Good Children

Ilana Glazer on Long Island, Weed, Motherhood, & Broad City Dec 18, 2024

Today we're joined by the icon who made this podcast possible: Ilana Glazer. We discuss growing up on Long Island, weed-induced anxiety attacks, motherhood, working with your best friend, and Ilana's latest project; "Human Magic" out December 20th on Hulu & Disney+.

Chicago, Indianapolis, and Madison tour tickets HERE!!

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HOSTS: Joe Hegyes & Andrew Muscarella

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Why Does Santa Punish Us? Dec 11, 2024

Is it ethical to raise children under the threat of Santa Claus? Today we join Buddy the Elf and Santa Claws himself for a discussion on Santa Claus... the good.. the bad.. and the freaks!

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Chicago, Indianapolis, and Madison tour tickets HERE!!

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HOSTS: Joe Hegyes & Andrew Muscarella

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Are Christmas Carolers Okay? Dec 04, 2024

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Today we join Nora and Luther Krank as they prepare for the surprise homecoming of their grown-ass daughter Blair, who ruins their beautiful Virgin Voyages getaway. Then, we discuss, in deep psychological measures, what it takes to be a Christmas Caroler. We round out the episode by processing all twelve days of Christmas.

The Perks of Touching Grass Nov 27, 2024

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🏕️ GIVEAWAY ALERT! 🏕️
This week, we’re taking you along on our getaway to Postcard Cabins in Machimoodus, CT— where we unplug and get back in touch with ourselves 🌲✨ AND, because we loved it so much, we’re giving THREE lucky listeners the chance to win a 2-night stay at a Postcard Cabin of your choosing! Here’s how to enter:

Follow @goodchildrenpod, @andrewmuscarella, AND @joehegyes on Instagram.
Tag your bestie in the comments below (they need to be following all three accounts, too!).

🏕️🍂Winners will be announced on December 4th on Instagram! Don’t miss your chance to cozy up in the cabin of your dreams. 🏕️🍂
Legal stuff: This giveaway is not affiliated with Instagram. Must be 18+ to enter. Open to U.S. residents only. Winners will be contacted directly from this account. No purchase necessary. Terms and conditions apply.

Thanksgiving When You're Gay and Italian and In Your 20s Nov 20, 2024

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Today Joe explains why fish are birds, we discuss Thanksgiving as a concept, and the boys ideate on a new ice cream flavor that will change the trajectory of their lives.

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HOSTS: Joe Hegyes & Andrew Muscarella

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Do Gays Need Gay Friends? Nov 13, 2024

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RECORDED PRE-ELECTION: Today we discuss the technicalities of what it means to be a gay person, from coming to terms to coming out.

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HOSTS: Joe Hegyes & Andrew Muscarella

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Our Friendship Was Over Nov 05, 2024

An early release for some much needed distraction right about now <3 Go out and vote if you haven't yet!

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This week, we have a very serious, very honest, conversation about the state of our friendship.

The Partying Will Catch Up To You Oct 30, 2024

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Today, we’re diving into the wild aftermath of weekend debauchery—why we keep saying “never again” but somehow still show up in the same places every Friday night. We’re talking side effects of partying that nobody tells you about (hint: it’s not just the hangover) and The Hunger Games... again.

Halloween Horror Stories Oct 23, 2024

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This week we listen to horror stories from our beautiful, sexy, gorgeous Patrons and then share a few of our own!

Are All Priests Gay? & Sick Days Oct 16, 2024

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This week the boys sit down to discuss taking a sick day, something they haven't done since May 4th, 2022. Andrew breaks down his will to cheat in religious education, then takes Joe to confession.

Charli and Troye (also, we're going on tour. check the bio. for real.) Oct 09, 2024

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Chicago, Indianapolis, & Madison, you're up first
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For a bonus episode every Friday plus access to 100+ extra episodes, join us on Patreon for $7 a month.

Get ready to SWEAT, this week we’re talking about Charli xcx, Troye Sivan, and other dynamic duos. We also get into our own personal best friends, sharing stories and reflections on relationships outside of each other for once. Plus, Andrew shares some trauma.

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The Halloweentown Reunion Oct 02, 2024

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This week, Agatha Cromwell sits down with her granddaughter Marnie Piper for the first time publicly since 2004 in a shockingly tense, no-holds-barred conversation about the state of their family, the nation, and their future, mere weeks before Agatha is doomed to leave this mortal realm forever. Marnie reveals Agatha was a combative and difficult coworker, Agatha reveals the unbelievable truth about not only Marnie's father but also her grandfather.

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The War on Apple Picking Sep 25, 2024

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We're talking about fall/Gilmore Girls/apple picking for the third consecutive year in a row but this time our opinions fall into a slightly more controversial category. Is apple picking really worth the hype? What exactly does it mean to pick a pumpkin? Is Rory Gilmore apolitical? All this and more.

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Yasmine Sahid Fan Club Sep 18, 2024

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This week we're joined by the iconic Yasmine Sahid for a discussion on Disney Channel and destiny. In what has been described, by us, as the best episode of the podcast, Yasmine recounts auditions as a child, the expectations vs. reality of moving to LA, and her most toxic job.

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Talking About The SATs Again... Sep 11, 2024

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This week we discuss the trials and tribulations of early college years. From standardized testing to public bathrooms, messy roommates, and everything in between.

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Operation Green Acres Sep 04, 2024

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This week we take you on a retrospective of some of our favorite family vacations, including the fateful trip to Orlando where Andrew surprised Joe on his 14th birthday.

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Kelon Campbell Radically Accepts Terri Joe Aug 28, 2024

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This week we are joined by the legendary man behind the greenscreen: Kelon Campbell, face of Terri Joe. We chat about growing up gay, doing scary things, vampires, ghosts, mediums, and Madonna.

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When Jenny Comes Calling Aug 20, 2024

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This week we talk about the diet culture of the 2000s that made us the insecure freaks we are today. From Weight Watchers to Jenny Craig all the way down to South Beach and Atkins. PLUS: another harrowing story from Andrew.

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Ranking Fruit Aug 14, 2024

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Today we just rank some fruit to be honest.

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The Bottom of Brooklyn Aug 07, 2024

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Another episode about bottoming what else is new? This week we cover some sensitive subjects about sensitive areas... PLUS: TikTok Shop, Crumbl Cookies, gooning, coconut oil, girth extenders, African Net Sponges, vegetables in orifices, Andrew's dating life, and proper hygiene.

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Ribs by Lorde Jul 31, 2024

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After discovering a new archive of home videos, Joe comes to the crushing realization that he is quickly hurtling toward the same age his parents were when they started having children. What follows is a chaotic, heavy, and strange conversation about the inescapable reality of getting older, just in time for Joe's birthday.

Call in for advice or with a question at (516)366-0826!

Food Noise Jul 24, 2024

This week is all about our favorite subject: food. We talk foods we love, foods we hate, our last meals, our most recent meals, and, randomly, imposter syndrome in your early 20s.

Call in: (516) 366-0826

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The Riverhead Holiday Inn Jul 17, 2024

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This week let's talk about weed induced psychosis! The boys share their most unhinged weed stories including hallucinations, Snapchat stories, and an ill-fated first date to The Hamptons.

Boman Martinez-Reid is Made For TV Jul 10, 2024

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This week we're joined by TV and social media star, Boman Martinez-Reid AKA Bomanizer, whose new comedy docuseries, "Made For TV" premieres on Crave on Friday, July 12th. Boman takes us on mental tour of Canada, reveals intimate secrets about condiments, makes us jealous of his performing arts high school, and finally solves the Alessia Cara mystery.

Chimes and Punishment Jul 03, 2024

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Take off your shoes and grab the rumplemintz, this week we go back to college to learn more about Andrew’s acapella experience. From an stress-inducing audition process to a devastating hazing ritual, it takes a lot to be famous on campus. Plus, we revisit our fourth grade chorus solo, Andrew’s major choir disaster, and Joe’s deeply troubling history of cover videos.

Kim Chi Can Do It All Jun 26, 2024

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This week we sit down with drag superstar, makeup mogul, and queer icon: Kim Chi. From Cracker Barrel to coming out, we cover the bases.

Sympathy is a knife Jun 19, 2024

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It's Charli baby! Inspired by Charli xcx's Brat, this week we try something new: discussing our insecurities! Hang on tight because we get right down to the nitty gritty pretty quickly, but things turn around when we start discussing Andrew's soap habits. When ur in the mirror do u like what u see?! When ur in the mirror ur just looking at me!? We ask ourselves this and much more!

Bears In The Woods Jun 12, 2024

*LIFE CHANGING EPISODE ALERT* Pack your bags, we're going on a road trip! Join us in the Catskills for a life changing 48 hours in nature. Be cheeky at a waterfall, experience arthritis in a Cracker Barrel, swat green flies on a playground, and talk about the possibility of life after death in the heart of the woods.

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If you have serious inquiries about places we can travel to for our next field trip, email us at goodchildrenpod@gmail.com.

A Dog With The Power To Turn Husbands Gay Jun 05, 2024

This week we take some hard-hitting phone calls from listeners about their LGBTQIA+ experiences. From nonbinary haircuts, surviving in a corporate workplace, Che Diaz, masc for mascs, all the way to a dog that might have the power to turn husbands gay. Plus: Andrew learns about Stonewall and the lip filler is finally addressed!

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The 100th Episode May 29, 2024

The boys celebrate 100 episodes of Good Children by looking back at some standout moments from the past two years of lore, including: Kelly Clarkson, the Italy tip, faking synchronizations, Panera Girls, and more.

Bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/goodchildrenpod

Jake Shane on Taylor Swift, GIRLS & Grindr May 22, 2024

This week we're joined by internet darling and comedic genius, Jake Shane! It's a wild ride full of GIRLS references, Taylor Swift rankings, paying for dating apps on your dad's credit card, coming out stories, and more!

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Bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon!

It's May, Let's Be Therapists Again May 15, 2024

This week, after a 20-minute long intro in which the boys roleplay interviewing for jobs, Joe and Andrew discuss their relationship to touch. Later, Andrew makes a shocking revelation that could change the duo forever.

Bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon!

Blacking Out At House Of Yes May 08, 2024

Get in the sprinter van and get your neon facepaint, we're celebrating birthdays this week. After a quick catchup about Andrew's 28th, a Joechella power hour, and an extensive discussion on Nikki Blonsky, travel back in time to prehistoric 2018 and 2019 as we unpack two of the most chaotic Bushwick nights we've ever had.

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Does It Get Better? ft. Trixie Mattel May 01, 2024

Celebrate our 2-year-anniversary with World Famous Drag Queen: Trixie Mattel! Hang onto your wigs as we unpack Joe and Andrew's long-time yearning to be drag queens, Trixie's views on podcasters, the concept of cacio e pepe, party and play, and more.

For more, join the community on Patreon!

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Thank you to Spotify for having us in their lovely LA studios.

Double F's At Football Camp Apr 24, 2024

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The boys discuss the summer going into 8th grade when they both signed up for football camp at Joe's future Catholic high school. After a day of trying their best to fit in, they uncover a dark secret about North Korea. Also: is it up to Good Children to save the Dippin' Dots Dynasty?

April: Through The Years Apr 17, 2024

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Let's take it back to April: Through The Years. The boys discuss important April pop cultural anniversaries including movies like The Hannah Montana Movie and Ella Enchanted and music like Taylor Swift,

Body Hair, Saunas, & Colonics Apr 10, 2024

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This week join us on a retrospective through the hairy times of puberty and all that comes after it. from pube-plucking to eyebrow threading to back waxing. Plus, take a field trip with us to Alivio Wellness!

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Why Don't I Fit In With The Gays? Apr 03, 2024

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This week, the boys put on their professor hats and answer their own early-20s question: "Why Don't I Fit In With Gays?" Let's get deeply introspective about the plight of the newly-out gay man and all of the trauma, insecurities, and fears that go along with it.

Trying To Die On Purpose In Australia Mar 27, 2024

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Prepare to have your bones chilled as Andrew tells what he believes is a fun and silly story about his study abroad experience in our favorite country: Australia.

How To Love Yourself Even Though You Had Ugly Bangs Mar 20, 2024

This week we let the listeners behind the microphones for a riveting Q&A running the mental and emotional gamut of the human experience. [Video will be returning to Spotify soon-- until then, all episodes are on YouTube!]

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Bagpipes Mar 13, 2024

Subscribe to our Patreon for a new episode every single Friday! (This week we're taking you on an extended trip to the cafeteria)!

Head to FACTORMEALS.com/GOODCHILDREN50 and use code GOODCHILDREN50 to get 50% off pre-prepared chef-crafted and dietician-approved meals delivered right to your door. Let's celebrate the rich cultural history of Ireland. From bagpipes to beer to Academy Award nominated actresses, and a chilling true story of Andrew's lessons in bagpipes this episode covers some of the most necessary facets of St. Patrick's Day. PLUS: learn to make a Shamrock Shake at home with us!

Four Idiot Girls (ft. Two Idiot Girls, Drew & Deison Afualo) Mar 06, 2024

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Embrace the most embarrassing moments of your entire life with special guests and iconic sister duo Drew & Deison Afualo! From falling at your band concert to collapsing in front of kickline to Peeta Mellark drag to getting hit by a car, you are genuinely guaranteed to laugh out loud multiple times in this very special episode!

Thank you so much to Spotify Studios for letting us shoot in your beautiful space!

The Peanut Butter & Jelly Gang Feb 28, 2024

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR PATREON FOR A BONUS EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY! This week the boys bring it back to the basics with a manic conversation on extracurricular activities. Enjoy a trip back to high school and all the trauma that comes along with it: from lacrosse locker rooms to DECA meetings.

The Top 10 Breakfast Cereals Ranked Feb 21, 2024

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This week the boys have their most important discussion yet: ranking (sugary sweet) breakfast cereals. Join them on a journey to the center of the Cheerio with twists at every corner: buffet horror stories, an edible at Anything Goes, and the death of Sea World.

Your Singing Voice Develops At 30 Feb 14, 2024

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR PATREON FOR A BONUS EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY! This week the boys take a trip down memory lane to their very recent respective quarter-life crises. Whether you're selling international travel during a pandemic or editing videos for supermodels, there's always time to turn a new page and start a new chapter. So pull up your salmon pants and dive deep into the Curio Shop of life with us!

100 First Dates Feb 07, 2024

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Gear up for Valentine's Day with the only Valentines you need this year: your favorite podcast duo. This week, the boys discuss the season of love, curbing your dog, Carrabba's Italian Grill, and the deeply isolating experience of a queer childhood. PLUS: A walking tour of Massapequa Park and a chance to join Andrew on the worst Valentine's Day in history!

I Watched A Snake Eat A Cow Jan 31, 2024

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR PATREON FOR A BONUS EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY! Break out your burn books because this week the boys are taking you to Northshore High for a look back on all things Mean Girls (gender neutral). From the classic film that shaped American history to the movie musical that's shaping TikTok discourse to the random kids in high school that permanently shaped how we see ourselves, this episode runs the mean girl gamut.

The Emancipation of Royal Hegyes Jan 24, 2024

Bonus episodes every Friday on Patreon! MYSTERIES! SECRETS! PHOTOSHOP! Sit down with Royal Hegyes for his first on-camera interview in ten years as the boys unpack what it means to truly reinvent themselves. Plus: return to Joe's 17th birthday party and hear directly from party guests as they give alibis and throw blame over who tossed several beer cans over the fence that host August night. ALSO: get answers on who rang our doorbell last Christmas.

You Get To Exhale Now, Totino Jan 10, 2024

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Today's episode is NOT FOR OUR MOMS!!! Let's talk the myths and lore and facts and fiction about gay sex. Everything from douching in public bathrooms to shoving water bottles down our throats at the lunch table in high school.

A Rise From Grace Jan 03, 2024

⁠BONUS EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY ON PATREON!

Who would win The Hunger Games? Who would win a figure skating competition? Who would die in a Shakespearean drama? All these questions and more are addressed in our first truly miscellaneous episode.

Well, It's Over (2023) Dec 27, 2023

BONUS EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY ON PATREON! Well it's over. Let's discuss our favorite parts of the past year, the most popular resolutions, and some of our biggest regrets.

How The Hell Did The Grinch Steal Christmas? Dec 20, 2023

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After an agonizing three weeks of terrifying our beautiful good children with prosthetics and beating any subject relating to Christmas to an absolute pulp, the boys go for one last ride as Cindy Lou Who and Mayor Augustus Maywho. On this episode, they discuss their favorite things from the past year and try relentlessly not to sound like they're doing sponcon. Does Andrew eat a chocolate bar a week? Are Stanley Cups conservative-coded? Is Joe hotter as a Who? (Don't answer that).

A Little Bit of TLC Dec 14, 2023

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The boys try to stay on theme this week by talking about TLC original series, but start with Lifetime original Dance Moms and then just decide to start telling random stories, INCLUDING: Joe almost getting stabbed (again) in 7th grade, Andrew's personal trainer quitting on him (again) in 10th grade, the (not-so) secret romance between Elvis-loving nuns, and more.

The Year Without a Santa Claws Dec 14, 2023

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JUMPSCARE! The boys are back for a very special episode of the podcast featuring YOU! After watching Andrew DIY his costume and a lively discussion about their own Santa Claus journey's let's take a few calls from our listeners on the Nice List this year about the moment their creepy little polar express bell stopped ringing. PLUS: A disastrous Wendy's experience, a special guest appearance by Amanda, and more.

Homo Loan Dec 14, 2023

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The boys set the holiday season off on the right foot by discussing some of their favorite Christmas classics, with a special attention to detail on Home Alone. PLUS: A peak into the archive for a very special iJoe holiday special, a life-changing trip to Wendy's, and more.

Drowning In The Ocean Spray Cranberry Bog Nov 22, 2023

Join us on Patreon for a bonus video/audio episode every Friday! It's that time of year! Join Lorelai Gilmore and Sookie St. James for a retrospective on the controversial holiday of Thanksgiving. Whether you're a fan of the dog show, the Macy's parade, sp*rts, or just here for the food, you'll always have a seat at our table. PLUS: the BFB caller returns with an exciting update!

Potential Friendship Breakup Song Nov 15, 2023

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This week, the boys discuss the complicated and difficult reality of best friend breakups, including the years of their lives when they weren't exactly best friends themselves.

Cocktail Hour Nov 08, 2023

The boys talk catered events and, more importantly, the food at those events. In their investigative journey they ask hardhitting questions like: Who do you think invented the fried Oreo? Why can't Andrew pee at a urinal? Why are funnel cakes so hard to eat? Why are weddings $200,000? Is James Charles OK?

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The Get A Boyfriend Challenge Nov 01, 2023

The boys discuss the perils of modern dating, the terrors of dating in high school, the insanity of Andrew's type, the horrors of Joe breaking up with his high school girlfriend, the deep brokenness inside us all that shouts mercilessly into the void "YOU ARE NOT WORTH OF LOVE!!!!" and more!

Being Pathetic For Attention Oct 25, 2023

Time for even more Halloween antics with a heavy dose of Four Loko. Reflect on the wonders of the Jersey Shore years, Andrew's too-good-to-be-true party story, a hypothetical home invasion, and more!

Andrew's Got A Date With A Vampire Oct 18, 2023

Let's celebrate Halloween with a spooky episode where we reflect on some of our favorite Halloween memories, audition for roles in the next live action Peter Pan, discuss SMEG appliances, dressing up for school, and immerse ourselves in a deeply theatrical game of FMK.

A Leaf Of Faith Oct 11, 2023

Pasta, wine, Lizzie McGuire, podcasts, Roman statues, food tours, cooking classes, your favorite gay podcast duo… and YOU? We’re planning a Good Children Study Abroad trip to Italy next summer and we want YOU there! First step: ⁠⁠⁠fill out this survey link⁠⁠⁠. We’ll circle back with details soon!

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Christian Girl Autumn is officially in full swing and these two gabby queens have a lot to say about the subject. Celebrate the bountiful fruits of the autumnal harvest with hosts Joe Hegyes and Andrew Muscarella as they explore the deeper meaning of the season, how they practice self-care, and challenge one another to take a leaf of faith towards achieving their dreams.

A Leaf Of Faith [video] Oct 11, 2023

Pasta, wine, Lizzie McGuire, podcasts, Roman statues, food tours, cooking classes, your favorite gay podcast duo… and YOU? We’re planning a Good Children Study Abroad trip to Italy next summer and we want YOU there! First step: ⁠⁠⁠⁠fill out this survey link⁠⁠⁠⁠. We’ll circle back with details soon!

⁠⁠⁠⁠Subscribe to our Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for bonus episodes every Friday!
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Christian Girl Autumn is officially in full swing and these two gabby queens have a lot to say about the subject. Celebrate the bountiful fruits of the autumnal harvest with hosts Joe Hegyes and Andrew Muscarella as they explore the deeper meaning of the season, how they practice self-care, and challenge one another to take a leaf of faith towards achieving their dreams.

Serving Bow (A Look Into The Archive) Oct 04, 2023

Pasta, wine, Lizzie McGuire, podcasts, Roman statues, food tours, cooking classes, your favorite gay podcast duo… and YOU? We’re planning a Good Children Study Abroad trip to Italy next summer and we want YOU there! First step: ⁠⁠fill out this survey link⁠⁠. We’ll circle back with details soon!

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We're back to the basics this week with a deep dive into the archive! Watch in horror and glee as Andrew and Joe discover never before seen footage of their 11-year-old selves. But fret not, audio-only listeners (Billy Bob Joe), lay back, and feast as this audio guides you through new and exciting conversations about Littlest Pet Shops, potato salads at backyard barbecues, and the power of friendship!

Serving Bow (A Look Into The Archive) [video] Oct 04, 2023

Pasta, wine, Lizzie McGuire, podcasts, Roman statues, food tours, cooking classes, your favorite gay podcast duo… and YOU? We’re planning a Good Children Study Abroad trip to Italy next summer and we want YOU there! First step: ⁠fill out this survey link⁠. We’ll circle back with details soon!

⁠Subscribe to our Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for bonus episodes every Friday!

Find out about merch, tours, and more ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Don't forget to rate us 5 stars (and write a little review while you're at it)!

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We're back to the basics this week with a deep dive into the archive! Watch in horror and glee as Andrew and Joe discover never before seen footage of their 11-year-old selves. But fret not, audio-only listeners (Billy Bob Joe), lay back, and feast as this audio guides you through new and exciting conversations about Littlest Pet Shops, potato salads at backyard barbecues, and the power of friendship!

Riding in Cars with Twinks Sep 27, 2023

⁠⁠⁠Pasta, wine, Lizzie McGuire, podcasts, Roman statues, food tours, cooking classes, your favorite gay podcast duo… and YOU? We’re planning a Good Children Study Abroad trip to Italy next summer and we want YOU there! First step: ⁠fill out this survey link⁠. We’ll circle back with details soon!

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This week the boys discuss the psychological ramifications of driving a car, including stories about Andrew driving Joe to meet his internet boyfriend in the middle of a pandemic, an incident involving french onion dip we’ll never forget, and a brief history of lines.

Riding in Cars with Twinks [video] Sep 27, 2023

⁠⁠Pasta, wine, Lizzie McGuire, podcasts, Roman statues, food tours, cooking classes, your favorite gay podcast duo… and YOU? We’re planning a Good Children Study Abroad trip to Italy next summer and we want YOU there! First step: fill out this survey link. We’ll circle back with details soon!

Subscribe to our Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for bonus episodes every Friday!
Find out about merch, tours, and more ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.
Don't forget to rate us 5 stars (and write a little review while you're at it)!

This week the boys discuss the psychological ramifications of driving a car, including stories about Andrew driving Joe to meet his internet boyfriend in the middle of a pandemic, an incident involving french onion dip we’ll never forget, and a brief history of lines.

F.A.Q.QOTS (Part II) Sep 20, 2023

Learn all about our extensive work history, dream blunt rotation, toxic ex-friends, icks for each other, how to manage your anxiety, and more in this Patron-submitted Q&A!

F.A.Q.QOTS (Part II) [video] Sep 20, 2023

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Don't forget to rate us 5 stars (and write a little review while you're at it)!

Learn all about our extensive work history, dream blunt rotation, toxic ex-friends, icks for each other, how to manage your anxiety, and more in this Patron-submitted Q&A!

FMK: BJ's, Costco, Sam's Club Sep 13, 2023

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The boys literally talk about wholesale clubs for 48 minutes straight. You're gonna love it.

FMK: BJ's, Costco, Sam's Club [video] Sep 13, 2023

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The boys literally talk about wholesale clubs for 48 minutes straight. You're gonna love it.

Let's Have a Kiki / Turkey Lurkey Time (Slayyyter's Version) ft. Slayyyter [video] Sep 06, 2023

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Special guest Slayyyter joins the boys to talk about middle school trends, the price of fame, how her first time relates to Defying Gravity, the economic strains Webkinz put on families across the united states, and her upcoming album, STARF*CKER out on September 22nd.

Let's Have a Kiki / Turkey Lurkey Time (Slayyyter's Version) ft. Slayyyter Sep 06, 2023

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Don't forget to rate us 5 stars (and write a little review while you're at it)!

Special guest Slayyyter joins the boys to talk about middle school trends, the price of fame, how her first time relates to Defying Gravity, the economic strains Webkinz put on families across the united states, and her upcoming album, STARF*CKER out on September 22nd.

Actually Let's Rename It Bad Children [video] Aug 30, 2023

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Is Staples gay? Is Darren Criss gay? Is the quest to be good a fruitless endeavor that will lead to general emptiness forever? The boys talk first impressions, first days of school, and their relationship to god in this week's totally normal episode of Good Children.

Actually Let's Rename It Bad Children Aug 30, 2023

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Don't forget to rate us 5 stars (and write a little review while you're at it)!

Is Staples gay? Is Darren Criss gay? Is the quest to be good a fruitless endeavor that will lead to general emptiness forever? The boys talk first impressions, first days of school, and their relationship to god in this week's totally normal episode of Good Children.

I Wish Josh Peck Was Gay Aug 23, 2023

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Things get spicy in this season premiere of the world's greatest podcast, Good Children. The boys talk about their most embarrassing encounters, memorable middle school experiences, and answer tough questions from listeners.

I Wish Josh Peck Was Gay [video] Aug 23, 2023

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Things get spicy in this season premiere of the world's greatest podcast, Good Children. The boys talk about their most embarrassing encounters, memorable middle school experiences, and answer tough questions from listeners.

Try Not To Say AnnaSophia Robb Challenge [VIDEO] Aug 16, 2023

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Joe plans his funeral, Andrew talks about getting bitten by a spider in Slovakia. The boys discuss their beliefs on death and the afterlife, childhood experiences with death in pop culture, whether or not they’ll be ghosts, and the high-camp drama of a funeral home.

Try Not To Say AnnaSophia Robb Challenge Aug 16, 2023

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Joe plans his funeral, Andrew talks about getting bitten by a spider in Slovakia. The boys discuss their beliefs on death and the afterlife, childhood experiences with death in pop culture, whether or not they’ll be ghosts, and the high-camp drama of a funeral home.

The Bachelor Party Aug 09, 2023

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Andrew and Joe reflect on their trip to New Orleans for a bachelor party before pivoting to an impromptu q&a.

The Bachelor Party [VIDEO] Aug 09, 2023

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Andrew and Joe reflect on their trip to New Orleans for a bachelor party before pivoting to an impromptu q&a.

Blame It On Cheesecake Factory ft. Tefi Aug 02, 2023

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Try to keep your head on straight as the boys interview special guest Tefi! From childhood experiences, pop culture, the Osbournes, Robin Williams' passing, self-worth, inner child work, and Checkers milkshakes, no stone is left unturned.

Blame It On Cheesecake Factory ft. Tefi [VIDEO] Aug 02, 2023

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Don't forget to rate us 5 stars (and write a little review while you're at it)!

Try to keep your head on straight as the boys interview special guest Tefi! From childhood experiences, pop culture, the Osbournes, Robin Williams' passing, self-worth, inner child work, and Checkers milkshakes, no stone is left unturned.

Who Drank At Joe's 17th Birthday Party? Jul 26, 2023

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The boys investigate a cold case from 2013 in which 12 beer cans were discovered at Joe's 17th birthday party.

Who Drank At Joe's 17th Birthday Party? [VIDEO] Jul 26, 2023

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The boys investigate a cold case from 2013 in which 12 beer cans were discovered at Joe's 17th birthday party.

Food Court [VIDEO] Jul 19, 2023

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Joe and Andrew, discuss a variety of topics all relating to their love of food; from childhood memories of being rewarded with garlic knots at basketball games to a very passionate conversation about the quality of Chipotle’s chips. They discuss their undying love for Taco Bell (despite the controversy), rank fast food burgers, chicken nuggets, and fries, chat about In-N-Out, get brutally honest about Shake Shack, and more.

Food Court Jul 19, 2023

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Find out about merch, tours, and more ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Don't forget to rate us 5 stars (and write a little review while you're at it)!

Joe and Andrew, discuss a variety of topics all relating to their love of food; from childhood memories of being rewarded with garlic knots at basketball games to a very passionate conversation about the quality of Chipotle’s chips. They discuss their undying love for Taco Bell (despite the controversy), rank fast food burgers, chicken nuggets, and fries, chat about In-N-Out, get brutally honest about Shake Shack, and more.

Boys State Jul 12, 2023

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Did you know Andrew accidentally signed himself up for military camp? Joe interviews Andrew about his experiences at Boys State, a summer leadership program for high school students. They talk about the strict and disciplined environment, physical training, and psychological aspects of the program. Andrew reflects on the nationalist agenda of the camp and the impact it had on him. It's insane.

Boys State [VIDEO] Jul 12, 2023

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Don't forget to rate us 5 stars (and write a little review while you're at it)!

Did you know Andrew accidentally signed himself up for military camp? Joe interviews Andrew about his experiences at Boys State, a summer leadership program for high school students. They talk about the strict and disciplined environment, physical training, and psychological aspects of the program. Andrew reflects on the nationalist agenda of the camp and the impact it had on him. It's insane.

Rainy Days And Nights In L.I. Jul 05, 2023

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But it’s rainy!!!!! Andrew thinks he has schizophrenia, Joe thinks he has binocular vision dysfunction, and we all think Cadet Kelly was gay. IT’S A RAINY DAY! Let’s reminisce about childhood memories, being the worst possible camp counselors on earth, playing pretend at Joe’s house, and our love for the queer-coded Disney Channel Original Movies of the early 2000s.

Rainy Days And Nights In L.I. [VIDEO] Jul 05, 2023

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But it’s rainy!!!!! Andrew thinks he has schizophrenia, Joe thinks he has binocular vision dysfunction, and we all think Cadet Kelly was gay. IT’S A RAINY DAY! Let’s reminisce about childhood memories, being the worst possible camp counselors on earth, playing pretend at Joe’s house, and our love for the queer-coded Disney Channel Original Movies of the early 2000s.

Exploring Gender In Pigeon Forge, Tennessee [VIDEO] Jun 28, 2023

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Have you ever been on a road trip that changed your life? In today’s episode of Good Children, we take a trip down memory lane to our 2012 trip to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. From John Green, to the dawn of Instagram, to Machine Gun America, this episode is quintessentially American (and that’s not a good thing)! Not to mention Andrew’s drag debut, pool trauma, the OceanGate submersible sort of, and a retelling of the infamous sh*t plate story.

Exploring Gender In Pigeon Forge, Tennessee Jun 28, 2023

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Have you ever been on a road trip that changed your life? In today’s episode of Good Children, we take a trip down memory lane to our 2012 trip to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. From John Green, to the dawn of Instagram, to Machine Gun America, this episode is quintessentially American (and that’s not a good thing)! Not to mention Andrew’s drag debut, pool trauma, the OceanGate submersible sort of, and a retelling of the infamous sh*t plate story.

Queer Pressure [VIDEO] Jun 21, 2023

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR PATREON: ⁠https://www.patreon.com/goodchildrenpod⁠! Are you tired of feeling like you have to fit in with the cool kids? Well, in this episode of "Good Children," the boys are spilling the tea on all the crazy peer pressure they've faced over the years. From feeling obligated to wear salmon shorts to trying drugs for the first time, they've been through it all. Grab your headphones and get ready to laugh and learn as Andrew & Joe take you on a journey through the wild world of peer pressure. Remember, it's always better to be true to yourself than to try to fit in with the crowd!

Queer Pressure Jun 21, 2023

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR PATREON: ⁠https://www.patreon.com/goodchildrenpod⁠! Are you tired of feeling like you have to fit in with the cool kids? Well, in this episode of "Good Children," the boys are spilling the tea on all the crazy peer pressure they've faced over the years. From feeling obligated to wear salmon shorts to trying drugs for the first time, they've been through it all. Grab your headphones and get ready to laugh and learn as Andrew & Joe take you on a journey through the wild world of peer pressure. Remember, it's always better to be true to yourself than to try to fit in with the crowd!

Escape From Shelter Island [VIDEO] Jun 14, 2023

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR PATREON: ⁠https://www.patreon.com/goodchildrenpod⁠! It's time to tell the story of how we almost broke up. In this very special episode of the Good Children, Joe and Andrew discuss the codependence in their friendship that almost ended in disaster on a trip to Shelter Island. Get ready for a heinous experience at the beach, a backyard party that spun out of control, and a fight so major it made the boys realize just how codependent they truly were.

Escape From Shelter Island Jun 14, 2023

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/goodchildrenpod! It's time to tell the story of how we almost broke up. In this very special episode of the Good Children, Joe and Andrew discuss the codependence in their friendship that almost ended in disaster on a trip to Shelter Island. Get ready for a heinous experience at the beach, a backyard party that spun out of control, and a fight so major it made the boys realize just how codependent they truly were.

Transformation Tuesday [VIDEO] Jun 07, 2023

Welcome to the land of transformations! From bagels to bodies, the boys cover what it means to change for the better (or, at least, for good). We talk Abercrombie's rebrand, the desire to #MCM, and feeling like a perpetual "before" picture.

Transformation Tuesday Jun 07, 2023

Welcome to the land of transformations! From bagels to bodies, the boys cover what it means to change for the better (or, at least, for good). We talk Abercrombie's rebrand, the desire to #MCM, and feeling like a perpetual "before" picture.

Hi Hater May 31, 2023

Today we discuss everything in life we hate! From men who run shirtless to paper straws to being the first person to slice a birthday cake, this episode is a nonstop hatefest of fun.

Hi Hater [VIDEO] May 31, 2023

Today we discuss everything in life we hate! From men who run shirtless to paper straws to being the first person to slice a birthday cake, this episode is a nonstop hatefest of fun.

Last Day of School [VIDEO] May 24, 2023

MITCHIE, WAKE UP! LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! Celebrate the final weeks of school with your favorite boys as they unpack board game days, the trauma of a slip and slide, and have a slightly major breakthrough about the past 22 years of their friendship.

Last Day of School May 24, 2023

MITCHIE, WAKE UP! LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! Celebrate the final weeks of school with your favorite boys as they unpack board game days, the trauma of a slip and slide, and have a slightly major breakthrough about the past 22 years of their friendship.

The Hardest Working Gay Men Alive May 17, 2023

*CORPORATE VOICE* We would love to walk you through our professional resume starting with 2008 for Joe's first job as a counselor in training and Andrew's tenure "employed" by his parents. From summer camp disasters to ice rink days off, we've shared a varied history of working together. This week, we unpack the layers of what it means to mentor 11-year-old boys as a 13-year-old boy, the Brown University Board of Admissions process, the mechanics of a lawn mower, and why every social media manager is gay.

COME TO OUR LIVE SHOW, SUNDAY, JUNE 4TH, AT 7PM IN NYC!

Join the community on Patreon for an exclusive bonus episode every week.

Follow Good Children on Instagram, TikTok, & Twitter.

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The Hardest Working Gay Men Alive [VIDEO] May 17, 2023

*CORPORATE VOICE* We would love to walk you through our professional resume starting with 2008 for Joe's first job as a counselor in training and Andrew's tenure "employed" by his parents. From summer camp disasters to ice rink days off, we've shared a varied history of working together. This week, we unpack the layers of what it means to mentor 11-year-old boys as a 13-year-old boy, the Brown University Board of Admissions process, the mechanics of a lawn mower, and why every social media manager is gay.

⁠COME TO OUR LIVE SHOW⁠, SUNDAY, JUNE 4TH, AT 7PM IN NYC!

Join the community ⁠on Patreon⁠ for an exclusive bonus episode every week.

Follow Good Children on ⁠Instagram⁠, ⁠TikTok⁠, & ⁠Twitter⁠.

Follow Joe on ⁠Instagram⁠ & ⁠TikTok⁠.

Follow Andrew on ⁠Instagram⁠.

Jillian Michaels For Prison May 10, 2023

Oh jeez. Things get serious in this week's conversation about body image. From the shows that taught us to crash diet to the people who told us we weren't good enough, this episode covers a lot of difficult topics we simply don't have the answers to! Joe and Andrew unpack their relationships to their bodies, their privilege, and their minds.

⁠COME TO OUR LIVE SHOW⁠, SUNDAY, JUNE 4TH, AT 7PM IN NYC!

Join the community ⁠on Patreon⁠ for an exclusive bonus episode every week.

Follow Good Children on ⁠Instagram⁠, ⁠TikTok⁠, & ⁠Twitter⁠.

Follow Joe on ⁠Instagram⁠ & ⁠TikTok⁠.

Follow Andrew on ⁠Instagram⁠.

Jillian Michaels For Prison [VIDEO] May 10, 2023

Oh jeez. Things get serious in this week's conversation about body image. From the shows that taught us to crash diet to the people who told us we weren't good enough, this episode covers a lot of difficult topics we simply don't have the answers to! Joe and Andrew unpack their relationships to their bodies, their privilege, and their minds.

⁠COME TO OUR LIVE SHOW⁠, SUNDAY, JUNE 4TH, AT 7PM IN NYC!

Join the community ⁠on Patreon⁠ for an exclusive bonus episode every week.

Follow Good Children on ⁠Instagram⁠, ⁠TikTok⁠, & ⁠Twitter⁠.

Follow Joe on ⁠Instagram⁠ & ⁠TikTok⁠.

Follow Andrew on ⁠Instagram⁠.

Julia Fox's Keys To Confidence (ft. Julia Fox) [VIDEO] May 03, 2023

Happy 1 year of Good Children! How do you find confidence? How do we return to the level of delusion we had when we believed we'd be model scouted in a mall at 12 years old? What's Julia Fox's go-to Subway order? Sit down with the legendary artist, icon, and Italian, Julia Fox as Andrew and Joe explore the psychological damages done by putting themselves out there as children and the emotional rewards received when those risks pay off. We talk Julia's middle school experiences as a goth cat girl, high school in Northern Italy, and the side-effects of fame in this EXTREMELY MAJOR episode.

⁠COME TO OUR LIVE SHOW⁠, SUNDAY, JUNE 4TH, AT 7PM IN NYC!

Join the community ⁠on Patreon⁠ for an exclusive bonus episode every week.

Follow Good Children on ⁠Instagram⁠, ⁠TikTok⁠, & ⁠Twitter⁠.

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Julia Fox's Keys To Confidence (ft. Julia Fox) May 03, 2023

Happy 1 year of Good Children! How do you find confidence? How do we return to the level of delusion we had when we believed we'd be model scouted in a mall at 12 years old? What's Julia Fox's go-to Subway order? Sit down with the legendary artist, icon, and Italian, Julia Fox as Andrew and Joe explore the psychological damages done by putting themselves out there as children and the emotional rewards received when those risks pay off. We talk Julia's middle school experiences as a goth cat girl, high school in Northern Italy, and the side-effects of fame in this EXTREMELY MAJOR episode.

⁠COME TO OUR LIVE SHOW⁠, SUNDAY, JUNE 4TH, AT 7PM IN NYC!

Join the community ⁠on Patreon⁠ for an exclusive bonus episode every week.

Follow Good Children on ⁠Instagram⁠, ⁠TikTok⁠, & ⁠Twitter⁠.

Follow Joe on ⁠Instagram⁠ & ⁠TikTok⁠.

Follow Andrew on ⁠Instagram⁠.

The Farmville Moms Reunion Special Apr 12, 2023

Get ready for an emotional reunion special of FarmVille Moms featuring the beloved Debra Rollatini and Linda Russo! These two best friends turned business moguls captured the hearts of millions with their hit reality show in the early 2010s, but after a decade of silence, they are finally back together to address the long-standing rift in their friendship. Join us as we witness the heartwarming reunion of these two iconic women, and see if they can put their differences aside and rekindle their once-unbreakable friendship.

The Body Dysmorphia of Christ [VIDEO] Apr 05, 2023

Why is Catholicism so depressing? Why is the Easter Bunny 6-feet-tall? Why does Andrew keep getting pinkeye? In today's very special episode, the boys dive into the childhood trauma of egg hunts, child stars, and what they imagine Jesus might be like if he was in the room with them today. Whether you're a repressed former Catholic, a practicing Christian, a pagan witch, Jewish and happy, or experiencing spiritual-psychosis, this episode has something for everyone!

The Body Dysmorphia of Christ Apr 05, 2023

Why is Catholicism so depressing? Why is the Easter Bunny 6-feet-tall? Why does Andrew keep getting pinkeye? In today's very special episode, the boys dive into the childhood trauma of egg hunts, child stars, and what they imagine Jesus might be like if he was in the room with them today. Whether you're a repressed former Catholic, a practicing Christian, a pagan witch, Jewish and happy, or experiencing spiritual-psychosis, this episode has something for everyone!

Sexual Awakenings & Diary Entries ft. Mackenzie Thomas Mar 29, 2023

You know her finger. You know her journal. Do you know the girl? Our FIRST EVER GUEST Mackenzie Thomas takes us on an introspective retrospective of her childhood sexual awakenings... from Mike Wazowski to Bill Hader (and everything in between).

Sexual Awakenings & Diary Entries ft. Mackenzie Thomas Mar 29, 2023

You know her finger. You know her journal. Do you know the girl? Our FIRST EVER GUEST Mackenzie Thomas takes us on an introspective retrospective of her childhood sexual awakenings... from Mike Wazowski to Bill Hader (and everything in between).

Video: The Bushwickification of Boy Bratz Mar 24, 2023

Bratz. Max Steel. ZhuZhu Pets. Scented Shrek Dolls. Today's episode is an interactive experience with some of the toys that raised us. Why do Boy Bratz give Bushwick twink? Why is Max Steel a circuit gay? Why did Joe put the cursed Shrek sunflower in his mouth again? Unpack the trauma of Toy Story, Chucky, and American Girl Doll Horses with us this week.

The Bushwickification of Boy Bratz Mar 22, 2023

Bratz. Max Steel. ZhuZhu Pets. Scented Shrek Dolls. Today's episode is an interactive experience with some of the toys that raised us. Why do Boy Bratz give Bushwick twink? Why is Max Steel a circuit gay? Why did Joe put the cursed Shrek sunflower in his mouth again? Unpack the trauma of Toy Story, Chucky, and American Girl Doll Horses with us this week.

Video: The Dangers of Marijuana Mar 15, 2023

We made it to graduation day! 12th grade brings new hopes, dreams, and fears as Joe and Andrew sort every iconic American chain restaurant on the Kinsey Scale. Why were we made to believe college admissions counselors were stalking our Facebook albums? Why was Andrew dressing like a 60-year-old father of 3? Were we bad children the whole time?

The Dangers of Marijuana Mar 15, 2023

We made it to graduation day! 12th grade brings new hopes, dreams, and fears as Joe and Andrew sort every iconic American chain restaurant on the Kinsey Scale. Why were we made to believe college admissions counselors were stalking our Facebook albums? Why was Andrew dressing like a 60-year-old father of 3? Were we bad children the whole time?

The Definitive Ranking of Lindsay Lohan Movies Mar 08, 2023

Let's find out why Joe's emotionally stunted and never learned to drive and the official definitive ranking of every Lindsay Lohan movie ever in this episode all about 11th grade! (Sorry for the reupload)!

Video: The Definitive Ranking of Lindsay Lohan Movies Mar 08, 2023

Let's find out why Joe's emotionally stunted and never learned to drive and the official definitive ranking of every Lindsay Lohan movie ever in this episode all about 11th grade!

Video: The Long Island Hunger Games Mar 01, 2023

Things take a dark and scary turn in 10th grade for Joe and Andrew. Between fatphobic lacrosse coaches and homophobic theology teachers, the boys learn more about each other than they ever knew possible in this introspective deep dive into some stories you know and love-- and some you'll wish you could forget.

The Long Island Hunger Games Mar 01, 2023

Things take a dark and scary turn in 10th grade for Joe and Andrew. Between fatphobic lacrosse coaches and homophobic theology teachers, the boys learn more about each other than they ever knew possible in this introspective deep dive into some stories you know and love-- and some you'll wish you could forget.

video: the next george santos Feb 22, 2023

Take a deep breath as you walk through the doors it's the morning of your very first day. Today's episode is all about ninth grade!!!! Freshman year is host to so many firsts, embarrassing moments, and learning lessons. For Joe, it was time to become a guido (and join The Order of the Phoenix). For Andrew, it was time to become a jock (and stan Katy Perry). Let's reflect on the wonderful woes of being 14 years old in 2010 and all of the drama, missed connections, and body dysmorphia that comes along with it!

the next george santos Feb 22, 2023

Take a deep breath as you walk through the doors it's the morning of your very first day. Today's episode is all about ninth grade!!!! Freshman year is host to so many firsts, embarrassing moments, and learning lessons. For Joe, it was time to become a guido (and join The Order of the Phoenix). For Andrew, it was time to become a jock (and stan Katy Perry). Let's reflect on the wonderful woes of being 14 years old in 2010 and all of the drama, missed connections, and body dysmorphia that comes along with it!

an (uncut) improvised date Feb 14, 2023

What do you think would happen if we never met? Joe and Andrew explore the very dark and troubling possibility of being total strangers meeting in their mid-20s for a drink on Valentine's Day. Enjoy this departure from Good Children's usual programming in which the boys genuinely do an hour long improv with minimal editing and get progressively drunker.. how decadent!💕

cupid’s chokehold Feb 08, 2023

Let’s celebrate Valentine’s Day the only way we know how: candy, stuffed animals, and a general sense of impending doom for the world. Joe and Andrew dive deep through four categories of their February 14th’s: elementary school, middle school, high school, and college. Learn more about the boys first girlfriends and first rejections, the importance of mailbox valentines in 4th grade and the unseriousness of feeling lonely. We’re all gonna die, so let’s treat ourselves like someone we love!

No Homo Feb 01, 2023

It's 2009: FarmVille, Flash Mobs, Hannah Montana and homophobia were all the rage. We're beginning to say goodbye to our childhood and prepare for high school with the rise of Glee, Gaga, and Picnik. Join Good Children on the journey of self-awareness and self-deprecation as Joe and Andrew dive deeper into the final troubling times of middle school: 8th Grade.

How It Feels To Chew 5 Gum Jan 25, 2023

Let's take it to 2008 for a second and dissect the very alarming reality of growing up (whether you want to or not). Stretch marks, being 12 at Retro Fitness, the 5 gum trade, pulling up your pants, getting scoobed, playing with toys in a godly way, and more.

Sixth Grade Fight Club Jan 18, 2023

It's 2007: Harry Potter is ending, the iPhone is born, and Joe and Andrew take their very first steps into middle school. Today's episode is all about the trials and tribulations of SIXTH GRADE, including, but not limited to: Thursday afternoon fights at Gino's pizzeria, body odor, rainbow rockets, Webkinz, Aeropostale, milk for every meal, the birth of cell phone culture, Miley's pregnancy rumor, giving sixth graders power tools, Axe body spray, and more nauseating experiences from one of the worst years of our lives.

We Need Assemblies For Adults Jan 11, 2023

The boys are back with a special 80-minute season 2 premiere! Let's learn to put ourselves out there together: from using the internet to gain noteriety as a middle scholer to dealing with bullying and humiliation in high school, this episode gets traumatic. The boys talk about body image, their first gay dates, their most embarrassing moments, childhood crushes (Sharkboy), fear of rejection/failure lol, and the full-body experience of an elementary school assembly. Come for the jokes, stay for the 5-step program on how to be your authentic self in situations where it might seem fully impossible!

A Very Good Christmas Special Dec 20, 2022

Surprise! The boys are back for the holidays with a reflective, weirdly sad, totally kooky Christmas special! Unpack Joe's Grinch fetish, desperately try to hear the ringing bell from the polar express, and learn to believe all over again in this special installment.

What Dreams Are Made Of (LIVE SHOW) Dec 06, 2022

The time has come to share the most important night of our lives with you: Good Children: LIVE! Join the crowd at Good Children's first ever live show in this very special season finale! OK so FINE, we talk a lot about Thanksgiving, but the sentiments still stand a few weeks later. Laugh, cry, learn what dreams are made of, and cherish every moment like this. Thank you all for a great season 1, we'll see you next year.

Everyone Had A Trampoline But Me Nov 30, 2022

In their *actual* penultimate episode of Season 1, the Good Children reflect on the trends that made them who they are and the ones they wish they could forget. From Silly Bandz to Pillow Pets to Andrew's very first Webkinz, "Shinning star." Reflect on a season of heartwarming memories, a lot of self-indulgent growth talk, and moments we'll literally keep like a photograph and hold in our hearts forever. Whether you popped out the lenses of Disney 3D glasses to look like a hipster or wore Von Dutch as a young child, this episode has something for everyone. We've come a lawwwwwng way from where we've begun and we'll tell you AWLLLL about it when we see you again for Season 2 (but don't forget to check back next week for our LIVE EPISODE).

Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen Nov 16, 2022

The boys talk reinvention (Royal Era), letting go, New York City, and being teenage drama queens on this penultimate episode of Good Children. Joe and Andrew walk through the days they spent longing to be cool/thin/hot/rich/famous/etc. and wandering around the city trying to impress everyone while no one paid attention. Andrew's a Maxxinista, Joe's longing for longing, Jill's back, and everyone wants to put a stop to Rose's Pizza.

Health Class Nov 09, 2022

The boys get down and dirty on this educational episode of Good Children. Stories range from near-death encounters on the middle school bridge to learning about sex from fan fiction. Joe and Andrew get deep about their intimacy problems and beg the question: do we ALL have sex issues? All this and more.

When Will We Stop Hating Ourselves? Nov 02, 2022

BUCKLE UP FOR A HEAVY EPISODE. The boys talk self-loathing, guilt, shame, being the Anti-Hero, Taylor Swift, Andrew getting taken to the Honor Council, lying, fessing up, breaking down, binge eating, and more in this deeply psychological episode of Good Children. PLUS: A FULL Midnights review.

Twitches Take Halloweentown Oct 26, 2022

You’re invited to a JOE HEGYES HALLOWEEN PARTY. Bring out the marshmallow mummies, fire up the smoke machines, get to work on your costume, because stakes are HIGH. On this VERY SPOOKY EPISODE of Good Children, Andrew and Joe walk through some of their favorite Halloween memories (including every costume they’ve literally ever done). Halloweentown was gay representation, Joe was problematic, and we ALL love Brenda Song.

Being Gay On YouTube Oct 19, 2022

On this very viral episode of Good Children, the boys travel back to the dawn of time and a land before TikTok: the internet in the late 2000s. From Farmville to Facebook to Grape Lady Falls, Joe and Andrew explore the holy times of performance on the early internet. After unpacking the deep psychosis of Andrew's acapella days, the boys react to a few of their videos #FromTheVault. PLUS: live show planning, LGBTQIA* allyship lessons, and more.

It All Goes Downhill After 4th Grade Oct 12, 2022

Get your permission slipped signed, it’s time to go on a field trip with Good Children! In this hyper-descriptive episode, Joe and Andrew walk you through some of the most memorable experiences they’ve ever had— all involving trips. From running for Mayor in 5th grade (you’ll never guess who wins), to risking your life for a school play (you’ll never guess who’s driving the car), to enjoying a stay at Universal Orlando Resort, this episode as it all.

BAD INFLUENCES: virginity & boston (First 10 Minutes) Oct 07, 2022

Surprise: we're officially on Patreon! We're excited to share a side of us you don't normally get on the pod and have the chance to work closely with our listeners on creating the BEST content yet. This is a clip from "bad influences," our first Patreon-exclusive series where we get a littttttle tipsy on camera. The cuts are slower, the vibes are chiller, and the stories are even more vulnerable. Check out the full episode at the link in our bios!

Grindr In Your Hometown Oct 05, 2022

In today’s VERY SPECIAL EPISODE, join Andrew and Joe in Joe’s childhood home as he dog sits on Long Island for the weekend. The boys cover everything from Grindr in your hometown to girls who had ferrets as pets. Whether you self-identified as Jay Gatsby in high school or believe you could win a verbal argument with a pigeon, this episode has something for everyone: from Long Island culture to ghosts caught on camera. Come one over and sit a spell as Joe struggles to tame a 6-month-old puppy and Andrew silently suffers from digestive trauma.

Coming Out Sep 28, 2022

In this reflective episode of Good Children, Andrew and Joe journey through the moments in their life they tried their hardest to be the best little boys in the world. From a Cub Scouts cheating scandal to a religious education chocolate bar MLM to praying the gay away, the boys come to realize that only shooting stars break the mold. For the first time ever, Joe and Andrew tell their long-requested coming out stories.

English Teachers Are Allies Sep 22, 2022

WE'RE DOING OUR FIRST LIVE SHOW ON NOVEMBER 22ND AT THE BELL HOUSE IN BROOKLYN. CHECK INSTA FOR MORE DETALS! - Who do you have for AP Bio? Are you dressing up? Should we audition for the musical this year? It’s the first day of school for our Good Children and things get weird fast when Andrew confesses his genuine love of math. This episode is essentially a trauma dump of Andrew fighting his teachers sprinkled in with some good old fashioned nostalgia. The bus is here, gtg!

Disney Adults Anonymous Sep 14, 2022

Pumpkins, fawlling leaves, the prowess only a flannel can bring, republican energy. It’s officially fawll at Good Children HQ and the boys are inviting you to share in their seasonal spirit. From pumpkin picking photoshoots to the clown epidemic of 2016 to dressing up in full drag to go to Disney as an adult, Joe and Andrew unpack it all. Come along on a $15 hayride and practice your dynamic lumbar stretches as we prepare to pick the hottest pumpkin in the patch!

F.A.Q.QOTS Sep 07, 2022

Ask box is officially open! Join Andrew and Joe as they get HONEST when answering YOUR questions. Ponder life’s greatest mysteries like: Lizzie McGuire or That’s So Raven? What does Andrew love about Joe? When did Joe first listen to Taylor Swift? And more! Things get emotional, things get comical, and things get a little too serious on this week’s Good Children!

Slenderman Is A Twink Aug 31, 2022

Joe Hegyes and Andrew Muscarella were so pretty and so smart and got good grades and dated all the popular boys in high school. Ppl in their school TOTALLY HATED THEM so they planned to lock them in a closet forever. Unless you send this message to 10 other people, they will come to your room tonight and harmonize. They will show up every night. You have seven minutes to send this. LOLJK! In this very SCARY episode of Good Children, Andrew and Joe unpack some of their earliest fears, and a few fears they have today. Ranging from chain messages to intimacy, basements to rejection, no holds are barred.

My Super Sweet 16 Aug 24, 2022

You walk into a Long Island catering hall, there’s fried calamari, wyd? Celebrate our Sweet 16 with a look back on some of our more memorable Sweet 16 experiences, a polite conversation about Debby Ryan, and an emotional candle ceremony celebrating all of our favorite people. An introspective journey into the psyche of “LMFAO,” an inspiring call to action to bring back Bump Its, and the mortifying ordeal of being watched at a wedding. It’s a celebration fit for Good Children and YOU’RE invited.

Remember When Frozen Yogurt Came Up? Aug 17, 2022

Susan Boyle, Balloon Boy, Joe’s wart doctor… the stars align on this very nostalgic episode of Good Children! Andrew and Joe talk headlines and trends that had them glued to their TVs and abusing frozen yogurt topping bars. BeReal about chasing your dreams, negotiate the terms of your laundry service, finalize your Whale Rep application, and journey Into The Vault for more classic videos from the archive!

Sports (But In A Gay Way) Aug 10, 2022

OK sooooo this episode is about sports but not in a way that you will be bored/triggered/scared of. Joe and Andrew expose the seedy underbelly of sports through locker room trauma, halftime performances, Taylor Swift’s next album, and a weirdly sentimental speech on self love. Strap up your shin guards, put on your jockstrap, and get start praying for rain, because it’s time to play ball!

Fighting For Your Life At Gymnastics Parties Aug 03, 2022

It’s another year around the sun for Joe! Celebrate the old fashioned way with nearly losing your life at a gymnastics party, exploring repressed middle school homophobia, technical difficulties and a fondant cake. Joe and Andrew talk birthdays then and now— and invite you along to the extravagantly themed party of your dreams!

Repressed Theater Gays Jul 27, 2022

Life’s a stage and Joe and Andrew will do anything it takes to get into the spotlight. The Good Children vault is officially opened in this retrospect of life’s greatest performances. Andrew and Joe react to childhood videos, unpack movie theater trauma, and wonder what life would be like if they took a page from Troy Bolton’s playbook and pursued musical theater in high school.

Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure Jul 20, 2022

Wake up at 3am and get on your way to a traumatic flight to nowhere with Joe and Andrew. This week, the boys talk all things travel (and toilets). Fasten your seatbelts, stow all carry-ons under the seat in front of you, and don't forget to check in on your straight (gay) boyfriends as they explore the world of PrEP and Grindr.

Growing Pains Jul 13, 2022

Take a trip to the doctors office with Andrew and Joe. In this week's GOOD CHILDREN, the duo talks all things growing: from getting weighed in to getting checked out. You'll be instantly transported back to 7th grade health class, taken to a Pride party under a bridge in Williamsburg, and demand legal retribution for the cultural impact of Nicole Scherzinger.

Abroad Changed Me Jul 06, 2022

In this very special travel episode of Good Children, Andrew and Joe take you abroad to the streets of Italy, where their lives have been forever changed by the Roman lifestyle. A discussion on Michelangelo's body dysmorphia, a revelation about toilet paper, and an honest look at American idealism. These good kids cover it all and more.

Can You Push Me In The Pool? Jun 29, 2022

In quite possibly the darkest episode to date, Joe and Andrew discuss the chilling experiences that filled their summer breaks. A glimpse into the psyche of two emotionally disturbed Spanx for Men-wearing camp counselors, a retrospective look at the Cold Stone Industrial Complex, a dip in the pool, a trip to the spa, and a hopeful glance forward into summers unwritten.

Gay Serial Killers Jun 22, 2022

The truth comes out in the latest installment of GOOD CHILDREN. Andrew and Joe discuss the absolutely insane tall tales they've told over the years and get to the psychological root of why so many gays lean towards lying. From buying likes on Instagram to buying stock in an energy drink pyramid scheme, these Chatty Kathies leave no stone unturned in their proverbial pet cemetery of childhood stories.

Best of Both Worlds Jun 15, 2022

TV! Movies! Bulges! Joe and Andrew dive into the pop culture that shaped them on this episode of GOOD CHILDREN. Our hosts talk parental controls, Glee's impact on the global social and economic systems of the world, and Jason Earle from Hannah Montana.

Ogre 4 Ogre Jun 08, 2022

First dates, middle school crushes, and a DTF donkey.. Joe and Andrew talk all things relationships, romance, and emotion on this week’s GOOD CHILDREN. From coming out to fitting in, theater gays to straight girlfriends, Justin Bieber to Danny Phantom, no stone is left unturned in this sticky, sweaty, swampy episode.

Locked In The Closet Jun 01, 2022

Things get tense in this week's installment of GOOD CHILDREN. Joe and Andrew explore several longstanding points of contention throughout their school years, as well as unpack the psychological terrors of standardized testing, the "time-out closet," and the pacer test.

Leave It All To Me May 18, 2022

After drinking 500mg of caffeine each, Joe and Andrew talk triple threats, late 2000s pop cultural icons, and the celebrities who made them who they are today through intense soliloquy and home videos. Andrew unpacks the trauma of his American Idol audition. Joe unloads his devotional love to Taylor Swift. Everyone seeks justice for Rebecca Black.

The Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza May 11, 2022

Underage drinking! Half-off apps! Sweet Sixteens! BBM screenshots! Joe and Andrew take you out from the comfort of their living room and Into The Woods on the sophomore episode of Good Children.

Meet You At The Mall May 04, 2022

Childhood best friends Joe Hegyes and Andrew muscarella unpack the "trauma" of the late aughts mall experience: from the dark abyss of an Abercrombie & Fitch dressing room to the philosophical reasoning behind your food court selection. Come with us on a journey through time, space, and body odor to any given mall on Long Island. TREAT OF THE WEEK: Pop Tarts.

⁠COME TO OUR LIVE SHOW⁠, SUNDAY, JUNE 4TH, AT 7PM IN NYC!

Join the community ⁠on Patreon⁠ for an exclusive bonus episode every week.

Follow Good Children on ⁠Instagram⁠, ⁠TikTok⁠, & ⁠Twitter⁠.

Follow Joe on ⁠Instagram⁠ & ⁠TikTok⁠.

Follow Andrew on ⁠Instagram⁠.