Freedom from Attachment

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Surviving to Thriving: Anthony Trucks Oct 23, 2019

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In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Anthony Trucks, former NFL player turned serial entrepreneur. Listen in as he takes us on his journey through foster care to the NFL to now where he is a master of navigating the identity shifts that life puts us through on the path to reaching our full potential. Learn more about Anthony at www.TrucksTeam.com.

Journey of Attachment: Unwillingness Is Your Issue Oct 22, 2019

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I hear people say they want to change all the time—whether it’s getting divorced, changing jobs, finding a partner or improving a parental relationship. They say they are willing to do what it takes, and even connect with their feelings, but the needle doesn’t move. Frustrated, they go into victim mode by getting defensive (but I’m doing everything I can!) or blaming others (my therapist is useless). The problem is, these people are only scratching the surface. To make significant changes, you have to address your subconscious patterns and beliefs that live deep inside, tangled up like barbed wire. Many people are resistant to this deeper work because it’s painful, but their unwillingness creates the barrier to change. The more you dig your heels in and insist you’re doing everything you can, the more you’ll remain stuck in the same old thought process where you prove to yourself over and over this is as good as it gets. Until you’re willing to “go there,” you’ll keep battling yourself. Part of you wants to remain a victim and hold tight to the story that you’ve tried everything because it’s safe and familiar. Look at where you are unwilling to confront your real feelings. Not your reactions and surface emotions, but your underlying fears and beliefs. When you stop lying to yourself and realize your unwillingness is keeping you stuck, you can open yourself up and choose differently.

Are You In a Hurry To Label People So You Feel Better? Oct 18, 2019

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It’s easy to label someone as toxic, obnoxious, boring, etc. in order to dismiss them. Sometimes it even happens without knowing much about the person. Why do you do it? What is happening inside when you are quick to write someone off or decide they are no good? Perhaps you feel threatened in some way, like part of you believes they are better than you. Judging them can provide a sense of superiority or self-righteousness. But who’s to say you’re doing things right and they’re doing things wrong? This happens a lot on social media where someone proclaims they are dumping the toxic people in their lives or getting rid of negativity without looking in the mirror to ask what they are doing to attract it. Once again it is NOT about other people. Toxicity is a judgment we use to keep from looking at our own behavior. Labeling others is an excuse to engage in bad behavior, and it doesn’t make you superior. When you catch yourself labeling others, ask how it serves you. What benefit do you get from it? Needing to feel better than someone else usually covers up an insecurity, so your time and energy would be better spent digging into what that is instead of focusing on others.

Journey of Attachment: How 90 Seconds Can Change Your Life Oct 15, 2019

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How often do you find yourself in a situation where you just cannot take being there another minute longer? The appeal of running away, distracting and hiding when anxiety or discomfort surfaces is huge. Our society even teaches us how to dispose of things: cut bait, kick someone to the curb, cut your losses, etc. Those tactics may provide immediate relief, but it doesn’t help you grow. You may not even realize you do it, because you’ve been doing it for so long, it’s just what you do. Let’s say you’re on a date and don’t feel attracted to the other person. In fact, you have this overwhelming urgency to leave but you don’t know why. You picture yourself at home and cozy in front of the TV, so your mind tries to quickly plot an escape. Sure escaping is easy (and the voice in your head sure is persistent!), but what if you became curious about why you want to run and explored that for a minute? Don’t you want to know what is happening inside of you that creates this feeling? What you are trying to avoid is exactly what you need to stay with in order to grow. Stop running and sit still for 90 seconds to actually BE with your feelings. What fear is being triggered? What negative belief is running the show? Breathe into it. These situations where you want to bolt are not about the other person—they are about you, so use them as opportunities to learn about yourself. When you make a conscious choice not to run, you can change your life because it means you have the courage to sit with the discomfort and break old patterns. You are accepting and allowing and learning, which is where real growth comes from.

Why Do I Wake Up In a Panic? Oct 11, 2019

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How do you usually wake up feeling? Are you excited about the day ahead, or do you worry about what could go wrong? Maybe you awake in a panic. You don’t know why, so you start racking your brain for what you may have forgotten. Or maybe you simply have an anxious feeling you can’t shake, so it ruins your day. However it manifests, it’s horrible and you want it to stop. Maybe you even try to drown out the negative feelings by focusing on positive affirmations, but that does nothing to quell your anxiety. Because negative emotions are difficult to accept without understanding where they come from, you create a story (or search for a story) about what they mean. It’s very possible, however, that your feelings are not tied to anything specific. If they ARE related to something, sooner or later that will present itself so stop trying to figure it out. Moving out of an anxious state requires surrender and allowing the feelings to be what they are. When you wake up each morning, do a body scan and focus on what you’re feeling. If you’re anxious, allow the anxiety without labeling it or looking for a story. When you acknowledge your feelings as simply that… feelings… they will dissipate so you don’t carry them throughout the day.

Journey of Attachment: When Someone is Mad, It Doesn’t Mean It’s Your Fault Oct 08, 2019

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How often do you try to avoid someone being mad at you? Do you attempt to do things perfectly for fear of being blamed, then berate yourself when you fall short? Let’s say you usually do the ironing at home. One day your partner goes to grab a shirt before a big meeting. There are a few wrinkles—nothing major—but he/she is clearly upset. You feel horrible. Your partner doesn’t say it’s your fault, but they are clearly annoyed, so you feel this wash of shame and your “I’m not good enough” belief surfaces. But what if his/her reaction has nothing to do with you? Perhaps they were triggered, but instead of sharing what was going on, they snapped back in anger. You can’t control how other people feel, so walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting someone doesn’t work (nor is it a fun place to live). If you do anger someone, be compassionate toward yourself and allow the feelings of shame to surface. When you feel them, they will disappear much quicker. Not taking on the responsibility of other people’s feelings isn’t narcissistic—it’s self-care. If they aren’t taking care of their own well-being, you can’t do it for them, so let go of your perceived control. It doesn’t work.

Why Do I Attract Untrustworthy People? Oct 04, 2019

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Do you believe you are a trustworthy person when it comes to love and relationships, yet have trouble trusting your partner (or potential partner)? Maybe you are afraid they will cheat so you use that as an excuse not to commit. When your behavior is in reaction to someone else (i.e. I’m not going to commit because I suspect he/she is cheating), there are definitely trust issues, but it’s actually not about the other person. It’s YOU that you don’t trust. When you don’t trust yourself, you end up with a ping pong match in your head because you can’t make a decision. Then, when you eventually do make a choice, you second-guess it. Trust isn’t about what is comfortable or familiar, it’s about truth. It is definitely not the story in our head! If you are always in a state of truth with yourself and the world, you will feel more confident in your decisions. Become aware of your actions, particularly inconsistencies between what you say and what you do. If you say you want a healthy relationship, yet you stay in a non-committed relationship with someone you don’t trust, your words and actions don’t match. It’s much easier to slap the untrustworthy label on someone else, pointing out their inconsistencies, but until you acknowledge your own behavior and lack of trust in yourself, you won’t fully trust others.

Journey of Attachment: Being a Love Addict (or Avoidant?) Oct 01, 2019

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You’re picky about who you date, looking for Mr. or Ms. Perfect (i.e. someone who won’t hurt or disappoint you). Then you find someone who likes you. There is mutual chemistry, and yet, they seem hesitant. You know what it was like at the beginning (which could have been last week), but now it feels as though they are slip sliding away. Perhaps it triggers in you the feeling of neediness. You cling to them by people pleasing, while accepting breadcrumbs of attention in return. You do this because it is probably what you were taught as a kid—to focus on making others happy in order to get the love you want. But does that actually work? Contrary to what you may believe, relationships do NOT have to be painful. In fact, those hot and cold feelings around whether to stay or go, wondering what he/she wants or how you can make him/her act as you want are signs of attachment, not love. Even more clear are those who are avoidant. The overwhelming feeling of responsibility someone who is avoidant can feel makes them just as anxious as the addict, but to get away to some safe space. A lot of fears may keep you addicted: your partner moving on while you end up alone, him/her being the best you’ll ever find (scarcity), choosing the wrong partner again, feeling unlovable or undeserving and so on. Perhaps you’re in this relationship because you want to be rescued, but are afraid of admitting that to yourself. It’s ok, admit it. Only then can you empower yourself to change things. Emotionally available people don’t waste their time and energy trying to get close to a polar bear. And polar bears are not looking for love except from a perfect source that does not trigger than into anxiety looking for the nearest iceberg. Seeing yourself clearly, being consistent with your words and actions and becoming your own best friend will release you from this “love-addicted” hell.

How Your Lack of Commitment Shows Up Everywhere Sep 27, 2019

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If “what if’s” rule your world because you’re always afraid of making the wrong choice, you live your life with one foot in and one foot out. In other words, your lack of commitment keeps you stuck, convinced life is working against you. You will actually look for evidence to support your non-decision, then complain the Universe doesn’t have your back (but it doesn’t have your back because you haven’t put a stake in the ground). This plays out in all areas of life: dating but never committing to a relationship, calling your business a “hobby,” signing up for online classes you never finish, bouncing between different diets, etc., etc., etc. When you don’t trust yourself to make a choice and stick with it, you avoid making one at all, telling yourself and others you want to “keep your options open.” You believe hedging like this will save you from pain, frustration, disappointment or failure, but it doesn’t. What you end up doing is robbing yourself of the sweetness of life. Instead of being in the moment, you are worried about everything you might be missing out on. Instead of waiting until you’re 100% sure of your choice (which won’t happen), look for what you are afraid of. And if your fear is directed at someone or something outside of you, shift the focus back to you. When you look at how your actions support a life in limbo, you can start taking new ones that lead to contentment and fulfillment.

Surviving to Thriving: Neeta Bhushan Sep 25, 2019

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In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Neeta Bhushan, an Emotional Health Educator and Executive Performance Coach to global leaders and CEOs as well as thousands of women from all walks of life. Listen in as she takes us through her journey through multiple losses and a toxic relationship to now where she has written two Amazon best-sellers Emotional GRIT and The Book of Coaching spoke at Women Economic Forum founded SchoolOfGrit.tv and had a lot of fun and laughter in the process. Learn more about Neeta at http://neetabhushan.com.

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