I Shouldn't Have Had Kids - TopPodcast.com

Parenting: How It Started... How It's Going — 53 Dec 01, 2020

The Martini Shot
It's the last episode of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids and we're taking a minute to look back at how things started and how they're going now—with parenting, pandemicing, and podcasting!

How it started and how it's going with kids: From baby blowouts to graduating seniors who remind us how incredible the journey of parenting really is.
How it started and how it's going with the pandemic: From total lockdown to kids at home 24/7 trying to make remote learning palatable in any way shape or form.
How it started and how it's going with podcasting: From pillow talk with each other to our weekly rendezvous with each of you.

It's somehow fitting that we are toasting our last episode AND our one-year podcasting anniversary on the same night! We do it with oodles of affection and gratitude for all of you. You made this happen and are the real fiber of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids. Thank you.
We may be closing the first chapter in the podcast story we're writing, but know this. After a short hiatus—and once the kids are back to in-person school—we'll begin working on Chapter 2 of the Bombcast Studio story. So, don't go too far because we'll be back soon enough, and we want you by our side when it happens. We think you're going to like what we have planned.
Now, about that martini...
Cheers and all the love!
Bonnie and Ellen
Tigger, Lola and Shy Guy
If you miss us, email! We'd love to hear from you. :)
ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com
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Blended Holidays — 52 Nov 24, 2020

Trying to make magic and create memorable holiday traditions—especially for a newly blended family—is a pretty tall order. It takes intention, patience, and a willingness by everyone to embrace the idea that families come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes, it also takes a lot of wine.
This week we'll take you behind the scenes of our first Thanksgiving celebration as a new blended family — complete with exes, in-laws, and a raw turkey. The fun just keeps coming through the holidays and the years, however, with memories that are woven into the fabric of our blended family's story. Exploding pipes, speeding tickets, and a last-minute wedding ceremony on the steps of the county courthouse punctuate our holidays throughout the years. So get comfortable, press "play," and let us tell you the stories of who we are.
PS
In the links below, you'll find a website with the best sweet potato dish you'll ever taste. It's a 1971 Sunset Magazine recipe that has been a part of our Thanksgiving table for years. Go ahead. Try it. Guaranteed to blow your mind.
Links
Shutterbean Blog: Pecan-Topped Sweet Potato Recipe
YouTube: Baby, It's Cold Outside
YouTube: Miracle on 34th Street—Santa in the Parade!
Wikipedia: What's a Martini Shot?

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Temper Tantrums: They're Not Just for Presidents — 51 Nov 15, 2020

This week's episode is inspired by a POTUS unwilling or unable to accept the facts. Indeed, you can probably currently find him prone on the floor of the Oval Office, pounding his feet and fists, screaming, "I won't go! I won't! I won't go, and you can't make me!!"
If you've ever parented a 2- or 3-year-old, you know exactly what's happening. It's a temper tantrum, and they are the bane of every parent's experience. Full-body sweats, tears, pleading, and begging are the hallmark signs of a temper tantrum—and that's just the parental response!
The pre-schooler, however, is awash in unrequited desires: staying up longer, buying a toy at the store or being picked up and carried 24/7. Then there are the crazier things that make kids crack: imagined slights, wanting the impossible, or preventing a sibling from existing in the world as we know it.
This week we jump into the temper tantrum mire and find out how to stop the little demons from hurting themselves or our sanity. As far as Donald J. Trump is concerned, however, we're out of ideas. Maybe a nice, long time out is in order.
Links
The President Show on YouTube: Donny Goes to School (temper tantrum at 4:04!)
Parenting Power Up on YouTube: What To Do When Your Child Throws a Temper Tantrum
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Adulting — 50 Nov 09, 2020

Millennials are so... special. Believe us. We have one. In the Millennial generation, everybody gets a ribbon and everything gets a sticker. They even have a word for growing up. It's called "adulting." In fact, there's a book and about a million articles all about the subject.
There's really nothing new about growing up or adulting, but there is certainly enough to talk about! Especially since we have one "adult-ish" son, another who is in full-fledge adulting mode, and a third boy on the precipice of the whole thing.
What does adulting entail, you ask? Well, if you want to know whether or not your teen is adulting, here are a few questions to ask:

Do you regularly have the oil in your car changed?
Can you neatly wrap a gift?
Do you know how to write a cover letter?
Do you know how to sew a button back on?
Do you make your own doctor's appointments?

That's just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. It is possible that you read that list of questions and admitted to yourself that perhaps — at 35, 45 or 55 — you're not adulting so well yourself. Uh-huh. That's right. It's not EASY growing up, so cut your burgeoning adult some slack.
If you want to take some of the pain out of nudging your teen toward independence, and realize you're not alone in the struggle, this week's episode of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids should help. Well, at least it will make you laugh. That's because our boys have faced or are facing all of the adulting challenges and they've made plenty of mistakes along the way. And believe us, so have we. The silver lining is that it makes for some damn funny stories, and we're bringing them to you on the show this week.
So pour yourself a glass of wine, put in your earbuds, and take a break with us as we podcast for parental sanity—ours and yours.
Links
YouTube: Trailer of the 2019 movie, Judy
Q13 News Website: Story and Video About the Capture of Asian Murder Hornets
UK's Metro News Website: 10 Tips You Need to Learn About Being A Grown-Up from the Adulting Manual
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Imagine That: Kids and their Imaginary Friends — 49 Nov 02, 2020

Imaginary friends and freaky role in the family
Uh, honey? Who are you talking to? Cue Twilight Zone music as your son or daughter turns around slowly, looks at you, cocks their head and asks, "Can't you see him, mommy?"
What does it mean when a child has an imaginary friend? One with whom they spend the bulk of their time. One that plays the role of confident, family member, and trouble maker all at once. "But Mommy, Wiggy doesn't WANT to nap, so I have to stay awake with him.."
Is it a sign of brilliance? Mental instability? Creative genius? Is it freaking you out just a wee bit?
Truth is, you don't have anything to worry about. In fact, some studies have found that nearly 65% of kids have an imaginary friend at one time or another. It looks like the experience is nearly as common as finding a Trump supporter in the state of Idaho. Poor Idaho. Good potatoes, though.
Anyway, back to the invisible. We look at imaginary friends through the filter of Tigger's experience with his own BFF, Wiggy. And until this show, neither of us ever asked Tigger about that invisible friend. His answers blew our collective minds!
Join us for the story, and as an added bonus, Bonnie is bringing a handful of stories about supernatural invisible friends kids have claimed they saw. By the time we're done with you, the hair on the back of your neck will be standing straight up—and that somehow seems totally appropriate for election week 2020!
Show Links
YouTube video: Can I pet that dog?
The Washington Post opinion piere: Kavanaugh has wild ideas about voting
Bored Panda Website: 50 of the Creepiest Things Kids Have Ever Said to Their Parents

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Tales of Terror: Little Ghouls on Halloween Oct 27, 2020

A woman runs down a dark street screaming in terror. She races up the steps to her best friend's house and pounds on the door. As the door creaks opens, the woman pulls out her (hot glue) gun and trains it on her friend.
"Hot toddy. Stat!" she pants. "Oh, and I need to borrow some orange felt. I just ran out."
The joy that many parents get in the planning, buying, cutting, and placating that goes into one night of tricks and treats has always been a head–scratcher to us. Halloween gives our kids two hours of joy, sure, but by the time it's all said and done, we're exhausted and they have cavities. Don't get us wrong. We know that some people literally L-I-V-E for Halloween. We just would not be those people.
We played along for years, however, all in the name of good parenting. And we've got the stories to prove it. We cover it all on this week's Halloween edition of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids, along with a little Halloween trivia and a whole host of characters. They include:

Steve Jobs
King Boo
Giant Dinos
Holly Hobbie
The Blues Brothers
And, a Freudian slip

So, grab a handful of your favorite Halloween candy and let us get you in the mood for Halloween 2020. Let's face it; between the pandemic, the Republicans, and the addition of Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court, 2020 is about to go down as the most terrifying Halloween on record. No costume needed.
Show Links
YouTube Video: Movie Clip from Nightmare Before Christmas
YouTube Video: Dave Niehaus, Voice of the Mariners—Get Out the Rye Bread Grandma!

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Chores and Allowance: Working Hard for the Money Oct 19, 2020

On episode 47: Chores and allowance are on our minds
Is it a bad idea to pay kids to help around the house?
A house they live, eat and sleep in?
A house where their parents work, on their behalf, from sun up to sun down?
This week, we unpack the ins and outs of rewarding kids for what is the simple act of "pitching in." In this episode, more than most, we invite you to learn from our (massive) mistakes! Total case of "Do what we say, not what we do"!
Now, if a son or daughter offers to repave the driveway or till the garden beds, then we can talk cash. Just sayin'...
Links
Mike Horn's Instagram Account: Two Explorers on an Iceberg We'll Call "2020"
Company Website: Greenlight Card—The Debit Card for Kids, Managed by Parents
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All in the (Extended) Family – 46 Oct 12, 2020

On episode 46: Grandparents steal the show!
Oh, baking pies with grandma or building birdhouses with grandpa might sound like a quintessentially grandparental moment, but let's not forget the somewhat more interesting tidbits about the role of these important family members. For instance:

Grandma glued to her police scanner to stay in-the-know about all of those "no-goods" out there. Her investigative bent taught the grandkids good research skills.
Grandpa taking off his hollow, wooden leg to show off the treasures he'd tucked inside. Hey, it beat the mattress—and inspired in his grandkids a healthy distrust of banks!
Grandma staying with her 2-year-old grandson for a week and introducing him to all the different kinds of candy in the bulk section of the grocery store. From her, he learned to question authority. His parents'.

Grandparents are precious. Sure, they're a little crazy-making sometimes, but aren't we all? Whenever you're tempted to lose your patience with granddaddy and maw-maw, grandmom and granddad, nana and gramps, or whatever your kids call your parents, just remember this: They are parents, too. Our guess is that there were probably plenty of times when they slapped a palm to their forehead and muttered to themselves, "I Shouldn't Have Had Kids." So, cut them some slack.
Better yet, pick up the phone and give them a call. Tell them Bonnie and Ellen sent you.
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Mental Health: Winter Is Coming – 45 Oct 03, 2020

This week we tackle the thing on everyone's mind: How can we protect the mental health of our children during the dark months of winter? Yes it's going to be H-A-R-D. But you are absolutely capable of weathering the storm that's brewing.
We've collected sage advice from experts—because god knows that's not us—and are bringing that advice to you this week, couched in our own irreverent look at life with kids. One thing is crystal clear. Flight attendants know what they're talking about. When it feels like the plane is about to fall out of the sky, the first thing we parents have to do is put on our own oxygen masks. Only then can we help our kids cope with the pandemic winter that's ahead.
*Recorded four days before Donald Trump was diagnosed with COVID-19
Links
The Oatmeal: Giant Asian Hornets and a Nice, Tall Glass of "Nope"
Time Magazine: The Coronavirus Seems to Spare Most Kids From Illness, but Its Effect on Their Mental Health Is Deepening
NPR Story: How We Can Mentally Prepare for a Pandemic Winter
Child Mind Institute: How Mindfulness Can Help During COVID-19
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Exercise Your Authority – 44 Sep 29, 2020

Exercise. They need it. We know it. But how to make it happen?
Why does Minecraft win out over biking, Super Smash Bros beat a neighborhood run, or the promise of Among Us lure our kids back early from a summer swim? We know exercise is good for them, but what's the magical spoon full of sugar that will make the medicine go down?
Little kids exercise without thinking – chasing each other, splashing in the shallows all day, or sledding until they can't lift their legs to climb the hill again. Somewhere near middle school, however, it all changes. That's where we come in. Parents, start your engines, because in the words of Madagascar's King Julien, it's time to move it, move it!
Dance party, everybody!!
Links
From Show Biz Cheat Sheet: Dan Levy's next big thing!
YouTube delivers: Regina King's Emmy acceptance and shout out to Notorious RBD
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Teenage Dating: The Rules of Engagement – 43 Sep 21, 2020

One day they're in diapers; the next they're nervously picking up their first date, standing on the doorstep with sweaty palms because they're about to meet the parents. You, meanwhile, are sitting behind the wheel of the car trying not to stare. No, you're not stalking your child. You're actually the chauffeur because someone has to give these 13-year-olds a ride to the movies!
You read that right. Dating at 13. It may be hard to believe but before you know it that sweet child of your loins will disappear into a hormonal pile of yearning and frantic text messaging until the big event itself: The first date. Then there's a second. And, as the third date comes barreling down the tracks, suddenly the soundtrack of your mind is all Marvin Gaye singing "Let's Get It On" over and over and over again. What is happening here? This is not your beautiful life!!
That's when you understand that there MUST BE RULES—all kinds of rules—and you have no clue where to start. That's why you have us. We've already made all the mistakes a parent can make while navigating the dating years. We've got you. Ready to roll?
Links
World Wide Words website: What in the world does "bated breath" mean, anyway?
YouTube: Trailer for Moonrise Kingdom
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Quarantine Quarrels – 42 Sep 14, 2020

Parenting in normal times is hard enough, but then you add in a little pandemic, a three-state inferno, political division the likes we've never seen, deadly policing, and for a little kick how about the start of a new school year with, yet again, distance learning and no one around to supervise. In the words of our current favorite meme:
"At this point, if a clown invited me into the woods I would just go."
Since that's not an option, couples are turning to an age-old response to stress. Fighting. Or, as we call it this week, Quarantine Quarreling.
We're bringing insight, a few coping strategies and, as always, lots of laughs to this week's episode. So go ahead. Put in your ear phones, tune out your spouse (sorry, spouse, sometimes it just has to be done) and join us for 60 minutes of zero arguing!
Links
NPR: Zoom Towns and the New Housing Market for the 2 Americas
New York Times article: How to End Pandemic Fights With Your Partner

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What Do You Meme? – 41 Sep 07, 2020

It all started with Baby Cha-Cha. That creepy little dancing baby was the first modern meme and made its splash on Ally McBeal waaaay back in 1998. Nope. We're not kidding. 1998.
We could never have imagined how that little meme would jump from television to the internet and spawn today's teenage digital language. Let's be honest: teens can have an entire in-person conversation with each other by sharing memes back and forth and never uttering a single word. It's a fricken' mystery.
On this week's episode, we unpack the memes that started it all and the head-scratching inventions our teens are currently chewing on. Oh, and we laugh until we cry. We invite you to join us and try it yourself. It. Feels. Great.
Links
Amazon link to our new favorite game: Catch Phrase
YouTube video: Ally McBeal Dancing Baby
YouTube video: Star Wars Kid
KnowYourMeme: Rick Rolling
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Dating After Divorce – 40 (The Ruby Episode) Aug 31, 2020

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Mommy’s new boyfriend.

Mommy's new boyfr– wait. Whut??!!

It’s our 40th show—the Ruby episode—and we are celebrating with a topic hand-selected by one of our OG PodSquad listeners! How in the world do you introduce your children to a new love interest?

Let’s get real. Dating after divorce is a bit of a minefield. And that’s on a good day. Throw in kids, however, and suddenly the landscape becomes shrouded in an I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-I’m-doing-mist.

When to let your kids meet the person you’re dating is just the first complicated decision you’ll face. Should the new love of your life spend the night? What role should they play in your family life? And when do you tell your ex about the interloper into his or her child’s life? Most people would rather poke their eye out with a fork than call up the ex with THAT news.

We have insight. We have experience. AND we have our first bona fide guest on the show this week! It’s a good one so pop in your ear buds and get ready to listen as we drop a little divorce drama on I Shouldn't Have Had Kids.
Links
Divorce Mag blog: How to introduce your children to your new special friend
Divorce Mag blog: Introducing your kids to a new partner
Portland Press Herald: Ex Etiquette
Website for a little sleuthing: People Check
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Love They [NextDoor] Neighbor – 39 Aug 24, 2020

When the social media platform NextDoor came on the scene, it seemed perfect. It provided a place for people to connect locally, share neighborhood information, and look out for one another. You know, a total love-they-neighbor kind of opportunity.

But that Nirvana was short-lived. The platform has slowly devolved into a bickering, mean-spirited place for people to shout at each other in all caps, compete for the snarkiest comment award, turn any and all conversations into a political rant. It literally begs you to pour a glass of wine and curl up to watch the slugfest—unless of course, Fluffy goes missing. Then it's all hands on deck and everyone agrees that all cat lives matter.

On this episode we share the good, the bad, and the ugly as we deconstruct a NextDoor bickerfest about whether or not there should be sex education in our schools. We would venture to bet that 80% of the people you’re about to hear from are 70 and older, with no kids in the house anymore!
Links
Smithsonian Magazine: The real story of Pocahantas
Social Media Platform: NextDoor
Washington Post Article: The cost of an unwanted pregnancy
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Puppy Love and Puppy Loss – 38 Aug 17, 2020

There is little a parent can do when it comes to teen love. You can't pick your child's crush because that would just be weird. And if you don't like said crush, well, you're out of luck on that one, too. No teen wants to hear a parent's criticism of their heart's true desire.
About the only thing you can do when your teen has their first crush—or the next one or the next one or the one after that—is to be ready for the rare occasion when they ask your advice about how to handle love gone awry. Even when asked, you can rest assured they'll only listen to you about half the time.
But one thing is certain. When love ends in loss, they'll come running to you for support while they lick their wounds and figure out if life is worth living. That's when you grab a decedent dessert, listen with love, and cap it all off with a little Titanic to let your son or daughter know that things could be worse. Much, much worse.
When it comes to puppy love and loss, we've done some things right and some things very, very wrong. The end result is the same, however. We learn from where we've screwed up, celebrate the wins, and share it all with you!

Show Link
Randy Rainbow on YouTube: KAMALA! (sung to the tune of Camelot!)
Greatest Showman song on YouTube: This Is Me with Keala Settle, the bearded lady
YouTube video: Donny Osmond sings Puppy Love
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Back to School? – 37 Aug 09, 2020

Back to school hasn't changed much for decades. The styles have been updated, but the old standbys still mark the start of a new year:

Dixon Ticonderoga #2 pencils
A 3-ring binder
Glue sticks
A lunchbox
2 Masks
A case of hand sanitizer

Wait. Whut?
This year's back-to-school shopping list looks a lot different for anyone going to school in person—and so does school itself.
Whether your kids are online or in-person at the start of school, back to school 2020 is going to look like no other. Join us as we remember the glory days and then scratch our heads over just what in the world is going to happen this year—to kids, their parents, and the teachers. Buckle up everyone, this is going to be some kind of ride.
Oh, and one other thing: Do they still use horses to make Elmer's Glue?
Show Links

YouTube video: Childersburg principal Can't Touch This parody
Etsy shop: Pee-Chee sweatshirt
HypeBeast article: Pee-Chee art fundraiser for Black Lives Matter
The Holderness Family YouTube: Baby Got Class

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Lessons from the Crib – 36 Aug 03, 2020

You are a parenting ninja. You know it. Your friends know it. And, someday, your children will know it, too.
So you're feeling a little cocky one day, throwing down wisdom you feel sure will shape your little darling into an amazing human being, when all of a sudden, BAM!!
The tables turn. You become the student, and the 9-year-old standing in front of you, the receptacle into which you pour your knowledge and experience much as Yoda does with Master Luke, has become the teacher. Unexpectedly, you've just been handed a lesson from the crib.
This week, we talk about the fact that we learn as much from our kids as they learn from us. It's a symbiotic relationship—think Nemo and the sea anemone. They help each other. They grow because of each other. We do the same with our kids.
And when it comes to the symbiosis between parent and child, I think we both know who plays the clown fish. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.
Show Links

CNBC Story: Dr. Faucci's baseball cards bringing in a cool $10K
YouTube Proof! Boston Whalers are unsinkable
Entertainment Weekly celebrates 15 Emmy nominations for Schitt's Creek

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Soiling the Nest – 35 Jul 27, 2020

You spend nine months nesting, making your everything just right so that your beautiful newborn will know, from the very beginning, that home will always be the safe place.
Then, 18 years later, that little chick you've been loving and coddling and providing for graduates and you burst with pride. Next stop: Leaving home. And then it happens. Your beautiful child morphs into a surly, argumentative and disrespectful pain in the ass. We call it soiling the nest.
If you're not familiar with the term "soiling the nest", you've probably never graduated a high school senior preparing to start college, never had kids, or are one of the lucky few whose son or daughter is a mature, well-adjusted teen. It's what kids do to make saying goodbye to their childhood home and life as they know it a little less painful, a little less scary.
This year, teens across America are continuing the age-old tradition of being difficult (and sometimes downright obnoxious) in preparation for the transition. Parents are doing their part by becoming ever-more controlling and clingy. This parent-child dance that often happens when a fledgling is about to fly the coop makes it easier for everyone to let go.
Everything is different in 2020, however, as families come to accept that there may not be a move-in day, a tearful good-bye at the curb, or mom's ugly crying over the baby book once she gets home. It's pandemic parenting in our new reality. Your freshman is home for the foreseeable future.
Now where the hell is the wine?

Game On – 34 Jul 20, 2020

With so many kids stuck at home, every parent under the sun is looking for ways to keep them entertained. Hold our beer.
We're talking games this week–from Minecraft to Ms. Pacman, Racing Demons to Poker–and everything in between. What keeps your kids entertained? Which games did you love growing up? And which games have you hiding in the basement so you don't have to play?
If ever there was a time to stock the game closet, it's right now; because in the words of the House of Stark, "Winter is coming." Who are we kidding? It's already here.
Links

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Play Ball! – 33 Jul 13, 2020

It starts out so innocently.
Your baby boy or girl joins a team of 5-year-olds running onto the soccer field and chasing down a ball for the sheer joy of it. Before you know it, however, you are shelling out bank for private lessons, equipment, fees, and an airline ticket to some ball field in Arizona, hoping that a big athletic scholarship is in your superstar's future.
What in god's name has happened to kids' sports?!
We share all the mistakes we've made encouraging our kids to chase the proverbial gold ring in every sports arena known to mankind—soccer and baseball fields, basketball courts, and swimming pools are just the tip of the iceberg. And we answer the question, once and for all, of how our 6' 8" son could make it through high school and not be a baller. Hint: It all started with a bad coach.
Links

YouTube Hilarity: Every High School Sports Parent
Kent Murphy on YouTube (LANGUAGE): Bunting with Kent Murphy

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Don't Take No for an Answer – 32 Jul 06, 2020

Kids hear "no" from the time they can reach out and rip an earring out of mommy's ear until the night they ask an adult to buy them alcohol for the senior prom. Who knew it was all training for the biggest "no" of them all?
"No, honey, you can't have a social life during a pandemic." Ouch.
It's time to be firm. Telling your kids "no" teaches them boundaries, respect, responsibility, and—these days—how to be a good citizen and help protect the lives of people they will never meet. Nobody ever said parenting was easy.
If you're a bit of a pushover in the "no" department, it's time for an intervention from the irreverent hosts of your favorite comedy parenting podcast. We have stories. We have life hacks. And, as always, we have wine.
Links

An Associated Press story: Masks Don’t Decrease Oxygen Levels
ABC News: Woman has a fit in a Trader Joe’s When Asked to Mask Up
YouTube Video: Dallas Shopper Melts Down When Asked to Mask Up

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Crappy Kids' Shows – 31 Jun 29, 2020

Riddle me this Batman: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
The world has produced incredible kids' cartoons and live action shows over the years: Mr. Rogers, Avatar, Sesame Street, She-Ra, and the like. They are shows that inform, entertain, educate, break the mold, and make us think differently about the world.
Caillou is not one of them.
That whiny little turd and his 30-minute animated show top our list of crappy kids' shows this week in a salute to the good, the bad, and the ones that tried but really missed the mark in children's programming. We're looking at you, Barney.
If you need a laugh, you're in the right place. As long as you don't come looking for parenting expertise, we got you!
Links
New York Times article: History of Pride
YouTube video: Mr. Rogers meets a boy in a wheelchair
YouTube video: Mr Rogers is inducted into the TV Hall of Fame

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I Know You Are, but What am I? – 30 Jun 23, 2020

How can it be that children around the world—especially siblings—argue about the same things, over and over and over again? Do these fight starters sound familiar?
"I call shot-gun!"
"Heyyyyy. You ate the last cookie!"
"You're looking at me. Why are you looking at me?!"
"That's my sweater. Did you take my sweater from my closet? Mom!!!!"
"Give me the remote. It's my turn to pick."
"Mom!! She won't come out of the bathroom. She's been in there FOREVER!"
"Stop breathing my air!"
When your kids get into it, and hiding in the closet with a glass of wine doesn't work, we suggest you simply look your darling son or daughter in the eye and say, "I know you are, but what am I?"
Of course, you can always do the adult thing and act like a parent. This week, Bonnie and Ellen share their tricks for resolving arguments in the name of peace—both at home and in the world.
Links:
NPR Story: LGBTQ Supreme Court Ruling
A Black Father’s Letter to his Son at Amazon: Between the World and Me
Book about Mass Incarceration at Amazon: The New Jim Crow
Children’s Book on Amazon: Love Makes a Family
CNN Business Story: Band-Aid’s Multi-Color Product
Article on VeryWellMind: How to Practice Active Listening
The Gottman Institute: Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
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Pet Peeves – 29 Jun 14, 2020

"I promise I'll feed it and walk it and scoop poop—whatever you want me to do. Puh-leeeeeze, mom!?!"
So begins the everyday saga of parents folding when a child begs for a pet. You know the rest of the story, don't you? That's right. The only people doing the feeding, walking and scooping are the parents.
Pet peeves. It's a parental right-of-passage, whether said pet is a guinea pig, a snake, a cat, a dog, or—god forbid—a ferret. All species have fallen victim to the overpromising and underperforming of kids who swear up and down they'll be responsible pet owners. If there is anything that will make you mutter, "I shouldn't have had kids," it's getting up at 5 a.m. to the yakking of a sick dog who's left a little surprise just for you and your bare feet.
Links
YouTube: The cast of Schitt's Creek sings Hero
YouTube: Attack of the banty roosters!

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Pomp and Shitty Circumstances – 28 Jun 08, 2020

Ahhhh, high school graduation. Senior skip day. Signing yearbooks. Commencement pranks. Celebrating with family and friends. Parties (the kind with grandma as well as the kind with a keg). Saying goodbye to friends, teachers, mentors and childhood.
Then there's graduation 2020. Damn you, coronavirus!
This week we share funny graduation stories and audacious pranks from the years before quarantine. You can expect bare butts on stage, a grandma flipping off the entire commencement audience, and a shout-out to everyone's favorite graduate, Ben Dover.
Here's to you, Class of 2020. We salute your effort, perseverance, and never-say-die approach to launching during lockdown!
Links
Ta-Nehisi Coates’s book on race will blow your mind: Between the World and Me
Robin DiAngelo's book invites introspection and honesty: White Fragility
Steve Carell is hilarious in Space Force: The Four-Star General's version of Kokomo
Lola invites us all to make a difference in the November Election: Adopt-A-State
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Family Traditions – 27 Jun 01, 2020

Goodnight Moon. Secret handshakes. Saturday morning waffles. Every family has traditions that help define its culture. Ours has been defined, in part, by an annual, multi-family camp-out in the San Juan Islands.
TBH, the kayaking, crabbing, campfires, sing-a-longs and potlucks on an island floating in the Northwest waters of the Pacific Ocean is ridiculously idyllic—as long as the children aren't falling into the fire while roasting marshmallows, the driftwood forts aren't crashing in on the kids who built them, and the parents don't have one too many glasses of scotch.
We promise you'll laugh when you come along for the (ferry) ride with us to Spencer Spit—and be reminded that what's most important in our lives is connecting with the ones we love. If ever there was a time to lean into that idea, it's right now.
Links
YouTube Video from "I Married an Ax Murderer": Mike Meyers' poem "Woman"
SNL YouTube Video: More Cow Bell!
Tigger's Favorite Childhood Book on Amazon: My Father's Dragon
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My Kid's Better Than Your Kid – 26 May 25, 2020

Do you know a parental one upper? You know, the parent whose kid is a little faster, a little smarter, or a little more talented than anyone else's? It's the parent who truly believes that her own child's s**t doesn't stink, even though everyone else in the room is like, "Ew! What's that smell?!"
We call this condition Parentitis, an infection plaguing nearly all first-time parents. Most of us outgrow it, especially when child #2 comes along, but we all know at least one parent who is certain that their child is a progeny: the next Einstein, Megan Rapinoe, or Bill Gates. Left unchecked, parentitis can transform otherwise delightful parents into someone intent on keeping up with the Joneses: touting potty training achievements, pushing too hard on their kids to succeed, and becoming a sideline screamer parent at ball games.
We know parents like that. We don't really like parents like that. Hell, we've been parents like that! And we're ready to dish.
This week's competitive parenting episode was inspired by the 1960s jingle for Ken L Ration dog food, "My dog's better than your dog."
LInks
Czech Republic Face Mask YouTube Video: I Protect You. You Protect Me.

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I'm sorry. You did what? – 25 May 18, 2020

Parenting is hard, sure, but mostly because kids sometimes do the dumbest things!
This week, stories from grown-ass adults who did things when they were young that are at least as questionable as the stunts their own children pull. Give a listen and you'll be entertained with stories about playing "hide-and-seek" with a would-be molester, nearly starting the house on fire telling ghost stories, and pulling pretzels out the nose! It's just the kind of distraction you need from today's god awful headlines!
Take a break from COVID–19, the quarantine blues, and the crazy that your life has become when you put in a pair of headphones and press play on I Shouldn't Have Had Kids. Go ahead. You deserve some "you time" with Bonnie and Ellen and their comedy parenting podcast.
Links
YouTube Video: Who Wears Short Shorts?

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Sneaky Teens – 24 May 11, 2020

Sneaking out of the house is a rite of passage for lots of teens. And they'll tell you that it's as easy as 1-2-3.
Step 1: Slip out of bed and use an extra blanket to create a "body" under the bed covers.
Step 2: Army crawl out your bedroom door, down the hall and out the front door, steering clear of squeaky floorboards.
Step 3: Quietly close the front door behind you. Then, run like hell.
This week, Bonnie and Ellen rummage through their own teen years to detail sneaking out and coming face-to-face with a Russian sailor, a prostitute ring, and the bright glare of a police officer's flashlight.
Links
Quarantined female celebrities throw down on YouTube: SS Bitch Fight Challenge
Meryl Streep, Christine Baranski and Audra McDonald sing Sondheim in their PJs: The Ladies Who Lunch

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I Spell Stress C-O-V-I-D – 23 May 04, 2020

As if raising kids wasn't stressful enough: let's layer on a pandemic while we're at it. Then ask parents to work, teach, cook and discipline all at the same time. Oh, and don't forget the dog. The dog must have a walk.
As the pandemic wears on, parents are beginning to implode like faulty explosives in an abandoned mine field. And you know who has to walk through that minefield? The kids.
What do our children do with the stress they experience during a traumatic worldwide event like this? If you ask the experts, they'll all tell you the same thing: Kids look to the example their parents set and follow suit. Oh, dear god. Our poor boys.
If anyone can find the humor in these dark days, it's the hosts of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids. Irreverent, thoughtful, and funny-as-hell, Bonnie and Ellen get what it's like to parent—even when the shrapnel is falling all around them.
Links
Hilarious Website: McSweeney's Internet Tendency
YouTube: Wes Tank Raps Dr. Seuss
Explore's Animal Live Cams: The Eaglets!
Personality Quiz for Your Kids: 16 Personalities

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Bow Down to Teachers – 22 Apr 27, 2020

This week's episode is an ode to the Mighty Teacher. Most of us didn't really understand just how essential these hard-working men and women were to our kids, our daily routine, and our ever-loving parental sanity until COVID-19 hit.
Without the support of teachers, we parents have been left to home school and drink too much wine. TBH, alcohol really doesn't help solve for n—but it sure takes the sting out of realizing your teen is smarter than you.
On episode 22, hear stories about remarkable teachers, find out why Bonnie's childhood nickname was "Fingers," and listen to the unbelievable story of how one of Ellen's favorite teachers was nearly murdered by her husband. He tried to poison her with cyanide! Ellen's teacher survived, but two others in Washington state weren't so lucky. The kicker is that Ellen's mom helped solve the murder mystery!
We'll keep you laughing through these long, hard shelter-in-home days with irreverent stories about parenting. Word of warning, however. We tend to swear like sailors.
Links
YouTube video: 1980s Keytar Riffs!
New York Times Article: The Attempted Murder of Ellen’s Teacher
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Blended Weddings – 21 Apr 20, 2020

Planning a wedding typically means making a boatload of decisions in rapid-fire succession. When you're a blended family, however, you can add an additional layer of complexity to the situation. Here are the kinds of extra questions we had to deal with when we said our "I do's":

Since it's our second time around, should we have a big, white wedding or go low-key?
Will our guests be freaky that ours is a same-sex wedding?
Should we make vows to the kids as well as each other?
Should our kids even be in the wedding?
Should we invite our exes?
What about gifts? Should we accept gifts the second time around?
What if your [fill in the blank] won't talk to me because she thinks that you never should have divorced your ex?

Pass the antacid because we're talking blended families, same-sex weddings, and COVID-19 wrapped in one big bundle of irreverent humor on this week's episode of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids.
Links
Ellen's spirit animal of the week: Malcolm Gladwell's Revisionist History Podcast
YouTube video that will make you go "Awww":The Vice Principal's Big Surprise
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Food Fight – 20 Apr 13, 2020

Quarantined at home with COVID-19 means every parent is now the host of their own cooking show—and kids are the audience. Talk about a tough crowd.

What do you do when said audience turns their nose up at rice and beans, your signature pandemic dish? Don't they know there are starving kids in India, Africa and downtown L.A.?

Kids were making parents crazy in the perpetual family food fight long before the novel coronavirus turned our lives and the dinner table upside down. Let's face it, though. It's a special slice of hell when we're all stuck together inside and someone just ate the last slice of pizza. Oh, snap.

Join us as we detail power struggles with hungry toddlers, new parents who hand wring over baby's every bite, and finicky middle school eaters in this week's episode of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids. And don't forget to pack a lunch.
Must-see Video
YouTube:Denver the Guilty Dog
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Summer Fever – 19 Apr 06, 2020

Remember when spring meant a million end-of-the-year school events, figuring out who would watch the kids for the summer, and a frantic dash to get their summer activities selected, booked, and organized? We used to complain about the headache of it all but now we'd give our right arms—both of 'em—to be facing the summer schedule gauntlet again.
Instead, the Washington state lockdown continues. This week, Washington's governor announced that public schools will remain closed for the rest of the year (cue Alice Cooper's "School's Out for Summer"). And parents everywhere are muttering to themselves, "I shouldn't have had kids..."
Who knows where we'll be come June, but while we wait and wonder, stay right here with us. We'll keep you company with ridiculous stories of our parenting, eye-rolling antics of older kids adulting, and Shy Guy's search for any kind of normality as he comes of age alongside Covid–19.
All we can say is, what the actual fuck?

Coping with Covid – 18 Mar 30, 2020

They say laughter is the best medicine. Well, we call BS. A vaccine against this damn virus is truly the best medicine. Until it arrives, however, we'll have to make do with a little laughter and a lot of alcohol. And Doritos. There must be Doritos.
This week, a look at how this pandemic has turned the world upside down—especially for parents. If you've never tried working from home with a three-year-old hanging off your chair, count your blessings. Or how about a hungry teenager busting into your home office (AKA your bedroom) while you're in the middle of an important virtual meeting. You silently mouth, "I'm on the phone," but he responds with, "What's for lunch?" at full volume. For the love of god, kid, go open the refrigerator and look! And stay away from my Doritos.
There's never been a better time to podcast for parental sanity. Whatever this thing is that we're doing, let's do it together. It beats the hell out of the alternative. Stay home but stay connected. We'd be lonely without you.
Links
CBS News story: Spring breaker apologizes for “If I get corona, I get corona” comment
A covid-19 pivot: Superfeet offers 3-D printing capacity to help fill medical equipment shortage
YouTube video: Woman interrupted during a BBC interview
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A Covid–19 Quarantine PSA from Lola Mar 27, 2020

Our middle son, who's nickname for the podcast is Lola (if you are scratching your head over that one listen to the show trailer), has a word or two for those of you who think that a backyard neighborhood BBQ is good idea in these days of STAY AT HOME.
If you think that every teen and 20-something is out there partying on the beaches of Florida or smoking pot and drinking a Quarantini in the forest with other one-time college students, Lola will restore your faith in this generation of kids.

Raising Boys vs Raising Girls – 17 Mar 23, 2020

While the world spins out of control, we hunker down in the Bombcast Studio to compare notes on the differences between raising boys and raising girls. And don't you even suggest that there's no difference between the two!
Could we have spent an hour talking about Covid-19, lamenting the demise of the human race, and wondering what in the hell went wrong at the highest levels? Why, yes. We could have, but what's the fun in that? The ONLY way any of us are going to get through this god-awful situation is to love hard, laugh often and stay six feet apart. We can help you with that laughter bit.
A big shout out to the Boymom Squad Facebook Group who absolutely rocked this topic with their stories. Love knowing that we are in good company raising Tigger, Lola and Shy Guy!

Links
One mom shares her 5-year-old's favorite Spotify choice: The Fart Song
Uncle Bonzai's ode to the penis on Spotify: If I Had A Penis
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Sharenting – 16 Mar 16, 2020

Sharenting
Covid-19 has turned the world on its ear! Schools are closed. The world is working remotely. And Lola is home from college until the next school year. WTF? So what do parents do? We jump online to post "home school" schedules, photos of our kids being adorable, and everything in between. In other words, we sharent.
Sharenting is that thing where parents share waaaaaay too much about their kids on social media to the point where their kids—and their friends—roll their eyes in exasperation. Join us this week as we sharent all over the place on I Shouldn't Have Had Kids.
Laughter might not cure the coronavirus, but it's good medicine—and we’ve still got a good supply on the shelf!
Quote of the Week
“You know you’ve failed as a parent when you’re getting lessons in online responsibility from a god damn teenager. These are the same people who would French kiss a taser for TikTok.” ~Lewis Black
Links
Hilarious Girl Scout Parody on YouTube: All About That Badge
New York Times Article about Harvard Closing: An Eviction Notice
Back In Black on the Daily Show: The Rise of "Sharenting"
New York Times Video: Why Kids Are Confronting Their Parents About "Sharenting"
University of Michigan's National Poll on Children's Health: The Likes and Dislikes of Sharenting
The Atlantic Video: Are Parents Exploiting Their Kids on Social Media?

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Quarantined with Kids – 15 Mar 09, 2020

Covid-19 is turning our lives upside down and inside out. There's a weirdo run on toilet paper, schools are taking classrooms online, and many parents here in the Pacific Northwest are quarantined with kids. Sounds hilarious, right?
To be honest, when you are podcasting from the epicenter of the coronavirus outbreak, there's not much you can do besides laugh. And wash your hands. Again. And again. And again.
This week, what to do with the kids when school is closed for whatever reason—a holiday, a snow day, or a pandemic. Pass the hand sanitizer, please.
Links
Hilarious parenting website: Filter Free Parents
Learn how to speak teen: What's a VSCO Girl? And Other Translations From Your Teen's Secret Language
Stand by your man: Badass Dr. Jill Biden
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Nannies and daycare and sitters, oh my! — 14 Mar 02, 2020

For some of us, having our hearts ripped out and eaten by cannibals would be better than leaving our children with relative strangers when we return to work after parental leave. Others, however, do a happy dance all the way to the car, envisioning an entire workday without wiping snot, poop, and other bodily liquids from the wall, their clothes, and various parts of their child's body.
Regardless, when you gotta work, you gotta to work. You know what I'm sayin'?
This week on I Shouldn't Have Had Kids meet the Scottish nanny from hell, the remarkable Molly Poppins who might as well have arrived on our doorstep by umbrella, and a short-lived nanny who actually lost Lola. It's enough to make a parent re-think working!
Links
Podcast: Dolly Parton's America
Arty Party Host and Author: Royce Buckingham
YouTube: Celaine's ASMR channel
Atlantic article: Why Childcare is so Ridiculously Expensive
Economic Policy Institute: Childcare Calculator
Disney's Ursula the Sea Witch with Flotsam and Jetsam: Poor Unfortunate Souls

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Parent Volunteers Deserve A Special Place in Heaven – 13 Feb 23, 2020

Parent volunteers are saints. In fact, we think there's a special place in heaven for every damn person who has ever served as President of the PTSA. And if you ask the most dedicated of these angels the secret to their success, they will all give you the same answer. Alcohol.
All drinking—I mean joking—aside, parent volunteering is what makes the world go around. However, everyone has a limit. When you hit yours, we recommend you make like these two moms and parkour the hell out of that PTSA meeting!
This week on I Shouldn't Have Had Kids, we'll break down the auctions; the selling of chocolate bars, poinsettias, coupon books, hanging baskets, wrapping paper, oranges, and grapefruits; the soccer coaching; the drama support; and a chaperone trip to Disneyland that ends up with the two of us spending the night babysitting a student in an L.A. hospital.
Links
Scary Mommy: The Funny Parents of Twitter Talk the Torture of the PTA
Eat your bugs, baby: Australia's Edible Bug Shop
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Near Misses: When Kids Don't Engage Brain Before Acting – 12 Feb 17, 2020

For the love of god, why don't kids look before they leap? Let's be honest. Parenting is a journey punctuated by heroic endeavors to save our children from themselves. In this week's episode, you'll hear about concussions, car wrecks, and balls with bee stings. Ouch!
If you've ever looked at your kid and wondered, "What in the world were you thinking?!" this week's show will have you feeling like you're part of the new I Shouldn't Have Had Kids club. So let's get together to LOL and SMH at the ridiculous things kids do on the daily.
Links
Get it right! How to say Tikka Masala
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Same-sex Parenting – 11 Feb 09, 2020

If you're straight, you might not know the kinds of hoops that same-sex parents jump through in their effort to raise and protect their kids. Never ones to shy away from the taboo, Bonnie and Ellen tell you all about it in this episode of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids.
It will probably blow your mind.
For instance, what if you had to adopt your own child after his birth?
Or, what would you do if the office lady in your step-son's school told you that you couldn't pick him up without a note from the bio mom?
And what names does a kid use for each of his two moms or his two dads?
Houston, we have a problem.
Get ready to bust a gut as Bonnie and Ellen push past anger and find humor in even the most unfair situations on their journey to fabulous same-sex parenting.
Quote from Zach Wahls' speech to the Iowa legislature in 2011 (see video link below):
“My family really isn't so different from yours after all. Your family doesn't derive its sense of worth from being told by the state, ‘You're married. Congratulations.’ No, the sense of family comes from the commitment we make to each other: to work through the hard times so we can enjoy the good ones. That comes from the love that binds us. That's what makes a family.”
____________________
Links
Zach's YouTube Video: Zach Wahl's address to Iowa legislature
Rosalia Video: Rosalia's performance at the 2020 Grammy Awards
Resource for same-sex cards: Zazzle
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Crime and Punishment – 10 Feb 02, 2020

Let's be honest. All kids make bad choices, break house rules, and openly defy parental boundaries. It's kind of their job. Our job is to let them know that they've stepped in the proverbial pile of dung—and to make sure they feel the sting of their bad behavior.
In this week's episode, we get real—very real—about disciplining kids. Bonnie gets particularly candid and Ellen loses her mind over spanking. Both of us admit, that like all parents, we are nothing but a series of occasional bad choices punctuated by moments of supreme clarity, nailing this thing we call parenting.
Links
New York Times article: Spanking is Ineffectual and Harmful to Children
Healthy Children article: Best Ways to Discipline My Child
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Homework Hell – 9 Jan 27, 2020

It's the Great American Parenting Nightmare. Too much homework. It turns households into battle grounds, kids into sleep-deprived zombies, and parents into puddles of frustration. Are we wrong?
By the time kids get to high school they are juggling after school activities, about 3 hours of homework each night, a demanding social scene (both digital and IRL), and often a part-time job.
You're not crazy. It's hell. For you. For us. And for every parent we know. Oh sure, there's the occasional whiz kid whose mom looks at you in mock surprise when you complain and responds with a smug, "Really? Gosh, Chad doesn't seem to have any problems with the workload."
Pro tip of the day. Tell Chad's mom to take a hike and then press "play" on this week's episode of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids. You are in damn fine company!
Links
Article: 11 Tips for Helping Your Child Manage A Lot of Homework
Infographic: How Does Homework Actually Affect Students?
Best Vegan Recipe Ever (for the girlfriend: Chickpea Pancakes with Kale and Fennel
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Traveling with Kids: Are We There Yet? – 8 Jan 20, 2020

Planes, trains and automobiles. Regardless of how you do it, traveling with kids is always a crap shoot. It's not like they stop arguing, eating, or costing an arm and a leg just because you've left on your grand adventure. In fact, sometimes they do even MORE of all that stuff when you leave home.
This week we drop a few gems of advice about how to survive—and even thrive—when traveling with kids. Be sure to catch the story of Bonnie's airplane bomb scare with an 8-month-old Tigger. Whiskey never looked so good!
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That Takes the Cake – 7 Jan 14, 2020

How do you know when you've gone too far for a child's birthday party? How about when they bring in the snakes.
Some of us evidently operate under the impression that the perfect birthday celebration will lead to the perfect life. Then we hate ourselves in the morning.
File it under "What Was I Thinking?"
Links
A Little Bit Alexis
In case you’re wondering about fire Poi
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College Bound – 6 Jan 07, 2020

Send in the S.W.A.T. team! Preparing, applying, and paying for college has handcuffed our family and is holding us hostage.
On this week's podcast:

A California college tour uncovers collegiate stash
Tigger competes against some of the best voices in the nation
And we wonder how the hell families are supposed to navigate the minefield of college applications

I Shouldn't Have Had Kids is a comedy parenting podcast hosted by Bonnie and Ellen. Each week this same-sex couple makes it clear that kids can—and often do—try the f**k out of a parent's patience.
Links
College Confidential
U.S. News article detailing 20 years of tuition hikes in the U.S.
The Onion infographic illustrating where all your tuition dollars are spent
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Gift-Giving Fails – 5 Dec 30, 2019

Wrapping up 2019 with gift-giving fails
When it comes to gift giving during the holidays and beyond, we have failed just as often as we've succeeded—especially with our kids!
On deck this week, you'll find us:

putting together a trampoline in the wee hours of Christmas morning under the soft glow of our headlamps
ruining the paint ball party we gave to Tigger and Lola when one of us made their teen guest cry
asking the age-old question that plagues every parent's winter: Where in the world is your other glove? You JUST got those!?

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Put your damn phone down! – 4 Dec 21, 2019

Little did we (or you, or any other parent in the world) ever imagine the headache smart phones would create in our lives. Do any of these lines sound familiar to you?
"Please look at me when we're talking."
"You know the rules. No phones at the dinner table."
"Why don't you put that thing away and pay attention?"
"I'm sorry but there is no way you can do homework well and Snapchat all night long."
"We never should have given you that thing."
"Why don't you pick up when I call?"
"Hello? Are you there? Can you please for the love of god answer my texts?"
We actually thought we could avoid all of these troubles by asking our kids to sign an iPhone contract spelling out where and how they could use their smart phone. BWAHAHAHAHA. The joke was on us!
Links:
"Look Up" spoken word video
Op-ed letter to Apple demanding help for parents
Disney before and after smart phones
Screen Strong
Find all episodes wherever you get your podcasts
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Jingle Balls – 3 Dec 16, 2019

We just wanted to share our favorite holiday movie with Tigger, our oldest son. We invited him to join our annual Christmas tradition of watching Love Actually while wrapping gifts. He'd never seen it before and now that he was a teenager, we thought it was time to welcome him into the fold. And what a fold it was.
As the three of us sat in the living room watching the movie, it slowly but surely dawned on my wife and I that we were just about to unintentionally introduce our innocent 13-year-old to pornography.
The scene cut to two stand-ins on a pornographic film set. None of us looked at each other. No one spoke. What happened after that was a lesson in parenting we'll never forget.
And the Mother of the Year award goes to...
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The Sex Talk – 2 Dec 03, 2019

Having the sex talk with kids is fertile ground for comedy—especially for this same-sex couple trying to get it right raising their three boys.
Life Hack segment: What Your Teen Wishes You Knew About Sex Eduction
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Trailer: What's this podcast about? – 1 Dec 01, 2019

Meet the hosts and hear what this comedy parenting podcast is all about. Start laughing before you even start listening to the first episode of I Shouldn't Have Kids!
Bonnie and Ellen are podcasting for parental sanity, and this same-sex couple is afraid of nothing. They and their three boys are a blended family who have already buried a parent, survived cancer, and battled every "ism" known to mankind.
They want you to know that the next time you totally screw it up as a parent, you are in good company!
Follow us on social media!
Instagram @ishouldnthavehadkids
Facebook ishouldnthavehadkids
Twitter @SHHKids
Or, email us :)
ishouldnthavehadkids@gmail.com
Find all episodes of I Shouldn't Have Had Kids wherever you get your podcasts
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