Delusions Of Grandeur

Lando Calrissian and the Mindharp of Sharu Ch 11 - 20 Oct 30, 2024

What is there to say about these chapters? Our intrepid hosts take a cue from Lando, light up a metaphorical cigarette with our electronic space jackets, and lie down on a cosmic people mover to be passively borne towards an unsatisfying conclusion. In the end, Vuffi Raa abandons his brief career as a fashion accessory to chose true love over being a narc, Mohs loses his eyeballs but gains the knowledge of how his ancestors sold him out, Lando flies off into the sunset, and the Mindharp phones home.

Lando Calrissian and the Mindharp of Sharu Ch. 1 - 10 Oct 23, 2024

Patreon's prompt for this description is, "Why do you create?" And honestly, when the source material is this bad, it's a great question. Mostly to yell about someone else's art, I guess? Anyway: join us as we traipse from sabacc table to sabacc table — from tapcafé to tapcafé — at the whim of a threatening magician, to discover what the actual heck a mindharp is. The good news is that there is a lot of goofiness (dinosaurs! jackalopes!) sprinkled among some terrible eugenicist nonsense. We learn (unsurprisingly) that Lando Calrissian can never be without a cumberbund. Even in bed. Even tied to a cactus. Even, somehow, while also wearing a loincloth.

Children of the Jedi Ch. 21 - 26 Oct 16, 2024

Don't you just wish, though. Don't you just wish in your heart of hearts that some Skywalker would come up in here trying something froggy...and then two very intelligent women would stun him right in the face? In the exciting conclusion to this mostly incredible novel: Luke's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week comes to a close and he gets that office romance he's been dreaming about (at least, for now!). As we all know, with great power comes great reshpronsatrilatrix — and it's Callista who pays the price for messing with how the Force works.
Meanwhile, Leia gets temporarily lost in the k-hole before outwitting Roganda and her asshole teen using her extensive knowledge of aristocratic rules and some dope Force jumps. Han and Lando remain supportive side pieces to their very angry and very competent lady partners. R2 and 3PO reunite to continue what is possibly the healthiest relationship in all of Star Wars (?).
Oh! And here's that Billy Dee Williams clip. Enjoy.

Children of the Jedi Ch. 17 - 20 Oct 09, 2024

Luke Skywalker, whose leg is about to fall off, processes his trauma by banging it out on the astral plane. Leia Organa of the Alderaanian Organas leans on her training in royal eyelash batting to avoid execution and spends a night in white-collar prison curled up with a good book.
This week's chapters are full of $5 words...including ones made up by a friend of the show! We are proud to present you with "Trümmernverliebtheittyp," a brand new word that means "a-guy-who-only-has-a-crush-when-his-life-is-in-shambles" (aka: Luke Skywalker).

Children of the Jedi Ch 13-16 Oct 02, 2024

Another valiant battle to make it through four chapters of this fine novel! Luke and Callista come up with a plan to distract the Gamorreans holding Cray. While they're building it, they lie around on the office floor having deep freshman year conversations about their childhoods and why the Force is just like, the best. Threepio uses the power of diplomacy and tasty recipes to save the day. Leia figures out who is following her through the goddamn mists, and is forced to confront the cold dead hand of the galactic aristocracy once more.

Children of the Jedi Ch. 9 - 12 Sep 25, 2024

Luke Skywalker's no good, very bad day continues as he and Threepio amp up their search for Cray (now on trial for treason) and he runs into some old Tatooine acquaintances. It becomes more and more clear that the Will has absolutely noticed what Luke's up to and is trying its best to ensure he has a convenient accident. But there's another, more helpful presence on the ship. Perhaps that of a fellow Jedi and colleague who liked whales a whole lot and doesn't currently have a body (but does still have an amazing head of spiritual hair).
Meanwhile, Han and Chewie have an extremely bad day of their own in Belsavis' smugger tunnels. After throwing up a lot of sulfur water, Han manages to get Mara Jade on the phone... and then get himself into a tasteful sarong to seduce his wife through the strategic use of bare forearms. Sadly, a night that began in the beautiful light of 1996's finest floating candles ends with a bang as Artoo fails to execute an extremely elaborate homicide. Stay strong lil buddy!!

Children of the Jedi Ch. 4 - 8 Sep 18, 2024

We're not entirely sure what it says about us or him, but we love a concussed Luke Skywalker. 🤷🏻‍♀️ If you thought the trauma of needing his bones replaced in Truce at Bakura was bad, wait til you get a load of this Luke: he's got migraines, he's got collapsing lungs, he's taken an axe to his Achilles...and somehow he's still exploring an enormous spaceship, hanging out with 3PO, and refusing to swear. Meanwhile, Leia Organa Solo manages to go on a hiking tour of a multi-biome planet, slum it up in a row of dive bars, and plan a visit to the archives all in one day because she's the somehow unrecognizable and also most famous girl boss in the entire galaxy.

Children of the Jedi Ch. 1-3 Sep 11, 2024

Sometimes, you simply cannot get through five chapters of a Star Wars because there is TOO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT. A cover that gives Luke Skywalker an insane glow-up (and a normal haircut for once), and shows the Falcon at her best (flying off into a romantic sunset). A book that's unafraid to begin with the number one scourge of the 90s (ACID RAIN) and takes us to worlds where New Republican citizens are building beautiful solar punk futures and also partying hard. A love so true there ain't no mountain high enough (or valley uncanny enough) to keep 'em apart. Not to mention Luke Skywalker having a scary/sad dream about the distinctive sound of Aunt Beru's yoghurt maker in the middle of the night. Oh, and evil has awakened somewhere out in the galaxy, blah blah blah. You know the drill: a Skywalker's gotta stop it.

Rogue Squadron Ch. 36 - 40 Aug 28, 2024

Our intrepid hosts finish this best-selling book! Before we dive into the action, we undertake a wide ranging investigation into Corran Horn's height, and whether or not he qualifies not only as Best Boy, but also Short King. Then it's back to Black(moon), baby, for a rollercoaster of emotion as Wedge does what Wedge does best and Corran hides in a cave contemplating his rapidly approaching death. Luckily, Mirax and Tycho swoop in for a last minute rescue/shoot out/bake off/prank on Wedge. And we learn the secret of Emtrey's scrounge capabilities thanks to a well researched Han Mail. Small spoiler for the next X-Wing book, which we'll likely return to in the future. It's been a fun ride!

Rogue Squadron Ch. 31 - 35 Aug 21, 2024

How come they always read like fan fic except in the ways you want them to?! These chapters are full of horniness and a big ol' flirt triangle...but have absolutely no making out whatsoever for incredibly convoluted reasons we just can't parse. Wedge (aka "Veggie") leads most of the gang back to Blackmoon (except for Erisi who is pining for Corran and Ooryl who is pining for an arm). Mirax uncovers Emtrey's wildly complicated insider trading scheme involving Alderaanian pork bellies and super hot super baddie Ysanne Isard forces Kirtan Loor into the worst workplace punishment imaginable: a group project.

Rogue Squadron Ch. 26-30 Aug 14, 2024

We could call this Ch. 26-30 of Rogue Squadron but it's maybe more accurate to say we're diving in to How To Blow Up A Pipeline by Horton Salm? Rogue Squadron et al. get their shit rocked at Blackmoon thanks to Bothan overconfidence. Corran dreams of making out with Erisi in a Windows '95 desktop image. Just as he's on his way to getting well and truly drunk with a new commando friend, Emtrey and Whistler team up in a rare double scrounge that could change the fate of the New Republic. Kirtan Loor gets dusty. Wedge does his best as a matchmaker. Plus, we annouce our next book (picked in an authentically New Republic fashion that's democratic if you squint really, really hard)!

Rogue Squadron Ch. 21 - 25 Jul 31, 2024

Corran Horn pulls off a bonkers maneuver that saves the whole Squadron — and also gets him accused of Lite Treason (TM) / confined to his quarters. The rest of the crew feels sorry for him, but not so sorry that they refrain from either making out with each other in said quarters...or trying to make out with him due to battle victory horniness. Mirax is the only person who knows that the way to a true Corellian Man's heart is through cake. (Also: is Corellia called "COREllia" because it's in the Core? Because if so.......don't tell me, it'll just make me mad.)

Rogue Squadron Ch. 16-20 Jul 24, 2024

Buckle up as our hosts follow Rogue Squadron into combat once more! First, there's some very fancy flying, followed by much unfancy drinking out of what one can only assume are space Solo cups (is Han Solo secret heir to a cup fortune? Is this where the $ for his teen swoop racing career came from?). The drinking leads to some extremely complex emotional math over who is the squad's Best Boy and who is Chump of the Week. But all Best Boy math is on the back burner as Kirtan Loor pinpoints the location of the Rogues' base with his own math based investigation. Corran and Ooryl race to prevent a late night massacre. And Admiral Ackbar once again begs his officers to take a nap.

Rogue Squadron Ch. 11-15 Jul 17, 2024

Our intrepid hosts survive their first space battle alongside Corran Horn (with heavy assist from patrons who explained how gravity actually works). Wedge engages in a battle of bureaucracy and gets his ass handed to him. We learn more about Ysanne "Iceheart" Isard's background and her mysterious ability to be both middle aged and attractive AT THE SAME TIME. And speaking of attractive women, Corran struggles with the paradox that a certain smuggler can be a criminal and also a tall drink of water. Also also (through the law of plot devices, subsection "Corellia," paragraph "everyone in this galaxy knows each other"), they can be his CO's childhood bff. Emtrey finally lets loose. And New Republic procurement stands firm in the face of at least one X-wing pilot who uses government maintenance to repair their privately owned spacecraft.

Rogue Squadron Ch. 6 - 10 Jul 10, 2024

Okay so you know how we've talked before about the lack of sex in Star Wars...well, that doesn't mean that there's a total lack of intimacy, as evidenced by Wedge Antilles' VERY HOT, VERY PUBLIC relationship with his X-Wing. A lot of stuff happens in these chapters (solid legal counsel, team bonding, Han Solo hot goss, a terrifying journey through the Coruscant atmosphere...). But nothing etches itself in the brain like Wedge stroking the cockpit of his spaceship and making sure that everyone can see him do it.

Rogue Squadron Ch. 1 - 5 Jul 03, 2024

WEDGE WATCH!
By super popular demand, it's time to embark on our epic one-book* foray into the X-Wing Series with Rogue Squadron by Michael A. Stackpole. Right away, we've got a simulated space battle (because of course), some highly questionable military decision-making (slash: war crimes), and a bad guy who fancies himself a taller, hotter Grand Moff Tarkin (impossible). Much like that "Gimble" Darklighter kid, or whatever his name is, the book already has heart. (Unlike Gimble, this book is old enough to rent a car.)
PLUS: check us out on the TrekWars pod where we join their crew in debating which is better: "We Don't Do Weddings" from Tales from the Mos Eisley Cantina or "Bar Association" from Deep Space 9.
*for now!

Tales from Jabba's Palace Jun 26, 2024

Coming at you with a quick palate cleanser between Shadows of the Empire and Rogue Squadron — and a kind of literal one, too, since one of these stories involves the madcap adventures of Jabba's classically-trained chef as he tries to clear his name in the wake of a slew of murders-by-beignet. We've also got a story from a Canadian-American husband and wife writing team that maybe delves a little too greedily and too deep into the question of whether droids can feel pain. And yes, of course, we got that Mara Jade — who maybe should've spent more time scheming and less time rehearsing for her dance audition.

Shadows of the Empire Ch. 36 - 40 Jun 19, 2024

In the final chapters of this saga, a book that started off at a jewelry-making retreat before taking a hard left into sexual assault finally resolves in full-out slapstick comedy. Our heroes trek through a sewer and douse themselves in literal shit. Chewie, bless his heart, goes sprawling in the middle of an ambush following a Looney Tunes-style slip n' slide. And best of all: everyone's favorite droid odd couple pilot the f**king Millennium Falcon. Is this a massive cover-up for the fact that the gang essentially pulls off a Coruscant-based 9/11? (Yes.) Meanwhile, Darth Vader has the kind of phenomenal day that comes around once a century: where your one-liners land every time and your boss finally recognizes all that overtime you've been putting in.
Now....who could use a strong dose of Mara Jade?

Shadows of the Empire Ch. 30-35 Jun 12, 2024

We're back, baby! What's going on again? Ah, yes: Xizor's recovering from getting kicked in the balls by eating some rare and exotic fruit. No sooner do Luke and Lando park the Falcon in Coruscant’s famed frozen shrimps district than they are joined somewhat inexplicably by Dash Rendar. Leia brushes off her old gymnastics routine. Vader painstakingly assembles a PowerPoint (whyxizorsucks.final.FINAL.pptx) for the Emperor. And we are cruelly cheated of the Lando Calrissian shopping montage we both need and deserve.

A Quick Break and New Book Announcement (don't worry, we'll be back with more Shadows soon) May 29, 2024

Hey, all! We'll be back from an unanticipated break with the last two episodes of Shadows soon. But we wanted to let you know that our patrons have selected our next book: we'll be diving into Michael A. Stackpole's Rogue Squadron, the first X-Wing novel (as soon as we wrap things up with Xizor and co., that is). If you want to read along, you'll have a few few weeks to track down a copy from your bookseller or library of choice.
As always, if you'd like a voice in future book selections, head on over to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DelusionsofGrandeurPod
For $7/month, you'll get new episodes early, have a vote on future books, and have access to our ongoing group chats for each book.

Shadows of the Empire Ch. 25-29 May 22, 2024

We know some of our listeners are reading along with your kids, so a content warning: these chapters includes discussion of an extended sexual assault scene that’s probably not appropriate for younger listeners (and maybe not a choice for all adults, either).
Before we dive in, Kelly reports back from the 25th anniversary screening of The Phantom Menace (spoiler alert: it’s still not great, but we forgot all about Darth Maul’s sick Lime scooter and the guy that yells about sports).
 Leia finally comes face-to-face with Xizor and initially likes what she sees before realizing something is very, very wrong. Luke and Lando take an extended road trip in the Falcon. Artoo and Threepio finally get a chance to catch up. Chewie and his terrible haircut escape Black Sun. And Vader feels sure he can avoid the pitfalls of the Dark Side (he’s just built different, duh).

Shadows of the Empire Ch. 20-24 May 15, 2024

Did something finally happen in these chapters or do Kelly and Emily just have space Stockholm syndrome?? The action is finally picking up: Xizor contemplates creating some deepfake nudes of Leia and then trims his bonsai (not a metaphor). Vader gets real mad his boss sent him to pick up his son from jail. Threepio commits a felony with a cheerful wink. Guri shows off her pottery skills. Leia hits the strip mall on Coruscant before her business meeting with Xizor. Some (perhaps many) more Bothans die to bring us this information. And just as on Myrkr, Luke truly thrives in captivity.
Also - if you went to watch the prequels on the big screen, tell us all about it!

Shadows of the Empire Ch. 15-19 May 08, 2024

Vader and Xizor ratchet up their game of mutual spying and lying. Leia waits around a casino until Guri’s busy schedule of murdering unruly Black Sun associates clears up. Luke and Dash intercept a message from a Bothan spy who may or may not be just a human guy (?) and end up hijacking a load of literal bullshit. And we are left asking what a Twi’lek dye job might entail.

Shadows of the Empire Ch. 10-14 May 01, 2024

Some things happen in these chapters! Vader stares down a midlife crisis, wondering why being an all-powerful middle manager is not sparking more joy. Xizor and Vader engage in a battle of wits both IRL and over Zoom. Our hosts wonder if schemes are indeed like plants. We find out the basis of the Emperor and Xizor’s friendship (competing over weird rich guy shit and murdering skilled tradespeople). Lando uses the power of spreadsheets and charisma to advance the plot and win a ton of credits. Luke is exiled on Tatooine and manages to build a lightsaber that doesn’t explode with all his free time. And Dash Rendar may be able to fly, but he can’t outrun his own cringe.
And as always, we want to hear from you! Drop us a line over at the Han Mail, or come find us in the "book of the month club" chat over at Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DelusionsofGrandeurPod

Shadows of the Empire Ch. 5-9 Apr 24, 2024

We start off with some very important Han Mail as we defend the honor of a woman who definitely did NOT write us a nuanced and thorough review on Audible. And after a digression into the net worth of two of literature's greatest manic pixie dream bosses (Talon Karrde and Mr. Darcy), we dive into Shadows again. We get some insight into our villains as they both take some time for self care: Vader spends the day in the med spa getting incandescently angry at Obi-Wan and his own lungs, and Xizor grabs a spontaneous dinner after his sex/murder droid dumps his mistress. Meanwhile, the gang heads off to try and steal Han back from Boba Fett before he can get to Tatooine. Wedge Antilles does all the work and pays his taxes on time while Han Solo stand-in Dash Rendar does all of the quips. A Mara Jade knock-off tries and fails to kill Luke. And we are left asking for justice for Lando, who is *clearly* the best home cook in the EU.

Shadows of the Empire Ch. 1-4 Apr 17, 2024

We are finally diving into Shadows of the Empire, by which we mean Lucasfilm's Death Star sized 90's marketing machine. For this is no mere book: it is a weird conglomerate of a novel, several comic books, a video game, collectable figurines, an original soundtrack (!) and probably something else we missed.
Before we dive into the book itself, Kelly reports back on the first level of the N64 game. We also learn a little about the process of writing it, and the unbelievably specific inspiration for Shadow's sexy villain, Prince Xizor.
Ok, now for the actual book! We flash between flashbacks of Empire Strikes Back, incredibly bitchy Imperial brunches, Leia hanging out in a dive bar, and Luke's post breakdown residency in Sedona (complete with circus training and jewelry making). Plus, we confront the eternal questions of the EU: how many people know Vader and Luke are related, and when will the rebellion finally court martial a man who has spent most of his time in army stealing equipment and going on vacation?
Most of our fun facts on the processes of making Shadows came from Stephen Harber's article How Shadows of the Empire Became A Gritty 90s Epic. It's full of great tidbits and also SPOILERS for a thirty year old book most of us have already read.
And we have a whole new book chat for Shadows over at our Patreon, stop on by: https://www.patreon.com/DelusionsofGrandeurPod

Bonus! Han Mail Bag and A Forest Apart (for real this time) Apr 10, 2024

Ok, here is the actual show for this week! Apooglies from your very tired delulu crew. It's time for some Han Mail! Plus, a sneak peak of our Patreon bonus episode, A Forest Apart. Listen to chapter one here, or head to our Patreon for the thrilling conclusion: https://www.patreon.com/DelusionsofGrandeurPod.
Join us on an adventure where we actually get to know what the f*ck Chewbacca is talking about for once! His partner and video game obsessed kid join him on Coruscant for a little family time, but they've barely gotten settled before some vitamin deficient mole people break into the Solos' apartment. The whole family heads to Coruscant's underworld to stop these undernourished Imperial saboteurs from wreaking havoc at the fancy diplomatic reception where Han will be unveiling a new hat.
We'll be back next week with a whole new book...er, multimedia experience: Shadows of the Empire.

Tatooine Ghost Ch. 21 - 25 Apr 03, 2024

It's the last set of chapters for Tatooine Ghost! Han Solo finally has a topic for his art history project and it's: "Why My Wife and Her Entire Culture Is Wrong and I Am Right: A Han Solo Thesis." In probably their most relatable moment to date, stormtroopers complain about nepotism (whew brother, wait 'til they learn the truth about the Skywalkers!). Leia Organa Solo has two minutes of talk therapy with her father's childhood best friend and it's just what she needs to decide she wants to get pregnant (that seems.....fine). And most importantly: Chewie is still really good at flying. Don't ever forget it.
You can head to our Patreon for Chewie (and his nerdy, disobedient teenage son) next week when we cover the BONUS story in this book: A Forest Apart! https://www.patreon.com/DelusionsofGrandeurPod

Tatooine Ghost Ch. 17-20 Mar 27, 2024

Our intrepid heroes finally catch up to the Jawas' sandcrawler only to discover a massive droids' rights violation (and a lot of dead Jawas), but no Kitster. Leia has to pause her grandma's diary to rescue Han from certain death (with a key assist from the Squibs). We find out what stormtrooper armor is actually good for (that sweet built in AC). Han is forced to confess he's still got feelings for Killik Twilight. Leia is forced to confess she's got those old Skywalker Force-feelings (ugh). And by the law of Skywalkers/plot devices, she's got a feeling they should head out to old Ben Kenobi's place.
Plus, a very special announcement. We may be getting towards the end of this book, but we won't be leaving Tatooine anytime soon: the patrons have spoken with one voice, and our next book will be Shadows of the Empire!
Want a say in future books? Head on over to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DelusionsofGrandeurPod

Tatooine Ghost Ch. 13 - 16 Mar 20, 2024

INT. TATOOINE'S FINEST HOTEL AND DAY SPA — MID-MORNING
Leia discovers the Tatooine Dream of a Hutt-style jacuzzi. Han unceremoniously rips an IV from his arm for some very dehydrated but only strongly implied sexy times. Shmi's diary entries continue to reveal her inner life, despite how much podracing recaps try to interrupt. Stormtroopers — led by a suspiciously competent officer — track our heroes to the spa and wreak havoc. The gang escapes with the help of the Squibs, a case of Dasani, and Chewie's special Wookie decapitation move...but not before we get one of the most controversial cameos in the galaxy — one that leaves our hosts somewhat divided (gasp)!
You can find more exclusive, hot off the presses commentary about this 20 year old book on our Patreon, plus a great read along book club with fellow listeners AND the priceless opportunity to choose future books: https://www.patreon.com/DelusionsofGrandeurPod

Tatooine Ghost Ch. 9-12 Mar 13, 2024

Now that Han Solo is alone with this swoop, things are gonna get more explicit between him and this glorified motorcycle than they ever have with him and Leia. Unfortunately, he does crash and spends the rest of these chapters trying to wring three drops of water out of Tatooine's atmosphere. Leia, Chewie, 3PO, and the Squibs mount a rescue campaign with the help of Biggs Darklighter's family who have taken over the Lars family murder-- sorry, moisture farm. And Biggs's mom [correction: aunt!] hands Leia a key to unlocking a new dungeon in the land of Skywalker Spirals.
To correct us on the intricacies of the Darklighter family tree in real time, head on over to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DelusionsofGrandeurPod

Tatooine Ghost Ch. 5-8 Mar 06, 2024

Our heroes engage in *some* light espionage and *much* dramatic removal of hoods as they chase Killik Twilight and Kitster Banai across Mos Espa. Kitster isn’t home, but they do find the love of C-3P0’s life (Par Ontham’s Guide to Etiquette). And they meet not one, but two of Kitster’s wives, leading to a very tense happy hour. Chewbacca struggles to maintain his new hairstyle as Squibs crawl all over him and low-flying TIE fighters give everyone a static charge. Leia struggles with learning her genocidaire father was once a small and vulnerable enslaved child. Han Solo gets the zoomies.
If you need more Tatooine Dreams (or Ghosts), head on over to our Patreon for more episodes, a read-along book club, and the chance to vote for our next book: https://www.patreon.com/DelusionsofGrandeurPod

Tatooine Ghost Ch. 1-4 Feb 28, 2024

Last night, I dreamt I went to Tatooine again.
That's right, we’re diving into the New York Times bestseller Tatooine Ghost! So far, this book has it all: a pit stop at the galaxy’s premiere make-out point, a heavily implied Thrawn cameo, an absolutely insane New Republic prosthetics budget, enough contradictory Darth Vader knowledge to give Emily a small aneurysm, and a win-or-die art auction that’s trending towards die.
This is also the first episode on our new Patreon. For seven whole American dollars a month, you'll be able to access episodes two weeks early - there's three full episodes up there now if you just can't wait for more Tatooine-based schenanagans. Plus, we've got a Tatooine Ghost (orTatooine Dreams, depending on how you pronounce it) book club going in the chat, with fellow listeners sharing insights on the incredible cover art, as well as some pretty compelling Star Wars cocktails. And you'll be able to vote on what book we read next.
Check it out here: https://www.patreon.com/DelusionsofGrandeurPod
If that's not your bag, no worries! Each episode will also get posted in this feed, just a bit later. And we're absolutely still checking that Han Mail, so send us thoughts/queries/support in this trying time as we try to understand how everyone on Tatooine knows Anakin Skywalker = Darth Vader.

Season 2: Patreon Announcement Feb 08, 2024

Season two is on the way next week for Patreon subscribers! We'll be kicking things off with "Tatooine Ghost," an incredible Thrawn-adjacent art heist. Check us out here: patreon.com/DelusionsofGrandeurPod
Non-subscribers get free access to episodes two weeks later (but you won't get to vote on upcoming books or chat with your fellow Deluded Star Wars fans).

The Last Command Ch. 25-29 Jan 04, 2024

Hold onto your butts, it's the action-packed conclusion to all the clone madness! And also the end to the regular everyday madness you feel when you’ve got Emperor Palpatine’s voice rattling around in your head in ALL CAPS! But here they are: the final chapters in Timothy Zahn’s glorious Thrawn Trilogy. Plus some Han Mail with trilogy trivia and a hint at what we’re reading in Season Two! Keep your eyes peeled for an upcoming listener blog post all about cloones (not a typo, iykyk).

The Last Command Ch. 21-24 Dec 29, 2023

Jedi training during a camping trip means getting creative with lightsabers. Wedge gets sent on yet another side mission where he has to try to blend in at a cantina. While Thrawn and the New Republic prepare to duke it out in space, our usual suspects...uh, "heroes"...make a plan to storm the mountain that contains all of the clone madness.

The Last Command Ch. 17-20 Dec 21, 2023

We finally figure out the secret of DELTA SOURCE!! And don’t worry, it’s way cooler than anything you had in mind (yes, even cooler than: “Sounds like Coruscant’s most popular dispensary”). Talon Karrde’s Smuggle Buddies reunite and almost turn on him (gasp!) but he is saved at the last minute due to Niles Ferrier being incredibly bad at his job. Luke Skywalker forces Mara Jade to let him teach her how to stack pebbles with her mind on their doomed camping trip, part deux. And Thrawn uses the pottery that Admiral Ackbar made in a college elective to determine what the New Republic’s next scheme will be.

The Last Command Ch. 13-16 Dec 14, 2023

Sorry we missed you last week! Like Luke Skywalker, we desperately needed a nap. On today’s episode, an astute Han Mail makes us question if Han Solo hails from Space France. Thrawn traps the New Republic high command in the prison of *their own minds* (plus a very real wall of invisible asteroids). Mon Mothma and Bel Iblis finally have a heart-to-heart. Karrde and the smuggle buddies check out some new real estate. Threepio gets a dent (gasp). And Han and Mara find some common ground: there is nothing more annoying than camping with a Jedi.

The Last Command Ch. 9-12 Nov 30, 2023

Barely on the outside, Leia & Han’s twins are already under threat. They get saved by none other than Mara Jade…who is repaid with house arrest?! Uncool, New Republic. Talon Karrde is out there doing smuggler stuff and longing to get his super-competent second-in-command back. And poor Lando continues to learn that bureaucracy is as much of a pain in the ass as the Empire could be.
PLUS: we have received the absolute best Han Mail in the form of a bespoke SONG. Feast your ears!

The Last Command Ch. 5-8 Nov 23, 2023

Have you ever wondered: can women even be friends in space? This week, in addition to our regularly scheduled shenanigans, we've got an answer. Inspired by ongoing conversations between Mara Jade and Leia Organa Solo, one of our listeners has contributed to our blog. That's right! We read novels from 30 years ago and we write on the internet like it's 30 years ago. Listen to this episode and then go check it out: delusionspod.com/blog.

The Last Command Ch. 1-4 Nov 16, 2023

It’s the beginning of the thrilling conclusion to the Thrawn Trilogy! We’ve got CLONE MADNESS! - we’ve got Luke Skywalker learning from past mistakes! - we’ve got Wedge Antilles doing something called the “Cracken Twist” (???) - and we’ve got Mara Jade finding a hidden blaster in a library book (…she’s gonna need it!). Also: keep that Han Mail coming. The question of the week is: if Bel Iblis could take a BuzzFeed quiz, which historical figure would he be?

Dark Force Rising Ch. 25-29 Nov 02, 2023

It’s the LAST EPISODE for this book! But in lieu of jokes about space agriculture or dreamy management styles, we’re asking you to lend your time and/or money to calling your reps and donating to relief organizations combatting the genocide in Palestine. Here are two options to get you started:
American Friends Service Committee
Palestinian Children’s Relief Fund

Dark Force Rising Ch. 21-24 Oct 19, 2023

We open on Jomark where Mara Jade and Joruus C’baoth are keeping the entire B&B awake with their shouting match in the courtyard. Zoom forward four days and Luke Skywalker gets to do a Death-Star-style-break-in-and-prisoner-heist redo (it’s the same, but in reverse!). And then…we get the incredible and dramatic conclusion of the Hongorian GRASS SAGA! Leia does a full-court Alderaanian royalty press. Chewbacca does some backseat Wookie science. And with their powers combined, 40-some years of colonialism turns to dust.

Dark Force Rising Ch. 17-20 Oct 12, 2023

“Tall and tan and young and ANGRY / a woman named Mara Jade goes walking…” right into Thrawn’s clutches, unfortunately. Captured after a hilarious cloak-and-dagger mission in Space Portugal that involves a random Wedge Antilles cameo, Mara Jade spends these chapters reckoning with some hard truths, passing fashion exams with flying colors, and feeling guilty enough about getting Talon Karrde locked up that she decides to go ask Luke Skywalker for help…

Dark Force Rising Ch. 13-16 Oct 05, 2023

In what is possibly our most philosophical/theological episode yet, we get into whether droids are categorically “Neat Little Guys” or “uncanny abominations” — we speculate about what the New Republic’s PR firm might be up to (now that we finally know it exists!) — we are thrilled to follow this galaxy’s own Belgian detective, Lando “Poirot” Calrissian on his upholstery-based investigations — and Grand Admiral Thrawn receives an intriguing telegram that leaves us on a cliffhanger.

Dark Force Rising Ch. 9-12 Sep 28, 2023

Luke Skywalker is nowhere to be seen this week! Lando remains unimpressed while Han Solo meets his childhood hero: The Flying Dutchman, Space Edition.™ Thrawn arrives on the Noghri homeworld for tea and accusations. Leia and Chewie wake up in a locally owned artisanal bakery. And we GET INTO IT on the history of colonialist grasses, baby!! Once you’re done reading these chapters, get grass-pilled with a few Earth-related gems:
California’s Lying Fields of Gold
1493: Uncovering the New World Columbus Created
The Mushroom at the End of the World: On the Possibility of Life in Capitalist Ruins

Dark Force Rising Ch. 5-8 Sep 21, 2023

Mara Jade unenthusiastically trades the jungle for a bustling market in Space Morrocco. Talon Karrde shares a secret: he accidentally discovered the location of the infamous Katana Fleet — 200 super dope ships all tethered together by Bluetooth but which were thought to be “lost.” Joruus C’baoth is still around and still weird and still fascist. Han, Lando, and Luke get into MUCH CHICANERY on New Cov — a pharmaceutical planet that’s basically Little Shop of Horrors meets Bio-Dome (1996).

Dark Force Rising Ch. 1-4 Sep 14, 2023

This week, we start off with Talon Karrde hiding behind the galactic equivalent of a lamppost—his love for the hot goss almost destroys him and his crew. Luke and Lando complete a neat side quest spurred by Lando’s excellent sense of smell and crafty negotiating tactics. An ambitious Bothan is trying to take down Admiral Ackbar with dirty money and sly interior decorating. WE GO BACK TO THE ARCHIVES, BABY, where we discover some weird stuff about the original Jorus C’Baoth. And Han Solo finally becomes the partner we all knew he could be by just…getting the heck out of the way. <3

Heir to the Empire Ch. 27-32 Aug 24, 2023

It’s the thrilling conclusion to the first novel of the Thrawn Trilogy! And it has answers to all the most pressing questions raised so far: what else was Palpatine keeping in his secret mountain lair (besides his diaries and a crazy ‘bonuus’ dark Jedi) and how will Thrawn put it to use? What happens when you cover Luke Skywalker in poison ivy? Why does Wedge Antilles drink SO MUCH tea? Join us as we say goodbye to Myrkr and—by the law of plot devices—end up in the Sluis Van Shipyards with literally all of the important human men in the galaxy…at the same time.

Heir to the Empire Ch. 22-26 Aug 17, 2023

Inside you, there are two wolves. One wolf realizes that he’s on a planet that cuts people off from the Force and—even though he’s camping out in a deadly jungle with a woman whose life’s ambition is to murder him—he decides to take a nap about it. The other wolf is actually that very same murder-y woman whose survival instincts tell her to pop amphetamines and stay awake for three days straight. Somehow, both of the wolves are also eldest daughters. Listen, okay: it’s a metaphor for Luke Skywalker and Mara Jade. But…tell us we’re wrong! You can’t, ‘cause we’re not.

Heir to the Empire Ch. 17-21 Aug 10, 2023

True confession: I spend way too much time browsing Galactic Zillow looking at planets I can’t afford and honestly it’s a toss-up between Kashyyyk and Myrkr. On the one hand: a badass jungle where Wookies (who regularly disarm other beings—and I mean DIS-arm!) are the cuddliest residents. On the other: a mostly forested smuggler’s paradise where you get decent healthcare and no Jedi will ever bother you. All that is to say: there’s not a lot of Thrawn in this week’s chapters, but there’s still so much to rant about.

Heir to the Empire Ch. 12-16 Aug 03, 2023

Why is it that everyone always decides to pay Lando a visit a) at the most inconvenient time and b) at the SAME time?! Poor scoundrel (we love him). This week: Han Solo’s study abroad buddy gets robbed—Leia and Luke solve an interesting Yoda-related conundrum—C3P0 gets a non-consensual ‘upgrade’—and Grand Admiral Thrawn deduces the best way to get a fox, a chicken, and a sack of grain across a river…but like, Space Edition.™

Heir to the Empire Ch. 6-11 Jul 27, 2023

This week, Luke very capably fends off some Jedi-nappers—proving once again that he’s meant for the field and not for EITHER middle management OR academia. Leia is starting to use her Force abilities a little more here and there—first for a very funny pretend jewelry robbery and then to detect a FAKE MILLENNIUM FALCON! We’ve got ourselves some Wedge Watch; Thrawn does an epic and (more importantly) well-written space battle; and as always, please don’t ever forget that Mara Jade is angry about everything and she rules for it.

Heir to the Empire Ch. 1-5 Jul 20, 2023

It's finally here, the one you've been waiting for: the first of Timothy Zahn's original Thrawn trilogy Heir to the Empire. We've got THE MOST competent bad guy (a regular Space Napoleon) who can predict his opponents' maneuvers by studying their art. Good thing Uncle Owen never paid for Luke to go off to Tosche Station for that pottery class...

Interlude: Tales From The Mos Eisley Cantina I Jul 13, 2023

Sit back. Relax. Let us pour you a tall glass of cool blue milk as we spin fascinating yarns about some of the galaxy’s most villainous scum—and how they came to frequent a certain wretched hive. That’s right: we’re unpacking the first six stories in Tales From The Mos Eisley Cantina. We’ve got mistaken identities, townhouse robberies, and sentient trees. And who would’ve thought that Greedo’s story would be the most tragic thing we’ve ever read? Or that two of these stories seem eerily similar to two musicals you can find on a list of 2023 Tony nominees?

The Courtship of Princess Leia Ch. 21-27 Jul 06, 2023

THE EXCITING CONCLUSION* to this novel has arrived! Han Solo botches a mission to sacrifice himself for the greater good and loses a great number of molars in the process. Luke Skywalker is paired with his soulmate, R2D2, for a romantic rancor ride and makes a meaningful connection with a lizard. And Leia finally chooses who she wants to marry—a decision not based on diplomacy or love, necessarily, but mostly based on whose pants fit best.
*We would say "climax," but let's be real. There's none of that here.

The Courtship of Princess Leia Ch. 16-20 Jun 29, 2023

This week, our heroes are doing some sexy cave camping; arguing over who they get to sit next to on their rancor field trip; breaking INTO prison via berry-picking hoppers; and trying (unsuccessfully) to unhear C3P0’s original multi-versed ballad about Han Solo. That instant classic is either an homage to the Star Wars galaxy’s Frank Sinatra—or Dave Wolverton listened to a lot of Salt-N-Pepa in the mid-90s, who can say? Delusions of Grandeur: come for the promise of courtship, stay for the unhinged nonsense!
This episode was scored by June Jones.

The Courtship of Princess Leia Ch. 11-15 Jun 22, 2023

The galaxy’s hottest club is…Dathomir. Literally everyone is crash landing there (on purpose, for some reason?). There’s an evil warlord in the skies and warring witches riding rancors on the ground. Luke has been hiding a maxi dress in his jumpsuit THIS WHOLE TIME. Han is captured but actually kind of enjoys being put to work fishing freaky Tremors/Dune worms out of beer-filled holes in the ground. And despite this book having Leia in the title, we hear surprisingly little from her in these (and uh…future) chapters.
BUT in better news: we got our first fan mail!

The Courtship of Princess Leia Ch. 6-10 Jun 15, 2023

OH BOY. This is where things really take a turn for the absolute worst. Han Solo makes all of the galaxy's worst decisions, from the innocuous—asking C3P0 for relationship advice—to the insane—zapping his on-the-rocks-girlfriend with a mind control ray, stuffing her in a smuggling compartment with no oxygen, and flying her to a planet blockaded by a vicious warlord. Coooool. Cool cool cool.
It's enough to make one pull a Padmé (aka just...die of sadness).
Transcript here.

The Courtship of Princess Leia Ch. 1-5 Jun 08, 2023

**New Novel Alert!** Join us as we (somewhat willingly) return to the book that answers the pressing question, “Did Princess Leia and Han Solo end up getting married? How did that…happen?” The first five chapters feature a lot of really hot, deeply cis and celibate people trying to do diplomacy; a trip to a Jedi archive in a bombed-out bunker where we discover some hard truths about Yoda; Han Solo winning a planet in a game of Space Poker; and some foreshadowing of the toxic masculinity to come.

Interview: Kathy Tyers Jun 01, 2023

Did you know that you can just CALL UP YOUR FAVORITE LIVING CHILDHOOD AUTHOR and have a chat with them?? You can—and we did. Join us and our plus one, Kathy Tyers, author of the New York Times bestselling novel The Truce at Bakura! Listen to us gab about everyone’s favorite family of force-strong farmboys, how Kathy developed Dev and the Ssi-ruuk, and the different rules that governed how to write 1990s Star Wars novels. You can find out more about Kathy and check out her Firebird series at kathytyers.com!

The Truce At Bakura Ch. 16-21 May 25, 2023

It's the thrilling conclusion to the Truce at Bakura! Luke and Dev join forces to triumph over the Ssi-ruuk, one "freed" soul at a time. Han and Leia misuse repulsor chairs (not like that, get your mind right). An Imperial bureaucrat must face the ultimate punishment: being handcuffed to Threepio for 24 hours. And 132-year-old hacker grandma Eppie Belden does a coup with the help of R2D2 and her home health aide. In the end, everyone is a mess, no one is getting laid, and no one is becoming an apprentice to the galaxy's most well-meaning, most incompetent Jedi master. 10/12 parsecs.
Transcript is here.

The Truce At Bakura Ch. 11-15 May 18, 2023

Things are really starting to get going now. Governor Nereus poisons Luke with some worms hidden inside space ceviche (but he doesn't know it yet!). We meet Eppie Belden, who turns out to be an emo-hacker-grandma that commands an army of Bakuran rebels from her living room console. Leia resists arrest!...but is captured anyway. Threepio intercepts a secret plan and becomes the hero we need. Han Solo hides in the chimney of a log cabin and becomes the hero we deserve. Everything ends on a cliffhanger as the Ssi-ruuk finally arrive!
Transcript here.

The Truce At Bakura Ch. 6-10 May 11, 2023

The gang has landed on Bakura and made contact with the Imperials they're trying to help. They attend a surprising number of formal gatherings—including a dinner in the space equivalent of that mansion from Parasite, so surely things will go well. Skywalker family drama continues as Leia confronts the ghost of Darth Vader while Luke pines for a woman who is not his sister and who hates his guts! On the plus side: PEOPLE SEEM TO ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT A JEDI IS, which is a miracle.
Transcript here.

The Truce At Bakura Ch. 1-5 May 04, 2023

Barely 36 hours after cremating his redeemed dad and reuniting with his friends at an all-night Ewok rager, Luke Skywalker faces a tough choice: take a goddamn nap or a droid will have to replace all of his bones. Suddenly, the Rebels intercept a spooky message from some Imperials that don’t know the Emperor is dead. Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie, R2, and 3PO are sent on a diplomatic/rescue mission where stakes are high: there’s an alien species that wants to capture and imprison human souls. All naps will have to wait.
Transcript here.

Prologue Apr 27, 2023

Our hosts fell in love with Star Wars because it was exciting & relatable. It gave them their first insights into justice, fascism, relationships, belief, displacement, sacrifice, & power. Familiar themes continue throughout the expanded universe novels & we will address them all. (No previous Star Wars knowledge necessary!)
delusionspod.com

Introducing Delusions of Grandeur Apr 27, 2023

COMING SOON: Delusions of Grandeur. A Star Wars novels recap podcast.
Emily & Kelly fell in love with Star Wars because it was exciting and relatable. Then, the extended universe novels from the 1990s gave them their first insights into justice, fascism, relationships, belief, displacement, sacrifice, and power. Star Wars has never been so cool…or so primed for critical analysis.

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