Culture Sex Relationships

Latest Episodes:

Ask Justin 3: Non-Monogamy, BDSM, arousal and desire May 13, 2021

Show notes

This weeks' Culture Sex Relationships is the 3rd Ask Justin. You send your questions and I try and give great advice. There are three questions this week. One on sex discrepancies and opening up a relationship to non-monogamy. Second is about BDSM and the risks of practising it when you have a straight laced job. The third one is about disentangling arousal and desire and the role of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. This last one contains a mention of sexual assault but I don't go into any detail or specifics. If you like this show and would like some more of it, please considering supporting the show on Patreon. patreon.com/culturesexrelationships From just £1 a month would be a great help. If you can afford more so that I can keep as much as this free for others that can't, that would be even better. Thank you! Here are some links I mention For the user guide zines check out megjohnandjustin.com/publications Here's our book https://uk.bookshop.org/books/a-practical-guide-to-sex-finally-helpful-sex-advice/9781785783876 Here's the BDSM survey I mentioned http://cdn.yougov.com/cumulus_uploads/document/h38baes6ei/InternalResults_150209_BDSM_Website.pdf The topping and bottoming books are by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy http://www.dossieeaston.com/books.html I also mention the Idiot Brain by Dean Burnett, which is great https://uk.bookshop.org/books/the-idiot-brain-a-neuroscientist-explains-what-your-head-is-really-up-to/9781783350827?aid=5561 Meg-John's work on trauma is excellent https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/self/trauma-and-the-body-basics/

Decriminalise Sex Work Apr 29, 2021

Show notes

I chatted with Sarah from Decrim Now about the laws around sex work and why it's an issue at the moment. We cover the current position (which is partial criminalisation), the Nordic Model (which criminalises the client), and full decriminalisation (which is what sex workers and many big unions and charities are calling for). As I mentioned in last week's show we would please encourage you to use this template to email your MP about it https://decrimnow.eaction.org.uk/nonordicmodel and if you have clout or belong to an organisation that does, please sign the open letter https://decrimnow.org.uk/open-letter-on-the-nordic-model/

MJ&J Opening Up Again Apr 16, 2021

Show notes

Meg-John and I did a show about how we might slowly begin to open up again. How we might be able to make it easier for others. The importance of good consensual processes (and how we can pay attention to those). Here's the excellent infographic we talked about https://twitter.com/CounsellingKaz/status/1381200139839225856?s=19 Here's the link to the open letter put together by Decrim Now for the decriminalisation of sex work https://decrimnow.org.uk/open-letter-on-the-nordic-model/ Support Meg-John's Patreon https://www.patreon.com/MegJohnBarker and please sign up to the Culture Sex Relationships Patreon to help support the show https://www.patreon.com/CultureSexRelationships

Katherine Angel: Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again Apr 06, 2021

Show notes

This has been out and available on the Patreon feed for a few days now, so you've been denied the freshest of takes until now. If you want to hear future episodes early and in full, then please support the Patreon. I was delighted to be joined by Katherine Angel to chat about her latest book Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again. We had to rely on the zoom recording so sorry about the occasional blip in the background. We chatted about the main themes of her book: consent, desire, arousal, and vulnerability. We also chatted a little bit about my book Can We Talk About Consent and compared notes about how a more bottom up approach to understanding sex might be possible. We covered the topic of sexual violence but we didn't go into any detail. It was a really interesting and engrossing chat and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Katherine's book is on sale wherever you get your books. You can also buy direct from the publishers here where it's on sale atm. https://www.versobooks.com/books/3743-tomorrow-sex-will-be-good-again Get yourself a Comrade tote back to carry it in while you're there. You can also get my book from this indie bookshop as well as any others https://uk.bookshop.org/books/can-we-talk-about-consent/9780711256545 We also mentioned my book with Meg-John which is now known as A Practical Guide to Sex https://uk.bookshop.org/books/a-practical-guide-to-sex-finally-helpful-sex-advice/9781785783876 If you want to chat about the show with likeminded listeners (and also support the show) please support the Patreon from just £1 a month and you can access our Discord server. And if you have any questions for an upcoming advice episode do send them to me via here in the direct message option or email to culturesexrelationships at gmail dot com Justin

Sex Jams 6: Freak Nasty Mar 17, 2021

Show notes

This week we do Freak Nasty: which is both a jam and a bop according to Eleanor. It's an extremely interesting sex jam which flips subjectivities and desire whilst also being extremely interested in non-reproductive forms of sexual activity. As with all the Culture Sex Relationships episodes, this is for over 18s. We swear in this one. In the extra version for Patrons there is a few more minutes chat about the song and also we watch the video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNVuhP8ehdo Hope you like it! Justin

Ask Justin 2: Consent and Vaccine Discourse Mar 02, 2021

Show notes

Here are the questions and some of the links I mentioned "Everyone I know and everyone I follow on social media is very pro-vaccines and so I kind of go along with the crowd on this one, without really knowing much, something I’m not proud of and want to change. All of the discourse I see online is very loud and angry and - I’m sure it’s with good reason - but I struggle to build my own stance on it based on this. I was wondering if you could answer something along the lines of ‘How can we practice consent in discussing and making choices around vaccines whilst also protecting each other and especially the most vulnerable in our society?’ I know it’s a big and sensitive topic (especially at the moment) so totally okay if it’s not something you want to tackle right now but thought I’d put it out there just in case." Freedoms and Covid https://www.bishuk.com/relationships/freedoms-and-covid/ Herd immunity https://www.who.int/news-room/q-a-detail/herd-immunity-lockdowns-and-covid-19 Vaccine hesistancy https://www.bmj.com/content/372/bmj.n513 Going with the cognitive grain paper https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.01483/full “I work with teenagers in my private practice and run a training course for counsellors wishing to work with C & YP I wonder if you could discuss the following question in an 'Ask Justin' show if you feel it would interest your patreons. How to support under 21's in consensual decision-making re sex? I am particularly interested in the decision-making or not of those YP who say the following ' I have to have sex or they will tell everyone at school I won't' ' It's what you do to keep a relationship' 'blow jobs aren't sex and they are expected of course' I am struck by the lack of their knowledge around consent and choice.” https://www.bishuk.com/can-we-talk-about-consent/ https://www.bishuk.com/tag/consent/ https://bishtraining.com/product/the-consent-teaching-pack/ “In response to your invitation for questions for the podcast, I was thinking recently that maybe it's time to query user guides. I think to the extent that they help people reflect and focus on their own needs and desires, it's really helpful. But I think the concept is a bit limiting. It risks fixing people's understanding of their sexuality, and propagating quite a static model of it. If you understand your sexuality is something that evolves over time, and connecting with another person as something that has a possibility of revealing different aspects of it, I'm not sure how user guides could do this justice?” Our zines https://megjohnandjustin.com/publications/ Our episode on this https://megjohnandjustin.com/you/writing-our-own-scripts/ Deleuze and Guattari episode https://culturepowerpolitics.org/podcasts/ Also latest ACFM https://soundcloud.com/novaramedia/acfm-trip-14-desire

It's A Sin Review Feb 23, 2021

Show notes

It’s a Sin Review This week I was delighted to be joined by Silva Neves to talk about It’s A Sin, which is a very popular mini-series on Channel 4 (available to watch here) https://www.channel4.com/programmes/its-a-sin What did we think about the show? As viewers and also our thoughts about the show from our perspectives: psychosexual therapist, sex and relationships educator. Here’s my sex education guide to the show for young people https://www.bishuk.com/your-call/a-sex-and-relationships-guide-to-its-a-sin/ You can get in touch with Silva at: www.silvaneves.co.uk If you want to train in clinical sexology: https://www.theinstituteofsexology.org/ Here are the rough notes that we followed for the show. HIV and homophobia (as I say at the beginning of the episode, we focused on homophobia because that was the focus of the show, but clearly there was also explicit biphobia and racism in the reporting of and handling of the pandemic in the 80s and now) Homophobia increased during the 80s, HIV weaponised by the press and to an extent government in this This homophobia is still with us around HIV and also sex addiction, chemsex ‘the new gay plague’. Problematising sex. Sex Sexual norms Condoms Sexual scripts of what counts as gay eroticism and gay sexuality (what they open up and close down) ‘Real’ sex & ‘real’ gay masculinities and ‘Real’ sex and ‘real’ heterosexualities too (eg Bridgerton) Characters The extent to which they are representative of characters today. Apart from treatment and healthcare, what might be different today? Some more community minded than others (range of different politics). In the extended version we discussed (for another 20 mins or so): Grief and trauma The erasing of sexualities and relationships at funeral Inability to grieve because of secrecy and shame The extent to which we still have this Hangover of the trauma of HIV Importance of stories So many people were lost Difficult to talk about Loss of many potential ‘elders’ The importance of stories of collective joy and pleasure

Meg-John Barker and Alex Iantaffi: Hell Yeah Self Care! Feb 15, 2021

Show notes

I was delighted to be joined today to chat with Meg-John and Alex about their excellent new workbook 'Hell Yeah Self Care!' We chatted about: The importance of self care Why people critique self care Self care as political and anti-capitalist Wellbeing giving self-care a bad name Comparing self-care with the network of care we discussed in the Hologram episode The capacity for doing care and self-care is unfairly distributed Trauma and self-care Reflective self care The kindness cradle of slowness, gentleness, being enough, and consent For the full discussion head to our Patreon where you can hear us chat for another 20 mins about: Somatic self-care Coronavirus, lockdowns and self care It’s really excellent so please do buy it and have a go. It’s playful and interesting whilst also being challenging and gentle. You can get it from most bookshops online, but here’s a nice indie queer publisher https://www.queerlit.co.uk/products/hell-yeah-self-care Justin

Ask Justin 1: How Can I Ask My Bubble If They Want To Have Sex Feb 05, 2021

Show notes

"Hey! I want to say thanks for all your work — it’s great and I’ve recommended this podcast to a bunch of mates. You’re really doing a service here and I’m incredibly appreciative. My question is kinda related to covid bubbles and covid horniness. Is it cool to ask someone you’re bubbling with if they want to have sex? Can you do this in a way which doesn’t mess up the delicate ecosystem of the bubble?/ leaves loads of room for them to say no? And in a way where you can maintain Vibes where you’re comfortable with hanging out whatever the outcome? It seems like there’s pros and cons but wondering what your take is and if you’ve any advice as to how to be really careful with consent around this question." [I realise I answered this question assuming the bubbles live together when they might now, but I think the answer still works] Here were my notes for the answer. Change is inevitable, we're always changing. Even thinking this causes a change. Delicate eco system, how? What processes do you have in place to keep that? How have you navigated the changes? Are you all doing a little bit of work, in an embodied on-going way? Is one person doing a lot of work? What are the rules already about contact, intimacy, sexual chats, flirtation? What is implicit and what is explicit? What would destroy the eco system, what would enhance it? Are delicate eco systems always good? Is there a vibe? God I'm so horny, I wish I could date someone, have they changed sex, I'm so bored of wanking. No vibe no go. Useful to think about what you want from the sex. What kind of sexual, intimate, or sensual contact might do this? Think about what the home means. For some it's a place where it can feel sexy, for others it might really not. Familial warmth, sexy hot times. How might you employ different aspects of your relationship to be able to manage these often competing vibes? Think about your sexuality scale. What meanings does sex have for you? If you're someone who can have friendly sex just like watching a film with a friend or having dinner with them, cool. What about the others? How many are there in a bubble? Who do you want to be involved with? Think about the broader eco system beyond the bubble? Is this just a break glass on case of emergency? What happens after? Is it a fantasy of yours? Acting on crushes - booof First question. I was wondering how you felt about the living situation and how we get on. Open it up to be about all things in the eco system and what's on offer. Say what you want. Having a vague notion that might be up for some sexy times with them is good because if you don't ask you don't get. Ask in a way where there is a range of possible options. Give space and time and allow for awkwardness. If it's not awkward it probably means that someone is going along with something to make you feel at ease. Notice what's going on for you after you've put it out there. What does everyone want the sex to do for them? Something new, excitement, to feel desired, orgasm/pleasure, be in a different headspace, transcend, intense relaxation, to be in a completely different power dynamic (owned, or not in control, not making decisions, sub space) etc. Transactional. One person doing it for another. Expand the range of erotic possibilities that best meet these needs. Start with a couple of things you're both keen on. Red flags for you about sex but also about maintaining the eco system afterwards? Places. Things said. Roles. Sense of an event. A before during after. User guide volume knobs. If you're turning one thing up, do you need to turn other things down? More solo time?

Sex Jams 5: Sexual Healing Jan 29, 2021

Show notes

This week we do one of the best Sex Jams of all time Sexual Healing, by the incredible Marvin Gaye. We love this song so much but have you ever read the lyrics? Marvin is really ill and should not be having sex with anyone, in our opinion. Anyway the song still rocks and the video is amazing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjlSiASsUIs If you would like to hear our commentary on the video check out the extended Patreon version of this episode at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships Pay whatever you can afford. Justin

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