Hello Hayes

Hayes Gives Herself Advice (on Grief, Ambition, and Other Stuff) Oct 29, 2024

(Watch on YouTube.) This week on Hello Hayes, I'm answering an advice letter....from myself. After experiencing what I call a "grief explosion" last week, I needed to give myself some advice. Thanks for being here while I talk it out with you. Crying is OK. Grieving is OK. Trying new things is OK. Planning to protect yourself...is OK!!! Please let me know what you thought of this episode. If it goes well for all of us, I might incorporate more of these "solo" episodes in the future.

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Talking About Sex Oct 22, 2024

Content warning: Letter 2 includes a brief reference to SA, no details. It’s not the focus of the letter, but I do bring up the context of being a survivor. If this makes you uncomfortable, see the timestamps below to skip.

This week on Hello Hayes, Hayes answers three advice submissions about how to balance two people's physical needs in a romantic relationship, advocating for our needs and fantasies in bed, and whether it's okay to talk to your friends about your sex life. (PS: If you have any personal experiences to share about asexuality, polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, and/or open relationships, please tell us in the comments! This is a very nuanced conversation and I realize I'm just scratching a surface in the first letter. Would love to hear from all of you and keep the convo going.)

00:00 Introduction

00:36 Talking about sex

02:44 “What will make us satisfied?”

07:51 What is asexuality?

10:17 Compromise is necessary

13:49 Define intimacy as a couple

18:39 Ethical non-monogamy

26:45 “I want more adventurous $ex"

29:06 Speaking up for what you want

31:16 Unpacking expectations

33:57 Taking the lead & communicating

38:13 Contextualizing being a survivor

40:52 When to bring it up

43:21 “Can I talk to a friend about my relationship?”

44:31 Sharing experiences individually

49:18 Trust in a confidant

51:14 Proceed with caution

The Trevor Project is a great source of information and support for the LGBTQ+ community. Website here: https://www.thetrevorproject.org

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The Cost of Being the Chill Girlfriend Oct 15, 2024

[Watch on YouTube.]

In this episode, Hayes answers three letters from women who feel like they (and their feelings, boundaries, and bodies) are too much. We explore the question: is it selfish...or is it self-worth? Letter one features a man who insists on being besties with his exes. Letter two, from someone whose boyfriend told her he's losing attraction towards her because of her weight gain. (If you're uncomfortable with the topic of weight, feel free to skip to letter 2. Timestamp in the description!) And letter three is from a soon-to-be 21-year old whose boyfriend...doesn't "get" birthdays. Enjoy!

00:00 Introduction

00:25 The question of being “too much”

02:55 Overview of the 3 letters

03:56 Empathy and expectations for letter writers

06:54 Letter 1: “Not so chill girlfriend”

09:06 Having a reaction making you “not chill”

11:12 Unpacking the boyfriend details

17:32 Insecurities vs something to be insecure about

28:56 Letter 2: “Body size and attraction”

29:54 Angry about perceptions of weight

31:36 You are desirable

35:57 Coming back with better tools

37:50 Referencing “Fatphobia Is Not A Sexual Preference by Sonalee Rashatwar”

39:44 Reality of body changes

42:33 Sample script

44:55 Letter 3: “Birthday ‘brat’”

46:51 Being celebrated & celebrating others

49:26 Expectations and flexibility

52:14 Storytime when my birthday was ruined by a man

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An Honest Advice Session with Justine Snacks Oct 08, 2024

In this episode, Hayes is joined by recipe developer, food creator, and soon to be debut cookbook author Justine Doiron, aka Justine Snacks. For the first time on the show, Justine brings her own Hello Hayes letter to discuss with Hayes, focused on some of the pressures she feels around the success and promotion for her cookbook Justine Cooks.We also talk about dealing with imposter syndrome in our careers, what happens when self-worth is too tied up in accomplishment, and whether "authenticity" on the internet is desired or even real anymore. At the end, Justine gives Hayes some tough-love advice she really needed to hear. Enjoy!

Pre-order Justine's cookbook Justine Cooks here (Out 10/27).

Follow Justine on Instagram here.

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Read Aloud with Hayes: Right Person, Wrong Time Oct 01, 2024

Hello! In today's episode, which is an audio exclusive, I'm reading three columns from the Hello Hayes archive...a read aloud, if you will!

These pieces can all be read in their original form on my Substack, hellohayes.substack.com. This is where my writing lives and where you can support Hello Hayes financially, if you're able. Paid subscribers get a priority pass on submissions!

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Navigating Uncomfortable Living Situations Sep 24, 2024

In today’s episode we’re talking about something that has one of the biggest impacts on our mental well-being, whether we’re happy or distressed….and that’s our living situations. Thinking back on my own life, some of the most tumultuous times for me were exacerbated by the fact that I was living in places I didn’t feel comfortable in. Whether it was living in my sorority, or trying to figure out how to live alone for the first time, wanting to move in with Brian. Stressful.

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Hayes and Brob: 10 Lessons From 10 Years Sep 17, 2024

In honor of our anniversary, Brob joins the pod to talk about 10 lessons we've learned over 10 years together. He's a little camera shy but I think he did great :)

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"I Feel Like a Liar. Am I Marrying the Wrong Person?" Sep 10, 2024

(Watch this episode on YouTube.)

Today’s episode is all about the thrilling yet sometimes messy and confusing world of crushes. We’ve got three letters:

"I have a pattern of falling for people who are unavailable. Should I tell my new friend that I have a crush on her, even though she's in a longterm relationship?"
"I told my coworker I had feelings for him. I think he has feelings for me too but...he has a girlfriend."
"I'm engaged to my boyfriend of 7 years, but I have a relentless crush on someone new. Should I still get married?"

Send your letters to hellohayesadvice@gmail.com.

0:00 What to expect in this video

00:47 This week’s letters

1:22 Letter 1: “Can I be friends with my crush?”

2:50 Response to Letter 1 begins

4:43 How we use B&W thinking to protect ourselves

9:00 Failure is not regression

12:21 Script: “We can’t be friends”

13:02 Letter 2: “I’m in love with my co-worker”

14:45 Response to Letter 2 begins

15:55 What’s spiking my Hayesy senses

18:30 Stop hoping he’s going to change

20:59 Finding the love you deserve

21:31 Letter 3: “I’m not sure I want to marry my fiance”

22:43 Response begins

24:45 Pros of couple therapy

25:41 Hayes’s thoughts on “forever”

27:25 “Relationships are hard”

28:00 What your crush means

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"Should I Go To The Event By Myself?" Sep 03, 2024

What do you do when you're invited to an event with a plus one...but you have no one to bring? Is it better to go alone or to bring a friend? On this week’s episode of the Hello Hayes podcast we’re chatting going to events solo, finding confidence in yourself, and doing the hard thing because you can. I also share the story of how I embarrassed myself in front of my work hero a couple of weeks ago...and how I'm reframing it so I don't obsess about this any further!

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"I Don't Like My Best Friend's Boyfriend" Aug 27, 2024

Watch on YouTube. (9am EST)

0:00 - Introduction

1:04 - Overview of the 3 letters

1:46 - Letter 1: Estranged from family

3:50 - Response to letter 1 begins

5:02 - Why certain phrases trigger us

7:12 - What I’ve noticed making an internet advice column

9:37 - Ideas for the future

12:03 - Why it doesn’t feel sustainable to bite your tongue

16:05 - Being honest about your reaction

17:33 - Letter 2: Don’t like best friend’s boyfriend

19:02 - Response to letter 2 begins

20:30 - The lost dream of being “couple friends”

22:56 - When your friend gets cheated on

24:31 - Reflection questions when you don’t like your friend’s bf/gf

28:24 - Do this for your friend

29:28 - Letter 3: Your BFF is always in and out of relationships

30:30 - Response to letter 3 begins

31:00 - Having self-awareness

31:51 - Inserting ourselves into other people’s problems

32:30 - Breaking our own patterns

33:43 - Having a tough conversation

35:26 - Getting clear on YOUR terms

39:00 - Exclusive question for Hayeselnuts

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"Will I Always Be Slut Shamed?" Aug 20, 2024

Watch on YouTube.

1:11 - Letter 1: “My friends are slut shaming me”

4:42 - Don’t call it a “hoe phase”

8:47 - Apologizing when you didn’t do anything wrong

10:37 - Should a man be ready to marry you after 1 year?

15:16- The 4 questions to ask before confronting someone

17:00 - Letter 2: “My sister makes me feel bad about my body”

19:00 - Sibling dynamics

20:32 - Pick your battles

22:24 - The pros/cons of sarcasm

23:30 - An earnest conversation (add HALEY CONVO HERE)

26:30 - If they never stops bullying you

28:25 - Letter 3: “My friend thinks I’m more privileged than I am”

30:00 - Confronting our pleasure

32:30 - Intersectionality matters

33:40 - You still have a right to your pain

34:43 - Knowing your audience

36:30 - The friend’s comments

37:41 - The question you should always remember

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When Instagram Creates Jealousy in Your Friendships Aug 13, 2024

Watch this episode on YouTube.

What do you do when your best friend's live in a different city than you and are always posting about how close they are? What about if most of your bridesmaids don't post pictures from your wedding, even though you posted pictures from theirs? How do you talk to a friend (who is also an influencer) who's always posting stuff on social media when you're together? In this week's episode of Hello Hayes, we're talking about social media, jealousy, and friendship.

Send your letters to hellohayesadvice@gmail.com mwah

0:00 - Overview of the three letters

2:33 - Letter 1: My BFFs always post each other

3:30 - How feeling lonely impacts our life

5:26 - Feelings are different than reality

6:56 - What IS the reality in this situation?

13:33 - How do we stop feeling left out?

15:33 - How to handle this moving forward

17:13 - Should you tell them how you feel?

20:30 - Letter 2: Bridesmaids didn’t post about my wedding

23:42 - The case for practicing restraint

25:50 - Is a wedding an achievement?

27:48 - Feeling inadequate

28:00 - A reframe to help

29:55 - Speaking your truth

32:00 - Letter 3: OG bestie is an influencer

34:10 - Am I (Hayes) an influencer?

35:00 - Showing empathy for your friend

37:23 - Reflection question to ask yourself

38:00 - How to talk to her in the moment

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Friendship Breakups and Coworker Crushes with Haley Jakobson Aug 06, 2024

On today's episode I'm joined by writer and fellow internet advice giver, Haley Jakobson. When I teased this episode on insta stories a couple of weeks ago, saying “the guest wrote a book on friendship breakups,” dozens of you guessed it would be Haley, and alas, you were right!!! Haley is the author of OLD ENOUGH, a novel that explores, yes, friendship breakups, but also queerness and bisexuality and being a survivor and growing up and away from who we in the Hello Hayes universe call an OG bestie. As I shared with Haley in our 1hr+ conversation, her depiction of friendship explosions were so vivid and familiar that I felt physically uncomfortable while reading. The novel can be heavy but in the safe and skilled hands of a writer like Haley, I felt held the entire time. OLD ENOUGH has the full weight of a Hello Hayes book recommendation!

Our conversation covers what we’ve learned about ourselves as writers, why friendship break-ups are so painful, a Hello Hayes (and Haley) question about having a crush on a coworker while you’re in a relationship, and so much more. I cry at one point, obviously.

0:00 - Who is Haley Jakobson?

4:20 - Selling her first book

8:00 - Stepping in front of the lens

10:30 - Writing about pain

13:23 - Our love of book "Acknowledgments" sections

14:00 - Earnestness is underrated

15:30 - A hate comment that I still think about

19:00 - Friendship break-ups

19:30 - Vow of celibacy from best friendship

25:18 - What does the patriarchy have to do with it?

32:00 - Why Hayes admires Haley & unexpected tears

35:42 - On not being an "Emily Henry" type of writer

37:00 - The duality of Haley & the creation process

41:45 - The worst question aspiring writers ask

43:00 - What Hayes has learned about herself as a writer

45:30 - "Creative foreplay"

45:00 - Spontaneous vs responsive desire

49:23 - Writing sex scenes

53:00 - Hello Hayes letter

1:05:44 - The story behind the title OLD ENOUGH

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Navigating the Complexities of Travel and Friendship Jul 30, 2024

Travel and friendship can be complicated, especially when it comes to group dynamics and exclusion. In this week's Hello Hayes, we're talking about how to navigate the complexities of travel and friendship.

0:00 - Introduction

4:28 - Overview of the 3 letters

5:48 - Letter 1: “My OG besties went on a trip without me”

8:21 - My personal experience getting “excluded”

10:30 - Why it hurts to fall out of touch with

12:10 - How to handle the situation

15:00 - Should you ask: Why wasn’t I invited?

15:58 - What to say instead

16:40 - Feeling like everyone’s talking about you

18:14 - Letter 2: “How do we tell someone why they were excluded?”

19:25 - The problem with exclusion

20:03 - Tough love

22:52 - The responsibility of being in a friend group

23:50 - What to do in the future

26:10 - Why this isn’t about “boundaries”

27:44 - Why I chose this letter

28: 27 - Letter 3: “My friend won’t stop texting her boyfriend on vacation”

30:00 - Why I don’t watch TV with friends

31:25 - From WTF to compassion

36:25 - Script 1

39:00 - Communication tip: “Keep it consistent”

39:50 - Script 2

43:45 - On being “jealous”

45:45 - Hayes’s phone etiquette rules

You can find me on Instagram here.

Watch episodes of Hello Hayes here.

👋 SUBMIT AN ADVICE LETTER 👋

Send your letters to Hayes at hellohayesadvice at gmail dot com. Pro tip: Use "YouTube subscriber" in the subject line, plus a few words that describe your story. Like this: "YouTube subscriber + Why do I feel so sad around the holidays?"

✍️ LIKE TO READ? ✍️

10,000+ Hayeselnuts and curious thinkers read my newsletter on Substack, where I publish my most personal writing and advice columns. All content is free, but paid subscriptions are available to those who are able to support my work financially! You get bonus audio episodes and a "cut the line" pass to my advice column. 5/month or 50/year! Subscribe.

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Do I Have to Invite My Fiance's Sister Wedding Dress Shopping? Jul 23, 2024

[Watch on YouTube]

I'm back to reading three letters today! Yay! This week's episode is wedding-themed, but I promise the details in each letter are relevant even if you're not engaged yourself.

👋 SAY HI 👋

You can find me on Instagram here (behind the scenes, personal storytelling).

On YouTube here (longform and mini video advice columns).

On Substack here (my writing and exclusive announcements).

👋 SUBMIT AN ADVICE LETTER 👋

Send your letters to Hayes at hellohayesadvice at gmail dot com

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Should I Move Across the Country for Him? Jul 16, 2024

I'm not a fan of reading my published writing months/years after it's been published, but I'm making an exception today. In this week's episode, I'm reading the first ever Hello Hayes column I ever wrote. Thanks for being here with me.

Subscribe to my Substack here!

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My Plane Anxiety (Storytime) Jul 02, 2024

Live from the east coast! This week I'm telling you about a lesson I learned on my recent flight from LAX to Boston (thx for teaching it, Brob). While this experience didn't cure my turbulence-related anxiety completely, it's getting me a little closer...and is also helping me reframe some other challenges in life. xx Hayes

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Should I Confront My Work Bestie? Jun 25, 2024

Today's episode covers work friendships, the pitfalls of perfectionism, the merits of over-communication, what I wish I knew when I started working, how to have awkward conversations with work besties, and probably more. Who knows where this brain will go!

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"Can My Relationship Survive Social Media?" Jun 18, 2024

[Watch video on YouTube.]

"My girlfriend and I have different relationships with our appearances, and social media is a part of that. We’re both girls in our early 20s and this is my first serious relationship. She loves to get dressed up and take photos and videos of herself to post, whereas I don’t really post selfies at all. What a silly thing to worry about, right? And yet, I find that I continue to struggle with it."

Welcome to Hello Hayes, an advice podcast where we don't claim to have all the answers, but we do try to find them. Together. In today's episode, we're talking about how to handle social media in relationships -- specifically when one person likes to post selfies and the other doesn't.

You can find me on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/afhayes

Follow along for more episodes of Hello Hayes: https://www.youtube.com/@alexandrahayesrobinson?sub_confirmation=1

👋 SUBMIT AN ADVICE LETTER 👋

Send your letters to Hayes at hellohayesadvice at gmail dot com. Pro tip: Use "YouTube subscriber" in the subject line, plus a few words that describe your story. Like this: "YouTube subscriber + Why do I feel so sad around the holidays?"

✍️ LIKE TO READ? ✍️

10,000+ Hayeselnuts and curious thinkers read my weekly(ish) newsletter on Substack, where I publish my most personal writing and advice columns. All content is free, but paid subscriptions are available to those who are able to support my work financially! You get bonus audio episodes and a "cut the line" pass to my advice column. 5/month or 50/year! Subscribe: https://hellohayes.substack.com/subscribe

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Finding Motivation in Hard Times Jun 11, 2024

Watch this episode on YouTube.

In this episode, Hayes celebrates getting her motivation back and shares the top 10 tips that have helped her this year.

👋 SUBMIT AN ADVICE LETTER 👋

Send your letters to Hayes at hellohayesadvice at gmail dot com. Pro tip: Use "YouTube subscriber" in the subject line, plus a few words that describe your story. Like this: "YouTube subscriber + Why do I feel so sad around the holidays?"

✍️ LIKE TO READ? ✍️

Join the 10,000+ Hayeselnuts and curious thinkers who read my weekly(ish) newsletter on Substack, where I publish my most personal writing and advice columns. All content is free, but paid subscriptions are available to those who can support my work financially! You get bonus audio episodes and a "cut the line" pass to my advice column. 5/month or 50/year!

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"No More Small Talk" (aka, How to Connect With New Friends) Jun 04, 2024

[Watch this episode on YouTube.]

In this week's episode of the HELLO HAYES podcast, I answer an advice letter about how to deepen connections with new friends in a new city.

Send me your letters at hellohayesadvice at gmail dot com.

Listen to Carlye's podcast here: https://open.spotify.com/show/6aarIjhCYglA4gn8e1H2nl

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The Friend Who Feels Excluded May 28, 2024

Why We Cry On Our Birthdays Mar 28, 2024

A Conversation with Shame Feb 13, 2024

In this episode, Hayes writes a letter to IMPENDING 50-YEAR-OLD-VIRGIN, who is in her mid-20s and feels embarrassed...about everything. We talk about shame and how to wrangle it, and model what a truly loving conversation with yourself feels like. Thanks for listening!

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Hayes Gets Advice From Happiness Expert (and Bestie) Stephanie Harrison Jan 30, 2024

This week on the show, for the very first time, Hayes sits down to get advice from her dear friend and author of NEW HAPPY, Stephanie Harrison. We talk about everything from how to support friends during a tough season of their life to Hayes's very personal (and hopefully relatable!) struggle with work.

Pre-order Stephanie's book here.

Follow The New Happy here.

Follow Stephanie here.

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How to Handle Jealousy (and Envy) in Your Relationships Jan 23, 2024

In this week's episode, Hayes dives into a subset of emotions we're usually too ashamed to talk about: jealousy. And envy. Because apparently they're two different things?? Up until last week, Hayes was using the words synonymously...but not anymore. Hayes gets personal in this episode, sharing her contradicting feelings about her 2020 wedding to how her relationship with "beauty" has evolved over time. We have letter writers, too, all in tough situations: First we have Third Wheel, who has concerns about her husband’s flirtatious friendship with a college friend. Then there's Aching Auntie, who isn't ready to have a baby herself...but feels jealous of her pregnant sister-in-law. And at the end we hear from Resentful Roommate. This one has a friend, also a roommate, who’s always been “the pretty one” of the group. Now that friend has what seems like the perfect boyfriend, and, our letter writer just can’t feel happy for her.