It’s All Your Fault: High Conflict People

Family Court Q&A: Parental Alienation, Abuse Claims, and When to Stop Fighting Nov 21, 2024

Tackling Listener Questions on High Conflict Personalities in Family Law

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter address questions from two listeners about high conflict personalities in family law. They dive into the complexities of parental alienation, domestic violence allegations, and when to stop fighting in court.

Listener Question 1: Understanding Parental Alienation and Estrangement

The first listener asks about the confusion surrounding parental alienation. Bill defines key terms: "refuse and resist," parental alienation, and realistic estrangement. He explains the differences between alienation caused by one parent's behavior and estrangement resulting from a parent's own actions, such as domestic violence or child abuse.

Listener Question 2: When to Stop Fighting in Court

The second listener, from Australia, asks when to give up the fight with a high conflict ex-partner who continues to violate court orders. Bill and Megan address the issue of "legal abuse" and the limitations of the court system in handling these situations effectively.

Questions We Answer in This Episode:

What is the difference between parental alienation and realistic estrangement?
How common are false allegations of abuse in family court?
When should you stop fighting in court with a high conflict ex-partner?

Key Takeaways:

Consider all possibilities in each case without presumptions.
Parental alienation and domestic violence both exist and require careful assessment.
Fighting in court for more than two years may be counterproductive.
Obtain transcripts of court hearings to address false statements or bad decisions.

This episode provides valuable insights for anyone navigating high conflict personalities in family law. Bill and Megan offer a balanced perspective, emphasizing the need for an open mind and case-by-case analysis.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- Don’t Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High-Conflict Divorce
- The High-Conflict Co-Parenting Survival Guide
COURSES
- New Ways for Families Course + Coaching for Co-Parents
- Conflict Influencer Class
OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing general patterns of behavior. Nor are we providing legal of therapeutic advice. Please seek the assistance of your local professionals to seek help.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:36) - Listener Questions
(01:18) - Question 1: Parental Alienation
(22:50) - Question 2: When to Give In
(31:33) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: More Listener Questions

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Paranoid Personality Profiles: 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life (Part 7) Nov 14, 2024

Paranoid High Conflict Personalities: Navigating Mistrust and Suspicion

In the final episode of their "Five Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life" series, Bill and Megan explore the world of paranoid high conflict personalities. They offer insights on identifying and managing these challenging relationships, explaining that individuals with paranoid traits exhibit pervasive mistrust and suspicion, often believing others are conspiring against them.

Bill and Megan provide strategies for dealing with paranoid high conflict personalities, such as clear communication, setting boundaries, and seeking support. They also discuss the impact of technology and social media on paranoid thinking.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What are the key characteristics of paranoid high conflict personalities?
How can you manage relationships with these individuals?
What resources are available for those dealing with paranoid high conflict personalities?

Key Takeaways:

Paranoid high conflict personalities are characterized by pervasive mistrust and suspicion.
Clear communication and boundary-setting are crucial in managing these relationships.
Seek support and resources when dealing with paranoid high conflict personalities.

As the conclusion to the "Five Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life" series, this episode empowers listeners to navigate challenging interactions with paranoid high conflict personalities, providing practical strategies and a deeper understanding of this personality type.

Links & Other Notes

Bill’s guest spot on Dr. Andrew Huberman’s “Huberman Lab” podcast
BOOKS
- 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
- It's All Your Fault!
ARTICLES
- Living With Suspicion: Paranoid High Conflict People
- Compassion for High Conflict People
CLASSES
- Conflict Influencer
OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing general patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:46) - 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Paranoid
(01:22) - Bill's Guest Appearance
(06:17) - Paranoid HCPs
(10:09) - In a Romantic Relationship
(12:05) - Stats
(14:43) - Mistrust
(16:32) - Targets of Blame
(20:17) - Targeting
(26:18) - What Can You Do
(31:11) - Example
(36:09) - Wrap Up
(36:33) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Asked and Answered

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Histrionics Unveiled: The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life (Part 6) Nov 07, 2024

The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life Series: Histrionic High Conflict Personalities

In this installment of "The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life" series, Megan and Bill explore the world of histrionic high conflict personalities. They discuss the key characteristics of histrionics, including exaggerated emotions, a constant need for attention, and a tendency to misjudge relationships.

Surprisingly, despite cultural stereotypes, research shows histrionic personality disorder is equally common in men and women. Bill and Megan also delve into how social media and influencer culture can feed histrionic tendencies, while emphasizing that having some traits doesn't necessarily indicate a disorder.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What defines a histrionic personality?
Is histrionic personality disorder more common in men or women?
How can you deal with exhausting histrionic behavior?

Key Takeaways:

Histrionic personalities are characterized by drama and a need for attention.
Histrionic personality disorder involves a pattern of blaming others.
Setting clear boundaries is crucial when dealing with histrionic behavior.

Whether you have a histrionic person in your life or want to learn more about high conflict personalities, this episode offers valuable insights and practical strategies for navigating these challenging dynamics.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
- It's All Your Fault!
ARTICLES
- Dealing with Drama: Histrionic High Conflict People
- Living with High-Conflict People Series: Do’s and Don’ts for living with a Histrionic High-Conflict Person
OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing general patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:38) - 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Histrionic
(01:30) - What Is Histrionic?
(08:33) - Misjudgment of Relationships
(11:14) - Drawing Others In
(13:16) - In Daily Life
(15:34) - Frequency
(19:05) - Men and Women
(23:22) - Ancient Histrionic Personalities and Influencers
(27:47) - Skills to Relieve Exhaustion
(29:57) - Negative Advocates
(31:12) - Lying and Exaggeration
(32:27) - Paul McCartney
(35:08) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Paranoid Personalities

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Unmasking the Narcissist: The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life (Part 5) Oct 31, 2024

Navigating Narcissistic High Conflict Personalities

In this revealing episode of "It's All Your Fault," part of the Five Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life series, Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy explore the world of narcissistic high conflict personalities. They delve into the key traits of narcissists, the distinction between grandiose and vulnerable narcissists, and the potential connection between narcissistic personalities and domestic violence.

Recognizing Narcissistic High Conflict Personalities

Bill and Megan outline the defining characteristics of narcissistic high conflict personalities, such as their incessant need to feel superior, their sense of entitlement, and their lack of empathy. They explain how these individuals often exploit and mistreat others to preserve their grandiose self-image and how they respond when confronted with perceived challenges to their superiority.

The Two Faces of Narcissism: Grandiose vs. Vulnerable

Not all narcissists are alike. Bill and Megan explore the contrasts between grandiose and vulnerable narcissists. Grandiose narcissists tend to be more calculated and predatory in their actions, while vulnerable narcissists are generally more reactive and emotionally unstable. Grasping these nuances can be essential in recognizing and handling high conflict personalities.

Narcissism in Various Contexts

Narcissistic personalities can be encountered in various aspects of life, but some fields and occupations appear to draw them more than others. Bill and Megan discuss the prevalence of narcissists in healthcare, higher education, and the tech industry, and how these individuals can foster toxic work environments and strained relationships.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What defines narcissistic high conflict personalities?
How do grandiose and vulnerable narcissists differ in their conduct?
Which fields and occupations are more likely to attract narcissistic personalities?
Is there a link between narcissism and domestic violence?
How can you identify and cope with a narcissistic high conflict personality?

Key Takeaways:

Narcissistic high conflict personalities constantly strive to feel superior and entitled.
They often lack empathy and manipulate others to uphold their inflated self-image.
Grandiose narcissists are more calculated, while vulnerable narcissists are more reactive.
Some fields, like healthcare and higher education, may attract more narcissists.
Recognizing the differences between narcissistic personalities can aid in identifying and managing them.

This episode offers valuable insights into the intricate realm of narcissistic high conflict personalities. Whether you're navigating a relationship with a narcissist in your personal life or at work, Bill and Megan's expertise and practical guidance can help you manage these challenging interactions and safeguard your well-being.

Links & Other Notes

COURSES
- Conversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 Experts
- Handling Family Law Cases Involving Narcissistic High Conflict People
BOOKS
ARTICLES
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELP
- National Domestic Violence Hotline
  - 800.799.SAFE (7233) USA
- Services Australia
- Family Violence Resources Canada
- OTHER COUNTRIES: do an online search for “domestic violence in ___ (your country or city’s name)”
OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing general patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:38) - 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life Part 6
(01:18) - Narcissistic HCPs
(02:48) - Social Impairment and/or Internal Distress
(04:55) - See Themselves as Superior
(12:02) - Feeling Entitled to Special Treatment
(13:16) - Lacking Empathy
(21:12) - Stats
(24:06) - The Two Types
(27:17) - Lying
(29:41) - Apologizing
(32:56) - Domestic Violence
(35:05) - Stalking
(35:55) - Letting Go of Relationships
(40:06) - Signs If It’s Your Partner
(44:05) - Steps to Take
(46:24) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: A Special Guest

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Asked and Answered: Your Questions on High Conflict Personalities, Relationships, and Self-Improvement Oct 24, 2024

Megan Answers Your Questions About High Conflict Personalities

In this special "Asked and Answered" episode of It's All Your Fault, Megan Hunter flies solo to address listener questions about dealing with high conflict personalities. She shares expert insights to help listeners navigate challenging relationships, from understanding and overcoming high conflict behaviors to minimizing damage in high conflict co-parenting situations. She also advises on navigating borderline personality disorder in relationships and the challenges of blending families and building bonds.

Questions we answer in this episode:

How can I change my high conflict behaviors?
What should I do to minimize damage to my child when co-parenting with a high conflict person?
How do I inform someone they have borderline personality disorder?
How can I navigate the challenges of blending families and building bonds?

Key Takeaways:

Self-awareness is crucial in recognizing and changing high conflict behaviors.
Seek professional help, such as therapy or coaching, to work on emotion regulation and flexible thinking.
Avoid informing someone they have a personality disorder, as this can escalate conflict.
Focus on self-improvement and role modeling healthy behaviors for children.
Building trust and bonds in blended families takes time and patience.

This episode offers invaluable insights and practical advice for anyone struggling with high conflict personalities in their lives. Megan's expert perspective and compassionate approach provide listeners with the tools and resources they need to navigate challenging relationships and work towards positive change.

Links & Other Notes

COURSES FOR HELPING FAMILIES IN HIGH-CONFLICT SITUATIONS
- For co-parenting: New Ways for Families®(online self-paced class or take with a coach)
- For families who want to stay together: New Ways for Families®—Together
BOOKS
- The Big Book on Borderline Personality Disorder(also available on Amazon or wherever books are sold)
- The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner (also available on Amazon or wherever books are sold)
ORGANIZATIONS WHO HELP
Check out Huberman Lab podcast! Bill’s guest appearance goes live October 28th
OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing general patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:41) - Asked and Answered
(02:42) - Question #1
(10:00) - Question #2
(17:58) - Question #3
(23:03) - Question #4
(28:17) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Co-Parenting By Design

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Empowering Domestic Violence Victims: Law Enforcement Strategies for High Conflict Situations with Nick Hartbauer Oct 17, 2024

Domestic Violence: A Closer Look from the Perspective of Law Enforcement

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan are joined by special guest Nick Hartbauer, a law enforcement officer with 16 years of experience, to discuss domestic violence calls and how understanding high conflict personalities can help victims and law enforcement navigate these challenging situations more effectively.

Identifying High Conflict Personalities in Domestic Violence Calls

Nick shares his journey of discovering the concept of high conflict personalities through Bill's books and how this knowledge has transformed his approach to handling domestic violence calls. He explains how recognizing patterns of unmanaged emotions, all-or-nothing thinking, and blaming others has helped him identify high conflict individuals and better support victims.

Empowering Victims Through Understanding

One of the most significant insights Nick gained from learning about high conflict personalities is the importance of helping victims understand that their abusive partner is unlikely to change. By sharing this knowledge with victims, Nick has empowered many to leave abusive relationships and move forward with their lives.

Navigating Domestic Violence Calls: Strategies and Observations

Nick walks listeners through the process of responding to both low-risk and high-risk domestic violence calls, highlighting the importance of separating the parties involved and listening for signs of high conflict behavior, such as lying, manipulation, and lack of responsibility. He also shares how he assesses the situation to determine who the true victim is in each case.

Questions we answer in this episode:

How can understanding high conflict personalities help law enforcement handle domestic violence calls more effectively?
What are some signs that a person involved in a domestic violence call may have a high conflict personality?
How can law enforcement officers empower victims of domestic violence?
What strategies do law enforcement officers use to navigate domestic violence calls and determine who the true victim is?
How common is it for the suspect in a domestic violence call to lie or manipulate the situation?

Key Takeaways:

Recognizing patterns of high conflict behavior can help law enforcement better support victims of domestic violence.
Helping victims understand that their abusive partner is unlikely to change can empower them to leave the relationship.
Separating the parties involved in a domestic violence call is crucial for gathering accurate information.
Law enforcement officers must listen carefully for signs of lying, manipulation, and lack of responsibility to determine who the true victim is.
While not all suspects lie, many will attempt to manipulate the situation or blame the victim entirely.

This episode provides invaluable insights into the complexities of domestic violence calls and how understanding high conflict personalities can make a significant difference in the lives of victims. By sharing his expertise and experiences, Nick Hartbauer offers listeners a unique perspective on the challenges law enforcement faces and the strategies they employ to navigate these difficult situations effectively.

About Nick

Nick Hartbauer has been in Law Enforcement for 16 years. He began his career working in a detention center and quickly transitioned to a Patrol position. During his time in law enforcement, Nick served as an Operator on his agency's Emergency Response Team (aka S.W.A.T) and was trained as a sniper. He also spent five years as a Narcotics Detective, working undercover investigations at both the local and federal levels. During this time, Nick assisted in an FBI investigation involving political corruption where corrupt law enforcement officers were assisting drug cartels.

In addition to his investigative work, Nick served as a training officer on Patrol and during his time as a Narcotics Detective. He was also an instructor for his agency's undercover school. Nick spent time on the Impact team for his agency, conducting uniformed property crime investigations, and briefly assisted the Property Crimes Detectives.

In recent years, Nick has focused on victims' crimes while working on patrol, with a particular emphasis on domestic violence investigations. He developed a passion for this area of work as he learned more about the High Conflict Personality Theory from the High Conflict Institute. Nick has incorporated the knowledge gained from the High Conflict Institute into his investigations and training of new officers.

Links & Other Notes

High Conflict and Intimate Partner Violence: The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life (Part 4) Oct 10, 2024

The Intersection of High Conflict Personalities and Domestic Violence

In this compelling episode, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter dive into the complex relationship between high conflict personalities and domestic violence. They explore how individuals who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) may contribute to intimate partner violence (IPV), while emphasizing the importance of distinguishing between high conflict families and domestic violence cases.

Bill and Megan discuss the challenges faced by professionals in identifying the true perpetrator in a domestic violence situation, as well as the underlying fears and motivations that may drive abusive behavior in individuals with these personality types. They also address the issue of accountability and the potential benefits of group therapy for individuals who have BPD.

Questions we answer in this episode:

How do high conflict personalities relate to domestic violence?
What role do individuals who have BPD and ASPD play in intimate partner violence?
What are effective interventions for perpetrators of domestic violence?

Key Takeaways:

Distinguishing between high conflict families and domestic violence cases is crucial.
Individuals who have BPD and ASPD have a higher incidence of IPV perpetration.
Setting limits and imposing consequences are essential for holding perpetrators accountable.

This episode offers valuable insights into the complexities of domestic violence and high conflict personalities, making it a must-listen for anyone navigating these challenges.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
COURSES
ARTICLES
OUR WEBSITE
- https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
QUESTIONS
- Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:38) - The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life Part 4
(01:26) - Domestic Violence and HCPs
(03:49) - Bill’s Background
(06:48) - Stats
(09:23) - Anti-Social
(14:38) - Verbally Abusive
(16:42) - Accountability
(18:53) - Disruptive
(20:21) - When Law Enforcement’s Involved
(23:07) - Borderline Personality
(27:11) - More Reactive
(28:12) - Remorse
(29:35) - Can't Control Themselves
(31:00) - Generalizations
(31:32) - When in One of These Relationships
(36:03) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Law Enforcement Guest

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The High-Conflict Borderline Personality: The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life (Part 3) Oct 03, 2024

The Love You Hate You Types - High Conflict Borderline Personalities

In this episode of "It's All Your Fault," Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter explore the world of high conflict borderline personality types, also known as the "Love You Hate You" types. They provide insights and strategies for dealing with these challenging individuals who can quickly turn from charming to rage-filled.

Understanding the High Conflict Borderline Personality

Bill and Megan discuss the defining characteristics of individuals with high conflict borderline personality, including their struggle with emotional regulation and tendency to see people in all-or-nothing terms. They note that while not all individuals with borderline personality disorder have a high conflict personality, more than half of them do, making it a significant concern in interpersonal relationships.

Navigating Relationships and Key Takeaways

The hosts provide examples of how high conflict borderline personalities may behave in various settings and discuss the concept of "splitting" and the propensity for lying and seeking revenge. They offer key takeaways, such as setting boundaries and the possibility of treatment and recovery for those affected.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What are the defining characteristics of high conflict borderline personalities?
How prevalent is borderline personality disorder, and what percentage also have a high conflict personality?
Why do high conflict borderline personalities often engage in lying and seeking revenge?

Key Takeaways:

High conflict borderline personalities often struggle with emotional regulation and see people in all-or-nothing terms.
Lying and seeking revenge are common behaviors stemming from a fear of abandonment.
Treatment and recovery are possible for individuals with high conflict borderline personality disorder.

This episode provides valuable information and insights for anyone dealing with a high conflict borderline personality in their life, offering strategies for managing these challenging relationships and maintaining well-being.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
COURSES
- Strategies for Helping Clients with Borderline Personalities in Divorce
- Conflict Influencer™ Class
ARTICLES
OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:37) - 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life Part 3
(01:10) - Borderline Personality
(07:39) - What does the term mean?
(08:50) - Looking for Connection
(10:42) - Statistics
(14:03) - High Sensitivity
(16:26) - Splitting
(18:22) - Lying
(22:01) - Apologizing
(24:47) - Why Vindictive?
(28:40) - Finding Success
(32:46) - Empathy
(35:02) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Domestic Violence

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The Antisocial Personality: The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life (Part 2) Sep 26, 2024

The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life Series: Unmasking the Cruel Con Artist

In the second episode of the "5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life" series, Bill and Megan focus on one of the most challenging and dangerous high conflict personality types: those with antisocial personality traits, also known as cruel con artists. They explore what defines this personality type, how to identify the red flags, and most importantly, what you can do to protect yourself from their manipulative tactics.

Bill and Megan start by discussing the key characteristics of people with antisocial personality traits, including their lack of empathy, remorse, and their tendency to lie and deceive without hesitation. They note that while not all individuals with antisocial traits are violent criminals, many engage in secretive behaviors that can be extremely harmful to those close to them.

One of the main challenges with those who have antisocial personality traits is their ability to charm and manipulate others. Bill and Megan emphasize the importance of looking beyond surface-level charm and conducting thorough background checks when entering into any significant relationship, whether personal or professional.

They also discuss the confusion and self-doubt that often arise when dealing with someone who has antisocial personality traits. Megan shares a personal experience of feeling confused and questioning her own perceptions when interacting with someone who exhibited these traits.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What are the key characteristics of someone with antisocial personality traits?
How can you identify if someone you know might have antisocial personality traits?
What are some common manipulative tactics used by people with antisocial personality traits?
How can you protect yourself from being conned or harmed by someone with antisocial personality traits?
What should you do if you suspect you're in a relationship with someone who has antisocial personality traits?

Key Takeaways:

People with antisocial personality traits lack empathy, remorse, and frequently lie and deceive others.
Charm and manipulation are common traits, making it essential to look beyond surface-level impressions.
Background checks and seeking input from others who know the person are crucial when entering significant relationships.
Trust your gut feelings if something seems "off" or too good to be true.
Prioritize self-protection and set clear boundaries when dealing with individuals suspected of having antisocial personality traits.

This episode provides invaluable insights into the complex and often dangerous world of those with antisocial personality traits. As part of the "5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life" series, it helps listeners understand the unique challenges posed by this specific high conflict personality type. By recognizing the red flags, common manipulative tactics, and the importance of self-protection, listeners will be better equipped to navigate relationships with these individuals. Bill and Megan's expertise and practical advice make this a must-listen for anyone looking to safeguard themselves and their loved ones from the devastating impact of cruel con artists.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
COURSES
- Handling Family Law Cases Involving Antisocial High Conflict People
CONSULTATIONS
- Consultation with Bill or Megan
ARTICLES
OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:35) - The Antisocial Type
(01:08) - The Problem
(06:06) - Antisocial, Sociopath, and Psychopath
(08:00) - Categories of Behavior
(11:50) - Impact on Others
(13:05) - Generally the Worst
(14:40) - Against Society's Rules
(17:59) - Counseling
(19:48) - Identifying
(27:00) - What You Can Do
(30:40) - Saying Something
(32:47) - Bit of Wisdom
(35:15) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Borderline Personality Types

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Recognizing High Conflict Patterns: The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life (Part 1) Sep 19, 2024

Introducing the 5 Types of High Conflict Personalities: Who Can Ruin Your Life? (Part 1)

In this thought-provoking first episode of a new series on It's All Your Fault, Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy, co-founders of the High Conflict Institute, embark on an exploration of the five types of high conflict personalities who can wreak havoc in your life. Drawing from Bill's book "5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life," they provide a broad overview of these challenging personalities, setting the stage for a deeper dive into each type in upcoming episodes.

Understanding High Conflict Personalities
Bill and Megan illuminate the perplexing nature of high conflict personalities, emphasizing that these individuals often lack self-awareness and may not even realize the impact of their behavior on others. They stress the importance of recognizing patterns of behavior rather than focusing on isolated incidents, as high conflict personalities tend to exhibit consistent patterns of blame-shifting, all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, and extreme behaviors.

Navigating Relationships with High Conflict Individuals
Throughout the episode, Bill and Megan offer practical strategies for navigating relationships with high conflict personalities. They caution against common pitfalls, such as attempting to provide insight into the person's behavior or engaging in emotional arguments. Instead, they recommend focusing on the present, offering choices, and using the CARS method (Connect, Analyze, Respond, Set Limits) to de-escalate conflicts and maintain healthy boundaries.

Questions we answer in this episode:

Who are the five types of high conflict personalities that can ruin your life?
What are the defining characteristics of a high conflict personality?
How can I recognize patterns of high conflict behavior?
What are the common mistakes to avoid when dealing with high conflict individuals?
What can I expect from the upcoming episodes in this series?

Key Takeaways:

The five types of high conflict personalities can have a profound negative impact on your life if left unchecked.
High conflict personalities often lack self-awareness and may not realize the impact of their behavior on others.
Recognizing patterns of behavior is crucial when dealing with high conflict individuals.
Avoid trying to provide insight, engaging in emotional arguments, focusing on the past, or labeling the person.
Stay tuned for upcoming episodes that will explore each of the five types in greater depth, providing targeted strategies for managing these specific personalities.

Whether you're dealing with a high conflict partner, family member, coworker, or friend, this episode sets the foundation for understanding and managing these challenging relationships. By introducing the five types of high conflict personalities and providing a broad overview of strategies for dealing with them, Bill and Megan offer listeners a roadmap for the upcoming series, which promises to deliver invaluable insights and tools for navigating life's most difficult interpersonal dynamics.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
ARTICLES
COURSES
OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:35) - 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
(01:14) - Creating Awareness
(05:54) - Starting to See It Differently
(12:09) - Key Characteristics
(21:29) - Options
(22:34) - Four Forget-About-Its
(25:57) - Four Things to Do
(28:56) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Narcissistic High Conflict People

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The High Conflict Personality Experience: Insights from Joe Rogan and Dr. Andrew Huberman Sep 12, 2024

Joe Rogan and Dr. Andrew Huberman Discuss "5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life"

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan discuss a recent Joe Rogan Experience podcast episode featuring Dr. Andrew Huberman. The episode, number 2195, focuses on Bill's book, "5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life," and delves into the topic of high conflict personalities and how they impact our lives.

The High Conflict Personality: Understanding the 10%
Bill and Megan explore the concept of high conflict personalities, which make up approximately 10% of the population. These individuals thrive on drama and conflict, and their behavior is evenly divided between men and women. The hosts break down the different types of high conflict personalities, including borderline, histrionic, narcissistic, and antisocial personality disorders.

Detecting Lies and Manipulation: A Challenging Task
One of the key points discussed in the episode is the difficulty in detecting lies and manipulation, even for trained professionals. Bill emphasizes the importance of being humble about our limitations and consulting experts when necessary. He also notes that changes in a person's behavior can be a potential red flag for lying or dangerous behavior.

Gender Differences in High Conflict Personalities
Bill and Megan delve into the gender differences among high conflict personalities, noting that while some personality disorders, such as narcissistic and antisocial, are more prevalent in men, others, like borderline and histrionic, are evenly distributed between men and women. They also discuss the built-in biases and stereotypes surrounding these personality types.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What are high conflict personalities, and how prevalent are they?
How can we detect lies and manipulation?
Are there gender differences in high conflict personalities?
What role does trauma play in the development of antisocial personality disorder?

Key Takeaways:

High conflict personalities make up approximately 10% of the population
Detecting lies and manipulation is challenging, even for trained professionals
Borderline and histrionic personality disorders are evenly distributed between men and women
Trauma can contribute to the development of antisocial personality disorder, but it is not the only factor

This episode provides invaluable insights into high conflict personalities and how they impact our lives. By understanding the different types of high conflict personalities and their prevalence, listeners can better navigate difficult relationships and protect themselves from manipulation and harm.

Links & Other Notes

JOE ROGAN PODCAST FEATURING ANDREW HUBERMAN
- Joe Rogan Experience #2195 - Andrew Huberman
- Andrew Huberman website
BOOKS
- 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
ARTICLES
- New Ways: training for professionals mediators; workplace leaders; workplace coaches; and divorce coaches and counselors.
OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:38) - Joe and Andrew
(02:37) - Lying
(09:30) - Manipulation
(13:14) - Threat Sensing
(17:40) - Conflict and Drama
(28:46) - Protocols
(33:50) - Spidey Senses
(34:33) - Bill’s Book
(35:10) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Five Types of People that can Ruin Your Life

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Navigating High Conflict Loved Ones: Answering Listener Questions Sep 05, 2024

Navigating High Conflict Relationships

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan from the High Conflict Institute tackle two listeners' questions about managing challenging relationships with high conflict personalities (HCPs). They provide insights and strategies for setting boundaries, managing expectations, and maintaining a healthy connection.

Understanding High Conflict Personalities
Bill and Megan discuss how high conflict personalities can be found across all levels of intelligence and occupations. They emphasize the importance of recognizing the range of human behavior and focusing on learning how to respond effectively to high conflict situations.

Balancing Closeness and Distance
The hosts explore strategies for navigating relationships with high conflict individuals, such as timing interactions carefully, managing expectations, and maintaining an arm's length relationship. They also suggest seeking support from a counselor who can provide personalized advice.

Questions we answer in this episode:

How do I handle my elderly mother's high conflict behavior and maintain a relationship with her?
Do HCPs understand the gravity of their language during high conflict moments, and do they remember or care afterward?

Key Takeaways:

Setting limits and maintaining an arm's length relationship can minimize emotional rollercoasters.
Finding a balance between closeness and distance is crucial in high conflict relationships.

This episode provides valuable insights and practical strategies for anyone navigating a relationship with a high conflict personality. Listeners can learn to manage challenging relationships more effectively while maintaining their own emotional well-being.

Got an elderly parent whose high conflict behavior makes visits a minefield? Or a sibling who says awful things then reaches out like nothing happened? Bill & Megan tackle listeners' Qs on navigating these tricky relationships.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

COURSES & CLASSES

Conflict Influencer: 6-week class starts September 5
New Ways: training for professionals mediators; workplace leaders; workplace coaches; and divorce coaches and counselors.

OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:35) - Listener Questions
(06:29) - Question One
(27:21) - Question Two
(46:55) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: High Conflict Divorce

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Transforming High Conflict Co-Parenting: Raising Thriving Teens with Kevin Chafin Aug 22, 2024

In this insightful episode of "It's All Your Fault", Megan is joined by special guest Kevin Chafin, a licensed professional counselor from Kansas City, Missouri. With Bill away for the month, Megan and Kevin dive deep into the complexities of co-parenting, particularly when it comes to dealing with teenagers in high conflict situations. Together, they explore effective strategies for managing these challenging dynamics and provide valuable insights for parents navigating these difficult waters.

Understanding the Impact of Divorce on Teens
Megan and Kevin discuss how divorce can have a profound impact on teenagers, especially when it comes to their sense of security and emotional well-being. They emphasize the importance of parents providing a stable and supportive environment during this transformative period, even as the family system shifts from one household to two. Kevin shares his expertise on the developmental challenges that teens face during puberty and how these can be exacerbated by the stress of a family breakup.

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Parentification
One of the key themes explored in this episode is the concept of parentification – when children, particularly teens, are put into the role of a parent. Megan and Kevin delve into how this can happen when parents become emotionally needy and look to their children for support and validation. They discuss the importance of maintaining healthy boundaries and not burdening teens with adult responsibilities or expecting them to choose sides in parental conflicts.

Strategies for Effective Co-Parenting Communication
Megan and Kevin also share practical tips for improving communication between co-parents, drawing on their extensive experience working with families in high conflict situations. They highlight the value of using BIFF responses (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) to keep interactions focused and productive, even in the face of hostility or misinformation. Kevin also shares insights from his work as a mediator and counselor, emphasizing the importance of staying child-centered and avoiding loyalty demands.

Questions we answer in this episode:

How does divorce impact teenagers differently than younger children?
What are the signs that a child is being parentified?
How can co-parents improve communication and reduce conflict?
What strategies can parents use to support their teens during a family breakup?
How can parents avoid putting their teens in the middle of adult conflicts?

Key Takeaways:

Divorce can be especially challenging for teens due to the developmental changes of puberty.
Parentification occurs when children are put into adult roles and expected to emotionally support their parents.
Using BIFF responses can help keep co-parenting communication focused and productive.
Parents should prioritize their child's emotional well-being and avoid loyalty demands.
Seeking support from counselors or mediators can be valuable for high conflict situations.

This episode offers a wealth of knowledge and practical strategies for parents navigating the challenges of co-parenting and raising teens in high conflict situations. With their combined expertise, Megan and Kevin provide a compassionate and informative perspective on these complex issues, offering hope and guidance for families struggling to find their way forward.

Links & Other Notes

AUTHOR WEBSITE
- Kevin Chafin, LPC
- Missouri Chapter, Association of Family & Conciliation Courts
BOOKS
- BIFF for Co-parent Communication
VIDEO
- BIFF video
OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:39) - Kevin Chafin and Co-Parenting
(01:22) - Meet Kevin
(09:26) - The Learning Mind of a Child
(24:04) - Parentification
(35:19) - Clarity
(49:55) - Listen
(50:46) - Wrap Up
(51:05) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Co-Parenting By Design

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Co-Parenting by Design with Lawyers Annette Burns and Nicole Siqueiros-Stoutner Aug 15, 2024

Navigating the Challenges of Co-Parenting: Insights from Annette Burns and Nicole Siqueiros-Stoutner

In this episode of "It's All Your Fault," Megan is joined by two special guests, Annette Burns and Nicole Siqueiros-Stoutner, co-authors of the upcoming book Co-Parenting by Design: The Definitive Guide for Divorced or Separated Parents. Annette and Nicole, both experienced family law attorneys and parenting coordinators, share their insights on navigating the complexities of co-parenting and offer practical advice for parents facing high conflict situations.

Understanding the Role of Parenting Coordinators

Megan, Annette, and Nicole delve into the crucial role of parenting coordinators in helping divorced or separated parents resolve disputes and maintain focus on their children's best interests. They discuss how parenting coordinators act as referees, mediators, and educators, assisting parents in making decisions on issues such as parenting schedules, school choice, and healthcare.

Adapting to Change and Prioritizing Children's Needs

The guests emphasize the importance of adaptability in co-parenting, as children's needs and circumstances evolve over time. They highlight the challenges parents face when adjusting to new situations, such as remarriage, relocation, and changes in parenting time. Annette and Nicole stress the significance of prioritizing children's well-being and maintaining consistency in parenting approaches whenever possible.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What is a parenting coordinator, and how can they help divorced or separated parents?
How can parents navigate changes in their children's lives and adapt their co-parenting strategies?
What is parallel parenting, and when is it an appropriate approach?
How can parents handle disagreements over parenting styles and household rules?
What resources are available for parents struggling with high conflict co-parenting situations?

Key Takeaways:

Parenting coordinators play a vital role in assisting divorced or separated parents in resolving disputes and focusing on their children's best interests.
Adaptability is crucial in co-parenting as children's needs and circumstances change over time.
Parallel parenting can be an effective approach for high conflict situations, but its implementation varies depending on the family's unique dynamics.
Parents should strive for consistency in parenting approaches whenever possible while respecting each other's parenting time and decision-making authority.
Seeking education, resources, and support from professionals can help parents navigate the challenges of high conflict co-parenting.

This episode offers invaluable insights and practical advice for divorced or separated parents facing the challenges of co-parenting. By learning from the expertise of Annette Burns and Nicole Siqueiros-Stoutner, listeners can gain a deeper understanding of how to prioritize their children's well-being, adapt to change, and navigate high conflict situations. Co-Parenting by Design promises to be an essential resource for parents, lawyers, and judges alike, providing guidance and strategies for creating a healthier co-parenting dynamic.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- Co-parenting by Design: The Definitive Guide for Divorced or Separated Parents
GUEST BIOS
- Annette T. Burns, JD
- Nicole Siqueiros-Stoutner
OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:39) - Co-Parenting by Design
(01:14) - Meet Annette and Nicole
(04:14) - How It Came About
(08:56) - Parenting Coordinators
(12:58) - Agreements
(16:53) - Different Rules
(22:00) - Parallel Parenting
(26:16) - Multiple Court Trips
(30:25) - Alienation
(39:36) - Advice on Family Law
(44:10) - The Book
(46:55) - Wrap Up
(47:13) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Co-Parenting By Design

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Asked and Answered: Navigating High Conflict Personalities with Practical Strategies Aug 08, 2024

In this solo episode, Megan Hunter dives into the world of high conflict personalities. With co-host Bill Eddy away, Megan takes the opportunity to answer listener questions and provide valuable insights on identifying and dealing with individuals who exhibit high conflict behaviors. Throughout the episode, she offers practical strategies for managing these challenging interactions and maintaining your own well-being.

Understanding the Five Types of High Conflict Personalities
Megan begins by explaining the five high conflict personality types: those who fear feeling inferior, abandoned, ignored, dominated, and paranoid. She emphasizes that while each type has unique traits, they all share a common pattern of behavior driven by fear. By understanding these underlying fears, listeners can develop more effective approaches to communicating and setting boundaries with high conflict individuals.

Navigating Family Dynamics with High Conflict Personalities
One listener asks for guidance on dealing with a high conflict family member who acts as an "emotional bully." Megan advises using the EAR (Empathy, Attention, Respect) method to connect with the individual and help them regulate their emotions. However, she also stresses the importance of setting clear limits and imposing consequences when necessary to avoid being manipulated or bullied.

Strategies for Professional Settings
Another listener, who works in public relations for a municipality, seeks advice on interacting with a high conflict council member. Megan recommends implementing a respectful meeting policy and using the CARS (Connecting, Analyzing options, Responding to misinformation, Setting limits) method. By employing these strategies consistently, staff and department heads can maintain a productive work environment while minimizing the impact of disruptive behavior.

Coping with a High Conflict Adult Child
A listener shares their experience with a mid-30s daughter who exhibits high conflict behaviors consistent with borderline personality disorder. While Megan acknowledges the complexity and emotional challenges of such a situation, she offers hope by suggesting strategies to maintain a loving relationship while setting necessary boundaries. This includes focusing on one's own well-being, seeking support from professionals and support groups, and consistently applying the communication techniques discussed throughout the episode.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What are the five types of high conflict personalities and how do they differ?
How can I foster a connection with a high conflict individual without enabling their behavior?
What strategies can I use to set boundaries with a high conflict family member?
How should staff and department heads interact with a high conflict council member in a professional setting?

Key Takeaways:

High conflict personalities are driven by underlying fears that shape their behavior patterns.
The EAR method can help establish a connection and regulate emotions in high conflict situations.
Setting clear limits and imposing consequences are crucial for preventing manipulation and bullying.
The CARS method and respectful meeting policies are effective tools for managing high conflict individuals in professional settings.

This episode offers invaluable insights for anyone struggling to navigate relationships with high conflict personalities. By understanding the root causes of their behavior and employing the strategies discussed, listeners can develop healthier, more productive interactions with these individuals. Megan's expertise and practical advice make this an essential listen for anyone seeking to improve their communication skills and maintain their well-being in challenging situations.

Links & Other Notes

“LIVE” CLASSES/COURSES

Conflict Influencer - 6-week “live” class taught by Megan Hunter (focuses on learning the simple and necessary high-conflict skills)
Bullies Series
- Bully Dynamics in Families - 4 classes in September
- Bully Dynamics in Communities - 4 classes in October
- Bully Dynamics in the Workplace- 4 classes in November

BOOKS

ARTICLES

Respectful Meeting Policy

OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:42) - Listener Questions

REBROADCAST: Red Flags in Adult Relationships: Understanding Relationship Violence, Part 1 Aug 01, 2024

This is a rebroadcast. This episode originally aired February 8, 2024. Visit our site to hear part two, or find it on your podcatcher.

Bill and Megan explore the complex issue of relationship violence, focusing on factors that may predict aggressive behaviors and how to identify potentially abusive relationships. In this first part of a two-part discussion, they examine relationship violence through the lens of adult intimate partner relationships. The second part will focus specifically on teen dating violence. Bill and Megan provide research-informed insights to help us understand the roots of relationship violence and identify unhealthy patterns early on.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What personality disorders or traits are associated with an increased risk for domestic violence?
How can you spot early warning signs of a potentially abusive partner?
What is coercive control and how does it relate to domestic violence?
What happens in the brain when someone lacks impulse control?
How can we avoid “jamming our own radar” in relationships?

Key Takeaways:

Not everyone with a personality disorder will become abusive, but certain disorders like antisocial and borderline PD are risk factors.
Pay attention to charm, immediate strong attachment, and “love bombing” as possible red flags when dating.
Coercive control refers to non-physical ways an abuser maintains power, like isolation, verbal threats, financial control.
Impulse control problems may stem from an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex or traumatic childhood experiences.
Going through personal crises or having unrealistic relationship expectations can blind us to warning signs.

In part one of this vital two-part discussion, Bill and Megan provide research-informed insights to help us understand the roots of relationship violence and identify unhealthy patterns early on. Tune in to gain knowledge that could help you or someone you care about build healthy, safe relationships.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- Dating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to “The One” Who Will Make Your Life Hell
  - available in paperback, audio, and e-book anywhere books are sold. Here are a few places you can get it.
  - Get it on High Conflict Institute site
  - On Amazon US
  - On Amazon Australia
  - On Amazon Canada
DATING RADAR SURVEY RESULTS
- Read results from entire survey here (scroll and click on “Read Dating Radar Survey Results”)
HOTLINE
- US Domestic Violence Hotline
- US Hotline #: 800-799-7233
ARTICLES
COURSES
- Conversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 Experts
- Mediation in Domestic Violence Cases
LIVE LAB
- Live Lab: 1:1 coaching sessions to learn to use BIFF Responses, EAR Statements, and to set limits
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:30) - Relationship Violence Part 1: Adults
(03:46) - Survey Results
(09:15) - What Jams Our Radar?
(14:55) - Impulse Control
(20:44) - Factors in Violent Tendencies
(29:54) - Domestic Violence in Family Law
(34:48) - How Do You Know You’re in a Domestic Violence Relationship?
(36:44) - Coercive Controlling Violence
(40:48) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Relationship Violence Part 2: Teens

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

REBROADCAST: Setting Limits Without Going Over the Line Jul 25, 2024

This is a rebroadcast. This episode originally aired February 1, 2024.

Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter tackle an important but tricky topic in this episode - how to set healthy boundaries with others when tensions run high. Whether it's a contentious divorce, difficult coworker, or suspected lies, Bill and Megan provide realistic examples and actionable advice to constructively handle high-conflict situations. Tune in to learn techniques to establish boundaries while remaining calm and keeping conflicts small. This episode delivers takeaways anyone can apply to enhance their most challenging relationships.

They provide tips across three common scenarios:

Co-parenting after divorce: Look to standards or common practices as a starting point. Focus on protecting the children and not discussing certain topics in front of them. You can only control your own behavior - walk away if tensions escalate.
Workplace conflicts: Practice using the BIF (brief, informative, friendly, firm) method in emails or conversations. Don't engage in unnecessary battles - end conversations if needed.
Suspected lies: Always consider three perspectives - it could be true, false, or somewhere in between. Don't react emotionally or you may become a target of blame. Reality test tactfully if needed.

Bill and Megan stress practicing these techniques and finding simple but memorable phrases to use when setting boundaries. Their realistic examples and actionable advice provide takeaways anyone can apply to enhance their most challenging relationships.

Links & Other Notes

LIVE LAB: 1:1 coaching to learn skills (setting limits, BIFF Responses, CalmB4Think)
ARTICLE: 12 Tips for Co-Parent Boundaries
ARTICLE: Need to Set Limits With a High Conflict Person? Give ‘Em Your EAR
ARTICLE: 4 Ways to Set Limits at Work
COURSE: Conflict Influencer™ Certification
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:30) - Kicking Off Season Four
(02:06) - Setting Limits in High Conflict Situations
(02:55) - Co-Parenting
(10:55) - The Work World
(16:51) - Lying
(27:24) - Wrapping Up
(27:56) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Relationship Violence

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

REBROADCAST: Walking Away Jul 18, 2024

This is a rebroadcast. This episode originally aired August 3, 2023.

Some relationships with high conflict people reach a point where the only one getting frustrated and hurt is YOU.

It is okay to walk away? Are some relationships so damaging that staying in them is damaging to you? Will the guilt draw you back under their spell? Will it trigger abandonment, inferiority, or other issues in the person with a high conflict personality, and possibly backfire on you?

Bill and Megan discuss this tricky topic in relation to family, friend and other relationships. How do you know when the time is right? Should you continue trying to reconcile or just stop? And what steps should be taken if you choose to walk away? Listen in as Megan and Bill explore this sensitive, critical subject.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
ON DEMAND COURSES
- How to Write a BIFF Response
- The Brain 101: How to Communicate Effectively
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:20) - Walking Away
(02:57) - When Can You Walk Away?
(06:37) - When They're Part of Your Faith-Based Community
(09:07) - Hitting the Point
(12:25) - Things to Consider With the Five Types
(18:17) - Think It Through
(19:51) - When Really Emotionally Hooked
(23:41) - Step by Step
(24:58) - Setting LImits
(25:56) - Last Thoughts
(26:56) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Splitting

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

REBROADCAST: Let a Win Be a Win in High Conflict Jul 11, 2024

This is a rebroadcast. This episode originally aired May 11, 2023.

The definition of a “win” is different in high conflict situations as opposed to ordinary conflict. Not recognizing that a win looks quite different can inadvertently escalate conflict or take a few steps backwards.

In today’s episode, Megan and Bill talk about:

defining what it means to “win” in high conflict
do you need to reach an expected outcome to have success
temptation to keep going when you should stop
when do you know if you’ve won
choosing your battles
avoid opening up emotions
focusing on keeping people focused on thinking and doing

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
ARTICLES
- Tips On Offering Mediation To A High Conflict Employee
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(03:12) - How to Avoid Sabotaging a Successful Interaction
(04:20) - Definition of a Win in High Conflict Situations
(06:57) - Choosing Your Battles
(08:52) - Praise vs. Opening Up Emotions
(11:12) - Making Progress, Not Perfection
(13:59) - Fuhgedaboudits
(19:28) - Blame as Indicator
(22:17) - Coming Next Week: Exposure and Humiliation as a High-Conflict Strategy

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

World of Bullies #5: Strategies for Dealing with Bully Neighbors Jul 04, 2024

Dealing with Bully Neighbors: Strategies for Resolving Conflicts

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter dive into the world of bully neighbors and explore effective strategies for managing these challenging situations. As co-founders of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California, Bill and Megan share their expertise on navigating high conflict personalities and offer practical advice for listeners dealing with difficult neighbors.

Identifying Bullying Behavior in Neighbors
Bill and Megan discuss common scenarios that can trigger bullying behavior among neighbors, such as disputes over property lines, noise complaints, and pet-related issues. They emphasize the importance of recognizing patterns of bullying and not automatically assuming that a neighbor's actions are intentionally malicious.

Resolving Neighbor Conflicts
Bill and Megan outline a step-by-step approach to resolving conflicts with bully neighbors, starting with a calm, direct conversation to address the issue. If the conversation is unsuccessful or unsafe, they suggest considering mediation through a community mediation center, consulting with a lawyer to understand legal options, and involving law enforcement if the situation escalates or if there are threats to safety. As a last resort, they recommend considering moving to a new location if the conflict remains unresolved and is severely impacting your well-being.

Throughout the episode, Bill and Megan emphasize the importance of maintaining a strategic, non-judgmental approach when dealing with bully neighbors. They highlight the role of empathy and the need for clear consequences to curb bullying behavior.

Questions we answer in this episode:

How can I protect myself and my family from a bully neighbor?
Is moving away a viable option when dealing with an unresolved neighbor conflict?

Key Takeaways:

Set clear limits and consequences for bullying behavior
Consider moving as a last resort for your well-being

This episode offers valuable insights and practical strategies for anyone struggling with a bully neighbor. By understanding the dynamics of high conflict personalities and following the expert advice provided by Bill and Megan, listeners can feel empowered to take steps towards resolving their neighbor conflicts and maintaining a peaceful living environment.

*Note: The episode contains a sensitive story involving animal cruelty that may be disturbing to some listeners. While relevant to the topic, it's important to provide a content warning before discussing this particular example.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- Our New World of Adult Bullies—How to Spot Them/How to Stop Them (June 2024) By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
BULLY DYNAMICS WEBINARS
- Bully Dynamics in Families (September - will be 4 sessions over 4 weeks)
- Bully Dynamics at Work (October - will be 4 sessions over 4 weeks)
- Bully Dynamics in Communities (November - will be 4 sessions over 4 weeks)
ARTICLES
OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:38) - World of Bullies #5: Bullies as Neighbors
(01:18) - Bullies as Neighbors
(07:49) - Community Mediation Centers
(10:15) - Real World Examples
(16:40) - Listener Question
(24:19) - Bullies Don’t Connect the Dots
(26:14) - Escalation
(29:52) - Wrap Up
(30:44) - Reminders

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

World of Bullies #4: Recognizing and Confronting Bullying Behavior in Leaders Jun 27, 2024

Bullies as Leaders in Organizations

In this episode, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter explore the topic of bullies as leaders in organizations. They discuss the ancient personality traits that drive bullies to seek leadership positions, the impact they have on their organizations, and strategies for addressing their behavior.

Recognizing and Addressing Bully Behavior in Leaders

Bill and Megan emphasize the importance of recognizing bully behavior in leaders and taking action to address it. They stress the need for organizations to have clear policies, set limits, and impose consequences for bullying behavior to create a healthy work environment.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What ancient personality traits do bully leaders possess?
How can organizations address bully behavior in leaders?

Key Takeaways:

Bullies often seek leadership positions due to their desire to dominate and inspire loyalty.
Clear policies, setting limits, and imposing consequences are crucial for creating a healthy work environment.

Introducing New Ways for Work for Leaders

Bill and Megan introduce their upcoming training program, New Ways for Work for Leaders, which focuses on helping leaders manage high conflict situations and create a bully-proofed environment.

This episode provides valuable insights into the complex issue of bullies as leaders in organizations. Bill and Megan's expertise and practical advice make this episode a must-listen for anyone dealing with high conflict personalities in leadership positions.

Links & Other Notes

COURSE
- New Ways for Work® for Leaders: Training in July 2024
BOOKS
- Our New World of Adult Bullies—How to Spot Them/How to Stop Them (June 2024) By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
BULLY DYNAMICS WEBINARS
- Bully Dynamics at Work (October - will be 4 sessions over 4 weeks)
- Bully Dynamics in Families (September - will be 4 sessions over 4 weeks)
- Bully Dynamics in Communities (November - will be 4 sessions over 4 weeks)
ARTICLES
COACHING CURRICULUM
- New Ways for Work®: Coaching Manual (for workplace coaches)
- New Ways for Work®: Workbook (for coaches)
OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:36) - World of Bullies #4: Bullies as Leaders
(01:09) - Upcoming Bully Seminars
(02:22) - Bullies as Leaders
(06:55) - Do All Bullies Lie?
(09:16) - When People See It Happening But Do Nothing
(10:16) - Imposing Consequences
(10:51) - When They're at the Top
(13:10) - Example
(20:37) - New Ways for Work for Leaders
(27:44) - Imposing Consequences
(30:10) - Wrap Up
(30:12) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Bullies as Neighbors

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

World of Bullies #3: Unveiling the Invisible Enemy - Confronting Family Bullies Jun 20, 2024

Bullying in Families: How to Spot It and What to Do

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan dive deep into the hidden world of family bullies. As co-founders of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, CA, they share their expertise on identifying and dealing with high conflict personalities within families. Through real-life examples and listener stories, Bill and Megan shed light on this often overlooked issue.

Uncovering the Hidden Dynamics of Family Bullies

Bill and Megan discuss how bullies often isolate their targets, using emotional repetition to wear down their self-esteem. They explain the concept of "negative advocates" – people who unwittingly support the bully by believing their victim narrative. Bill shares insights from his new book, "Our New World of Adult Bullies," highlighting the manipulative tactics bullies employ to maintain control.

The conversation turns to the role of bullies as gatekeepers, controlling access to children, elderly parents, and financial information. Bill emphasizes the importance of recognizing these patterns and seeking support from siblings, therapists, or legal professionals when necessary.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What are the hidden dynamics of family bullies?
How do bullies isolate and control their targets?
What role do "negative advocates" play in enabling bullies?
How can we protect children and elderly parents from bullying and abuse?
What resources are available for those dealing with family bullies?

Key Takeaways:

Bullies often use emotional repetition and isolation to wear down their targets.
Bullies may act as gatekeepers, controlling access to children, elderly parents, and financial information.
Increased awareness and training are needed among professionals who work with vulnerable populations.
Seeking support from siblings, therapists, or legal professionals can be crucial in dealing with family bullies.
There is hope – resources and support systems exist to help stop bullying behavior.

This episode is a must-listen for anyone who has experienced or witnessed bullying within their family. By understanding the dynamics at play and learning how to respond effectively, listeners can take steps towards creating healthier, safer relationships.

Links & Other Notes

BULLY DYNAMICS IN FAMILIES WEBINAR
- Bully Dynamics in Families (September - 4 sessions over 4 weeks)
BOOKS
OTHER BULLY DYNAMICS WEBINARS
- Bully Dynamics at Work (October - will be 4 sessions over 4 weeks)
- Bully Dynamics in Communities (November - will be 4 sessions over 4 weeks)
COURSES
- Conflict Influencer Class for Co-Parents and Other Family Members: starts in July
ARTICLES
- Setting Limits and Imposing Consequences in 2 1/2 Steps
OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:36) - World of Bullies #3: Bullies and Families
(01:14) - Bill’s New Book
(02:08) - Bullies in Families
(05:13) - Target of Blame
(07:11) - Listener’s Situation
(18:26) - Bullies as Gatekeepers
(21:29) - What Do You Do?
(24:04) - Children Being Bullied
(28:42) - Wrap Up
(30:13) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Bullies as Leaders

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

World of Bullies #2: Unmasking Bullies in the Workplace and Mediation with Michael Lomax Jun 13, 2024

Confronting Bullies in the Workplace and Mediation with Bill Eddy and Michael Lomax

In the second episode of the World of Bullies series, Bill and Megan welcome Michael Lomax to explore bullying in the workplace and mediation. As co-founders of the High Conflict Institute and an esteemed speaker, respectively, they share their expertise on handling high conflict personalities in professional settings.

Bill and Michael emphasize the importance of managers thoroughly investigating bullying allegations and understanding the key characteristics of bullies, such as a lack of self-restraint, empathy, and remorse. They also discuss how bullies use emotional tactics to manipulate their targets and recruit negative advocates. Michael shares his experience meeting with alleged bullies who often present themselves as victims.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What are the key characteristics of a workplace bully?
How can managers effectively respond to bullying allegations?
How can mediators handle high conflict personalities in mediation?

Key Takeaways:

Managers should approach bullying allegations with a healthy skepticism and thoroughly investigate complaints.
Bullies often lack self-restraint, empathy, and remorse, and may recruit negative advocates to help target their victims.
Mediators can effectively handle high conflict personalities by remaining calm, setting boundaries, and focusing on realistic objectives.

This episode provides valuable insights and strategies for navigating bullying in the workplace and mediation, equipping listeners with the tools needed to create a healthier work environment.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- Our New World of Adult Bullies—How to Spot Them/How to Stop Them (June 2024) By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
- Mediating High Conflict Disputes (By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., and Michael Lomax, JD)
BULLY DYNAMICS WEBINARS
- Bully Dynamics in Families (September - will be 4 sessions over 4 weeks)
- Bully Dynamics at Work (October - will be 4 sessions over 4 weeks)
- Bully Dynamics in Communities (November - will be 4 sessions over 4 weeks)
ARTICLES
- Setting Limits and Imposing Consequences in 2 1/2 Steps
COACHING CURRICULUM
- New Ways for Work®: Coaching Manual (for workplace coaches)
- New Ways for Work®: Workbook (for coachees)
OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:41) - World of Bullies #2: Bullying in the Workplace and in Mediation
(01:22) - Michael Lomax's Background
(03:58) - Bullies in the Workplace
(23:13) - Bullies in Mediation
(39:48) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Bullies in Families

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

World of Bullies #1: Navigating the New World of Adult Bullying Jun 06, 2024

World of Bullies: Bill Eddy's Groundbreaking New Book

In this first episode of our new "World of Bullies" series, based on Bill Eddy's new book, Our New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them, How to Stop Them, Bill and Megan dive into the timely topic of adult bullying. As co-founders of the High Conflict Institute, they provide invaluable insights for listeners.

Bill shares that his inspiration for the book came during the COVID-19 pandemic when he noticed an increase in bullying behavior across society. He emphasizes the importance of understanding bullies and the need for structure, limits, and consequences to curb their destructive behavior.

Megan highlights that while society has generally evolved to be more cooperative, high emotion media has influenced people's thinking and behavior, leading to a concerning shift in culture.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What inspired this "World of Bullies" series and Bill's book?
How have the COVID-19 pandemic, the media, online culture, and more influenced bullying behavior?
How can we effectively deal with bullies in our lives?

Key Takeaways:

Bullies require structure, limits, and consequences.
High emotion media has contributed to a shift toward more bullying.
Bill’s new SLIC method (setting limits and imposing consequences) is effective for dealing with bullies.

This episode sets the stage for the "World of Bullies" series, providing listeners with a comprehensive understanding of adult bullying and equipping them with practical tools to navigate challenging situations. Bill and Megan's expertise makes this a must-listen for anyone seeking to create a more harmonious environment in their lives.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- Our New World of Adult Bullies—How to Spot Them/How to Stop Them (June 2024) By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
BULLY DYNAMICS WEBINARS
- Bully Dynamics in Families (September - 4 sessions over 4 weeks)
- Bully Dynamics at Work (October - 4 sessions over 4 weeks)
- Bully Dynamics in Communities (November - 4 sessions over 4 weeks)
ARTICLES
OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:35) - New Series: World of Bullies
(01:58) - The Reasons to Write It
(05:55) - Why Are We Devolving?
(08:41) - Mirroring
(11:02) - Finding Balance
(13:38) - Increase in Anxiety
(14:35) - Reacting Faster
(17:31) - Becoming Isolated
(18:08) - Unrestrained Personalities
(20:49) - SLIC Solutions
(25:11) - Prison and Weinstein Examples
(29:48) - Congress Example
(37:10) - Social Media Examples
(42:32) - Coaching to Not Bully
(44:13) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Bullys at Work and in Mediation

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Bringing It to Life #6: Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder Part Two with Guest Amanda Smith May 30, 2024

In the second part of their conversation with Amanda Smith, Bill and Megan explore the challenges faced by families of individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). They discuss the importance of education, self-care, and strategies for navigating high conflict situations.

The Importance of Family Support and Self-Care
Amanda emphasizes the significance of family support and education in the long-term success of individuals with BPD. She highlights the positive impact of informed and understanding family members and the importance of self-care for those living with someone with BPD. Amanda encourages family members to prioritize their well-being, serving as positive role models for their loved ones.

Navigating Fear and Creating Safety Plans
Megan raises the issue of fear that many family members experience when their loved one with BPD engages in self-harm or expresses suicidal thoughts. Amanda suggests creating safety plans and checklists to help families navigate crisis situations and feel more prepared to prioritize physical, environmental, and relational safety.

Questions we answer in this episode:

How can family support contribute to the success of individuals with BPD?
What strategies can families use to find common ground?
How can family members prioritize self-care while supporting their loved one?
What steps can families take to address fear and create safety plans?

Key Takeaways:

Family support and education play a crucial role in the long-term success of individuals with BPD.
Prioritizing self-care is essential for family members to effectively support their loved one.
Creating safety plans can empower families to handle crisis situations.
Seeking support from trained therapists is important for healthy recovery.

This episode offers invaluable insights and practical strategies for families affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. Listeners will gain the tools necessary to support their loved ones while maintaining their own well-being.

Links & Other Notes

GUEST

Amanda Smith, LCSW

BOOKS

COURSE

- Online Borderline Personality Disorder Family Course [begins May 29, 2024]—led by Amanda Smith

ORGANIZATIONS

- Hope for BPD
- National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder
- Mind.org.uk
- Australia BPD Foundation Limited (listing of resources across Australia)

ARTICLES

- 7 Tips for Working with Clients With Borderline Personality Disorder
- The New Elephant in the Room: Why All Professionals Need to Learn About Personality Disorders

OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:36) - Part Two: Borderline Personality Disorder with Amanda Smith
(01:34) - How to Support BPD Family Members
(07:23) - Fear and Safety
(11:29) - The Danger of Being Reinforced in Social Groups
(15:29) - Confusing Gaslighting
(18:55) - Wrap Up
(19:29) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: An Increase in Bullying

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Bringing It to Life #6: Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder Part One with Guest Amanda Smith May 23, 2024

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy are joined by special guest Amanda Smith to discuss Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), continuing our Bringing It to Life series. They explore the common experiences of individuals with BPD, such as intense emotions, impulsive behaviors, and self-destructive tendencies.

The Power of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
Amanda highlights the effectiveness of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) in treating BPD, emphasizing the importance of group therapy in conjunction with individual therapy. She shares success stories of individuals who have made significant progress through court-ordered DBT treatment.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What are the common experiences of individuals with BPD?
How can individuals with BPD work towards recovery?
Is court-ordered DBT treatment effective for individuals with BPD?

Key Takeaways:

BPD is characterized by intense emotions, impulsive behaviors, and self-destructive tendencies.
DBT, which combines individual and group therapy, is a highly effective treatment for BPD.
Individuals with BPD can make significant progress towards recovery through consistent and dedicated treatment.

This episode offers valuable insights into understanding Borderline Personality Disorder, exploring effective treatment options, and discussing the emotional struggles faced by individuals with BPD. Listeners will gain knowledge and strategies for supporting their loved ones on the path to recovery.

Links & Other Notes

GUEST

Amanda Smith, LCSW

BOOKS

COURSE

Online Borderline Personality Disorder Family Course [begins May 29, 2024]—led by Amanda Smith
Coping with Chronic Suicidal Thinking and Planning: Success Strategies for Providers, Family Members, and Individuals Who Are Suffering [1-hour webinar Saturday, May 18 at 10:00 am Central--$29]

ORGANIZATIONS

- Hope for BPD
- National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder
- Mind.org.uk
- Australia BPD Foundation Limited (listing of resources across Australia)

ARTICLES

- 7 Tips for Working with Clients With Borderline Personality Disorder
- The New Elephant in the Room: Why All Professionals Need to Learn About Personality Disorders

OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:39) - Borderline Personality Disorder with Amanda Smith
(02:11) - Amanda’s Background
(03:18) - Diagnoses From Which You Can Work Your Way Free
(06:03) - Common Experiences in BPD
(10:38) - What Can Be Done?
(14:43) - Being Held Accountable
(20:54) - Court-Ordered Therapy?
(23:04) - When They Don’t Change
(26:42) - What Are They Feeling?
(31:08) - Dissociation
(32:49) - Wrap Up
(33:07) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Part Two With Amanda

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Bringing It to Life #5: Navigating Money and Corporate Complexities in High Conflict Divorces with Guest Kate Merrill May 16, 2024

High Conflict Cases and Money: Navigating the Complexities

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan are joined by special guest Kate Merrill, a California attorney specializing in complex divorce cases involving stock options and other business and corporate issues. As part of the Bringing It to Life series, they explore the intricacies of high conflict divorces involving money and finances.

Kate shares her unique perspective, having transitioned from a corporate attorney in Silicon Valley to a family law attorney. Her background in corporate law and MBA in finance enable her to approach these cases with a fresh perspective, uncovering hidden assets and untangling complex financial structures.

Bill and Megan discuss the common patterns of behavior exhibited by high conflict individuals in divorce cases involving money, including controlling finances and using manipulation tactics to hide assets or mislead their partners.

Questions we answer in this episode:

How can a background in corporate law and finance benefit high conflict divorce cases?
What are the common patterns of behavior exhibited by high conflict individuals in divorce cases involving money?
Why is it crucial for clients to be their own advocates and educated consumers of legal services?

Key Takeaways:

Understanding corporate structures, compensation packages, and investment vehicles is essential in high conflict divorce cases involving money.
Clients must be their own advocates and educated consumers of legal services, as most family lawyers may not have the specialized knowledge required to navigate complex financial matters.
Conducting a thorough investigation into the financial history of a relationship can uncover hidden assets and manipulative tactics.

This episode offers invaluable insights for anyone navigating a high conflict divorce involving money and finances, providing strategies to uncover the truth and achieve a fair outcome.

Links & Other Notes

GUEST

Attorney Kate Merrill

BOOKS

ORGANIZATIONS

Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts

ARTICLES

OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:35) - Bringing It to Life: Kate Merrill
(42:28) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: How to Help Those Who Struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Bringing It to Life #4: Dealing with High Conflict Personalities in Academia May 09, 2024

Surviving Academia: Navigating High Conflict Personalities in Higher Education

In this episode of "It's All Your Fault," the fourth installment of the Bringing It to Life series, Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy tackle the unique challenges of dealing with high conflict individuals in academia. Drawing from a listener's question about a bullying boss in a university setting, Bill and Megan explore the dynamics of toxic work environments in higher education and provide strategies for navigating these treacherous waters.

The Ivory Tower's Dirty Secret: High Conflict Personalities in Academia

Bill and Megan discuss the prevalence of high conflict personalities in academia, noting that the tolerant and helping nature of the industry can attract and enable difficult individuals. They highlight the specific challenges of dealing with tenured professors who exhibit high conflict behaviors, as well as the emotional toll this takes on colleagues and the institution as a whole.

Navigating the Minefield: Strategies for Dealing with High Conflict Colleagues in Higher Education

Bill introduces the CARS method – Connect, Analyze options, Respond, and Set limits – as a framework for managing interactions with high conflict individuals in academic settings. He emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries, providing useful information without arguing, and imposing consequences when necessary, while acknowledging the limitations of individual action in the face of institutional tolerance.

The Delicate Dance of Leaving a Toxic Academic Environment

Bill and Megan address the challenges of leaving an academic position due to a high conflict colleague, particularly in the context of an exit interview. They discuss the potential risks of speaking openly about the reasons for departure, the judgment calls involved in deciding what to share, and the importance of securing another position before leaving.

Questions we answer in this episode:

Why do high conflict personalities seem to thrive in academia?
How can I manage interactions with a high conflict colleague in a university setting?
What are the unique challenges of dealing with tenured professors who exhibit high conflict behaviors?
How can I navigate leaving an academic position due to a toxic work environment?

Key Takeaways:

Academia's tolerant and helping nature can attract and enable high conflict personalities
The CARS method provides a framework for managing interactions with difficult colleagues in higher education
Individual action may be limited in the face of institutional tolerance of high conflict behaviors
Carefully consider the risks and benefits of sharing reasons for leaving in an academic exit interview
Secure another position before leaving an academic job due to a high conflict colleague

This episode offers valuable insights and practical strategies for anyone navigating the complex world of high conflict personalities in academia. By understanding the unique dynamics at play in higher education and employing the techniques discussed by Bill and Megan, listeners can better protect themselves and their careers while working in this challenging environment.

Links & Other Notes

COURSES
- New Ways for Work® Coaches Training
- Conflict Influencer™
BOOKS
- Our New World of Adult Bullies(publishes June 2024)
- BIFF at Work
- It’s All Your Fault at Work
- New Ways for Work® Coaching Manual
ARTICLES
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:37) - Bring It to Life: High Conflict in Academia
(01:10) - The Question
(03:20) - Signs of High Conflict Behavior
(09:52) - CARS Method
(16:03) - When You Leave
(20:29) - What Not to Do
(24:20) - What If We Snap?
(28:29) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: A Special Guest!

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Bringing It to Life #3: Dealing with Parental Alienation May 02, 2024

Parental Alienation: What It Is and How to Handle It

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan dive into the complex topic of parental alienation in divorce and separation cases. They answer a listener's question about an extreme case of alienation and provide insights on what alienation is, how it differs from estrangement, and most importantly, what can be done about it.

Understanding Alienation and Estrangement
Bill explains that alienation occurs when a child resists or refuses contact with a parent, not because of that parent's actions, but due to the other parent's influence. In contrast, estrangement happens when the child's resistance is caused by the rejected parent's own behavior, such as violence or emotional abuse. Bill emphasizes the importance of taking a scientific approach rather than a blame approach to understand what may be happening in each case.

Treating Alienation and Estrangement
Bill discusses the different treatment approaches for alienation and estrangement. In estrangement cases, the focus is on helping the rejected parent learn new skills and rebuild the relationship with the child through step-by-step counseling. However, in alienation cases, the child needs to be removed from the alienating parent's influence and have intensive time with the rejected parent to re-establish their normal relationship.

Bringing the Listener's Case to Life
Bill and Megan analyze the listener's question, which involves an extreme case of alienation where the father shot the mother's new husband in front of their son. They discuss the importance of investigating the case thoroughly and ensuring the mother is a safe and stable parent.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What is parental alienation and how does it differ from estrangement?
What are the different treatment approaches for alienation and estrangement?
How can a child heal from the effects of parental alienation?
What steps can be taken in extreme cases of alienation?

Key Takeaways:

Alienation occurs when a child resists contact with a parent due to the other parent's influence, while estrangement is caused by the rejected parent's own behavior.
Treatment for estrangement focuses on helping the rejected parent learn new skills, while treatment for alienation involves removing the child from the alienating parent's influence.
In extreme cases of alienation, the child may need to spend intensive time with the rejected parent, possibly in a psychiatric hospital setting, to re-establish their relationship.
The goal is to achieve a healthy balance in the child's life, with both parents supporting moderate thinking, behavior, and emotions.

This episode provides valuable insights into the complex issue of parental alienation and offers practical advice for those dealing with this challenging situation. By understanding the differences between alienation and estrangement, and learning about effective treatment approaches, listeners can take steps to help children heal and maintain healthy relationships with both parents.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- Our New World of Adult Bullies
- Don’t Alienate the Kids
CLASS + COACHING FOR PARENTS IN ALIENATION CASES
- New Ways for Families: CoParenting Without Court
COURSES FOR FAMILY LAW PROFESSIONALS
- New Ways for Families (Counseling Method or Coaching Method)
- Resistance, Refusal and the Child’s Brain
- Erasing Family Documentary with Resist/Refuse Commentary from Bill Eddy
ARTICLES
- Is Alienation a One-Parent Issue?
- Is Your Child Alienated?
PARENT-CHILD CONTACT PROBLEMS BREAKDOWN
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:36) - Bringing It to Life: Alienation
(02:09) - The Listener Question
(03:36) - Alienation vs. Estrangement
(14:47) - Stressful?
(17:42) - Isolation
(23:36) - Digging Into the Situation
(29:02) - The Child
(32:00) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Belittling and Bullying

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Bringing It to Life #2: Dealing with High Conflict Personalities in the Workplace Apr 25, 2024

Bill and Megan continue their “Bringing It to Life” series, discussing how to identify and manage high conflict personalities in the workplace. They provide insights and strategies for leaders to improve workplace culture.

Bill and Megan aim to help listeners learn skills to keep conflict small and maintain healthy work environments. In this episode, they focus on limiting the damage caused by toxic employees.

Recognizing High Conflict Behavior Patterns

Bill explains the typical behavior patterns of high conflict personalities. These include blaming others, black-and-white thinking, uncontrolled emotions, and taking extreme actions.
Megan notes that toxic employees can split work groups and harm morale. Their behavior tends to be rigid and repetitive.
They discuss methods to identify whether one or more employees are exhibiting these disruptive patterns.

Managing High Conflict Employees

Bill and Megan explore options like coaching, setting limits, and imposing consequences. They note that firing toxic staff may be necessary.
They stress the importance of intervening early before the situation escalates. Allowing bullying and chaos enables bad behavior.
The hosts explain how removing one high conflict person can calm tensions and shift workplace culture.

Questions we answer in this episode:

How do you spot high conflict behavior patterns?
Should you keep or fire toxic employees?
What happens after a high conflict employee leaves?

Key Takeaways:

Look for patterns like blaming, black-and-white thinking, uncontrolled emotions.
Don't wait years to address high conflict employees.
Removing bullies can transform workplace culture.

This practical episode provides valuable insights for improving morale and productivity by minimizing the damage caused by high conflict personalities. Bill and Megan offer useful strategies to create a thriving workplace.

Links & Other Notes

WEBINAR (FREE)
- Register here: Bullies in the Workplace — May 10, 2024
BOOKS
NEW WAYS FOR WORK COACHES TRAINING
- Coaches Training
ARTICLES
- Fire or Keep High Conflict Employees
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:36) - Bring It to Life #2: Impact of HCPs on the Workplace Culture
(01:06) - The Scenario
(06:54) - One or Both?
(09:38) - Contagious
(13:05) - Resistant to Change
(15:23) - Productivity
(18:36) - Aftermath
(30:22) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: High Conflict Divorce

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Bringing It to Life #1: Navigating High Conflict Mediation Part Two Apr 18, 2024

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan continue their "Bringing It to Life" series with special guest Elaine Richardson, a solicitor and mediator from the UK. Continuing their conversation from the previous episode, they dive deep into the challenges of managing high conflict personalities in family law and mediation, offering practical strategies for professionals and individuals alike.

Identifying High Conflict Personalities
They discuss the importance of considering three possibilities when faced with accusations of high conflict behavior: the allegation may be true, it may be a projection, or both parties may be engaging in high conflict behavior. They emphasize the need for professionals to maintain an open mind and avoid blindly believing one party's claims.

Navigating High Conflict Clients and Mediation
Elaine shares her experiences as a solicitor and mediator, highlighting the importance of setting clear boundaries with high conflict clients. She discusses strategies for managing difficult situations, such as challenging clients when necessary and recognizing the "personality in waiting" that may emerge during the process.

Effective Communication Strategies
Bill talks again about the BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) communication method as a tool for managing high conflict interactions. He explains how using BIFF can help de-escalate tensions and encourage mirror behavior from the other party. Elaine and Bill also discuss the importance of focusing on behavior rather than labels when addressing high conflict individuals.

Questions we answer in this episode:

How can professionals identify high conflict personalities?
What strategies can solicitors and mediators use to manage high conflict clients?
How can individuals communicate effectively with high conflict people?
What role does setting boundaries play in managing high conflict situations?

Key Takeaways:

Maintain an open mind when faced with accusations of high conflict behavior
Set clear boundaries with high conflict clients
Use BIFF communication to de-escalate tensions and encourage positive mirror behavior
Focus on behavior rather than labels when addressing high conflict individuals
Be prepared for the "personality in waiting" to emerge during the process

This episode of It's All Your Fault offers invaluable insights for professionals and individuals navigating the challenges of high conflict personalities in family law and mediation. Bill, Megan, and Elaine provide practical strategies and real-world examples that listeners can apply to their own situations, making this a must-listen episode for anyone seeking to manage high conflict interactions more effectively.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- BIFF for Lawyers
- Our New World of Adult Bullies
TRAINING
COACHING
- Shared Parenting Scotland (coaching + class for anyone in the UK)
- Pre-mediation coaching(for anyone prior to mediating)
- Workplace coaching (for executives/leaders; employees; HR; anyone)
ARTICLES
- The CARS Method
- How to Write a BIFF Response®
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:33) - Part 2 with Elaine Richardson
(01:46) - Approaching a Potential High Conflict Mediation Case
(05:55) - Three Possibilities of the Case
(10:22) - When Your Client Is High Conflict
(19:41) - Handling High Conflict Between Lawyers
(27:37) - New Law in UK
(32:11) - Shared Parenting Scotland
(34:54) - Wrap Up
(36:14) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Workplace Conflict

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Bringing It to Life #1: Navigating High Conflict Mediation & Poll Results Apr 11, 2024

Poll Results, Case Studies, and Strategies: Navigating High Conflict Mediation

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan kick off a new periodic series called "Bring It to Life," where they dive into real-life case studies and provide practical strategies for navigating high conflict situations. They also share the results of recent polls on child custody and women in marriage. Joined by special guest Elaine Richardson, a family solicitor from the UK, Bill and Megan explore the challenges of mediating cases involving high conflict personalities.

Revealing Poll Results and Introducing "Bring It to Life"

Bill and Megan begin the episode by discussing the results of two recent polls conducted on their website. The first poll focuses on child custody, revealing insights into the perspectives of family law professionals and family members. The second poll explores the topic of women and marriage, shedding light on the experiences and opinions of their listeners.

Following the poll results, Bill and Megan introduce their new series, "Bring It to Life," where they will examine real-life case studies to provide listeners with practical advice and strategies for handling high conflict situations.

Navigating the Complexities of High Conflict Mediation

In the first installment of "Bring It to Life," Bill and Megan, along with Elaine Richardson, delve into a specific case study involving a high conflict personality in mediation. They discuss the challenges posed by individuals who engage in manipulative behavior, cause delays, and create difficulties for mediators and legal professionals. By examining this real-life scenario, they offer valuable insights and techniques for preventing further delays and effectively managing high conflict personalities in mediation.

The episode also explores the concept of hybrid mediation, with Elaine explaining how it differs from traditional family mediation in the UK. Bill and Megan highlight the benefits of having lawyers present during mediation sessions and emphasize the importance of maintaining confidentiality throughout the process.

Recognizing and Addressing Bullying Behavior

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to discussing projection and bullying behavior in high conflict cases. Bill and Megan share their expertise on recognizing these behaviors and provide strategies for negotiating with individuals who exhibit them. They stress the importance of understanding the spectrum of bullying behaviors, ranging from reputation smearing to more extreme cases of violence and destruction.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What do the recent poll results reveal about child custody and women in marriage?
How can mediators and legal professionals effectively handle high conflict personalities in mediation?
What are the advantages of hybrid mediation compared to traditional family mediation?
How can one recognize and address projection and bullying behavior in high conflict cases?
What strategies can be employed when negotiating with individuals who exhibit bullying behavior?

Key Takeaways:

The poll results provide valuable insights into perspectives on child custody and women in marriage.
High conflict personalities can significantly impact the mediation process, causing delays and challenges.
Hybrid mediation offers benefits by involving lawyers in the mediation process.
Recognizing and understanding the spectrum of bullying behaviors is essential for effective negotiation.
Mediators should educate parties on their options and consequences while maintaining confidentiality and managing expectations.

This episode of It's All Your Fault offers a wealth of information and practical advice for anyone dealing with high conflict personalities in mediation or legal settings. By sharing poll results, introducing the "Bring It to Life" series, and discussing real-life case studies, Bill and Megan provide listeners with valuable insights and strategies to navigate these challenging situations effectively.

Links & Other Notes

Guest website—Elaine Richardson of Richardson Family Law
BOOKS
- Our New World of Adult Bullies
- Bullies Webinars (free):
  - Bullies in Families- April 19
  - Bullies in the Workplace- May 10
- Mediating High Conflict Disputes
- BIFF for Lawyers
- BIFF for Co-Parent Communication
TRAINING FOR PROFESSIONALS
- New Ways for Mediation
COACHING FOR ANYONE GOING INTO MEDIATION
- Pre-mediation coaching
- Divorce/Co-Parenting Class + Coaching: New Ways for Families
ARTICLES
- Proposals and BIFF: Two Simple Methods for Mediating with a High-Conflict Person
- 10 Paradigm Shifts of High Conflict Mediation
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:35) - Guest Elaine Richardson and Poll Results
(01:18) - Meet Eialne
(03:41) - Bring It to Life Series Introduction
(04:14) - Poll #1 Results and Discussion
(09:21) - Poll #2 Results, Feedback, and Discussion
(13:40) - Bring It to Life
(44:05) - Wrap Up
(44:51) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: A Continuation

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Exploring the Path to Mediation: A Conversation with Sonja Wood Apr 04, 2024

Welcome to another insightful discussion with Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter as they welcome mediator Sonja Wood. Bill and Megan chat with Sonja about her fascinating journey from chemistry to mediation. Sonja discusses her experiences facing discrimination and a lack of conflict training in Europe that pushed her to study mediation. She shares navigating cultural differences working across countries and her transition to life in Texas. Bill and Megan are keen to learn how Sonja utilizes high conflict methods like BIFF in her work.

Sonja reflects on encountering closed doors trying to address issues at her former company and deciding to gain conflict resolution skills instead. She took German mediation training before attaining Texas certification and specializing in civil and business mediation. Sonja values continuing education, most recently in positive psychology. Bill and Megan admire Sonja actively supporting mediation across the Lone Star State in volunteer work and through her Texas Association of Mediators chairship.

Whether considering mediation or dealing with disputes yourself, tune in for valuable insight on constructive resolution from this esteemed guest. Sonja's perseverance achieving success across cultures proves issues are solvable when approached with understanding, like the high conflict methods advocated by the High Conflict Institute.

Links & Other Notes

Guest Website: Sonja Wood website
BOOKS
- BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns
- BIFF at Work: Your Guide to Difficult Workplace Communication Mediating High Conflict Disputes
ARTICLES
- Should Workplace Conflicts use Mediation?
- Don’t Ask “Why?” Ask “What’s Your Proposal?”
POLLS
- Marriage and Women
- Joint Custody vs. Sole Child Custody
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:40) - Mediation with Sonja Wood
(02:34) - Sonja and Mediation
(16:47) - Coming to the US
(18:09) - Challenges Finding Training
(20:00) - Types of Mediation
(23:56) - High Conflict Mediation
(25:31) - BIFF
(30:16) - Tips for New Mediators
(32:19) - Wrap Up
(32:55) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Poll Results!

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Defusing Workplace Drama: Expert Advice for Managing High Conflict Personalities Mar 28, 2024

Navigating High Conflict Personalities in the Workplace

In this episode of "It's All Your Fault", Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy are joined by special guest Cherolyn Knapp to answer listener questions about dealing with high conflict personalities at work. As experts in the field of high conflict resolution, Bill and Megan provide valuable insights and strategies for managing challenging workplace interactions.

Identifying and Responding to High Conflict Behavior
The hosts and their guest discuss how high conflict individuals may present in the workplace, noting that they don't always yell or argue overtly. Passive-aggressive behavior, spreading rumors, and sabotaging others are common tactics used by high conflict personalities. Bill and Megan emphasize the importance of recognizing these behaviors and offer techniques for responding effectively, such as using "EAR" statements (empathy, attention, respect) to connect with the person and defuse the situation.

Supporting Targets of High Conflict Behavior
Megan, Bill, and Cherolyn address a listener's question about feeling unsupported when targeted by a high conflict individual at work. They acknowledge the pain and difficulty of such situations and provide guidance on how to cope. The hosts suggest looking at personal choices and options, seeking support from others, and considering whether the current work environment is ultimately sustainable for one's well-being.

Questions we answer in this episode:

How can I protect my team from a high conflict individual in another department?
What does high conflict behavior look like when it's not overt yelling or arguing?
How can I get support when I'm being targeted by a high conflict person at work?
What role do enablers play in perpetuating high conflict behavior?

Key Takeaways:

High conflict behavior isn't always loud and aggressive; it can be passive-aggressive, such as spreading rumors or sabotaging others.
Using "EAR" statements (empathy, attention, respect) can help defuse high conflict situations and connect with the person.
When targeted by a high conflict individual, it's important to assess your choices and options, and seek support.
Enablers, whether supervisors, coworkers, or something else, can perpetuate high conflict behavior by siding with the high conflict person.

This episode offers valuable insights and practical strategies for navigating the challenges of high conflict personalities in the workplace. Whether you're a manager looking to protect your team or an individual feeling targeted by a high conflict coworker, Bill, Megan, and Cherolyn’s expertise can help you identify problematic behaviors, respond effectively, and prioritize your well-being.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
TRAINING
- Register for New Ways for Work Training (for coaches, HR, EAP, and others who help people resolve conflict in the workplace)
  - April 8 and 10 (12pm - 4pm Pacific)
  - October 21 and 23 (2pm - 6pm Pacific)
COACHING & CONSULTATION
- New Ways for Work Coaching (for employees or anyone in the workplace)
- Consulting (for management or for anyone wanting in-depth consultation on your unique case)
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:34) - Welcome Back Cherolyn
(03:05) - Listener Question #1: Dealing With a Workplace Bully
(09:38) - EAR Statements and Connecting
(11:57) - What to Say
(13:57) - How High Conflict ‘Presents’
(17:04) - Passive Aggressive
(19:36) - How to Deal With Them
(23:38) - Dealing With Abuse Enablers
(29:51) - New Ways for Work
(36:45) - New Ways for Work Leaders
(40:37) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Another Guest!

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

The Great Custody Debate: Sole vs. Joint in High Conflict Divorces Mar 21, 2024

Is Sole Custody Ever Warranted Over Joint Custody?

In this episode, Bill and Megan dive into the controversial topic of sole custody versus joint custody in divorce and child custody matters. They aim to answer the question: Is sole custody ever warranted, or is the principle of equal time with both parents always the best policy?

Presumptions for Joint Custody vs. Sole Custody
Bill explains that throughout the United States and most industrialized countries, there's a belief that both parents should be significantly involved with the children, generally called joint physical custody. However, he emphasizes that 80% of divorcing and separating parents don't use the courts to make their parenting decisions, as they're able to do it on their own. Sole custody, on the other hand, is only considered when there's a problem, such as when a parent has a personality disorder or exhibits high conflict behavior.

The Impact of Personality Disorders on Children
Bill discusses the impact of personality disorders on children, citing research that shows children exposed to a parent with a personality disorder without the benefit of another parent to soften that can experience emotional difficulties six times higher. In these cases, having sole custody with a more reasonable parent may be necessary for the child's mental health. However, Bill believes that children should still have some contact with both parents, even if it's limited.

Navigating High Conflict Custody Cases
Megan and Bill explore how a parent being dragged into court or reported to child services can navigate these situations. They emphasize the need for courts to be more aware of the presence and dynamics of personality disorders and the lack of change in these individuals. Bill also cautions against putting the decision-making responsibility on the children, as it can be a terrible idea to put them in that position.

Questions we answer in this episode:

Is sole custody ever warranted, or is joint custody always the best policy?
How does a parent being dragged into court or reported to child services navigate these situations?
Why is it a bad idea for courts to ask children about their preference for who they want to live with?
How can parents and professionals be educated about having multiple perspectives in high conflict cases?
What skills can parents and children learn to help with high conflict situations?

Key Takeaways:

Sole custody should only be considered when there's a problem, such as a parent with a personality disorder or high conflict behavior.
Children exposed to a parent with a personality disorder without another parent to soften that can experience significant emotional difficulties.
Courts need to be more aware of the presence and dynamics of personality disorders and the lack of change in these individuals.
Putting the decision-making responsibility on children in custody cases can be a terrible idea.
Teaching parents and children skills such as flexible thinking, managed emotions, and moderate behavior can help with high conflict situations.

This episode provides valuable insights into the complex world of high conflict custody cases and offers practical advice for parents and professionals navigating these situations. By exploring the nuances of sole custody versus joint custody and discussing the impact of personality disorders on children, Bill and Megan shed light on a topic that affects many families going through divorce or separation.

Links & Other Notes

POLL
- Take our anonymous poll here: Poll: Joint vs. Sole Custody Poll
ARTICLES
- Confirmation Bias: Getting it Backwards in High Conflict Disputes
COURSES
BOOKS
- Don’t Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High-Conflict Divorce
- The High-Conflict Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Reclaim Your Life One Week at a Time
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:35) - Child Custody
(01:14) - Is Sole Custody Every Warranted?
(10:05) - Talking to Court
(11:37) - Push for Joint Custody?
(13:21) - Multiple Perspectives
(15:22) - Kid Preference?
(19:40) - Skills for Parents
(25:11) - Skills for Children
(26:35) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Results of Last Week's Poll

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Married or Divorced? Examining Women's Happiness in Relationships Mar 14, 2024

Are Women Happier Married or Divorced?

In this thought-provoking episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter dive into the complex topic of women's happiness in marriage. They explore recent research and articles that suggest women should get divorced to find happiness, and then offer their own insights and experiences to provide a balanced perspective.

Examining the Claims
Bill and Megan start by discussing a book that claims 70% of divorces are initiated by women who are tired, fed up, and unhappy in their marriages. However, they point out that there are many reasons women may file for divorce first, and it doesn't necessarily mean they are more unhappy than men. They also note that while women historically have done more housework and childcare, many men today are stepping up as equal partners and caregivers.

Finding Balance and Happiness
The hosts emphasize that happiness is possible both within marriage and while being single. They stress the importance of being a whole person, making good choices in partners, and developing strong relationship skills. Bill shares statistics showing that the vast majority of married women, especially those with children, report being happy in their marriages. However, they acknowledge that being a single parent is often the most challenging situation.

Questions we answer in this episode:

Are women happier being married or divorced?
What factors contribute to women's happiness in relationships?
How are gender roles and expectations changing in modern marriages?
What relationship skills are essential for a happy marriage?

Key Takeaways:

Both men and women can be happy married or single
Relationship skills are crucial for success in marriage and other areas of life
Married women, especially those with children, report high levels of happiness
Single parenting is often the most challenging situation
It's important to be a whole person and make good choices in partners

This episode offers a nuanced look at the complex question of women's happiness in marriage. By examining recent claims, sharing personal experiences, and diving into statistics, Bill and Megan provide valuable insights and perspective. Listeners will come away with a better understanding of the factors that contribute to happiness in relationships and the importance of developing strong relationship skills.

Links & Other Notes

POLL
- Take our anonymous poll here: Marriage and Women Poll
BOOKS
- Dating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to "The One" Who Will Make Your Life Hell
- Generations: The Real Differences Between Gen Z, Millennials, Gen X, Boomers, and Silents―and What They Mean for America's Future
ARTICLES
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:35) - Women’s Thoughts About Marriage
(01:18) - Women Should Get Divorced to Find Happiness?
(10:56) - Finding the Balance
(15:03) - Statistics
(18:59) - Relationship Skills
(24:22) - Last Thoughts
(25:59) - Poll
(27:00) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Child Custody

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Navigating Concerns of Factitious Disorder: When High Conflict Distorts Perceptions Mar 07, 2024

Navigating Factitious Disorder and Child Custody Disputes
In this informative episode, Bill and Megan explore the complicated intersection of factitious disorder, child custody disputes, and high conflict personalities.

Bill and Megan start by explaining what factitious disorder is, how it manifests, and its implications in child custody cases. They share insights from their experience in family law and high conflict disputes.

Key topics covered include:

The shift in terminology from Munchausen syndrome to factitious disorder and what this change signifies
Prevalence data showing these disorders are rare but have severe impacts when present
How factitious disorders often involve misperceptions and disagreements about a child's health/medical needs
The role of personality disorders and their distorted perceptions in driving conflict
Strategies for navigating these disputes like seeking multiple professional opinions and getting courts involve
How to appropriately communicate concerns to healthcare providers without biasing their perspective
The risks of improperly questioning or influencing children directly

Questions we answer in this episode:

What is factitious disorder and how is it relevant in child custody cases?
What tips can help address concerns about a child's health in a constructive manner?
How do personality disorders relate to conflict around children's health?
When is it appropriate to involve the legal system in disputes about a child's care?
What are the risks of discussing health concerns directly with your child?

Key Takeaways:

Factitious disorders are rare but can severely impact child custody cases when present
Seeking multiple professional opinions can help determine if concerns are valid
Personality disorders often involve distorted perceptions driving conflict
Legal interventions may be needed to protect children from excessive medical testing
Never interrogate or influence children directly about suspected disorders

This practical episode offers guidance for any parents or family members concerned about potential factitious disorders and child health conflicts. Bill and Megan share their expertise to help listeners thoughtfully and safely address these challenging situations.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- Don’t Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High-Conflict Divorce
COURSES/VIDEOS
- Erasing Family Documentary with Resistance/Refusal Commentary from Bill Eddy
- Resistance, Refusal and the Child’s Brain
PROFESSIONAL TRAINING
- New Ways for Families
  - For Counselors- training specifically for counselors to learn the New Ways for Families method to use in high-conflict cases, including those with resistance/refusal
  - For Coaches: training specifically for divorce and co-parenting coaches to learn the New Ways for Families method to use in high-conflict cases or in any case
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:35) - Factitious Order by Proxy
(01:18) - What Is It?
(05:52) - How to Intervene?
(10:33) - Patterns
(11:52) - Histrionic
(17:03) - Speaking with Medical Professionals
(21:06) - Discuss with the Child?
(24:04) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Marriage and Women's Thoughts About It

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Drawing the Line: Setting Boundaries for External Conflicts at Work Feb 29, 2024

Keeping the Peace: Managing High Conflict Issues at Work
On this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan tackle how employers and managers can set healthy boundaries around discussing divisive societal issues at work. They provide guidance on creating a respectful, productive environment when employees have strong, differing opinions.

Bill and Megan explain that while online conversations may feel more hostile lately, research shows it’s often due to a small group of aggressive, status-driven people. When divisive issues come up at work, reasonable people tend to disengage, allowing bullies to dominate the dialogue. This can deteriorate workplace culture and community.

To maintain a cohesive team, leaders must set clear guidelines about acceptable communication. Bill suggests focusing on keeping conflicts impersonal and issues-based, not attacking people’s character. Megan adds that while managers have limited power to enforce culture alone, they can coach employees one-on-one on respectful communication.

HR can recommend coaching to improve behaviors vs. immediately firing staff. Employees feeling bullied should speak up, understand their options, and get assertiveness training if needed. With the right boundaries and empathy, organizations can productively navigate sensitive topics.

Questions we answer in this episode:

How can managers discourage divisive talk when company policy is unclear?
What coaching strategies can HR use for staff exhibiting bullying behaviors?
What should employees do if they feel targeted by a workplace bully?

Key Takeaways:

Research shows online hostility comes from a vocal minority of aggressive people.
Leaders must set guidelines to keep conflict impersonal and issues-based.
Coaching can help managers, HR, and staff communicate respectfully.
Employees feeling bullied should speak up and understand their options.
With the right boundaries, companies can stay productive despite disagreements.

Setting clear expectations while extending empathy enables workplaces to keep the peace during polarizing times. Tune in to hear Bill and Megan’s insightful guidance on fostering understanding.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
COACHING & OTHER RESOURCES
- Live Lab™: 1:1 Coaching for Managing High-Conflict Situations
  - Live Lab Writing: learn to write BIFF Responses to hostile email or any written communication
  - Live Lab Verbal: learn to have conversations with high-conflict people
  - Live Lab Boundaries: learn to set limits with high-conflict people
- Coaching for Employees
TRAINING FOR WORKPLACE PROFESSIONALS
- New Ways for Work® Coaches Training (for human resources, employee relations, and other coaches)
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:37) - External Issues Brought Into the Workplace
(02:10) - Are People Becoming More High Conflict Online?
(05:26) - Online Conflict Attractive to HCPs?
(08:25) - Who's Doing More Bullying?
(11:38) - Rules to Avoid Dominating the Conversation
(14:36) - What Should an Organization Do?
(21:49) - When Lacking Internal Support
(22:59) - Setting Guidelines
(24:25) - HR or Employment Relations
(26:58) - When the Employee
(31:15) - Wrap Up

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Red Flags in Teen Relationships: Understanding Relationship Violence, Part 2 Feb 15, 2024

Navigating the Storm of Teen Relationships
In this eye-opening episode of 'It's All Your Fault', hosts Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy from the High Conflict Institute dive into the turbulent world of teen dating and relationship violence. Aimed at understanding and influencing the complexities of young people's interactions, this installment sheds light on how personality disorders could affect adolescent relationships, the emergence of digital violence, and strategies for intervention and prevention.

Understanding Teen Dating Violence
Bill and Megan explore the significance of personality development in adolescents and its potential impact on dating violence. Discussions revolve around impulse control and interpersonal functioning, with a focus on borderline and antisocial personality disorders. The conversation is directed at parents and teens to recognize early signs of high conflict behaviors and the importance of intervention during adolescence. The episode also highlights the effectiveness of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and offers resources for those seeking help.

Questions we answer in this episode:

Do personality disorders matter in teen relationships?
Can personality traits indicate a proclivity for relationship violence?
How do peer attitudes influence teen dating violence?
What role does gender inequality play in teen relationships?
Why is self-regulation important to address in teens?

Key Takeaways:

Early personality development impacts adolescent dating behaviors.
Impulse control and interpersonal dysfunction are key areas in personality disorders.
Peer attitudes can have a stronger influence on teens than parental behavior.
Gender inequality beliefs are risk factors for teen dating violence.
Early intervention can help teens with high conflict behaviors adjust more effectively.

Why This Episode is a Must-Listen
Bill and Megan's discussion is not just insightful—it's critical for understanding the dynamics at play in teen dating violence. This episode provides an essential guide for parents, educators, and teens to recognize and react to high conflict situations. By tuning in, you'll gain the knowledge to identify early warning signs and learn about the resources available to help manage and prevent relationship violence among young people. Don't miss out on this crucial conversation.

Links & Other Notes

WEBSITES ON TEEN DATING VIOLENCE AND DIALECTICAL BEHAVIOR THERAPY
BOOKS
ARTICLES
- New Research Finds A Connection Between Domestic Violence And These Two Personality Disorders
RESEARCH
- Personality disorders as predictors of intimate partner violence: A meta-analysis
- Dating Violence
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:34) - Relationship Violence Part 2: Teen Relationships
(00:50) - Personality Disorders in Teens
(03:47) - Hot Reactive Violence vs. Cold Calculating Violence
(06:17) - Resources
(07:16) - TDV: Teen Dating Violence
(12:19) - More Resources
(14:44) - Digital Violence
(23:54) - How to Approach Your Teen
(25:57) - Setting Up Expetations
(26:59) - TDV in Gen-Z
(34:20) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: High Conflict at Work

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Red Flags in Adult Relationships: Understanding Relationship Violence, Part 1 Feb 08, 2024

Bill and Megan explore the complex issue of relationship violence, focusing on factors that may predict aggressive behaviors and how to identify potentially abusive relationships. In this first part of a two-part discussion, they examine relationship violence through the lens of adult intimate partner relationships. The second part will focus specifically on teen dating violence. Bill and Megan provide research-informed insights to help us understand the roots of relationship violence and identify unhealthy patterns early on.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What personality disorders or traits are associated with an increased risk for domestic violence?
How can you spot early warning signs of a potentially abusive partner?
What is coercive control and how does it relate to domestic violence?
What happens in the brain when someone lacks impulse control?
How can we avoid “jamming our own radar” in relationships?

Key Takeaways:

Not everyone with a personality disorder will become abusive, but certain disorders like antisocial and borderline PD are risk factors.
Pay attention to charm, immediate strong attachment, and “love bombing” as possible red flags when dating.
Coercive control refers to non-physical ways an abuser maintains power, like isolation, verbal threats, financial control.
Impulse control problems may stem from an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex or traumatic childhood experiences.
Going through personal crises or having unrealistic relationship expectations can blind us to warning signs.

In part one of this vital two-part discussion, Bill and Megan provide research-informed insights to help us understand the roots of relationship violence and identify unhealthy patterns early on. Tune in to gain knowledge that could help you or someone you care about build healthy, safe relationships.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- Dating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to “The One” Who Will Make Your Life Hell
  - available in paperback, audio, and e-book anywhere books are sold. Here are a few places you can get it.
  - Get it on High Conflict Institute site
  - On Amazon US
  - On Amazon Australia
  - On Amazon Canada
DATING RADAR SURVEY RESULTS
- Read results from entire survey here (scroll and click on “Read Dating Radar Survey Results”)
HOTLINE
- US Domestic Violence Hotline
- US Hotline #: 800-799-7233
ARTICLES
COURSES
- Conversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 Experts
- Mediation in Domestic Violence Cases
LIVE LAB
- Live Lab: 1:1 coaching sessions to learn to use BIFF Responses, EAR Statements, and to set limits
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:35) - Relationship Violence Part 1: Adults
(02:50) - Survey Results
(08:19) - What Jams Our Radar?
(14:00) - Impulse Control
(19:48) - Factors in Violent Tendencies
(29:03) - Domestic Violence in Family Law
(33:57) - How Do You Know You’re in a Domestic Violence Relationship?
(35:53) - Coercive Controlling Violence
(39:57) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Relationship Violence Part 2: Teens

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Setting Limits Without Going Over the Line Feb 01, 2024

Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter tackle an important but tricky topic in this episode - how to set healthy boundaries with others when tensions run high. Whether it's a contentious divorce, difficult coworker, or suspected lies, Bill and Megan provide realistic examples and actionable advice to constructively handle high-conflict situations. Tune in to learn techniques to establish boundaries while remaining calm and keeping conflicts small. This episode delivers takeaways anyone can apply to enhance their most challenging relationships.

They provide tips across three common scenarios:

Co-parenting after divorce: Look to standards or common practices as a starting point. Focus on protecting the children and not discussing certain topics in front of them. You can only control your own behavior - walk away if tensions escalate.
Workplace conflicts: Practice using the BIF (brief, informative, friendly, firm) method in emails or conversations. Don't engage in unnecessary battles - end conversations if needed.
Suspected lies: Always consider three perspectives - it could be true, false, or somewhere in between. Don't react emotionally or you may become a target of blame. Reality test tactfully if needed.

Bill and Megan stress practicing these techniques and finding simple but memorable phrases to use when setting boundaries. Their realistic examples and actionable advice provide takeaways anyone can apply to enhance their most challenging relationships.

Links & Other Notes

LIVE LAB: 1:1 coaching to learn skills (setting limits, BIFF Responses, CalmB4Think)
ARTICLE: 12 Tips for Co-Parent Boundaries
ARTICLE: Need to Set Limits With a High Conflict Person? Give ‘Em Your EAR
ARTICLE: 4 Ways to Set Limits at Work
COURSE: Conflict Influencer™ Certification
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:34) - Kicking Off Season Four
(01:10) - Setting Limits in High Conflict Situations
(02:00) - Co-Parenting
(10:00) - The Work World
(16:00) - Lying
(26:34) - Wrapping Up
(27:05) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Relationship Violence

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Holiday Harmony: Keeping The Peace at Family Celebrations Dec 21, 2023

Keeping the Peace This Holiday Season
Bill and Megan share tips for avoiding and defusing conflict at holiday gatherings. They offer insights from their work at the High Conflict Institute.

In this timely episode, Bill and Megan explain how to prevent and de-escalate heated arguments that often arise when families reconnect after time apart. Listeners gain practical techniques to maintain a peaceful, enjoyable atmosphere.

Avoiding Hot-Button Topics
Bill notes that the high-emotion holidays can bring out uncontrolled behavior in some. He suggests posting a respectful gathering policy and having “minders” to gently redirect tense interactions.

Megan explores preparation strategies like using self-talk and conversation redirection. Scheduling reminders helps you remember useful tools in the moment.

Defusing Tensions
Bill advocates saving sensitive discussions for one-on-one talks, where polarization decreases. Groups often split into factions and fuel discord.

Megan shares a touching example of connection occurring when two mothers met and shared their grief privately. Individual stories build bridges.

Why It Matters
Bill and Megan provide simple but powerful ways to maintain self-control and model peaceful conflict resolution this season. Their advice offers pathways to joyful gatherings.

Questions we answer:

How can hosts set ground rules for respectful interactions?
What tools can help individuals avoid unproductive fights?
When and how should difficult topics be addressed?

Key Takeaways:

Posting expectations and having “minders” can prevent problems.
Preparation and self-talk help you respond calmly in the moment.
Save sensitive talks for one-on-one conversations later.
Shared stories build connections between individuals.

This timely episode provides useful techniques to prevent discord and promote goodwill this holiday season. Bill and Megan’s practical advice will help listeners consciously create an atmosphere of peace, joy and understanding.

Links & Other Notes

RESPECTFUL GATHERING POLICY
- Download HCI’s Respectful Gathering Policy to hang up before your holiday gatherings
BOOKS
- Calming Upset People with EAR (communication technique)
ARTICLES
- Handling High Conflict Situations During the Holidays
- Calming Holiday Conflicts
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:29) - Holiday Conflict
(02:14) - When Someone Says Something
(05:53) - If You're Hosting
(08:10) - Respectful Gathering Policy
(09:00) - Be Prepared
(11:37) - Giving Yourself Encouraging Statements
(13:25) - If You Want to Discuss the Topics
(15:42) - Reason-Able
(16:52) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: A New Season!

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Pulling the Plug on a Hostile Conversation Dec 19, 2023

Ending Hostile Conversations
Bill and Megan share strategies for defusing tense conversations and exiting hostile interactions. They provide insights from the High Conflict Institute.

Bill and Megan explain how to stop aggressive confrontations through limit-setting and agenda control. Listeners gain techniques to redirect heated exchanges into constructive dialogue.

Defusing Tense Situations
Bill outlines a two-step process for tense one-on-one interactions: warn hostile speakers to change their tone, then withdraw if attacks persist.

Megan explores why we avoid limits and how practice builds confidence in boundaries. Ending destructive talks can be an act of kindness.

Regaining Control
Megan recounts being publicly confronted while presenting. She learned arguing only empowers the disruptor.

Bill emphasizes sticking to your agenda. Redirect speakers to appropriate questions.

In social settings, empathize first, then question unverified claims. Exercise restraint in spreading rumors.

Why It Matters
Bill and Megan provide tools to end toxic conversations, maintain self-control, and model peaceful conflict resolution. Their advice offers pathways to greater understanding.

Questions answered:

Exiting hostile one-on-one interactions
Responding when confronted publicly
Redirecting charged conversation

Key Takeaways:

Warn, then withdraw from attacks
Refuse to engage hostile agendas
Question unverified claims politely
Your firm boundaries can influence climate

This episode provides practical techniques to transform tense talks into meaningful dialogue. Tune in to gain empowering skills for calming hostility.

Links & Other Notes:

LIVE LAB™
- A practice space for 1:1 practice to set limits and communicate peacefully
COURSES
- De-escalation: Talk to the Right Brain
BOOKS
- Calming Upset People with EAR (communication technique)
- It’s All Your Fault!
- 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
ARTICLES
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:32) - Ending a Hostile Conversation
(02:06) - Two-Step Process
(07:58) - Mind the Gap
(10:35) - What They Experience
(12:31) - Setting Limit
(14:35) - In Group Setting
(19:54) - In Social Setting
(23:03) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: What to Avoid at Holiday Gatherings

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Falsely Blamed? How to Protect Yourself and Respond Dec 14, 2023

Exploring Targets of Blame and How to Best Manage Them
Bill and Megan tackle the challenging topic of being a target of blame from a high conflict individual. They provide insight into protecting yourself and managing difficult accusations.

In this eye-opening episode, Bill and Megan define what it means to be a target of blame and how this manifests. They discuss tactics for minimizing your risk of becoming a target, as well as managing situations where false accusations spread. The hosts share perspective on correcting misinformation while avoiding escalation.

Questions we answer in this episode:

How can you reduce the risk of becoming a target of blame?
What is the best way to respond when falsely accused?
When is it appropriate to correct the record with documents?
How do you avoid reinforcing hostile behavior?

Key Takeaways:

Becoming aware of high conflict personalities can help you recognize unhealthy blame.
Don't get hooked into defending yourself - it often backfires.
Provide brief, factual information to correct false claims.
Tailor your response to who needs what information.
Keep yourself calm while asserting the truth.

This insightful episode equips listeners with strategies for protecting themselves when unfairly blamed. Bill and Megan deliver compassionate perspective that can help anyone managing a high conflict situation. Their guidance empowers us to respond thoughtfully when targeted.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
ARTICLES
- Six Tips to Avoid Becoming Someone’s Target of Blame
- Personality awareness: The key skill to dealing with high-conflict people
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:30) - A Target of Blame
(02:15) - Term’s History
(04:29) - Avoiding Becoming a Target
(13:22) - How to Behave
(16:23) - Extreme Example
(18:49) - Paper Trail for Protection
(20:56) - Red Flags
(23:52) - Finding Balance
(27:07) - Wrap Up
(27:26) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: How to End a Hostile Conversation

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Civil Communications for Lawyers and Law Offices Dec 07, 2023

Effective Communication for Legal Professionals
Bill, Megan, and their guest Rehana Jamal – and Bill’s co-author – dive into strategies for clear, civil communication in the legal field. They aim to provide practical tools that lawyers, court staff, and anyone interacting with the justice system can use right away.

The episode focuses on BIFF, the High Conflict Institute's proven method for responding to emotionally-charged messages. Bill lays out the BIFF framework and walks through examples of transforming aggressive emails into responses that are Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.

Rehana weighs in with insights from her experience as an attorney and mediator. She highlights how BIFF builds relationships and saves time compared to reactionary, hostile communication.

Together, they make the case that small changes in how we communicate can transform legal conflicts and prevent escalation. Mastering constructive communication habits benefits lawyers, clients, court staff, and entire communities.

Questions we answer in this episode:

What is the BIFF response method?
When is it appropriate to apologize in a professional email?
How can BIFF improve lawyer-client relationships?
Does BIFF work for all areas of law?
Can BIFF help manage stress for legal professionals?

Key Takeaways:

Hostile emails from clients often stem from feeling discounted - a BIFF response shows you care.
Pausing before reacting gives you time to construct an informative, friendly email.
BIFF responses rarely need to be more than a concise paragraph.
Avoiding apologies in heated exchanges prevents misuse of your words.
Speaking by phone resolves issues faster than extended email chains.

The legal field deals with conflict daily. This episode provides communication tools to handle clashes with skill and grace. Bill, Megan, and Rehana model a constructive approach that improves outcomes for all involved.

Links & Other Notes

THE BOOK (available in paperback and e-book)
- BIFF for Lawyers and Law Offices: Your Guide to Respectful Written Communication with Clients, Opposing Counsel and Others
  - Purchase the book at any of the links below (or wherever books are sold):
CONSULTATION & COACHING
- Live Lab (1:1 coaching to learn verbal and written communication skills in high conflict situations)
- Consultations (1:1 educational consultation to discuss high conflict situations and cases with our high conflict experts)
COURSES
- BIFF Response® for Lawyers: Using and Teaching Respectful Communication ($47 USD)
- Coaching for a BIFF Response®
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:34) - This Episode
(01:32) - Meet Rehana Jamal
(05:15) - Reminder What BIFF Is
(07:49) - Why This Book
(12:33) - Thinking About This From a Lawyer’s Perspective
(17:33) - Rehana’s Experience
(18:41) - Time and Risk Management
(22:48) - BIFF… All the Time?
(25:43) - Issue Affects Everyone
(28:23) - Harder Than It Seems
(31:08) - Example One
(38:39) - BIFF Checker and More Book Info
(41:23) - Example Two
(45:50) - Example Three
(51:27) - Last Thoughts
(52:57) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Being a Target of Blame

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Grief Over the Death of a High Conflict Loved One Nov 23, 2023

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan provide guidance for coping with the complicated emotions that can arise when a high conflict person passes away. They cover the confusing mix of grief and relief family members often feel, how to handle being blamed after the loss, and the destabilization that can occur when a high conflict adult child loses a parent.

Questions we answer in this episode:

How do you handle the blend of grief and relief after the death of a high conflict loved one?
What if you were the target of blame by the deceased?
Why do high conflict people often lash out more after losing a stabilizing parent?
How can probate turn siblings against each other?

Key Takeaways:

It's normal to feel both grief and relief when a high conflict person dies. Don't judge yourself.
Being the target of blame can be depressing. Counseling helps with the loss and disorientation.
Loss of a stabilizing parent can really destabilize a high conflict adult child's other relationships.
High conflict people view things in black and white terms. Try to stay above the "teams" forming during probate.

Losing a family member is always difficult, but even more complicated when high conflict is involved. Bill and Megan provide compassionate insight into managing these challenging situations and emotions. They remind us that empathy, perspective and communication are key.

Links & Other Notes

CONSULTATION & COACHING
- Live Lab (1:1 coaching to learn verbal and written communication skills in high conflict situations)
- Consultations (1:1 educational consultation to discuss high conflict situations and cases with our high conflict experts)
BOOKS
- 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
- It’s All Your Fault!
ARTICLES
- Why Healing is Hard for High Conflict People
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:29) - Grief Over the Death of a High Conflict Loved One
(02:10) - Grief, Relief, and Guilt
(04:18) - Stages of Grief
(08:03) - When You Were Their Target of Blame
(10:14) - When Caregiving Parent of HCP Dies
(14:00) - Family Relationships – Complicated and Source of Identity
(17:24) - When a Narcissistic Parent Dies
(20:47) - Focus on Positive
(22:02) - Wrap Up
(22:22) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Civil Communications for Lawyers and Law Offices

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

The Art of Mindful Engagement: Using EAR Statements Judiciously Nov 16, 2023

De-escalating High Conflict People with EAR Statements: An insightful look at calming down difficult situations
In this episode, Bill and Megan dive into how to use EAR statements (showing empathy, attention, and respect) to de-escalate high conflict people and situations. They discuss the different high conflict personality types and when EAR statements can be effective tools. Bill and Megan also talk about combining EAR statements with limit setting, and when it's best to just disengage entirely.

EAR statements are a compassionate way to acknowledge someone's emotions while still maintaining professional boundaries. Bill explains how a short EAR statement can radically shift a tense interaction by making the other person feel heard and seen.

However, EAR statements aren't advisable in dangerous or abusive situations. Safety should always come first. Bill and Megan also caution that overusing empathy with manipulative personality types can backfire.

Questions we answer in this episode:

Do EAR statements work for all high conflict personalities?
How do you use EAR statements with the paranoid, narcissistic, and antisocial types?
When is it best to just disengage and set a limit?

Key Takeaways:

EAR statements show empathy, attention, and respect - this calms people down.
They work for most high conflict personalities, especially borderline and histrionic.
Disengage from aggressive people for your own safety. You have the right.
Don't over-empathize with manipulative personalities - set limits.
Compassion for people's histories can help you use EAR statements sincerely.

This insightful episode is essential listening for anyone who deals with difficult people regularly. Bill and Megan's wisdom and experience provide easy-to-implement communication tools that can transform volatile situations. Their compassionate approach promotes understanding on both sides of tense interactions.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- Calming Upset People with EAR
- High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
COURSES
- Are You Talking to the Wrong Brain?
CONSULTATION & COACHING
- Live Lab (1:1 coaching to learn verbal and written communication skills in high conflict situations)
- Consultations (1:1 educational consultation to discuss high conflict situations and cases with our high conflict experts)
ARTICLES
- EAR Statements Can Calm Clients and Anyone, Especially in Today’s World
- Calming Upset People Fast with EAR
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
- Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
- All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
- You can also find these show notes at our site as well.
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:29) - Are EAR Statements for Everyone?
(02:06) - Empathy, Attention and Respect
(08:00) - Does It Work With Everybody?
(12:02) - Acknowledgement
(14:47) - Paranoid
(16:56) - EAR and Limits
(20:30) - When Not a Professional Relationship
(23:11) - Knowing When to Protect Yourself
(24:43) - The Right to Disengage
(26:14) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Grief Over the Death of a High Conflict Loved One

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Floundering Into Adulthood: Overcoming Alienation and Parents with Personality Disorders Nov 09, 2023

Finding Your Way as a Young Adult with a High-Conflict Parent
In this week's episode, Bill and Megan discuss the challenges many young adults face when launching into independent adulthood after growing up with a high-conflict parent.

Bill and Megan have noticed an uptick in parents saying their young adult children are floundering after high school. While there are many contributing factors, a common thread seems to be having a parent with a high-conflict personality. This can significantly impact a young person's ability to find direction and become fully independent.

Bill and Megan explore the cultural and social factors that make this transitional time particularly difficult for young people today. They discuss how our interconnected online world, while having many benefits, can also lead to comparison, depression and a feeling of not belonging. Bullying and toxic relationships enabled by social media exacerbate these issues.

In addition, they examine the direct impact of growing up with a self-focused, high-conflict parent. This can leave young people feeling responsible for the parent and unable to focus on their own wants and needs. Bill and Megan provide perspective on how to overcome these challenges, emphasizing the importance of finding mentors, engaging in healthy social connections and seeking professional support if needed.

Questions we answer in this episode:

How can today's media culture negatively impact young people?
What are some strategies for young people struggling with a high-conflict parent?
Where can young adults find support and a sense of belonging?

Key Takeaways:

Comparison on social media can lead to loneliness and depression
Bullying has more power and reach than ever before
Mentors and jobs can provide direction and purpose
Group therapy and school counseling are helpful resources
Focus on developing your own identity and passions

This uplifting episode provides hope and helpful advice for young people navigating adulthood in today's complex world. Bill and Megan offer perspective and guidance for anyone supporting a young person struggling to spread their wings.

Links & Other Notes

CONSULTATION & COACHING
- Live Lab (1:1 coaching to learn verbal and written communication skills in high conflict situations)
- Consultations (1:1 educational consultation to discuss high conflict situations and cases with our high conflict experts)
BOOKS
- New Ways for Life™ Instructor’s Guide
- New Ways for Life™ Youth Journal
TRAINING COURSES FOR PROFESSIONALS
- New Ways for Life (training to work with youth 12-17 on life skills: for counselors, therapists and youth leaders)
ARTICLES
- Kids and Self-Esteem
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:31) - State of Floundering Young People
(02:33) - Why So Much Floundering?
(09:45) - Bullying and Stimulation
(13:20) - Parenting
(18:25) - When Truly Floundering
(20:16) - How Many?
(22:40) - Wrap Up
(22:58) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Are EAR Statements for All High Conflict Types?

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

When Grandkids Get Caught in High Conflict Nov 02, 2023

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter tackle questions from grandparents struggling to support grandchildren amidst high conflict co-parents.

Protecting Kids from Raging Co-Parents

First, they advise how grandparents can help shield kids from a raging, unstable parent. Recommendations include teaching emotional regulation, self-checking, and conflict management skills. Stay positive about the high conflict parent.

Co-Parenting with a Difficult Ex Long-Term

Next is guidance for co-parenting long-term with a high conflict, accusatory ex. Bill emphasizes staying calm, balanced, and solution-focused. Praise successes. Accept the limitations on your role as a grandparent.

Getting an Expert Evaluation for Court

Then Bill explains why expert testimony is critical for custody cases with a parent with tendencies like factitious disorder or personality disorders. Experts can explain the need for detailed custody orders.

Minimizing Damage as Kids Grow Up

Finally, they discuss how to minimize damage as kids mature and become more aware of a high conflict parent’s extreme behaviors. Expose kids to reasonable role models and encourage their insights.

Key Takeaways:

Teach kids emotional regulation and critical thinking
Stay positive about the high conflict parent
Get expert testimony for custody cases
Accept your limited role as a grandparent
Focus on providing stability

The key is accepting your limited role as a grandparent, focusing on your own behavior, and providing a stabilizing presence for grandchildren. Get support from other grandparents going through similar challenges.

Links & Other Notes:

COURSES
BOOKS
VIDEOS
ARTICLES
- Is Your Child Alienated?
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:34) - Grandparents and High Conflict
(00:58) - Question One
(16:14) - Question Two
(22:55) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Workplace Conflict

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Manipulators in Plain Sight: Spotting Antisocial Personality Disorder Oct 26, 2023

Podcast hosts Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter tackle listener questions about antisocial personality disorder. Bill clarifies common myths.

Recognizing Antisocial Patterns in a Spouse

The first section covers a listener asking how to respond to a psychiatrist claiming their spouse doesn't have antisocial traits. Bill explains professionals can get manipulated by antisocials' victim stories. Key antisocial patterns include blaming, aggression, rule-breaking, and lying. Make your own assessment using pattern awareness.

Seeing Antisocial Personalities in Generations of Family

Next, they discuss a listener noticing antisocial patterns across generations of their family. Bill confirms antisocial personality tends to run in families due to genetic factors. However, early childhood environment plays a role too. Having one antisocial family member doesn't mean all siblings will be.

Comparing Antisocial and Narcissistic Patterns

Finally, Bill contrasts antisocial personalities from narcissistic patterns. Antisocials straightforwardly lie while narcissists exaggerate. Both invest in false public images. However, antisocials fabricate entire stories while narcissists distort real events.

Key Takeaways:

Antisocial doesn't mean shy or introverted
Lying, aggression and rule breaking are common
The genetic link is strong but environment plays a role
Narcissists exaggerate while antisocials fabricate
Maintain healthy skepticism of far-fetched stories

Understanding personalities helps respond cautiously. Don't assume you can change them. Focus on protecting yourself. Manipulation knows no limits or social status. Maintain healthy skepticism.

Bill busts myths about antisocial personalities. Learn to recognize concerning patterns and behaviors to protect yourself.

Links & Other Notes:

COURSES
- Handling Family Law Cases Involving Antisocial High Conflict People
- Working with High Conflict Litigants - 10 Tips for Judges
BOOKS
- It’s All Your Fault!
- 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
ARTICLES
- Sociopaths and Their Deceptions
- The New Elephant in the Room: Why All Professionals Need to Learn About Personality Disorders
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:34) - Anti-Social Personality Disorder
(02:06) - Question One
(13:13) - Question Two
(18:37) - Question Three
(34:03) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Grandparents and High Conflict

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Surviving High Conflict Divorce, Custody Battles, and Parental Alienation Oct 19, 2023

Navigating High Conflict Divorce and Co-Parenting

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, hosts Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy answer listener questions to provide guidance on high conflict divorce and co-parenting dilemmas.

Ending a Divorce Dispute with a Self-Unaware Ex

The first response is to a listener asking how to finalize a divorce when a spouse lacks self-awareness. Bill explains not to expect insight from highly manipulative people. He advises weighing options and setting limits versus seeking concessions.

Making Mediation Work with a High-Conflict Ex

Next, they tackle a question about mediating with an inflexible ex-spouse. Bill recommends one or two sessions maximum before assessing if it's futile. Megan underscores making self-directed choices to end unproductive mediation.

Coping with Extreme Parental Alienation

Finally, they discuss dealing with an ex-spouse severely alienating children after divorce. Bill outlines common alienating behaviors and options like counseling or temporary custody change. Megan emphasizes understanding personalities aids strategic response.

Key Takeaways:

Don’t expect self-awareness from high-conflict people
Choose your battles wisely when negotiating with exes
Set firm limits on fruitless mediation efforts
Recognize and address alienating behaviors proactively
Personality insights assist responding strategically

Bill and Megan share hard-won experience navigating the rollercoaster of high-conflict divorce and co-parenting.

Links & Other Notes:

COURSES
BOOKS
VIDEOS
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:35) - High Conflict Divorce, Child Custody Battles, and Parental Alienation
(01:18) - Divorce with an HCP
(08:31) - Mediation in a High Conflict Divorce
(13:39) - Parental Alienation
(24:02) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Anti-Social Personality Disorder

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Over the Fence: High Conflict Neighbor Disputes Oct 12, 2023

Keeping the Peace with High Conflict Neighbors

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, hosts Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy tackle strategies for dealing with turbulent neighbor relationships driven by high conflict personalities.

Responding to False Allegations Between Neighbors

The episode opens with a listener question about two neighbors targeting each other – one with possible borderline/narcissistic traits and the other with paranoid, histrionic, and antisocial tendencies. Bill emphasizes not diagnosing anyone but notes these likely contribute to the conflict.

He recommends consulting a lawyer about legal options and avoiding engagement with false accusations. Megan adds using empathy, attention, and respect (EAR) statements can help calm tensions. They discuss cautiously recruiting an ally from the other family to encourage reasonableness.

Using Mediation with High Conflict Disputes

Another listener asks about using mediation with high-conflict disputes. Bill draws on his mediation experience and explains a specialized structure and process often helps settle these cases. Neutrality or education on expectations can be effective. Agreements made directly tend to have higher compliance.

You may be wondering:

How to respond to false allegations from a neighbor?
When is it appropriate to involve a lawyer?
Can mediation work with high conflict people?
What is the best mediator approach?
How to identify and engage a helpful ally?

Key Takeaways:

Don’t engage in arguments with hostile neighbors
Consult lawyers cautiously about legal options
Empathy and calm responses can ease tensions
Specially designed mediation can settle many disputes
Participation increases commitment to agreements

Bill and Megan share proven techniques to reduce the drama and damage caused by high conflict neighbors. Learn subtle but powerful strategies to reclaim your peace of mind.

Links & Other Notes:

AUDIO
- Managing High Conflict People in Neighbor Disputes
BOOKS
ARTICLES
- Dealing with High Conflict People (7 Tips)
LIVE LAB
- 1:1 Practice Sessions with our high-conflict experts
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:04) - High Conflict Neighbor Disputes
(10:48) - Mediation
(14:35) - Needing Authority
(21:51) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Divorce, Custody Battles, and Alienation

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Family Feuds: Navigating High Conflict Personality Clashes Oct 05, 2023

Navigating High-Conflict Family Dynamics

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, hosts Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy from the High Conflict Institute tackle challenging questions about high-conflict family members.

Helping a Child with Emotion Dysregulation

The first section covers a listener question about a 6-year-old daughter exhibiting emotional dysregulation similar to the possible borderline personality disorder (BPD) traits of her grandmother. Bill and Megan explain why a child that young can't be diagnosed with BPD, but these early signs could develop into BPD without proper skills training. They recommend validating emotions while teaching healthy self-soothing techniques and impulse control. Genetics may play a role, but good parenting can help steer a child's personality development in a positive direction.

Responding to False Allegations of Causing a Spouse's BPD

The second section discusses an ex-husband accusing his ex-wife of causing his BPD through abuse in their marriage. Bill clarifies that marriages absolutely do not cause personality disorders, which originate in childhood and adolescence due to genetics and early experiences. He advises avoiding engagement with the false allegations and projections. Megan suggests using BIFF responses like "I see this differently" to avoid escalating conflicts. Bill notes the ex-husband may honestly believe the accusations even though they are untrue.

You may be wondering:

Can young children have personality disorders?
What are effective regulation skills for emotional kids?
How do genetics play a role in personality traits?
Does marriage cause personality disorders?
How to respond to false abuse allegations?
When is it impossible to have a calm discussion?

Key Takeaways:

Personality disorders can't be diagnosed in young children
Teaching emotion regulation skills early can prevent future problems
Genetics influence but don't determine personality outcomes
Marriage does not cause personality disorders
Avoid engaging with false accusations
Some people are unable to discuss issues calmly

Bill and Megan provide compassionate clarity on how to handle turbulent family dynamics involving high-conflict personalities. Tune in to gain insight into protecting your peace of mind.

Links & Other Notes:

COURSES
- New Ways for Life™: Instructor Training for Teaching Young People the 4 Big Skills for Life
BOOKS
ARTICLES
- The New Elephant in the Room: Why All Professionals Need to Learn About Personality Disorders
- Personality Disorders Gaining Importance in Recent Legal Cases
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:22) - DFK, BPD, HCP
(09:34) - Genetic Traits
(14:06) - A High Conflict Ex
(18:09) - BPD vs. PTSD
(21:32) - How to Respond
(23:15) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Neighbor Disputes

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Caught in the Crossfire: Escaping High Conflict Contagion Sep 28, 2023

Understanding High Conflict Contagion Through Projection and Emotional Spread

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, hosts Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy from the High Conflict Institute discuss high conflict contagion through examining psychological projection and emotional spread.

Bill and Megan explain projection, where someone unconsciously projects their own feelings or behaviors onto another person. They share examples of how this manifests in workplace, family, and relationship conflicts, feeding high conflict contagion. Bill notes projection is often entirely unconscious and the projector fully believes their accusations to be true.

The hosts go on to discuss high conflict emotional contagion, where emotions rapidly spread between people during conflict. Bill explains how emotions like anger or fear can quickly spread in a polarized group or during a family dispute, amplifying high conflict contagion. Megan notes recognizing contagion is key to avoiding danger in groups.

You may be wondering:

How do projection and deflection relate to high conflict contagion?
What signs indicate someone is projecting onto me?
How do mirror neurons spread high conflict emotions?
Why does contagion lead to splitting and polarization?
How can I avoid getting hooked by high conflict contagion?

Key Takeaways:

Projection unconsciously spreads high conflict emotions
High conflict accusations often feel credible but are inaccurate
Contagion rapidly spreads high conflict emotions like anger
Recognizing contagion prevents group polarization
Checking assumptions avoids getting hooked by high conflict contagion

Bill and Megan provide insight into projection and emotional contagion as drivers of high conflict contagion in the workplace and family. Tune in to learn how to identify and respond to these unconscious dynamics.

Links & Other Notes

HCI Live Lab (for 1:1 practice managing high-conflict situations, with our coaches)
BOOKS
- Splitting
- 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
ARTICLES
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:36) - High Conflict Contagion
(01:06) - Projection
(10:37) - Deflection
(14:02) - Contagion
(22:38) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Family Conflict

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Workplace Gaslighting: Two-Person Conflict or One High-Conflict Person? Sep 21, 2023

Identifying High-Conflict People vs. Mutual Conflict at Work

In this episode of It's All Your Fault, hosts Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter discuss how to identify when workplace conflict is driven by a high-conflict person rather than being a mutual disagreement. They share research-based strategies from the High Conflict Institute.

Bill and Megan explain how to demonstrate to management that conflict is one-sided rather than two employees having a spat. They discuss options for addressing issues professionally while remaining calm and solution-focused. Bill emphasizes responding confidently. Megan shares how training can help management recognize high-conflict personalities.

You may be wondering:

How can I show this is more than just a mutual conflict?
What are signs of being gaslit when you report issues?
What options do I have for addressing the issues professionally?
How can I respond confidently and calmly?
Will training help management recognize high-conflict people?

Key Takeaways:

Provide facts about the high-conflict person's specific behaviors
Watch for gaslighting signs like being told the conflict isn't real
Explore options like transferring departments or getting coaching
Role-play responses to remain calm and solution-focused
Suggest conflict resolution training to encourage self-removal

Megan and Bill offer insightful strategies for identifying and responding to high-conflict people at work. Tune in to learn research-based approaches.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
- It’s All Your Fault!
ARTICLES
- Who Are High Conflict People?
- 4 Ways to Identify High Conflict People Before It’s Too Late
COURSES
- Who Are High Conflict People?
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:14) - Two-Person Conflict or One High-Conflict Person?
(03:01) - Gaslighting
(05:39) - Getting Mgmt to See What's Going On
(08:07) - Avoid Getting Defensive
(10:44) - When Others Catch On
(14:46) - Options
(18:02) - How to Address This Situation
(21:47) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: High Conflict Contagion

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Group Dynamics Decoded: Taming High Conflict Drama and Disruptions Sep 14, 2023

High Conflict Dynamics in Groups: Navigating Drama and Setting Limits

Welcome back to 'It's All Your Fault', the podcast from the High Conflict Institute. In this episode, Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy delve into the complex world of group dynamics when a high conflict personality is involved. They shed light on how to handle a high conflict person who is dominating a group and creating drama, drawing from a listener's question.

Dealing with High Conflict Drama in Groups

How does one handle a high conflict individual who is creating a whirlwind of drama in a group setting? How can a leader effectively manage such situations without escalating the conflict? Bill and Megan discuss these questions in detail, providing practical strategies and insights. They also explore the challenge of bias against female leaders and share tips on how to address it.

Questions You May Be Asking:

How do I handle a high conflict individual dominating a group setting?
How can I manage disruptions in group settings effectively?
How can I handle bias against female leaders?
Can a group be high conflict or is it just negative advocates?
How can I identify and address high conflict dynamics in a group?

Key Takeaways from the Episode:

High conflict behavior can occur within a group, driven by one or more individuals. It's crucial to identify this behavior and address it effectively.
When dealing with disruptions in group settings, the focus should be on setting limits on disruptive behavior, rather than addressing the content of the disruption.
Female leaders may face bias and must confidently set boundaries and establish their working processes.
Setting agendas and standards for group behavior can help manage high conflict dynamics. It's important to enforce these standards and nip disruptive behavior in the bud.
In a challenging high conflict environment, seeking external professional help like coaching can be beneficial in managing conflict and improving group dynamics.

If you have questions or insights about dealing with high conflict personalities in group settings, feel free to submit them via the podcast's contact page on the High Conflict Institute's website.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- It’s All Your Fault at Work!
AUDIO
- Managing High Conflict Situations in the Workplace: For Managers & Supervisors
ARTICLES
- How to Work with Someone Who Creates Unnecessary Chaos
- Seven Steps to Tackling Organizational Splitting
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:02) - When Groups Have High Conflict
(02:07) - Can a Group Be High Conflict?
(06:55) - Group Dynamics
(10:05) - Times to Ignore
(12:17) - Coaching
(14:43) - Gender Bias
(18:57) - Setting Agendas
(25:00) - Why So Relevant Today?
(26:00) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Helping Management

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

High Conflict Under the Microscope: Unveiling New Insights from a Summer of Reflection Sep 07, 2023

Kicking Off Season 3: Summer Reflections and High Conflict Insights

Welcome back to Season 3 of 'It's All Your Fault', the insightful podcast from the High Conflict Institute. Co-hosts Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter start this season with a deep dive into their key learnings from their summer break.

Unpacking Summer Lessons on High Conflict Behavior

In this episode, Bill and Megan share their experiences and insights gained during their summer hiatus. They delve into recognizing high conflict behavior, understanding vulnerability in high conflict situations, and managing disruptive behavior in group settings.

Questions Answered in This Episode:

What are the tell-tale signs of high conflict behavior that might not be immediately apparent?
How does vulnerability manifest in high conflict situations?
How can you effectively manage unexpected disruptive behavior in group settings?
What are the implications of the recent court case, Vinson Vs. Kinsey, for domestic violence restraining orders?

Key Insights from the Episode:

High conflict individuals often perceive themselves as special or superior, which can be a red flag for potential conflict.
The concept of vulnerability has different implications in high conflict situations. While vulnerability can be beneficial in equal relationships, it can be exploited in unequal ones.
When handling disruptive behavior in group settings, the focus should be on setting limits on the behavior, rather than addressing the content of the disruption.
The recent court case Vinson Vs. Kinsey highlighted the importance of considering the totality of a domestic violence situation, rather than focusing on individual incidents.

If you have questions or insights about dealing with high conflict personalities, you're welcome to submit them via the podcast's contact page on the High Conflict Institute's website.

Links & Other Notes

WEBSITES
- Try reading Empowerment Script
COURSES
- Resistance, Refusal and the Child’s Brain
BOOKS
- Don’t Alienate the Kids
- Sam the Tram’s Dance Club [written in back-and-forth style — Empowerment Script]
ARTICLES
The Vinson vs. Kinsey Case
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(00:38) - Season 3
(01:18) - What They've Been Up To
(05:39) - What They've Learned
(23:03) - What They've Learned Part II
(31:18) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Group High Conflict

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

REBROADCAST: 10 Paradigm Shifts of High Conflict Mediation with Guest Michael Lomax Aug 31, 2023

Mediating high conflict disputes requires a shift from many standard mediation approaches. When one or more of the parties has a high conflict personality, the process should have more structure and focus away from common mediation topics, such as emotions, the past, and interests, and instead focus more strictly on problem-solving. By having the clients participate more actively in the process – and the mediator serve more as a guide for their active participation – they are more likely to reach their own agreements and follow them.

In today’s episode, Bill and Megan talk with attorney/mediator Michael Lomax, co-author of Mediating High Conflict Disputes (Unhooked Books, 2021) about 10 paradigm shifts that are necessary for mediating high conflict disputes, and serve as the backbone for the New Ways for Mediation®. They will also discuss why to avoid mediating apologies.

Links & Other Notes

ABOUT MICHAEL LOMAX
BOOKS
- Mediating High Conflict Disputes: A Breakthrough Approach with Tips and Tools, and the New Ways for Mediation Method
- So What’s Your Proposal? Shifting High-Conflict People from Blaming to Problem-Solving in 30 Seconds!
ARTICLES
- 10 Paradigm Shifts of High Conflict Mediation
ONLINE COURSES
- Hybrid On Demand + Live Virtual Training: 12-hour New Ways for Mediation Training with Licensure
- On Demand Course (75-minute training + 3-hour demonstration): New Ways for Mediation Training and Demonstration
- On Demand Course: So, What’s Your Proposal? Using Proposals with High Conflict Clients

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:41) - 10 Paradigm Shifts of High Conflict Mediation
(02:47) - Michael's Background
(05:18) - Writing the Book with Bill
(07:11) - Paradigm Shifts
(08:09) - Paradigm Shift #1
(10:28) - Paradigm Shift #2
(14:43) - Paradigm Shift #3
(18:59) - Paradigm Shift #4
(21:23) - Paradigm Shift #5
(25:30) - Paradigm Shift #6
(27:28) - Paradigm Shift #7
(30:19) - Paradigm Shift #8
(33:11) - Paradigm Shift #9
(38:07) - Paradigm Shift #10
(42:15) - Paradigm Shift #11
(44:54) - Paradigm Shift #12
(47:35) - Wrap Up

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

REBROADCAST: The New Elephant in the Room: Personality Disorders Aug 17, 2023

Personality disorders are mystifying to those unfamiliar with them, and even to some in the mental health profession, although with copious amounts of information online about them these days, everyone acts like an expert and the terminology is bandied about with authority.

It’s sticky and fascinating information. Unexplainable behaviors can quickly be explained away as narcissistic personality disorder or other personality disorder types. Once that thought happens, it’s easy to develop confirmation bias, which we talked about in the last episode. But it can be dangerous information, information that must be treated with respect and caution.

In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss:

Are personality disorders a type of mental illness? What is different about them? How common are they?
How do they appear in everyday life? Would I know if someone had one? Examples?
What questions should be asked in relation to personality disorder and criminal behavior, including the current tragic case of the Idaho murders?
Are all people with personality disorders high conflict people?
If I think someone has a personality disorder should I tell them?
If I want to explain to a friend or family member what a personality disorder is, what should I say?

Links & Other Notes

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:30) - How to Understand Personality Disorders
(02:56) - Are Personality Disorders a Type of Mental Illness?
(06:25) - Higher Percentage?
(08:31) - A Different Way to Find the Solution
(11:55) - Careful Labelling
(12:42) - How Would I Know?
(14:56) - Idaho Murder Case Example
(19:20) - Personality Disorder Does Not Equal HCP
(21:36) - Blame and Charm
(23:30) - Always There
(24:18) - Lack of Self-Awareness
(25:49) - Explaining Personality Disorders
(29:51) - Last Thoughts
(30:38) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Getting It Backwards in Family Court

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Walking Away Aug 03, 2023

Some relationships with high conflict people reach a point where the only one getting frustrated and hurt is YOU.

It is okay to walk away? Are some relationships so damaging that staying in them is damaging to you? Will the guilt draw you back under their spell? Will it trigger abandonment, inferiority, or other issues in the person with a high conflict personality, and possibly backfire on you?

Bill and Megan discuss this tricky topic in relation to family, friend and other relationships. How do you know when the time is right? Should you continue trying to reconcile or just stop? And what steps should be taken if you choose to walk away? Listen in as Megan and Bill explore this sensitive, critical subject.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
ON DEMAND COURSES
- How to Write a BIFF Response
- The Brain 101: How to Communicate Effectively
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:30) - Walking Away
(02:06) - When Can You Walk Away?
(05:46) - When They're Part of Your Faith-Based Community
(08:16) - Hitting the Point
(11:34) - Things to Consider With the Five Types
(17:26) - Think It Through
(19:00) - When Really Emotionally Hooked
(22:51) - Step by Step
(24:08) - Setting LImits
(25:05) - Last Thoughts
(26:05) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Splitting

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Apology Quicksand Jul 27, 2023

It’s not unusual that high conflict people demand an apology from a reasonable person who has attempted to set limits on them, such as a supervisor in a workplace dispute or someone in a neighbor dispute.

While apologies resolve many disputes between reasonable people, they are a much different matter with HCPs and usually need to be avoided. However, don’t be surprised that high conflict people frequently will demand an apology from another party, at times saying that they cannot move forward without such an apology. Sometimes a reasonable person will demand an apology from a high conflict person because of their extreme behavior, also saying that they can’t move forward without it. Many relationships (and mediations) bog down here in the apology quicksand.

Bill and Megan discuss this apology quicksand – how we get there, how to avoid it, and what to do if someone’s demanding an apology from you.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame You for Everything
- Calming Upset People with EAR
ON DEMAND COURSES
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:31) - Apology Quicksand
(02:05) - Instant Apology When Blamed
(08:27) - Processing 'I'm Sorry' as Adversarial
(09:56) - Alternatives
(12:58) - The Source of the Apology
(14:27) - In Mediation
(20:31) - Between Friends or Family
(25:35) - What If You're in the Wrong?
(27:03) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Walking Away

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

HOA Headaches with High Conflict Complaints Jul 20, 2023

What do you do when a community resident or homeowner calls with complaints as consistently as the sun rises and sets? Some are chronic complainers but easily handled with some attention and/or humor.

But what if you have a persistent complainer who watches the neighbors like a hawk and insists that all homeowners follow HOA regulations to the letter of the law? And complains to HOA management with any and all violations or perceived violations, with expectations of punishment and consequences for the offender, even when it’s about the trash bin that’s left out an extra hour or two?

Is this someone with a high conflict personality? Or does that strict adherence to rules and regulations mean that this person may have an Obsessive Compulsive personality? While we don’t and won’t diagnose – and neither should you – Bill and Megan discuss whether this personality type may be in the Cluster B category (high conflict) or Cluster C category (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder), and what to do about it if you’re confronted with this behavior in an HOA or anywhere.

Note: Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder and someone with “OCD” are different. We’ll discuss this in this episode.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
ON DEMAND COURSES
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:29) - Chapter 2
(02:26) - We've Been Busy
(05:07) - OCD or OCPD in an HOA
(08:42) - OCD
(11:52) - OCPD
(16:46) - Back to the HOA Situation
(22:09) - Learning to Manage It
(25:25) - Family Example
(27:03) - Will It Resolve?
(29:34) - Wrap Up
(29:51) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Apology Quicksand

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

REBROADCAST: TikTok Famous: Parental Alienation and Barricaded Bedrooms Jul 13, 2023

While We Wait on the Court’s Decision...

New information regarding the alleged child abuse from the father has come to light, causing the judge to delay his order enforcing the father’s custody of Ty and Brynlee Larson. While we wait on the results, we return to our episode from earlier this year to discuss the ins and outs of the case while we’re still on our hiatus.

Alienation in Utah

High-conflict situations often include extreme behaviors and the case we’ll discuss in this episode is a perfect example of extreme behaviors.

In the U.S. state of Utah, a 15-year-old boy released a TikTok video detailing his family’s high-conflict drama. According to the video, he had barricaded himself along with his 12-year-old sister inside a room at their mother’s house in order to avoid a judge’s order to reunite with their allegedly abusive father. His videos detailing this harrowing and dramatic experience have made him TikTok famous, at the very least.

The issue in many (most) alienation cases is that the courts don’t know who to believe. Is mom lying? Is dad lying? Are the kids lying? It’s a mess for the courts to identify what’s happening and a tragedy for all involved.

In today’s episode, Megan lists the case details and asks you, the listener, to decide who is lying and who is telling the truth. Then, Bill provides an analysis of the case and how we can use a structured approach to understanding what’s going on, or at least make a best attempt at figuring it out.

Links & Other Notes:

RELATED NEWS ARTICLES
COURSES
- High-Conflict Co-Parenting Online Course (coaching optional)
BOOKS
- BIFF for Co-Parent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts
- Don’t Alienate the Kids
ARTICLES
- Alienation Update
- High Conflict Divorce and Separations Basics (audios)
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:22) - The Case of Ty and Brynlee Larson
(07:56) - Breaking It Down
(19:28) - Reasonable Force?
(23:27) - Wrap Up
(24:17) - Coming Next Week: Leaking Classified Documents

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

REBROADCAST: Parental Alienation in Divorce with Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, Part 2 Jun 29, 2023

While on hiatus, we’re re-releasing some of our past episodes. This week, we’re finishing to our 2-part conversation with Dr. Amy J.L. Baker about high conflict divorce.

High conflict divorce and separation in the family courts consumes the majority of the courts’ time and resources and provides the most frustration and confusion.

In this episode Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, parental alienation expert and author of 9 books, including Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex; The High-Conflict Custody Battle; and Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome will talk with Bill and Megan about:

Whether favored parents ever recognize that they’re doing it
Parental alienation vs. parental estrangement
Recommendations for lawyers when a child resists or refuses contact
Tips for what can be done in mild, moderate, severe cases
Tips for lawyers and therapists
Tips for parents and grandparents
Programs that can help reconnect a child with a rejected parent

Links & Other Notes

WEBSITES

BOOKS

OTHER

Our website
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
Books: all of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold.
You can also find these show notes at our site.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:21) - Adult Children and Alienation
(05:12) - Advice
(10:26) - Recognizing You're Alienating
(14:14) - Personality Disorders and Labels
(17:33) - Evolving the Term
(22:43) - Added to the DSM?
(25:18) - Treatment
(29:28) - Therapists
(35:27) - Lawyers
(37:20) - Parents
(39:48) - Cutting Off Contact
(42:05) - Wrapping Up
(43:14) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Part 2 of our High Conflict Divorce series

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

REBROADCAST: Parental Alienation in Divorce with Dr. Amy J. L. Baker, Part 1 Jun 15, 2023

While on hiatus, we’re re-releasing some of our past episodes. To start, we’re returning to our 2-part conversation with Dr. Amy J.L. Baker about high conflict divorce.

High conflict divorce and separation in the family courts consumes the majority of the court’s time and resources and provides the most frustration and confusion.

We talk with renowned parental alienation expert Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, the author of nine books including Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex, The High-Conflict Custody Battle, and Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Alienation is one of the most challenging, confusing, and terrifying events in one’s life. Bill and Megan talk with Dr. Baker about:

Alienation defined
Terminology: parental alienation or some other term
Prevalence in divorce/separation
Whether it is increasing or not
Causes of alienation
Research on adult children of parental alienation
Whether adult children of parental alienation mostly connect or not with parents someday
Recommendation to parents whose children have cut them off?

Links & Other Notes

WEBSITES

BOOKS

OTHER

Our website
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold.
You can also find these show notes on our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:23) - Part I of High Conflict Divorce Series
(04:43) - Dr. Amy J.L. Baker
(10:18) - What Is Alienation?
(13:44) - Alienation vs. Estrangement
(16:36) - The Five Factor Model
(24:23) - How Prevalent Is Alienation?
(27:36) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Part 2 of our High Conflict Divorce series

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

The New Ways for Families Program May 25, 2023

Bill and Megan are off to Scotland to talk about their New Ways for Families Program. Scotland will be the first country that implements the High Conflict Institute’s program countrywide, which is very exciting. In this abbreviated episode, Bill walks through the program’s approach and its methods.

Links & Other Notes

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:01) - New Ways for Families Program
(06:33) - The Approach
(08:28) - Methods
(09:57) - Skills
(11:27) - Wrap Up
(11:47) - Schedule Update

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Exposure and Humiliation as a High-Conflict Strategy May 18, 2023

In some high conflict cases, we may have reached the end of our rope and resort to what we see as our only option: threatening to expose the high conflict person’s bad behavior to others. Will this work or will it backfire?

In today’s episode, Megan and Bill discuss this delicate and challenging topic, including:

Does exposure of bad behavior work?
Does the threat of exposure have a chance of success?
Is there a steadfast rule or does it depend on the situation?
What if a distortion campaign has been waged against you?
Plus, alternatives to exposure and humiliation...

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
ARTICLES
- Fire or Keep High-Conflict Employees?
- Should Employees with High-Conflict Behaviors Be Given a Chance to Change?
PROGRAMS/COURSES
- New Ways
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:27) - Exposure and Humiliation as a High-Conflict Strategy
(03:16) - Good or Bad Idea?
(09:10) - Exposure Doesn't Necessarily Stop Them
(12:04) - Good Strategies
(15:48) - Get Toxic People Out of Your Life
(19:05) - Conversions Through Coaching
(20:52) - Thinking It Through
(22:24) - Intervention
(24:55) - Coming Next Week: Harry, Megan, and the Coronation

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Let a Win Be a Win in High Conflict May 11, 2023

The definition of a “win” is different in high conflict situations as opposed to ordinary conflict. Not recognizing that a win looks quite different can inadvertently escalate conflict or take a few steps backwards.

In today’s episode, Megan and Bill talk about:

defining what it means to “win” in high conflict
do you need to reach an expected outcome to have success
temptation to keep going when you should stop
when do you know if you’ve won
choosing your battles
avoid opening up emotions
focusing on keeping people focused on thinking and doing

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
ARTICLES
- Tips On Offering Mediation To A High Conflict Employee
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:21) - How to Avoid Sabotaging a Successful Interaction
(03:30) - Definition of a Win in High Conflict Situations
(06:07) - Choosing Your Battles
(08:02) - Praise vs. Opening Up Emotions
(10:22) - Making Progress, Not Perfection
(13:08) - Fuhgedaboudits
(18:38) - Blame as Indicator
(21:26) - Coming Next Week: Exposure and Humiliation as a High-Conflict Strategy

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Narcissists Who Endanger Their Countries May 04, 2023

Who can you trust with national security documents? An article by Tom Nicholas in The Atlantic titled The Narcissists Who Endanger America points the finger at narcissists as those who are the hardest for the U.S. national security community to spot.

Why are they hard to spot? How can you know in advance?

In today’s episode, Bill and Megan discuss this difficult topic that impacts countries globally.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
COURSES
- Dealing with Narcissistic Personalities: The Arrogant Players of Divorce
- Conflict Influencer Certification Course
ARTICLES
- The Narcissists Who Endanger American [available only with paid subscription to The Atlantic]
- The Narcissism of the Angry Young Men [available only with paid subscription to The Atlantic]
- Sociopaths and Their Deceptions
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:32) - Leaked National Security Secrets
(02:42) - Narcissism Principle
(05:57) - Being Seen as Superior
(07:03) - Malignant vs. Benign Narcissists
(10:58) - This Case vs. Snowden's
(15:14) - Times to Break the Laws
(20:12) - Still Developing at Younger Ages
(22:25) - Earning Trust
(25:06) - Don't Give Them Power Over You
(26:28) - Last Thoughts
(27:22) - Coming Next Week: Letting a Win Be a Win

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

TikTok Famous: Parental Alienation and Barricaded Bedrooms Apr 27, 2023

Alienation in Utah

High-conflict situations often include extreme behaviors and the case we’ll discuss in this episode is a perfect example of extreme behaviors.

In the U.S. state of Utah, a 15-year-old boy released a TikTok video detailing his family’s high-conflict drama. According to the video, he had barricaded himself along with his 12-year-old sister inside a room at their mother’s house in order to avoid a judge’s order to reunite with their allegedly abusive father. His videos detailing this harrowing and dramatic experience have made him TikTok famous, at the very least.

The issue in many (most) alienation cases is that the courts don’t know who to believe. Is mom lying? Is dad lying? Are the kids lying? It’s a mess for the courts to identify what’s happening and a tragedy for all involved.

In today’s episode, Megan lists the case details and asks you, the listener, to decide who is lying and who is telling the truth. Then, Bill provides an analysis of the case and how we can use a structured approach to understanding what’s going on, or at least make a best attempt at figuring it out.

Links & Other Notes:

RELATED NEWS ARTICLES
- ProPublica article
- New York Post article
COURSES
- High-Conflict Co-Parenting Online Course (coaching optional)
BOOKS
- BIFF for Co-Parent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts
- Don’t Alienate the Kids
ARTICLES
- Alienation Update
- High Conflict Divorce and Separations Basics (audios)
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:22) - The Case of Ty and Brynlee Larson
(07:56) - Breaking It Down
(19:28) - Reasonable Force?
(23:27) - Wrap Up
(24:17) - Coming Next Week: Leaking Classified Documents

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

HCPs in HR, Genuine vs. Feigned Empathy, and Child HCPs Apr 20, 2023

In this episode, Megan and Bill answer your questions on a variety of high-conflict topics, including:

“How does one handle it when your HR professional is an HCP?”
“Can lawyers sometimes use EAR Statements and other HCP communication techniques in a patronizing, stigmatizing, diagnosing way? Instead of using genuine empathy?”
“I was wondering if you have ever considered doing a podcast about HCP traits in children?”

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- It’s All Your Fault: 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
- It’s All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict People
TRAINING
- New Ways for Work: Coaching Challenging Employees to Reduce High Conflict Situations in the Workplace
- New Ways for Life™: Instructor Training for Teaching Young People the 4 Big Skills for Life
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:31) - Listener Questions
(02:12) - HCPs in HR
(10:48) - Genuine vs. Feined Empathy
(17:22) - Child HCPs
(24:11) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Alienation in Utah

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Blamers Who Call CPS, Minimizing Contact with HCPS, and Quiet HCPs Apr 13, 2023

More Listener Questions!

In this episode, Megan and Bill answer your questions on high-conflict topics that matter to you, including:

How do you stop a high conflict person from calling state authorities on you? No prosecutor will charge my ex with filing a false police report. I'm already suing in civil court for damages, but this outcome will take years to conclude and she's still making threats to call the police.
Is minimizing contact with an HCP ever acceptable? Are there any circumstances where it might actually be what you would recommend? What is your take on long term abuse of power, and whether or not it’s ever ok to draw a line and say, “I’m just going to go minimal contact so I can maximize the energy I can spend with our kids”?
Can you discuss how high conflict people may present and not normally yell and scream or argue?

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- Don’t Alienate the Kids
- High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
ARTICLE
- Quick Tips for Controlling Communications with a Hostile Ex
COURSE
- New Ways for Families: Parenting Without Conflict (for court-ordered mandatory parent education requirement)
- New Ways for Families + coaching
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:18) - Minimizing Conflict with HCPs
(09:33) - More Than Just Yelling and Arguing
(13:43) - When They Blame You
(18:55) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: More Listener Questions

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

High Conflict People in Mediation, Emotional Triggers in BIFF Responses, and Hereditary Antisocial Personality Disorder Apr 06, 2023

In this episode, Bill and Megan continue answering listener questions:

“I am a family mediator. My practice focuses on keeping people out of court and helping them navigate their divorce in mediation. In my experience, high conflict personalities do NOT do well in this kind of mediation. It’s as if they “need” the authority of a lawyer or even a judge to bring their expectations and demands into the realm of reality. They often “shoot themselves in the foot” as well.”
“I’m curious if you are familiar with Nonviolent Communication. Listening to the BIFF responses podcast, which I love, I’m curious if you consider the emotional side of things when working with companies. I have found that empathy can mitigate emotional triggers so people CAN deliver BIFF responses. Until and unless people get empathy, they may not be able to BIFF it!”
“Do you often see High Conflict with Antisocial Personality Disorder in multiple generations? After listening to your podcast about ASD with HCD, I think my father had ASD, and my younger sibling has both. My father passed away after creating much chaos during his life, including disowning me. My sibling is very much alive, and creating a lot of chaos and problems?”

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
COURSE
- New Ways for Mediation (general mediation) training
- New Ways for Mediation (family mediation) training
ARTICLES
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:30) - More Listener Questions
(02:17) - Mediation and Authority
(07:23) - Non-Violent Communication
(11:01) - Antisocial Personality Disorder Inherited?
(18:14) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: More Listener Questions

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Narcissistic Co-Parents, Borderline Spouses, and Intimidating Behaviors Mar 30, 2023

In this episode Megan and Bill answer listener questions:

“I'm going through a high conflict custody case with someone who it would appear has some form of Narcissistic High Conflict Personality. I was wondering if you could point me in a useful direction regarding how to help my toddler through this really terrible custody battle and beyond.”
“I really struggle to know how to handle situations where a decision needs to be made quickly and we [the HCP and I] have opposite approaches in mind. For instance, a decision about whether to hold someone else to account (who I don’t believe really did anything wrong). I’d love wisdom on how to manage intimidating behavior (when they are intimidating you into following their instructions). Would you ever recommend quietly explaining the problem to someone else who is caught up in the situation?”
“Can someone develop Borderline Personality Disorder traits from living with someone with BPD (or BPD traits)? And how do I find a good counselor for myself that can help me recover from living with her?”

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
COURSE
- New Ways for Families Online Class (and coaching): for High Conflict Divorce and Custody Disputes
- https://www.conflictplaybook.com/NWFF
AUDIO SERIES
- High Conflict Separation & Divorce Basics
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:16) - Listener Questions
(02:53) - Handling a Toddler with a Narcissistic Parent
(08:54) - Managing Intimidating Behavior
(14:25) - Is There Ever a Time to Explain the Truth?
(17:16) - Can You Develop BPD Traits From Another?
(24:51) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: More Listener Questions!

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

The Alex Murdaugh Con and How to Avoid Being Conned Mar 23, 2023

Alex Murdaugh conned a lot of people in his rural community, in his professional circles, and even within his family. He gained the confidence of those around him with his lies, charm, influence, and financial status. Sadly, many were impacted, including the most vulnerable – his clients.

In this episode, Megan and Bill discuss how Alex conned and how to avoid being conned. They cover:

Alex’s conning M.O.
con artists and fake emergencies
lying vs. conning
Primitive Emotional Power (PEP)
shape-shifters
attraction to con artists
being impressed by con artists
how to spot and how to avoid being conned

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
- Dating Radar
ARTICLES
- Five Types of High-Conflict Personalities
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:26) - Alex Murdaugh Part 2
(04:35) - Why do people get conned?
(09:17) - Warning Signs
(13:31) - Kindness as Part of Con
(15:07) - Our Draw to Power
(18:22) - Those Who Surrounded Him
(22:04) - Levels of Reading Signals
(25:11) - How to Avoid Being Conned
(26:53) - The Bully's Story
(28:40) - Community Pressure
(32:40) - When We Were Conned
(36:47) - Wrap Up
(37:43) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Listener Questions

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Alex Murdaugh’s Personality: Is He a Sociopath, Psychopath, Antisocial? Mar 16, 2023

The Alex Murdaugh murder case has captivated people in the U.S. and around the globe. Technology allowed us to see with our own eyes and hear with our own ears the actions and voice of a man with a family and legal dynasty before and during his double murder trial for killing his wife, Maggie, and son Paul. Is Alex Murdaugh a sociopath, psychopath, narcissist, or did he have antisocial personality disorder? Although Bill and Megan don’t diagnose anyone, they discuss the Alex Murdaugh case in this episode through the lens of high conflict and by examining the criteria of other mental health disorders via the DSM-V-TR.

In this first episode of a two-part series, Bill and Megan discuss the Alex Murdaugh case in relation to:

the role of remorse, empathy, trust and aggression
how people who commit such heinous acts see the world—and the hostility bias
can he love his family and still murder them
clues to his personality
why he didn’t look at his surviving son Buster after sentencing
what he may have been feeling or experiencing as witnesses testified against him
the impact his opioid addiction may have had on his actions or whether it was an excuse
the pattern of lying, secrets, and gaining sympathy

In the next episode, we’ll talk about how his colleagues and others around him were conned and how to avoid being conned yourself.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
- High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
ARTICLES
COURSES
- Dealing with Sociopaths: The Con Artists of Divorce
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:30) - The Trial of Alex Murdaugh Part I
(02:30) - Background
(05:28) - What We Saw During Trial
(08:47) - Caught in a Lie
(11:26) - Possible Take
(17:09) - Didn't Look at Son
(20:02) - Opioid Addiction
(22:39) - Can He Love Them and Still Kill Them?
(25:45) - In Defense of Narcissists
(26:31) - What Was He Thinking?
(28:52) - Mistakes? Signs?
(31:40) - Born With Disorders
(33:45) - Overcoming the Con
(36:28) - When Pressured
(39:20) - Closing
(40:15) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: How to Avoid Being Conned

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Why Connection Is So Important in High Conflict Interactions Mar 09, 2023

One of the cornerstones of successful management of high conflict interactions is connection. In fact, it is the “C” in the CARS Method®—a set of principles for managing high conflict disputes and interactions.

In today’s episode, Megan and Bill talk about this exceedingly important principle of connection, including:

why connection is foundational to successful interactions with high conflict people
the brain’s request for connection
why it is so difficult to remember to connect before problem-solving
the impact of connecting—using EAR Statements
whether connection and EAR Statements can be over-used

LINKS

BOOKS
- Calming Upset People with EAR
ARTICLES
- Calming Upset People Fast with EAR
- The CARS Method®
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:17) - Intro to Connection
(03:18) - Foundational to Successful Interactions
(05:10) - Connection vs. Isolation
(06:13) - Connecting with an HCP
(09:13) - How the Brain's Involved
(14:39) - Hostility Bias
(15:56) - Misreading Cues
(18:52) - Difference in Cultures
(20:32) - Remember to Connect First
(25:32) - EAR Statements
(27:40) - Can You Overdo It?
(30:48) - Wrap Up
(31:20) - Reminders

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

High Conflict Workplace Investigations with Guest Host Cherolyn Knapp and Guest Bob Stenhouse Mar 02, 2023

Workplace investigations. If you’ve been through one, it may have been easily worked out with assistance from the professionals involved or it may have been a nightmare if someone with a high conflict personality was involved.

Whether you are an employee, a manager, in human resources, or a workplace investigator, you will want to listen in as two workplace investigators discuss high conflict investigations.

Megan is joined by guest co-host Cherolyn Knapp and guest Bob Stenhouse, founder of Veritas Solutions and highly decorated and nationally recognized serious and organized crime investigator with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, to discuss:

what a workplace investigator entails
how people with high conflict personalities show up in workplace investigations
what types of challenges do people with high conflict personalities pose for investigator teams and what workplace investigators need to do to build rapport with anyone they interview to be able to gather the information they need
training for workplace investigators
using BIFF as part of the structure of a workplace investigation
challenges faced by workplace investigators in relation to high conflict
building high conflict skills and techniques into your workplace investigation
what workplace investigators need to know about the DARVO concept
types of recommendations for employers on how to remediate situations where they may be findings of bullying, harassing or discriminatory behaviour or misconduct by an employee who has high conflict personality traits

Links & Other Notes

Bob Stenhouse on the web
ARTICLES
- Truck Convoy Protest in Ottawa: A Missed Opportunity for High Conflict Resolution? by guest co-host Cherolyn Knapp
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:36) - Today's Topic: Bob Stenhouse
(02:48) - Meet Bob Stenhouse
(07:18) - Types of Workplace Misconduct Allegations
(08:10) - When It Involves High Conflict
(11:14) - Challenges from HCPs
(13:22) - Escalating Situations
(15:59) - Training
(18:34) - Trainee Stories of HCPs
(20:23) - Informal Poll
(22:48) - Both at Fault?
(25:41) - DARVO
(28:57) - Targets of Blame
(30:57) - Learning From RCMP
(32:43) - Training to Navigate HCPs
(33:40) - Reminders & Coming Next Week:
(35:46) - Elephant in the Room
(38:51) - At the End of an Investigation
(43:34) - Wrap Up

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Divorce Radio and Celebrity Divorce with Guest Ilyssa Panitz Feb 23, 2023

Divorce is hard and often confusing with bits of information online, in books and other sources, which can be helpful but also confusing. Journalist and radio host Ilyssa Panitz, THE Divorce Journalist, joins Bill and Megan in this episode to discuss her divorce radio show, how it began and why it is so helpful to both people experiencing divorce first-hand and for professionals too. She also has unique insight into celebrity divorce They will discuss:

Her radio show The Divorce Hour with Ilyssa Panitz
increase of high conflict divorce during and since the pandemic
what she’s hearing from her listeners
similarities and differences between celebrity divorces and everyone else
the most important things she has learned about divorce by doing the radio show

Links & Other Notes

ILYSSA’S WEBSITE
ILYSSA’S RADIO SHOW
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:22) - Meet Ilyssa Panitz
(07:35) - Ilyssa's Background
(09:35) - Radio Show
(13:45) - Finding Experts
(16:30) - High Conflict Divorce
(18:50) - Affects of Pandemic
(21:34) - Listener Feedback
(24:56) - Lessons Learned
(28:08) - Celebrity Divorces
(34:10) - Biggest Lessons Learned
(37:29) - Wrapping Up
(40:36) - Coming Next Week: Listener Questions

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

10 Paradigm Shifts of High Conflict Mediation with Guest Michael Lomax Feb 16, 2023

Mediating high conflict disputes requires a shift from many standard mediation approaches. When one or more of the parties has a high conflict personality, the process should have more structure and focus away from common mediation topics, such as emotions, the past, and interests, and instead focus more strictly on problem-solving. By having the clients participate more actively in the process – and the mediator serve more as a guide for their active participation – they are more likely to reach their own agreements and follow them.

In today’s episode, Bill and Megan talk with attorney/mediator Michael Lomax, co-author of Mediating High Conflict Disputes (Unhooked Books, 2021) about 10 paradigm shifts that are necessary for mediating high conflict disputes, and serve as the backbone for the New Ways for Mediation®. They will also discuss why to avoid mediating apologies.

Links & Other Notes

ABOUT MICHAEL LOMAX
BOOKS
- Mediating High Conflict Disputes: A Breakthrough Approach with Tips and Tools, and the New Ways for Mediation Method
- So What’s Your Proposal? Shifting High-Conflict People from Blaming to Problem-Solving in 30 Seconds!
ARTICLES
- 10 Paradigm Shifts of High Conflict Mediation
ONLINE COURSES
- Hybrid On Demand + Live Virtual Training: 12-hour New Ways for Mediation Training with Licensure
- On Demand Course (75-minute training + 3-hour demonstration): New Ways for Mediation Training and Demonstration
- On Demand Course: So, What’s Your Proposal? Using Proposals with High Conflict Clients

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:41) - 10 Paradigm Shifts of High Conflict Mediation
(02:47) - Michael's Background
(05:18) - Writing the Book with Bill
(07:11) - Paradigm Shifts
(08:09) - Paradigm Shift #1
(10:28) - Paradigm Shift #2
(14:43) - Paradigm Shift #3
(18:59) - Paradigm Shift #4
(21:23) - Paradigm Shift #5
(25:30) - Paradigm Shift #6
(27:28) - Paradigm Shift #7
(30:19) - Paradigm Shift #8
(33:11) - Paradigm Shift #9
(38:07) - Paradigm Shift #10
(42:15) - Paradigm Shift #11
(44:54) - Paradigm Shift #12
(47:35) - Wrap Up

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Family Law in Israel with Guest Michal Fein Feb 09, 2023

Is it possible to change family law in an entire country? Change that results in improvements for families, and especially for children?

In today’s episode, Bill and Megan talk with family law attorney, Michal Fein, of Tel Aviv, Israel, about a law she wrote to address some problematic issues in Israel’s family law system—the Family Disputes Settlement Law. They will discuss:

what prompted the change and why it was needed
what the Family Disputes Settlement Law was intended to do
whether it was met with resistance and were there implementation challenges
data at the two-year and six-year marks—did court applications (filings) increase, decrease or stay the same
did the new law impact domestic violence, alienation, mediation and other divorce-related challenges
whether the pandemic impacted divorce rates in Israel
Michal’s hope for the future of family law in Israel

Links & Other Notes

WEBSITE for MICHAL FEIN
- News and Blogs
ARTICLE: How Israel Substantially Reduced Litigation In Family Court
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:21) - Meet Michal Fein
(05:14) - Question Round
(09:33) - Background of Her Law
(23:20) - Resistance
(25:53) - Implementation
(28:00) - Changing Over Time
(31:19) - Changes They've Seen
(34:21) - Domestic Violence
(37:07) - Mediation
(38:15) - Affects of Pandemic
(40:46) - Hope for Family Law's Future in Israel
(43:06) - Wrap Up
(44:08) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Connection in High Conflict Interactions

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Telling a High Conflict Spouse That You Want a Divorce Feb 02, 2023

One of the hardest decisions when divorcing a high-conflict spouse is how and when to tell that person that you want a divorce. How will the person react? Will I be in danger? Will my life become a worse hell?

In this episode, Megan and Bill discuss this extremely relevant and important topic, starting with a question from a listener. They will discuss:

What should you do if your partner doesn’t know yet that you want a divorce?
How should you tell that person?
How should you prepare?
What should you say? Where should you say it?
Should you have someone with me?
Is it okay to stay at home after delivering the news?
What to be aware of going forward.
Should the kids be told in advance? Or when do I tell them?
Should the kid’s school be notified?

Links & Other Notes

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:13) - Telling an HCP You Want a Divorce
(03:57) - Start With Preparing
(08:27) - So Many Things to Think About
(11:01) - What You'll Say and Where
(17:24) - Should I Have Someone With Me?
(18:58) - Should I Go Home Afterward?
(20:17) - Going Forward
(22:52) - When to Tell the Children
(26:06) - Telling the School
(27:39) - Wrapping Up
(29:22) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Family Law in Israel with Guest Michal Fein

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Getting it Backwards in Family Court—Winners & Losers Jan 26, 2023

Sometimes professionals in the legal system get it backwards. It’s frustrating and leaves people feeling helpless. Why can’t the judge see what the other party is doing? Why is my ex’s lawyer painting him/her out to be a hero, convincing everyone in the courtroom that I’m the bad parent?

Do professionals get it backwards and believe the wrong person sometimes?

Bill and Megan discuss this important topic, including:

is this a high conflict issue
what is a persuasive blamer
can persuasive blamers influence the court’s decisions
do persuasive blamers honestly believe the false statements they make or that they are victims
cognitive distortions that lead to persuasive blaming
do they have personality disorders
why professionals believe persuasive blamers—can professionals get emotionally hooked
examples: domestic violence, alienation, emotionally too intense
how to overcome this in court—what can parents do
what can professionals do

Links & Other Notes

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:27) - Family Court – Getting It Backwards
(06:25) - Why do HCPs do this?
(09:48) - Why are they believed?
(13:26) - Examples
(17:48) - How to Overcome
(19:08) - Three Theories
(22:51) - Tips to Help
(26:35) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Telling a High Conflict Spouse You Want a Divorce

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

The New Elephant in the Room: Personality Disorders Jan 12, 2023

Personality disorders are mystifying to those unfamiliar with them, and even to some in the mental health profession, although with copious amounts of information online about them these days, everyone acts like an expert and the terminology is bandied about with authority.

It’s sticky and fascinating information. Unexplainable behaviors can quickly be explained away as narcissistic personality disorder or other personality disorder types. Once that thought happens, it’s easy to develop confirmation bias, which we talked about in the last episode. But it can be dangerous information, information that must be treated with respect and caution.

In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss:

Are personality disorders a type of mental illness? What is different about them? How common are they?
How do they appear in everyday life? Would I know if someone had one? Examples?
What questions should be asked in relation to personality disorder and criminal behavior, including the current tragic case of the Idaho murders?
Are all people with personality disorders high conflict people?
If I think someone has a personality disorder should I tell them?
If I want to explain to a friend or family member what a personality disorder is, what should I say?

Links & Other Notes

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:30) - How to Understand Personality Disorders
(02:56) - Are Personality Disorders a Type of Mental Illness?
(06:25) - Higher Percentage?
(08:31) - A Different Way to Find the Solution
(11:55) - Careful Labelling
(12:42) - How Would I Know?
(14:56) - Idaho Murder Case Example
(19:20) - Personality Disorder Does Not Equal HCP
(21:36) - Blame and Charm
(23:30) - Always There
(24:18) - Lack of Self-Awareness
(25:49) - Explaining Personality Disorders
(29:51) - Last Thoughts
(30:38) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Getting It Backwards in Family Court

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Confirmation Bias in High Conflict Situations: How to Avoid Being Fooled by High Conflict People Jan 05, 2023

Have you ever been fooled by someone? Or become passionate about a cause, belief, or opinion that later was proven to be false – and you discovered that the information was there all the time but you hadn’t considered anything outside one point of view? That may have been because of confirmation bias.

In today’s episode, Bill and Megan discuss:

what confirmation bias is and how it can fool us
confirmation bias in today’s society, such as social media, politics, and others
how it is used in high conflict court cases
how to avoid getting fooled by confirmation bias with allegations of abuse
how to avoid getting fooled by a high conflict person

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
- High Conflict People in Legal Disputes

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Timestamp: 158760000
(00:55) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:31) - Confirmation Bias
(02:59) - What Is Confirmation Bias?
(05:13) - Vs. Brainwashing
(06:47) - Social Media
(07:46) - Meta-Analysis
(09:36) - Social Worker History
(13:39) - Size of the Problem
(18:53) - #MeToo Movement
(20:13) - When in Cases
(24:35) - Resist and Refuse Cases
(28:09) - Avoiding Confirmation Bias
(30:30) - Avoiding Getting Fooled by HCPs
(32:37) - Wrap Up
(33:01) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Explaining Personality Disorders

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Times of High Risk: The Most Dangerous Times with HCPs Dec 29, 2022

People with high conflict personalities have strong unconscious fears that are easily triggered: abandonment; humiliation, being dominated; ignored; and other major losses. When triggered, this is a greater concern with high conflict people than with the average person.

In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss:

the types of losses that can trigger high risk:
- divorce
- new relationship partner
- job termination
- eviction
- neighbor dispute
- other losses
whether these are predictable
how to be aware
how to protect yourself and handle:
- divorce situations when delivering bad news or other big changes
- workplace situations, especially when disciplining or terminating someone’s employment
- neighborhood/homeowner’s or condo association meetings

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:30) - Times of High Risk
(02:20) - Why a Greater Concern with HCPs?
(06:13) - Unconscious Reactions
(09:05) - HOA Example
(15:01) - Settings
(17:25) - Divorce Examples
(24:42) - Times of High Risk
(27:22) - In the Workplace
(29:27) - Success Story
(31:37) - Last Thoughts
(32:50) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Confirmation Bias

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Dilemmas & Decisions: Why It’s So Hard to Stop Yourself from Over-reacting in High-Conflict Situations Dec 22, 2022

Stopping yourself in a high-conflict situation doesn’t come naturally for most. We get frustrated when things escalate quickly and wonder why we took the bait once again. Of course, the brain is involved so it comes down to unconscious reactions, but can they be overcome? Can we get emotionally unhooked?

In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss:

the dilemmas that come from people with high conflict personalities, instead of solutions
why we get hooked by their dilemmas — the brain interactions
how to override our defaults when they happen on the spot
why we need to stop and use a Dilemmas & Decisions list before diving in with our natural defaults when we have time to think
Doing Instead of Stewing

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything (see Chapter 9: Analyze Your Realistic Options)
COURSE
- Are You Talking to the Wrong Brain?
- Who Are High Conflict People?
ARTICLES
- HCPs and Violence
- HCPs, Loss and Violence

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:31) - Why Do We Keep Reacting?
(02:14) - Overriding Defaults
(06:47) - Building the Neuron Connections
(10:17) - Dilemma and Decision List
(21:18) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Confirmation Bias

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

How Brainwashing Works on a Child’s Brain Dec 15, 2022

Did you know if brainwashing of a child is real in divorce and/or co-parenting? In parental alienation (child alienation), families are divided but is brainwashing behind it? A part of it? Or not at all?

In today’s episode, Megan interviews Bill about his latest findings on this topic, which is one of the most challenging and painful life experiences that families go through. They will discuss:

quick explanation of what parental alienation is
why use the strong term of brainwashing
the role of neurons in a child’s brain
why parental alienation seems to take hold primarily between the ages of 9 and 14, or does it?
why alienated children have such strange or frivolous reasons why they resist or refuse contact with one of their parents
why the child’s rejection or hatred of one parent is so pure and extreme, and not at all ambivalent
an example of a 15-year-old girl who wrote a letter to her divorced father intending to end all contact with him
- what happened in that case
- what can be learned from it
- what should have happened

Links & Other Notes

WEBINAR: How Brainwashing Works on a Child’s Brain
BOOK: Don’t Alienate the Kids
BOOK: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
ARTICLE: Does Ridicule Stop Alienation?
ARTICLE: Child Alienation: “1000 Little Bricks”
ARTICLE: Handling Alienation in New Ways for Families®

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:26) - Today's Topic
(02:30) - Parental Alienation
(07:25) - Neurons
(09:55) - Ages 9-14
(18:05) - Why They Refuse Contact
(22:53) - Pure Hatred
(27:19) - Example
(34:09) - Wrap Up
(35:20) - Reminders

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Yes, And—Improvisation & Creativity in Conflict Communication with Guest Kelly Leonard of The Second City Dec 03, 2022

The Second City – where countless actors and comedians got their start. They’ve been bringing the funny for over 60 years. Now the first name in improve and comedy, they’ve expanded well beyond the stage and into business, wellness, education and so much more.

Kelly Leonard, Executive Director of Learning and Applied Improvisation at The Second City, joins Bill and Megan in this episode to talk about improvisation, creativity, and whether and how it can be used in conflict communication – especially in high conflict interactions. For over twenty years, he oversaw Second City’s live theatrical divisions working with such talent as Tina Fey, Stephen Colbert, Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers, Steve Carrell, and others.

In this episode, we’ll talk about:

Kelly’s book, Yes, And
improvisation and creativity beyond the stage
allowing anything to be on the table
differences between creativity and innovation
allowing yourself to be a human being
the effect of the body on the brain and anxiety (he’ll talk about what can be seen on an MRI when a smile is involved)
so much more

Links & Other Notes:

KELLY’S BOOK
- Yes, And: How Improvisation Reverses "No, But" Thinking and Improves Creativity and Collaboration--Lessons from The Second City
KELLY’S PODCAST
- "Getting to Yes, And"
KELLY’S TEDxBroadwayTalk
- Embrace Your Failures
KELLY’S COURSES
- The Second City

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:13) - Meet Kelly Leonard
(09:03) - Yes! And...
(12:11) - Using It in Conflict Situations
(15:28) - Times to Not 'Yes And'
(18:14) - Thank You, Because...
(19:46) - Avoiding Escalation
(20:41) - Humor, Surprise, Delight
(21:22) - Why Improv?
(26:44) - The Science
(36:39) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Jackhammer Parents

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Erasing Family with Guest Director Ginger Gentile Nov 24, 2022

Erasing Family. In this age of cancellation, it’s not so rare. In the divorce and child custody (family court) world, cancellation has been a “thing” for a long time. Cancellation of the child’s other parent and even extended family is common.

In this episode, Bill and Megan are joined by Ginger Gentile, director of the Erasing Family documentary. Erasing Family follows young adults fighting to reunite with their broken families. Part emotional roller coaster, part investigative exposé, the film “follows the money” to expose why loving moms and dads are erased from their kid’s lives by divorce.

Bill and Megan will talk with Ginger about the documentary and discuss:

why kids are often unaware they are alienated from a parent
what should a parent say and do when their child says they never want to see them again
what to do when a child refuses all contact with a parent, if anything
top mistakes a parent makes when reuniting with a parent
how long it can take to reunite - whether it’s a process or can it be resolved in a day
the patterns that all families who reunite follow
biggest changes in alienation in the last decade
self-care in alienation
listener questions focused on:
- getting through to the other parent just how damaging their behavior is on the kids; and protecting them from other parents behavior without also engaging in alienation
- how to handle other family members who have been pulled into the conflict

Links & Other Notes

GINGER GENTILE’S WEBSITE & DOCUMENTARY
- ErasingFamily.Org
BOOKS
- Don’t Alienate the Kids
- BIFF for Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails and Social Media Posts
PROGRAMS/COURSES
- New Ways for Families for Parents & Children

Our website at High Conflict Institute: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:54) - Ginger Gentile
(04:32) - Questions
(07:23) - Erasing Family
(14:01) - Feedback
(17:13) - Alienated Children
(18:37) - Parental Responses
(20:16) - When Kids Refuse
(22:23) - New Ways for Families
(25:01) - Reunion Mistakes
(31:51) - Dealing With the Other Parent
(37:00) - Changes Over Time
(42:20) - Communicating If There's No Contact
(43:35) - Parental Self-Care
(44:44) - Counteracting Alienation
(46:53) - Counteracting Patterns
(49:55) - Being Ready
(52:58) - Target of Blame
(56:01) - Reminders

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Transforming Inmates into Peacemakers, with Guest Doug Noll: Part 2 Nov 17, 2022

“Listening People Into Existence.” In this second episode with Doug Noll of the Prison of Peace program, Bill and Megan continue their conversation about this program that leads incarcerated individuals through intensive workshops to become Peacemakers, and eventually Certified Trainers who go out into their communities after their release, using their new peacemaking skills.

In this episode, Doug continues telling us about:

success stories
the skill of affect labeling and the research behind it
recidivism rates for those who have been through the program
where it’s been and is being implemented, and preparing for massive growth

Listen in as Doug, Megan and Bill dig deep into why this program works.

Links & Other Notes

DOUG NOLL’S WEBSITE & BOOKS
- https://dougnoll.com/podcast/high-conflict-institute/
- https://www.prisonofpeace.org/

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:34) - Learning to Change
(07:27) - You Have to Show Up
(14:30) - Motivation
(17:13) - Gratification
(18:20) - The Draw
(23:53) - Greatest Satisfaction
(24:52) - Wrapping Up
(25:36) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Ginger Gentile

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Transforming Inmates into Peacemakers, with Guest Doug Noll: Part 1 Nov 10, 2022

“From Serving Life to a Life of Service.” This is the motto of the Prison of Peace program created by Doug Noll and Laurel Kaufer, two lawyers with big hearts from California. Through Prison of Peace, incarcerated individuals are led through intensive workshops as they progress through the various program levels from Peacemaker to Certified Trainer, mastering the art of communication and conflict resolution, enabling them to create safer, more peaceful lives for themselves and others, in prison and beyond.

In today’s episode, the first of a two-parter, Bill and Megan are joined by Doug Noll who will talk about the transformative Prison of Peace program. They discuss:

what the program is and how it works
how it started
what led inmates to being incarcerated (think trauma background)
program success
whether it can work for everyone

Listen in as Doug talks about “Listening people into existence” in this first episode of two.

Links & Other Notes

DOUG NOLL’S WEBSITE & BOOKS
- https://dougnoll.com/podcast/high-conflict-institute/
- https://www.prisonofpeace.org/

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:52) - Doug Noll and Personal Transformation in Inmate Populations
(03:17) - Doug's Background
(04:49) - Questions
(08:42) - Prison of Peace
(16:18) - Affect Labeling
(19:30) - Back to Prison of Peace
(30:42) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Part 2 with Doug Noll

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Solutions for High Conflict at Work with Guest Cherolyn Knapp Nov 03, 2022

In workplace conflict, handling complaints, upset employees and high conflict situations is taxing, leaving many organizations feeling stuck or without options other than termination or throwing hands up in the air and living with it. But there is a method to help employees learn necessary skills — a method called New Ways for Work: Personal Skills for Productive Relationships.

In this episode, Bill and Megan are joined by Cherolyn Knapp, lawyer, mediator, workplace investigator and HCI’s newest speaker/trainer. Together they will discuss:

high conflict situations in the workplace
whether conflict increased during covid and if so, why
observations about how HR, coaches, management and others handle high conflict situations — and whether what they’re doing is working
New Ways for Work as a skills-building tool for helping calm high conflict situations by teaching skills
how New Ways for Work can help anyone who coaches challenging workplace conflict, including high conflict situations
Cherolyn’s top 3 tips for HR, coaches, anyone working with high conflict situations

Links & Other Notes

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:37) - Meet Cherolyn Knapp
(04:37) - Questions
(21:56) - New Ways for Work
(30:21) - Tips
(32:34) - Reminders & Coming Next Week:
(34:38) - Wrap Up

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

What is the Difference Between Alienation & Estrangement? Oct 27, 2022

In high conflict divorce, accusations of parental alienation are common and cause tremendous distress for everyone involved, including the courts. But is it truly alienation? Or is it estrangement? What’s the difference? It’s important to understand the difference.

In this episode, Megan quizzes Bill on the similarities and differences and Bill talks about the theories he’s developed and written about in several books, most specifically in Don’t Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce.

Links & Other Notes

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:11) - Estrangement vs. Alienation
(16:10) - Intact Families and Setting Limits
(19:06) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: High Conflict in Our Schools

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

What are the 4 Fuhgedaboudits When Interacting with Someone with a High Conflict Personality? Oct 20, 2022

Interactions with someone with a high conflict personality often become contentious and you may eventually get upset, storm off, or simply feel inadequate. We’re often left wondering why our best skills don’t work in these interactions.

A primary reason for this is because we often respond in a way that doesn’t work — our own defaults that work well with most people.

There are 4 Fuhgedaboudits in high conflict interactions that will revolutionize them. They are necessary but we often forget about the 4 Fuhgedaboudits.

In this episode, Megan and Bill will explain what they are and why they’re so important.

Links & Other Notes

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:06) - The Four Fuhgedaboudits
(04:51) - Choices Not Insight
(07:06) - Don't Emphasize the Past
(07:59) - No Emotional Confrontations
(13:47) - Focus on Managing Your Relationship
(14:44) - Opening Up Emotions
(17:21) - Training Your Amygdala
(19:55) - In the Moment
(20:56) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Alienation vs. Estrangement

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

What is the High Conflict Personality Theory? Oct 13, 2022

People with high conflict personalities have a pattern of high-conflict behavior that increases conflict rather than reducing or resolving it. This pattern usually happen over and over again in many different situations with many different people.

The issue that seems in conflict at the time is not what is increasing the conflict. The “issue” is the high-conflict personality and how the person approaches problem-solving. The pattern of behavior includes a lot of:

blaming others
all-or-nothing thinking
unmanaged emotions
extreme behaviors

Bill Eddy developed the high conflict personality theory and has been helping others understand the patterns of behavior and respond constructively.

In this episode, Megan talks with Bill about how he arrived at the theory and how he developed it.

Links & Other Notes

ARTICLES
- Who Are High Conflict People?
- HCP Is Not a Diagnosis

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:58) - The High Conflict Personality Theory
(08:11) - Labeling
(12:34) - Diagnosed with Personality Disorder?
(14:12) - Personality Disorder Does Not Equal HCP
(15:49) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: The 4 Fuhgedaboudits

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

When to Stop Trying with Someone with a High Conflict Personality Oct 06, 2022

Interactions and life with someone with a high conflict personality can be trying. Some will keep trying until they’re completely burned out while others give up quickly.

How can you know when to stop trying? Is it when you find yourself in depression? Banging your head on the wall out of frustration? Over-reacting outside your norm? When you feel like giving up, giving in, or lashing out?

In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss the options that each individual can explore when encountering these types of interactions and relationships.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
- It’s All Your Fault
COURSES
- Who Are High Conflict People?
- The Brain 101
ARTICLES
- Can High Conflict People Change?

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:58) - When to Stop Trying with HCPs
(11:29) - When You're Working Harder Than Your Client
(15:10) - When Else to Stop Trying
(20:09) - Last Tip
(22:33) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Bill's High Conflict Personality Theory

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Parental Alienation in Divorce with Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, Part 2 Sep 22, 2022

High conflict divorce and separation in the family courts consumes the majority of the courts’ time and resources and provides the most frustration and confusion.

This is the second of a two-part episode with Dr. Amy J.L. Baker in our new High Conflict Divorce series, in which we interview leading experts from the high conflict divorce world – attorneys, counselors, custody evaluators, researchers, mediators and those within the courts themselves.

In this episode Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, parental alienation expert and author of 9 books, including Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex; The High-Conflict Custody Battle; and Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome will talk with Bill and Megan about:

Whether favored parents ever recognize that they’re doing it
Parental alienation vs. parental estrangement
Recommendations for lawyers when a child resists or refuses contact
Tips for what can be done in mild, moderate, severe cases
Tips for lawyers and therapists
Tips for parents and grandparents
Programs that can help reconnect a child with a rejected parent

Links & Other Notes

WEBSITES

Dr. Baker’s Website
https://www.amyjlbaker.com/

New Ways for Families
https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/new-ways-for-families

Turning Points for Families
https://www.turningpointsforfamilies.com/

BOOKS

Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1608829588

Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0393705196

The High-Conflict Custody Battle
https://www.amazon.com/The-High-Conflict-Custody-Battle-Accusations/dp/1626250731

OTHER

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

Books: all of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold.

You can also find these show notes at our site.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:21) - Adult Children and Alienation
(05:12) - Advice
(10:26) - Recognizing You're Alienating
(14:14) - Personality Disorders and Labels
(17:33) - Evolving the Term
(22:43) - Added to the DSM?
(25:18) - Treatment
(29:28) - Therapists
(35:27) - Lawyers
(37:20) - Parents
(39:48) - Cutting Off Contact
(42:05) - Wrapping Up
(43:14) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Part 2 of our High Conflict Divorce series

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Parental Alienation in Divorce with Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, Part 1 Sep 15, 2022

High conflict divorce and separation in the family courts consumes the majority of the court’s time and resources and provides the most frustration and confusion.

This is the first episode in our new High Conflict Divorce series in which we will interview leading experts from the high conflict divorce world — attorneys, counselors, custody evaluators, researchers, mediators, and those within the courts themselves.

In this episode – the first of two – we talk with renowned parental alienation expert Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, the author of nine books including Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex, The High-Conflict Custody Battle, and Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Alienation is one of the most challenging, confusing, and terrifying events in one’s life. Bill and Megan talk with Dr. Baker about:

Alienation defined
Terminology: parental alienation or some other term
Prevalence in divorce/separation
Whether it is increasing or not
Causes of alienation
Research on adult children of parental alienation
Whether adult children of parental alienation mostly connect or not with parents someday
Recommendation to parents whose children have cut them off?

Links & Other Notes

WEBSITES

BOOKS

OTHER

Our website
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold.
You can also find these show notes on our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:23) - Part I of High Conflict Divorce Series
(04:43) - Dr. Amy J.L. Baker
(10:18) - What Is Alienation?
(13:44) - Alienation vs. Estrangement
(16:36) - The Five Factor Model
(24:23) - How Prevalent Is Alienation?
(27:36) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Part 2 of our High Conflict Divorce series

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

REBROADCAST: Domestic Violence in Family Law: Part 1 Sep 08, 2022

REBROADCAST

Domestic Violence

Megan and Bill are joined by the Honorable Karen Adam and Annette Burns to discuss domestic violence. This is part one of this conversation.

Links & Other Notes

THE VIDEO THAT WAS DISCUSSED IN THE EPISODE

Conversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 Experts
BIOS
Bios for Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., Honorable Karen Adam, and Annette Burns, J.D.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE EXPERTS INTERVIEWED IN THE VIDEO
Abi Ajibolade, Executive Director, The Redwood, Toronto, Ontario
Amy G. Applegate, JD, Clinical Professor of Law, Maurer School of Law, Indiana University, Bloomington, Indiana
Linda Bortell, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist, Bortell Psychological, Inc., Los Angeles, California
Melissa Brickhouse-Thomas, LCSW, Manager, Victim Services, Glendale Police Dept., Glendale, Arizona
Gabrielle Davis, JD, Legal and Policy Advisor, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Loretta M. Frederick, JD, Senior Legal & Policy Director, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Anna Harper-Guerrero, LMSW, Executive Vice President & Chief Strategy Officer, Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse, Tucson, Arizona
Amy Holtzworth-Munroe, PhD, Professor of Psychology, Dept. of Psychological & Brain Science, Indiana University, Bloomington, Indiana
Hilary A. Linton, JD, LLM, Mediator, President, Family Mediation Services (mediate393) Toronto, Ontario
Jan Maiden, JD, Family Law/Domestic Violence Attorney, Law Office of Jan Maiden, San Diego, California
Wendy Million, City Magistrate, Tucson City Court Domestic Violence Court, Tucson, Arizona
Charles A. Sawchenko, MSW, Police Lieutenant (Ret), Delaware State Police, Dover, Delaware
William Spiller, Jr., JD, Family Lawyer and Minor’s Counsel, Law Offices of William Spiller, Jr., Los Angeles, California
Nancy Ver Steegh, MSW, JD, Professor of Law, Mitchell Hamline School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota
Neil Websdale, PhD, Director, Family Violence Center, Arizona State University, Tempe, Arizona
David Wexler, PhD, Director, Relationship Training Institute, San Diego, California
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.
Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:36) - Dealing With Domestic Violence
(04:23) - Meet Our Guests
(06:19) - Impetus Behind DV Video Series
(07:14) - Overall Objective
(08:27) - Surprises
(09:49) - Karen's Motivation
(13:42) - Survivor vs. Victim
(16:52) - Annette's Motivation
(19:24) - Biggest Issues in Divorce & Co-Parenting
(29:36) - Intimate Partner Violence vs. DV
(31:46) - Coercive Control
(34:15) - HCPs
(41:14) - Last Words
(42:53) - Coming Next Week: Part 2

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

REBROADCAST: Using BIFF Responses Sep 01, 2022

REBROADCAST

In today’s episode, we talk about how to tackle hostile communications with BIFF Responses.

What is a hostile communication? It usually contains blame and personal attacks. You read it. Your heart rate doubles. You either want to blast back or instantly delete. Mostly, you never want to hear from that person again. It was far less common pre-electronic communication. Now it’s a matter of daily life, especially on social media or even more so when the communication is coming from someone with a high conflict personality.
The challenge with dealing with HCPs, or people with High Conflict Personalities, is that they wage war wherever they can, including on your screen. The problem is that most people respond right away. Why? Because they think they need to defend themselves. We talk about why people do that; why the HCP sends it in the first place; whether or not you need to respond; and if you do, how to do it differently using a BIFF Response.

Do you need to respond?

Much of hostile e-communication does not need a response. Letters from (ex-) spouses, angry neighbors, irritating co-workers, or attorneys do not usually have legal significance. The letter itself has no power, unless you give it power. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the writer’s anxiety. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece of hostile mail back. In most cases, you are better off not responding.

If you do have to respond, use a BIFF Response.

Some letters and emails develop power when copies are filed in a court or complaint process – or simply get sent to other people. In these cases, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of fact. The best way to handle hostile communications from an HCP is with a BIFF Response. BIFF reminds you to be Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm, assuming you need to respond.
We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the Submit a Question button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.
Please rate, review and share this show!

Links & Other Notes

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
Article on using BIFF Response®
Online course for lawyers on BIFF Response®
Online course for anyone on using BIFF Response®
Info on BIFF Certification
BIFF Books
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:37) - High Conflict in the Written Word
(05:40) - Using BIFF
(08:25) - What's Happening in the Brain?
(12:08) - When to Respond
(14:03) - An Example
(17:09) - Not Taking It Personally
(18:18) - Three As
(24:48) - BIFFing That Example
(30:55) - BIFF in High Conflict Divorce
(35:14) - Being Disciplined to Use BIFF
(36:20) - BIFF Certification
(37:24) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Using BIFF at Work

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

REBROADCAST: High Conflict Emotion Contagion Aug 25, 2022

REBROADCAST

The challenge of being emotional creatures

Did you know that emotions are contagious? We like to think we are in complete control of our emotions, but lots of research shows that emotions are contagious and it’s how we handle our own emotions once we’re emotionally hooked.
In this episode we’ll break down emotion contagion. If you’re a brain nerd like us, or you simply want to have a better understanding of human behavior and the impact of unmanaged emotions on others, you’ll enjoy this episode. Specifically, we’ll discuss:

Can you get emotionally “hooked?” and “unhooked?”
How exactly are emotions contagious? How does that work in our brains?
Can emotions lead us to make bad decisions?
How do High Conflict People deal with emotions?
How do High Conflict People communicate differently using their emotions?
Are emotions part of why we have such angry polarization today in families and in politics?
What can we do to calm down emotions

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
BIFF for everyone
BIFF for Coparent Communication
BIFF for Workplace
Calming Upset People with EAR
ON DEMAND COURSE
The Brain 101: For Lawyers & Anyone
Who Are High Conflict People?
ARTICLES
Managing Emotions
Keep the Conflict Small! (With Managed Emotions)
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:37) - Emotionally Hooked & Unhooked
(06:17) - Getting Hooked
(08:11) - Emotional Persuasion
(14:08) - In the Brain
(22:28) - Emotions Leading to Bad Decisions
(25:44) - HCPs Dealing With Emotions
(28:52) - Communicating with Emotions
(30:18) - Polarization
(35:36) - Calming Emotions
(37:42) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: HCPs in Love

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

REBROADCAST: Part 2: Borderline Personality Disorder for Family Members Aug 18, 2022

REBROADCAST

Family members (and friends) of someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD) are typically mystified about how to interact with them, walk on eggshells around them, and generally feel overwhelmed and defeated because they don’t know what to do.
In this episode, Bill and Megan continue their discussion with BPD expert Amanda Smith, LCSW, founder of HopeforBPD.com. Amanda is a highly skilled BPD and Dialectical Behavior Therapy expert, having helped countless clients through their recovery. She’s helped family members learn the necessary skills for helping their loved one best while also taking care of themselves. Amanda also provides treatment consultation. She is the author of two books:

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner
The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for Families
In this episode – part 2 of 2 – Amanda gives hope and help to family members and friends of those with BPD. She discusses what to do and what to avoid. She will explain whether BPD is a hopeless situation with no resolution or whether something can be done to intervene – including whether an “intervention” can work.

Links & Other Notes

HopeforBPD
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner
The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:35) - The Family of Someone With BPD
(03:39) - Avoiding Blame
(06:30) - Helping When They Don't See the Problem
(08:24) - When in a Marriage
(10:18) - Couples Counseling
(12:21) - Intervention?
(14:45) - Calling It Out
(16:13) - How to Approach It
(17:58) - In High Conflict Divorces
(21:37) - E A R Statements
(23:14) - Medication
(24:55) - Amanda's Book
(27:45) - Wrapping Up
(29:59) - Reminders

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

REBROADCAST: Narcissistic High Conflict People Aug 11, 2022

REBROADCAST

When an HCP is a Narcissist...

Do you know someone whose moods swing wildly? Do they act unreasonably suspicious or antagonistic? Do they blame others for their own problems? When a high conflict person (HCP) has one of five common personality disorders – borderline, narcissistic, paranoid, antisocial, or histrionic – they can lash out in risky extremes of emotion and aggression. And once an HCP decides to target you, they’re hard to shake.
Most everyone has been around a narcissist, but not everyone understands how to handle a narcissistic HCP. Bill and Megan do a deep dive into this personality type, exploring:

Their fear-based need to be superior and makes others feel inferior
The differences between vulnerable, narcissistic and malignant types
Why they see themselves as a hero and protector while those around them experience them as bullies
How to spot them
Statistics on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissistic HCPs in the U.S

Understanding and dealing with Narcissistic HCPs come in layers, and understanding the why they behave that way is the first step.

If you’ve been the Target of Blame for a narcissistic HCP, you know the devastating impact it can have. It’s easy to get emotionally hooked by their aggressive behaviors and respond with aggression or avoidance, which emboldens them. Instead, learning the necessary skills –that don’t always feel natural – is the ticket to managing interactions with them. The first step is to understand their behavior patterns, starting now.

Send us your stories!

We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the ‘Submit a Question’ button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.
Please rate, review and share this show!

Links & Other Notes

Books:
BIFF at Work
5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities
It’s All Your Fault: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict People
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books and some in audio format.
Training:
For attorneys: Dealing with Narcissistic Personalities: The Arrogant Players of Divorce
The Narcissistic Family Member: Prickly and Superior
Articles:
Do Narcissists Make Good Leaders in Business?
Narcissism and Incivility: Is There a Connection?
Narcissist in Your Family? 4 Tips for Dealing with Them
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
You can also find these show notes on our website as well.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:40) - Last Time...
(03:05) - HCP Refresher
(06:01) - The Narcissistic HCP
(08:33) - Statistics
(09:49) - Dealing With an Narcissistic HCP
(10:52) - Sexual Abuse
(11:16) - Genetic Component?
(13:42) - Empathy Factor
(15:53) - How They See Themselves
(18:40) - Types of Narcissists
(24:51) - Lack of Self-Awareness
(27:02) - Treatment
(29:55) - Dealing With a Narcissistic HCP in Your Life
(33:22) - Getting Support
(34:35) - Gender Breakdown
(36:13) - Don't Tell Them They're an HCP
(36:59) - Narcissists vs. Narcissistic HCPs
(37:45) - Are HCPs bad people?
(39:55) - Raising Healthy Kids
(43:01) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Antisocial HCPs

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

REBROADCAST: Who Are High Conflict People? Aug 04, 2022

REBROADCAST

In today’s episode, we look at what makes up a high conflict person and talk about EAR Statements.

Blamers. Narcissists. Accusers. Ragers. These are all people who may fall into the category of High Conflict Personality. Most of us don’t act this way, but these people don’t often realize they’re acting this way and can’t control themselves. So should you engage? Or should you learn how to deal with them? If you guessed the latter, you’d be right.
Many people say these people are unpredictable, but Megan and Bill talk about how these people actually are very predictable... if you know what to look for. Several things can lead to people becoming HCPs. It could be genetic or could come from how they were raised. And because of this, HCPs can exist anywhere in the world. So how do you deal with them?
Well, the first step is learning to identify them. They will usually blame anyone but themselves, and they’ll never be able to connect the dots back to themselves. They rarely take responsibility for their own actions. But the feelings are so strongly in them that they can’t have their mind changed. Once you realize you’re dealing with an HCP, definitely don’t tell them they’re an HCP. It’s likely going to trigger them further.

If you’re in a situation with an HCP, try an EAR Statement.

Empathy. Attention Respect. These tools may seem opposite to how you’d normally deal with a person who is confronting you, but remember, you’re not an HCP. The HCP needs this so you can get out of the situation you’re in. It’s hard, but give it a try.
We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the Submit a Question button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.
Please rate, review and share this show!

Links & Other Notes

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
Article – ‘What is a High Conflict Individual’
Article – ‘Calming Upset People Fast with an EAR Statement™’
Online course for attorneys/judges – Understanding & Managing High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
Online course for anyone – Calming Upset People with an EAR Statement
Online Course: Who Are High Conflict People?
Book: 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
Book: Calming Upset People with EAR
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:37) - What is a High Conflict Person?
(06:24) - Why and How are HCPs Different?
(09:44) - Why Are They Like This and Why Don't They Change?
(13:39) - Why They Blame
(16:19) - How to Deal With HCPs
(21:12) - Getting Hooked
(25:04) - Breaking Down Megan's Story
(28:40) - Using EAR Statements
(33:09) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: BIFF Response

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Are Personality Disorders a Mental Illness? Jul 28, 2022

Personality disorders are widespread but not always seen as a mental disorder. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association indicates that over 10% of adults have such a disorder, based on studies from several countries.

These are huge numbers, yet few people know much about personality disorders and many do not see them as a mental disorder. Information found online is often misleading. Ultimately, many people simply get angry with those with personality disorders, believing that they are just being difficult on purpose and can control their behavior. Likewise, judges generally do not consider them a factor in making legal decisions, because they are considered to know right from wrong. However, these views may be changing.

In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss:

what is considered a mental illness or disorder
how personality disorders are different from other types of mental illnesses
whether personality disorders are a form of mental illness at all, or something more normal
the link between personality disorders and important cases, including the Elizabeth Smart case and Unabomber case
personality disorders receiving increased awareness in the courts, including an Australian case regarding borderline personality disorder and a California study indicating the presence of narcissistic personality disorder in family court cases

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

ARTICLES

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:05) - Personality Disorders and Mental Illness
(03:39) - What Is a Mental Illness or Disorder?
(07:00) - Personality Disorders
(09:59) - How Legal Views It
(11:57) - The Elizabeth Smart Case
(14:36) - The Unabomber Case
(18:29) - Medication vs. Skills
(20:40) - The Brown Case
(25:22) - Narcissistic Personalities in Courts
(28:30) - Reminders & End of Season One Note

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Narcissists: The Great Dividers Jul 21, 2022

If you aren’t sure whether you’ve met a narcissist, think back to an interaction in which you went away feeling small, inadequate or even insecure. It’s possible that you may have been around someone with a narcissistic personality. They are often puffed up about themselves and get triggered when they aren’t getting the attention they think they deserve... or are entitled to. Then they go into action, making those around them feel small.

But did you know they are also the Great Dividers? Although it may sound straightforward, it’s often confusing to those around them because they can be the life of the party, bringing people together, which is quite opposite from being a divider.
In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss:

why narcissistic HCPs divide people
how it manifests in 4 settings: family, politics, healthcare, and the workplace
why we don’t see it coming and why we fall for their charm in the beginning
ways to address and prevent succumbing to division
how to handle email communications with narcissistic HCPs

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

ARTICLES

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:09) - Narcissists: The Great Dividers
(03:52) - Defining a Narcissist
(08:09) - Splitting
(13:31) - How to Address This
(16:53) - Copying Someone Else In to Make You Look Bad
(21:52) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Are Personality Disorders a Mental Illness?

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

What If I’m High Conflict? Jul 14, 2022

Have you wondered if you are high conflict? If you have, you’re not alone.
Many people contact us with a concern that they might be high conflict after learning the 4 key characteristics of the high conflict pattern:

unmanaged emotions
extreme behaviors
all-or-nothing thinking
blaming others

Bill and Megan will discuss:

whether you can tell if you have high conflict patterns
what you can do if you have these patterns
whether you should tell friends/family that you believe you have a high conflict personality
whether to ask friends/family to hold you accountable or not
whether you can change your way out of high conflict patterns

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

It’s All Your Fault!

ARTICLES

OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:09) - Self-Awareness
(03:30) - Characteristics
(07:49) - Changing Your Thoughts
(10:28) - What Can You Do?
(13:20) - Can You Do It On Your Own?
(15:29) - When Will You Know You've Succeeded?
(18:29) - Should You Tell Others?
(22:55) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Narcissists The Great Dividers

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Can People with High Conflict Personalities Change? Jul 07, 2022

As we know, change is hard for everyone, but if you’ve had a high conflict individual in your life, you know that change for them is seemingly impossible. Our minds tell us that they’re doing it on purpose or at least partially so; and that they can change if they’d just choose that route. But is that a reality? If we start with the premise that people with high conflict personalities don’t even know they have such a thing, why would change?

In this episode, Bill and Megan talk about:

whether people with high conflict personalities know they’re such
whether people with high conflict personalities can change
if change is possible:
- what is the likelihood of change
- what it takes to help them change, such as therapy, programs, those around them
how to approach someone with a high conflict personality HCP about their need for change and whether you should ever do that

NOTE: We are not diagnosing or labeling anyone and neither should anyone listening to this podcast. Instead, we focus on what to do to help.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

ARTICLES

Fire or Keep High Conflict Employees

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:04) - Does an HCP recognize they need to change?
(05:30) - Can an HCP change?
(07:31) - Borderline Personality Type
(08:52) - Narcissistic Personality Type
(10:33) - Histrionic Personality Type
(10:59) - Antisocial Personality Type
(12:05) - Helping Borderline HCPs Change
(13:12) - What It Takes to Help Them Change
(15:58) - Developing Empathy
(18:04) - Time and Repetition
(20:03) - Adapting to the Change in HCPs
(21:05) - Approaching an HCP About Changing
(26:38) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: What if I'm high conflict?

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Q and A Lab: Paranoid Personalities Jun 30, 2022

This Q &A Lab focuses on two questions about possible paranoid personality behaviors and high conflict behaviors, including:

Combative, Aggressive, Violent, Blaming 19-year-old Son
- The parent of 19-year-old with combative, aggressive, violent behaviors (including spitting on his parent) and demands that the parent admit abusing him as a young child. Bill and Megan will discuss:
  - What can this parent do when the son becomes infuriated when the parent won’t admit to the false allegation that he/she was an abusive parent?
  - How can the parent establish boundaries with the son related to money and other assistance when being bullied?
Conspiracy-minded, Blaming Teammate
- A member of a team has to deal with a blaming, accusing teammate who seemed to be paranoid and consistently dismissive and rude. Bill and Megan will answer whether this person could possible have a paranoid personality and/or a high conflict personality.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

COURSE

Who are High Conflict People?

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:24) - Q&A Lab
(02:14) - Question One
(15:31) - Question Two
(24:54) - BIFF Responses Seen as Defensiveness?
(27:39) - Paranoia vs. Paranoid Personality Disorder
(31:55) - Children With a Paranoid Parent
(33:40) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Can HCIs Change?

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

A Conversation with Amanda Ripley: a Best-Selling Journalist’s View of High Conflict Jun 23, 2022

In 2021, we noticed a new book that was gaining a lot of attention—titled High Conflict. Of course a book with that title grabbed our immediate attention and piqued our curiosity, as high conflict is what we think about all day every day. After reaching out to the author, Amanda Ripley, we were quickly intrigued by her research and perspective and have since spent time getting to know each other’s work.

We are enormously pleased that Amanda has agreed to come on our show and happy to introduce her to listeners who haven’t yet heard about her. She is a New York Times best-selling author and investigative journalist. She started her journalism career covering courts and crime for Washington City Paper. She then spent 10 years working for Time Magazine in New York, Washington and Paris. Currently, Amanda lives in Washington, D.C., with her family. To discuss her writing, Amanda has appeared on ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, FOX News and NPR. She has spoken at the Pentagon, the Senate, the House of Representatives, the State Department and the Department of Homeland Security, as well as conferences on leadership, conflict resolution and education.

In this episode, Bill will discuss “high conflict” with Amanda, including:

“macro” view of high conflict: mostly large groups and political conflicts (city council, gangs, rebels in Colombia), and “micro” view of interpersonal high conflict (divorce, workplace, legal disputes)
how to get out of high conflict situations and how to avoid them, and how to deal with high conflict if you can’t totally get out, such as co-parents, workplace bullies, and legal entanglements
what it takes to reduce high conflict behavior and the need to get people to talk more and judge each other less
teaching journalists to ask more questions for depth beneath the conflict and to use the phrase both Bill and Amanda both love to use: “Tell me more!”

Links & Other Notes

WEBSITE

Amanda’s website

BOOKS

Amanda’s book High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out

ARTICLES

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:25) - Meet Amanda Ripley
(07:35) - Defining High Conflict
(12:00) - The Reasons We Get Trapped
(13:09) - Conflict Entrepreneurs
(15:28) - Strategies for Getting Out of High Conflict
(22:22) - Spending Time with HCIs
(23:08) - Tell Me More
(25:37) - Complicating the Narrative
(29:13) - What She's Teaching to Journalists
(31:18) - Polarization
(35:14) - Wrapping Up
(36:05) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Q&A Lab

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

On Being a Megaphone: Should You Tell the Judge, Boss, HR, or Others That the other Person is High Conflict? Jun 16, 2022

To tell or not to tell. That is a question on the minds of many who deal with high conflict situations. In a court situation, is it is a good idea to tell the judge that the other person is high conflict or has a personality disorder, whether diagnosed or suspected? The same goes in the workplace. Should HR be told? And the same question applies in any setting, such as the education environment, in mediation or even in families.

It’s tempting to want to tell everyone what you suspect you’re dealing with, but will it help or hurt your case or situation? Will it backfire?

Megan and Bill answer this vital question in this week’s episode. It’s a big issue that can impact outcomes whether in a legal case, in your job or in your family.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

AUDIO

Educating the Court About High-Conflict Personalities

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:37) - To Tell or Not to Tell
(06:40) - What About Formal Diagnoses?
(09:03) - Concerning Patterns of Behavior
(14:58) - What About Therapists and Lawyers?
(19:06) - What About When Not Divorcing?
(21:03) - How to Deal With It When You're the One Who's Told
(28:15) - What If It's Your Family Member?
(35:12) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Amanda Ripley

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

High Conflict in Education: Chaos, Attrition, and Fear with Guest Sandra Just Jun 09, 2022

Throughout the pandemic, which we’ve now been in for a little over two years, the fight has been “on” in the education world. Education – especially public education – has always been at the crossroads of many social and cultural changes, from bussing students across town, to benchmark academic standards for school funding, to which books are approved for teaching classes.

Then with Covid, the conflict flame grew even brighter as parents, schools, unions, and more fought over – and continue to fight – over masks, vaccinations, virtual classes, school shutdowns, gender issues, parent rights, Zoom classes, and more. Conflict abounds.

Bill and Megan speak with Sandra Just, MEd, founder of Just Look Within Coaching and Consulting. Sandra is an educator with 30+ years’ experience in public education as a teacher, administrator, and HR director. She discusses the current state of education, given the many issues that everyone involved in the system are faced with, including:

How teachers cope and what keeps them going
Conflicts with parents over setting reasonable limits in class
School bullying and how, or whether, it can be dealt with effectively
Managing school board meetings
Conflict resolution training for teachers and administrators

Listen in as Bill and Megan talk with Sandra about school. As Sandra says, “We’re great at helping kids, but maybe we’re not so great at helping the adults in education.”

About Sandra Just

Sandra Just is the Founder and Principal of Just Look Within Coaching and Consulting. Sandra spent 31 years as an educator in the Denver Public Schools. During her time in DPS, she served as a teacher, counselor, performance management advisor, school leader, and interim regional assistant superintendent. She is known for developing her staff into leaders, supporting students to meet their goals, and creating a strong school culture. Sandra currently serves as a mentor for students in the para to teacher pipeline at the University of Northern Colorado Center for Urban Education. She also consults with School Works, as needed. Sandra earned her certificate as an Executive Coach in 2021 and is currently working toward Board Certification.

Sandra enjoys spending time with family and friends. She volunteers with the Rocky Mountain Down Syndrome Association.

Links & Other Notes

GUEST LINKS

BOOKS & AUDIO

CONFLICT INFLUENCER CERTIFICATION COURSE

ARTICLES

EAR Statement Can Calm Anyone

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:23) - Sandra Just
(04:15) - How Are Teachers Coping?
(07:37) - How Are Teachers Responding?
(08:33) - Physical Threats
(10:24) - Percent of Parents With Issues
(14:42) - Connecting to Calm
(18:41) - Emotions Are Contagious
(19:37) - Bullying
(23:55) - Parents' Role as It Relates to Bullying
(27:43) - Dealing With School Board Meetings
(32:23) - Conflict Resolution Training
(35:05) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Revealing Someone's High Conflict

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

New Ways for Families Jun 02, 2022

Parents divorcing in protracted battles. Crowded family court dockets. Kids who spend their childhood with nervous stomachs, anxiety, and a yearning for their parents to just get along. A typical high-conflict divorce and co-parenting situation.

Most parents are able to work things out amicably but around 15-20% comprise the cases on the family court dockets. They are seemingly unable to resolve disputes and bring disputes to the court that others can work out themselves.

What makes them different? And what works for them? Bill Eddy interviews Susie Rayner, GradDip FDRP, who is the New Ways Program Manager for the High Conflict Institute. Susie is visiting the U.S. for the Association of Family & Conciliation Courts conference from her homeland, Australia.

Bill and Susie dive into the program that Bill created back in 2009 to help high conflict divorcing or separated parents—New Ways for Families®. It’s different from other co-parenting and divorce education courses because it focuses on teaching skills to handle conflict instead of lecturing about the do’s and don’ts of co-parenting. Listen in as Bill and Susie discuss New Ways for Families and how it helps parents get along and save lots of time, frustration and money; and how it helps the courts reduce their caseloads as the parents learn to make decisions without court.

Links & Other Notes

THE NEW WAYS FOR FAMILIES PROGRAM

BOOKS

ARTICLES

GUEST BIO
SUSIE RAYNER, GradDip FDRP
Susie Rayner is the New Ways Program Manager for the High Conflict Institute. She manages each sub-brand of New Ways, including New Ways for Families, New Ways for Work, New Ways for Life, and New Ways for Mediation. Susie is a mediator, co-parenting coach, and was the founder of Mediate Negotiate, a family dispute resolution practice in Australia. Prior to becoming a dedicated family dispute resolution practitioner and family coach in 2018, she held positions in the corporate arena for 20 years. She also works in other areas of dispute resolution and volunteers with organizations that support people in crisis. She is the co-author of New Ways for Life™ Teacher Guide and Student Journal with Bill Eddy.

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:18) - Meet Susie Rayner
(03:36) - New Ways for Families
(10:27) - Putting It Into Practice
(13:35) - Other Areas for Use
(16:25) - Helping Parents Make Big Decisions
(18:24) - Not Law-Based
(20:31) - Success Story
(26:17) - The New Ways for Life Method
(31:53) - The Four Big Skills
(35:29) - Reminders & Coming Next Week:
(35:30) - Last Thoughts

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

A High Conflict Divorce with a (rare) Successful Outcome May 26, 2022

High conflict divorce is one the hardest trials one can go through. It’s so hard on parents and on their children. If you’ve ever wanted to know what it looks like from the inside, from someone who has been through it and come out the other side with good outcomes, listen to this episode featuring Bill and Megan’s guest, Shannon Jenkins from the podcast Starting Over with Shannon.

After hearing a bit of Shannon’s story, Bill and Megan will talk with her about:

these many downs and a limited number of ups in high conflict cases
strategies Shannon used in her own case that had positive results
what made the case seem high conflict to her
where she decided to go to get the best decisions in terms of parenting plans, finance, relocation efforts, and other major decisions (mediation, direct negotiations, court, out-of-court)
domestic violence and child abuse allegations, and other “distractions” and “manipulations” used in the case
some hopeful tips and encouragement for listeners who may be walking the path of high conflict separation, divorce and parenting/co-parenting

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

ARTICLES

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:45) - Meet Shannon Jenkins
(04:13) - Why Start Over?
(06:45) - What Made the Divorce High Conflict?
(10:40) - Finding How to Approach the Case
(13:17) - Business Law
(14:35) - The Hague Convention
(16:17) - Some of the High Conflict Issues
(19:43) - What Made It Work?
(23:40) - Her Support Structure
(29:00) - How Things Turned Out
(33:12) - Confusion
(35:27) - How Her Son's Doing
(36:57) - Wrapping Up
(39:19) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Susie Rayner

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Johnny Depp & Amber Heard: Are Domestic Violence Allegations True or False? May 19, 2022

The legal case between Amber Heard and Johnny Depp has been heard around the world. It’s a case rife with allegations of domestic violence on both sides, which will be challenging for the jury to make a decision.

In this episode Bill and Megan discuss the case and why it is important to focus on the big picture rather than being persuaded by a single picture or an isolated story. They will discuss:

What kind of case is it – family law or defamation?
Who will decide – a judge or a jury?
The four different types of domestic violence
Whether the jurors can keep an open mind or not
Can jurors avoid confirmation bias, assuming it’s always true, always false or always both?
Why do juries and judges need 3 theories of any case of allegations of abuse?

Links & Other Notes

WEBSITES

COURSE

Conversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 Experts: A 6-Part video series on Domestic Violence (DV) / Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) best practices in the family law environment in the United States and Canada

BOOKS

Dating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to “The One” Who Will Make Your Life Hell

ARTICLES

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:18) - Johnny Depp and Amber Heard
(03:42) - Types of Domestic Violence
(08:06) - Trying to See the Big Picture
(14:57) - Confirmation Bias
(17:40) - Three Theories
(20:57) - True or False
(27:03) - Dating Radar
(31:05) - Reminders
(32:09) - Coming Next Week: DV Guest

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Bullies at Work with Catherine Mattice May 12, 2022

Workplace conflict is on the increase. According to a 2021 survey, 89% of employees from a diverse range of industries reported experiencing conflict at work, consuming 3.5 hours/week on average. Finding employees is challenging, making a calm workplace imperative if competitive advantage is to be gained. When incivility and bullies or other high conflict people are in the workplace, the impact goes deep.

In this episode Bill and Megan talk with guest Catherine Mattice, founder of Civility Partners, and author of Back Off! Your Kick-Ass Guide to End Bullying at Work. They will discuss:

whether bullying is increasing
the definition of bullying
causes of bullying
can it be eliminated?
impact on others of bullying
does coaching work?
should a bully be terminated?
should we have workplace bullying laws?
creating a psychologically safe work environment

Catherine has a wealth of experience specifically in bullying, including the latest research.

Links & Other Notes

WEBSITES

BOOKS

ARTICLES

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:18) - Catherine Mattice
(03:45) - Catherine's Backstory
(08:23) - Defining Workplace Bullying
(11:12) - Causes of Workplace Bullying
(13:42) - Eliminating It
(15:59) - Those Who Are Impacted
(16:54) - Is a Bully by Default an HCP?
(19:39) - Reading the Population
(22:07) - Evaluations
(22:47) - Group Responses
(24:26) - If You Need to Get Rid of Them
(28:25) - How They Get There
(29:56) - BIFF Certification
(30:56) - What's Gratifying
(32:46) - Workplace Bullying Laws
(35:44) - Psychologically Safe Work Environment
(41:54) - Finding Catherine
(43:37) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Q&A Lab - Answering Listener Questions May 05, 2022

It’s time for the Q&A Lab again! In this episode, Bill and Megan answer listener questions on several topics, including:

dealing with high conflict family members who accuse you of not living up to their expectations. Should hurtful comments be ignored? Should EAR Statements be used?
similarities and differences of ADHD and personality disorders
can ADHD co-exist with a high conflict personality in the same individual
from a previous podcast on Russia’s Putin in which we suggested that he may suffer from malignant narcissism, and whether the term “psychopath” would be more accurate
deciding when to use EAR Statements and BIFF Responses to create connection with a person with a high conflict personality, and when to just take distance or avoid them
re-kindling an old friendship with someone with Borderline Personality HCP attributes

Listen as we break it down and answer these questions that truly have a significant impact on lives.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything

ARTICLES

The CARS Method® for Resolving High Conflict Situations

Don’t Let HCPs Ruin Your Life

You Can Strengthen Any Relationship With Empathy, Attention, and Respect

WEBSITE

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:52) - Q&A Lab
(03:04) - Question 1
(10:24) - Question 2
(17:03) - Question 3
(22:42) - Question 4
(26:04) - Question 5
(32:50) - Links, Etc.
(33:48) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Catherine Mattice

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Part 2: Borderline Personality Disorder for Family Members Apr 28, 2022

Family members (and friends) of someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD) are typically mystified about how to interact with them, walk on eggshells around them, and generally feel overwhelmed and defeated because they don’t know what to do.

In this episode, Bill and Megan continue their discussion with BPD expert Amanda Smith, LCSW, founder of HopeforBPD.com. Amanda is a highly skilled BPD and Dialectical Behavior Therapy expert, having helped countless clients through their recovery. She’s helped family members learn the necessary skills for helping their loved one best while also taking care of themselves. Amanda also provides treatment consultation. She is the author of two books:

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner
The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for Families

In this episode – part 2 of 2 – Amanda gives hope and help to family members and friends of those with BPD. She discusses what to do and what to avoid. She will explain whether BPD is a hopeless situation with no resolution or whether something can be done to intervene – including whether an “intervention” can work.

Links & Other Notes

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:35) - The Family of Someone With BPD
(03:39) - Avoiding Blame
(06:30) - Helping When They Don't See the Problem
(08:24) - When in a Marriage
(10:18) - Couples Counseling
(12:21) - Intervention?
(14:45) - Calling It Out
(16:13) - How to Approach It
(17:58) - In High Conflict Divorces
(21:37) - E A R Statements
(23:14) - Medication
(24:55) - Amanda's Book
(27:45) - Wrapping Up
(29:59) - Reminders

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Part 1: Borderline Personality Disorder for Those Who Suffer Apr 21, 2022

People throw around the term Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD), but most likely don’t even know what it is, and many have no idea how to handle it, whether within themselves or with a family member. Relationships and interactions are somewhat of a mystery to those around them, and even to themselves. People with BPD often feel like the black sheep of the family, but once you have an understanding of what may be happening and use a set of skills that are typically quite opposite.

In this episode, Bill and Megan talk with BPD expert Amanda Smith, LCSW, founder of HopeforBPD.com. Amanda is a highly skilled BPD and Dialectical Behavior Therapy expert, having helped countless clients through their recovery. She’s helped family members learn the necessary skills for helping their loved one best while also taking care of themselves. Amanda also provides treatment consultation. She is the author of two books:

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner
The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for Families

In this episode – part 1 of 2 – Amanda discusses the basics of BPD and how to get help. In next week’s episode – part 2 – she will focus on what families can do to help.

Links & Other Notes

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:30) - Amanda Smith
(04:15) - Successes
(05:08) - Trauma
(07:15) - BPD vs. PTSD
(09:13) - Emotion Disregulation
(13:17) - Treatment
(16:17) - In Parenting Cases
(23:00) - On the Rise and More Acceptance?
(25:07) - Resistant?
(27:07) - Online Course
(28:08) - Therapist Parameters
(31:08) - Complicating Factors
(33:47) - Amanda & Her Books
(36:33) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Part 2

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Will Smith: High Conflict or Just Upset? Apr 14, 2022

The slap heard around the world. Obviously this was a high conflict situation, but was it a one-off incident resulting from a highly stressed person, aka Will Smith? Or two highly stressed people, Smith and comedian Chris Rock? Or did either of them show signs of a potential high conflict personality?

In this episode, Bill and Megan break it down.

What could have been happening just before Will walked on stage?
What impact did Chris Rock’s responses have on Will and on the situation?
Were both of them exhibiting high conflict behaviors? Is there a history on either side showing a high conflict pattern?
Did Chris use what ultimately was an EAR Statement?
Were the consequences effectuated by the Academy effective?
If not, what should happen to effect actual change in high conflict behavior?

This is a behind-the scenes exploration into what could have been happening with Will Smith in this situation. We don’t diagnose. We don’t blame and shame. We just explore and focus on what to do next.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS
Calming Upset People with EAR

ARTICLES
Can High Conflict People Change?

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:19) - The Slap Heard Around the World
(08:23) - Background
(09:48) - Recognize and Adapt
(13:02) - Chris Rock
(14:56) - Breaking Down the Responses
(20:11) - What Happened Next
(24:08) - Consequences
(30:52) - Wrapping Up
(31:37) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Guest Amanda Smith

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

When a High Conflict Decision-Maker Uses BIFF & EAR on You Apr 07, 2022

Continuing from the previous episode, Bill and Megan take a listener question about a high conflict situation in the workplace. Specifically, what do you do when actual high conflict people in management turn the “Bill Eddy” skills around and use them with others who are not high conflict.

Megan and Bill explain how their new Conflict Influencer™ Certification program can help in situations like this.

Links & Other Notes

CONFLICT INFLUENCER™ CERTIFICATION COURSE

BOOKS

It’s All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict People

ARTICLES

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:17) - High Conflict Certification Course Recap
(03:24) - Listener Question: HCPs in Healthcare
(22:43) - The Course
(30:26) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: More BIFF

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

High Conflict Certification for the Workplace Mar 31, 2022

High conflict situations in the workplace are increasing as workers return to the office. Global anxiety is higher than normal, and for those who may have a high conflict personality, the conflict may become even more unrestrained.

In this episode, Megan and Bill introduce a new initiative undertaken by the High Conflict Institute to help organizations and companies deal with high conflict situations, high conflict employees/stakeholders/boards, or just about anyone. They discuss the need for advanced high conflict training and why it’s beneficial for entire organizations to learn the necessary skills to unite and and reduce conflict. They discuss this new initiative, the Conflict Influencer™ Certification program in detail, in this and the next episode.

Links & Other Notes

CONFLICT INFLUENCER™ CERTIFICATION COURSE

BOOKS

It’s All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict People

ARTICLES

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:13) - High Conflict in the Workplace
(05:41) - The Certification Course
(13:11) - The Goal
(26:54) - Reminders & Coming Up Next Week

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Finally Figuring It Out: Learning From a Late-in-Life Bi-Polar Diagnosis with Dr. Jay Lieberman Mar 24, 2022

A diagnosis of bi-polar disorder can be both devastating and liberating. Although such a diagnosis is unsettling because of the lifetime implications, it can also be a relief to have an answer and hope for a calmer future.

In this episode, Bill and Megan are joined by Dr. Jay Lieberman, a retired surgeon in the podiatry field who was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder later in life than most — at age 60. As one might expect, his professional and personal life took some major hits after some harrowing events that wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t been suffering with an undiagnosed mental illness.

Dr. Jay shares his journey – in a very transparent way – through the impacts of his behavior on his marriage, his career, and other relationships. It’s a journey marked with significant loss, but also with a great deal of new life, new purpose, forgiveness, and hope. Listen in as Bill and Megan talk with Dr. Jay about:

the similarities and differences between bi-polar behaviors and high conflict behaviors
domestic violence and incarceration
medications
what and who were most helpful
advice for members, friends, and colleagues regarding someone who may be exhibiting “high conflict” behaviors, whether from a bi-polar diagnosis or with a high conflict personality
helping others

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

Calming Upset People with EAR

ARTICLES

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:46) - Meet Dr. Jay Lieberman
(24:55) - What Worked
(28:25) - High Conflict with Bipolar
(33:40) - Extreme Behaviors
(36:21) - Domestic Violence
(36:59) - When It's Family
(38:46) - Don't Tell Them Directly
(39:47) - Respect and Suspect
(43:51) - Dr. Lieberman's Book & Wrap Up
(45:25) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: High Conflict in the Workplace

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Putin’s Potential: Is Putin a Malignant Narcissist? Part 2 Mar 17, 2022

Putin hasn’t stopped, as we predicted, and it doesn’t look like he’s going to stop. Is that because he’s backed into a corner? Because he’s trying to save face? Or because his malignant narcissism (yes, that means his narcissism grows over time) won’t allow him to stop?

Bill and Megan continue their discussion about what has become one of the worst disasters not only in modern times but in all recorded history, driven by a man who is willing to do what 99.9999% of the rest of the world would never do. In our work we teach that high conflict people do things that 90% of other people would never do. In this case, it’s even more extreme. Although there are other malignant narcissists as political leaders across the globe, he’s the only one engaging in actions that 99.9999% of other people would never do.

Listen as Bill and Megan discuss:

what makes a malignant narcissist and whether Putin fits the description (although we’re not diagnosing him)
what stops a malignant narcissist
whether Ukraine’s President Zelensky handling Putin’s narcissism in the correct manner
whether NATO and other nations are handling Putin’s narcissism in the correct manner
Bill’s book Why We Elect Narcissists and Sociopaths and How We Can Stop written in 2019 (he’s not different now in 2022, he’s just worse)
the fantasy triad and whether/how it applies in this escalation
how much of this bad news is harmful for us to watch

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

ARTICLES

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:32) - Week Three
(04:12) - What Is a Malignant Narcissist?
(09:23) - Will He Stop?
(11:11) - Suicide?
(13:13) - Manipulations
(16:06) - Zelensky's Leadership
(17:32) - How Everyone's Handling Him
(20:06) - Bill's Research for His Book
(24:15) - How This Affects Us
(29:53) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Dr. Jay Lieberman

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Is Putin a Malignant Narcissist? If So, Can We Predict His Future Actions? Mar 10, 2022

Putin’s attack on Ukraine. Why is he doing it? What drives him to act with such ferocity to destroy a county, innocent civilians, children? In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss whether Putin is a malignant narcissist, what that means, and whether his future actions can be predicted with this knowledge.

To get insight into this personality type and how it manifests in Putin’s framework, listen in as Bill and Megan discuss The Heart of Man: Its Genius for Good and Evil by Erich Fromm wherein Fromm explains malignant narcissism in leaders, along with these important notes:

What do malignant narcissists want?
Do they want unlimited power over others?
Are malignant narcissists unusual and rare? Or do we find them in the workplace and in political leadership?
Why is this happening now?
Does Putin think he can get away with what he’s doing?
Does he have the ability to stop himself?
What is needed by Ukraine and by the world to stop him?

This is one of our most important episodes — one that everyone should hear to gain an understanding of the realities of what the world is dealing with and what, if anything, can be done to stop him.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

ARTICLES

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(03:25) - What is Malignant Narcissism?
(07:06) - Diagnosis in public... for the public good.
(10:42) - Have there been signals in public?
(17:00) - Gaslighting
(20:25) - The Nuclear Option
(23:59) - What can we do?
(26:32) - Why is this happening now?
(28:16) - Ukranian Leadership
(30:37) - Final Thoughts

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Using Empathy, Attention and Respect to Calm Current Conflicts Mar 03, 2022

In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss the use of EAR Statements to calm current conflicts experienced by people across the globe. Anger, accusations, and opinions flying everywhere. People having conversations that most would have not engaged in a few years ago but now seem to be unable to stop themselves. Megan starts off with a recent example from the show ‘Sister Wives’ about the need for the use of empathy in relationships and conversations.

Bill explains what an EAR Statement is and how to use them in various scenarios in every day life, such as:

reducing political polarization
arguments over vaccines, masks, and social distancing during this pandemic
family and marital conflict
curriculums in your children’s schools
law enforcement encounters
protests
customer service

Listen in and learn how to use EAR Statements in any walk of life.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

Calming Upset People with EAR

ARTICLES

Our website

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes on our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:37) - EAR Statements
(05:20) - What Is EAR?
(09:26) - EAR in a Non-High Conflict Situation
(10:42) - Today's Conflicts
(14:33) - An Example
(17:05) - Using EAR in Today's Conflicts
(21:26) - Using EAR Calming a Protest
(28:00) - Listener Question
(31:20) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Guest Dr. Jay Lieberman on Being Bi-Polar, with Domestic Violence

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Q&A Lab: Dating Edition Feb 24, 2022

If you are curious about love and romance with challenging – or even toxic – partners, this is your opportunity to hear questions from our listeners and Bill’s and Megan’s answers. In this episode, they answer questions about:

partners who make life hell for awhile and then can be okay and very loving for awhile
extreme jealousy and whether it’s okay to allow partners to read your private texts and emails
threats of financial and reputational ruin when the romance is about to end
threats of suicide to prevent a partner from breaking up
lack of empathy as a sign of someone with a high conflict personality
warning signs in the Jodi Arias case

Megan and Bill answer these questions and more in this final episode of the Dating Radar series.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

DATING RADAR TEST & SURVEY RESULTS

COURSE

Conversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 Experts: A 6-PART VIDEO SERIES on Domestic Violence (DV) / Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) best practices in the family law environment in the United States and Canada

ARTICLES

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:45) - Dating Radar Q&A
(03:13) - Question 1
(05:42) - Question 2
(11:44) - Question 3
(20:18) - Question 4
(23:36) - Question 5
(27:16) - Question 6
(33:05) - Final Thoughts
(34:59) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: The Current Conflict Atmosphere

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Dating Radar: Your Blind Spots Feb 17, 2022

Watch Those Blind Spots!

The very qualities that help us fall in love can at the same time be the on-ramp for the highway to hell. Avoiding a high-conflict relationship requires looking beyond attraction, chemistry, availability & compatibility, and recognizing your own particular blind spots.

Bill and Megan talk about three types of ‘blind spot’ fact-finding and how to understand how your vulnerabilities can blind you.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

DATING RADAR TEST & SURVEY RESULTS

ARTICLES

Dating Radar: Your X-Ray Vision In A New Relationship

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:42) - Avoiding Toxic Relationships a
(04:16) - Why Our Brain Says Yes
(05:21) - Low Self-Esteem
(06:59) - Loneliness or Grieving
(09:04) - Naïve Beliefs
(13:32) - Mistaking Warning Signs for Love
(28:13) - Last Thoughts
(35:30) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Dating Radar Q&As

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Dating Radar: How HCPs Jam Your Radar Feb 10, 2022

In the first episode of this Dating Radar four-part series, Megan and Bill discuss how people with high conflict personalities (HCPs) can destroy your life. In this episode, listen in as they discuss how HCPs jam your radar. We’d all like to think we’re wise to it, but there are several factors that make us susceptible, which Megan and Bill discuss.

They delve into a Dating Radar survey with over 650 responses from people who have been in high conflict romantic relationships. Respondents shared their experiences and lessons learned, including the “spark” that should have been a red flag but was experienced as a sign of true love and compatibility. And Bill and Megan also discuss the issue of fake compatibility often experienced by those who fall for HCPs.

This series is for everyone, but especially for young people or parents of young people who need to pay attention to dating radar before it’s too late.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

Dating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to "The One" Who Will Make Your Life Hell

ARTICLES

DATING RADAR TEST & SURVEY RESULTS

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(03:04) - Dating Radar
(04:46) - Survey Question – That Spark!
(10:14) - The Power of Desperation
(12:49) - Charm
(17:10) - Compatibility
(19:25) - Overt Sexuality
(23:18) - Protectiveness
(28:01) - Other Attractive Qualities
(30:45) - Quick Tips
(32:26) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Blind Spots

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Dating Radar: High Conflict Types You Might Want to Avoid Feb 03, 2022

There are people you shouldn’t marry, have children with, or have a financial entanglement – people with high conflict personalities. They blame, gaslight, lie, deny, make false allegations, and some will seek to destroy you or your reputation.

These are relationship destroyers – the people who can ruin your life and make you wish you’d never had children with them.

So why do we get involved with them? Why does the brain say ‘yes’ to people who will make your life a living hell? It’s because we don’t have good dating radar and we don’t think we are so stupid that we’d fall into such a horrible relationship.

Megan and Bill discuss the five high conflict personality types and how they behave in romantic relationships, including:

Borderline HCPs
Narcissistic HCPs
Antisocial (sociopath) HCPs
Histrionic HCPs
Paranoid HCPs

Caveat: Not everyone with these personality disorders has a high conflict personality, but some do. How can you tell? They are the blamers, and they’re no fun in relationships. Listen in as Megan and Bill start this four-part series on Dating Radar.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

Dating Radar (paperback, audio, e-book)

DATING RADAR TEST & SURVEY RESULTS

ARTICLES

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(03:01) - Dating Radar
(06:27) - What Is an HCP?
(08:12) - Narcissistic Personalities
(10:27) - Borderline Personalities
(15:33) - Histrionic Personalities
(18:01) - Paranoid Personalities
(19:25) - Antisocial Personalities
(22:19) - Overlap
(24:31) - The Survey
(34:39) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: How HCPs Jam Your Radar

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

High Conflict Emotion Contagion Jan 27, 2022

The challenge of being emotional creatures

Did you know that emotions are contagious? We like to think we are in complete control of our emotions, but lots of research shows that emotions are contagious and it’s how we handle our own emotions once we’re emotionally hooked.

In this episode we’ll break down emotion contagion. If you’re a brain nerd like us, or you simply want to have a better understanding of human behavior and the impact of unmanaged emotions on others, you’ll enjoy this episode. Specifically, we’ll discuss:

Can you get emotionally “hooked?” and “unhooked?”
How exactly are emotions contagious? How does that work in our brains?
Can emotions lead us to make bad decisions?
How do High Conflict People deal with emotions?
How do High Conflict People communicate differently using their emotions?
Are emotions part of why we have such angry polarization today in families and in politics?
What can we do to calm down emotions

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

ON DEMAND COURSE

ARTICLES

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:37) - Emotionally Hooked & Unhooked
(06:17) - Getting Hooked
(08:11) - Emotional Persuasion
(14:08) - In the Brain
(22:28) - Emotions Leading to Bad Decisions
(25:44) - HCPs Dealing With Emotions
(28:52) - Communicating with Emotions
(30:18) - Polarization
(35:36) - Calming Emotions
(37:42) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: HCPs in Love

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Q & A Lab Jan 20, 2022

You’ve got questions. We’ve got answers.

In this episode we host our very first Q & A Lab where we answer your questions about high conflict people. We focus on three questions:

Narcissists who get it backwards What do you do when they turn it around and accuse you of being the narcissistic HCP?
Bosses who complain and blame e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y) What do you do to get your HCP boss to stop?
Parents who blame and make extreme accusations, such as kidnapping What do you do in the aftermath?

Listen in as we answer your questions by identifying whether it’s a high conflict behavior or not, providing insight into the behaviors, and making suggestions for handling them.

We’ll be doing a monthly Q & A Lab. Submit your questions anytime!

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

It’s All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict People (Paperback or e-Book)
Calming Upset People with EAR: How Statements Showing Empathy, Attention and Respect Can Quickly Defuse a Conflict (Paperback or e-Book)
Don’t Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High-Conflict Divorce (Paperback or e-Book)

AUDIO

Managing High Conflict Situations in the Workplace: For Employees

ARTICLES

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:53) - Q&A Lab
(03:28) - Question One
(08:39) - Question Two
(21:17) - Question Three
(28:01) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: High Conflict Emotions

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Domestic Violence in Family Law: Part 2 Jan 13, 2022

Domestic Violence

Megan and Bill are joined by the Honorable Karen Adam and Annette Burns to discuss domestic violence. This is part two of this conversation.

Links & Other Notes

THE VIDEO THAT WAS DISCUSSED IN THE EPISODE

Conversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 Experts

BIOS

Bios for Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., Honorable Karen Adam, and Annette Burns, J.D.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE EXPERTS INTERVIEWED IN THE VIDEO

Abi Ajibolade, Executive Director, The Redwood, Toronto, Ontario
Amy G. Applegate, JD, Clinical Professor of Law, Maurer School of Law, Indiana University, Bloomington, Indiana
Linda Bortell, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist, Bortell Psychological, Inc., Los Angeles, California
Melissa Brickhouse-Thomas, LCSW, Manager, Victim Services, Glendale Police Dept., Glendale, Arizona
Gabrielle Davis, JD, Legal and Policy Advisor, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Loretta M. Frederick, JD, Senior Legal & Policy Director, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Anna Harper-Guerrero, LMSW, Executive Vice President & Chief Strategy Officer, Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse, Tucson, Arizona
Amy Holtzworth-Munroe, PhD, Professor of Psychology, Dept. of Psychological & Brain Science, Indiana University, Bloomington, Indiana
Hilary A. Linton, JD, LLM, Mediator, President, Family Mediation Services (mediate393) Toronto, Ontario
Jan Maiden, JD, Family Law/Domestic Violence Attorney, Law Office of Jan Maiden, San Diego, California
Wendy Million, City Magistrate, Tucson City Court Domestic Violence Court, Tucson, Arizona
Charles A. Sawchenko, MSW, Police Lieutenant (Ret), Delaware State Police, Dover, Delaware
William Spiller, Jr., JD, Family Lawyer and Minor’s Counsel, Law Offices of William Spiller, Jr., Los Angeles, California
Nancy Ver Steegh, MSW, JD, Professor of Law, Mitchell Hamline School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota
Neil Websdale, PhD, Director, Family Violence Center, Arizona State University, Tempe, Arizona
David Wexler, PhD, Director, Relationship Training Institute, San Diego, California

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:40) - Part II: Domestic Violence in Family Law
(03:19) - Why Screen Cases for DV
(07:48) - Importance for Courts to See Full Picture
(11:11) - Avoiding Bias
(14:43) - Impacting Cases
(18:37) - Therapists' Role
(23:20) - Mediation
(26:57) - Dealing With Children's Concerns
(35:26) - Parenting Plans
(38:05) - Treatment
(40:09) - Self-Care
(44:45) - If You're Currently in a DV Situation
(46:23) - Coming Next Week: Listener Questions

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Domestic Violence in Family Law: Part 1 Jan 06, 2022

Domestic Violence

Megan and Bill are joined by the Honorable Karen Adam and Annette Burns to discuss domestic violence. This is part one of this conversation.

Links & Other Notes

THE VIDEO THAT WAS DISCUSSED IN THE EPISODE

Conversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 Experts

BIOS

Bios for Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., Honorable Karen Adam, and Annette Burns, J.D.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE EXPERTS INTERVIEWED IN THE VIDEO

Abi Ajibolade, Executive Director, The Redwood, Toronto, Ontario
Amy G. Applegate, JD, Clinical Professor of Law, Maurer School of Law, Indiana University, Bloomington, Indiana
Linda Bortell, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist, Bortell Psychological, Inc., Los Angeles, California
Melissa Brickhouse-Thomas, LCSW, Manager, Victim Services, Glendale Police Dept., Glendale, Arizona
Gabrielle Davis, JD, Legal and Policy Advisor, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Loretta M. Frederick, JD, Senior Legal & Policy Director, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Anna Harper-Guerrero, LMSW, Executive Vice President & Chief Strategy Officer, Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse, Tucson, Arizona
Amy Holtzworth-Munroe, PhD, Professor of Psychology, Dept. of Psychological & Brain Science, Indiana University, Bloomington, Indiana
Hilary A. Linton, JD, LLM, Mediator, President, Family Mediation Services (mediate393) Toronto, Ontario
Jan Maiden, JD, Family Law/Domestic Violence Attorney, Law Office of Jan Maiden, San Diego, California
Wendy Million, City Magistrate, Tucson City Court Domestic Violence Court, Tucson, Arizona
Charles A. Sawchenko, MSW, Police Lieutenant (Ret), Delaware State Police, Dover, Delaware
William Spiller, Jr., JD, Family Lawyer and Minor’s Counsel, Law Offices of William Spiller, Jr., Los Angeles, California
Nancy Ver Steegh, MSW, JD, Professor of Law, Mitchell Hamline School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota
Neil Websdale, PhD, Director, Family Violence Center, Arizona State University, Tempe, Arizona
David Wexler, PhD, Director, Relationship Training Institute, San Diego, California

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:36) - Dealing With Domestic Violence
(04:23) - Meet Our Guests
(06:19) - Impetus Behind DV Video Series
(07:14) - Overall Objective
(08:27) - Surprises
(09:49) - Karen's Motivation
(13:42) - Survivor vs. Victim
(16:52) - Annette's Motivation
(19:24) - Biggest Issues in Divorce & Co-Parenting
(29:36) - Intimate Partner Violence vs. DV
(31:46) - Coercive Control
(34:15) - HCPs
(41:14) - Last Words
(42:53) - Coming Next Week: Part 2

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Harm Reduction with YouTube Influencer & Author Dr. Todd Grande Dec 30, 2021

Do you love reading thrillers and mysteries? Or binging shows like Dexter on Netflix? If you do, you’re going to love this episode! We’re interviewing our very first podcast guest, Dr. Todd Grande, who is the author of Harm Reduction, a thriller of extraordinary psychological depth that explores the interactions of a therapist, a narcissistic serial killer, and a detective. Their lives intertwine and revolve around leveraging and holding a secret.

Dr. Grande is a content creator on YouTube, with 950k subscribers (he’ll likely reach 1 million before this episode airs). On his channel, he discusses the details of various news events, court cases, celebrities, serial killers, personality theory, mental health and much more.

Dr. Grande joins Bill and Megan on this episode to discuss his new book and to take a deep dive into the pathology of serial killers. Are they all narcissistic? Sociopaths? Psychopaths? All of the above? What are intricacies of various types, and do they overlap with other types of mental illness. For example, have you ever wondered about serial killers who also have OCD? Dr. Grande and Bill will discuss the personality types, led by Megan who will also discuss Dr. Grande’s other books, a series titled The Notorious Series. They will talk about:

The Psychology of Notorious Serial Killers (2021)
The Psychology of Notorious Church Killers (2022)
The Psychology of Notorious Celebrity Deaths (2022)

Don’t miss this fascinating talk with Dr. Grande.

Links & Other Notes

YOUTUBE CHANNEL

Dr. Todd Grande

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:37) - Dr. Todd Grande and His Book Harm Reduction
(04:52) - What's It About?
(05:41) - Why These Characters?
(07:45) - Narcissistic Serial Killers
(12:11) - Clusters A, B, & C
(16:15) - Low Numbers
(18:30) - Addiction
(19:11) - Tech and Serial Killers
(21:27) - Cues to Watch For
(23:57) - Dramatic Interests
(24:26) - Lack of Empathy
(27:07) - Serial Killer Character in Book
(29:37) - Not First Person
(31:34) - Inspiration for Writing Fiction
(32:49) - What would a mental health clinician learn from this book?
(35:04) - Any Follow-Up Planned?
(36:55) - Movie Adaptation?
(37:34) - Wrapping Up
(38:07) - The Notorious Series
(43:09) - Closing
(43:54) - Coming Next Week: Domestic Violence in Relationships 2-Part Interview

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Holiday Conflict Reduction Dec 23, 2021

What causes conflict? Differing ideas and opinions do, but most people can manage it, although extraordinary circumstances, time pressures and stress can click the conflict dial to max for just about anyone. But when you’re dealing with someone with a high conflict personality, you can expect the any gathering, especially holidays gatherings, to have some dramatic or even explosive situations.

In the 2020-21 global pandemic, most people are on edge. Anxiety is high. Arguments over the efficacy of masks; whether vaccines will save you, harm you or kill you; lockdowns as a necessity or a loss of fundamental human rights. These are all important topics and impact almost everyone but only a fraction will end up shouting, slamming doors, ending conversations, throwing phones, and telling you that you’re wrong. It doesn't matter what the topic is, people with high conflict personalities will likely create some conflict around it.

This episode focuses on how to handle the person who wants to discuss and debate over the dinner table. Bill Eddy will give his best tips for shutting those conversations down in an non-confrontational way that will save your sanity and keep the conflict low through the holidays.

The second half of the episode deals with handling loneliness during the holidays, as many parents, grandparents and even kids spend them alone, isolated from the people they love. Whether a regular divorce keeps you from your kids, or a high conflict divorce with alienation has kept you from them for a long time — it’s hardest to cope during the holidays. Bill and Megan touch on these sensitive topics with some helpful information to help you through the holidays and beyond.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

ONLINE COURSE

Calming Upset People with an EAR Statement

ARTICLES

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:37) - Holiday Conflict
(03:29) - Tips to Stop Holiday Conflict
(09:49) - Assumptions
(10:49) - One More Tip
(11:32) - A Family of Multiple HCPs
(13:19) - The Overly Sensitive Person
(15:29) - The Narcissist
(16:45) - When Alone
(25:55) - HCP Whiplash
(28:50) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Dr. Todd Grande

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Living on the Edge: Borderline High Conflict People Dec 16, 2021

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an often misunderstood and unfairly maligned mental health issue. Years of misinformation on the Internet, filled with scary details or an impossible life cast a dark shadow. Unfortunately, those who struggle with it would be helped if more people understood what it is and how to help. Many with BPD tend to isolate, but those who also blame may have a borderline high conflict personality.

What is it like on the other side of the relationship? What do you do when faced with explosive rage? How do you handle the mood swings and need for constant attachment? What do you do when someone you love seems beyond help? Or how do you help your client in the best way when it seems they sabotage their own case?

This type of personality is driven by a fear of being abandoned, so the rules of their operating system direct them to try to remain connected with the people closest to them. Once their fear button is triggered, whether perceived or real (it feels very real to them), their mood can take a wild swing, which is when high conflict behaviors surface: blame, all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged intense emotions and extreme behaviors. Sadly, this can drive people away, unless you develop some skills to help you manage the relationship. Without diagnosing or labeling, Bill and Megan discuss the borderline high conflict personality type, including:

What it means to feel abandoned
What this looks like in relationships
How past trauma may cause or contribute to the development of a borderline high conflict personality
How to identify someone who may have a borderline high conflict personality
Tips for interactions that will help everyone involved
Statistics on Borderline Personality Disorder in the U.S.

There’s a gift side to every person, including those with a borderline high conflict personality, but becoming aware and educated are keys to helping them and helping yourself. In this episode, we explore the borderline high conflict personality — the final in the ‘five types of people’ series. In the previous four episodes we talked about Narcissistic, Antisocial, Paranoid, and Histrionic HCPs (high conflict people). Listen in as Bill and Megan explore the basics of this personality type. You will likely learn something new, gain some insight and a few basic tips on managing relationships with them that benefit everyone.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

ARTICLES

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(01:51) - Borderline Personality Disorder
(07:34) - What Is BPD?
(10:15) - Main Characteristics
(14:37) - BPDs vs. Borderline HCPs
(16:49) - What does High Conflict mean?
(18:41) - Stats
(22:06) - Bipolar vs. Borderline HCPs
(26:58) - Where does it come from?
(30:46) - Relationships with BPDs
(35:51) - Empathy
(38:55) - Jealousy
(40:58) - Summary
(42:31) - Is there hope?
(47:21) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Listener Questions

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Living With Suspicion: Paranoid High Conflict People Dec 09, 2021

Ever been around someone who was ultra-suspicious? Not just the typical accusatory behaviors, but someone who suspects conspiracies against them or that someone doesn’t like them or feels a certain way about them ... all based on an assumption or jumping to conclusions from a facial expression? Well, you just may have been around someone with a paranoid high conflict personality.

This type of personality is driven by a fear of being betrayed, so the rules of their operating system direct them to be suspicious of others. Once their fear button is triggered, whether perceived or real (it feels very real to them), they attack first. The behaviors of those with high conflict personalities all come out at that time: blame, all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, and extreme behaviors. Bill and Megan discuss the paranoid high conflict personality type, including:

Their need to be in control of their surroundings and fear of being betrayed and need to hold grudges
The differences between paranoid high conflict personality and other paranoias
How to spot people who may have a paranoid high conflict personality
Tips for interacting with them, using an EAR Statement™ and BIFF Response®
Statistics on Paranoid Personality Disorder and Paranoid HCPs in the U.S

Being around someone like this can wear on your nerves and become draining, but it doesn’t have to. In this episode, we continue talking about the five types of people who can ruin your life. In the previous three episodes we talked about Narcissistic, Antisocial and Histrionic HCPs, or high conflict people. In this episode we are talking about Paranoid HCPs. This one has always been a little confusing for people because the other four types can also appear to have paranoia, and other mental health disorders may also experience the same. Paranoid Personality Disorder is a little different.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

ARTICLES

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:37) - Paranoid HCPs
(03:20) - What is Paranoid Personality Disorder?
(09:30) - Paranoia in HCPs
(10:43) - Stats
(11:19) - How They Present Themselves
(12:43) - The Fear That Drives Them
(13:42) - Relationships With Paranoids
(15:25) - Social?
(19:00) - In the Workplace
(21:00) - What NOT to Do
(22:06) - Revenge
(23:03) - In Summary
(26:01) - Dealing With Paranoid HCPs
(29:14) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Borderline HCPs

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Dealing with Drama: Histrionic High Conflict People Dec 02, 2021

Histrionic Personality Disorder. It’s all about the drama.

Drama abounds online, on television, in movies, and in everyday life. But have you been around a person who is all drama all the time? With loads of storytelling and emotional persuasion? You may have been around someone with a histrionic high conflict personality.

This type of personality is driven by an intense need to be the center of attention, and when they aren’t, the blame and anger begin. But in the beginning, you may have been charmed by their sometimes flirtatious behavior (not all are this way) and later experienced and been exhausted by their non-stop drama and attention-seeking. Bill and Megan discuss the histrionic high conflict personality type, including:

Their need to be the center of attention and fear of feeling ignored
The differences between a self-absorbed person and someone with histrionic high conflict personality traits and behaviors
Why they exhaust those around them and how others experience their high conflict behaviors
How to spot them
Statistics on Histrionic Personality Disorder and histrionic HCPs in the U.S.

Understanding and dealing with Histrionic HCPs takes time, but learning about their fear-based operating system as well as learning a few simple skills – like setting limits – will help calm your life and prevent you from burning out.

If you’ve spent much time around someone with a histrionic high conflict personality, you know how exhausting interactions with them can be. Plus, their M.O. in life is it’s all about me, creating lop-sided relationships and one-way interactions. Setting limits is a key skill in turning that around. The first step is to understand their behavior patterns, starting now.

Send us your stories!

We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the ‘Submit a Question’ button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.

Please rate, review and share this show!

Links & Other Notes

Books:

Conflict Communication Series

Calming Upset People with EAR
BIFF
BIFF for CoParent Communication
BIFF at Work
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books and some in audio format.

On Demand Courses:

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

You can also find these show notes on our website as well.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:46) - Histrionic Personality Disorders
(04:26) - What Is Histrionic Personality Disorder?
(07:23) - Superficial Speech
(10:03) - Histrionic Fear
(11:51) - How Does It Develop
(13:45) - Helping Your Children Avoid Becoming Histrionic
(16:31) - Stats
(18:55) - When In a Relationship With a Histrionic
(20:06) - In Romantic Relationship
(21:42) - In the Workplace
(23:05) - In Summary & Tips
(24:17) - Common Areas
(25:45) - Persuasive
(27:03) - Histrionic vs. the Other Four Types
(27:58) - Wrapping Up
(28:45) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Paranoid

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

The Sociopath: Antisocial High Conflict People Nov 25, 2021

The Antisocial Personality Disorder

Have you met this person? Someone who:

tries to dominate you
disruptive/volatile
disregard for laws/social rules
frequently lie and mislead you
manipulates
confuses you
lacks remorse/empathy/respect for your rights

If so, you might have been around someone with an Antisocial personality. This isn’t the person who stands in the corner during parties –which is often top of mind with the term antisocial. It’s actually Antisocial Personality Disorder (used interchangeably with sociopath). You know... it’s the guy (or gal) who thinks they’re special. He thinks he can park his car anywhere and not be towed. She embezzles from the company or fakes cancer to raise money. He blows up if he does not get the superior treatment he apparently deserves. She has an opinion about everything, hijacks conversations, poo-poos your thoughts and emotions and will lie though her teeth even when she knows she can get caught. Most of all – he wants something from you!

If you think you’ve never been around someone like this, you probably have been... but weren’t aware of what you were dealing with. Those who are married to them or have them as bosses know the confusion they cause and likely have experienced the terror in the pit of your stomach. But, surprise, you were most likely charmed in the beginning. Bill and Megan do a deep dive into the antisocial personality type, exploring:

their fear-based need to dominate and manipulate others
why they present with charm at first but are willing to hurt others for personal gain
why they disregard the rules and laws of society, lack remorse, and have a reckless disregard for risk and danger
how to spot them
statistics on Antisocial Personality Disorder and Antisocial HCPs in the U.S

Understanding and dealing with Antisocial HCPs come in layers, and understanding the why they behave that way is the first step.

If you’ve been the Target of Blame for an Antisocial HCP, you know the terror and helplessness they exact and the toll they take. Because they’re highly manipulative and charming, it’s easy to get conned by them. Instead, learning what to watch for is imperative. And if it’s too late and you’re already involved with one, it’s a good idea to get help from an expert. The first step is to understand their behavior patterns, starting now.

Send us your stories!

We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the ‘Submit a Question’ button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.

Please rate, review and share this show!

Links & Other Notes

Books:

BIFF at Work

5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books and some in audio format.

Training:

For attorneys: Dealing with Sociopaths: The Con Artists of Divorce
For attorneys: Personality Disordered Parents & Alienated Children

Articles:

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

You can also find these show notes on our website as well.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:44) - The Anti-Social Personality
(03:44) - What Is the Anti-Social Personality?
(07:49) - Why Do They Rise to the Top?
(10:14) - Anti-Socials in Divorce
(15:13) - How They Fool You – An Example
(24:51) - Lying
(29:26) - Back to Megan's Example
(31:32) - Why Do They End Up This Way?
(34:12) - Backing Out of a Situation Wtih an Anti-Social
(36:46) - When They're in Your Life
(38:12) - Avoiding When Dating
(39:33) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Histrionic People

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Narcissistic High Conflict People Nov 18, 2021

When an HCP is a Narcissist...

Do you know someone whose moods swing wildly? Do they act unreasonably suspicious or antagonistic? Do they blame others for their own problems? When a high conflict person (HCP) has one of five common personality disorders – borderline, narcissistic, paranoid, antisocial, or histrionic – they can lash out in risky extremes of emotion and aggression. And once an HCP decides to target you, they’re hard to shake.

Most everyone has been around a narcissist, but not everyone understands how to handle a narcissistic HCP. Bill and Megan do a deep dive into this personality type, exploring:

Their fear-based need to be superior and makes others feel inferior
The differences between vulnerable, narcissistic and malignant types
Why they see themselves as a hero and protector while those around them experience them as bullies
How to spot them
Statistics on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissistic HCPs in the U.S

Understanding and dealing with Narcissistic HCPs come in layers, and understanding the why they behave that way is the first step.

If you’ve been the Target of Blame for a narcissistic HCP, you know the devastating impact it can have. It’s easy to get emotionally hooked by their aggressive behaviors and respond with aggression or avoidance, which emboldens them. Instead, learning the necessary skills –that don’t always feel natural – is the ticket to managing interactions with them. The first step is to understand their behavior patterns, starting now.

Send us your stories!

We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the ‘Submit a Question’ button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.

Please rate, review and share this show!

Links & Other Notes

Books:

BIFF at Work
5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities
It’s All Your Fault: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict People
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books and some in audio format.

Training:

Articles:

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

You can also find these show notes on our website as well.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:40) - Last Time...
(03:05) - HCP Refresher
(06:01) - The Narcissistic HCP
(08:33) - Statistics
(09:49) - Dealing With an Narcissistic HCP
(10:52) - Sexual Abuse
(11:16) - Genetic Component?
(13:42) - Empathy Factor
(15:53) - How They See Themselves
(18:40) - Types of Narcissists
(24:51) - Lack of Self-Awareness
(27:02) - Treatment
(29:55) - Dealing With a Narcissistic HCP in Your Life
(33:22) - Getting Support
(34:35) - Gender Breakdown
(36:13) - Don't Tell Them They're an HCP
(36:59) - Narcissists vs. Narcissistic HCPs
(37:45) - Are HCPs bad people?
(39:55) - Raising Healthy Kids
(43:01) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Antisocial HCPs

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life Nov 11, 2021

When an HCP also has a personality disorder...

Personality disorder or not, people with a high conflict personality (HCPs) have a pattern of high-conflict behavior that increases conflict rather than reducing or resolving it. This pattern usually happens over and over again in many different situations with many different people. The issue that seems in conflict at the time is not what is increasing the conflict. The “issue” is the high-conflict personality and how the person approaches problem-solving. With HCPs, the pattern of behavior often includes a lot of these four characteristics:

Blaming others
All-or-nothing thinking
Unmanaged emotions
Extreme behaviors

HCPs also seem to have personality disorders or some traits of these disorders. This means that they have long-term patterns of:

Interpersonal dysfunction
Lack of reflection on their own behavior
Lack of change

Mental health professionals have identified ten personality disorders. Five of these have a tendency to become HCPs: those with narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, paranoid, or histrionic personality disorders or traits. This helps us understand why they stay stuck in conflict – namely because of two reasons: they don’t reflect on their part of the problem, and they don’t change. So, the conflict continues or gets worse.

Perhaps you know someone with this pattern. Someone who insists that you – or someone you know – is entirely to blame for a large or small (or non-existent) problem. If so, he or she may be an HCP and you likely have felt targeted by them and unsure what to do.

In this episode, Bill and Megan give an overview of the five types and why the ways we interact with them don’t work, and why you can’t get them to reflect on themselves.

Send us your stories!

We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the ‘Submit a Question’ button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.

Please rate, review and share this show!

Links & Other Notes

Books:

5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities
It’s All Your Fault: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict People
It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books and some in audio format.

Training:

Articles:

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

You can also find these show notes on our website as well.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:37) - HCPs In Your Life
(03:42) - Four Key Characteristics
(06:22) - All or Nothing Thinking
(08:43) - Personalities
(10:06) - Unmanaged Emotions
(11:50) - Giving It Time
(13:16) - They Don't Stop Themselves
(15:01) - Look for the Pattern
(17:36) - Five Personality Disorder Types
(21:40) - Range of HCP?
(23:29) - They're Everywhere
(26:26) - HCPs in Court Cases
(28:02) - Antisocial
(30:37) - Always Check Yourself
(32:52) - Where These Types Pop Up
(35:33) - When These Overlap
(38:03) - Bipolar
(41:37) - Wrapping Up
(42:47) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: The Narcissistic HCP

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

HCPs in the Workplace & Using BIFF at Work Nov 04, 2021

We’re looking at HCPs in the workplace and how to use BIFF at work.

A narcissistic boss. Have you had one? It’s pretty common, so you’re lucky if you haven’t experienced the dread of waking every morning knowing you must face your boss for the next eight hours. Condescending comments and zingers. Out-of-control narcissistic rage from a narcissistic injury. Storming off to HR, their manager, the CEO — anywhere they go to let out their frustrations — which are many. It seems there’s always a dilemma, which obviously is a major time suck. What’s behind this? And what can be done to manage it? Is termination the only option for a high conflict employee? Or do you just remain in misery? Should you quit or should you stay?

Knowing how challenging it can be to handle a narcissistic supervisor, manager, or boss of any kind, Bill and Megan talk about the driving forces behind this high conflict personality type and discuss some specific tips for managing the HCP instead of letting them make you miserable. The good news: it is possible to turn things around using the right skills. Your life gets easier if you use these when dealing with a hostile boss, an undermining co-worker, a disruptive team member or any high conflict situation.

Bill and Megan also discuss their thoughts on media observations about whether Steve Jobs from Apple was a high conflict personality, as well as Elizabeth Holmes, who is currently standing trial in federal court for her alleged misdeeds as CEO of Theranos.

If you’re in a situation with a Narcissistic HCP at work, try one of these communication tools: an EAR Statement™ or BIFF Response®.

Empathy • Attention • Respect: an EAR Statement is all you need to remember when communicating verbally with a Narcissistic HCP.
Brief • Informative • Friendly • Firm: use a BIFF Response when communicating in writing. They’re easy to learn, but can be hard to do in the moment, so it will take some practice, especially if you’re emotionally hooked.

We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the ‘Submit a Question’ button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.

Please rate, review and share this show!

Links & Other Notes

Book: BIFF at Work
Book: Calming Upset People with EAR
Book: It’s All Your Fault: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict People
Training: New Ways for Work (a coaching method for dealing with HCPs in the workplace)
Article: Do Narcissists Make Good Leaders in Business?
Article: Fire or Keep High Conflict Employees?
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books and some in audio format.

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:39) - High Conflict Personalities in the Workplace
(03:52) - The Narcissistic Boss
(08:14) - Is There Healthy Narcissism?
(10:28) - Narcissistic CEOs
(11:41) - Emotional HCPs
(17:53) - A Few Examples Within Organizations
(21:07) - Steve Jobs
(23:34) - Using EAR Statements
(26:37) - An Example and 'Sorry'
(29:17) - Using BIFF Responses
(31:20) - An Example Using BIFF
(34:25) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Using BIFF Responses Oct 28, 2021

In today’s episode, we talk about how to tackle hostile communications with BIFF Responses.

What is a hostile communication? It usually contains blame and personal attacks. You read it. Your heart rate doubles. You either want to blast back or instantly delete. Mostly, you never want to hear from that person again. It was far less common pre-electronic communication. Now it’s a matter of daily life, especially on social media or even more so when the communication is coming from someone with a high conflict personality.

The challenge with dealing with HCPs, or people with High Conflict Personalities, is that they wage war wherever they can, including on your screen. The problem is that most people respond right away. Why? Because they think they need to defend themselves. We talk about why people do that; why the HCP sends it in the first place; whether or not you need to respond; and if you do, how to do it differently using a BIFF Response.

Do you need to respond?

Much of hostile e-communication does not need a response. Letters from (ex-) spouses, angry neighbors, irritating co-workers, or attorneys do not usually have legal significance. The letter itself has no power, unless you give it power. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the writer’s anxiety. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece of hostile mail back. In most cases, you are better off not responding.

If you do have to respond, use a BIFF Response.

Some letters and emails develop power when copies are filed in a court or complaint process – or simply get sent to other people. In these cases, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of fact. The best way to handle hostile communications from an HCP is with a BIFF Response. BIFF reminds you to be Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm, assuming you need to respond.

We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the Submit a Question button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.

Please rate, review and share this show!

Links & Other Notes

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
Article on using BIFF Response®
Online course for lawyers on BIFF Response®
Online course for anyone on using BIFF Response®
Info on BIFF Certification
BIFF Books
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:37) - High Conflict in the Written Word
(05:40) - Using BIFF
(08:25) - What's Happening in the Brain?
(12:08) - When to Respond
(14:03) - An Example
(17:09) - Not Taking It Personally
(18:18) - Three As
(24:48) - BIFFing That Example
(30:55) - BIFF in High Conflict Divorce
(35:14) - Being Disciplined to Use BIFF
(36:20) - BIFF Certification
(37:24) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Using BIFF at Work

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Who Are High Conflict People? Oct 21, 2021

In today’s episode, we look at what makes up a high conflict person and talk about EAR Statements.

Blamers. Narcissists. Accusers. Ragers. These are all people who may fall into the category of High Conflict Personality. Most of us don’t act this way, but these people don’t often realize they’re acting this way and can’t control themselves. So should you engage? Or should you learn how to deal with them? If you guessed the latter, you’d be right.

Many people say these people are unpredictable, but Megan and Bill talk about how these people actually are very predictable... if you know what to look for. Several things can lead to people becoming HCPs. It could be genetic or could come from how they were raised. And because of this, HCPs can exist anywhere in the world. So how do you deal with them?

Well, the first step is learning to identify them. They will usually blame anyone but themselves, and they’ll never be able to connect the dots back to themselves. They rarely take responsibility for their own actions. But the feelings are so strongly in them that they can’t have their mind changed. Once you realize you’re dealing with an HCP, definitely don’t tell them they’re an HCP. It’s likely going to trigger them further.

If you’re in a situation with an HCP, try an EAR Statement.

Empathy. Attention Respect. These tools may seem opposite to how you’d normally deal with a person who is confronting you, but remember, you’re not an HCP. The HCP needs this so you can get out of the situation you’re in. It’s hard, but give it a try.

We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the Submit a Question button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.

Please rate, review and share this show!

Links & Other Notes

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
Article – ‘What is a High Conflict Individual’
Article – ‘Calming Upset People Fast with an EAR Statement™’
Online course for attorneys/judges – Understanding & Managing High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
Online course for anyone – Calming Upset People with an EAR Statement
Online Course: Who Are High Conflict People?
Book: 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
Book: Calming Upset People with EAR
All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.

(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
(02:37) - What is a High Conflict Person?
(06:24) - Why and How are HCPs Different?
(09:44) - Why Are They Like This and Why Don't They Change?
(13:39) - Why They Blame
(16:19) - How to Deal With HCPs
(21:12) - Getting Hooked
(25:04) - Breaking Down Megan's Story
(28:40) - Using EAR Statements
(33:09) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: BIFF Response

Learn more about our New Ways for Work for Leaders. Get started today!

Welcome to It’s All Your Fault! Oct 07, 2021

Welcome to It’s All Your Fault, the show about dealing with the High Conflict People in your life. The first episode drops in two weeks so subscribe now so you don’t miss any episode when they release! Episodes drop every Thursday during the season. We’ll be talking about all aspects of dealing with HCPs in your life, and we welcome questions! Please submit questions at our site using the link below. We just may be answering your question in an upcoming episode.

Links & Other Notes