Enneagram and Marriage

Latest Episodes:

Cycle Breakers: Raising Kids Who Don't Repeat Your Story Mar 25, 2026

Show notes

What happens when you realize your family's version of "normal" wasn't actually healthy? Whether conflict meant someone stormed out and didn't speak for days or big emotions were shut down with "you're fine" or "stop crying, or even that maybe family problems were swept under the rug and never discussed, today we're talking about how you're looking at your own children and engaging with them around healthy communication in the family system. This episode is for the cycle breakers (you!) - the parents who are determined to create the family culture they wished they'd grown up in. Learn practical strategies for teaching emotional regulation when you didn't learn it yourself, how to validate your children's feelings when yours were dismissed, and simple daily shifts that rewrite (or build upon if you had a great upbringing) your family's legacy story as you get tools to actually break the patterns and give your kids what you never had. Watch here on YouTube!

Take the Enneagram & Marriage quiz for COUPLES together ⁠⁠here⁠⁠: ⁠⁠⁠QuizForCouples.com⁠⁠

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An Enneagram Quiz Built for Marriage w/Wes Hardin, 1 Mar 23, 2026

Show notes

Christa has a special guest fave on the show today, her husband Wes, Enneagram Type 1 as she dives into something new she and the E + M team created together: a couples Enneagram quiz. Today Christa and Wes share some of their inherent differences they saw on the fun DC E + M adventure they just took, and discuss how they compassionately dealt with them too, as they applied family systems differentiation and Enneagram to their relationship aspirations as well. This quiz will help you learn about how your types correlate and connect, too! Built specifically for relationships, you can take this Enneagram test FREE at ⁠QuizForCouples.com⁠ Your results tell you your type AND your spouse's type, gives you personalized strengthening areas for your couple dynamic, and we would LOVE your feedback as you take it. ⁠Watch the episode on YouTube here!

Christa uploaded her most clarifying E+M content to build the system, using language from her community and focusing on deep motivations rather than surface behaviors and we invite listeners to take the quiz together at the same time, first one and then the other!

CONTEST WINNERS: Congrats also to our two contest winners: Dana from the E+M contest and Melanie from Supper Sleuths!!

Take the Enneagram & Marriage quiz for COUPLES together here: ⁠QuizForCouples.com

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Emotional Cutoff Versus Healthy Boundaries: When You Stop Talking Mar 18, 2026

Show notes

Today, Christa helps you explore the crucial difference between the family systems concepts of emotional cutoff and healthy boundaries in family relationships. Learn why going completely silent often creates more problems than it solves, how cutoff patterns affect your marriage, and when boundaries might be a better (and even better for your nervous system) solution! Discover a simple repair framework for addressing family conflict without resorting to low blows, but also discern when cutoff might actually be necessary for safety! Listen here to this do-not-miss episode!! Watch on YouTube here!

Show notes:

CONTEST ALERT: We’re doing a St. Patrick’s Day week contest, too! Email your fave St. Patrick's day story to melody@enneagramandmarriage.com for a chance to win a FREE copy of The Enneagram in Marriage or another of Christa’s books!

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From Silenced to Strong - Finding A Healthy Path w/Couples Therapist Shane Birkel, 7 Mar 16, 2026

Show notes

Listener-favorite and couples therapist Shane Birkel (host of The Couple Therapist Couch podcast) is back! Though last time Shane talked about how men can be strong but soft, this episode tackles the other side of the #1 issue Christa is seeing with couples these days: women who have learned to use their voice but how now she is coming across abrasively in a way that hurts versus helps in their marriage. This is specifically about tone, delivery, and how empowerment can accidentally create new imbalances. Shane shares the techniques he uses with his couples to help wives recalibrate without going back to silence, and husbands re-engage without shutting down. We cover personal anecdotes, family systems dynamics between husband and wife, and practical tools for finding the healthy path between silenced and too strong. If you've been told you're "too much" or if your spouse has shut down since you found your voice, this episode is for you. Watch on YouTube here!

Show links:

Find Shane on his podcast, the Couples Therapist Couch Podcast here https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/

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Why Your Nervous System Still Reacts to Family (And What We Can Work On) Mar 11, 2026

Show notes

Ever wonder why your body still tenses around certain family members even after years of therapy or spiritual formation? Today we explore a topic Christa works on as well, and explore the difference between cognitive safety and somatic safety - why your nervous system keeps reacting even when your mind has moved on. Learn three simple body-based practices you can use before, during, and after family interactions, plus quick nervous system tips specific to your Enneagram type. Discover why proximity affects your nervous system regardless of forgiveness, and get permission to love someone from a healthy distance. Watch on YouTube!

Show links:

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Reigniting Polarity: Overfunctioning, Underfunctioning & Desire w/Andrea Clark Mar 09, 2026

Show notes

Christa sits down with Andrea Clark, marriage and family therapist with 28 years of experience helping thousands of women reignite spark, polarity, and devotion in their marriages. Andrea breaks down the overfunctioning-underfunctioning dynamic that kills attraction and explains how it's deeply connected to masculine and feminine polarity. They discuss why women often take on masculine energy in their marriages (managing, controlling, doing everything), how this creates distance and resentment, and what it looks like to create space for your husband to step up. Andrea offers practical guidance on how to stop overfunctioning without becoming passive, how to access your feminine energy without losing yourself, and why polarity matters for desire and connection. If you're exhausted from carrying the mental load and wondering why the spark is gone, this conversation will help you understand the deeper pattern at play. Watch on YouTube here!

Star here on your journey with Andrea! https://www.instagram.com/andrea.clark.mft/

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⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Get Christa's Best-Selling Book, The Enneagram in Marriage, here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://a.co/d/df8SxVx

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The Family Ledger: What You're Holding Onto & What You Need to Release Mar 04, 2026

Show notes

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, "I didn't get affection as a kid, so I'm going to make sure my kids get it" and then noticed you overwhelm them just a tad? Or maybe, "My parents never helped me, so I'm going to do for mine what I didn't get", but then your spouse gets your leftovers? That's the family ledger at work, an invisible accounting system tracking what you got, what you didn't get, and what you think you're owed. In this episode, Christa unpacks how this ledger from your family of origin often has so much to do with marriages right now (in the Contextual Family Systems Therapy frame), and how to finally put it down and build something new. Learn about the "revolving slate" (over-giving what you didn't get), destructive entitlement (withholding because you're "owed"), and the path to building merit instead of collecting debts. Practical homework prompts are included to help you and your spouse break free from ledger-keeping and choose love and light over scorekeeping. Watch on YouTube here!

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⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Get Christa's Best-Selling Book, The Enneagram in Marriage, here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://a.co/d/df8SxVx

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The Longing Inside: How Family Systems Shapes Love and Sexual Desire w/Jay Stringer, 3 (3-4 Pairing) Mar 02, 2026

Show notes

Christa sits down with listener fave Jay Stringer, therapist and author of his brand new book Desire: The Longing Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow, for a conversation that bridges family systems, differentiation, and sexual intimacy in marriage. Jay breaks down how your family of origin shapes not just your attachment style but your sexual desire, why differentiation is essential for healthy intimacy, and how couples can stop triangulating their kids into their marriage. They discuss the family systems work that transforms your relationship in and out of the bedroom, how to work through attachment issues together as a couple, and why understanding where your desire comes from is key to healing and growth. If you've been doing family systems work and wondering how it connects to your sexual relationship with your spouse, this episode is a must-listen. Jay offers practical, research-backed insight into how we can grow in desire by doing the deeper work on our family patterns. Watch on YouTube!

Get Jay's book and workbook here! https://a.co/d/00mubz6x

Follow Jay on Instagram here! https://www.instagram.com/jay_stringer_/?hl=en

Find Jay's website with his courses, The Journey, and more that Christa refers to in the episode! https://jay-stringer.com/

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⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Get Christa's Best-Selling Book, The Enneagram in Marriage, here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://a.co/d/df8SxVx

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Listener Requested Interview Flip: Christa’s Work in Marriage & Family Systems w/Hannah Hardin, 4 Feb 26, 2026

Show notes

In this special listener-requested episode, the tables turn! Christa's daughter Hannah (the graphic designer behind Enneagram and Marriage) takes over as host to interview Christa about the questions you've been asking AND to share special E + M family news as another MFT in training gets added to the family: Hannah asks questions, What was her childhood like? What does she wish she'd known before marriage? Why does she love family systems theory so much? How does she regulate her nervous system after hard therapy days? Hannah asks the personal questions, from Christa's favorite thing about Wes, book talk, and more! This episode is a behind-the-scenes look at the person behind the podcast and a perfect bridge from the attachment series into March's family systems focus. Christa shares how her family of origin shaped her attachment style, what she's intentionally done differently as a parent, and what she hopes her kids remember about their family when they're adults. Whether you're a longtime listener or new here, this conversation will help you understand why Christa does this work, and maybe inspire you to look at your own story with fresh eyes. Watch on YouTube!

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⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Get Christa's Best-Selling Book, The Enneagram in Marriage, here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://a.co/d/df8SxVx

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How Your Type Processes Conflict (Attachment Series Finale) w/Jeff Cook, 1 Feb 23, 2026

Show notes

In this final episode of the attachment series, Christa sits down with another Enneagram expert, Jeff Cook, Enneagram Type 1, philosopher, former pastor, and co-host of the popular Around the Circle Enneagram podcast, as we talk about attachment and how couples can process conflict. We also talk about his new book Around the Circle: An Enneagram Book (June 2025). Unlike most Enneagram books that profile types individually, Jeff's book explores nine essential questions everyone faces (like "How do I solve my problems?") and answers them for all nine types, creating a richer, more nuanced understanding.

Jeff brings a Christian philosophical lens to the Enneagram, reminding us of the fact that relationships are all we bring with us into eternity, so it's important to grow here as an individual, and we try to answer what it means to be our healthiest selves.

They discuss the power of naming our motives, why the Enneagram isn't about "putting people in boxes," the Harmonic groups (Positive Outlook: 2, 7, 9 who reframe; Competency: 1, 3, 5 who problem-solve; Reactive: 4, 6, 8 who intensify emotions). Whether you're new to the Enneagram or a seasoned student, this conversation will deepen your understanding and help you see yourself and your spouse more clearly. Watch on YouTube!

Important Show Notes from the Allender Center's Marriage Class

Marriage class coming up! Get live teaching from The Allender Center 's prolific teachers Dan and Becky Allender across three dates, starting tomorrow (or watch over Zoom) and use the code enneagram30 to get $30 off the course here! Growing in Marriage: A Guided Journey with Dan & Becky Allender.

Jeff's Exciting Around the Circle Materials!

Get Jeff's book here! https://www.amazon.com/Around-Circle-Enneagram-Jeff-Cook/dp/B0FD46YT16

Listen to the Around the Circle pod here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/around-the-circle-an-enneagram-channel/id1466446583

Visit the entire Around the Circle crew on their website as well! www.AroundtheCircle.org

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