Blended Family Podcast

Latest Episodes:

Episode 16-Bonding Part 2-Step Siblings Mar 02, 2015

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melissa@blendedfamilypodcast.com

www.blendedfamilypodcast.com

Every parent hopes and wishes all of their children get along. Biological children are built with a special bond with their siblings, whereas step siblings do not automatically have this. In the blended family, we want to encourage the step siblings to form bonds and relationships with one another for a strong family dynamic.

Depending on the ages of the children, there are different ways to accomplish this. You want to first try to find common ground between them, and arrange activities they can do together that they enjoy. Sports are good, playing games, or doing projects together are just some ideas. You can also plan family activities that include everyone, such as a trip to the beach, or a picnic.

The process of bonding can take years, and it is not something that can be forced. The more opportunities they have to be together, the better the process should be. There are times when children just will not like one another, and if this is happening in your family, don’t take it personal. Your relationship with your partner should not be affected by this. Their step sibling bond will change and evolve over time, and you and your partner need to allow them the space to maintain their own relationships.

Please comment on the show notes if you have any ideas or suggestions relating to this topic!

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Episode 15-Maintaining Intimacy with Sibel Guelseren Feb 23, 2015

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melissa@blendedfamilypodcast.com

www.blendedfamilypodcast.com

This episode is all about maintaining intimacy with your partner while managing a blended family. It can be so hard to do!

Listen to my conversation with Sibel Guelseren.

Sibel is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Board Certified Addictions Professional, Board Certified Sex Therapist, and Life Coach with over 15 years in Experience. Sibel earned a Master of Education Degree and a Specialist in Education Degree, both specializing in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Florida. She is also a Graduate of CoachU's 3-year prestigious Coaching Program and works with clients on various life and work issues. She is an Approved Supervisor for Marriage and Family Therapist Interns.

Sibel and I talk about many issues that blended families face sexually, such as

high stress levels interfering with sex life
scheduling sex
how to manage privacy issues
how to keep things exciting and fun
communicating about sex
sexual compatibility
past sexual trauma
when to seek professional help

If you want to contact Sibel Guelseren, use the following

By phone at 386-334-3777

Website www.anewcounseling.net

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Episode 14-Bonding Part 1-Stepparent and Stepchild Feb 16, 2015

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melissa@blendedfamilypodcast.com

www.blendedfamilypodcast.com

It is so important to bond with your stepchildren. Your stepchildren will always be a part of your partners life, therefore will be a part of yours. We are all built with an innate quality to love and cherish our children unconditionally. We don’t have the same built in feelings about stepchildren. The relationship with our stepchildren needs work to grow.

Age plays a big role in how we bond with stepchildren.

Elementary school kids are easiest to adapt to their parents new partner. At this age, children are less judgemental and more willing to give and receive love. The best ways to bond with children this age are to do a lot of talking and listening. Discipline is also essential at this age to help establish respect and boundaries. Other ideas are to play together, take part in their daily rituals, or bake something in the kitchen. Love, interest, and attention is what they need to help form a bond.

Pre teens and teenagers are an entirely different situation when it comes to establishing bonds. They can hardly bond with their own biological parents at this age. If they are being difficult, you can’t force a bond. What you can do is gently attempt to connect. Try to engage or start lighthearted conversations, make them a favorite meal, and take an interest in their life. Don’t be discouraged by a moody or angry teenager. They will grow up, and most likely will appreciate your previous efforts.

Adult children who are over 18 can be harder to bond with, as they will be moved on and involved in their own lives at this point. Honor the relationship they have formed with your partner over the years. You can invite them over for holidays and dinners to get opportunities to get to know them better.

If everything you try does not result in a successful stepparent and stepchild relationship, your relationship with your partner doesn’t need to suffer. Everyone in the home should always maintain a level of respect towards one another as a rule. Therapy is a useful tool, and sometimes time makes all the difference. Never give up on trying to bond as a family unit, and working on the special bond between a stepparent and stepchild.

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Episode 13-Healthy Communication in a blended family Feb 09, 2015

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melissa@blendedfamilypodcast.com

www.blendedfamilypodcast.com

Healthy communication is an essential part of any relationship, not only those in blended families. However, in the blended family, communication is key to success. It is important for all members of the family to communicate, not just the parents. I have three tips for healthy communication, which are

Communication is NOT Confrontation
Be open and honest
Listen

1. Communication is not confrontation. This means that when you communicate, it does not need to be a fight, but rather a discussion back and forth. It is important to bring down those defensive walls and allow the space for calm talking.

2. Be open and honest. This seems simple. We need to tell the truth, to ourselves, and our partners. Hiding one’s true feelings only builds anger and resentment. We need to be able to tell the people we love what is on our mind so we can resolve any issues. When it comes to the children, it is also important to keep the lines of communication open. This will become especially important as they enter into the teenage years.

3. Listen. Instead of thinking of the next thing you want to say, you must actually listen to the person as they are speaking to you. This seems obvious, but so many of us are not fully paying attention in our daily conversations. This includes our children, who we often have a tendency to tune out sometimes.

Here are some other ideas to try to encourage healthy communication.

For a shy child who keeps their feelings to themselves, purchase a special notebook just for the two of you to share, where they can ask a question, or talk about their feelings.

Practice repeating back information you are given for effective communication. So when someone voices a complaint, you repeat back what they are saying so they know you are truly engaged with them.

Last, do not use the children as messengers to deliver information to an ex. This is unfair, confusing, and usually causes a problem. Communication with an ex should be done just with you and your ex, whether by speaking, email, or text.

You will find that your family will thrive when you can achieve healthy communication. It is something that you must continuously work on, but it is so worth it in the long run.

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Episode 12-Interview with Heather Rampolla-Health and Meal time in a blended family Feb 02, 2015

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melissa@blendedfamilypodcast.com

www.blendedfamilypodcast.com

Dont miss this great interview with Heather Rampolla!

Heather Rampolla is stepmom to two teenage daughters, host of Fresh Eats Radio and creator of Fresh Eats Detox. She helps busy moms, wives & entrepreneurs rid of overwhelm when trying to eat healthy… you know, like picky eaters, or fitting in real foods when you’re managing a busy schedule. She teaches you how to easily add in more of the good stuff so you can look good & feel good.

Heather has been featured in Mind Body Green, Kris Carr’s Crazy Sexy Wellness Revolution, Organic Eats Magazine, Real Foods Witch, The Mogul Mom, and more.

Blended Families face extra challenges when it comes to feeding a family and being healthy. Kids are bouncing back and forth from home to home, which makes it really hard to establish rules when it comes to food. Teaching your children to make healthy choices is a challenge and so is getting everyone on board. Heather has some great advice on how to manage all this and even save some time so you are not living in the kitchen.

After you listen to this conversation, please visit Heather Rampolla at her website and her podcast.

Here are all of Heather’s links:

Thanks for listening

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Episode 11-Fighting Part 2 / Kids Jan 26, 2015

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melissa@blendedfamilypodcast.com

www.blendedfamilypodcast.com

All siblings fight, and this is a natural part of the process of growing up. In a blended family, it doesn’t seem so natural when the step siblings fight. This causes of lot of stress and unease on the parents. It is actually one of the biggest problems blended families will face. There are many reasons why the kids will fight, and there are right and wrong ways to deal with it.

An obvious reason why the step siblings fight is that they just may not like each other at all. When two people get together and create a life, we cannot control all of the family dynamics and relationships of all involved. They may not like one another because they haven’t gotten a chance to get to know each other better, or they may never like each other at all. Either way, you and your partner cannot ruin your relationship over this. The kids will grow up and have lives of their own. Help them through by talking about it, and if things don’t improve, you can limit their time together.

Another reason for dislike can be jealousy, whether the children are aware of it or not. Jealousy can arise from feelings of insecurity, or from their comparing lives. When children are jealous, it usually resolves itself as the children get older.

Last, some kids fight because this is natural for kids to do. If you grew up with siblings, chances are you fought with your brothers or sisters too. If stepchildren are close enough to fight, that can be a sign that they view themselves as true family.

As a parent, this can be a very difficult stage to go through, and it can put a strain on your relationship. Together, you must decide how you are going to handle these quarrels. Make a pact that you won’t allow it to come between you both, and also that you will stand as a team.

Some things to remember

never disagree in front of the kids
never choose sides
always be fair with discipline and/or punishment
set rules in advance of what is not going to be tolerated
teach children how to communicate with each other
don’t apologize to your partner for your child’s behavior

Even though this can be very trying on your relationship, you will make it through. Stay close to your partner, because it is you two who will be left with one another when the kids are grown and out of the house. Kids will be kids, and we aren’t in control of what they do. This is just a season in your life, and you will need patience and love to get through it.

Please comment on the show notes if you have any ideas on helping kids to work things out. Also feel free to share your personal stories for other listeners to give them hope.

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Episode 10-Fighting Part 1 / Parents Jan 19, 2015

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melissa@blendedfamilypodcast.com

www.blendedfamilypodcast.com

Parents in blended families face extra stress and difficulties, which can create some tension on the relationship. This can lead to excess fighting between the adults, and this can be damaging to your blended family. Some of the most common causes of arguments could be ex partners, children, money, and scheduling.

There are ways to overcome this by learning healthy methods and strategies. You want to make sure you are fighting fair. There are good and bad ways to resolve conflicts. First step is to stop using the word fight, which is defined as battle, or combat. Let’s replace that word with “argument,” or “disagreement.”

You and your partner may have very different styles of handling a conflict, and this in itself can cause a huge problem. Start paying attention to the way you speak to each other. Avoid using hurtful and negative language. Avoid yelling and being accusatory. Instead try replacing with more positive language, and learn to walk away if you can’t, so you can avoid saying things you may regret later. The children are watching your behavior and interactions, and you want to be a good model. Arguments should not be taken in front of the children.

Arguing over the children is the most common type of disagreement a blended family faces. Do not do this in front of the child. Talk alone about discipline styles and how you feel things should be handled.

Remember that all relationships endure tough times, and it is perfectly fine and expected to not always agree. Relationships take work and care. Communication is key to get through blended a family together properly.

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE to make this work!

Thank you for listening!

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Episode 09-Disrespectful Exes Jan 12, 2015

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melissa@blendedfamilypodcast.com

www.blendedfamilypodcast.com

Almost every divorced couple deals with a disrespectful ex at some point or another after their divorce. If you haven’t, then chances are your new partner may be dealing with it.

Some of the most common issues you may face with a disrespectful ex are

an ex who is trying to turn the kids against you
an ex who refuses to honor your new partner
an ex who is all around difficult to try to hurt you

If your ex is trying to turn your children against you, you want to first make sure you do not retaliate by trying to turn the kids against your ex. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Try to get to the bottom of the situation by determining what exactly is being said and why. You can have age appropriate conversations with the kids about what has taken place so they can hear the truth from you. Always be honest with them, but if you feel they aren’t ready to know the details, by all means, do not share them. Explain to them that you will be able to disclose more as they get older. Try to have a conversation with your ex as to how damaging this can be to your children, but if that doesn’t work, you must do damage control.

If you are dealing with an ex who refuses to accept the fact that you have moved on, or simply doesn’t accept your choice of a new partner, it can be very stressful to your new relationship. Figuring out why is the first step. It really helps to understand why your ex is harboring these feelings of anger or hatred. Determine if there is any basis for the feelings or they are completely unwarranted. These feelings usually stem from jealousy of you moving on, or over there being another parent in the child’s life. Talking to your ex about their feelings may help, but most likely you will have to allow this to get better over time. When you figure out what you think is the root cause, you can see if there is something you can do to help along the process. Sometimes they will never accept this person, and in that case, you need to support your current partner, as this is your ex’s problem.

It is always tough to deal with an ex that tries to get back at you by being difficult and purposely going out of their way to break rules. Even though this can be troubling for you, it is best not to show them it is bothering you. Their sole purpose right now is to make you miserable, so you must show them that is not going to work. The children are watching your behavior, so it is a must you live with integrity and don’t strike back.

The issue of a disrespectful ex can drive a wedge in your current relationship, with your kids and your new partner. It is helpful to recognize that this is the ex’s issue, not yours, and that this common issue usually resolves in time.Your children are growing up fast, and once they are grown, your contact with your ex will be a thing of the past.

Thank you for listening!

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Episode 08-Dealing with Finances in a blended family Jan 05, 2015

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melissa@blendedfamilypodcast.com

Dealing with finances is an issue that every couple must face. However, it is much more difficult in a blended family. There are usually more issues in a blended family, such as child support, separate debts and assets, and financial involvements with exes.

The issue of finances is best discussed early on in the relationship to avoid pitfalls in the future. Some topics to discuss are

handling of income
handling of expenses
handling of bank accounts
future financial planning

You must decide if you are sharing your income, and a lot of that will depend on how much you each make and what each of your financial obligations are.

Expenses are a much more tricky topic. You both need to figure out who is handling what expenses. How will you divide home expenses and debt? Who is going to pay the bills? Are you going to take care of your previous debts together or handle that separately? These are all issues you must face and talk about together. Child expenses should mostly be shared, but again, some of this depends on ages of children and what their needs are.

There are three options on how to handle the bank accounts. You can have completely separate accounts if you both want to keep everything separate. You will need to decide who is paying for what if you do this. Another option is to have one pooled account that all of your money goes in and is totally shared. Last you can decide to have three accounts, each your own account and then one joint account. Again, here you would need to decide who is paying what and how much you will each contribute into the joint account.

Future financial planning includes things like deciding whether to have a prenuptial agreement and dealing with life insurance.

All finances in the relationship should be discussed openly and honestly to insure success in the future.

Comment on the show notes if you have any advice or tips you want to share!

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Episode 07-Determining Schedules and Visitation Dec 29, 2014

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melissa@blendedfamilypodcast.com

There are a lot of factors to think about when determining your visitation schedule for your blended family.

You and your partner will already have a divorce agreement set in place that determines your basic schedule or agreement on visitation. Once you blend families, you will need to decide how to make that work for everyone.

The big question is, should you have all of the kids from both sides share visitation or keep them separate.

First you want to look at how all of the kids get along together. If they fight excessively and cannot resolve their differences, you may want to keep them separated. However, you must keep in mind that in order for them to get over their differences, they need an opportunity to get to know each other better. If step siblings do argue, you must remember that this is just as normal as biological siblings fighting. The main thing is that you don’t let that come between you and your partner.

Also consider the quality time you have with your children. If having all of the kids together is hard because the kids feel slighted, you could separate them in order to have more on on one time with them. Though this isn’t the best option because they may never learn the importance of equality in the home. A better way around this is to sneak quality time in when you can, even if it is short. Take a child with you when running an errand or plan an alone meal with them. This is usually all kids need to get that connection they crave.

Most important of all, think about your time with your partner, and insuring that you both get a chance to connect as a couple. If you never have the kids together, chances are you will never get a break, unless you have a great babysitter lined up. It’s nice when you have a weekend to yourself, and you can plan your visitation that way.

No matter what you decide, you can adjust your schedule as needed. Try different options until you figure out what works best for your family.

Comment on the show notes if you have any helpful advice to share on this topic.

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