Harmony in the Home

Latest Episodes:

090: Toothpaste Words Mar 03, 2021

Show notes

Everybody knows this phrase: “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” We push this idea for children to say in order to not cede emotional control to a bully, but the simple truth is that words DO hurt. When I was an elementary school teacher and counselor, I did an exercise I call “toothpaste words” to demonstrate this principle. The origin escapes me, but I have used it many times. It goes something like this: I had a funny-looking puppet and a paper heart representing the puppet’s emotions. I would have my students come up to the front of the classroom one by one to say mean things about the puppet’s glasses or dress and squeeze a little toothpaste from a tube onto the paper heart. Then, when everyone was finished, I would say, “okay, now we are going to fix those hurtful things by complimenting the puppet and we’ll put the toothpaste back in the tube!” Of course, it was impossible to put all the toothpaste back into the tube. Unkind words or actions leave a lasting mark in real life, too. The primary application is to teach children empathy by helping them understand the ways in which their behavior affects other people. It’s an engaging visual presentation that you can refer to again and again; saying “those are toothpaste words” will elicit a stronger empathetic response than just saying “that’s naughty.” But your children may also call you out for your own toothpaste words and actions. If you are willing to set aside your own ego, you will learn from this experience as much as they do. Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

089: Red Light Green Light Feb 24, 2021

Show notes

Before I dive in, a little thing that’s been on my mind recently. I’ve noticed that when I have a question or am looking for a solution to an issue in my life, it helps to sit in on a coaching session where a coach is assisting another parent with a similar difficulty. I’m thinking about setting up an online space where we can all meet together and learn from each other, and I’ll mention that in this episode. Let me know what you think! Now, on to the main event: I often refer to various levels of emotion using a name borrowed from a children’s game, “red light green light.” “Green light” is status quo, “red light” is the red zone (whether sadness and sulking or anger and rage), and there’s a broad swath of in-between emotions I call “yellow light.” In this episode, I’ll talk about some strategies I employ which have helped my children and students get from “yellow light” back into “green light.” I’ll talk about ways in which my children help ME go from “yellow light” to “green light.” Most importantly, I’ll talk about how we can help our children perceive, understand, and manage their own emotions. Everybody has to start from zero, and if you weren’t taught these things, it’s extra hard for you because you’re trying to learn and teach at the same time. But I know you can do it, because I have done it, and we are much more alike than you think! Modeling and explaining healthy responses to emotional stimuli is important, and even more important is normalizing feeling all kinds of emotions. Emotionally healthy children are not always happy. This aspect of parenting is mission-critical: your children need to know that they are allowed to feel all the feelings, and nothing has gone wrong. And don’t worry. With practice, you’ll get there. I’m getting there too. We’re all in this together! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

088: Breaking Up With a Toxic Friend Feb 17, 2021

Show notes

Last week, I asked you all over social media: what are some traits of a toxic friendship or relationship? I got answers from “feeling drained all the time” to “feeling anxiety” to “thinking about the relationship takes away from family time.” A toxic interpersonal relationship in any form is a massive drain on body and spirit, and it’s often necessary to set boundaries for your own sanity. This episode is about breaking up with a very specific toxic friend that almost all of us have. This friend is constantly by our side, demanding that we give them our attention. Our friend bothers us when we should be working, spending time with our family, or even sleeping! This friend is a massive vortex draining us of productivity, and we need to set some boundaries. So I’ll be teaching you how to break up with (some of you may have already guessed) your cell phone! I felt like I had my cell phone usage habits under control - and then 2020 happened, and everything went to pieces! So I have a goal to crack down on this particular toxic friendship, and I’m inviting you to join me as together, we employ several strategies (which I’ll talk about in this episode) in order to relegate the phone to its proper position as a tool to be used, not a master to control us. Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

087: Big Emotions Part 2 – Examples Feb 10, 2021

Show notes

Last week, we discussed what happens when our kids have big emotions. This week, we’ll talk about some examples from my life (that I share with my children’s permission) about how David and I helped our children work through strongly emotional moments. As you develop grace and compassion for your child, you will be easier on yourself, and vice-versa. When your child feels a big emotion with a cause that seems inconsequential or petty to you, remember that they have to experience the whole range of human emotion for the first time, and sometimes feelings are overwhelming. Remember that this emotion is proportionate to their age and stage in development. Above all, remember that IT’S NOT PERSONAL, and your child is merely having a hard time, not giving you a hard time. Become a mentor, not a martyr. This week, I’ll also share some strategies to practice during calm times that can help your child regain emotional control during a meltdown. Having big emotions, whether at age 2 or age 42, is hard. But we can do hard things. I am rooting for you! :) Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

086: Managing Big Emotions Feb 03, 2021

Show notes

How do we help our children manage big emotions? I recently helped Grady with homework. This boy is multiplying triple-digit numbers by triple digit numbers. I marveled at his skill with multiplication. It didn't come naturally to him; he had to learn by trial and error, and nobody got mad at him when he didn't know how to multiply big numbers. Now, here's the parallel. Our children experience the exact same ENORMOUS gamut of human emotions we experience, and they don't have any strategies for dealing with their emotion. Imagine experiencing huge emotions, but not having the strategies you've developed in nearly 30 years of life! It would be BRUTAL. As parents, we have the opportunity and the duty to exercise grace and compassion as we teach our children how to manage big emotions. Now, that's not to say we want to remove emotion! If you've read the book or seen either film of The Stepford Wives, you know about the perfect housewives of Stepford. We do not want that in our children. We want them to have emotions — ALL emotions — but we want them to be able to process their emotions in a healthy way. So hit play and let's dive in! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

085: Complimenting Yourself Jan 27, 2021

Show notes

This episode is a doozy. I want to start off by letting you know that I know how hard you are on yourself — because I used to be super hard on myself. I always said “I’m not good enough,” first with infertility and then with my struggles raising my kids. That translated into being super hard on them, and pretty hard on David as well. Not so good! I discuss parents being hard on themselves as I do all approaches in parenting, with the sage words of Dr. Phil: “how is that working for you?” Chances are you aren’t happy and neither is your family. If that’s the case, maybe it’s time to try another approach. Now, a lot of you received negative messages from your parents when you were growing up. Remember, those messages were not factually true. The way that your parents thought about themselves was projected onto you. Once you get that, once you break yourself of the cognitive distortion of “I’m not good enough” that warps your view of objective reality, then you can step into emotional adulthood. Then, you can say, “if my parents’ opinion of themselves was projected onto me, that means my opinion of myself today is what I'm going to project onto my kids!” The way that you talk to your kids and your spouse is actually an insight into how you talk to yourself. When you clean up the way you talk to yourself, guess what happens? You clean up the way you talk to your family. I promise that as you dedicate time to listen to your mind, identify the thoughts of fear and lack, and gently remind your inner child that you are good enough, you will see that you have the grace and compassion you need for yourself. And as you love yourself, you will succeed as a spouse and as a parent. Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

084: Complimenting Your Kids Jan 20, 2021

Show notes

Looking back on my teaching experience, one thing that really worked well in the classroom was giving thoughtful compliments to the students. When I complimented my students, I always tried to make it about the character trait that I wanted to see more of from them. I also made a point of helping them recognize that doing good made them feel good on the inside. Tony Robbins says, “energy flows where focus goes.” This is the key to observing and reacting to your children’s behavior. I have what I call the three Bs, which refer to children and the attention they receive from adults (mostly parents, but also teachers and others). If kids receive a message, whether verbal or nonverbal, they will go through a long-term process where they (1) be aware of it, (2) believe it, and (3) become it. Now, if you're focusing on what your kids are doing wrong, which your brain will already do on its own without any mind management (and mind you, my brain goes there all the time!), then you’ll get a cycle of kids becoming aware that you perceive them as “wrong” or “bad,” believing it, and then becoming more “bad”! The implications of this are limitless. We should be laser-focusing on the good things children do and encouraging them to cultivate good traits. What I try to help with you on this podcast is focusing on what they're doing right, versus what they're not doing right. Whatever you focus on, you're going to get more of that. It's true with anything, especially kids. As you focus on the good your children do and compliment them in a consistent manner, you will be able to help them cultivate their inner voice that enjoys being good and doing good. Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

083: Understanding Your Parents’ Journey Jan 13, 2021

Show notes

Why would you want to understand your parents? I often say that you get two phases of participating in the parent-child relationship dynamic: once as the child, and once as the parent. On the first time around, we have a very simple view of the world and we soak up information and experiences, and that informs our experience the second time around. As we become conscious of our behavior as parents, we become conscious of the experiences that formed our parents, and vice versa. Parents have an unfortunate habit of deriving their internal value from the behavior of their children, for example: “I am a good parent if my child is a straight-A student.” This is not a good mindset for many reasons, mainly because deriving internal value from external circumstances is a recipe for feeling like a failure, but also because by playing that game, you are failing to recognize the particular needs and individual spirit and agency of your child! Now, a tangent. It’s worth noting that for many listeners, childhood was a source of pain at the hands of neglectful or abusive parents. First: this was NOT your fault in any way. You did no wrong and you did not deserve what you received, for it was their own feelings of lack and fear and unworthiness projected onto you. Now, knowing this, it is helpful to understand their motivations for your own learning and development. Note that the word is “understand,” NOT condone nor forgive; accountability is a part of growing up. But understanding the “why” behind hurtful and harmful behavior is key in order to become conscious of our own potential for traumatizing our children by reenacting those terrible things that shaped us. The key is leveling with our own ever-present potential for doing both good and bad in order to learn from our parents’ lives and thus avoid making their mistakes. Now that you are in the adult role in the dynamic, the onus is upon you to take the steps that must be taken to grow and heal, and to be good to your child. Remember that parenthood has huge ups and downs. Many days will be B-minus days. But as you come to accept what is and make peace with yourself and the past, you will heal, you will feel like a better parent, and your children will be better because of it. Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

082: Understanding Your Ego Jan 06, 2021

Show notes

Our dog Maggie is incredibly protective! When she detects a strange person (like the Amazon delivery person, for example), she goes on high alert. THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG! This is (sometimes) endearing with pets, but less so when our own brain does this. Let me explain. The ego is part of the inner Self. It’s usually formed at a young age. It carries around a lot of weight. Sometimes our perception of our person-ness, our worthiness, is not great. This distorted version of reality might’ve come from school, peers, or our parents, but in any case, it’s not aligned with objective truth. When we undertake any difficult work - a diet, therapy, anything that involves real change - the brain goes into protective Maggie mode and says SOMETHING IS WRONG! You don’t want to be vulnerable, because you could get hurt, right? And you want to wait for the ego to calm down before you start trying to do hard stuff, right? Wrong and wrong! Listen, here’s a secret. Your ego is never going to go away. It’s part of you, and as a human being you are designed to protect yourself from harm and mitigate risk. The ego actually does do a pretty good job when it’s not sabotaging the things you WANT to do. As always, the key to understanding yourself and finding fulfillment is having grace and compassion for yourself. And when you’re trying to do a hard thing and the ego flares up … do the hard thing anyway. ;) 2021 Oola goal sheet: https://tinyurl.com/GoalsForNextYear2021 Our viral TikTok: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJtB8Qsg/ Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

081: Goal-Setting in 2021 Dec 30, 2020

Show notes

As 2020 draws to a close, I’ve been reflecting on all the wild things that have happened this year! One fun twist to this unprecedented year happened just a couple weeks ago. My editor posted a video to TikTok where he reacts to my description of how unhealed childhood trauma manifests. That video has now been viewed 241 THOUSAND times, and it’s brought new listenership to the podcast! How wild is that?! Over a thousand people have also made side-by-side reactions to this video. The put-a-finger-down reactions of many viewers lead me to believe that the takeaway is, look at all the possible ways in which people are broken. To listeners both old and new: you had the childhood that you needed to grow. - Now first off, I cannot stress enough the reality of bad situations. Neglectful, abusive, and purposefully mean parents and guardians exist. Horrible things happen to people who don’t deserve it. Let’s unpack what I mean when I say your childhood was “the childhood you needed.” Know that you are NOT broken. Know that everything in your past, whether good or bad, has been done. Make peace with that. Loving “what is,” as I say when quoting Byron Katie, begins with acknowledging all the things we cannot change. The universe has dealt you the hand you have, and you are not EVER to blame for other people's hurtful actions. Fortunately, the future is much brighter. As you become conscious of your wounded inner child, the power to move forward is in your hands. Your childhood memories and experiences, no matter how beautiful or terrible they were, are the tools you need AT PRESENT to move forward, heal, grow, and live a conscious life, so that the wrongs of the past are not repeated. Eventually, we must all individually level with the responsibility of attending to our own lives. That means a lot of things: getting professional therapy(!!!), talking to a life coach, or maybe even just going to bed at a consistent hour. That responsibility includes learning from the entirety of our childhood. It also includes setting goals and growing! This year, I invite you to join me in setting goals for the seven Fs of Oola: Fitness, Finance, Family, Field, Faith, Friends, and Fun. I’ve linked you to a goal sheet you can fill out. Reach out to me at coachingkelly@aol.com to get my address, send me your goals for 2021, and I’ll hold onto them for a year and mail them back to you at the end of next December so you can look back and calibrate your vision for the next year! 2021 Oola goal sheet: https://tinyurl.com/GoalsForNextYear2021 Our viral TikTok: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJWQKYQC/ Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

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