe Inn book workshop crossover; law office for acquiring Hallmark inheritances; map of Canada; doppelgängers ... The Clonus Horror ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Men's Crazy Cat Man Ugly Christmas Sweater; roadie reps; martinis available in Midway, Utah; moving to Utah because of A Boyfriend for Christmas; how to get your brothers into Hallmark hot takes; Charles Durning as Santa Clause; Bruce Yams; A Kim Jong-un Hallmark Christmas Movie ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Love object, or building; over-parallelism; pretending you don't know you're in love; a six-minute span of treacly nostalgia; "Christmas Games" (1993) ... Crossover: The Prisoner; it's not like other movies; The Others ... Beat the Geeks ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Reference in another Hallmark movie; also, yes! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Benjamin (David Lyndon) and chemistry; Brothers McMullen; Ben's mom's haunted fifth-act talk ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Too much moppet; bollard pull; Lina Renna trying to dial it back; 4 ... Rating: 2.5 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Snow on the roof and nowhere else ... "We're doing 5 nativities" ... Assessing the nativity market ... Eagle Ridge, not Blue Ridge ... David Winning, who killed my baby? ... A Ruby Ridge Christmas ... Now that's paper ... Why did you wrap in memories for warmth? ... Based on the book ... Hallmark's Q-Anon ... Neil LaBute ... Erotic step-siblings ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Grave Architecture," by Pavement • "She's All That Freestyle" • "My My My My Mitchell," by Hoyt Axton • "No Motherland Without You," by The DPRK National Orchestra • "Wicked Game," by Bossasonic • "Kiss Me," by Sixpence None the Richer • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

079 - Flea Market Von Trapp Behavior Feb 05, 2020

KAREN GEIER laces up her black-and-white Nikes for CHRISTMAS AT GRACELAND: HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS (2019) and journeys to: An important announcement ... THEME ... Oprah intro ... Hallucinating your own death ... Cult podcasts and grief ... Hallmark, holidays and cult behavior ... Caganer update ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Plot in One Segment: Back from Europe, on a couch, taking every job ... Thin plot, montages, filler ... Disrupting HIPAA for for-profit hospitals ... Insane fundraiser and Graceland gala ... Yule logs, tree shopping and decorating ... More filler kid-montages and a last-minute quit ... Priscilla Presley ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Harper's sister, or just Harper ... Adrian Grenier's Oh No! hair ... Eat Your Heart Out: A yule football phone; a toilet seat of dessert; sandwich error; kitchen flour explosion; "We're baking!"; cutting ones ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Back to Grace Lint for horror-romance and former bandmates ... Remembering last year's movie ... Overdetermined: Negging into domesticity vs. The Kids Need Structure ... Crossover: Hallmark's Extra-Pregnant "Entourage" with murder vs. Ashley Judd and Morgan Freeman save Graceland vs. A Fugue of Doubtfires ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! Plus a silent husband ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: HusboBot 2.0 vs. Priscilla hostage-haunting Graceland ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 4 ... AIR BUD DEFEATS PORKY'S ... Rating: 2 ... Realtor staging a murder house ... Fake snow residue, ill-placed wadding ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Authentic Memphis International Airport Experience, with Minority ... Accept the job, change the job, hold the job hostage ... Absentee parents ... Color-rinsed exteriors ... McMansions nearly dwarfing Graceland ... Identical dead-mom photos ... Don't tinsel like Elvis ... Europe: The shopping is amazing! ... Corning's rotating glass wall ... Plugs! ... Misbehavin' ... Merry Christmas • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Pope," by Prince • "Elvis and Bears," by The Red Elvises • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne • Check out Karen's podcasts and other work here.

078 - He Didn't Understand a Hammer Dec 30, 2019

CHARLES STAR and ROBERT WHEEL pair up for a HOLIDAY DATE (2019) and: Act cool in the hardware store ... THEME ... Patty and Shelby shout ... Truly vs. Claw ... Foremost Jewish thinkers ... Hallmark's first "Hanukkah" movie ... Unfamiliar with Christmas AND Hanukkah ... Jeb screws up the actor name ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... "Plot in Philly" ... Bad fake architect, bad everything ... "I've never had ham" ... Jewish prayers and phlegm ... Insulting to Christians ... Prayer horn ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Theological soundness and/or Teryl Rothery ... Classic Lines: The Emo Philips/Anna Wintour continuum; old things are better ... Eat Your Heart Out: Jelly donuts, the Israeli import; sour cream AND apple sauce; asshole restaurant set; Ethan's Nick Swisherness and rehabilitation; is Ethan a sit-wiper; bagels and lox; Israeli salad; tzimmes; Ashkenazi-Sephardic schism ... Bobby's goodbye ... BREAK ... Plugs ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Vivica Fox's white-slavery goth-conversion boutique ... Overdetermined: Father's gruff exterior; the family's anthropological interest in his Jewishness ... Charles visits Indiana at Christmas ... Eating all the popcorn ... Actors aren't criminals ... BREAK ... Shtetl Pass ... Crossover: Scarecrow and Mr. Grunt; the Waiting for Guffman 'verse ... Immigrant/exchange student vibes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Joel, hands down; not understanding a hammer or method; Glen's humiliation relationship ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 2 ... Rating: 1 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Terrible acting advice ... Written at a child's level ... Amy Klobuchar jokes ... Dad's hysterically joyful weeping ... Doesn't understand theater ... Phillies, Eagles, 76ers ... "A very troubling year for this player" ... Menorah gift ... Interfaith Spencer's gift ... Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Shlepp the Halls with Loaves of Hallah," by The Three Weissmen • "Latkes" by Sam Glaser • "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen," by The Klezmonauts • "We Wish You a Klezmer Christmas," by Lauren Bernofsky • "(I'm Spending} Hanukkah in Santa Monica," by Tom Lehrer • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

077 - Card It Forward, Actually Dec 19, 2019

MEREDITH HAGGERTY returns to get WRITE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2019) and, actually: It's a holiday from holidays ... THEME ... Love, actually 50 percent shorter ... Cast of lug nuts ... Good premise, big swing, not enough movie ... Death cards ... Hanged Jesus and Boston racial violence ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Lachey manque ... Plot in One Segment: Santa bed ... Optician ... Romcom proposal breakup ... Plot sampler! ... Beasley callback ... Lolita Davidovich thirst trap ... Oversharing dog-based romance ... Orphanages and cello teachers ... When a hot guy follows you into your house ... When he shows up at work ... Card-based parenting decisions ... Hallmark boy band ... Primo and a prima donna ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Hallmark cards, animal fat ... Seasonal bed ... Eat Your Heart Out: Bouncers, tabloids and candy canes; marshmallows; water in wine glasses; Primo's, Sarasota and tea houses; dogs, fruitcake and doorstops ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: 2006's The Christmas Card and Pvt. Jessica Lynch vs. Michaels, but for supernatural Christmas supplies vs. the pan-Chicago Hallmark zone ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Luke's picture and journey to Club Motion vs. Exposition bleeding over timelines and Stay in Your Lane, Grandma, and Don't Bring Up Death vs. Jane Mansfield death car (Crossover) intrusion and lassoing the moon and Primo's camera monologue ... Five minute psycho speed-dating and elevator creeping ... Crossover: Mimi's birthing decisions vs. Scrote, and Chicago Cello vs. Cop out ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Hallmark "Hanukkah" movies; Last Ship nostalgia; Andy G's notes about Christmas tree lots and free hot drinks ... LOT COP: Trees facing wrong on the car and going into a house, twice; business class Christmas; Christmas-tree lot banter, bourbon bluffers and dads in Home Depot ... The Swagony of Defeat: Cards, plug ... Lila got card-jobbed ... Over-50 communities ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Jessica, Mimi and Cello dreams ... Deliberately tragic first impression ... Pro-Confederacy local orchestra ... Jewish-penned carols ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Luke, creepy person not a creepy robot; the happy-go-lucky ex Wes; Mimi's child-rearing by card; Wes's sample size of dislike ... BREAK ... Rating: 2.5, for Love Actually'ing without "moments"; a mediocre but game attempt; fewer cards next time ... The Leftovers: Jax, and the happiest loser band in the world ... Purple theme, purple theme ... Insane and confusing timeline ... Sir Robert Peel ... Chad Michael Murray's incredible filmography ... Herman's Head and Xuxa ... An oral history of the dog eating the heart ... Magically starting an abandoned car ... Getting advice from your romantic rival ... Adoption whimsy journalism ... Getting a gig writing fake copy ... You try doing the segues, Dave ... Podcast scoliosis ... Merry Christmas • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Used to Believe," by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists • "All or Nothing" by O-Town • "You Raise Me Up," by Josh Groban • "Chick Magnet," by MxPx • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

076 - Cyrano Fieri's Love Passport Dec 06, 2019

ROBERT WHEEL returns for THE MISTLETOE SECRET (2019) and might get: Lubricious ... Always bet on Duffles ... Underused Patrick Duffy ... Improved Hallmark experience ... Moments of Mirth ... Competent leads, improved Pickler ... Kathleen Madigan on Kellie Pickler ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup ... Patrick Monahan shout-out ... Uneven pacing, treading water ... Sterling Masters' heel j-turn ... Hallmark's version of Cyrano ... Spot the Angel: Duffy, brassy broad, Aria and Midway itself ... Misrepresenting rural Utah ... BREAK ... Journalismism: Implausible writing gifts; mischaracterizing producers; Sterling Masters is in The Bubble; Aria's teenage writing fandom; huge travel influencer; tweet, snap, share and 'gram it; mystery novel; acceptable resentment ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Waitress shout-out; mistletoe man meringue; nutcrackers, Robert Wheel namin' nuts; popcorn chewing in the dark; mistletoe martini; rural Utah blue laws; marshmallow expertise; Christmas pickle, German tradition; ordering for the lady; almost a real courtship; John DeLorean's flourless coke spoon ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Adrian Grenier's Utah; Romneys on the BYU team; uncomfortable allusions ... Overdetermined: A Taste of New Haven Passport vs. The Mistletoe Man vs. Sitcom cutoff dialogue vs. "Take a risk!" ... Tolstoyan allegory ... Crossover: Alex and Sterling's comeuppance and/or body-swapping; Squiggy; No Country for Elf Men ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Balsam Hill ornaments, again; a Belsnickel Christmas ... Hallmark's The Magic Mountain, Death on Christmas and Buddenbrooks ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Devoured by Christmas ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Sterling Masters' turtle hat vs. Craig, volunteer Uberist, Get Out and Christmas ... Rating: 3 ... House flipping, again ... Tyler Hynes Appreciation Station ... The Leftovers: [LINK] Cronenberg cat sweater [LINK] ... 30-50 feral cats ... Pass the Bedazzler ... Self-negotiation ... Is Santa's workshop nearby? ... Farewell shooting star ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Joy to the World," by The Klezmonauts • "Misbehavin' (1989)" by Aimee-Leigh and Baby Billy • "Edelweiss (Instrumental)," by JJ Heller • "Girls of Porn," by Mr. Bungle • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

075 - I Want My Baby Back Home, and Ribs Nov 26, 2019

NICK BOND takes us on a CHRISTMAS SCAVENGER HUNT (2019) to look for: Tom Arnold is sick ... THEME ... Brainwash your parents ... Sharing Hallmark with socialist whodunit mom ... Bona fides check ... Really enjoying the movie ... Saddam Hussein is so handsome ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: A Dark Abyss ... Plot mop-up ... Flip your damn tie ... Hallmark people being normal people ... Spot the Angel: Nobody, or Tom Arnold ... Naturalistic acting, or is the movie just in his house? ... Illness vs. Stroke ... Eat Your Heart Out: Ham yes, phones no; new rib recipe; emoting via food, but not eating feelings; giant pot of chili; I need Christmas fuel; don't you wish there was a better way; hot chocolate errand; a sea of gravy; upgrade your bird; a Wine Clown's alienating dining behavior; silk tie ... BREAK ... Patreon plug ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: New England or Pittsburgh?; wandering into Falling for Vermont; Gail Is the Haint; Garbage Store Mysteries; The Stars Hollow Man and bonding over dumb male trauma; friending exes on Facebook ... Overdetermined: Constant, workable overdeterminacy vs. marriage is not a binary choice ... BREAK ... Crossover: There Will Be Blood vs. Dark Knight Rises and Wonder Boys ... Alfred Pennyworth, Things of That Nature ... The Swagony of Defeat: More Balsam Hill ornaments, Hallmark card ... Are there stationary stores anymore? ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, but with a C- average ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Maybe Logan, but the plot lets everyone be fully formed ... BREAK ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 5, via extra troop ... I want my mom home from the war ... Satellite Marine Corps museum campus ... Hallmark Make-a-Wish child ... We love you, America ... Rating: A juicy 4 ... The Leftovers: Whoa, wife loathing ... The Yeti thing ... 311 ... Screen bugs obscuring clues ... "One of exclaim" ... Snow globe hoarder ... Childhood bedroom living-room suite ... IMDB Dive: I downloaded a ghost and want my pants back ... Hearts of Spring callback ... Nick's plugs ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Common Man Boogie (Dusty Rhodes Theme)," by Jimmy Hart and JJ Maguire • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

074 - Agent Cody Banks 3: Destination Stepmom Nov 22, 2019

We close our eyes to PICTURE A PERFECT CHRISTMAS (2019) and see: Honkey Grandma be trippin' ... THEME ... Hello again to the AI horse ... Two good leads, one frictionless movie and one maximally shoplifted pootie ... Merritt Patterson and Jon Cor Appreciation Station ... Desi Jedeikin shout-out ... Authentic trauma ... Bad parenting, out-of-control moppeting ... David Brooks Castigation Station ... BREAK ... Neurotic vamping ... Plot in one sentence ... Stay in your lane, gramma ... Plot in 15 ... Texting joke and normal texting ... Famous people in your contacts ... Pageant and Wicker Man season ... Conversationally overcompensating ... Troy Murphy Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... A surplus of borrowed plots ... Spot the Angel: Grandma Louise vs. Moppet Troy ... Poultice guy ... Eat Your Heart Out: Green cookies; cupcakes and getting put on blast by Jodi; fake-drinking cappuccino; hot cocoa at a tree farm; snarfing a mug of whipped cream; Troy, WTF???; a pot roast spoken of ... Jewish pot roast ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Angry letter; a merch inquiry about our talking AI horse toy with articulated limbs; algorithmic Facebook ads ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Lucky in Love, toxic executivity; Seattle's Best Business Bachelor; Hannibal Lecter and Kenny Chesney ... Overdetermined: Santa, get me a mom for Christmas vs. Grandma not staying in her lane; Grandma horniness ... BREAK ... Crossover: Agent Cody Banks 3: Destination Stepmom ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, uh, but ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Can you be an angel, a grandma and a skinjob? ... Senior citizen ha-ha horny hoarders ... Local Citizen Pasted in Puss with Puss ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 4 ... Rating: 2.5 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Grandma Demon ... Higgins from The Christmas Train ... Director Paul Ziller's 36 episodes of "Untold Stories of the ER" ... Diagnose Me, Crowbar in Hand, Runaway Asthma, and Anaphylactic Shock and Awe ... "Christmas Coupons Galore!" ... Baal ... Bloodfist 4: Die Trying ... Billy Blanks ... A Lawnmower Man, a guy from Designing Women and a Monkees Daughter walk into a bar ... Virtual Seduction ... San Francisco traffic ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Surfin' Bird," by The Trashmen • "Super Taranta!" by Gogol Bordello • "Kodachrome," by Paul Simon • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

073 - The Hallmark Version of Intercourse Nov 18, 2019

DAVID T. COLE fortifies himself for PUMPKIN PIE WARS (2016) and the rising: Dave Quotient ... IMDB savant, finite memory ... Non-romping splenda oatmeal ... Magnum, PI's "Paper War" ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: May be written ... Karen Geier plug ... Pie breach origins, bakery bailouts ... Just get a chair ... The Hallmark version of intercourse ... Hallmark-level naughty ... Falling off a ladder ... Some braless work ... "Winning the bake-off will bring in the locals" ... Who are the baking mandarins? ... Six Months Later ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No angel food cake; a terrible version of The Good Place; no angels, but The Devil ... Eat Your Heart Out: Pumpkin out the yang; no food stylist on set; a reasonable menu; inaccurate pie baking time; Le Cordon Bleu in London; artificially ignorant kitchen wrecking; "I'll write the recipe"; Casey learns nothing; baking pumpkins ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Murder She Baked, and America's Pie Belt ... The (Pie) Body Farm ... Murder She Baked > Khal Drogo ... Crossover: Grace and Frankie prequel; Tampopo; eighth base; Hallmark's Hunger Games; Gordon Ramsay abuse; Nailed It ... BREAK ... Payola, Patreon and another ad bust ... Journalismism: Another fake Google; Lucky in Love; Wharton's classes on psychological warfare; press scrum for pie ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Technically yes, buuuuut ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Sam is a replicant; Rico Aragon at the table read; Amish Ghost; it won't happen a third time; every person watching a bake-off; rotisserie turkey ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Chair solution; a boundless bake-off economy; being complementary ... Rating: The Juiciest Taco origin story, and a 2.75 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Existential pumpkins ... CSI handwriting sample ... Black Betty ... He has a boat ... Teenage sneaking around ... Just go talk to him ... Cocaine is supposed to be fun ... Wellness Living ... A knife too far ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Hot 'n' Nasty," by Humble Pie • "Buttermilk Boy," by Humble Pie • "Apple Pie À La Mode," by Destiny's Child • "Be Sweet," by The Afghan Whigs • "Sucking on the Sweet Vine," by Humble Pie • "Six Gallon Pie," by The Meat Puppets • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

072 - Doohickey Woodworking Nov 13, 2019

We settle our brains for a NOSTALGIC CHRISTMAS (2019) and: A computerized programmable horse ... THEME ... Ethnically Kasem ... Led astray by Brooke D'Orsay ... Trevor Donovan streak ... Victor Webster's lotion ... The Expositional Challenge: Dunnnkk ... Powerful wooden Santa totems ... Alicia, the smartest person in Hallmark history ... Dullards ... Going back to Miss Christmas ... Leads failed by material ... Brooke D'Orsay Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: City of angels, angel amnesia ... Jaguar ... Eat Your Heart Out: A single bite, dessert chicharones ... Mike Francesa farted on the radio ... RIP, Deadspin, a fart website ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Christmas in Angel Falls, the rocky and desolated Hallmark riviera, abandoned southern downtowns, Squat and Gobble, Kum and Go, Pump and Munch vs. Who buys the mill? ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Listener Sarah's Segments, including "The Moderately Attractive Man," "Chekhov's Solution," and "A You Problem," The Horse and Carriage Elder God ... The Nog-Sothoth ... Overdetermined: "No time for love, Dr. Jones!" and "A Hug of Good Tidings" ... Excess of binary scenes ... Repeated parental conversations ... Crossover: Satanic Christmas in Castle Rock ... Sergio Leone camerawork ... Aw, GAWRSH ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone is a replicant ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 4, and an ecstasy of twinkling and thankless material ... Rating: 1.5 ... The Leftovers: [LINK] Smart Horse [LINK] ... The Internet of Horse ... BoJack Horseman ... "We purchased the title of a book and ignored it" ... Nostalgic Christmas TK TK ... The cab traffic in North Bay, Maine ... Herding reindeer ... A weird figurine of an older man ... Don't read the incantation aloud ... Jessie gets left with a lot of adult strangers ... A non-Euclidian Hallmark space ... Celebrating a win at the snowball toss ... The doohickey stays in the picture ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "U2 (Special Edit Radio Mix)," by Negativland • "Twin Peaks Theme," by Angelo Badalamenti • "I'm Gonna Love You Just a Little More, Baby," by Barry White • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

071 - Law Bud and The Wheelbarrow Man (Teaser) Nov 05, 2019

Meredith Haggerty runs afoul of LOVE, FALL & ORDER and finds: Sound problems! ... Crossover: Law Bud ... Love, Fall & Order: Special Vermont Unit ... Terence Malick's Love, Fall & Order ... All the Real Girls: Secret Hallmark ... MUSIC: "Surfboard," by Esquivel ... [LINK] Full episode available here. [LINK]

070 - Exile in Goalville Oct 28, 2019

We forget everything and start FALLING FOR VERMONT (2017) and: Hard at work or hardly working? ... THEME ... Pepperidge Farm doesn't remember ... Letters to Santa: We want it jauntier; listener Jack's bullet-point recommendation ... Not the most insane amnesia plot ... Flavor of Love ... The Expositional Challenge: Honk ... The most disturbing image in Hallmark ... Veronica Mars trauma callback ... Exploiting the vulnerable, and overnight medical ethics ... "I am not a crackpot" ... Hand over amnesiacs to social workers ... Nobody recognizes JK Rowling ... You're in Hopedale ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: There are no angels here ... Crushing on an amnesiac empty shell ... The helpless gratitude kiss ... The Day After Tomorrow callback ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cider vibes, to-go coffee, blueberry pancakes; the Nut! button; nut allergies; Beantown Today; breathin' hard, or hardly breathin'; foliage, shell food and butter; pie-eating contest; ice-cream finale ... Gazebo perturbation ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Bookstore Boss Goes Bonkers vs. Gail Is the Haint ... Overdetermined: Literal amnesia plot effacing heavy Hallmark metaphor; diving into shallow water ... No pot in this Vermont ... Crossover: Shutter Island for Hallmark amnesiacs, Rob Delaney resemblance, Michael McGlone for Geico, Godfather II, Laura Palmer's body ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Strong yes ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 3, for too-precocious meta-dialogue ... Secretary of Moppetry Lauren McNamara ... Rating: 3 ... Watching the same epiphanies repeat ... Plug! ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Go for Brad (Canadian Wine Clown) ... Con Cord, New Hampshire ... Journey Girl ... Scorch Trials ... Buying your car at Ross ... Shopping montage ... Driving jump-cut ... Correct weather ... Nixon Agosies ... "Medically normal" ... [LINK] Brian Wilson is Black Ops [LINK] ... David Winning: Most Prolific Hallmark Director ... Canada: America's Rec Room ... Remaking Cronenberg's Rabid with Hallmark actors ... Exposition comes in threes ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "City of Hope," by Journey • "Hold on Hope," by Guided by Voices • "Laura Palmer's Theme," by Angelo Badalamenti • "Oklahoma, USA," by The Kinks • "Hope," by Bauhaus • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

069 - The Sex Number Oct 17, 2019

SARA KATE WILKINSON finds LOVE AT FIRST DANCE (2018) leads to: Cat intercourse ... THEME ... It's a beautiful day in Hallmarkia ... Rockin' pneumonia ... Pleasant and frictionless ... Pretty movie ... The Expositional Challenge ... Prescribe more air horn ... BREAK ... Plot in 15 Minutes: Inoffensive meet-cute conflict ... Swedish New York aristocracy ... Gorgeous business fiancée ... Niall Matter Appreciation Station ... Busy time for the market ... You take care of the flowers ... How to hold a cat ... Pond standing ... Hallmark Get off the Fence ... This woman is brave as hell ... Real-dancer butt differential ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Mutual muses or nothing! ... Classic Lines: Becca Tobin, tiny, in-character clothes and pretty; Adriana's false wedding-dress anxiety; Frank Gehry dress; sweet friends, no ulterior motives; matter, Niall mind; off-the-rack suits, shapeless tie; athlete-ass couture; boater-ass vibe ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cake tasting in a food desert; pastry turducken ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Surly wedding planner from The Convenient Groom; dead Beetlejuice case worker vs. Very Very Valentine and Summer in the City ... Statuesque women ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Writing your own book jacket; friendly, decent and sexless; I just want company at this point ... Crossover: Dancing movies and class distinctions; Waaaarriiiiorrrrrrs; what is the timeline here; frictionless rich-people problems; it was handed to me; Whit Stillman's Metropolitan ... Making your brokerage underwrite your plays ... Rating: 3.5 ... It *is* boring ... BREAK ... Plugz! ... The Leftovers: Nothin' but A names ... I. Am. Delivering. ... IMDB dive ... GOOP self-care capitalism ... Parking on the right side in London ... Making Sara Kate defend Buble ... Reading the Economist ... Not co-habitating ... Let's f*ck ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Da' Dip," by Freak Nasty • "Big Bottom," by Spinal Tap • "Candy," by Dag • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

068 - The Matrix, but for Marriage Oct 02, 2019

The Oracle says we'll meet MY ONE AND ONLY (2019) and: Make a hashtag out of #UandMe ... THEME ... Ballooning away ... Locked-in disorder experience ... Refrigerator poetry/Taco Bell menu plot ... Bean unit ... 5-layer burrito ... Rude zingers ... When Pascale Hutton talks ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... The wrap-up ... Self-aware but self-Hallmarking dialogue ... "I worked at Big Dogs" ... Juvenile lean-in to meta-commentary ... Crowded by Crown Media formulas ... Selsen Blue's reality show setups ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Bupkes! ... Eat Your Heart Out: Giant bowl of cherries; you love fortune cookies; single women housing deep-fried starches; consensual choke cherry jam; incredible BBQ blocking ... A jillion extras ... Hallmark Basic Instinct ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Founders Day and the Wicker Man; The Ranch Belt; Jason Whitlock, the Steve Bannon of Haberdashery; Hot Shots, Part Deux; Luke Perry; Carl is hard; ranch pandemic; All Things Valentine callback ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Exhaustive fear/falling metaphors; decent elder wisdom; priceless journals for all guests; The Deseret School of memoirs ... Crossover: The Horse Whisperer, but with wife-swapping; Days of Heaven; Heaven's Gate ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, with a strongly non-selfless irresolute ending ... Rating: 2 ... Following Andy Kaufman ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Lee Brice's "Rumor" ... Twitter auditing Lee Brice ... Bunnicula ... I Choo-Choo-Choose Logitech ... I gotta grab some permits ... Pandering luddism ... Sushi burritos ... Angry old Cosby ... Edward Woodward and filming in bad weather ... Every Hallmark movie is 10 days old ... Tactics on Trout ... Fishing hook to the face ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Birthday Cake," by Cibo Matto • "The Ballad of the Green Berets," by SSgt Barry Sadler • "Rumor," by Lee Brice • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

067 - We Named the Dog Boyfriend Sep 25, 2019

We experience LOVE AT FIRST GLANCE (2017) and forget about: The tango ... THEME ... Cuckolding nurse ... This movie's f'ing crazy ... 1.5 deaths ... Repeatedly traumatizing one boy ... Mount Igneous ... Canadian polygamy ... Dave makes it normal ... Pausing before the insanity ... Whiffs of The Mistletoe Promise ... Amy Smart Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Plot in 20 Minutes: Still in the quirky Hallmark era ... Jump to Conclusions Editor ... Exclusive: The Meaning of Love ... Dumped by Carl over deuce ravioli ... Art O. F. Fielding ... Obvious gay BFF dressed like a magician ... Hallmark greeting-card photographer ... Actual, legitimate journalism ... China in a dog shop ... Extra Hot Great reverie ... Beautiful exterior and real action shots ... The cuckolding nurse's Hallmark-card-text monologue ... "That is so tragic" ... Dinosaur Mountain's eruption slope ... Amnesia breakup ... Not Bucs QB Brad Johnson ... Now THAT'S a cuckolding nurse ... Richard Riehl's cookie monologue ... James and his dad have hogs ... Carl's breakup amnesia ... "Did you read my article on the meaning of love?" ... Gay BFF clothing shade ... Potential traffic fatality ... OOTS OOTS music ... Here's my childhood trauma valentine ... Beefcake ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: James/Adrian Grenier ... Eat Your Heart Out: Phantom ravioli for two; Spielberg's Tiramisu; frightened of sushi; back-alley pastries; "blintz? blintz?"; chalky valentine hearts ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Salt Lake Outpost vs. a Mistletoe Promise vibe vs. Reader Appeal ... Journalismism: A front-page article on the meaning of love and text from a term paper on child development ... Overdetermined: The entire second act, the messianic love of James ... Crossover: This Is Us riff; send them to Vietnam; hearing "How to Save a Life" in a hospital; Castle Rock, the series ... BREAK ... Partner Chat: "One of those guys who confuses mommies and girlfriends"; Ubers in Hallmark; Julia Roberts gag; foundation-slathered gay BFF cattiness; picking the one bad outfit of three; waiting for the craziness; Mistletoe Promise death callbacks ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... Movie Rating: 3.5 ... Jello mold/mother's little helper chat ... The Leftovers: Fake Confucius quote ... Crown Media shout-out ... Lots of Successories ... Real texting tactics ... Adrian Grenier's classic tweet ... "Dogs are my life, dogs saved my life, James saved my life" ... Pictures in the Hall of Editors ... Mary CRUSHES this breakup ... Boyfriend ... Kathy Kloves' writing chops/choices ... Exorcist III: Legion ... Flippin' OJ Simpson ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "El Bimbo," by Bimbo Jet, from the Police Academy Soundtrack, composed by Robert Folk • "Blame, Etc.," by The Afghan Whigs • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne

066 - The Cheeseburger Address Sep 09, 2019

It's an embarrassment of riches with the SISTER OF THE BRIDE (2019) and: Extra Hot Great, SVU and the cultural canon ... Vartan Dadian ... THEME ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Oxford School of Economics ... Professor of Factoidal Weddingology ... Cherry T-Bird ... Golfing without golfing ... Jack Welch, Lee Iacocca ... Hallmark Inversion: A talented golfer feigning incompetence ... Mind if we film-through? ... Michael Gross brings you to tears ... A B&B with strangers, a fridge at the in-laws ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No ... A marriage drama with logistics ... Charming banter ... Hide the realtor ... Eat Your Heart Out: The whitest Hallmark movie yet; coffee meet-cute; pancakes-and-waffles summer and colossal breakfast starch; a Gosford Park of food; first Hallmark IPAs; an establishment Republican film; Viking River Cruise people; Perillo Tours; flabbergasting carrot-peeling technique; rich people guessing and/or tanking at chores; inhuman mass of salad; Founding Fathers raspberry tarts ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Department Chair in Marriageology from Puppy Love vs. An MVA with Love of Course, a Christmas Melody and Puppy Love ... Alle Lieben Jake ... Overdetermined: The Cheeseburger Address ... Michael Gross as the bummer GOP father-in-law ... The Mr. Fusion of guest-star speeches ... Jen Lilley being enthusiastic for you ... Why is Candace Cameron the hegemon? ... Crossover: Tremors, in this movie vs. 2012 ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Unambiguously no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone at ease in the same unreality ... Rating: A backdoor 3 ... Cranked the dial all the way to bread ... Letters to Santa: It turns out 9/11 happened ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Everyone is rich ... Kate Wagner and McMansion Hell Appreciation Station ... Squatter's rights ... Invisible giant engagement ring ... Voiceover priest ... Two copies of the college textbook ... I'm looking forward to hearing the wedding band ... Punk underground vs. Techno ... Not laughing in the writers' room ... PA in jeans at the wedding ... Thoughtless rich-people wedding invite ... Amazon peeling review ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Eggs and Sausage (In a Caddilac with Susan Michelson)," by Tom Waits • "Let's Roll," by Neil Young • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

065 - Day Drinking Through Dog Trauma Aug 22, 2019

STACEY GOTSULIAS has comps and will travel for PUPPY LOVE (2012) and: A Parental Advisory from TV's Andy Levy ... THEME ... No regrets ... Jeb picked a turkey ... Actor athleticism ... Terminally predictable ... 18 minutes of abandonment and anxiety ... Collar foley work ... The Expositional Challenge: Called for rain ... How we bork the Expositional Challenge ... Plot wrap-up ... Jamie Moyer and John Franco's hospice ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Gail vs. Jake The Dog ... Darin Erstad dog comp ... Watching dog trauma ... Dogs are more three-dimensional than Hallmark plots ... Gail, a normal person ... Old person's name ... Eat Your Heart Out: Day-drinking; butt chugging; 50 pizza lies; Phoenix pizza; hand-tossed pizza comps; one pound of brie; stolen joint of meat; Candace Cameron's NY secret ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Art Thou Botown Minor League Org Chart and Joe Theismann's Sports Agency vs. All Things Valentine radio trash talk vs. The Mariah Carey Long Island Ohio Expanded Universe ... Classic Lines: CandyCams' stiletto heels, Victor Webster's height, method shoe acting, a paper bag full of women's shoes, Wilpon/Wilpoff, piss-take $500 shoe design; not looking like a college professor ... Not the worst CandyCams performance, but ... Who falls for someone this brittle? ... Foosball, sure, but the house I don't buy ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: "Who settles for Megan?" vs. Gail punching holes in plot urgency vs. Where's my f*cking dog??? ... Crossover: Death Ship or Ghost Ship; Candace Cameron in The Running Man; Ryles, buddy comedy guy; not the guy who drinks your fat; Jerry Maguire, but with the Mets ... Intentional Talk ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Passes by letter, but not spirit; incredibly thoughtless tiger mom real-estate decisions ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Ryles or maybe Megan or maybe everybody ... The Great American Novel ... Leon Uris ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson ... Movie Rating: 1 ... The Leftovers: Totally struck out ... Where does Ryles live? ... Lambrusco Co. ... You gonna retire from old age soon? ... Moe, don't throw out those bobbleheads! ... Traded to New Jersey ... Hallmark's concept of the Disabled List ... Longing montage without longing ... Inland Empire-level pacing violations ... BREAK ... IMDB dive on Harvey Frost: Midnight Heat (1995), Tim Matheson, burly owner ... The Brittany Murphy Story ... My Secret Identity and Out of This World ... Steve Bacic, A Professor of Sports ... Aunt kisses and post-credits horniness ... German obedience school ... The Roanfield Post, Poegos in the Series, jump back to A2, money ruins sports and Prairie Chicken on the Field Has the Padres Crying Foul ... Never dated a player before ... Authentic Heineken ... Plugs ... Super Train ... Merry Christmas • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Baseball Boogie," by Mabel Scott • "Knock It out of the Park," by Sam and Dave • "Talkin' Baseball," by Nancy Bea Hefley • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

064 - Are You Afraid of the Badge? Aug 16, 2019

SARA KATE WILKINSON meets THE CONVENIENT GROOM (2016) only to fall in love with: Our best friend Phylis ... THEME ... Dave is off tanning ... Fake spouses, a favorite thing ... Shakespeare tropes ... The Expositional Challenge ... Stone b*tch fake mother-in-law ... First-act cheater ... Confessing during technical difficulties ... Twentysomething with teen hairstyle love ... Mr. Lorelai Gilmore ... When we started liking it ... Vanessa Marcil Appreciation Station ... David Sutcliffe, delightfully in his sweet spot ... Rounding out the other characters ... Phylis, and a family of Canadian flashback TV show guests ... Larissa Albuquerque ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Zero ... Journalismism: Vlogger, not blogger; tripod videographer; this is not how book deals work; Pam, clueless; reply in comments; women watching vlogs in public spaces; Dr. Kate Lawrence, Ph.D. ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: A TON of food; 3 first-date red flags callback; staircase torment; FISH vs. HAM; inexplicable dinner; happy-face waffle; curry is awesome; 14 plums; housing unripe fruit; unidentifiable chicken roll; suspicious dietary restrictions; wedding charcuterie plate; close your mouth when you chew; takeout bailout ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: While You Were Sleeping echoes vs. A Pacific Northwest boating fatality ... LINK: Egregious home architecture ... You can't do blue material on a billiard table ... Overdetermined: None; getting choked up by a Hallmark movie; everything you've said about love is wrong; "mother-daughter talk"; bizarre giggling, Objectivist scoffing; bad bird sculpture; no explanation to be believed; married today ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A technical success that works anyway ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Pam, a valueless automaton ... Rating: 4.5 ... Almost perfect, apart from the books and the mom ... The Leftovers: Pleasantly reading during TV time ... Are You Afraid of the Badge ... Chilling at home ... Keep Fuckin' That Chicken Files: Faux puns, phone seizure ... "You were with Bryan because you had no reason not to be" ... Be nice, internet people are brutal ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Speaking from the Heart," by Macho Man Randy Savage • The Newlywed Game Theme (1969) • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

063 - The Encyclopedia of Pining Aug 09, 2019

We go back to the CHRISTMAS LAND (2015) and: We will never forget our granddaughters ... You can't go out there and die ... THEME ... Monsoons and painter's scaffolding ... Picking Richard Karn, Maureen McCormick and Christmas tree farms ... Tree farms, Staten Island, egg nog ... Dave's yokel safari ... Jurassic Park ripple ... Luke MacFarland Appreciation Station ... The Mistletoe Promise callback ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot wrap-up ... Cooper, Cobbler, Baker, Apothecary ... Two lawyers, first in class, failed in Contracts ... Implied, oral, incomplete ... Hallmark Goodfellas ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Glinda the Good Grandma vs. Jules herself ... Did you fight in the Scone Wars? ... Check out the barn on that one ... Eat Your Heart Out: Uncle pancakes, just a guy with pancakes, bathrobe-cult culture, actual cocktail, red-wine waterglass, live drillin', Thomas á Becket, cupcake abundance, collapsing roof ... Italian grief food amounts ... Artisanal barn cocktails ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The County of Christmas Land and Free Cities of Potemkin Christmas Villages vs. The greater Chicago/Midwestern Christmas blob ... Our Hallmark book written periodically in Elvish ... Something that sounds like Welsh ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Unacceptable, envisioning The Worst Idea of All Time, thought Shaq would be bigger, The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test ... Hallmark courtroom tactics ... Overdetermined: "I know what you're doing," angelic reaffirmation, Tucker's anti-metropolitan heel turn, exes can share New York, almost everything you need is here ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Heck no, but...; general good-plot and Bechdel correlation even on Hallmark; "fecundity" ... Rating: 3, benignly and maybe ideally ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: The Encyclopedia of Pines ... Christmas Beef Lot: Good selection, unorganized by species or height/price tier, silly prices, insane competition, soak it in ice water ... Frankin' a dook ... "Scrooge" reappearance ... Mitchell: Hallmark dick boyfriend taken to unethical levels ... $850,000 to sell coffee on a single block ... Four retirees, $450,000, and an uncle with 4" of bank-billed Benjamins ... Nikki DeLoach, Erin Grey, Twiki ... Real Season 2 Buck Rogers Hours ... Nikki DeLoach Appreciation Station ... VHS softcore in the mall CD store ... Sam Earvin, Acting on Impulse, and: Linda Fiorentino, Nancy Allen, C. Thomas Howell, Adam Ant, Isaac Hayes, etc. ... Four Cassandra Peterson movies, but only one Elvira ... Santico ... Jamarcus Russell, Charlie Weis, and the 2007 All-State Sugar Bowl ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Then He Kissed Me," by The Crystals • "Tri," by Y Niwl • "Trees," by Joyce Kilmer and Oscar Rosbach, performed by Ben Selvin and his Orchestra • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

062 - The Piglet Level Is Just Rising Jul 24, 2019

SARAH D. BUNTING's back, and we're gonna get in corrals for 2016's LOVE IN PARADISE and: Pomeranian ... THEME ... Unprepared to get worked up about Luke Perry ... The bone-marrow level of Luke Perry pop-culture weight ... Erred on the side of Priestley ... A very generous actor and good dude ... "We shoulda taken him more seriously" ... You can legally punch Brian Austin Greene ... The Luke Perry Kidding-The-Material Rating ... The face does the work ... Two 90210 eras ... I got the job squinting ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Professionalism defined ... Plot mop-up: How is he doing ranch events; exposed by a high-school journalist; Max Headroom, Large Animal Doctor; Michael Moriarty; you gotta keep beefing with Janet Reno; coastal ex ... "This was not bad" ... A rustler named "Guthrie"? ... A qualitative difference in one-off movies ... The Wedding March: Failing to wink at bio material ... Surprisingly tart (Pompeii), surprisingly sexual (barn) ... Exchanging butt glances ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Curly the Pig, Familiar ... Murder by Death callback ... The pig *is* the Pomeranian ... Farmer Lev's Pastoral Hoedown: The binary opposition throughout history; red states, Harlequin, Dreiser and Lewis; Yankee fan in Montana with fake crickets; steak, chili and blueberry pie; "city slicker"; desaturated apartment; unlicensed to drive; comparing scars; Pomeranian pillow ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Sushi and Food Network; pre-cool my steak, thanks; chili cook-off; farties fuel, Nora! ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Wedding March, 1885 vs. Inventory exchange among failing dude ranches ... Overdetermined: Max Headroom's "It's the H-H-Heart" vs. That's not how trails work ... Health food store creepin' ... Crossover: SVU investigating on-set of Aim to Please and the squint-off vs. Home Is Where the H-H-Heart is vs. Max Headroom answering bunnies vs. The Magnificent One vs. Avery Ford, Humane Westworlder ... Again with This note: Working Shadowcaster ... The Grand Unifying Theory of Munch ... BREAK ... Rating: 4.5 ... Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Guthries ... Take Heather's story out of her father's mouth ... Make Heather's ex Guthrie ... The Leftovers: Seeing a man about a TV ... Bundy toilet ... Saying the name of the movie in the movie ... "You wouldn't know him, he's Canadian" ... Young Tom Steyer: I'm Guthrie, and I learned my lesson ... I reversed a crime with the exact skills you taught me! ... Young Luke Perry impressionist ... Buttercup ... Logrolling in our time ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Theme from Beverly Hills 90210," by John Davis • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

061 - Gail Is the Haint Jul 18, 2019

SARA KATE WILKINSON gets sent to CHRISTMAS CAMP (2018) to learn: All these people are dead ... THEME ... Ready for Christmas in July ... Can't find this movie ... Normie Hallmark Facebook ... Inert but fascinating ... A delightful vision of organized cabin fever ... Adults at camp ... Not taking work seriously ... The book isn't better ... BREAK ... Plot in 30 Minutes ... Bobby Campo IRL ... Greg Evigan's daughter ... Krampus as himself ... The most goth Hallmark character to date ... The hard Hallmark script schedule ... Hyperkinetic opening scene, then constant claustrophobia ... Christmas cult brochure ... Booming Ben as Ken Howard ... David Lynch-ass blocking and set decoration ... BREAK ... Plot in 30 Minutes (Cont.) ... Meet Jeff, camp drifter ... The Christmas Camp Checklist/Certificate ... BJGSSHIC ... Ian and Susie, dumb as hell ... Mike Budenholzer and Billy Donovan ... Hainted Gail and Troop Ryan ... Harold Pinter's The Birthday Party ... Brechtian snow ... Charlie Brown-ass tree ... Snowball-target affirmations ... Met at the wharf ... Franchise camp ... First rational Hallmark quit ... Dating app, troop return ... Gail and Ryan are ghosts ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Krampus; Dog possessed by haints?; "Give away products"; John, Blake and Madison, magically non-white, unhelped ... Eat Your Heart Out: All-carb breakfast; turn an oven on; buffalo-wing compromise; no-surprise baby announcement ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Gail downloads Mingle All the Way vs. Watching Chase Taynor choke for Botown ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: No...??? ... Aimless, inconsistent but contextually logical ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Finally, a heroine who gets promoted and returns to the big city; Haley shows no interest in dating; blowing off a coat; she doesn't pursue him; spontaneous desire to be Mom & Dad; bringing ornaments to camp ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... Rating: 2.5 ... Embracing Lynch and Gail as a haint ... Maybe they're all dead ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Your Groupcycle class ... "A go-getter" ... Stevie Nicks Camp ... The Rebranding of the Puffin Hotel ... Pipe burst? Take your time ... Side entrance, fake entrance, deformed house, and a demon greeting elf ... Do you wanna go inside? ... Never forget WHAT, Jeb? ... Naval captain wine glasses ... Validating yourself too much through work ... Yeeaaahhhh, buuuuuddy ... Telling my boss my boss is killing me ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Laura Palmer's Theme," by Angelo Badalamenti • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

060 - Horse Whisperer Has Come Unstuck in Time Jul 12, 2019

We're horsing around for eternity with VALENTINE EVER AFTER (2016) and doing unpaid labor on: A dude ranch ... THEME ... Knee calipers ... Going in optimistic ... Eric Johnson Appreciation Station ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up: Rock-mount failure; dude ranch; hospital raffle ... Alana Smithee, or Alana Smithee? ... Heavy tropery and peak overdeterminism ... BREAK ... Journalismism: One perfect catastrophe of news layout; Hyphen Stanheight; Hello, mako; Rahm Emanuel ... Fleeing Chad ... Spot the Angel: Probably angel-free vs. a very Twin Peaks judge ... Funding MRAPs through the recession ... Lindsay Anderson's "Mission to Christmas" ... Nigel Bennett's IMDB ... Casual slave labor ... Razzing a Hallmark cop ... Fogel, Engerman and Hallmark cliometrics ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Beef stew, Cowboy Bar and Cadillac Restaurant; carb-dating Hallmark movies ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Please remind us to bring back old bits; Chicago, The Radcliffe Center and your donor base; build the Hallmark wiki; Kitten's billion-dollar fund; James Brolin's ranch ... Paul Auster's New York Trilogy ... Jerry Lewis's Clown Holocaust ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Dad's immediate, relentless info-dump; the character-development efficiencies of early exposition vs. PEAK info-dump, plot recap and foreshadowing vs. Incredibly overdetermined Colbie Caillat ... Rapping end-credit plot summaries ... Puff Daddy, KRS-One and Bobby Brown ... iZombie whips ... BREAK ... Crossover: Gavin Learning about himself in David Mamet's The Edge vs. "Ben Thomas has come unstuck in The Horse Whisperer" ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Easily succeeds but maybe totally doesn't ... Partner Chat: Kate face-pulling; carb-free biscuits ... Rating: 4 ... Structurally bad but nimbly leaning into it ... "Metropolitan" ladies ... Outstanding leads ... Mom Lily as shrewd, tough, wise and worthy of embodying a compliment ... Gavin Stanheight's legitimate anger/heartache ... Awful, last-minute quit ... Organic trauma-swap ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: The Girlfriend Experience ... Population density of Wyoming ... Hallmark's The Terror ... Cemetery Man callback ... Edgar Allan Poe-ass statue ... City Girl can sometimes ride ... Don McBrearty: "Gay or Straight, Is There A Choice?" ... Look how cute this horse is ... Turning off my ringer ... First-ever Hallmark c*ckblock ... Police escort for landowners ... Child interruption ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Generique Assault," by KRS-One • "On Our Own," by Bobby Brown • • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

059 - Quantum Leading to Robert McNamara Jul 03, 2019

We will drop THE LAST BRIDESMAID (2019) until: A question mark leads to an exclamation point ... THEME ... The bipartisanship ceremony ... Better than the new churn ... The busier oeuvre of Nina Weinman ... Hallmark realism as foreign policy ... Kissinger, Scowcroft, Armitage, Oh my! ... George Mitchell's pipe ... Cast rundown ... Matt Harvey actor ... The Expositional Challenge ... The Magic Mountain ... The Sutton Foster of the Hallmark universe ... Tell your auteurs no sometime ... Jeb's preschool hunt ... Stop whining about your prosperity ... Laying people off without a Gary ... Moh's Hardness Scale ... Plot wrap-up ... Movies on aircraft carriers ... Five months together ... Amazing natural blocking ... Nimitz 1-4 ... Roland Emmerich quit ... Having an adult conversation ... Welcome back to blimp chat ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Dual angels, but Kyle can code ... Eat Your Heart Out: Little food; catching Becca eating; normal salad; expensive but authentically annoying wedding; Shame the Cat! ... Pros in the Olympics ... Venus de Milo discount ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Wedding March's Tombstone wedding town; Ike Clanton's defense of marriage; Paul Campbell, the sexless Quantum Lead ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: The joy-or-insurance binary vs. The Herr Settembrini and Herr Naphta dialogues ... Bong hit with your first Libertarian ... BREAK ... Crossover: The Errol Morris Interrotron Wedding Interview ... Robert Strange McNamara vs. Eric R.'s Last Samurai or the Last Starfighter ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... Letters to Santa: Impostor Syndrome vs. Beth's kind letter and kidney theft and husband's NCAA pool ... Partner Chat: "We're supposed to be on her side?"; quits, archetypes and inclement weather ... Driving with Jeb's great-uncle George and the emergency break on ... Herb Caen ain't worth it ... Rating: 3 ... Visually good, not busy, not a lobby ... Retro Banana Republic ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Enjoy your one day, dress ... Too hippy? Try the crinoline ... Above-average bridesmaids dresses and jewelry ... Dolores Herbig ... Bryan Fuller: No emergency break ... Remember how your mom is dead? Time to be happy ... Bereavement-card emotional product placement ... Swallow your own poison ... Mark Jean and six episodes of Police Academy: The Series ... Le Loup-Garou du Campus ... Dead air ... Selling insurance to a grinding noise ... Rachel Boston Appreciation Station: Better barbed than beatific ... Show feet, Hallmark ... Shrimping ... BREAK ... Warner Brothers DSC street-sweepers ... The Greatest Generation ... Paul Campbell's gently silly IMDB autobiography ... A dead era of online personal sincerity ... Look dad, might feel cute later ... Narendra Modi ... Pre-kiss vow exchange ... Marrying into a cult ... I'm so your wife right now ... From Hero Dogs to Union Carbide ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "100,000 People," by Philip Glass • "Quantum Leap Theme," by Mike Post • "Magic Mountain," by Blonde Redhead • "Jungle Work," by Warren Zevon • "El Bimbo," by Bimbo Jet, from the Police Academy Soundtrack, composed by Robert Folk • "67 Cities," by Philip Glass • "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

058 - Royal Rumspringa in the Denver of the Soul Jun 27, 2019

We watch A WINTER PRINCESS (2019) and confess: I went to a Mets game, and this movie made me come down with something ... THEME ... Happy Father's Dave! ... Preemptively apologizing ... Summer power outage ... The Expositional Challenge ... Dee's Nuts ... Zealous pro-family convert ... A double-guitar tuned to John Gielgud ... Happy Hour ... Ontario's #1 Michael York ... BREAK ... Echoes of "The Sweetest Christmas" ... A latticework pie-crust plot ... The Princess-to-Mom Party-Planner Axis ... Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson's birthday party ... Brendon Zub Appreciation Station ... Spot the Angel: A relay race of angels ... Romantic après-ski Dave and Busters ... Eat Your Heart Out: Nashville hot chicken; mostly food-free; jump-scare cookie; Snowden Peak Yogurt ... No, Donnie, these are event planners ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Katrina Bowden accidentally breaking a royal story vs. Denver Medley or Balkan PUA Prince ... Happy Birthday Sara Kate! ... We all know janissaries ... Overdetermined: "What is overdetermined?" vs. "The Emile Arc" ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Introducing the concept of work exhaustion and alienation ... This miserable lady gets it ... BREAK ... Partner Chat: Early negativity on Natalie Hall; "circle back"; peekin' rolls; begrudging for; toe-parries ... LINK TO GOFUNDME FOR SIMON MALOY ... DAJAM: The only podcast AND inhalant available ... Rating: 2 ... Is she aware she's being filmed? ... The Leftovers: Not romantic fog, dangerous fog ... Jesse tries to suicide-by-car ... Building darted out in front of me ... Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in ... Is Chris McNally a good actor? ... Rick Ankiel ... BREAK ... IMDB dive ... Mystery Seizures and Sex Sent Me to the ER ... Autopsy ... Three kiss fakeouts ... Put it in your mouth or let him have it ... "Please wear the goggles" ... Decontextualized snowball fight ... Mackenzie Gray's incredible IMDB ... Christopher Lloyd ... Metallica videos ... Talkin' 'bout chemtrails ... No band help ... Is this a long story? ... Iron sharpens iron ... Merry Christmas • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Mucha Muchacha," by Esquivel • "Punch Drunk," by Lock Up • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

057 - Wetwork for the America Pageant Jun 12, 2019

Sara Rue makes the leap and joins the pantheon in ALL FOR LOVE (2017) and we must get buff for: The further vindication of Sara Kate Wilkinson ... THEME ... Semper Christmas ... Lorenzo Lamas is Snake Eater 2 ... Journalism isn't a prank call ... Getting fired ... Real troop tropes ... Will Sara Rue make The Leap into the Pantheon? ... Funny people in Hallmark humanely kidding the text ... The acting strictures of Hallmark rules ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: The Most Beautiful Bean Footage ... Plot cleanup ... Sara Rue's second Hallmark quit ... Too slow on the five ... Pickup artist Chris Russo ... Mystery Francesa ... Spot the Angel: Teryl Rothery, editor publisher, matchmaker, secular angel ... Rothery as a condition ... Method writing ... The harrowing act of fact-checking ... Journalismism: No fact-checkers even for non-fiction; missing having editors; the shame of error; editorial motivation via appeal-to-emotion; Denim Dreams, The Fathom of a Heart; "writers have a whole team"; Lowell Bingely of the Manhattan Monitor; Glenn Greenwald, L. Brent Bozell III and the guy from First Things; a fully realized mad world ... BREAK ... Let Every Muscle in Your Body Get Strong: Was this authentic SEAL training?; lorem ipsum troop reverence next to a summer camp obstacle course; public park exercises; sorry-ass sit-ups; magenta top, bunny earmuffs; improper sore-muscle care; the Canadian vision of the US military; Tiny could blog; Yoda breathing; smell the Philadelphia daisy; yoga ignorance; the second woman in a bathing suit and man without a shirt; permanent 1990/childish cultural signifiers; flawless sore form, imbalanced SEAL ... Eat Your Heart Out: Housing an entire pizza; the debut of quasi-ramen; the Meat Lovers glisten; concentrating on high-lipid effluent; Steve Bacic's tremendous "have another slice" dad power ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Mistletoe Inn Workshop vs. The Tri-State Area Party Shopping Spree and networking ... Putting Sara Rue in floral prints ... Overdetermined: I'd rather be celibate than try again; we don't mention Todd; the Eternal Todd; couples field trip to The Todd; line-crossing meta-conversation; always knowing more than the leads ... Crossover: Colin in a post-9/11 fascist killfest; in the unit with Chris Kyle; not-remembering Navy Seals; positive Kevin Smith reference; heroic prisoner-stabbers ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Learning to ride a bike for love v. Carley's chocolate-sound correction, watch-along recommendation and a question about brain mush ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A reluctant no, and a main character unconcerned about the outside world ... Nephew volcano expert and Murder He Wrote ... Maine accents ... Partner Chat: She's one of the "scared of everything" ones ... Rating: 2.5 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Sara Kate's 9/11 theory, now and forever ... Kenyan Pirates vs. The Global Helpers ... Navy SEALS are not your props ... No GWOT, Hallmark's "The End of History" ... Not enough angry cops ... Chocolate reward ... Fearing international travel in the Tri-State Area ... Teen body paranoia in the pool ... Romance novelists know breasts ... Halls of Macadamia ... Thank you, Tiny ... David Bloom, Okja co-star ... Ten feet of silent valet parking ... Semper Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "The A-Team Theme," by Mike Post and Pete Carpenter • "Moon River," by Andy Williams • "Yes Sir, No Sir," by The Kinks • "Greetings (This Is Uncle Sam)," by The Monitors • "Fanfare for the Common Man," by Emerson, Lake and Palmer • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

056 - The Scarborough, Ontario Wild Drumettes Jun 05, 2019

It's three yards and a cloud of pixie dust with LOVE ON THE SIDELINES (2016) and: Dr. Moreau wasn't wrong about the climate ... THEME ... The lines are open ... Hunter St. James ... Football or graftass ... One of the good ones! ... Joe Theismann picks interesting Hallmark movies ... Snowcoming nostalgia ... The Cremation of the Care ... Any Given Regretful Sunday ... Al Pacino reverie ... Hallmark Sports Channel ... JD and the Straight Shot ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup: Ava and the backup; poor and hungry; incompetent Mustang owner; scant Theismann ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Patty, Supernatural Roommate ... The manifesto that proves the rule ... On to Cleveland ... Jeb's 19th century lawncare machines ... Eat Your Heart Out: Totino's Pizza Rolls promo; into you, Moby; Emily Kinney, spritely and elfin; a B-Dubs STACK of bread; Krishna dinner; 5 slices, 4 sliders and piles of Fritos; ecstasy of starch; clearly BBQ wings; We. Stan. Buffalo; the wattle must grow; scything a Showtime guy; pot of homemade chili; elegy for the Lost Kangaroo; bar hot dogs for dinner; "that's all casing"; the NFL diet of guacamole and cookies ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Crossover sports universe of the San Francisco Miners and Bookstore Boss Goes Bonkers; San Francisco, less beautiful than St. Petersburg; Full House; Kelly Rutherford and McKenzie Vega stuck in traffic returning to McBanjo; Kezar Stadium ... Overdetermined: The Danny/Ron/Ava Dumb Misunderstanding vs. Football-Metaphor Roasts and Joe Theismann's Eponymous Line ... Jared Lorenzen shout-out ... BREAK ... Crossover: A celebration of Any Given Sunday; Pacino in the Hallmark universe; The staggering aftermath of Last Boy Scouting it ... Billy Blanks, thanks for joining the Patreon; get my ass swole ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: No, ass-backwards gender politics, but it still works? ... Jeb's Mom, Oakland Raiders season ticket holder ... An infinite number of peaceably coexisting dirtbag communities: The America we want to live in ... Partner Chat: Danny is a pud; otherwise enjoyable; Conviction-era Emily Kinney fan ... Rating: 3.5; perfect execution of Hallmark middle-tier ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Danny Holland career comps: better than Tom Brady's first 7 seasons ... Arena-league player scale ... You named your dog after Newt Gingrich ... Fantastic Dane ... Theismann's method approach to lower-body injury ... Theismann to DeLuise: Touchdown! ... "Hey, you DO know something about football" ... Background football 24/7 ... (Brief) Hayley Sales Appreciation Station ... 16 episodes of Crown Bench ... Kevin Tighe Emergency! ... Ron Silver tendrils ... Idiot Elliot's patriarchal privilege ... Ocean's 12 with a 30lb. bag of dog food ... Terry Ingram and Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle ... Mike Kafka Appreciation Station ... Losing a roommate, gaining dental care ... MVP: Emily Kinney ... Dave's lustrous coat ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Not As Much As Football," by Mojo Nixon • "All Kinds of Time," by Fountains of Wayne • "Thé à la Menthe (Instrumental)," by La Caution • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Orchestral Sports Theme (Lighter)," by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

055 - The USS Walter Mondale Love Cruise May 29, 2019

We sail away from SAILING INTO LOVE (2019) and: "I think it's great" ... THEME ... Seattle Pilots ... Dickie Thon (redux) ... Dave Lopes, Grant Balfour ... Swaddled in torpor ... Four Weddings and a Funeral, on paper ... Plot with no wake ... Instant bread podcast ... The Expositional Challenge ... I got nothin' ... Plot mop-up and island love ... Boy falls in water ... Welcome back to Costner Chat ... BREAK ... Still so featureless ... Spot the Angel: Nobody ... Like a table read ... Fiona Vroom: The Dean Acheson of the Hallmark family of brands ... Eat Your Heart Out: Minimalist dining; Kate-upsetting chowder; Hallmark in Maine; suspiciously beige; penne and Aussie wine; Last Ship nostalgia; family-annihilating unkillable Master Chief ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Gus Van Houten's Resort Paradise vs. Lucky In Love and Northern Lights of Christmas ... Overdetermined: Nothing, but also Tom quitting over a street conversation ... Crossover: Into the Blue, Striking Distance and Grey's Anatomy ... Only the driest and most odorless sex ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Transcontinental best-friendship ... The Build-a-Buré Workshop: Christmas in July, zero research on Australia, Bryan Brown, Midnight Oil, Luke Prokopec, Natalia Imbruglia and AC/DC ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: No ... Partner Chat: Appropriately medicating ... Rating: 1 (soporifically) ... Leah Renee, underserved ... Leah Renee's earlier music career ... Busytown Mysteries ... Dave's Willow Bay nostalgia ... Garry Garneau, Aaron Rodgers, Colin Jost and Peyton Manning ... What about my snacks??? ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Insanity," by Leah Renee • "iBF (Imaginary Boyfriend)," by Leah Renee • "Break the Ice," by John Farnham • "Orinoco Flow," by Enya • "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, with Rick Murnane

054 - Raspberry Glazed Milk Pig May 20, 2019

Ah, Paris, and SUMMER VILLA (2016), and time to ask: How's the writing going? ... THEME ... Who's a medical model, by the way ... Expecting swill, getting a delightful soufflé ... Moments of silence ... The Expositional Challenge ... He's a thicc lad ... Plot wrap-up ... Jean-Luc and The Butcher ... Bill DeBlasio, Child of the Corn ... The Democratic Candidate Night Club ... Beto's eternal relaunch ... It worked! ... Hilarie Burton is bae ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No ... Wallace Shawn, Bruce Vilanch ... Eat Your Heart Out: Raspberry glaze; hotel-restaurant presentation; pine-nut baguette sandwich; "swordfish is butt, to me"; anodized pans; Hallmark-ass food fight; turned by the sandwich; raw egg slide, wrecked kitchen; milk pig ... BREAK ... Deproblematizing the discourse ... Oafish but not malicious ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Quebec, not Provence; Carrie Bradshaw; writer in-house in a Hallmark writer's workshop; Corbin Bernsen with a Bluetooth ... Overdetermined: No Hallmark-grade contrivances; music at all NY events; I'm shopping here music; especially nasty blind date; classic ad hom; the Za Za Zu; immediate apology; is Matthew Everston a men's-rights activist; Gord Willis, the Canadian Prince of Darkness; the lovely and quiet hot chocolate scene ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: It basically qualifies but nah; Abby as a non-adolescent teen; your passion never goes away ... Partner Chat: Why can't the 15-year-old have wine?; Mormons, marshmallows, bowls; The Vice of the Most Wholesome; nasty marshmallows and Doctor Chocolate; mug of sex juice; isn't he sort of a jerk?; Pinterest chalkboard; fake muntins; awful front-door package ... "McMansion Hell" Kate Wagner Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Emorphia Margaritis and Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... Not enough credits, great-as-heck name ... Movie Rating: 4 ... Hearts of Spring callback ... Only a one-gear plot with some clunky early aggressiveness ... Letters to Santa: Nicest feedback ever; vomiting in 2012's Love at the Thanksgiving Day Parade; what's the vomit like; something happened to Hallmark movies; the 11th 9/11 anniversary; "Heart of Glass"; Case Keenum; Christmas at Old Town Road; 7th grade forever ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Hilarie Burton voice-acting goofiness in a tearful, normal phone call ... A smart person who's sad ... Carrie Lee Wilson and Emi Mochizuki Appreciation Station ... Iron Chef? ... Peter Piper's Pickled Professional Portfolio ... Learning to ride a bike! ... DeBlasio callback ... We're just asking bike questions ... Sword swallowing ... Jean-Luc: Decent, observant, needlessly owned ... Male capri pants ... THE Joan Wilder? ... Clamdiggers ... The Armond White of food critics ... Norbit ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "New French Girlfriend," by The Auteurs • "Demain Tu Peux Changer," by Dusty Springfield • "Val Venis Theme," by Jim Johnston • "Baby Love," by Annie Philippe • "C'est Ma Chanson," by Petula Clark • "Où Est Ma Tête," by Pink Martini • "Marie Douceur, Marie Colère," by Marie Laforêt • "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, with Rick Murnane

053 - America's Most Floridian Hallmark Podcast May 08, 2019

It's podcast time, when TRUE LOVE BLOOMS (2019), and: We're resolving tension ... Baby arms ... So overdetermined it might be ironic ... Old Tampa actors ... THEME ... A Tampa Bay Hallmark movie! ... Authentic St. Petersburg ... You! The Tampa Kid! ... St. Pete skyline ... America's Most Floridian Hallmark Podcast ... BJ's Holocaust museum ... We liked it! ... Sara Rue Appreciation Station ... Jordan Bridges: Thicc Novak ... Fewer indoor cats, more unstoppable female force ... Matthew Diamond's great operas ... Jane the Virgin ... Our excellent regional opera ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Ace to see you ... Hallmark quitting over a minimalist designer ... Boyle v. Hewitt and Peppers v. Tomato ... Wrap it up ... Floral-print clothing signifiers ... Spot the Angel: Goose egg ... The Trauma Swap ... Eat Your Heart Out: This lasagne is just some stuff; carrot cake; normal coffee; thankless minority best friend in a Friday's; proportional pasta; questionably toasted peppers ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Abortive start; transcontinental tulips; talking yourself into golden beets; ramp reprise; Ice-T being a dick ... Crossover: John Sayles's Community Garden; problematizing and unpacking; "Chace Devine"; Lethal Weapon 3 as the bridge; Lethal Weapon 2, race, class and gender dynamics ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Insane opening expository intensity vs. a troika of quotes ... Condos, buildings, your dead mother ... Home & hearth scantron ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Vikki is THE force ... Letters to Santa: Well-wishes; favorite music cue; NPR; Chris Collingwood Appreciation Station; what goes where? ... Slip-sliding away ... Rating: 4 ... Always making choices ... Sara Rue can slice you in half with a broadsword ... A one-act movie ... Chace Devine's moment of insight ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Buildings have concrete in them ... Hawaii sounds like Florida ... Dogma 95 ... The Lumineers ... A St. Pete community leader would know every developer, who wouldn't care ... St. Pete's homeless problem ... Pinellas County's Purity of Essence ... Where's Rick Kriseman? ... BREAK ... The Ladybug Release, a True Event ... Denis Leary's Merry F*ckin' Christmas ... Exorcist III Appreciation Station ... Jeb heroically restrains himself from mentioning that William Peter Blatty wrote A Shot in the Dark again ... Very lazy sneak-in ... Captain Morgan needs a bigger shirt ... Mark (and this movie) loves job-creators ... Gardens don't bring in the green ... Thomas Cromwell's padlock ... The Spirit of the Universe vs. The Green Boys and Company ... Michigan ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "She Wandered Through the Garden Fence," by Procol Harum • "Ramp! (The Logical Song)," by Scooter • "My Secret Garden," by Depeche Mode • "Mind Gardens," by The Byrds • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

052 - Dr. Chocolate's Great Metamorphosis May 01, 2019

It's undercover boss time with EASTER UNDER WRAPS (2019) and: A special message from the dead ... "You have 8 vitamins" ... Ramps! ... Crass lead-in ... CREDITS ... Food based and not good ... Like eating a brick of cream cheese ... Good Capitalists > Bad Capitalists ... A fairy tale of business-shaming ... A framed photo of the undercover boss in HR's office ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup ... Spot the Angel: Twinkly black couple fakeout ... *Bane voice* Chocolate bunny ... Eat Your Heart Out: Iffy-looking chocolate; the Cavendish Egg; butterfly surprise; Wedgewood-ass chocolate; large feeding-frenzy-sized egg; sidewalk cheese; 52 eggs; things that do not go with chocolate; a Klosterman of contradictions; reference new foods, default to comfort foods; Dave singing ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Back to Seattle; Jason Giambi; Mira's swank apartment in Lucky in Love; you killed one Gubelmann by looking at it; Hallmark's Wicker Man and Mulholland Drive update ... Overdetermined: The Delicate Sound of Chocolate vs. Sensuality and Experiences over Feelings ... Ghost, with snakes ... Zen and the Hallmark Cohens ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Solid yes, no friends ... The invention of business lying ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 3 (average) ... Hippity-Hop Fizz ... Rating: 2 ... Talk about your process ... Extremely representative Hallmark fare ... Brendan Penny, ESPN ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Bupkes! ... The Leftovers: Foster Cavendish, German immigrant ... Erin or Erika ... Cavendish Chocolate and Topps cards ... Chaz and Trent for Chocmate and Untuckit ... Witness to a Great Becoming ... Midafternoon bedtime ... Lucy and Ethel chocolate clumsiness ... Early antagonism quit ... WKL News ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Ramp! (The Logical Song)" by Scooter • "Chocolate City," by Parliament • "Chocolate Sundae" by Stan Getz and Oscar Peterson • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

051 - A TV Edit of Glengarry Glen Ross Apr 16, 2019

It's time to FLIP THAT ROMANCE (2019) and reveal: This movie was bad ... Whose fault is it? ... Like a fountain-drink suicide of Hallmark going wrong ... Expanding the Hallmark topic zone ... Jeb, pain management and HGTV ... Tyler James Tyler LOVED the flips in this movie ... Welcome to Casa Leone ... Apartment dwellers and home builders agree: This is a valueless story conceit ... Heroically making human needs more expensive ... A house flipper vs. the concept of house flipping ... "Little Boxes" flipping renovation ... My Bad Flip: leaching all humanity from this concept ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Nice ... The one (and one and one) weird thing about this movie ... Costco Depot ... A whole town of bad romance and renovation stans ... Favor? This is your JOB ... Rich people jonesing for this next score to get well ... Chandler, Ross, Indy ... Leni Riefenstahl's Christmas Village ... Charlie Sheen smug vibe ... Thawed-out romance, with trolling ... Everything that flatlines might converge ... BREAK ... Substack Blog Plug ... Beaten by alumni ... Spot the Angel: A whole town! ... Drag This House: Home design center "class" options; contractor spec house picks; the Katherine Heigl kitchen; House Beautiful; debased design language; more humid than humid; conceptually beige and easy to sell; wet-paint color decisions ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: In the Heart of Hearts of Spring ... Eat Your Heart Out: The Hallmark debut of rosé; buttchugging; this is how old you are now; excruciating lasagna scene; shut up and eat; just so rude ... Overdetermined: Flower arrangement ... Rating: 1 ... Mateen Cleaves Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: "Epic fail" and "hangry," welcome to the canon ... First-opportunity kiss ... Positive gaysian character ... Character actor with a good IMDB page ... "Have a healthy breakfast" music ... Overbidding by $18,000 like a moron ... Time-bending countertops ... "There are opportunities here" ... Inspirational five-foot rose mural ... I thought we were going to hit it out of the park with this flip ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Cantaloop" by US3 • "More Human Than Human," by White Zombie • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

050 - Is This Going to Lead to McBanjo? Apr 01, 2019

It's time for 2018's LOVE, OF COURSE, the harvest festival and: All right, Tumbleweed, let's row ... Your call to the Winklevosses is important ... THEME ... Good evening ... Dave's not pulling his weight ... Laughing out loud at "Love, Of Course" ... Golf movie? ... Love, Tautologically ... The Jim Furyk-Hale Irwin Axis ... Good! Mostly nothing, badly paced ... Kelly Rutherford and Cameron Mathison Appreciation Station ... Less densely plotted than Ski School ... BREAK ... Plot in 15 Minutes Max: Ex-accountant, Lion of the PTA ... Gossip Girl swag standards ... Internet of Things kitchen ... Farm-to-A&M ... Mathison Poppin' ... Moms not hitting the release button ... Buff, friend-adjacent professor ... Canadian science-fiction reference ... Graciously Gossip Girling ... Noah, from the School of Harvest Studies ... Consenting to a harvest festival and romance ... Rutherford and Mathison are too good for the fakeouts ... Kissing, then sharing blood type ... Avoiding the conversation and conclusion for a passive quit ... Too adultly acted to be this childish ... Was our frustration intentional? ... Phoef Sutton shout-out ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Zero, but with child and black-friend fakeouts ... US Olympian, America's Sweetheart, Gabby Douglas and missed Gymkatas ... Rotary texting ... Orchard largesse ... Eat Your Heart Out: Classic pumpkin-zucchini muffins; muffin batter; pumpkin bowling; bread bowl; two bar visits; Untouchables; apple cider, pear cider; Hallmark doesn't believe that salad exists; alienatingly normal plate of penne and garlic bread; unappetizing/pornographic farmer's market fare ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: All Things Valentine romance hatred, Bookstore Boss Goes Bonkers! tabloid reportage romance hatred and the Hearts of Spring universe ... Bromides in the air ... The Balkan connections to the Hallmark universe ... Overdetermined: Lonnnnnng clip; Marco Polo; incredible root metaphor; friend advice, homemade soup; thoughtful enough overdetermination ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, matching sheets, Mr. Huggsy ... Letters to Santa plug ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Effective daughtering ... The Quotable Gus Van Houten ... Makenzie Vega Appreciation Station ... Competent movie reference ... Missed Kiss #1 and physical space ... Normal-movie direction ... McBanjo ... Chloe Caroline ... Pumpkin waste ... Rating: 3 ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

049 - The Do-Over Festival Mar 17, 2019

We regret with 2019's SNOWCOMING and: SnowComing explanation ... The second-chance high school dance ... Wistful, near The Running Man ... Hey, I'm trying to finger somebody! ... THEME ... Jane Wiedlin Thrashing on a BMX ... Letter from Santa: "Joe Theismann is in it" ... Larry Csonka ... Back-to-back Heisman Trophy runners-up ... Alicia Witt's Heisman ceremony ... Ed Marinaro and Jim Plunkett shout-outs ... Dave didn't dislike it ... ART THOU BOTOWN reprise ... The Expositional Challenge: 97 seconds ... Life just happens at Samantha ... How old are these people? ... Who are Jake Gillette's quarterback comps? ... Jake the Snake ... Jay Cutler as any Hallmark leading man ... No smoking in Hallmark ... Extremely short football toss ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Coach Kerrigan, surrogate dad? ... Ed Marinaro as Joey Buttafuoco ... Old Comedy Central ads ... Eat Your Heart Out: Jake, cookbook reader; more appetizing than most Hallmark food; disarmingly untouched salad; "Bonkers for Brussels Sprouts!"; a non-compelling arc; a citywide celebration of ambivalence; uncomfortable Joe Paterno resemblance; Peter DeLuise joint; soup as a metaphor; big-boil soup; food literate; tasting duo for Padma Lakshmi; the realest sh*t that's been in a Hallmark movie ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Wistful Literate Mountain Sports Town, Colorado, and The Eric Mabius's Ass Universe vs. Hallmark Pan-Sports "Field of Dreams" Field for Emotional Orphans and Chris Klein's "A Haunting of Dads" ... Overdetermined: Waiting for SnowComing vs. I Will Exploit Your Agony ... Main character as fifth-act villain ... BREAK ... Crossover: Hallmark Channel's The Wicker Man vs. Jerry Maguire with Concussions ... Peter King's cap implications for Jake Gillette ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes ... NPR pledge drive ... The Leftovers: New football coach, P.E. coach and health teacher, with zero experience ... Principal Case Keenum and Superintendent Jay Schroeder ... "I got a degree" ... Theismann fourth-wall callback ... Joe Theismann Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Scarf-spendthrift ... Unsecured campus ... "The snow at the game is clearly fake" ... Whistler, reprise ... Sage Abernathy: "F*ck to Pride and Prejudice!" ... Sage Rosenfels ... "As to a lover... Coach" ... Replace the mom ... Wordless pendant application ... Incredibly normal almost-kisses ... Treehouse exit ... Outdoor fire pit ... "I feel so savory" ... RATING: 2.5 ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "The Buttafuoco Song," by Marvin Rosenberg • "Hill Street Blues Theme" by Mike Post • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

048 - Pride Goeth Before a Foal Mar 05, 2019

SARA KATE WILKINSON returns for 2018's ROYAL HEARTS and: THEME ... Belinda's Garage ... Neti pot in The Expanse ... Sara Kate explains why she's angry she picked this movie ... Say "regency" one more damn time ... James Brolin's lethargic Sam Elliottness ... Where are the royal clothes? ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Sara Kate's Downfall ... A foreigner telling you you're rich ... Zero genealogy knowledge ... Parliamentary Privy Council ... Screw our national sovereignty ... Small kingdoms, hidden economies ... Authentically sassy waitress ... Grimsby: Snotty Disney Bear ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Legends of the Foal ... Eat Your Heart Out: Where's the princess sh*t; escargots; flat champagne; grilling is not BBQ; "country AND eastern"; trout for dinner ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Make-A-Wish trip for the lingering illnesses ... Overdetermined: Backs literally turned to family, King Nicholas's full quaffing evil, great traffic for the king, the Royal Decals, Nicholas' forced father-confronting evil ... Princess Kelly, premiere oaf ... Alex's denim and Robin Hood outfits ... Shooting the king's shaft ... Khakis for the Privy Council ... Alex's soft, unintimidating flirting ... Crossover: Transylvania 6-5000 ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: No, but grading on a scale it's really still no; oblivious to date ignoring her; read ANY other Regency novels ... Letters to Santa pitch ... The Leftovers: King Hank's folksy aphorism monster-cut ... Motion to dissolve the monarchy carried ... Faling off a ladder in a crouch ... She should be in the library! ... King Nicholas' incompetent lying ... Voiceover ending ... Rating: 2 ... Everyone feel better! ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • Rodeo, by Aaron Copeland • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

047 - Ho, Ho, Ho...I've Got Pumps Now Feb 23, 2019

ANDY LEVY returns for 2018's A SHOE ADDICT'S CHRISTMAS and: Letting go of Frasier ... Bad movie choice ... Donnie, Andy Richter, Otho ... The Candace Cameron effect ... Not a real shoe addict ... Jean Smart co-stars as Jeb's mother-in-law ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... WWII-era American ethnic slurs ... Plot cleanup: Jake and Noelle's stymied fun party ... Photographer, HR Director ... Hallmark's job/hobby false dichotomy ... Save me from complete prosperity ... Murder your balls/sweetie, show feetie ... Jean Smart, peak literal angel ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Sneaky multiple angels, angel relief, angel hierarchy ... Classic Lines: Rude-ass shoes; the worst shoe-toilet in Scotland; $690 for white-tiger-ass shoes; Candace Cameron looks terrific; "keep it fun"; about $900/outfit; CandyCams-brand apron product placement ... Do We Have A Section On Theology?: Inconsistent angelic rules; if you ask an angel if he's an angel, he has to say yeah; The Archangel Dark Web ... Unintentional horror movie ... Darren Aronofsky's "Shoe Addict's Christmas!" ... Charlie/Charlene ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Breakfast breads; mustard on the meat; the world's saddest sandwich; meat dilation; a successful chain of hot dog stands; Humphrey Yogurt ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Wallace Shawn and Jean Smart, workplace buds vs. Candace Cameron as her own aunt via time comet ... Letters to Santa: The prop coin of Wallace Shawn from Episode #04 ... Overdetermined: "Every pair of shoes tells a story" vs. "You have to make decisions, but here's your determined fate" vs. "Pretty people are owed happiness" and "Take a risk by being a dick" ... Kidnap a guy ... Crossover: Mulholland Drive vs. Kickboxing Night at the Museum ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: No; but maybe talking to her dad; but DON'T BUY divine intervention ... The Leftovers: Firefighter weather control ... Vanishing taxis ... Heilmark or Reichsmark ... Luke Macfarlane's Tom Brady vibe ... Apartment dad jokes ... Two layers on in a two-horse open sleigh ... Most Inspiring Photo contest ... Lorem Ipsum songs ... Batman Returns ... Matt & Chloe app ... Spot the Second Black Person ... Ex-boyfriend Dan Bongino ... Rating: 2 ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Good Ol' Shoe" by Edgar Winter • "Boogie Shoes," by KC and the Sunshine Band • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

046 - Jack Wagner's Ring Cycle: Siegfried Feb 14, 2019

TARA ARIANO and SARAH D. BUNTING of the EXTRA HOT GREAT podcast return for 2018's THE WEDDING MARCH 3: HERE COMES THE BRIDE and: This beautiful gazebo ...THEME ... Christmas memories ... Gotti ... A soothing movie ... Weather and kiss failure ... Grownup conversations ... WHEN ARE THEY GETTING MARRIED??? ... Second-sequel energy ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Empty on Valentine's ... Spot the Angel: Duke reprise, Olivia's bullying mom, Johnny ... Duke on Stargate ... Duke's Lair, without comfort or sustenance ... Classic Lines: Stripper heels, no ass, manky wig, Julie's swimsuit modeling, a fashion designer in London, Nora and Olivia's identical fashion, Marvin Berry's blue suit, black bridesmaids' dresses, trying on the bride's dress, a chain store where royalty shops ... BREAK ... Mick's Music Update: Fake keyboard playing; not enough Wagner numbers; awful mixing, room tone and ADR; last-minute booking; repeated "surprise" takes; ducks callback ... Eat Your Heart Out: Frumpy midwestern food; clearing out the farmer's market; Julie's BS chef dreams; take a job anywhere; onions are really important; Julie smiling, wincing and leering; breaded loaves and gray meated loaves; have a breakup sandwich ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Mick and Lori Loughlin share a sister, Duke may be Wallace Shawn, and Nora and Johnny shop at Garbage Store Mysteries ... Overdetermined: Men and women aren't the same (with shooting stars and Rockford music) vs. "early spring" themes vs. Francesca ... Crossover: Jack Wagner's The Sopranos vs. Julie's LA gap year vs. Swing revival bankruptcy ... Build-a-Buré Workshop: "Bastille Day" vs. "I Dos Svidaniya" vs. Olivia's Daughter's 30-year cold-feet wedding or Trent Brushwood meets Duke and the Penelope Device ... Penelope, the Alexa baby monitor that owns you ... "Play something fun to dance to" ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechtel Test: Yes, but applying the test here is flawed ... The Leftovers: Zero-employee cleanup ... Julie stealing Duke's job ... Bonnie's childhood dream wedding ... "It's Bonnie! Your sister!" ... Wyatt died vs. the Wyatt budget ... #MeToo'd Wyatt ... "I'll be on the edge of the property" ... Non-white speaking actor! ... Grow a beard, Wagner ... Confinscated for the nuptials ... Julie's post-teen relationship advice ... Rating: 3 ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "You and Me" by Jack Wagner • "Common Man," by Jack Wagner • "Burning Heart," by Survivor • "All I Need," by Jack Wagner • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

045 - Bookstore Boss Goes Bonkers! Jan 25, 2019

CHRIS COLLISION returns for FROZEN IN LOVE (2018) and: THEME ... Meet the Other Guys ... Title reminiscence ... The Gymkata trailer and All-In With Chris Hayes ... Rachael Leigh Cook/She's All That Appreciation Station ... Metropolitan shout-out ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: The Back to the Future reversal ... Plot cleanup ... A pretty good comedy! ... You must trust RLC ... Classic coffee demand in a Canadian library ... Incompetent hockey execs, plausible hockey scenes ... Lunatic laughter ... No sludgy plot middle ... Rom and a com, but not a romcom ... Normal, adult resolutions ... BREAK ... Journalismism: Wikipedia for Ice Hockey; New Yorker-style in media res; 'Claiborne Booted, Royals Rile Ref'; plagiarized National Post article; Integrity Media Group; Denver, Vermont; chocolate chip cookie Wikipedia BS; Mark Kurlansky Shade Station; upsetting books; grimmest book club in history; the word "colonialism"; PR charts and graphs; Derrida, Deleuze and Guattari ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Futzing with salad; bubble-free champagne; twice-baked potatoes; reasonable kitchens, pre-cut bread slabs; no-look kettle fill; no Dido budget ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Christmas-romance bookstore vs. "Two Weeks" Garbage Store Murder vs. Janet, the Denver Royals and the PR firm in Dater's Handbook ... Adult baseball ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Not really overdetermined vs. "On the Same Page" and hockey/book fair underwriting vs. black-tie hockey enforcer apology surprise ending ... Crossover: Ten-years-on mumblecore workplace rumination vs. Rachael Leigh Cook's Sudden Death and Larry Bud Melman's Yosemite Sam vs. You've Got Arena! ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, but novel ideation ... Finally honest with mom ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Solid penalty-killing, Make-A-Wish loser, solid 3 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Decemberists B-side ... Wutherin' ... Social anxiety and alcoholism subtext ... RLC's concluding kissing scenes ... Get Carter ... Prospera Center and Quesnel Millionaires ... How does box-sliding help? ... Chokeslam: The Movie ... Bigger puck ... Possession metrics ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "She's All That Freestyle" • "Kiss Me," by Sixpence None the Richer • "3 Small Words," by Josie and the Pussycats • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • LINKS: Gymkata on All-In with Chris Hayes • Tom Keiser on Sudden Death

044 - Love in the Time of Gymkata Jan 17, 2019

SARA KATE WILKINSON is back for CHRISTMAS AT THE PALACE and: How a Christmas movie ends ... THEME ... Present! ... Royalty and figure skating ... Well above average ... The Expositional Challenge: Will SK's streak continue? ... Brittany Bristow Appreciation Station ... Secondary plot almost stealing the show ... Elizabeth Reaser Apprectiation Station ... Andrew Cooper: handsome, accented, COPD ... End objectification ... BREAK ... Plug! ... SK's The Last Ship take ... Spot the Angel: Ghost fakeout goose egg ... San Senova's batsh*t founding legend and mythical astronomy ... Clutching a Rope Holding a Scope ... Grinch King vs. Christmas King ... Canceling on diplomacy for your teen ... Deposition via feet ... CORRECTION: The Battle of Jena was in 1806, and you'd think Jeb'd know this, since he wrote a term paper about it ... Abduct my daughter, please! ... Real talk, Kings, give money for Christmas, please ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Adorable Christmas cookies, Frankensteined leftover canapés ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Where is the Millers' farm? vs. Max Powers' overseas set and Gus Van Houten's casino empire ... The Netherlands Windmill Museum as an entire country ... Juddering camera ... His Majesty's putting green ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Jessica's plot recap vs. That Thing Your Mom Used to Say Medley ... Understudy BS ... Crossover: British boys' school handjob romp vs. Anne Hathaway/Julie Andrews backstabbing romp vs. Gymkata ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Rated 1 ... The Leftovers: King Arthur font ... Geometrically increasing garland ... Small ice rink, limited citizenship ... "You were so close" ... "Do we curtsey?" ... A family tradition of carrying the tree wrong ... Dr. Giggles ... BREAK ... Helen, Georgia and Mayor Cinnamon ... Rating: 4+ ... Notting Hill poach ... Oh no, no beau ... Date and Ruler of the Underworld and never say goodbye to a loved one again ... Slow-mo emo ... Sizzler ... San Senova Christmas Pageant DVD bonus ... Jump-cut stories and wordless walkoff blocking ... The Royal Marital Aids ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

043 - The Unprofessional Episode Jan 11, 2019

NORTHERN LIGHTS OF CHRISTMAS (2018) rings in our new year with: Geraldine Somerville appreciation station ... Slacking on good movies, transcribing bad ones ... THEME ... Catching up ... A powerfully soporific movie ... Bread Alert ... Let's talk sourdough ... Not a freaky bread sicko ... Mr. Frodo, the sourdough starter ... "Oh, it's the water" ... Distracting from your own shortcomings ... BREAK ... Ashley Williams and Corey Sevier appreciation station ... Gosford Park ... More Michael Gambon murders wanted ... The Expositional Challenge: Easy! ... That reindeer was no angel ... How I Met Your Mother: Dad's complete sexual history; the en-loathsomed main character; Liberal Arts; Ashley Williams jobbed out; too charming for her lead ... The Seinfeld Conundrum ... Missing Anne Heche ... "Do you have a reindeer problem?" ... Missing the overprogrammed Christmas activities ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: It takes a village??? ... Malcolm Gladwell Sucks: An Interlude ... Eat Your Heart Out: One coffee point and a peppermint follow-up ... The Art Hindle Cronenberg gallery ... Binaca flan ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Zoey's charter flights for outbound Hallmark people ... Overdetermined: Everything is Gus vs. Bailing on the "fest" as a sales gimmick ... Crossover: David Mamet vs. Anne Heche ... The Swagony of Defeat: Is Zoey getting double miles? ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Like, probably yes, but also it's probably Ashley Williams' work ... Easy to get pumice ... Morel agita ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Cold vs. Not-Cold ... Dissonant wine bottles ... Lambrusco ... Secret cornflake cookies ... They're playing our song, "Joy to the World" ... Forgetting cape things ... Rating: 3 ... Merry Christmas • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

042 - We'd Buy the App for a Dollar Jan 04, 2019

SARA KATE WILKINSON is back to MINGLE ALL THE WAY and: There's an app for that ... THEME ... This made me crazy ... Title first, plot second ... 1 fake boyfriend, 1,000 plots, 3 meet-cutes ... The Expositional Challenge ... We'd use Mingle all the Way at least once ... Fake networking means fake boyfriend ... Keeping secrets by inviting people to family dinner ... Want some crepes, Beez? ... Jen Lilley a little "soap" big ... Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf-level hostile flirting ... Jeff likes trees ... Too much going on ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: None! ... Adorable texting ... Jeff doesn't read as too into Molly ... Eat Your Heart Out: HOUSE that cake, girl; peppermint latte; gallons of nog ... Lindsay Wagner's Tron house ... Dirk Benedict on the Love Boat ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Any of them, or Chicago ... Overdetermined: "Here's why YOU use your app" vs. "She's even funny" ... Extra Expanded Universe: Jeff making wreaths with Elle in "Christmas in Love" ... Crossover: It's Die Hard again ... Remembering the one POC from this movie ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 3 ... BREAK ... Swagony of Defeat: Keepin' it MOIST ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Nooope ... Jeff's insane rudeness about Molly's cooking ... The Leftovers: Bare chest Santa ... Desk plate ... "Our song" Silent Night ... Tinsel time is here again ... Decorating the office for Tyler ... BREAK ... Ghost snowball ... Molly's friend early-reveals the app ... Overrated nemesis exposure ... Marmalard-ass Brent ... Ruining drapes with trees ... Rating: 3 ... Lisa's also teaching me French ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

041 - Welcome to Christmas Dec 21, 2018

It's our Christmas episode! With 2018's WELCOME TO CHRISTMAS and: Worry about your driving ... THEME ... Let's talk about our Christmases! ... Going someplace colder than NYC to not do anything ... Little Rock, a place with a winter ... Cleaning before leaving ... Puddle of Mudd roadie day ... Lax-cooking relatives vs. cooking nerds ... Rope-a-doped into making dinner ... Cousin Dave ruins the demi-glace ... Avocado on sausage pasta: DIS-RE-SPECT-FUL ... Cemetery Man shout-out ... Baked pasta funeral vibe ... Look at you drinkin' nog ... Do your best and have fun ... Scandinavian sot suppe ... Half a century of fart jokes ... F*ckin' smelts ... Penis fish ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup ... Second-guessing the wisdom of giant corporations and unlimited growth ... Townsfolk embracing debate ... Decent jokes and callbacks ... Discount-incentivizing the ornament hunt ... Doc Hollywooding the stranger again ... Eric Mabius' chaste gender/sex ambivalence ... Interiority vs. Indifference ... Disconnected repartee and forced meaningful glances ... Honoring first responders ... UK cop costuming ... "Mabius, play Signed, Sealed and Delivered...and armed" ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No angels, yes moppets ... Eat Your Heart Out: Normal cookies, normal coffee shop, eating like a trapped houseguest, where are the damn turkey legs and where's the damn ham? ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Eric Mabius' Signed, Sealed, Delivered gritty backstory vs. The Sweetest Christmas's sister city ... Overdetermined: Everything vs. A Christmas Carol, Haruki Murakami's Die Hard, and sister-on-sister guilt-tripping ... Crossover: A Groundhog Day of employment competency and a town cursed by permanent Christmas ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: A narrow pass limned by a woman's empty life ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Put some respect on that moppet (2) ... Partner Chat: Bailed for spreadsheets and chores ... The Leftovers: "It's Christmastown" ... Macho Man Umberto Eco ... Clownshow tree decorating ... BS Christmas tree lot "game" ... Spider egg sac Christmas tree ... Lorem Ipsum Christmas song ... Madison Gage ... Rating: 3 ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

040 - We Found Love in a Fooded Court Dec 14, 2018

Grab your chopsticks, it's won-ton soup time in 2016's THE MISTLETOE PROMISE, which vows: A frozen contract-honoring stupor ... THEME ... Centered-font intra-family legal brief ... Acknowledging the D-word ... We liked it! ... Real-life banter ... Anti-Andie MacDowell ... Is this something stupid you're doing? ... BREAK ... Doing it live: The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup: The Reindeer Report, disadvantaged kid travel, negging assistant, buddy Holly, angelic office assistant, lawyer sabotage, "I also know a cop" ... Adventures in the food court ... New York Fries, Boston Pizza, Boston Louts, Brahmin Pizza ... Mariachi carolers ... Figgy Pudding ... Corn Dog 7 ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No angels! ... Classic Lines: Jaime King looks terrific in everything; Audrey Hepburn nun; Clinton/Starfleet collar; costume diamonds/coffee sweetener; Luke Macfarlane's tie four inches above the belt; Stargate/Hallmark overlap; don't put Christmas trees on your overcoat ... Eat Your Heart Out: Won-ton soup with pickles; nipples of Venus; normal party; You Can't Duck Sauce on Television; champagne and hot-chocolate; kids watching adults for fun; The Sucky Plumber; champagne and candy canes; Skull and Bones; no one who chews Big Red could be bad ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Charity travel for low-tier Hallmark characters vs. Empire State hotel and running into Alicia Witt at the nut cart on an empty NYC street ... Overdetermined: Perhaps not overdetermined at all vs. rejecting Nick's kiss attempt ... Crossover: Bendini, Lambert and Locke vs. Richard Paul Evans' bleak and horrifying original novel of multiple vehicle fatalities ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Product placement assumed but not confirmed ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: A single person surrounded by satellites of man-obsession ... Partner Chat: The heads-I-win-tails-you-lose of the breadwinner/caretaker dichotomy expressed via who can be a romantic dumbass in the office; Jamie King's compelling life story; Hallmark's infantilizing expressions of female strength; "This is bananas"; the Ebert theory of judging by the movie's aim ... The Leftovers: Christmas tree landing ... Canadian interiors ... "Eccrou" ... Captain D's ... Santa fakeout ... Never selfie with ex-models ... The Ethics Crusader's ethics indifference ... Backseat skepticism ... Lochlyn Munro: Lesser Busey ... White Chicks ... Rating: 4 ... Champagne reprieve ... We're making duck! ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Let's Go to the Mall," from How I Met Your Mother, performed by Cobie "Robin Sparkles" Smulders • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

039 - Hallmark Origins: 9/11 Never Happened Dec 12, 2018

SARA KATE WILKINSON returns a fourth time for THE NINE LIVES OF CHRISTMAS, the movie that spawned the theory that 9/11 never happened in the Hallmark universe and includes: Determined to be unique! ... THEME ... Good movie, cult fandom ... Kimberley Sustad appreciation station ... "Godwink" ... Immortal Kathie Lee Gifford ... The Expositional Challenge ... Old dads and twentysomething sons getting equally hot ... Trapper John, MD, Hunter, Falcon Crest, MacGyver ... Spot the Angel: Ambrose the Cat (not of Milan) ... Lousy with angels ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Mangiamo's; gleaming rolls; Folger's Product (again); flat champagne; sliced bread; Mrs. Claus' candy-cane ice cream bucket; cute meet-cute; "horrible diarrhea"; dog food and taco shells; Taco Bell wrapper; antihistamines and poultry; just desserts ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: A snowless and normal place; least Christmasy Hallmark Christmas movie; Oregon-less Portland ... Wicked New England without 9/11 OR Tawmmy Brady ... Lovable firemen, male friendship network, and multitudinous women friends ... Humanesque universal innocency ... Alicia Witt clumsy-jogging into everyone ... Kimberley Sustad: Beautiful normal-looking person ... "She looks like a newscaster!" ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Determined; unexplained phobia; fireman dad; correctly firing Chekhov's guns; puma callback; model and pet-store heiress; ostentatious fire-truck PDA; trashing your "psychotic" girlfriend to another woman; escaping via smoke breaks ... Vogue toothpaste editorials ... Don't give the stranger your friend's address ... BREAK ... Crossover: No Superman references; Chicago Vet ... DICK WOLF ... Singing the Law & Order theme ... The Swagony of Defeat: Folgers Tubbb! and Wal-Mart bags and zero pet-food promotion ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Did it fail by a lot? ... My firefighter boyfriend lives in Canada ... Bogus as hell firemen calendar ... Neutered-but-horny Instagram firehouse cat ... Partner Chat: We haven't kissed, but do you want to live in my house? ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Marilee and Merrily ... Kelvina Picklesmith ... Evicted at the Angel Arms ... Hiding my cat in front of the bay window ... Flashing a BS badge ... Violating your fireman's oath ... Kimberley Sustad: She's my sister! She's my daughter! ... The best kind of pretty ... Roving Christmas party Santa ... Wife-as-handyman ... A shade of Marilee White ... ART THOU FORLORN??? ... Weird party excuse ... Beautiful in a fireman's coat ... Rating: 4.5 ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" by Billy Joel • "Run Rudolph Run" by Chuck Berry • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnan

038 - Twang Mess of Grace Lint Dec 07, 2018

KAREN GEIER is back in our dang kitchen for 2018's CHRISTMAS AT GRACELAND and: No response from the Pootie ... THEME ... Outrage on Elvis's behalf ... Not getting "Elvis" ... Drug sponge with a badge ... Bad movie, hard to remember ... EPCOT shout-out ... Kellie Pickler at Waffle House ... Crushing-clunker line reads ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Reggaeton ... Plot cleanup: Best friend Sally and house for sale; Banking Dad; endless gifts; barbecue sauce; Clay as Mark Wahlberg in Fear ... Active hostility toward the south ... Multi-regional accents at Grace Lint ... Southern Received Pronunciation ... BREAK ... Every Time A Bell Rings A Second Unnecessary Modest Mouse Percussionist Gets His Wings: Quadruple-dipping on "Silent Night"; sangin' weeyith an ack seeint; stank on "Noel"; should be called No W; hardly any Elvis; Soccer Elvis; ADR and clunkers; here's your guitar or whatever; Kellie Pickler and gospel ... Spot the Angel: When the only angel is the plutocrat; the perfect Santa of capitalism; sharing work product and violating an NDA; has anyone been to a bank before? ... THEME ... Eat Your Heart Out: Taking Chicago and the South's food culture and not having any food at all; Hot Cocoa is married to Ice-T; nuclear-powdered ice-rink hot chocolate; Tree Man Syndrome; unreal rice-crispy squares ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: LeeAnn Rimes in Memphis in Canada and Michigan and NY vs. A gritty prequel of an absentee dad ... Overdetermined: A fictional and featureless magical south; Seaman Beaumont shout-out; Elvis's horny ghost and kids at Graceland; Clay and Laurel find that coming home is around the corner; ditching your other best friend from 3rd grade; the black family in a Friday's bed-and-breakfast ... BREAK ... Crossover: Man vs. Fool's Gold Loaf ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Women be workin' and single parentin', less regressive than expected ... The Leftovers: Christmas light night-light ... Going out at night on a travel day ... "Do all of these other people live at Graceland?" ... Memphis snowfall ... Disney's Americaland hotel room ... Boss reading Memphis area music programs ... There are flights to Chicago ... Flocking-ass Christmas trees ... Turning the lights on AFTER decorating the tree ... The correct German way of Christmas lights ... Gas-filled s'mores ... Leave the door open for wilding-out houseguests ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Rating: 1.5 ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Black Dog/Hound Dog" by Dread Zeppelin • "Elvis and Bears" by The Red Elvises • "Ballad of Elvis and Priscilla" by The Red Elvises • "Tubular Bells" by Mike Oldfield • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

037 - Mariah Carey's (Long Island) Ohio Christmas Nov 30, 2018

Idolator founding editor MAURA JOHNSTON joins us for MARIAH CAREY'S feature directorial debut in 2015's A CHRISTMAS MELODY and: Andy Daly in the Hallmark universe ... Camptown Races ... THEME ... Maura's Christmas bona fides ... Mariah Carey and Long Island Christmas ... "All I Want for Christmas Is You" ... Idolator shout-out ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Are homeless Santa and janitor Santa the same Santa? ... "Oh Santa!" in the movie ... Mariah Carey's extreme filters ... Manicure closeup ... Mariah's Seagal-esque immobility ... Palanquin-heavy live show ... Mariah's accidental auteur directorial style ... Christmasy live show ... First bad review in high school ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Over in 44 seconds ... Eat Your Heart Out: Give peas a chance; dead-cat-bouncing gluten-free jokes; Saved by the Bell; Luke Danes reprise again ... Brennan Elliott dragging huge chemistry out of Lacey Chabert ... Mariah Carey 70's auteur ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Chabert's intense high school football rivalry with Summer in the City, Ohio vs. Stars Hollow again ... Actually shot in Ohio ... Mariah's Inland Empire ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Hoist by the Mean Girl petard; mom makes your clothes; schizophrenic consumerism; twinkling engagement ring from dentist husband; "I'm in charge, remember?"; watching for comeuppance; Long Island bustin' out with sport-parenting; track suits; name sewed on your jeans; Skyline chili; relentless harping music cues; the Santa-song wish reasoning ... Crossover: Carol Kane Glitter-punching on slappers only; "It's the Jets game!" vs. Everlasting with Brennan Elliott; Unreal shout-out ... "Man in Car" in "Life Is a Highway" ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Folger's presents: Tubbb! ... Stunod! It is Stacker 2 ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Probably??? ... The Leftovers: G-rated dance face smack ... Valid Christmas tree market ... Sudden stalker male lead ... Chabert and separate filming micro-climates ... BREAK ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 5, but variable ... Squickily vampy preteen daughter performance ... Dubbed "Oh Santa!" and useless accompanist piano ... Oh, Georgia, you're so popular ... Chabert: Precocious 10-year-old at 30 ... The AAH Group ... Sudden potential body-switching comedy ... They never add the extra plot ... Rating: 3 ... Hello to Kathy Najimy! ... Ego death with Mariah ... Mariah video comps ... Spinal Tap limo driver ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "My City Was Gone" by The Pretenders • "Bloodbuzz, Ohio" by The National • "Life Is A Highway" by Tom Cochrane • "Georgia" from Music For Sleeping Children • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • Check out stills from the movie here!

036 - Smash the Machines, Seize the Kringles Nov 20, 2018

SARA KATE WILKINSON returns a third time for Countdown to Christmas Four in CHRISTMAS IN LOVE, with: I'll make the Wiki ... THEME ... Hallmark Graceland and Elvis sandwiches ... Christmas decorations: before Pearl Harbor Day? ... Balsam Hill: the ornaments your decorator buys ... Appropriate decoration density ... Hot Take: Cute, and it's good ... Adults with real motivation ... Brooke D'Orsay Appreciation Station ... Seamless ... At Christmastime, but not really about Christmas ... "Quality Time" vs. quality time ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Again: a good movie ... A sane and adult quit ... A proudly pro-labor movie ... Roasting "learn to code" ... Fixing a dopey heir ... Technology as not-magic ... Basically real people ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: [No Actual Angel] ... Eat Your Heart Out: Kringle familiarity; what else do you make?; BobbyBigWheel shout-out; iced-out cookies; diner culture; booze bag ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Brendan Routh crossover vs. Brooke D'Orsay doppelgängers ... Marc Blucas ... Overdetermined: There really isn't anything vs. the skeleton of another Hallmark movie beneath this flesh ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Christmas crafts vs. year-round product diversity ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Hideous wreaths ... Open ex-boyfriend ... Borderline kiss on the cheek ... A woman-initiated kiss! ... It stayed on the right side ... No hairnet, great hair ... Elf outfit ... Good male costuming ... I thought you'd never ask me to help you write a business plan ... Drunk honor student ... Human in crisis ... One error: selective disbelief ... They don't lay off HR ... "It's his job to protect the town" ... Rating: 4.5 ... LinkedIn Sara Kate ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "A Real Hero" by College & Electric Youth • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Marianne

035 - We'll Do It Rimes! Nov 15, 2018

Sweeten that studio magic, it's 2018's IT'S CHRISTMAS, EVE, featuring LeAnn Rimes and: One-year-anniversary gift of the magi ... Malaise forever! ... Scouting Report: Young Werther ... Casey Kasem ... Premature rating ... THEME ... Always Christmas/always New Year's Eve ... Pastiche of pastiches ... LeAnn Rimes: Dead-weight energy and stone face ... Junket/glad-handing impatient demeanor ... Thoroughly even keeled ... LeAnn doing original songs is originality enough ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Proactive dad with a website ... Original music ... Belted-out studio vocal track ... 100 percent *valid* Christmas tree lot ... Bantering dialogue like a table read ... Uneven emotional engagement ... Undermining degrees of Chandler-from-Friends spin ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Abby or, everyone but Eve ... Checking in with Hallmark sponsor Country Living Magazine: Maple Ridge or Chilliwack? ... Roving superintendent of schools ... Just try raising taxes, buttheads ... Just ADMIT that life has value outside of cash and quantification ... Jeremy Bentham and Karl Marx ... Eat Your Heart Out: Popcorn vat at A Christmas Carol vs. overdoing the hot chocolate ... Foreign currency jokes ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Every town vs. Larry Walker's hometown ... Overdetermined: Abandoning music since dad died vs. "small towns come together" ... An "Up in the Air" agent of austerity and unintentional villainy ... Crossover: Dangerous Minds vs. Up in the Air ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Ughhhhhhh, screw it, you tell us ... Partner Chat: "If you watch that, you'll get sick" vs. Matthew Perry vibe and Celebs With No Eyebrows dot Com ... LeAnn Rimes eyebrow chat ... Don't pee ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Letterman chat ... Love Actually, again ... "Idiot Control Now" ... "We're a Panabaker household" ... Bingo Jones ... Latin Anniversary ... Wyatt and Tate ... Jeb worked at a Hallmark store ... And Duck Head ... Homes SMOTHERED in merchandising ... Hitting the Snodgrass ... Laremy Tunsil shout-out ... Emoting your way to guitar godhood ... That ain't how pageloads work ... Spot the Charlie's Angel hairstyle ... RATING: 2.5 ... Dusty Baker, Panabaker ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "The Stars and Stripes Forever," by John Philip Sousa • "You and Me and Christmas" by LeAnn Rimes • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

034 - Judge Panabaker in Cookie v. Gingerbread Nov 09, 2018

KAREN GEIER is cookin' in our dang kitchen for 2018's CHRISTMAS JOY and: Rap game gingerbread ... Affected by Christmas on a German level ... Caganer: The Catalan pooping figurine ... I got a capon guy ... "Do y'all eat loons?" ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup ... What's sexier than a widower? ... Ersatz America without flavor ... A sorority recruitment video, but for marriage ... Department store in a train station ... An absence of egregious lines ... Spot the Angel: The Primum Mobile Aunt; rainmaking department store owner; Ben, a welter of self-abnegation ... Omnipresent stalker material ... Eat Your Heart Out: Insane ingredient list, barrels of milk, La Mansione, non-functional log kitchen, "Dirty Cookies," unclear about the terms of the cookie crawl, thawing cookies in a snow-covered barn, amazing Kitchen Aid mixer guy, communal labor ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Rocky Mountains of Georgia, Cartwright's vs. Weatherton's, a Lacey Chabert joint ... Overdetermined: Insane quit at the embarrassing gala showdown; 99 percent of city life is insanely boring; we here in small towns live in small towns; still "hitched" to being in Crystal Falls ... Crossover: Joy as a Scandinavian homicide cop vs. an Unseen Anne Hathaway movie vs. the gritty reboot of CITY WIFE ... Christmas in hospitals is terrible ... Doing Christmas drugs ... Wife absorbed alive by house ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: The "Wonderfold" Christmas diorama; conspicuous iPhone/MacBook placements; Southern Living cover shot; Balsam Hill Christmas ornaments; crappy-ass mosaic ornament ... German motivational abuse ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Insanely restrictive gingerbread competition ... Gettin' that d-ring binder ... Love letter to retail ... Prop master's mom photo ... WEAR A HAIRNET ... Mrs. Weatherton's paying for lies ... I love Gabrielle Rose, and one day we'll be together ... Cyber is the future ... "Love Actually" as the ultimate Hallmark movie ... Carolina Panthers Stadium in gingerbread ... RATING: 3, leaning higher ... MyDang.Kitchen ... Fight against recipes prefaced with personal stories ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Tit for Tat "Ain't No Taking Back" by James Brown • "Tears" by Giorgio Moroder • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • CLICK HERE FOR STILLS WE DISCUSSED FROM THE MOVIE.

033 - Pride and Prejudice and Fascism Oct 31, 2018

Fascism and criticism abound in the bleak first entry of 2018's Countdown to Christmas, CHRISTMAS AT PEMBERLEY MANOR, including: "In Puke of Lost Turds" by Marcel Poops ... Sigmund Freud vs. The Wolfman ... THEME ... Beautiful and handsome ... A bad movie, it's very bad, folks, many people are saying it ... The Expositional Challenge ... A Seth MacFarlane joke of a plot ... The market cynicism of fan-fiction ... Santa Claus in Pride and Prejudice ... Every actor in a tonally different movie ... Names matched up and nothing else ... Jane Austen's Travis ... Jeb's fanboying the 1995 A&E/BBC Pride and Prejudice miniseries ... Chemistry void over the children's party ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Kristopher Klaus on granddad patrol ... Class-blind, accentless and Yeager-like ... The Right Stuff for Christmas ... Desaturated June in the Upside-Down ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cookies, again; two performances unconnected and side-by-side ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Like a movie a Hallmark character would watch in a Hallmark movie ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: All or nothing, busybody Santa, expository gofer ... Travis: Nazi or CPAC attendee or? ... Crossover: Pride and Prejudice and Pride and Prejudice ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Absolutely not ... Steven Root's Partner Chat: Michael Rady appreciation; Pemberley Manor, the 2,500 sq. foot house; "Oh, how I long for a ____"; phoning in your fanfic ... BREAK ... A Brief Interlude About Anti-Semitism and Lou Dobbs, including: This is still a game for them; a "ZOG" bomb on Fox News; fan-service for people who love racist implications; ignoring harm to people you can't conceive of as human; Lou Dobbs poisoning your grandma; a world without backtrack or apology; "Fascism! I'm gonna live forever!" ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Elaine Hendrix's fantastic eyebrows ... Holiday cheer on your own time, ladies ... Michael Rady, professional baleful gazer ... Darcy emotionally toying with The Sad Mayor ... Binders are people, my friend ... I am Serious Mayor, this is Serious Festival ... The Hamsterdam of egg nog ... A satisfying moment of Lowndes puttin' on the melisma ... Ah, I see you're reading WESTERN literature ... Pretending you're cold in June ... Pump-thermos coffee ... Tony Shalhoub, listen to this episode ... Lady, it's a porch ... Manufactured quit and three-way quit ... A terrible one-sided phone call ... Mayor Wickham's execution lever ... Rating: 1 ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "2 Become 1," by The Spice Girls • "Reel Ten" by The Plugz • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

032 - The Stars Hollow Man Oct 24, 2018

It's 2015's PORTRAIT OF LOVE and time for Logan Echolls to: Pour water on your own damn computer ... THEME ... A Chopped basket of movies ... What are you even acting well in? ... The Expositional Challenge: Failed! ... Corbin Bernsen shot this in 30 minutes ... Street-legal sushi ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Jess, first among equals; birthing replacement customers for Stan's diner; maximum child acting; biking while sobbing; a busybodying "force of nature"; everyone in town has nothing in their lives but Luke and April ... Eat Your Heart Out: Alex Jones uncovers the truth about Stars Hollow; ice cream and liquids; giant salad tongs with pasta; Dave's Gilmore Girls ignorance/inheritance ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hallmark's Inverse Heisenberg principle; the town at the center of the Hallmark universe; no movie summaries on Wikipedia; Luke's time-comet time paradox-based breakup ... Overdetermined: Relentless "telling, not showing" placeholder text vs. Luke's fear of failure and April's fear of abandonment ... My Wife The Innings Eater, or: The casual disposability of dead Hallmark spouses ... BREAK ... Crossover: When Star's Hollow's Stars Hollow it's Stars Hollow; Harry Hamlin, Milo Ventimiglia and Enrico Colantoni star in "The Harrowing"; Jess Franco's Stars Hollow ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes early, racing toward no at the end; I get it, French class ... Partner Chat: Jigsaw hooky; Kate shuts the door; Hallmark's bizarro art world ... The Leftovers: April's terrible Luke portrait photo, BLUE THUNDER / WHITE LIGHTNING ... Freejack reference ... Maximo Munzi ... "Brandeis" ... Not smelling clay, thinking clay ... Science fair volcano ... Hallmark presents: Lobsterfest ... Date pickup at ex's house ... Wings take dream ... Rating: 2 ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Where You Lead," by Carol King • "Halley's Waitress" by Fountains of Wayne • "Love the One You're With" by Crosby, Stills and Nash • "Caterpillar (Rabbit in the Moon Remix)" by DJ Keoki • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

031 - Not All Tonys Are Baloney Oct 17, 2018

SIMON MALOY helps us get a *little* mean and Dave gets a little tanked for ALL THINGS VALENTINE and: Simon's Hallmark bona fides ... What channel is your Hallmark Channel next to? ... One Dobbs makes you larger ... Does Simon secretly have a Quiverfull family? ... Pie chat ... A darkness in our nation ... The loneliness of getting mad online ... Maybe the corrosiveness of online IS the moral? ... The begged questions of a universe where real tragedies are: Re-gifting, Valentine's scrooges ... The perceived passivity of hegemonic politics, and it was only SEVEN dates ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Supersized! ... Batting cleanup: Gentlemanly moppet, dad's "Not All Men" advice, Kit and Pru's wholesome loving counterpoint ... Dave liked it; Simon's dislike starts melting under trope knowledge; Jeb praises the actors' work with a story of a loathsome troll ... Chatting with your friends about cyberbullying ... BREAK ... Journalismism: When the advice columnist is the marquee player; Managing Editor James Gammon; BOTH platforms; "The Coach"; investigating your own comments section; mods?; DOXING YOUR OWN COLUMNIST to expose her to a troll; an editor failing to exploit first-person suffering; College Mascot Lame-Off! ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: McKenna, the unloved (always female) facilitator who eats sh*t for other people's happiness vs. token moppet Tony Bolognese ... You wanna see my grandma's canary? ... Alex Jones Presents Tony Baloney's Eat Your Heart Out: Fondue montage; that's not caramelizing; the most erotic moment in a Hallmark movie to date (strawberry eating); Le Chocolaterie; I AM LISA THE CONFECTIONER; "There are some dinner rolls"; endlessly loading food; El Adobe and juiciest tacos; apologies for "the juiciest taco"; "These burritos remind me of parental abandonment!" ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Christmas-tree metaphor lady from The Mistletoe Inn vs. Hearts of Spring and All Things Valentine in a town of internet-tormentor couplings ... Overdetermined: Brendan's needless viciousness and advice-ignoring and "well, actuallying" vs. Making Brendan read the column telling McKenna to break up with him vs. Valentine's Day as "trauma," and high school dares ... Kit, the actually nice guy ... Avery's totally unsympathetic gender-defending father ... BREAK ... Crossover: Kit stars in "Alphabet City" or as Jeffrey Combs in The Frighteners vs. You've Got Mail meets The War of the Roses vs. Dave's a goldbricker! ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Avery WOULD pass with flying colors, but her career/family discussions are about the Valentine's holiday ... Howell Raines ... Idiot editor, but at least multicultural casting ... Leftovers: "That cat paid for my education" ... Hey, did I ever tell you about this traumatic experience? ... NFL coaches we'd rather see doing an advice column ... Jeb's petty typo ... Brendan: child-labor victim, Stockholm-syndrome oppressor sympathizer, rentier-class exploiter ... Tony Baloney just KILLING a Valentine's note ... "Thank you for coming to see my grandmother's canary" ... Tony Bologn, unbelievable ... RATING: 3 ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "U-Mass," by The Pixies • "Land of 1,000 Dances" by Wilson Pickett • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #4

030 - Jack Wagner's Ring Cycle: The Valkyrie Oct 12, 2018

TARA ARIANO and SARAH D. BUNTING of Previously.tv and the Extra Hot Great podcast return for The Wedding March 2: Resorting to Love and have to realize that: The White House has a leak, needs a plumber! ... The Melman wedding ... THEME ... Wedding marching again and getting predictions wrong ... What catalogue is this like leafing through? ... Leaning into the problems of the first movie ... Canadian Fred Weller ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Wyatt (an heir who goes to STATE, by the way) ... Wagner's 110% effort, especially on dad paranoia ... Just exploit Wyatt already ... Mick's suicidal business plan ... Insufficient Duke ... A cappella warmup with the movie's single ... Mick and Olivia's INSANE celibacy ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Wyatt vs. Bridezilla vs. Mick and Olivia as mutual angels ... Classic Lines: Jack Wagner's useless disguise; chaste styles a couple cycles behind; bad rehearsal dinner hair; improved Josie Bissett wig; Ann Taylor loft, for sure; obscuring Bissett's enviable figure; Starburst-ass bowties; ill-fitting wedding gown; Bissett meets Warhol; fuchsia blazer, fuchsia shirt; dressing like Dianne Feinstein; *Seven Mary Three voice* Cumberbund; not a fan of the bund ... BREAK ... Plugs ... Eat Your Heart Out: Romantic dinner without romance; watered down wine; what the fuck was that wedding???; scattershot bridezilla; personalized ice sculptures; huge 34-person wedding; personalized cakes; cucumber-infused water ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Duck veterinarian; neighboring set visit; editors always editing; children's book editor from Magical Christmas Ornaments; Paul Greene and Erika Christensen's poached fried chicken ... Overdetermined: Hallmark can't mock crazy-elaborate weddings even as it needs to; badgering a husband who clearly regressively doesn't care; a doormat for every ballbreaker; angry at upselling; drone incompetence; Mick and Olivia pick a proxy fight ... The Blowjob Question ... Crossover: You've Got Mail (which sucked! and the evil people won!) vs. Better Call Saul scamming vs. Eating victim ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Completely no or ALMOST completely no ... Rating: 3, frequently baffled, never bored, too bridezilla'd ... More drones ... Leftovers: Special Marriage Dale Cooper ... Blake Shelton ... Melrose crossover, no McDonald's ... Double booking Univac ... Hugging your innkeeper ... Clip-art wedding logo and butt pendant ... Stanning for wallpaper ... His ass remains young ... Teaching "sha na na na na na" to your students ... We're marching back for #3! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "You and Me," by Jack Wagner • "Lighting Up the Night" by Jack Wagner • "Drivin' Miss Daisy" by Jack Wagner • "All I Need" by Jack Wagner • "Audrey's Dance" by Angelo Badalamenti • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #3

029 - I Coach Peace of Mind, Barton Oct 03, 2018

It's 2018's LOVE ON THE SLOPES and time to divide warrior from worrier with: Is your podcast repeating on you? ... THEME ... How was the Malort? ... Gin-adjacent European liquors ... "I threw up before we started recording this" ... Ghoulies II ... Toddler barf laughter ... BREAK ... Katrina Bowden and Thomas Beaudoin were terrific ... Extremely ungenerous female-lead plotting ... The Expositional Challenge ... Marmalard-ass boyfriend with no negative traits ... Astonishingly amicable sleigh-ride breakup ... Non-extreme extreme sports ... When female characters' cowardice crosses into incompetence ... Weezer shirts ... BREAK ... Plugs ... Journalismism: "A stable job that pays well"; employees can now brainstorm; get on a plane immediately; one-week cover story; Peter Pattakos, Cleveland Frowns shout-out; all day, LeBron, ALL DAY; belch interlude; Hallmark writing careers as could-have-been fulfillment; "World's Worst Beaches"; one-page cover story; Candace Bushnell-ism; beginning sentences with "for"; totally screwheaded ethical non-dilemma; Thomas Pynchon and JD Salinger cheapskating a diner ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Cole. It's Cole ... "Ma'am, please remove yourself" ... Eat Your Heart Out: Coffee klutz, burger ascetic, hot chocolate, flannel eater ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Denver religious postal detectives, "welcome back to butt chat," and Chabert's snowy Georgia vs. Bitty Kane, HT Cowell, Christmas tree metaphors, the Dave and Buster's caught on fire, and elephant gawking at Ukuthulha ... Living and dying inside the Danny Glover/Christmas Train Metaverse ... Overdetermined: Making a successful young woman totally childlike and useless vs. Worrier vs. Warrior ad nauseam and the ease of taking risks in a risk-free universe ... Carrie Bradshaw voiceover returns! ... Crossover: Extreme sports at the Overlook Hotel or the movie Ski School ... Hallmark Bechtel Test: Flying colors ... Partner Chat: Marital gloating, Jay Cutler doooonnnnn't caaaaaaare ... BREAK ... Leftovers: I guess you could say I coach peace of mind, Barton ... You're cool, Ohio/You're full of surprises, New York ... Thomas Beaudoin pulling winning gag faces ... Victorian-ass breakup dialogue ... Dubious iPhone beeping ... Extraordinary first-class boarding pass ... Rating: 2.5 ... Banff Motherf*cker ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "It Says Here (Alternative Version)" by Billy Bragg • "Hello Ladies (Val Venis Theme)" by WWE's Jim Johnston • NFL Primetime Theme #2 • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne

028 - Toto's Africa: The Movie Sep 24, 2018

DESI JEDEIKIN of the Hollywood Crime Scene podcast self-censors for Love on Safari (2018), Jeb mispronouncing "ukuthula" and: Jeb f*cking up an intro ... Desi is custom-made for Lifetime Original Movies ... Whipsawing male emotions in a waiting room ... Publix ... The Expositional Challenge ... A web marketer who never hustles ... Leading man resting-sneer face ... "Make the elephant go viral" ... Scottsdale vs. Swimming with sharks ... Falling in love with a large inheritance ... Grandmotherly Chabert kiss ... Spot the Angel: The "magical negro" vs. the selfless stepsister ... Creeping a Hallmark director's Instagram ... REAL South Africa, not just British Columbia ... Flowers in the Attic ... Eat Your Heart Out: Vanishing chef, ample iced tea, cookies cookies cookies ... Eating while your feet are in a damn pool ... Invite Desi to a white party ... Ice hotel ... Classic Lines: The stiffest cardigan, Fat Martin Shkreli's Miami Vice Cartel Collection and feckless villainy, The Linda Ronstadt Safari Catalog, sweaters in the heat, stilettos in gravel ... Hallmark Extended Universe: Benson LLC and the Radcliffe Center again ... Overdetermined: Don't be afraid to take risks, "you've changed since you've been here," "getting lost means finding the path" and when the theme song is the movie title ... Build-A-Buré Workshop: Hearts of Darkness ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: The romance/preserve plots are self-defeating ... Leftovers: Chancery! Papyrus! Fonts! ... Romcom capery music colliding with deleted-scene Lion King music ... Desi researches message boards ... An insane Toto grievance ... An African proverb about redundancy ... The love of my life Brad ... Identifying local stakeholders ... Six guests, one soul handshake and Papyrus again ... White vacationers' imperialist awakenings ... Rating: 2 (The Softest Cheese) ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "George of the Jungle Theme," by Stan Worth and Sheldon Allman • "Grazing in the Grass" by Hugh Masekela • "Tusk (Extended Version)" by Fleetwood Mac • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #1 • Follow Desi here!

027 - Murse King of Fried Chicken Sep 13, 2018

It's 2016's ANYTHING FOR LOVE and time to hide your identity for: The menace of online dating ... Merry Christmas from Jordan Peterson ... Theme ... Jeb's 3 Favorite NFL season things ... Ryan Fitzpatrick appreciation station ... We liked this movie! ... Meet the cast ... Surly teen patient par annoycellence ... Fizzy writing, groaning tropes ... Brutal closing speech via hospital PA ... Famous (man's) last words (again) ... The Expositional Challenge ... Swimfan, The Faculty, Buñuel ... Erika Christensen appreciation station ... Chemistry: forced early, steadily improving, good listening ... "It's the Dead Wife Scene" ... Tropey but, like, Shakespeare tropey ... Spot the Angel: Dating buddies vs. Jack himself ... Men introducing women to common elements of American society ... 90-second 11th-hour Hallmark quit scene ... Million Dollar Man Charles Q. Boyfriend ... Yanni, Laurel, Murse ... Eat Your Heart Out: Guys knowing "a place" like The King of Fried Chicken; in this house we respect The Colonel; fake Glenn Greenwald and Wright Thompson; to-go foil swans ... Charles the hostile, kiss-assaultive Wine Clown ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Erika Christensen chewing out the Radcliffe Center vs. Cartwright's landlord, looking deep into Wisconsin ... Overdetermined: Catcher in the Rye vs. Pride and Prejudice ... Katherine's father Woody Johnson ... Chad Pennington appreciation station ... Crossover: Traffic vs. Extreme Measures ... The Swagony of Defeat: Heart keychains ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes??? Maybe??? ... Partner Chat: An "emotional" ending and Paul Greene fandom vs. looks and money change things; skewed vision of doctors and nurses; nurse with infinite time; female self-effacement to protect the fragile male ego ... Leftovers: "I'm not going to let this Radcliffe deal fail, Kitten" ... The Gist ... Duck-walkin' the bowlin' alley ... Ironing jeans, helmet hair ... Overdressed to meet the King of Fried Chicken ... Jack's buddy Reggie running with "You're The Worst" energy ... Suicide door on a chump car ... Rating: 4.5 • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase Theme • NFL Primetime Theme #9 • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne

026 - ART THOU BOTOWN? Sep 07, 2018

It's 2017's THE PERFECT CATCH and we are ready to: Play ball! ... Macho Man Randy Savage: fundamentally extreme, underappreciated ballplayer ... Doc Hollywooded in New England ... Rising Sun: racism, nudity, choking ... The Tia Carrere expanded universe ... Other people's driving paranoia ... Why are we talking about reiki healing? ... A rolling thunder of ailments ... Boneskin's waiting ... Kid looks like Ben Shapiro ... The Expositional Challenge ... Dave trusted his stuff too much ... Tea-sipping parents and Herb the insurance salesman ... The Agatha Christie Chart of Casual Late-Imperial Racism ... A replacement-level romcom without enough time to develop its stuff ... The CUP List: "Botown"; Kevin Goldstein's scouting report; throwing eephus pucks; an empty $40-$90 million career; Troy Percival's spasmodic intensity; pitching face; Byung-hyun Kim; insane negging father; no retirement plan ... "Friends on set" ... Spot the Angel: Everyone is everyone's; Newhart refugee ... Eat Your Heart Out: Omelet envy; avocado bankruptcy; good food choices; what is with all the food trucks???; universal dumplings ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Fan-service listing all co-localities; the wet park of Blair/Daniel Jackson; wet, trampled grass in mottled fields; remembering borked ballfields; dirt viscosity ... Overdetermined: Everything expository from Wes/Shapiro ... Crossover: Twin Peaks, Fox Mulder and Ice Cube; shoplifting the pootie; Ben Shapiro getting dribbled ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Ambiguous! ... Partner Chat: Wes the Whinebucket; French new wave film; "one of us!"; no visible falls; small town, no economy; useless misogyny about sports moms; "tornado and cicada season"; no diner in a town of 2,000 needs to advertise; diner menu "bluff" items ... PLUGGING! ... Leftovers: Colbie Caillat ... Diner closes at 9 ... Leaving Botown for SoCal ... New LA experiences ... He has a carphone and looks at himself in the mirror ... Boyfriend dating Jessica so she can buy alcohol ... Le Specter • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Speaking From The Heart," by Macho Man Randy Savage • "Talkin' Softball" by The Simpsons • "Did You See Jackie Robinson Hit That Ball?" by Count Basie and His Orchestra • NFL Primetime Theme #8 • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne

025 - So F*ck You, Edith Wharton Aug 31, 2018

SARA KATE WILKINSON returns to exquisitely loath The Mistletoe Inn and: The world's worst writing metaphor ... THEME ... Sara Kate hates the movie and the lead ... NOT a crush on Alicia Witt ... Too nuanced an actress to nail broad antic/slapstick (still not a crush) ... David Alpay nod ... The Expositional Challenge: Pseudonymous Revenge ... 9/11 non-existence and surprise plane tickets ... A Scandinavian Doubletree ... A whole movie of "that's not a thing" ... Residence Inn outside, Holiday Inn lobby, office building rooms ... Accidentally authentic conference alienation ... Who runs this conference and for whom? ... What is this writing competition??? ... Snow dementia ... Spot the Angel: Each other's angels, or Sam ... Flawed tweed/male-writer subplot ... HT Cowell should work for Brazzers ... Eat Your Heart Out: Lifelong preemptive quitter vs. Christmas-themed and writer cocktails vs. Nut cart vs. Crepe cart vs. Hotel clown show vs. Turkey roast! vs. SO rude ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Boutique Christmas-romance publisher vs. News frolic vs. Same main street ... Overdetermined: Stakes reminder vs. Shattered keynote speaker vs. "Take a risk!" vs. INSANE breakup clip vs. When your rounding error correction is a round error vs. EVERYTHING ABOUT WRITING IS WRONG ... Crossover: Sara Kate's Queen Latifah pull vs. Turkish Stephen King/In the Mouth of Christmas vs. Defeat ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, but yes. Partner Chat: Wrongly equating success with self, candle continuity ... Hotel Leone trutherism: taller than the Chrysler Building, wall AC units, stores and spaces in Vancouver's historic Sinclair Center, Sam should be HT Cowell, INSANE SUICIDE PROLOGUE, Insufficient motivation ... Leftovers: CHRISTMAS. TREE. LOT. FUNDA. MENTALS ... Alicia Witt: Unnatural runner, natural 3/4 arm slot ... Team Rude ... So f*ck you, Edith Wharton ... Nutcracker ... Rating: Tangy and Unsettling ... We did it! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "New Word," by Alicia Witt and "About Me," by Alicia Witt • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #7 • Follow Sara Kate here!

023 - A Fisherman's Guide to Undercover Angola Jul 27, 2018

ROBERT WHEEL uses his potty mouth to announce which children are sick and which are goldbrickers in 2017's Magical Christmas Ornaments, and tends to: Mort, the original gangster ... Bobby to Hallmark: Dreck, Blecch! ... The Expositional Challenge ... A Hallmark podcast talking about podcasts in Hallmark ... How SHORT could this movie be? ... Tiny Tim and Medical Urchinosis ... Office hospital ... Munchausen by Christmas ... Small kitchen, large vermin ... Spot the Angel: Mom or ornament? ... Refreshing Tim Matheson ... Eat Your Heart Out: Bobby goes for the X rating, cookie-speared cupcake, gingerbread Groupon ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Children's book publishing vs. The Real Housewives vs. Ina Bruckner's revenge ... Danica McKellar, please fight Dave ... Overdetermined: Ornamental lingering vs. Quentin Tarantino's "Feet" vs. exhausting exposition ... Crossover: Poltergeist ornaments vs. exhausted archetypes vs. Bringing Out The Dead ... Breslin radio ... Bourbon bastard bro writer ... The Swagony of Defeat: Surprisingly modest for a product-placement movie, Sanibel Island geography, hot pants, Jesus Christ ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... Partner Chat: So I Married An Axe Murderer; architectural quibble; HIPAA ... WASP Ken Marino or Canadian Luke Wilson? ... Ken Marino, please wrestle Dave ... Leftovers: Dave, fight Michael Bublé ... More on Hallmark's bizarre proto-Marxism ... Oh hai, Dickens ..."The Time of Our Lives": The Facebook post of a barely literate divorcé ... Rating: 2 • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Gingerbread Man (Instrumental)" by Gucci Mane • "Whoa, Girl (Just Boobin')" by Kidd Luv (feat. Johnny Boob) • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #5 • Follow Bobby here!

022 - B-Minus Dalton's Murder Ballad Jul 22, 2018

JAY W. FRIEDMAN and CHRIS COLLISION of IDEOTV get incredible value with Garage Store Mysteries: Murder By Text (2017) and: Dual Hallmark noobs ... Lori Loughlin Recognition Station ... Movies for people in the kitchen ... Papyrus credits ... Cozy mystery love ... Older actresses, missed faces ... The Expositional Challenge ... Drunk/mumblecore husband ... Condo-blocking dad ... Sarah Strange: Great actress, bad C-plot ... I am under your sink, look at all these crystals ... How was this as a mystery? ... Don't remind audiences of better works ... John Bender's Dad's Garage Stain Mysteries ... Spot the Criminal: Manager, city planning at sea, overthinking, budget Breckin Meyer, can't make the POC the killer ... Eat Your Heart Out: Donut or bear claw?, sex omelette, giant mom wineglass, pander or empathy?, parental cooking shade ... Bumper-clowned by your daughter ... Contractor foiled by stickers ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Janeway Holodeck episodes, fired under an assumed name at Cartwright's ... Overdetermined: Christie/Conan Doyle callbacks/misquotes, junk store security clearance and tour shopping, "True To You" overemphasis, active imagination and a flash drive ... Crossover: Developer Dad starts a Ski School, Dalton Riverdale, Ditech Detective's World of Humiliation, Dalton's Road House ... DALTON Chat ... Build-A-Buré Workshop: "Garage Rock Mystery: Murder by Skank" ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Flying colors, but with Bud Bundy-Level brother work ... Leftovers: One of the least plausible live-music depictions possible ... Where's the real noose, the voided bowers and the petechial hemorrhaging? ... Wiseass mortician ... Hijab via Laura Ashley ... Animated vs. Brooding Loughlin ... Contractors LOVE historical designations ... Drunk, Boomhauer-ass dad ... Half-Stalloned, unemployed secret construction detective ... Dad detective ... Fake Google ... Getting watched watching Hallmark ... MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Watching the Detectives" by Elvis Costello • "The Ghost Who Walks" by Karen Elson • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #4 • Click to listen to Chris, Jay and Jeb discuss "The Way of the Shadow Wolves."

021 - The Duchess of Sussex - FOOD CRIMINAL Jul 13, 2018

KEITH BUCKLEY, author and lead singer of Every Time I Die joins us for 2016's Dater's Handbook and: Giambis ... REO Speedwagon ... They shoot Go-Go's, don't they? ... Rick Derringer, BOC and Nas memories ... The Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle ... Royal wedding/Hallmark crossover ... Food snitching: UNFORGIVABLE ... Artistic Hallmark ... Mindwarped by Lifetime ... The Duchess does ALL her own stunts ... Meghan Markle is good ... Jarred by emotional realness ... The Expositional Challenge ... Dr. Susie ... Cocktail dresses, winter rain ... G-rated racy ... "Negging" funny-guys ... Pigtail pulling and desire without sex ... Lifetime: Nothing Is Safe ... Nerf tension ... Never get upset ... Spot The Angel: Wedding children, romcom atheism and David Duke's sister ... Eat Your Heart Out: Dinner in Oz, snitches get stitches, Keith would NOT marry the Duchess of Sussex, PASTRIES, authentic Bennigan's, thankless wings ... Good sports! ... Duane Laimbeer redux ... Meet your own Shmoiz ... Allergic and Unaware of It ... 100% subordinate failure rate ... The Devner Broncos ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Christian postal detectives vs. yoga pants ... Overdetermined: Lampshading Uber Alles vs. Handbook formatting vs. Dater's Handbook thinking, Meet 'n' greet bullshit ... "He's A Killer 4" ... Wine Clown George: Too stuffy for middle management, kinda My Fair Lady, still kinda Keith's boy ... The Swagony of Defeat: Free lampshading with Prime ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: No, absolutely not ... Partner Chat: Cocktail dress, toddler party; Canadian brother; a family divide on embracing linear sincerity ... Rating: 5 stars ... Goodbye to Keith ... Leftovers: Real athletico ... Hal-9000's dinner suite ... Chekhov's Chicken Wing ... John Galt and the Affordable Atlas Shrugged ... Kristoffer Polaha's rescuing wryness ... Pants Spumone ... Jive-ass putt-putt ... "George's uptightness" duel ... MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult • "In A Gadda Da Vida," by Iron Butterfly • "Take It on the Run," by REO Speedwagon • "Third and Wrong" by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne. • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #3 • GET KEITH'S NEW BOOK HERE.

018 - Beasley vs. The Canine Connector Jul 08, 2018

TREVOR "HEGELBON" STRUNK, host of the No Cartridge podcast joins us for 2017's Eat, Play, Love and: Veterinary Professionals' Day! ... Hallmark spousal osmosis ... Sneaky weirdness ... We Rate Dogs: The Movie ... Wisdom by tchochke ... The Expositional Challenge... Very relatable dog-related senior citizen B-plot ... Sexless chat with the pair Most Likely to Get Married ... Peppy ponytail guy, sans ponytail ... Gymboree Club Fed, for dogs ... Emotionally constipated time-travel paradox ... College: The #1 mistake ... Dave's Theory of Hallmark Estrangement Stasis ... Breakup without conflict, reconciliation without effort or apology ... Spot the Angel: Ice cream Michelle vs. Beasley's increasing dog calamities ... Classic Lines: Trendy elementary school glasses, overalls, bad sweaters, comfortable Lindsay Wagner ... Eat Your Heart Out: Crepes? It's crepes!; salad sauce; steak 'n' cantaloupe; "I have so many flavors right now" ... Insulting or pandering? ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Kristi's informercial and Christmastown romance; Tulipomania! ... Overdetermined: Carly's closing "Ich bin ein this dog" speech; dog emotional projection; Kristi's evil; found in a ditch; Beasley knows who loves you ... Build-A-Buré Workshop: A Princess Declawed... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Nope ... Partner Chat: Sharing a story is good, the movie not as much; ad-libbed Twitter bio ... Mike Francesa on Twitter ... Leftovers: It's A Dog's Life With Union Carbide ... Hot or cold? ... The Canine Connector ... Shopping montage ... Plugs and Internet Badboy Jesse Farrar ... It's not Hall of Fame, Veterans Committee, it's not Hall of Fame! ... MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Walking the Dog," by Rufus Thomas • "Wait You Dog," by Mabel John • "The Dog," by Rufus Thomas • "Dog Police," by Dog Police • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #9 • Opening and closing interstitial music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne.

017 - Ohio Magick vs. The Quitting Coven Jul 08, 2018

SARA KATE WILKINSON joins us for 2016's Summer in the City and: Her beautiful mind ... Hey, buddy ... A strangely mature romcom written by a teen (City Girl, Part 2) ... Plot in 60 Seconds... Can't ride bike, can drive commercial truck ... 9/11 Didn't Happen in the Hallmark Universe ... Is it conspiracy, oversight or taste? ... When Manhattan's Manhattan ... The one-chord difference between Hallmark and Lifetime ... Classic Lines: "Smurf Strangulation: An Ann Taylor Loft Mystery" ... The niece theory of wearing everything ... Goth gaucho pants ... It ends with cocaine ... Stately Natasha Henstridge ... Spot the Angel: Old Testament Maniac ... Eat Your Heart Out: "Women Laughing At Salad"; Cincinnati chili, the boldest dietary date move; DiGiorno-ass pizza; Food Doctor Desert Storm; Phil's Target-Rich Eats ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Pam's back-home omni-movie; Did Hallmark's rudest ingenue have sex mid-film?; Christie Burke and Marla Sokoloff Appreciation Station ... The Bullock/Cusack Test: Accidental menace cut with "fear of New York" ... The quitter moment ... Overdetermined: "How DARE you encourage me, The Insane Quitter" vs. "Drug Addicted White Slaver" vs. The Expanse vs. Lifetime Creep ... Crossover... Bechdel Test: Yes! ... Partner Chat: Peppa Pig, don't roast The Gap, implied fringe, Mother Goose Club ... Leftovers!: Fake Google spotted ... Online presence, no store ... VIRTUAL REALITY ... What were you doing with your dream, Taylor? ... Cleaning the rummage room in a non-9/11 reality ... Cookie bait again ... Unironic Kimmy Schmidt ... Chili/Cuban reprise ... Amblin' divas ... Unrelated implied women's cult ... Rental snob ... Two listings and out ... LYLAS! ... MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Wan tIt," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Cities in Dust" by Siouxie and the Banshees • "Blood Bitch," by Cocteau Twins • "Happy House," by Siouxie and the Banshees • "The Movement of Fear," by Tones on Tail • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #8 • Opening and closing interstitial music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne.

Merry Christmas! Jul 08, 2018

Welcome to our podcast and to the silly, sweet, extremely gentle and sometimes accidentally menacing world of Hallmark Original Movies. This podcast began as Patreon bonus content, and nearly 24 hours of podcasts strung over 18 episodes (and featuring guests like CNN's Andy Levy, Deadspin founder Will Leitch, Mic Dicta co-host Charles Star, and Tara Ariano and Sarah D. Bunting of Previously.TV) can still be found at Patreon.com/ThisWeekInAtrocity, as well as upcoming full-episode reviews of TNT's The Last Ship and longer interviews.

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