Derek Sivers podcast

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Cultural meanings Dec 21, 2025

Show notes

One of my best friends from Singapore was visiting me here in New Zealand last summer. She and I were upstairs when a local friend of mine came by and yelled from downstairs, “Yo D!” I yelled down, “We’re upstairs!” He let himself in, helped himself to a drink in the fridge, came up barefoot and sweaty, and laid down on the floor.

My Singaporean friend told me later this was really confusing, since the way this guy and I were acting towards each other was so rude. In her culture, all guests are treated with hospitality. But to me, that would feel off-putting, treating a dear friend like a formal acquaintance. To me, casual familiarity is the most endearing. Mi casa, su casa.

Actions have no inherent meaning. To yell “come in” instead of answering the door can be offensive to one person and endearing to another. When someone tells you what something means, it’s never true because it’s not the only answer. It’s just one perspective. You might do something you think is polite, only to have someone tell you it’s rude.

A British woman moved to China and lived with a Chinese family for a year. She ate dinner with her host family every night, and became conversationally fluent in Mandarin.

One night, after she asked, “Could you please pass the salt?” her host mother scolded her, saying, “You’re being rude.”

The British woman was confused and said, “I’m sorry. I said ‘please’.”

The mother said, “Listen to us. We’re family. When we want salt, we just say ‘salt!’ You’re part of our family, too. Using formal manners here in our home is rude because it treats us like strangers.”

Manners, norms, and meanings are never true. This is important to remember when people tell you this is good, that is bad, this means that, etc.

Obligations are not true Dec 20, 2025

Show notes

Family, friends, colleagues, and communities put social pressure on you to do what they want you to do. They say it’s your obligation or your duty. But those terms are social expectations. They’re not real. They’re not even universal. They’re just one way to see the situation.

The people saying it’s your obligation really just want you to do something. But instead of saying “I want,” they blame a higher legitimacy. It’s manipulative. They say their wishes are laws you must obey. But if they didn’t personally want you to do it, they would have said, “Don’t worry about it.”

Some people say their feelings are your problem. But that’s ridiculous. You can’t control people’s feelings. They are able to choose their response. (The word “responsible” comes from response-able.)

Everyone has their own problems. To know whose problem it is, think who benefits most from solving it.

The boss says you need to work late. But that indicates a flaw in the company’s system, which is their problem, not yours. Maybe working late would ultimately harm the company by keeping them from finding a more sustainable solution.

Parents say, “You need to take care of us when we’re old.” But maybe we all need to prepare for our own future care instead of burdening others with it.

They might say you’re a bad person for not doing what they want you to do. But that’s not true. Maybe they’re just disappointed that you’re not taking their wish as your command.

Rules are a starting point, not the final answer Dec 19, 2025

Show notes

Kids make up rules for games.

“Got you!”
“No, I was still touching the base, remember?”
“Well I’ve got the talisman in my pocket so that doesn’t count.”
“Fine, but from now on you can only use that once per game.”
“OK, but no tag-backs for five seconds.”

Instead of playing by the rules, they’re playing with the rules — playing with the game itself. Changing the game is part of the fun. We can still do this.

Rules set expectations and the terms of the game. They’re a useful starting point, but they’re not the final answer.

Governments and businesses make rules, but those rules are as random as children’s games, created by a similar process. A few people in an office, tired and wanting to break for lunch, agreed on something and haven’t thought of it since. An assistant typed it into an official document. The person enforcing it just learned about it last week, and doesn’t really care, but doesn’t want to get in trouble. They treat these rules as true because it makes their job easier. But they’re negotiable.

Rules can be ignored. Breaking a rule can be rational and moral, if you understand the rule’s purpose, and no one is harmed.

My friend was part of a student protest in Chicago thirty-five years ago, when he was eighteen, and was arrested for a few hours. Thirty years later, he and his wife went for a vacation in Australia. Upon arrival, the visa forms ask if you’ve ever been arrested. He ticked “yes”. The border control guy at the airport wouldn’t let him in the country and sent them back on the next flight to Chicago. They were devastated. Thousands of dollars lost. Vacation ruined. Before they left, the officer said, “Next time, make it easier for everyone. Just tick ‘no’.”

Rules can be changed. Society doesn’t want rules to change, since most people don’t want the trouble. But improving the rules over time is necessary. Someone has to do it.

When the founding fathers of the United States of America were drafting the constitution, it was assumed this new country would have three, six, or twelve presidents. When someone proposed having only one president, most delegates were against it, since they had just left a kingdom, and wanted nothing like a king. The issue was debated for weeks before finally agreeing, by a 7-to-3 vote, to have just one president. It’s a reminder that the way things are is arbitrary, and not the only way.

The world is as negotiable as a flea market in Marrakesh. Only a fool doesn’t haggle.

Bridge guard Dec 18, 2025

Show notes

A group of adventurers needed to cross the narrow bridge over the deadly canyon. But a huge threatening guard — like the genie from Aladdin’s lamp — blocked the entrance. He said, in a booming voice, “No one can cross until you tell me what’s true!”

He snapped his fingers, and everyone’s vision was replaced with a scene. The king, presented with a bowl of soup, took a sip, then pushed it away with a scowl saying, “It’s too salty.” Then their vision returned.

An adventurer said, “The king doesn’t like the soup?”
The guard boomed, “NO!”
“He thinks it’s too salty?”
“NO!”
Then one said, “He said the words: ‘It’s too salty.’”
“TRUE!”
That one person was allowed to cross the bridge.

Then, blocking again, “No one can cross until you tell me what’s true!”

He snapped his fingers and they saw a new scene. A woman is trapped in a box and can’t get out. She’s pushing, pounding, and trying everything, but nothing is working. Then their vision returned.

“She’s trapped in a box and can’t get out?”
“NO!”
“She’s trying everything, but nothing is working?”
“NO!”
Then one said, “She’s pushing and pounding the box?”
“TRUE!”
That one person was allowed to cross the bridge.

Then, blocking again, “No one can cross until …”

But the youngest girl in the group figured it out. She walked right up to the fearsome bridge guard and said, “I’m going to cross now.” Then she squeezed past his legs and crossed the bridge. So the rest did the same.

The guard smiled with pride.

Separate events and interpretation Dec 17, 2025

Show notes

A young man in a hooded sweatshirt knocks at your door, hiding his face, looking nervously around. “Hey, hey, yeah, can I come in? I, uh, need a glass of water.” You say no, and don’t let him in.

A well-dressed old lady knocks at your door. “I’m so sorry, my dear, but I was walking home and started feeling faint. Could I trouble you for a glass of water?” You say yes of course, let her in, and get her a glass of water. After she thanks you and leaves, you notice your wallet is gone.

Language can be sneaky like this. Some statements are clearly suspicious, so you don’t let them pass. Others sound trustworthy, so you let them in with your defenses down. But their hidden judgements will steal your clarity if you don’t stop them at the door.

Your friend says, “My mother abandoned me.” Stop. Get the actual facts. Turns out his mother had two full-time jobs, so he was raised by his grandmother in the same town, and stayed with his mother on weekends. So he’s really saying that he felt abandoned. It helps both of you distinguish between the facts and the feelings.

Another friend says someone is needy, stubborn, and inappropriate, as if those are traits. But the person judging is usually just expressing their unmet expectations. So the statement tells you more about the accuser, and almost nothing about the accused.

Imagine the job of a police clerk, filing an incident report by listening to all the emotionally charged accusations to record the few, unbiased, observable events.

Feelings matter. To address them, we have to distinguish them. Get the dry facts, with no interpretation. What’s left are the feelings and meanings. We can’t change what happened, but we can change the meaning we give it, which changes how we feel about it.

People share perspectives, not facts Dec 16, 2025

Show notes

People communicate for social and emotional reasons. (Notice the word “commune” in “communicate”.)

Socially, they want to bond. Judgements, gossip, ethics, and opinions are all great for signaling and connecting.

Emotionally, they want validation. They want others to acknowledge and agree that their viewpoint is justified. When you can see someone’s point of view, it tells them that you’re standing on their side.

That’s why people rarely share objective unbiased facts. Actual facts are as boring as dirt. Nobody bonds over facts. They have more incentive to share their thoughts, which are never necessarily true.

No picture is the whole picture Dec 15, 2025

Show notes

They say the camera never lies. But of course it does.

Someone shows you photos of happy people laughing. They say this is proof that people are doing well.

Someone else shows you photos of people looking sad. They say this is proof that people are miserable.

Ironically, all the photos were taken at the same place and the same time. But one camera focused on the happiness, while the other focused on the misery.

Both claim that their photos show the truth. But it’s just one perspective.

People find facts to support their argument on any debatable topic or view of the world. Facts can be true, while the perspective is not.

No picture is the whole picture. It’s just one of many possible angles.

Perspectives feel real Dec 14, 2025

Show notes

A kid says a cat is a pet. A mouse says a cat is a threat. They can’t see it any other way. Their friends agree, which solidifies their view, making it feel totally true.

“This house is overpriced.”

“Nothing matters more than family.”

“You’re talking too much.”

To the person speaking, these feel like facts, not opinions. They really think that house is overpriced, and you’re talking too much. But someone is happy to buy that house at that price, and someone wants you to talk more, so their statements are not necessarily true.

Someone says, “That behavior is immoral and wrong.” But from another perspective, that behavior is moral and right. So, essentially, the person is just saying, “I don’t like it.”

Every statement everyone says could be prefaced with a disclaimer: “From my limited point of view, based only on what I’ve experienced…”

But they don’t need to say that. Instead, we need to know that, and hear it that way. No matter how much authority or conviction they have, no matter how respected or famous they are, their statements are just one biased point of view.

What time is it? Dec 13, 2025

Show notes

“What time is it right now?”

For who? You? For most people in the world, that’s not the current time.

“What day is it today?”

For who? You? I’m in New Zealand, so it’s Saturday. For my friends in America, it’s Friday.

In Fiji, I went to the island of Taveuni. That’s where the international date line crosses. There’s a sign and a line on the ground. You can step back and forth across it. Left foot, Sunday. Right foot, Monday. It reminds you that dates are subjective. But your feet are in the sand, and that’s true.

“When does summer begin?”

For who? You? For half the planet, Christmas is summer and July is winter.

This is a silly but important reminder. People speak as if they’re stating facts. They say things like “You can’t do that” and “Here’s what women want”. But it’s just their current perspective. It’s their metaphorical time zone, which is probably different from yours.

They’re not wrong. It’s just not the only answer.

What’s this about? Dec 12, 2025

Show notes

This book is about reframing — changing how you think about something — and choosing a perspective that’s useful to you right now, whether or not it’s universally true.

Before we begin, I need to sharpen that word: “true”. In this book, when I say “true”, I mean absolutely, necessarily, objectively true. It’s not only in the mind. Any creature or machine could observe it and agree. It’s a concrete fact — always, everywhere, and for everyone. There’s no other way to see it. That’s what I mean by “true”.

This narrow definition is important because whatever you consider true is closed. No questioning. But when you say “not necessarily true”, it opens it up for reconsideration.

Notice that “not true” does not mean false! It just means not necessarily, objectively, absolutely true for everyone, everywhere, always. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It means there could be another possibility or perspective.

Let’s look at “Useful Not True” in five steps:

Almost nothing people say is true.
Your thoughts aren’t true.
Ideas can be useful, not true.
Reframe: Find better perspectives.
Adopt what works for you now.

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