Harmony in the Home

Latest Episodes:

140: Kick The Dog Parenting Feb 16, 2022

Show notes

Do you ever wonder, “why do I lose it over tiny things my kids do?” There’s an idiom for this behavior, which is called “kicking the dog.” This expression can be summed up in this way: a person who has stressful circumstances or injustice foisted upon them will, in turn, lash out at people under their care. It can be summed up even more succinctly if we want: hurt people hurt people! Isn’t it ironic, too, that we often yell the most at the people we love the most? In this episode, I will discuss some of the factors that might lead you to lose your cool with your kids. I will touch on the immediate consequences you probably feel, such as guilt and shame. I will talk about some developmental consequences for your children (the short story is: monkey see, monkey do). And most importantly, I will try to help you recognize some of your triggers and give you strategies to avoid “kicking the dog.” I’m not just the president of the “harmony in the home” club; I’m a client as well! I guarantee you that if you take upon yourself the commission to rule your own emotions rather than be ruled by them, you will feel better about yourself and your relationship with the people within your four walls. As you consistently apply principles for managing your emotions, you WILL see results. Remember, you’ve got this! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

139: Champagne Tower Parenting Feb 09, 2022

Show notes

Who should I prioritize when deciding where to devote my love and energy? I can’t remember where I heard this analogy, but it’s good enough to share. Imagine a champagne tower: a pyramid of glasses stacked so that when champagne is poured into a glass, the overflow pours into each row of glasses below it. Just like placing your relationships on metaphorical rings around Saturn (listen to episode 9!), and just like adults are instructed to put on oxygen before children in airplane cabin pressure emergencies, YOU in your role as a caretaker need to be the first recipient of your own love and energy. Self-sacrificing behavior on behalf of your spouse, children, or literally any other person is too easily warped into a martyr complex (listen to episode 61!) to justify that kind of expenditure of energy. In this episode, I will discuss the champagne tower analogy of relationships in more detail. I will touch on the many ways in which you can and should put yourself first. And best of all, I will go over the reason this analogy (like Saturn) is so useful: if you are happy and healthy, and if you talk to yourself in a positive way and treat yourself well, all your other relationships will benefit from that abundance of love and compassion. There is no escaping the law of the harvest: plant the seeds of grace and empathy for yourself in your own heart, and let them grow to reap the benefits. Remember, you’ve got this! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

138: Feeling Good Enough As a Parent Feb 02, 2022

Show notes

How do you know when you’re actually doing a good job as a parent? I was recently at a sporting event with my sister and her husband. David, the kids, and I had seen a professional photographer to get some nice photos done. I got a notification that the pictures were available to view, and right there watching the game, my inner “mean girl” kicked into overdrive. I started picking myself apart, focusing on how bad I thought I looked and ignoring the other three beautiful people in the pictures, and I couldn’t stop! My sister said I might be suffering from some form of body dysmorphia, a mental illness of obsessive focus on perceived flaws in appearance. Well, I’m working on loving myself as I am, but I use this story to draw an analogy. As a parent, you may tend to have “parenting dysmorphia” and dwell on the “weak” aspects of your parenting ability, or the things you hate about yourself. Now, that’s normal to do, BUT it’s not kind to yourself or healthy for your mind. Just like in the Michael Jordan meme: “Stop it! Get some help.” That help begins with you proactively adjusting the way you talk to yourself. In the same way that your kids listen to you and the way you talk to them informs the development of their inner voice, you influence your own inner voice with the way you talk to yourself! You have a tremendous opportunity and responsibility to initiate your own growth and change, starting with wherever you are right now. Your children are the exemplars of unconditional love. They give hugs, make drawings and other small gifts, and show love without reservations. Internalize that. Learn (or re-learn) to be kind to yourself, and you will reap the rewards in the way your behavior changes toward everyone around you. Back in the dark days when I was plagued by “mommy guilt,” I noticed that tiny things that didn’t bother me when my students did them made me livid when my children did them! Be sure to examine your triggers. If something your spouse or kids do sets you off, get curious, not furious. You get the opportunity and responsibility to understand why you feel certain reactions to certain stimuli, and you get to learn how to respond appropriately to triggers. If you can name it, you can tame it. As you meet each day with an abundance of grace and compassion for yourself, you will feel better about your parenting ability, and you will share that grace and compassion with others. Remember: you’ve got this! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

137: Event or Pattern? Jan 26, 2022

Show notes

Have you ever asked yourself, “When should I start addressing problematic behavior I see in myself or others in my home?” I know I have! Here are some thoughts for your consideration. I love to stop and assess: “is this an event, or is this a pattern?” If you miss a day on your workout regimen, or if your child forgets to attend to a responsibility for one day or once in a long while, I PROMISE it is okay to approach this situation using my two best friends, grace and compassion. Meanwhile, if it seems a pattern of problematic behavior is emerging, it may be time to discuss next steps for improving it. The key element here is that often-heard adage on this podcast: get curious, not furious! Don’t guess that your spouse or child (or your own brain) is willfully out to get you by doing things you dislike. Examine the situation and ask questions! In this episode, I’ll be discussing a good handful of topics revolving around this central idea of event vs. pattern. I’ll touch on the power of creating temporary boundaries of space to keep yourself in the green zone. I’ll give examples of using positive reinforcement for good behavior. And I’ll talk about applied grace and compassion as you do nice things for other people within your four walls. You may be fine with picking up laundry left in the bathroom after a shower, or you may not. (I’m not, and I love my reasons for enforcing that boundary.) You may be fine with making lunches for your older kids, or you may not. (I still make lunches for Grady in 5th grade, and I love my reasons for doing so.) Remember that we don’t like to be controlled, nor do other people! Ultimately, the only thing over which you have absolute control is your own behavior. You can’t bend the actions of your spouse, your kids, your mother-in-law, nor anybody else to your will! Take care that you act accordingly. Remember: you’ve got this! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

136: Getting Your Kids to Listen with Love and Logic Jan 19, 2022

Show notes

How do I get my kids to listen?! It’s no secret: getting kids to listen the first time is a huge point of interest for parents. It’s the topic that most often brings people to me. Now, while there is no single good answer, there are a lot of things you can and should try, and I’ll be introducing you to some ideas that I hope will help you on your quest for attentive children! I’ve sourced the title of this week’s episode from Foster Cline and Jim Fay’s book Parenting with Love and Logic, since I’ve found some of their methodology to be useful. As always, I encourage you to read the original material, test and see how you feel about what you’ve learned, and then decide whether you will use it in your own life. In this episode, I’ll talk about the why and how of offering choices to children whenever possible. I’ll discuss “code words” I use with Lily and Grady to help them be attentive when I need them to do something. I’ll talk about win-win ways to reward your kids for overall good behavior while still retaining leverage to encourage them to listen. Perhaps most importantly, I’ll discuss your children’s greatest need: that you put your phone down and dedicate time to getting on their level, playing with them, and listening to them. Listening is a two-way street! As you engage with your children on their terms, and as you set healthy mutual expectations for your relationship, I guarantee you will all be more willing and able to listen to each other and have a happy experience within your four walls. You’ve got this! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

135: Mastering Your Mean Girl Jan 12, 2022

Show notes

Just how do you deal with the incessant, insufferable noise from your inner critic?! Everybody has a “mean girl” or “mean guy” inside of them. It is often a voice of profound negativity — not of deliberately malicious intent, it just constantly reminds you that you’re Not Good Enough. The voice of the inner critic keeps you operating in your comfort zone and out of what it perceives as dangerous circumstances. But the comfort zone is the last place you should be if you are intent on growing and making changes in your life! In this episode, I’m giving a shout-out to Melissa Ambrosini’s book Mastering Your Mean Girl, which details her process of coming to terms with her inner “mean girl,” since it has been a valuable tool for me. I’ll be discussing some of the many ways your inner “mean girl” can exercise a chokehold on your life. I’ll summarize Melissa’s four-step CAST process for identifying and engaging with your inner “mean girl.” (I named mine Edith, and you get to name yours as well!) And I’ll be discussing how you can leverage that “mean girl” power for productive, healthy ends. The best part of learning to deal with your inner “mean girl” or “mean guy” is that as you bring her or him into compliance with the other parts of your inner Self, you will find that you are kinder and more compassionate to other people within your four walls. Isn’t that crazy?! As you love yourself, you will be able to love others better. That’s awesome. You’ve got this! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

134: Getting Them to Listen With Sports Jan 05, 2022

Show notes

I keep getting into funny title territory! This episode is no different. You may think “well, which sport is it, baseball or basketball?” And my answer to you is … either. Let me explain. It may be difficult getting your kids to listen. I know I have LOTS of trouble listening to my kids sometimes, and I’m all grown up. But your children need to have real attentive listening modeled for them every day! It could be sports, music, books, animals, it could be ANYTHING. So here’s an exercise for you. Pretend like you’re on Jeopardy and you need to know all about your child’s interests. Suck up all that information like a sponge. Get to where you could answer “how many yards are in a soccer field?” or “what’s the newest Super Mario Bros. power-up?” if called upon to do so. Here’s the thing. A lot of times we want our kids to study, to clean their room, to take a shower — we want these good things for them, and we want THEM to want these good things as well. But it’s going to take meeting your children on their terms and entering into their world FIRST in order for them to understand. Learning about their favorite sport or pastime is a golden opportunity for you to model good listening AND manifest your interest in what they have to say, because yes, both of these are essential for their development! You can make a game out of active listening. Set goals for capturing personal “Kodak moments” and call them something based on your kid’s interests — two-point shots, goals, touchdowns, levels-up — to make it light and fluffy and remove the “routine” feeling. Grady and I are calling it “reverse golf” and trying to make or beat “par” for passing positivity and kindness to each other every day. As you become present and take a genuine interest in learning about what your child likes, you will connect with them better! It has worked for me, and I promise it will work for you too. Remember: you’ve got this! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

133: Nine Hundred Forty Saturdays Dec 29, 2021

Show notes

You’re probably thinking, what are you talking about with these random titles? Well, this title is not original. Someone told me this idea when the kids were very little, something that I’ve kind of mentioned in passing, but I decided to dedicate an entire episode to it because this helps me so much to stay present and focused and engage with my kids. Basically, from birth to age 18, your child will be under your care for about 940 weeks. If we assume the average lifespan of a human being is 100 years, and round this time spent at home up to 20 years (for ease of math), that’s TWENTY PERCENT. These are the formative years that influence your child’s experience for many years afterward. The days may seem to crawl at a snail’s pace, but the years will fly by. You may be tempted to stretch yourself to meet unrealistic outcomes like “my child has to be happy all the time” or “I have to be happy all the time.” RESIST this temptation and do not dwell on it, because again, it’s a wholly unrealistic outcome. Everybody has their own 50/50 of good and not-so-good. I’ve set countdown timers on my phone for my children’s “coming of age” 940th-Saturday moments in just a few years. Whatever they choose to do with themselves —whether it’s college, technical school, or leaping straight into a profession — my goal is to make the NOW count in their favor by giving them the tools and strategies they need to be mentally and emotionally healthy adults. Now, your mileage may vary with the “940 Saturdays” concept. If this helps you be present, use it; and if it doesn’t help, don’t use it. But in any case, make the choice to savor the good times you experience together — and when things get tough, know that it’s NORMAL, and neither you nor your child are broken. Choose to be present. Choose to drop your unmet expectations and your triggered ego. Choose every day to learn together, grow together, and move on together. It is a joyous way to live. Remember: you’ve got this! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

132: Temper the Tantrums Dec 22, 2021

Show notes

I often get asked, how do I deal with temper tantrums? Probably one of the hardest parts of parenting is working through your child’s temper tantrum. When I was a teacher and counselor, I dealt with a lot of tantrums, but the kids were generally able to keep it in during the day. I wasn’t privy to the post-school, in-car meltdowns, and I either had support, or I WAS the support. But as a parent, I was not prepared for the overwhelming amount of anger, screaming, hitting, and crying accompanying tantrums. Sometimes I felt like the house was going to flood from all the tears! Now, I am very opposed to slapping negative labels on children’s developmental stages. Terrible twos, four-nados, no no no. Thing is, the high emotion in a tantrum is normal. Children are supposed to have human emotions. You, in your 20s, 30s, 40s, etc., have the same big internal emotions, with a key difference being that you have (consciously or not) developed coping strategies to avoid going nuclear. — Well, hopefully you have. If not, it’s time for some internal work. Luckily, you’re in the right place. Tantrums at different ages may look different, but at the root they’re all the same. The tantrum-haver was stressed to begin with, and something pushed them over the edge. It doesn’t matter what age, kids will always have tantrums and so will you. So do I. Again, this is normal. In this episode, I’ll dive into the four main steps of tempering a temper tantrum: DetachLabelNormalizeSupport I’ll define what I mean with these steps, because I know, they sound pretty nebulous. I’ll arm you with strategies that you can deploy to help your child get out of the “red zone” and back to yellow and then green. Now, a caveat: by applying this process, you may feel like you’re giving in to the tantrum, but the goal is to change the behavior, not the emotion. You don’t want strong emotions to go away. Emotionless Stepford children and Stepford people are creepy. Your results will be better if you try out your own additional strategies as you feel inspired to do so. I am not an infallible source of knowledge. Yours is the opportunity to experiment and figure out what works for your kids (and what works for you, if you need to learn some coping strategies). Remember: you’ve got this! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

131: Improving Their Behavior with Kodak Moments Dec 15, 2021

Show notes

First off: no, I’m not announcing a sponsor partnership with Kodak! But I am going to wax a little nostalgic for a second. I promise this is building to a point. Years ago, when we had to use film cameras, we’d take our film roll and get it developed at the store and then we’d be able to look at it and pick the shots we wanted printed. Kodak did a whole marketing campaign about the “Kodak moments,” those incomparable slivers of joy found in the little moments documented on film, it was a whole thing. So what does this have to do with making your children behave?! Well … let me explain! Our kids teach us just as much as we teach them. You will come to realize that your children mirror your own emotions and thoughts and actions back to you; fundamentally, it’s monkey see, monkey do. This means that our assumptions and projections about our children often ultimately come true (so be careful what you think and how you act!). This week comes with a challenge: I want you to “collect” some mental “Kodak moments” of good things that happen with your kids. Be aware of those times when they do the things they’re “supposed” to do. Praise them for the effort they put in rather than the result. As you work on doing this consistently, you will see a change in their behavior, and likely a change in your behavior as well. You’ve got this! Subscribe on Apple! Subscribe on Android! Join my FREE parenting bootcamp! Let’s Connect! Here’s where you can find me: Learn more at https://www.coachingkelly.com. Find me on Instagram! Find me on Facebook!

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