Betrayal Trauma Recovery

Learn More about BTR Group Sessions — **Divorce And Emotional Abuse – Felicia Checks In 9 Months Later** Sep 09, 2025
Divorce isn’t just paperwork—it’s a complex emotional and logistical process that’s almost impossible to navigate alone. Divorce and emotional abuse go hand-in-hand. If you’re struggling after divorce, the right support can make all the difference.

**This episode is part of a series**:

**This episode follows Felicia’s Story**
Part 1: *This Is Why You’re Not Codependent – Felicia’s Story*
Part 2: Divorce and Emotional Abuse – Felicia Checks in 9 Months Later (THIS EPISODE)

If you’re a woman going through the pain of a divorce, you don’t have to go through it alone. We are here to help with three easy-to-use resources that can support you as you heal and get back on your feet. Plus, you can access all of them online from anywhere.

1. The Right Information

Did you know that many women are/were emotionally abused to the point that it resulted in divorce. But they blamed themselves (not knowing it was emotional abuse)??

Do you feel confused by your soon-to-ex’s behavior? Does he blame you for his affair or for the divorce? Are you questioning your own reality and emotions? Our **Free Emotional Abuse Quiz** can help you identify what actually happened.

By understanding the true cause of the divorce, you can start making quick forward progress toward healing.

The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast helps women understand emotional abuse, manipulation, and recovery after betrayal. Most episodes feature a woman sharing her story. Listening to these stories can help you feel seen, give you clarity, and show you actionable next steps for your own healing.

2. The Right Support

Healing doesn’t happen in isolation—it happens in a community of women who truly understand what you’re going through. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions are designed to offer just that.

Picture joining a support session from your couch, your kitchen, or even your car. First, you meet a group of kind women who understand what you’re going through, because they’ve been through tough times too.

Hearing other women share their stories helps you feel understood. When you share your story, you get support and advice instead of judgment. Plus, these daily sessions are easy to join and won’t cost too much. There are more than 21 sessions every week, so it’s easy to find one that works for you. The women running the sessions have been through similar experiences, so they know how to provide the support you need.

3. The Right Strategy For Healing

Healing from divorce requires more than information and support—it takes strategy to achieve your goals. That’s where the **Living Free Workshop** gives you simple steps to protect your emotions and mind. Whether you’re still married, separated, or already divorced, this workshop can help. You’ll learn easy tools to understand your ex-husband’s actions and figure out what he might do next.

This workshop has 65 short video lessons, and each one is only about 3 minutes long. Plus, it comes with a free, printable workbook. And 13 Meditations. You’ll learn simple techniques to help you escape his chaos and control. With easy steps and clear instructions, you’ll know exactly what to do next.

Transcript: Divorce And Emotional Abuse

**Anne:** Everyone knows divorce isn’t just paperwork. It’s a complex emotional and logistical process that’s almost impossible to navigate alone. Divorce and emotional abuse go hand in hand. So if you’re struggling after divorce, or making the decision to divorce, the right support can make all the difference.

Welcome back, Felicia.

**Felicia:** Thank you so much.

Felicia’s Community Struggles

**Anne:** When I interviewed you five months ago, you felt rightfully very sad and frustrated. Because your community had turned against you, and you felt alone because of divorce and emotional abuse. Can you talk about what’s happened in the months since you came on the podcast?

**Felicia:** At the time I was about to get a divorce. I thought my whole community supported me. So it was like the bottom dropped out when I got the divorce, and my ex managed to turn everybody against me. I had people calling me and telling me how awful I was. And I said before it was not happy for me to meet someone in the grocery store.

It felt like, how could I be right and all these people be wrong? I felt like I had been in a safe place, like a good place when I got the divorce. I felt really healthy. And then suddenly I started to question my health, and in Christianity, you learn you can’t be the only right person.

So you need your community to help tell you if you’re wrong. If everybody says you’re wrong, you probably are. And that just wasn’t the case. I had to find where I was and cheer myself on. Because integrity is when you are right and have to stand alone. And that’s actually what I was doing.

**Anne:** During our last interview, you were really struggling. What changed?

The Role Of Meditation In Healing

**Felicia:** I did the Betrayal Trauma Meditations in The Living Free Workshop, and it was just … like I’m already traumatized. Why do I need to work so hard? The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Meditations give me truth that I think about and think about. Meditate on that. It’s true things about me, believing myself and regaining confidence. And that’s what I’ve done. I have my confidence back.

I feel like my brain is healthy for the first time in a long time. I’ve have community now. I attribute a lot of the confidence I have from the Meditation Workshop and the truth. It led me to be my own best friend, know the truth about myself. And stop second guessing myself based on how everybody’s treating me. I first started playing the meditations while I went on a walk, and I would just think about the meditations as I walked.

They were all centered around the truth about who I am as a person. And they helped me. Because I needed the truth about who I am in the meditations. And I didn’t need to dig and try to change. It was right there for me.

**Anne:** Yeah, I love that about the betrayal meditations.

That women don’t need to change or be anything different. Who they are right now is good enough, is exactly who they need to be.

**Felicia:** Women need to learn about how beautiful they already are. The only thing that needs to change is for them to realize the truth about themselves. Last time we talked, I wasn’t that spunky about finding new friends. Because I was still so upset that my other friends dropped me, and dealing with divorce and emotional abuse.

Finding Support During Divorce And Emotional Abuse

**Felicia:** And I just figured, why find new ones, it’s going to be less real? But what happened is I just kept going to this church, and it’s really small. And they’re like older women. Lately, I needed help legally, because I’m fighting against my ex. I needed some people to write letters. And I’ve been going there a year now. They know what’s happened to me, and they’re just for me.

Everything I want to do, they want to back me up on, and they have seen me be a mom. And they think I’m really good. And it wasn’t until I needed these letters written that I realized I have so many people that are helping me at a time that I really need it. Whereas all my friends have always been out of convenience, and then conveniently dropped off when I needed help. They weren’t helping when I went through divorce.

I realized I still had lifelong friends that I hadn’t kept up with. And now I’m realizing how many people I have. But more importantly, the depth of support they’ve brought me.

**Anne:** When I interviewed you nine months ago, you thought you had no one. But, I’m gonna restate here and see if I’m hearing you correctly. Number one, You didn’t realize there were more people who supported you than you thought, but also maybe number two, that many of those people you mourned their loss.

**Felicia:** Yeah, I was in a time when you’re believing two realities. I know everyone said they’re not your real friends. But they felt so real, and then when the rubber hit the road, they weren’t actually there at all.

Enemies Moved!

**Felicia:** I was mad. I wish they hadn’t left me, and supported my ex, who was abusive. They knew he was abusive, inauthentic, and still left me. I don’t want friends like that, but I wanted friends like that. They were my friends, now I fully realize how unfriendly they were. They were my enemies. I call them my enemies now, because they were mean to me when I thought I had their support. And I was dealing with divorce and emotional abuse, it was all so heavy.

So now I’m fully realizing who they were. I guess, because I fully realized who I am and how I’ve only been trying to do the right thing. Not only did I not do anything wrong, I’ve been trying to do everything right. And found myself, and I don’t want them in my life. And they just happened to be moving out of town now, which is awesome. I can’t believe that happened.

**Anne:** That is awesome. I had a neighbor I did not like, and I actually put on my miracle board, which is like a vision board, that they move. I wrote on there that this family moves, and I walked out of my house one day. The for sale sign was in their front yard. And I was like, yes!

**Felicia:** I know, that’s how I feel. It was actually my pastor’s wife, like my best friend, who chewed me out and like swore at me on the phone. On the way to this interview, I just drove by your house and the for sale was at the end of her lane, just like you said, and I was like, YES!

**Anne:** Just now? You just saw it?

Legal Battles & Emotional Struggles

**Felicia:** Yes, I just saw it now. Yes, I just found out about all these people moving last week. I found out about all three of them moving on the same week.

**Anne:** That is awesome. I’m so happy for you.

**Felicia:** Yeah, I’m like, I can go to the store now. And I have my local church all to myself without all these hateful people around me. Someone has told me they’re afraid of me, and that’s why they’re leaving. It’s this spiritual thing, but honest to goodness, I became healthy, and now I found out they were gone.

**Anne:** So you’re feeling good, which is awesome. That’s the benefit of living free. Even when you’re still in a tough situation, you can start feeling peace inside. So you’ve struggled with his legal and emotional abuse during divorce. Right after the divorce, he started suing you for all sorts of things.

**Felicia:** Yes, since the divorce, he immediately started legal pursuit, and it was hard because his abuse was always hidden. And he got more aggressive, so my family got to see who he really was, for themselves. But the legal pursuit has been really hard. Before I did the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop, I tried to give him what he wanted so that he would leave me alone. And then I found out that you don’t give an abuser what they want, so they’ll leave you alone.

They’re bullies, and they’re always gonna just make it worse. It has escalated to the point where he’s telling lies in court under oath about me.

Finding Strength To Withstand Emotional Abuse While Dealing With Divorce

**Felicia:** But what’s good about it is that anytime we’ve had a hearing and a trial is coming up, the judge has ruled in my favor. And I was just overlooking that because I was so scared and I feel so powerless. But the judge surprised me this last time and ruled that we keep the child support the same. I thought he was going to drop it, and then my lawyer told me, do what’s best for your family, and that’s all you need to do.

And when the judge asks you why you did something, you can tell him that you actually thought it was what was best for your family. And it was that statement that started to make me feel free again, because I was like, why do I need a lawyer to tell me to do what’s right for my family? Why did I not feel like I could do that?

But in this legal battle, I honestly felt like I don’t even know if I can do what’s right for my family. Because of the gaslighting to where they make you question whether you’re doing something right. And when my lawyer said that, it made me realize, yeah, I can do what’s right for my family. And then the excuse I will give will be that I thought it was right for my family.

**Anne:** That’s exactly what it was. You are trying to do the right thing. They are not trying to do the right thing. I’m so happy to hear that you have a good attorney and had a good ruling. That is rare when you’re dealing with divorcing an emotional abuser.

The Path To Healing & Safety

**Anne:** Did you think nine months ago that you would feel the way you feel now?

**Felicia:** Months ago, you told me it would get better, and you encouraged me to the point that I was like, oh my word. We could do an interview again, and I could see if I could heal. I had a Betrayal Trauma Recovery coach talk to me at the beginning and say, what do you want? I actually said, I want to be a better mom and stop yelling at my kids. And I felt like that was totally unrelated to what I was going through. She said, that’s what’s going to happen then.

And she started asking me, what do you want here? What do you want there? And I wanted these healthy things, she said, you’ll get those healthy things. And now? I’ve tried and tried over the last months, plus the whole time I’ve been divorced. I’ve been like, where is my healing? I still felt traumatized by the emotional abuse. And what surprised me the most was that I was just striving. And suddenly it just came.

I attributed it to God, but when I went on Facebook, in a healing from trauma group, and shared that God healed me. They said, would you please put trigger warning, religion? And I was like, no, it wasn’t religion at all. Like, none of the religion healed me. God healed me. And bam, I just want people to be encouraged that you can be trying to heal, trying to heal. And then suddenly it will come.

The Power Of Validation & Safety

**Anne:** The healing comes when we’re validated, and when we’re safe. The safety is the healing. So maybe something to consider is that the reason why you healed is because you learned safety strategies. You learned how to protect yourself, and over time you got more and more safe from the emotional abuse. Like the judge ruling in your favor. That is instant healing.

**Felicia:** Yeah.

**Anne:** Justice is a form of instant healing. If your ex moves to a different state and never talked to you again. That is instant healing.

**Felicia:** Oh my word, yeah.

**Anne:** People who say you need to learn how to deal with it. You just need to learn blah, blah, blah. I’m like, no, she just needs to not be abused anymore.

**Felicia:** Yes.

**Anne:** She needs to be in a safe place. And when you’re in safety, healing happens. I saw that same thing. And I struggled with post divorce abuse for eight years. I lost a court case, and then I was like, I’ve got to figure this out. I need strategies. That’s when I discovered the Living Free message strategies. It’s also when I wrote the meditations for myself. I did the meditations myself, then used the Living Free strategies and delivered my kids.

Healing From Emotional Abuse With Workshops & Dance

**Anne:** My ex basically signed the kids away out of court. And when they brought me safety, and then I replicated that with other victims. And they told me how amazing these strategies were. Once I knew they worked for everyone, not just for me, I wrote them in the Living Free Workshop so that everyone could learn them. He signed the kids away. And I was instantly healed.

Instant, because we’re not crazy. There’s nothing wrong with us. Our husbands abuse us. For women listening, if they’re like, that’s great, but that doesn’t help that it just comes. What am I supposed to do in the meantime, right? Let’s talk about this. Things that you did in the meantime, you enrolled in Living Free. You did the Meditations. Can you talk about the dance class?

**Felicia:** It’s actually an app, and I’m just dancing every day. I always wanted to dance through my pregnancies and stuff because it’s so healthy. But I’ve never danced. So I just wanted to learn the different types of dancing, and I try to dance for 10 minutes a day. Everything, little by little, is helping. I’m also on depression medication. So part of me wants to be like, Oh, it’s just that, but no, I’ve been on depression medication before. It’s not that.

Actually, you know what I think happened? My ex always wanted me to think everything was me. It was all me. I had to change and become better. I talked in our last episode about how I thought I was a monster when I got married. And I always thought everything was my fault, and that wasn’t true. That was because of emotional abuse that I felt this way.

Understanding Exploitative Behavior

**Felicia:** That abuse mindset, where everything’s my fault, and it’s all because of me. Is what he wants me to think. And that’s what he still wants me to think. But the good thing is, the healthier I became, the more distant we became. And that’s exactly what’s happening now. I found myself divorced from the emotional abuse. So yeah, things are super hard still, the abuse is rampant. We have a trial coming up, but there is something about focusing on the truth.

**Anne:** In the Living Free Workshop, it talks about how these men are exploitative. They want to exploit you, they don’t want you to go away. They want you close, so they can exploit you for energy. Your ex loves to play the victim in court right now. “She’s ruining me. She’s doing this.” And he feels like court is a great place to showcase how you’ve wronged him. But if you had wronged him, wouldn’t he want to be away from you?

That’s how we can tell the victims from the perpetrators. After divorce and emotional abuse, victims desperately want to be away from them. We don’t ever have to talk again. I don’t want to have anything to do with you. And the abusers are the ones who are like, wait, I can’t exploit her anymore. What excuse can I use to message her? Oh, maybe I left my rock collection at her house, which they never cared about before, ever, ever.

And then suddenly they’re like, this is the most important thing to me. And you took it from me when they could have just picked it up. So that exploitative character keeps them around.

Living Free Strategies

**Anne:** So the Living Free strategies are how to be unexploitable. Which does escalate them for a second. Because they’re like, wait, wait, wait. I was using her for this, and now I can’t use her anymore. But then eventually, there’s nothing for them to hold on to.

**Felicia:** I am still waiting for him to finally de-escalate. But, yeah, I use the Living Free strategies exclusively. That’s the only thing I use to communicate with him. It was life changing. I only use those because they are so helpful. I go back to them. Let’s see, how should I respond to this right now? And it is helpful.

**Anne:** Well, with your dancing, the meditations, living free and message strategies, I’m so happy to hear. That even though it’s still hard, you are feeling better from the abuse. Felicia, thanks for coming back on and giving us an update.

**Felicia:** Thank you so much.

Is It Codependency Or Abuse? — **This is Why You’re Not Codependent – Felicia’s Story** Sep 02, 2025
Felicia spent years wondering if she was codependent. She didn’t realize she was experiencing emotional and psychological abuse. If you’re wondering if you’re codependent. Hopefully Felicia’s story can help you see why you’re not codependent.

If you’re experiencing emotional abuse check out our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Schedule, we’d love to see you in a session.

**This episode follows Felicia’s Story**
Part 1: *This Is Why You’re Not Codependent – Felicia’s Story* (THIS EPISODE)
Part 2: Divorce and Emotional Abuse – Felicia Checks in 9 Months Later

You’re Not Codependent, You’re Seeking Safety

Often, Betrayal Trauma victims have little to no control over their own bodies, privacy, finances, and other aspects of their lives. This leads many women to engage in safety-seeking behaviors. She’s trying to protect herself, which is good! Some people want to put these healthy behaviors in a negative light. They call her codependent, misleading her.

They tell her to blame herself: “What have YOU done to contribute to the problem?” This wrong advice helps the abuser continue to harm her. It also makes it harder for the victim to set healthy boundaries.

But What If I Am Actually Codependent?

Many women find that after they create distance between herself and emotional and psychological abuse, what they thought were “character flaws” often fade away. These traits were really healthy resistance to abuse. They helped her protect herself. She’s not codependent.

Transcript: This is Why You’re Not Codependent

**Anne:** I have a member of our community, we’re going to call her Felicia, on today’s episode. Welcome, Felicia.

**Felicia:** Thank you.

**Anne:** I’m so grateful you’re sharing your story with us. We’re going to be addressing the label of codependent. But let’s start at the beginning. Can you talk about how he seemed to you at first?

**Felicia:** We met at a Bible college and the first thing that I asked is, Could I use his book? Because I didn’t want to buy the professor’s book. He said, Oh, this is a wonderful book. I’ll buy it for you. I want to tell you my intentions are not to hit on you or to flirt with you. So I love that he was so straightforward and didn’t have any other intentions.

We became friends because I believed that he said what he meant. We fell in love, but there was no flirting, we didn’t have the same friends. So I was like, this is really weird, but I really, really like you. But it’s not like this desperate feeling, and that’s how we started off.

**Felicia:** It was a long distance relationship at first.

Questioning His Intentions

**Anne:** Looking back, do you think that he was being honest or do you think he really did have intentions to have a relationship with you?

**Felicia:** I think he just told me what I wanted to hear. I was like, it’s not this desperate feeling. And he was like, me either. So let’s not date right away. I thought we would date. Because we both just told each other we liked each other.

It was the relationship I thought I wanted at first. Except for lack of an emotional side to it. But yeah looking back, I think he just is really good at picking up on what people want to hear. Then filling that in.

**Anne:** Like low key. Hey, we’re just friends. Type grooming.

**Anne:** How did it transition into dating?

**Felicia:** I was just leaving the area. He said, yeah, let’s just do emails and phone calls. He said, I want you to pray about this for one week, that we should be boyfriend and girlfriend. I was just kind of disappointed that there wasn’t this emotional connection. I didn’t have any boyfriends through life to speak of. He said I want you to think about what you need in a relationship. Then we dated long distance still just talking on the phone.

Crossing Boundaries, Starting The Label Of Codependent

**Felicia:** It wasn’t gooey at all. They were like really good conversations. That to me was the perfect part of our relationship. Very good conversations about how we felt and thought. They weren’t long and drawn out. It was just fun to talk to him and then we started setting boundaries.

He said, We’re probably going to pursue each other for marriage. Also, I think that I should come and get you. He was in Georgia and wanted to come to Idaho to get me. He said we should live in the same community if we’re going to see if we’re fit for marriage. We laid down physical boundaries, and I was like, okay, cool. I definitely don’t want to get over involved physically before I’m married. He said he needed these boundaries for himself.

But as soon as we saw each other, we started crossing the boundaries that we had laid. It didn’t feel good. I didn’t like it. By the time we were back to our destination, where we were going to live in the same town. I was kind of like, what did I get into? And that was when we were dating. We weren’t even engaged yet. We got engaged several months later and married the next year.

**Anne:** So at this time, you’re thinking, all that stuff we talked about. The boundaries that we set up, he didn’t adhere to any of them. Do you feel like you were coerced into it? He’s already setting you up to be responsible for him not keeping the boundary, and you identifying as codependent.

Engagement

**Felicia:** Yeah, I thought it was sinning. And he was like, we can pray for peace and forgiveness. Because Jesus will give us that. It would feel so good and amazing and freeing, then within hours a day or whatever later, we’d be at it again. He would say that I was seducing him. Which I would feel really bad about. So I just thought I was bad. And we went to our family and our church and told them, we’re in sin.

We’re not having it, but we’re breaking boundaries. And we tried to get help, and I thought, we just can’t resist each other. So then when we got engaged, I thought, let’s just get married right away. At least we have that connection.

Early Marriage Struggles

**Felicia:** But when we got married, it immediately stopped. We didn’t have a connection. We had a really bad beginning of marriage, no honeymoon spot, we would fight. I thought, Oh, it’s because we were sinful before. But I married thinking I was pure and it was confusing. How did we struggle so bad before marriage? Now that we’re married, it immediately stopped.

**Anne:** He’s basically saying, I’m so attracted to you that I cannot keep my hands off you. So even though I’ve set these boundaries, it’s impossible to keep them. Because I’m so attracted to you. Don’t worry about it because we can just call on Jesus, he understands and we’ll both be fine. We can repent and yet he never actually repents because he keeps doing it.

Then you get married and then he’s just not attracted to you anymore, apparently. Because now it’s very easy for him to avoid physical contact. Is that what I’m hearing?

**Felicia:** You said it all right. He made a lot of excuses. So that period of the marriage lasted 12 years. I lived in like a giant fog of why our intimate life had never been ignited once we got married.

Emotional Disconnect

**Felicia:** It was kind of the big red flag, but emotionally we didn’t connect. We had a really bad honeymoon and after that he would say things like, it is just emotional for me. So if we’re not connected, I don’t want to have it with you. Things like that, that made me feel like, well, I can’t force him.

Over 12 years, I mean, we started having kids together. My drive waned, so it was kind of like, well, it’s no big deal now. But I would ask things like, why he thought it was like that. And one time he just said, he was going through medical school so it was so strenuous. I just looked up things and thought, I bet he’s too busy.

**Anne:** He was using any excuse he could get his hands on. Anything that he heard, maybe women are like, Oh, I’m not emotionally connected so I don’t want to have it. Which was not his case. Because I’m guessing we’re going to find out real soon that he’s having it with someone else. But he’s just trying to grab hold of any excuse he can. To groom you into thinking it’s your fault that he’s not interested.

When did you find out about the explicit materials use or the infidelity?

Discovering The Truth

**Felicia:** After twelve years of marriage. So it was in twenty, twenty one. I think it was the Holy Spirit coming into my intuition, cause I was just like, something is wrong. For some reason it’s bothering me more now, and I’m not gonna let it stop bothering me. I had gone to lots of counseling over the years, and never really found a problem with me.

I went through a major lifestyle program, like residential treatment program for depression. That always owned up to being postpartum depressed and seasonal depression and all this stuff. Finally was like, you know what? It’s my marriage.

Then I went to counseling and being like, it’s my marriage, help me. But at this point in time, I couldn’t sleep. I was just crying all the time. I was pregnant with our fourth kid, but I was like, this is not the same thing as pregnancy hormones. This is something deeper.

So I just started digging and finding it on his device and I was like, the kids could have found this.

You got to make sure that this doesn’t pop up on your computer screen. And he’s like, yeah, you’re right. That’s really bad. I’ll make sure I don’t leave that up anymore. But then I dug and dug and dug and kept saying, tell me the whole truth. Because I need to know that I know everything, because I’m finding images on his device.

**Anne:** You’re finding lots of exploitative material and he’s giving excuses or saying, I don’t know.

**Felicia:** Just kind of acting like he used a thing to watch movies. It would just pop up so he would just exit back out, you know? That’s all it is.

Gaslighting & Blame

**Felicia:** One thing that he’d never done is ever had a big problem he’d been sorry about. I’d had like, a number of problems but he’d never been like, you know what, here’s this big issue or problem. I feel like In marriages two people usually have problems, but in our marriage, it was always just me.

**Anne:** Tell me more about that. Was it like, Oh, I have a problem with my friend, for example. Or I have a problem because I’m sick. Or was it like, you mean just like general everyday problems that humans have? Like he didn’t have any of these regular problems.

**Felicia:** He didn’t have regular problems. I would be like, do you think you’re a sinner? And he’s like, oh yeah, of course I’m a sinner. But he never had any confession of like, you know what, I feel really bad about this. He didn’t actually even say sorry, so I didn’t learn about gaslighting until much later. But If I came to him with, like, this makes me feel bad, when this happens. It would turn into, like, you don’t know how hard it is to have a depressed wife.

Emotional Abuse

**Felicia:** Or, he was now in medical residency, so he’s like, I think you have ADD. So I actually went to my own doctor saying, like, I think I might have ADD. And my doctor was like, No, you don’t have ADD at all. He didn’t even seem like he had problems. I was like, I guess he’s this amazing person, I guess I’m just a monster. I decided when I got married that I was a monster and I never knew that I was. When we ever had a problem, it would go back to, I bet he hasn’t forgiven me.

For how badly I treated him when we were first married. That’s what I decided it was, I just treated him really bad.

He’s like a super awesome guy. And he just can’t forgive me because he’s so sensitive. I hurt him that bad. He never had any offerings for why our marriage sucked. So I would offer things.

**Anne:** But he wouldn’t.

**Felicia:** Yeah, he would never.

**Anne:** Abusers have a very distinct pattern. They only start their story after the real victim has started to resist the abuse. So the beginning of your marriage, you’re being abused and you’re trying to resist this abuse.

He starts the story with like, everything was fine. Nothing was wrong. Suddenly she started treating me really bad rather than saying, I actually coerced her. And made her seem like I was super attracted to her. And then we got married and I completely ignored her and didn’t have it with her at all.

Realizing The Extent Of Abuse

**Anne:** And I was a complete jerk, and then she was trying to resist me being terrible. If they started the story there, it would make sense. But instead they’re like, “Yeah, everything was fine.” We got married. I thought our marriage was great. They don’t tell people I was refusing to have it with her. I was giving her the impression I wasn’t into to her.

So then when people hear his side of the story. They’re like, Wow, she just out of the blue is like super mad at you.

**Felicia:** The other thing is there’s this common, I don’t know if that’s like a religious thing or whatever. But where like the man’s passive and the woman pushes him to not be passive. And that pushing to not be passive is really bad. That’s what I did. I was like, you know what, that was really bad that I pushed him to not be passive.

I would let myself get all enraged at his passiveness. But looking back, it was like this passive aggression that he knew he was doing. And like, silent treatments, he’s very argumentative. Somehow he would like, shut down right when I ignited. Anyway, so I learned to like, turn that off. And stop pushing him, especially so that we could have children.

Cause he said, we can’t have children until I stop this aggression and our marriage gets better. So I like became someone who just swallowed everything. Now I go back and I’m seeing there was a beautiful woman inside of me clawing. Saying, this is wrong. Something is completely messed it up and I disagree. And I’m not just going to go along with it.

Confronting The Truth

**Felicia:** That’s what happened. I became someone who just went along with stuff. I didn’t I didn’t talk to him very much at all because he was just going to disagree. We were going to have an argument so I just listened to him. He would just go on and on and on and on. He was a like a monologue-er. That’s where we were when I found it.

I finally said I have to know everything. And he was like, oh, no, you know everything. And I said, okay, I’m never gonna talk to you about this again. I’m gonna ask you one more time. Do I know everything? Have you told me the whole truth about this exploitative materials use that I keep finding? And he said, yes. So I said, okay, I’m never going to talk about it again.

I wrote him an email, because I couldn’t sleep at night. And I was like, I know that there’s something wrong. I said that either Satan’s tormenting me. Or the Holy Spirit’s trying to communicate something to me. And that’s when he said, okay, let’s talk. That’s when he took me on a walk, and we dropped the kids off.

Then he told me the whole truth about the previous 12 years. And how he’d watched this off and on. He said it was like, good exploitative material, it wasn’t violent, or whatever. He said he’d done that off and on for 12 years, actually his whole life.

Keeping It Secret

**Anne:** I feel like when they give details, you know that that’s the thing that they’re lying about. Because, why do you need to say that? A lot of times they do this fake honesty where they’re like, this is the whole truth. I highly doubt that it was. Do you feel the same way?

**Felicia:** I feel the same way. I mean, I felt peace for a little bit. I was like, you know what, our marriage is totally gonna work now. Because we have honesty. But the relationship was just as broken as it ever had been.

**Anne:** At this point where you’re like, okay, he’s told me the “whole truth.” So I’m not really going to bring it up again. Did he go to therapy? Was he just like, okay, now that I’ve told you the whole truth, I’m never going to do it again.

**Felicia:** I started bringing it up again. So I never decided, you know what, I’m not going to bring it up again. I did that email, and then he told me the whole truth, and then I just took the liberty to put the relationship into his hands. And be like, give me a reason for all of this. Because It was just such big thing. That our whole marriage was.

I’m constantly like, How do two people find each other like this, fall in love. Then it becomes what it is? It never made sense. I walked around meeting people, older women, being like, Can we talk? Thinking that they would be like, my mentor and help me find out. But it was me that needed to find out the truth.

Realization About Emotional Abuse

**Felicia:** No one else knew. When I finally found out, I was like, I feel like this is the reason for our whole entire relationship. And then that’s when I realized about covert emotional abuse and covert narcissism. One, when you watch this stuff, you become less emotionally attentive and able.

**Anne:** I’ve started seeing you become less interested instead of “blaming” the use. It’s like when you use you don’t have the desire to be intimate with people anymore. It’s not like it makes you that way. You just don’t care anymore. Because I think if we say, if you view it, then your brain gets shut off. It sort of takes the choice away.

We have to recognize that they could still say, wait a minute, this is hurting my wife, this is hurting me. This is hurting my family. I don’t want to do this anymore, but they just don’t have the desire to make anything different.

**Felicia:** He did start into therapy. He of course he had problems with his counselor. And didn’t think it was working. So he wanted to, stop. I think he’d like jumped around. Needed to find like the perfect therapy. But he found his own therapy and like his own books that he thought he should read. I actually thought that sources that he found were very good and should have been helpful.

Husband Blames Me For Being Codependent

**Felicia:** But our relationship was not getting any better. One thing that bothered him as I started to say that he needed to take all the responsibility for the pathology in our marriage. I was like you need to take all the responsibility for that. Because along the way, I had been taking responsibility for each bad thing that I thought I did.

If he brought something up, I would be like, you know what, you’re right. And I would try to change. But he never had, then I was like, well now you have to take the responsibility for the whole pathology. He took that to mean I was blaming all of our marital problems on him. And he’s like, this is just too much. This is just too much pressure.

**Anne:** For some reason it wasn’t too much pressure for him to blame you for all of the emotional abuse.

**Felicia:** Exactly, I know. I’m like, Oh my gosh, you have no idea what I’ve been putting on my shoulders this whole time.

**Anne:** Also, it was 100 percent his fault. So, what’s the problem? Literally was 100 percent his fault.

**Felicia:** He wants to back up until the original in a marriage, it takes two people to make it work. So like, that’s what I had gone by. And I had tried to be the person to stand up and say, I’m going to do my part. Then after he completely has a secret for over a decade, that I never found out about.

That I couldn’t know about, now all of a sudden I’m like, this is your fault. If he really felt sorry he would have been like, you’re totally right, it’s all my fault.

Gaslighting & Divorce

**Felicia:** But instead he’s like, oh my gosh, that’s too much pressure. This is a marriage, you can’t blame it all on me. I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery at that time. I grew a lot and found out a lot, it really helped me. He was just focused on this awful stuff and I was finding out that this is not about exploitative material. This is about every way we relate.

The gaslighting and the blaming, it’s just like a physical abuse problem where the husband batters the wife. Except for you don’t want to look bad by actually hitting me. So you hit me emotionally, and there are no bruises. I mean, that’s, I feel like it’s 100 percent what the problem was. So I started to get to safety. We had times where I left the house for a few weeks. I think at a time, like three times that year. That was the year we got divorced.

You’re Not Codependent, You Are Being Abused

**Anne:** Divorcing a narcissist is so hard. When did you think that you might be codependent?

**Felicia:** It was probably 2021. Actually, before I found out about his use. I was calling myself an empath because he would come home and have these rages. And it would really bother me. Sliming cupboards when he’s cleaning and stonewalling. I would be like, you know what, this is my fault because he’s had a really bad day.

He didn’t tell me that I did anything wrong. And he’s like, he’s not telling me that, you know, I’m in a bad mood and don’t talk to me. So I was blaming it on that I feel him too much. Like he’s coming home and I’m like feeling all of this. Then I’m starting in on this fix it thing, which is labeling me as codependent. When I should just be like, Oh, you know, you’re allowed to have a bad day. That’s okay if you slam cupboards and stuff because you’re not hurting me.

**Anne:** During the time where you think maybe you’re an empath, was that when you thought that maybe you were codependent?

**Felicia:** I guess we have to kind of define codependency.

**Anne:** The official definition of codependent, which I do not think codependent is a thing. So I don’t even want to be like this. I want to be like, people have made this up and it’s a victim blaming thing that people use.

And in their minds, this is what codependent means. Characterized by excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner. Typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

Am I Codependent? Asking A Counselor About Codependency

**Anne:** So it’s saying you’re the one with the problem because you, Felicia. Which this is not true, but this is why it’s victim blaming.

You have this excessive emotional and psychological reliance on him. That’s not the case. He’s abusing you and you’re just trying to survive. Because in trying to get to safety, you’re trying to figure out what do I have control over? Maybe if I don’t feel all of his feelings. If I’m not so excessively reliant on him, then things will get better is what you’re thinking?

You are trying to make him into a safe person and other people are defining it as codependent.

**Felicia:** Yeah, almost like, oh, I need him to come home and be a peaceful person. That’s really bad of me to need someone to come home and be peaceful. Is that really codependent? That’s exactly it. And you know what? I do remember asking a counselor back in 2017 if I was codependent. She said, oh my gosh being codependent is a big problem. Let’s work on that.

I always felt like it was led by me to try to find what was wrong. I never wanted to be like, I’m here because I hate my marriage and my marriage is like ruining my life. So I thought it was a broader problem. Maybe it was my growing up or my background. Then when I found out it was exploitative material, she said, “I want to tell you this is abuse.”

I kind of rolled my eyes, because I was like, oh brother, like, abuse. That was just annoying to me.

You’re Not Codependent

**Felicia:** And I think it was just too much for me to look into, so I waited six or nine months. And that’s when I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery. And was like, yeah, it’s abuse.

**Anne:** So you didn’t stay in that codependent place forever. Women think that if their codependent then they can fix things. You find BTR. You were like, Oh, I’m not codependent, it’s really important to me that women know they are not codependent. Did you use BTR services at all?

**Felicia:** I did the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions, and I did the BTR.ORG Individual Sessions. The group sessions were mind blowing. Because it was the first time I’d found a bunch of other people that completely related with absolutely everything I was saying. I thought this covert emotional abuse was like a specific problem that I had that, you know, was obscure.

Yeah, everyone in the group understood and you didn’t have to get them to understand what you were talking about. It was just like, yeah, we get it.

**Anne:** How was that different than the therapy that you had been going to?

**Felicia:** All those years. I was like looking for friendships, mentorships, counselors. Who would say, “Oh I found the problem that is perplexing your whole life.” I mean, it’s dragging you down. There’s that cave analogy where I’ve been like locked in a cave with an abuser. But also like a slave, a slave who like feels they need to be there because they need to help the master because that’s going to be a beautiful relationship.

**Anne:** Once you can help him enough, it’s going to be great. Just hold on a little bit longer.

**Felicia:** Yeah, it’s going to be a good marriage. That’s what marriage is.

Understanding Emotional Abuse

**Felicia:** And now here I am finding out that it is not the right way. And people don’t understand. I tell my friends and family pretend like this is physical abuse because it’s exactly the same. I don’t know what people think emotional abuse is. But it seems at first that it’s like an excuse or something.

Betrayal Trauma Recovery answered all of that. I was just desperate for years to find an answer. And it answered like all of that confusion that I had. I’m like, I don’t know how these other wives find out about it and then they just go on In their marriage. For me, I couldn’t be safe doing that.

**Anne:** Let’s talk to women who are like, “Well, what if it’s not abuse?” who think, “Maybe I’m codependent.” or ” Maybe he’s an addict.”

How do you know that the Betrayal Trauma Recovery model, the abuse model is real. Because I think some women are worried, I’ve thought it’s that before and it hasn’t been that. So there’s no reason to go down this abuse thing. Because I’m just going to find out in six months that it’s not abuse, that it’s actually something else.

**Felicia:** I’m still kind of in that, because now that we’re divorced, the co parenting is a nightmare. And I still am like, is it me?

**Anne:** This is why I wrote The Living Free Workshop.

Isolation & Community Rejection

**Felicia:** Not only that, but one humongous piece of the story is that right when I got the divorce, he turned all my friends against me. I have no friends now. It’s really hard to go to a church where you’re connected. And you have, good friends that you get together with, I told them about the abuse.

And they were like yeah, and I didn’t think they totally got it. I didn’t think they were gonna disown me. Like, these people have called me names and are not fun to see at the grocery store. So, it’s hard to believe that It’s not me, and so I’ve wondered if it’s me.

I think relationships, good marriage relationships are not confusing. There’s problems. You can see what’s going on. You can try to fix the problems and try to love each other more. But this relationship was completely confusing. There was no reconciliation. There was no now we can love each other now that we found that out. None of that. There was never any of that.

**Anne:** I think some women do go through a period of, Oh, now that we know this, things will get better. And if they do go to a addiction recovery specialist, they’ll actually tell them that. They’ll actually say things will get better now that you know this. They kind of do get better for a little bit, but then they don’t get all the way better and things are still confusing.

Exploitative Material & Power Dynamics

**Anne:** Then some addiction recovery folks, like a 12 step group or something, they’ll say, well, now you have to stay in recovery. And wife, you also have to do 12 step and you have to do this the rest of your life. Because this will always be an issue. Then do you just keep seeing that pattern over and over? And the problem is an abuse problem that keeps cropping up.

We all have healthy relationships with people who aren’t perfect. You can laugh about it. Like, Oh man, that’s funny. She sometimes is disorganized and she forgets things. She doesn’t become less forgetful necessarily. But the resolution is you learn, Oh, she’s forgetful sometimes. And that’s okay. We can work with this.

Abuse is not something that you can work with because abuse is always a power over dynamic. And so anytime it gets to a place where something feels resolved and you feel equal. Then the abuser will try to push you down again somehow. There’s never going to be any resolution possible.

**Felicia:** Trying to stop it, but it’s like the it is a symptom of this power and control. So it’d be like if you get physically abused and you try to stop the hitting. And the solution is to stop the hitting. That doesn’t make sense. They’re hitting you because of a power and control. You’re not just gonna try to stop the hitting and be like for the rest of your life. We’re gonna just try to stop the hitting.

**Anne:** But you can still lie and manipulate and all kinds of other things.

Secret Basement

**Felicia:** Yeah, I also learned about the secret sexual basement from Betrayal Trauma Recovery. It’s like, why is it abusive when someone lies to you? When you get married to that person, and let’s say you build a house together. And then after 12 years you realize there’s this basement that no one knew about.

That person got to go into the basement whenever they did, because they always knew about it. The whole family is like, what? I didn’t even know that we had this basement. That’s why it’s like abuse, because it’s It’s his choice when he wants to go. Also, why he wants to go, he knows all about it. Everyone else just has no clue that it was even in the makings of a construction. Much less what the content of that basement is.

**Anne:** It’s so hard, and it’s also hard when other people don’t know how to help victims identify this, right? Because they’ll go and say, my husband, to use this metaphor a little bit longer, he left, I don’t know where he’s going, I’m so confused. And instead of saying, oh, well, maybe he’s an abuser. Maybe you’re being psychologically abused, maybe he’s doing it in the basement, you know? As victims it’s hard to know the difference between emotional abuse and normal conflict.

They’re like, oh, he just probably needs his space, and it’s healthy for people to have space, and then it just gets so confusing.

Marriage Wisdom & Abuse

**Felicia:** Yeah, the normal marriage wisdom doesn’t work for abuse situations. Just don’t expect so much. That doesn’t work. Give, give, give, and don’t expect anything in return. I mean, those were the things I grew up hearing about marriages. If you could guarantee me that both people were doing that, that’s true.

But the minute one person does that and the other person has no intentions of doing that. That’s what was baffling is after all these years, I’m like, I can’t believe that we’re marriage partners.

This is the person I’m supposed to be more intimate with than anyone else in the whole world. And I find out that you’ve been doing this. Against me and they say it’s not about you that exploitative material isn’t about you. That’s also very disturbing and not helpful. I don’t know who it’s about but it’s totally done to me. When you say to your wife, I don’t want to have it. No, thanks. I’m not in the mood. Or whatever your reasoning is, and then you’re off, having it with yourself.

**Anne:** It’s not true because they are in the mood to have it, but they’d rather have it with the computer. They’re not being truthful when they say that. They’re not being truthful when they say “I’m not in the mood.”

When You Can’t Trust Your Husband

**Anne:** They’re in the mood all the time to have it with someone else. Instead they should say, “Oh, I totally want to have it.

I have it so much. I do every day, twice a day. When I look at stuff online, I just don’t want to have it with you. That would be the truth. Then you’d be like, Oh, whoa. Instead, he’s just happy to have you think that you’re just unattractive, and somehow he doesn’t want to have it at all because you’re the way that you are. That’s absolutely not true.

**Felicia:** There’s so much problem in that, when you really think about a husband and a wife. What you just said is like, can you believe that would just be a simple problem? No. There’s so much, on every level, of betrayal right there. My ex explained to me that when he was trying to get me to see what it really was.

But when he said this, it was helpful. He’s like, it’s like going through a drive thru and ordering whatever you want. Then going and eating it in your car. You didn’t want to eat it in front of everybody because it’s kind of embarrassing that you’re a pig, or whatever. Even though it’s bad that he was trying to get me to understand that, that is exactly what it is.

Abuse Hard To Recognize

**Felicia:** It’s like a menu, and I wasn’t on the menu. Almost ever. I’m like barely ever on the menu.

**Anne:** Well, and you don’t want to be on the menu.

**Felicia:** I don’t want to be on the menu either.

**Anne:** Basically, you’re not a person to them. That’s just gross. No woman wants to be like, Oh yeah, I’m on the menu. Yay. Like, no.

**Felicia:** You’re exactly right.

**Anne:** Why do you think it takes victims so long to realize they’re a victim of emotional abuse?

**Felicia:** I don’t know. For me, like I said, I kind of rolled my eyes when I heard abuse. Because it’s like, oh great, everything’s abuse nowadays.

Being Labeled As Codependent Feels Empowering, but Abuse Isn’t Your Fault

**Felicia:** Abuse is one sided. I get into a marriage and if it’s abuse, I have to be like, you have a problem with hurting me. And it’s not my fault. And it ruins our relationship, but you need to change, and I can do nothing about it. That sucks. Not only am I not gonna say it’s my fault, but you’re not gonna say it’s your fault either. And I can’t do anything about it. The powerlessness, I guess.

**Anne:** It’s awful. I think that’s why women sometimes like the word codependent because It seems more empowering to them in the moment than abuse. Because if you are codependent then there is something you can do about it. If you’re partially responsible, by being codependent then you can do something about it. But if you’re not responsible for it at all, you can’t. And that feels terrible. Some women are like, I’d rather think I was codependent because then I have some power in the situation.

Whereas If I say it’s abuse, then the only thing I can do is get to safety. It doesn’t necessarily mean divorce. You can work towards safety. And he could have an epiphany like we talk about in the BTR BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop. At any given time, he could enter reality and realize, Oh, I am being abusive.

I’m not going to do this anymore. But if he’s doing it on purpose, you telling him, “Hey, this is abuse,” is only going to make him abuse you more. Because he’s trying to shut that down.

Power Dynamics In Relationships

**Felicia:** Right, and there’s obviously a power dynamic anyway. That makes it worse now the powerful person is mad, basically.

I used to think it was wrong for me to think that my husband should treat me more affectionate, more loving. those are woman qualities. You shouldn’t expect a man to have those woman qualities. He can be gruff and, and kind of dumb, kind of clueless.

It was a thread throughout our whole marriage where he’s accidentally doing stuff to me. But because I’m extremely sensitive it causes a problem, but he’s really just like bumbling around in life. He can’t be hurting me if it’s not intentional.

He only can hurt me if he purposely did it. That was grooming, where I was like, made to believe that his intentions were always good. So I shouldn’t accuse him of doing anything that might say that he had bad intentions, because he never did.

**Anne:** Well, and the problem with that is the reason why they’re so hell bent on proving that their intentions are good. And that they didn’t mean to do it on purpose is because they did mean it on purpose. That is so hard for women to understand. That they want you to think. that they are doing it accidentally. Then they can kind of keep doing it because they always have a reason to do it. Oh, it was an accident.

Reasons Abusers Give

**Anne:** Of course I don’t think that if they said to their wives, no, I do this on purpose so I can exploit you. The wives would immediately be like, Oh, what? No, so they have to continually convince their victims that It’s accidental.

Therapists love that too. Oh, you’re doing it because of your childhood trauma. Or because of this and that, and whatever excuse they can think of, because it’s just too hard to admit. No, I do this on purpose because if I didn’t, I would have to take out the trash. And I would have to make dinner. I would have to help drive the kids around, and I don’t want to do that.

I just want to exploit her. And so I’m going to keep doing this instead. It’s absolutely more socially acceptable to pretend like you’re doing it on accident.

Community and Secondary Abuse

**Anne:** So now that you’re divorced and you can still see that he is abusive. Because he’s still doing it. now. he’s still blaming you and causing problems and co parenting is just an absolute nightmare. What would you say to women who are starting this process of, well, I’m not sure if he’s so abusive. Maybe I can do something about it. Maybe I am codependent. What would you say to them?

**Felicia:** The part that I’m still wrapping my head around is my whole community of believers just abandon me.

**Anne:** Like your congregation or your church?

**Felicia:** Yeah, that’s where I had friends, and I mean, we were moving cross country. I’ve lived all over the place in his educational and career pursuit. But I had lived where I lived for a couple of years. It was going to be like our forever home. I actually found friends, really good friends, right away. I guess I’m just mind boggled that they turned against me.

They do not want to have anything to do with me and they must believe I’m the bad guy. I don’t know what they believe about me, what lies were told about me. There’s three towns where I don’t even want to go to the grocery store. Because I have friends from those towns that I have seen at the grocery store. And had a bad encounter with.

That doesn’t even answer your question at all. It’s part of the story that’s the cliffhanger. Where I’m just trying to get healthy again, and stand up for myself. Because I know I’m right. And I’m trying to be my best friend that listens to me.

Frustration Of Husband’s Lies

**Anne:** Would you say that maybe what you’re struggling with is all of this secondary abuse that you’re experiencing? Because he has purposefully now tried to convince all of these people. And actually not just tried, been successful in convincing them that you’re the abuser on purpose, to isolate you and hurt you.

So now it’s like, oh, I thought I was so healed. I thought I understood, but he’s still actively trying to harm you. By harming your relationships with other people. He’s still actively abusing you.

**Felicia:** I told everyone the truth. He admitted to it and the divorce was supposed to be in agreement. I wanted to divorce him. I wanted people to know that this is because of his abuse that I’m doing this. He was saying yeah. Now my community is beating me up in the same way I always was.

They’re calling me a liar and I have like this fear now of, I’m a victim! I’m afraid of being like that. But that’s actually what’s happening. I’m another victim, and this time, it’s my whole community.

**Anne:** None of the abuse you’re experiencing now is convincing you, even more, that it’s abuse.

Seeking Support & Friendship

**Anne:** You’ve done BTR group sessions. You’ve been to Individual Sessions. So the two things to do now are get more educated about are strategy and how to deal with all the unsafe people around you. And then start praying you can make friends in your area.

People that you’ve never met before. People who know nothing about it to be on your team in your local area. You will find people. And they will be a great support to you. It might take a minute and it might be someone who’s going through it herself right now. It might be someone who you’re actually going to be an answer to her prayer.

That she’s like, I’m going through this too, and I need help. Those are the women who tend to be the most helpful in this situation. You tend to end up supporting each other because we really, really get it. And that’s why Betrayal Trauma Recovery is awesome because there’s nobody here that isn’t on your side.

**Felicia:** I found a new friend and she started to sound exactly like me a while ago. And so I decided to be for her what I would have wanted. I thought, his might be it. But we’re not really hanging out that much anymore. I was trying to be gentle in case she wanted to stay. I just don’t want her to go not knowing that this might be the answer. It’s not a good way to make friends talking about people’s husbands badly.

Being Honest In Friendship

**Anne:** Oh, that’s true. She didn’t realize he was abusive.

**Felicia:** I was like, do you guys have a good relationship? Is it confusing? Does he ever have any problems? She was answering them all in the red flag sense. So I was like, it might be this, you’re not codependent. She didn’t tell me no. Like, she said like, gosh, I had a feeling I should have been done with him a long time ago. They’re on their second marriage to each other. They already divorced and now they’re married.

Someone told me one time that they thought that my husband was into it. And I was just like, ugh, I did not like hearing that. I was like, No he’s not, You don’t understand. And now years later I’m like, she was right.

**Anne:** In order to make a true friendship, I feel like being honest is always the best policy. So if you’re like, hey, I feel like this is abuse. And they’re not ready for that for whatever reason. And it offends them and they don’t want to be your friend anymore. Then that’s okay. Maybe they’ll be your friend later.

Because you don’t want a service project. You want a really good friend who you really get each other. If her husband is abusive and she can’t see it. You’re not going to be a good friend to her either because it’s going to be driving you crazy.

Professional Services vs. Friendships

**Anne:** And that’s why professional services are so important. Because friendships really should be an equal thing, not service projects. Our services aren’t service projects. Because if we did them for free, we’d have to get other jobs. And we would not be able to help women, but they’re our job. So getting professional services is totally different than looking for a friend who’s on your level.

She’s almost doing you a favor in some ways because you would have been really annoyed all the time. You know, wait, she’s not seeing it. If she’s telling you clearly abusive things and you’re like, uh, you know it’s not going to be fun for you either.

Women Telling Other Women Their Codependent

**Felicia:** And then I’m just gonna build another fake community of a bunch of friends. That I don’t want to tell the truth to, so that’s not good. We don’t want a big group of women deciding that their all codependent. Yeah, I can see that being honest with people, and hopefully friendships will follow.

**Anne:** I think that you will. It’s just a hard time. Have faith and be yourself and stay true to who you are. And things will work out eventually. I’m so sorry that you’re going through that right now. That is so hard. You’re amazing.

**Felicia:** Thank you so much for being beautiful.

**Anne:** You’re amazing, you’re incredible, you’re strong, things are complex.

You’re Not Codependent: Spreading Awareness

**Anne:** A lot of people don’t like me because I say their husband is abusive. Not because I know him personally, not because I’m trying to hurt their marriage. But because objectively the behaviors she is describing are checking the boxes. That any domestic abuse services would say, yes, this is abuse.

That’s it. We’re not making abuse out of nothing. We don’t even know the people. We’re just saying, Okay, this is abuse. Also, we’re not giving any excuses for it.

Maybe he does have a brain lesion. Maybe he does have PTSD from when he served in Iraq. But that doesn’t mean it’s not abuse to you.

It doesn’t mean that it’s okay that you’re being abused. So, the reasons don’t matter why you’re being abused. The thing that matters is you’re being harmed. And it’s not your fault, you don’t deserve to be harmed. You don’t deserve to be harmed because someone has labeled you codependent.

**Felicia:** You’re right, and I’m not gonna feel sorry for spreading that message. I want women to not be harmed in their relationships. And I shouldn’t feel bad about not wanting that. I don’t want that for myself either, which I forget about myself. But yeah, I don’t want myself to be harmed.

**Anne:** But it is a lonely place sometimes, it’s just such a hard road and you don’t have to do it alone. We’re here for you, Felicia, and we’re here for all women going through this.

You’re Not Codependent You Just Need Support

**Anne:** All I want to do is educate women about abuse so that they would know what they were facing. So they would have information. They could make the decisions. That they aren’t going to be blamed for being codependent.

They want to make them and get to safety and we can support them in doing that. And then once they feel stable and safe and that they have friends in their area. Then we’re like, We’re so glad we were here for you when you needed us. And we wish you the best of luck.

We’re here again if you need us again. Unlike 12 step or even religion that’s like you can’t leave. You know, you have to stay in 12 step or you’ll do it. We’re like, there’s nothing wrong with you you’re not codependent. You’re amazing. We’re just here to support you through a very difficult time.

And then when you’re stable and you feel good and you feel like, Oh, I’ve got friends we’re like, yay. We love you. You’re going to do great. You’re brave, strong and incredible.

Final Thoughts: Codependent Is a Victim Blaming Label

**Anne:** Well, thank you so much, Felicia, for sharing your story. I really appreciate it.

**Felicia:** Thank you so much. I can do this.

**Anne:** You can, thanks for helping me get the word out that you are not codependent. You’re doing great. Talk to you soon.

**Felicia:** Bye

Being Told You Are Codependent? We Were, Too — **This is Why You’re Not Codependent – Felicia’s Story** Sep 02, 2025
Felicia spent years wondering if she was codependent. She didn’t realize she was experiencing emotional and psychological abuse. If you’re wondering if you’re codependent. Hopefully Felicia’s story can help you see why you’re not codependent.

If you’re experiencing emotional abuse check out our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Schedule, we’d love to see you in a session.

**This episode follows Felicia’s Story**
Part 1: *This Is Why You’re Not Codependent – Felicia’s Story* (THIS EPISODE)
Part 2: Divorce and Emotional Abuse – Felicia Checks in 9 Months Later

You’re Not Codependent, You’re Seeking Safety

Often, Betrayal Trauma victims have little to no control over their own bodies, privacy, finances, and other aspects of their lives. This leads many women to engage in safety-seeking behaviors. She’s trying to protect herself, which is good! Some people want to put these healthy behaviors in a negative light. They call her codependent, misleading her.

They tell her to blame herself: “What have YOU done to contribute to the problem?” This wrong advice helps the abuser continue to harm her. It also makes it harder for the victim to set healthy boundaries.

But What If I Am Actually Codependent?

Many women find that after they create distance between herself and emotional and psychological abuse, what they thought were “character flaws” often fade away. These traits were really healthy resistance to abuse. They helped her protect herself. She’s not codependent.

Transcript: This is Why You’re Not Codependent

**Anne:** I have a member of our community, we’re going to call her Felicia, on today’s episode. Welcome, Felicia.

**Felicia:** Thank you.

**Anne:** I’m so grateful you’re sharing your story with us. We’re going to be addressing the label of codependent. But let’s start at the beginning. Can you talk about how he seemed to you at first?

**Felicia:** We met at a Bible college and the first thing that I asked is, Could I use his book? Because I didn’t want to buy the professor’s book. He said, Oh, this is a wonderful book. I’ll buy it for you. I want to tell you my intentions are not to hit on you or to flirt with you. So I love that he was so straightforward and didn’t have any other intentions.

We became friends because I believed that he said what he meant. We fell in love, but there was no flirting, we didn’t have the same friends. So I was like, this is really weird, but I really, really like you. But it’s not like this desperate feeling, and that’s how we started off.

**Felicia:** It was a long distance relationship at first.

Questioning His Intentions

**Anne:** Looking back, do you think that he was being honest or do you think he really did have intentions to have a relationship with you?

**Felicia:** I think he just told me what I wanted to hear. I was like, it’s not this desperate feeling. And he was like, me either. So let’s not date right away. I thought we would date. Because we both just told each other we liked each other.

It was the relationship I thought I wanted at first. Except for lack of an emotional side to it. But yeah looking back, I think he just is really good at picking up on what people want to hear. Then filling that in.

**Anne:** Like low key. Hey, we’re just friends. Type grooming.

**Anne:** How did it transition into dating?

**Felicia:** I was just leaving the area. He said, yeah, let’s just do emails and phone calls. He said, I want you to pray about this for one week, that we should be boyfriend and girlfriend. I was just kind of disappointed that there wasn’t this emotional connection. I didn’t have any boyfriends through life to speak of. He said I want you to think about what you need in a relationship. Then we dated long distance still just talking on the phone.

Crossing Boundaries, Starting The Label Of Codependent

**Felicia:** It wasn’t gooey at all. They were like really good conversations. That to me was the perfect part of our relationship. Very good conversations about how we felt and thought. They weren’t long and drawn out. It was just fun to talk to him and then we started setting boundaries.

He said, We’re probably going to pursue each other for marriage. Also, I think that I should come and get you. He was in Georgia and wanted to come to Idaho to get me. He said we should live in the same community if we’re going to see if we’re fit for marriage. We laid down physical boundaries, and I was like, okay, cool. I definitely don’t want to get over involved physically before I’m married. He said he needed these boundaries for himself.

But as soon as we saw each other, we started crossing the boundaries that we had laid. It didn’t feel good. I didn’t like it. By the time we were back to our destination, where we were going to live in the same town. I was kind of like, what did I get into? And that was when we were dating. We weren’t even engaged yet. We got engaged several months later and married the next year.

**Anne:** So at this time, you’re thinking, all that stuff we talked about. The boundaries that we set up, he didn’t adhere to any of them. Do you feel like you were coerced into it? He’s already setting you up to be responsible for him not keeping the boundary, and you identifying as codependent.

Engagement

**Felicia:** Yeah, I thought it was sinning. And he was like, we can pray for peace and forgiveness. Because Jesus will give us that. It would feel so good and amazing and freeing, then within hours a day or whatever later, we’d be at it again. He would say that I was seducing him. Which I would feel really bad about. So I just thought I was bad. And we went to our family and our church and told them, we’re in sin.

We’re not having it, but we’re breaking boundaries. And we tried to get help, and I thought, we just can’t resist each other. So then when we got engaged, I thought, let’s just get married right away. At least we have that connection.

Early Marriage Struggles

**Felicia:** But when we got married, it immediately stopped. We didn’t have a connection. We had a really bad beginning of marriage, no honeymoon spot, we would fight. I thought, Oh, it’s because we were sinful before. But I married thinking I was pure and it was confusing. How did we struggle so bad before marriage? Now that we’re married, it immediately stopped.

**Anne:** He’s basically saying, I’m so attracted to you that I cannot keep my hands off you. So even though I’ve set these boundaries, it’s impossible to keep them. Because I’m so attracted to you. Don’t worry about it because we can just call on Jesus, he understands and we’ll both be fine. We can repent and yet he never actually repents because he keeps doing it.

Then you get married and then he’s just not attracted to you anymore, apparently. Because now it’s very easy for him to avoid physical contact. Is that what I’m hearing?

**Felicia:** You said it all right. He made a lot of excuses. So that period of the marriage lasted 12 years. I lived in like a giant fog of why our intimate life had never been ignited once we got married.

Emotional Disconnect

**Felicia:** It was kind of the big red flag, but emotionally we didn’t connect. We had a really bad honeymoon and after that he would say things like, it is just emotional for me. So if we’re not connected, I don’t want to have it with you. Things like that, that made me feel like, well, I can’t force him.

Over 12 years, I mean, we started having kids together. My drive waned, so it was kind of like, well, it’s no big deal now. But I would ask things like, why he thought it was like that. And one time he just said, he was going through medical school so it was so strenuous. I just looked up things and thought, I bet he’s too busy.

**Anne:** He was using any excuse he could get his hands on. Anything that he heard, maybe women are like, Oh, I’m not emotionally connected so I don’t want to have it. Which was not his case. Because I’m guessing we’re going to find out real soon that he’s having it with someone else. But he’s just trying to grab hold of any excuse he can. To groom you into thinking it’s your fault that he’s not interested.

When did you find out about the explicit materials use or the infidelity?

Discovering The Truth

**Felicia:** After twelve years of marriage. So it was in twenty, twenty one. I think it was the Holy Spirit coming into my intuition, cause I was just like, something is wrong. For some reason it’s bothering me more now, and I’m not gonna let it stop bothering me. I had gone to lots of counseling over the years, and never really found a problem with me.

I went through a major lifestyle program, like residential treatment program for depression. That always owned up to being postpartum depressed and seasonal depression and all this stuff. Finally was like, you know what? It’s my marriage.

Then I went to counseling and being like, it’s my marriage, help me. But at this point in time, I couldn’t sleep. I was just crying all the time. I was pregnant with our fourth kid, but I was like, this is not the same thing as pregnancy hormones. This is something deeper.

So I just started digging and finding it on his device and I was like, the kids could have found this.

You got to make sure that this doesn’t pop up on your computer screen. And he’s like, yeah, you’re right. That’s really bad. I’ll make sure I don’t leave that up anymore. But then I dug and dug and dug and kept saying, tell me the whole truth. Because I need to know that I know everything, because I’m finding images on his device.

**Anne:** You’re finding lots of exploitative material and he’s giving excuses or saying, I don’t know.

**Felicia:** Just kind of acting like he used a thing to watch movies. It would just pop up so he would just exit back out, you know? That’s all it is.

Gaslighting & Blame

**Felicia:** One thing that he’d never done is ever had a big problem he’d been sorry about. I’d had like, a number of problems but he’d never been like, you know what, here’s this big issue or problem. I feel like In marriages two people usually have problems, but in our marriage, it was always just me.

**Anne:** Tell me more about that. Was it like, Oh, I have a problem with my friend, for example. Or I have a problem because I’m sick. Or was it like, you mean just like general everyday problems that humans have? Like he didn’t have any of these regular problems.

**Felicia:** He didn’t have regular problems. I would be like, do you think you’re a sinner? And he’s like, oh yeah, of course I’m a sinner. But he never had any confession of like, you know what, I feel really bad about this. He didn’t actually even say sorry, so I didn’t learn about gaslighting until much later. But If I came to him with, like, this makes me feel bad, when this happens. It would turn into, like, you don’t know how hard it is to have a depressed wife.

Emotional Abuse

**Felicia:** Or, he was now in medical residency, so he’s like, I think you have ADD. So I actually went to my own doctor saying, like, I think I might have ADD. And my doctor was like, No, you don’t have ADD at all. He didn’t even seem like he had problems. I was like, I guess he’s this amazing person, I guess I’m just a monster. I decided when I got married that I was a monster and I never knew that I was. When we ever had a problem, it would go back to, I bet he hasn’t forgiven me.

For how badly I treated him when we were first married. That’s what I decided it was, I just treated him really bad.

He’s like a super awesome guy. And he just can’t forgive me because he’s so sensitive. I hurt him that bad. He never had any offerings for why our marriage sucked. So I would offer things.

**Anne:** But he wouldn’t.

**Felicia:** Yeah, he would never.

**Anne:** Abusers have a very distinct pattern. They only start their story after the real victim has started to resist the abuse. So the beginning of your marriage, you’re being abused and you’re trying to resist this abuse.

He starts the story with like, everything was fine. Nothing was wrong. Suddenly she started treating me really bad rather than saying, I actually coerced her. And made her seem like I was super attracted to her. And then we got married and I completely ignored her and didn’t have it with her at all.

Realizing The Extent Of Abuse

**Anne:** And I was a complete jerk, and then she was trying to resist me being terrible. If they started the story there, it would make sense. But instead they’re like, “Yeah, everything was fine.” We got married. I thought our marriage was great. They don’t tell people I was refusing to have it with her. I was giving her the impression I wasn’t into to her.

So then when people hear his side of the story. They’re like, Wow, she just out of the blue is like super mad at you.

**Felicia:** The other thing is there’s this common, I don’t know if that’s like a religious thing or whatever. But where like the man’s passive and the woman pushes him to not be passive. And that pushing to not be passive is really bad. That’s what I did. I was like, you know what, that was really bad that I pushed him to not be passive.

I would let myself get all enraged at his passiveness. But looking back, it was like this passive aggression that he knew he was doing. And like, silent treatments, he’s very argumentative. Somehow he would like, shut down right when I ignited. Anyway, so I learned to like, turn that off. And stop pushing him, especially so that we could have children.

Cause he said, we can’t have children until I stop this aggression and our marriage gets better. So I like became someone who just swallowed everything. Now I go back and I’m seeing there was a beautiful woman inside of me clawing. Saying, this is wrong. Something is completely messed it up and I disagree. And I’m not just going to go along with it.

Confronting The Truth

**Felicia:** That’s what happened. I became someone who just went along with stuff. I didn’t I didn’t talk to him very much at all because he was just going to disagree. We were going to have an argument so I just listened to him. He would just go on and on and on and on. He was a like a monologue-er. That’s where we were when I found it.

I finally said I have to know everything. And he was like, oh, no, you know everything. And I said, okay, I’m never gonna talk to you about this again. I’m gonna ask you one more time. Do I know everything? Have you told me the whole truth about this exploitative materials use that I keep finding? And he said, yes. So I said, okay, I’m never going to talk about it again.

I wrote him an email, because I couldn’t sleep at night. And I was like, I know that there’s something wrong. I said that either Satan’s tormenting me. Or the Holy Spirit’s trying to communicate something to me. And that’s when he said, okay, let’s talk. That’s when he took me on a walk, and we dropped the kids off.

Then he told me the whole truth about the previous 12 years. And how he’d watched this off and on. He said it was like, good exploitative material, it wasn’t violent, or whatever. He said he’d done that off and on for 12 years, actually his whole life.

Keeping It Secret

**Anne:** I feel like when they give details, you know that that’s the thing that they’re lying about. Because, why do you need to say that? A lot of times they do this fake honesty where they’re like, this is the whole truth. I highly doubt that it was. Do you feel the same way?

**Felicia:** I feel the same way. I mean, I felt peace for a little bit. I was like, you know what, our marriage is totally gonna work now. Because we have honesty. But the relationship was just as broken as it ever had been.

**Anne:** At this point where you’re like, okay, he’s told me the “whole truth.” So I’m not really going to bring it up again. Did he go to therapy? Was he just like, okay, now that I’ve told you the whole truth, I’m never going to do it again.

**Felicia:** I started bringing it up again. So I never decided, you know what, I’m not going to bring it up again. I did that email, and then he told me the whole truth, and then I just took the liberty to put the relationship into his hands. And be like, give me a reason for all of this. Because It was just such big thing. That our whole marriage was.

I’m constantly like, How do two people find each other like this, fall in love. Then it becomes what it is? It never made sense. I walked around meeting people, older women, being like, Can we talk? Thinking that they would be like, my mentor and help me find out. But it was me that needed to find out the truth.

Realization About Emotional Abuse

**Felicia:** No one else knew. When I finally found out, I was like, I feel like this is the reason for our whole entire relationship. And then that’s when I realized about covert emotional abuse and covert narcissism. One, when you watch this stuff, you become less emotionally attentive and able.

**Anne:** I’ve started seeing you become less interested instead of “blaming” the use. It’s like when you use you don’t have the desire to be intimate with people anymore. It’s not like it makes you that way. You just don’t care anymore. Because I think if we say, if you view it, then your brain gets shut off. It sort of takes the choice away.

We have to recognize that they could still say, wait a minute, this is hurting my wife, this is hurting me. This is hurting my family. I don’t want to do this anymore, but they just don’t have the desire to make anything different.

**Felicia:** He did start into therapy. He of course he had problems with his counselor. And didn’t think it was working. So he wanted to, stop. I think he’d like jumped around. Needed to find like the perfect therapy. But he found his own therapy and like his own books that he thought he should read. I actually thought that sources that he found were very good and should have been helpful.

Husband Blames Me For Being Codependent

**Felicia:** But our relationship was not getting any better. One thing that bothered him as I started to say that he needed to take all the responsibility for the pathology in our marriage. I was like you need to take all the responsibility for that. Because along the way, I had been taking responsibility for each bad thing that I thought I did.

If he brought something up, I would be like, you know what, you’re right. And I would try to change. But he never had, then I was like, well now you have to take the responsibility for the whole pathology. He took that to mean I was blaming all of our marital problems on him. And he’s like, this is just too much. This is just too much pressure.

**Anne:** For some reason it wasn’t too much pressure for him to blame you for all of the emotional abuse.

**Felicia:** Exactly, I know. I’m like, Oh my gosh, you have no idea what I’ve been putting on my shoulders this whole time.

**Anne:** Also, it was 100 percent his fault. So, what’s the problem? Literally was 100 percent his fault.

**Felicia:** He wants to back up until the original in a marriage, it takes two people to make it work. So like, that’s what I had gone by. And I had tried to be the person to stand up and say, I’m going to do my part. Then after he completely has a secret for over a decade, that I never found out about.

That I couldn’t know about, now all of a sudden I’m like, this is your fault. If he really felt sorry he would have been like, you’re totally right, it’s all my fault.

Gaslighting & Divorce

**Felicia:** But instead he’s like, oh my gosh, that’s too much pressure. This is a marriage, you can’t blame it all on me. I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery at that time. I grew a lot and found out a lot, it really helped me. He was just focused on this awful stuff and I was finding out that this is not about exploitative material. This is about every way we relate.

The gaslighting and the blaming, it’s just like a physical abuse problem where the husband batters the wife. Except for you don’t want to look bad by actually hitting me. So you hit me emotionally, and there are no bruises. I mean, that’s, I feel like it’s 100 percent what the problem was. So I started to get to safety. We had times where I left the house for a few weeks. I think at a time, like three times that year. That was the year we got divorced.

You’re Not Codependent, You Are Being Abused

**Anne:** Divorcing a narcissist is so hard. When did you think that you might be codependent?

**Felicia:** It was probably 2021. Actually, before I found out about his use. I was calling myself an empath because he would come home and have these rages. And it would really bother me. Sliming cupboards when he’s cleaning and stonewalling. I would be like, you know what, this is my fault because he’s had a really bad day.

He didn’t tell me that I did anything wrong. And he’s like, he’s not telling me that, you know, I’m in a bad mood and don’t talk to me. So I was blaming it on that I feel him too much. Like he’s coming home and I’m like feeling all of this. Then I’m starting in on this fix it thing, which is labeling me as codependent. When I should just be like, Oh, you know, you’re allowed to have a bad day. That’s okay if you slam cupboards and stuff because you’re not hurting me.

**Anne:** During the time where you think maybe you’re an empath, was that when you thought that maybe you were codependent?

**Felicia:** I guess we have to kind of define codependency.

**Anne:** The official definition of codependent, which I do not think codependent is a thing. So I don’t even want to be like this. I want to be like, people have made this up and it’s a victim blaming thing that people use.

And in their minds, this is what codependent means. Characterized by excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner. Typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

Am I Codependent? Asking A Counselor About Codependency

**Anne:** So it’s saying you’re the one with the problem because you, Felicia. Which this is not true, but this is why it’s victim blaming.

You have this excessive emotional and psychological reliance on him. That’s not the case. He’s abusing you and you’re just trying to survive. Because in trying to get to safety, you’re trying to figure out what do I have control over? Maybe if I don’t feel all of his feelings. If I’m not so excessively reliant on him, then things will get better is what you’re thinking?

You are trying to make him into a safe person and other people are defining it as codependent.

**Felicia:** Yeah, almost like, oh, I need him to come home and be a peaceful person. That’s really bad of me to need someone to come home and be peaceful. Is that really codependent? That’s exactly it. And you know what? I do remember asking a counselor back in 2017 if I was codependent. She said, oh my gosh being codependent is a big problem. Let’s work on that.

I always felt like it was led by me to try to find what was wrong. I never wanted to be like, I’m here because I hate my marriage and my marriage is like ruining my life. So I thought it was a broader problem. Maybe it was my growing up or my background. Then when I found out it was exploitative material, she said, “I want to tell you this is abuse.”

I kind of rolled my eyes, because I was like, oh brother, like, abuse. That was just annoying to me.

You’re Not Codependent

**Felicia:** And I think it was just too much for me to look into, so I waited six or nine months. And that’s when I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery. And was like, yeah, it’s abuse.

**Anne:** So you didn’t stay in that codependent place forever. Women think that if their codependent then they can fix things. You find BTR. You were like, Oh, I’m not codependent, it’s really important to me that women know they are not codependent. Did you use BTR services at all?

**Felicia:** I did the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions, and I did the BTR.ORG Individual Sessions. The group sessions were mind blowing. Because it was the first time I’d found a bunch of other people that completely related with absolutely everything I was saying. I thought this covert emotional abuse was like a specific problem that I had that, you know, was obscure.

Yeah, everyone in the group understood and you didn’t have to get them to understand what you were talking about. It was just like, yeah, we get it.

**Anne:** How was that different than the therapy that you had been going to?

**Felicia:** All those years. I was like looking for friendships, mentorships, counselors. Who would say, “Oh I found the problem that is perplexing your whole life.” I mean, it’s dragging you down. There’s that cave analogy where I’ve been like locked in a cave with an abuser. But also like a slave, a slave who like feels they need to be there because they need to help the master because that’s going to be a beautiful relationship.

**Anne:** Once you can help him enough, it’s going to be great. Just hold on a little bit longer.

**Felicia:** Yeah, it’s going to be a good marriage. That’s what marriage is.

Understanding Emotional Abuse

**Felicia:** And now here I am finding out that it is not the right way. And people don’t understand. I tell my friends and family pretend like this is physical abuse because it’s exactly the same. I don’t know what people think emotional abuse is. But it seems at first that it’s like an excuse or something.

Betrayal Trauma Recovery answered all of that. I was just desperate for years to find an answer. And it answered like all of that confusion that I had. I’m like, I don’t know how these other wives find out about it and then they just go on In their marriage. For me, I couldn’t be safe doing that.

**Anne:** Let’s talk to women who are like, “Well, what if it’s not abuse?” who think, “Maybe I’m codependent.” or ” Maybe he’s an addict.”

How do you know that the Betrayal Trauma Recovery model, the abuse model is real. Because I think some women are worried, I’ve thought it’s that before and it hasn’t been that. So there’s no reason to go down this abuse thing. Because I’m just going to find out in six months that it’s not abuse, that it’s actually something else.

**Felicia:** I’m still kind of in that, because now that we’re divorced, the co parenting is a nightmare. And I still am like, is it me?

**Anne:** This is why I wrote The Living Free Workshop.

Isolation & Community Rejection

**Felicia:** Not only that, but one humongous piece of the story is that right when I got the divorce, he turned all my friends against me. I have no friends now. It’s really hard to go to a church where you’re connected. And you have, good friends that you get together with, I told them about the abuse.

And they were like yeah, and I didn’t think they totally got it. I didn’t think they were gonna disown me. Like, these people have called me names and are not fun to see at the grocery store. So, it’s hard to believe that It’s not me, and so I’ve wondered if it’s me.

I think relationships, good marriage relationships are not confusing. There’s problems. You can see what’s going on. You can try to fix the problems and try to love each other more. But this relationship was completely confusing. There was no reconciliation. There was no now we can love each other now that we found that out. None of that. There was never any of that.

**Anne:** I think some women do go through a period of, Oh, now that we know this, things will get better. And if they do go to a addiction recovery specialist, they’ll actually tell them that. They’ll actually say things will get better now that you know this. They kind of do get better for a little bit, but then they don’t get all the way better and things are still confusing.

Exploitative Material & Power Dynamics

**Anne:** Then some addiction recovery folks, like a 12 step group or something, they’ll say, well, now you have to stay in recovery. And wife, you also have to do 12 step and you have to do this the rest of your life. Because this will always be an issue. Then do you just keep seeing that pattern over and over? And the problem is an abuse problem that keeps cropping up.

We all have healthy relationships with people who aren’t perfect. You can laugh about it. Like, Oh man, that’s funny. She sometimes is disorganized and she forgets things. She doesn’t become less forgetful necessarily. But the resolution is you learn, Oh, she’s forgetful sometimes. And that’s okay. We can work with this.

Abuse is not something that you can work with because abuse is always a power over dynamic. And so anytime it gets to a place where something feels resolved and you feel equal. Then the abuser will try to push you down again somehow. There’s never going to be any resolution possible.

**Felicia:** Trying to stop it, but it’s like the it is a symptom of this power and control. So it’d be like if you get physically abused and you try to stop the hitting. And the solution is to stop the hitting. That doesn’t make sense. They’re hitting you because of a power and control. You’re not just gonna try to stop the hitting and be like for the rest of your life. We’re gonna just try to stop the hitting.

**Anne:** But you can still lie and manipulate and all kinds of other things.

Secret Basement

**Felicia:** Yeah, I also learned about the secret sexual basement from Betrayal Trauma Recovery. It’s like, why is it abusive when someone lies to you? When you get married to that person, and let’s say you build a house together. And then after 12 years you realize there’s this basement that no one knew about.

That person got to go into the basement whenever they did, because they always knew about it. The whole family is like, what? I didn’t even know that we had this basement. That’s why it’s like abuse, because it’s It’s his choice when he wants to go. Also, why he wants to go, he knows all about it. Everyone else just has no clue that it was even in the makings of a construction. Much less what the content of that basement is.

**Anne:** It’s so hard, and it’s also hard when other people don’t know how to help victims identify this, right? Because they’ll go and say, my husband, to use this metaphor a little bit longer, he left, I don’t know where he’s going, I’m so confused. And instead of saying, oh, well, maybe he’s an abuser. Maybe you’re being psychologically abused, maybe he’s doing it in the basement, you know? As victims it’s hard to know the difference between emotional abuse and normal conflict.

They’re like, oh, he just probably needs his space, and it’s healthy for people to have space, and then it just gets so confusing.

Marriage Wisdom & Abuse

**Felicia:** Yeah, the normal marriage wisdom doesn’t work for abuse situations. Just don’t expect so much. That doesn’t work. Give, give, give, and don’t expect anything in return. I mean, those were the things I grew up hearing about marriages. If you could guarantee me that both people were doing that, that’s true.

But the minute one person does that and the other person has no intentions of doing that. That’s what was baffling is after all these years, I’m like, I can’t believe that we’re marriage partners.

This is the person I’m supposed to be more intimate with than anyone else in the whole world. And I find out that you’ve been doing this. Against me and they say it’s not about you that exploitative material isn’t about you. That’s also very disturbing and not helpful. I don’t know who it’s about but it’s totally done to me. When you say to your wife, I don’t want to have it. No, thanks. I’m not in the mood. Or whatever your reasoning is, and then you’re off, having it with yourself.

**Anne:** It’s not true because they are in the mood to have it, but they’d rather have it with the computer. They’re not being truthful when they say that. They’re not being truthful when they say “I’m not in the mood.”

When You Can’t Trust Your Husband

**Anne:** They’re in the mood all the time to have it with someone else. Instead they should say, “Oh, I totally want to have it.

I have it so much. I do every day, twice a day. When I look at stuff online, I just don’t want to have it with you. That would be the truth. Then you’d be like, Oh, whoa. Instead, he’s just happy to have you think that you’re just unattractive, and somehow he doesn’t want to have it at all because you’re the way that you are. That’s absolutely not true.

**Felicia:** There’s so much problem in that, when you really think about a husband and a wife. What you just said is like, can you believe that would just be a simple problem? No. There’s so much, on every level, of betrayal right there. My ex explained to me that when he was trying to get me to see what it really was.

But when he said this, it was helpful. He’s like, it’s like going through a drive thru and ordering whatever you want. Then going and eating it in your car. You didn’t want to eat it in front of everybody because it’s kind of embarrassing that you’re a pig, or whatever. Even though it’s bad that he was trying to get me to understand that, that is exactly what it is.

Abuse Hard To Recognize

**Felicia:** It’s like a menu, and I wasn’t on the menu. Almost ever. I’m like barely ever on the menu.

**Anne:** Well, and you don’t want to be on the menu.

**Felicia:** I don’t want to be on the menu either.

**Anne:** Basically, you’re not a person to them. That’s just gross. No woman wants to be like, Oh yeah, I’m on the menu. Yay. Like, no.

**Felicia:** You’re exactly right.

**Anne:** Why do you think it takes victims so long to realize they’re a victim of emotional abuse?

**Felicia:** I don’t know. For me, like I said, I kind of rolled my eyes when I heard abuse. Because it’s like, oh great, everything’s abuse nowadays.

Being Labeled As Codependent Feels Empowering, but Abuse Isn’t Your Fault

**Felicia:** Abuse is one sided. I get into a marriage and if it’s abuse, I have to be like, you have a problem with hurting me. And it’s not my fault. And it ruins our relationship, but you need to change, and I can do nothing about it. That sucks. Not only am I not gonna say it’s my fault, but you’re not gonna say it’s your fault either. And I can’t do anything about it. The powerlessness, I guess.

**Anne:** It’s awful. I think that’s why women sometimes like the word codependent because It seems more empowering to them in the moment than abuse. Because if you are codependent then there is something you can do about it. If you’re partially responsible, by being codependent then you can do something about it. But if you’re not responsible for it at all, you can’t. And that feels terrible. Some women are like, I’d rather think I was codependent because then I have some power in the situation.

Whereas If I say it’s abuse, then the only thing I can do is get to safety. It doesn’t necessarily mean divorce. You can work towards safety. And he could have an epiphany like we talk about in the BTR BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop. At any given time, he could enter reality and realize, Oh, I am being abusive.

I’m not going to do this anymore. But if he’s doing it on purpose, you telling him, “Hey, this is abuse,” is only going to make him abuse you more. Because he’s trying to shut that down.

Power Dynamics In Relationships

**Felicia:** Right, and there’s obviously a power dynamic anyway. That makes it worse now the powerful person is mad, basically.

I used to think it was wrong for me to think that my husband should treat me more affectionate, more loving. those are woman qualities. You shouldn’t expect a man to have those woman qualities. He can be gruff and, and kind of dumb, kind of clueless.

It was a thread throughout our whole marriage where he’s accidentally doing stuff to me. But because I’m extremely sensitive it causes a problem, but he’s really just like bumbling around in life. He can’t be hurting me if it’s not intentional.

He only can hurt me if he purposely did it. That was grooming, where I was like, made to believe that his intentions were always good. So I shouldn’t accuse him of doing anything that might say that he had bad intentions, because he never did.

**Anne:** Well, and the problem with that is the reason why they’re so hell bent on proving that their intentions are good. And that they didn’t mean to do it on purpose is because they did mean it on purpose. That is so hard for women to understand. That they want you to think. that they are doing it accidentally. Then they can kind of keep doing it because they always have a reason to do it. Oh, it was an accident.

Reasons Abusers Give

**Anne:** Of course I don’t think that if they said to their wives, no, I do this on purpose so I can exploit you. The wives would immediately be like, Oh, what? No, so they have to continually convince their victims that It’s accidental.

Therapists love that too. Oh, you’re doing it because of your childhood trauma. Or because of this and that, and whatever excuse they can think of, because it’s just too hard to admit. No, I do this on purpose because if I didn’t, I would have to take out the trash. And I would have to make dinner. I would have to help drive the kids around, and I don’t want to do that.

I just want to exploit her. And so I’m going to keep doing this instead. It’s absolutely more socially acceptable to pretend like you’re doing it on accident.

Community and Secondary Abuse

**Anne:** So now that you’re divorced and you can still see that he is abusive. Because he’s still doing it. now. he’s still blaming you and causing problems and co parenting is just an absolute nightmare. What would you say to women who are starting this process of, well, I’m not sure if he’s so abusive. Maybe I can do something about it. Maybe I am codependent. What would you say to them?

**Felicia:** The part that I’m still wrapping my head around is my whole community of believers just abandon me.

**Anne:** Like your congregation or your church?

**Felicia:** Yeah, that’s where I had friends, and I mean, we were moving cross country. I’ve lived all over the place in his educational and career pursuit. But I had lived where I lived for a couple of years. It was going to be like our forever home. I actually found friends, really good friends, right away. I guess I’m just mind boggled that they turned against me.

They do not want to have anything to do with me and they must believe I’m the bad guy. I don’t know what they believe about me, what lies were told about me. There’s three towns where I don’t even want to go to the grocery store. Because I have friends from those towns that I have seen at the grocery store. And had a bad encounter with.

That doesn’t even answer your question at all. It’s part of the story that’s the cliffhanger. Where I’m just trying to get healthy again, and stand up for myself. Because I know I’m right. And I’m trying to be my best friend that listens to me.

Frustration Of Husband’s Lies

**Anne:** Would you say that maybe what you’re struggling with is all of this secondary abuse that you’re experiencing? Because he has purposefully now tried to convince all of these people. And actually not just tried, been successful in convincing them that you’re the abuser on purpose, to isolate you and hurt you.

So now it’s like, oh, I thought I was so healed. I thought I understood, but he’s still actively trying to harm you. By harming your relationships with other people. He’s still actively abusing you.

**Felicia:** I told everyone the truth. He admitted to it and the divorce was supposed to be in agreement. I wanted to divorce him. I wanted people to know that this is because of his abuse that I’m doing this. He was saying yeah. Now my community is beating me up in the same way I always was.

They’re calling me a liar and I have like this fear now of, I’m a victim! I’m afraid of being like that. But that’s actually what’s happening. I’m another victim, and this time, it’s my whole community.

**Anne:** None of the abuse you’re experiencing now is convincing you, even more, that it’s abuse.

Seeking Support & Friendship

**Anne:** You’ve done BTR group sessions. You’ve been to Individual Sessions. So the two things to do now are get more educated about are strategy and how to deal with all the unsafe people around you. And then start praying you can make friends in your area.

People that you’ve never met before. People who know nothing about it to be on your team in your local area. You will find people. And they will be a great support to you. It might take a minute and it might be someone who’s going through it herself right now. It might be someone who you’re actually going to be an answer to her prayer.

That she’s like, I’m going through this too, and I need help. Those are the women who tend to be the most helpful in this situation. You tend to end up supporting each other because we really, really get it. And that’s why Betrayal Trauma Recovery is awesome because there’s nobody here that isn’t on your side.

**Felicia:** I found a new friend and she started to sound exactly like me a while ago. And so I decided to be for her what I would have wanted. I thought, his might be it. But we’re not really hanging out that much anymore. I was trying to be gentle in case she wanted to stay. I just don’t want her to go not knowing that this might be the answer. It’s not a good way to make friends talking about people’s husbands badly.

Being Honest In Friendship

**Anne:** Oh, that’s true. She didn’t realize he was abusive.

**Felicia:** I was like, do you guys have a good relationship? Is it confusing? Does he ever have any problems? She was answering them all in the red flag sense. So I was like, it might be this, you’re not codependent. She didn’t tell me no. Like, she said like, gosh, I had a feeling I should have been done with him a long time ago. They’re on their second marriage to each other. They already divorced and now they’re married.

Someone told me one time that they thought that my husband was into it. And I was just like, ugh, I did not like hearing that. I was like, No he’s not, You don’t understand. And now years later I’m like, she was right.

**Anne:** In order to make a true friendship, I feel like being honest is always the best policy. So if you’re like, hey, I feel like this is abuse. And they’re not ready for that for whatever reason. And it offends them and they don’t want to be your friend anymore. Then that’s okay. Maybe they’ll be your friend later.

Because you don’t want a service project. You want a really good friend who you really get each other. If her husband is abusive and she can’t see it. You’re not going to be a good friend to her either because it’s going to be driving you crazy.

Professional Services vs. Friendships

**Anne:** And that’s why professional services are so important. Because friendships really should be an equal thing, not service projects. Our services aren’t service projects. Because if we did them for free, we’d have to get other jobs. And we would not be able to help women, but they’re our job. So getting professional services is totally different than looking for a friend who’s on your level.

She’s almost doing you a favor in some ways because you would have been really annoyed all the time. You know, wait, she’s not seeing it. If she’s telling you clearly abusive things and you’re like, uh, you know it’s not going to be fun for you either.

Women Telling Other Women Their Codependent

**Felicia:** And then I’m just gonna build another fake community of a bunch of friends. That I don’t want to tell the truth to, so that’s not good. We don’t want a big group of women deciding that their all codependent. Yeah, I can see that being honest with people, and hopefully friendships will follow.

**Anne:** I think that you will. It’s just a hard time. Have faith and be yourself and stay true to who you are. And things will work out eventually. I’m so sorry that you’re going through that right now. That is so hard. You’re amazing.

**Felicia:** Thank you so much for being beautiful.

**Anne:** You’re amazing, you’re incredible, you’re strong, things are complex.

You’re Not Codependent: Spreading Awareness

**Anne:** A lot of people don’t like me because I say their husband is abusive. Not because I know him personally, not because I’m trying to hurt their marriage. But because objectively the behaviors she is describing are checking the boxes. That any domestic abuse services would say, yes, this is abuse.

That’s it. We’re not making abuse out of nothing. We don’t even know the people. We’re just saying, Okay, this is abuse. Also, we’re not giving any excuses for it.

Maybe he does have a brain lesion. Maybe he does have PTSD from when he served in Iraq. But that doesn’t mean it’s not abuse to you.

It doesn’t mean that it’s okay that you’re being abused. So, the reasons don’t matter why you’re being abused. The thing that matters is you’re being harmed. And it’s not your fault, you don’t deserve to be harmed. You don’t deserve to be harmed because someone has labeled you codependent.

**Felicia:** You’re right, and I’m not gonna feel sorry for spreading that message. I want women to not be harmed in their relationships. And I shouldn’t feel bad about not wanting that. I don’t want that for myself either, which I forget about myself. But yeah, I don’t want myself to be harmed.

**Anne:** But it is a lonely place sometimes, it’s just such a hard road and you don’t have to do it alone. We’re here for you, Felicia, and we’re here for all women going through this.

You’re Not Codependent You Just Need Support

**Anne:** All I want to do is educate women about abuse so that they would know what they were facing. So they would have information. They could make the decisions. That they aren’t going to be blamed for being codependent.

They want to make them and get to safety and we can support them in doing that. And then once they feel stable and safe and that they have friends in their area. Then we’re like, We’re so glad we were here for you when you needed us. And we wish you the best of luck.

We’re here again if you need us again. Unlike 12 step or even religion that’s like you can’t leave. You know, you have to stay in 12 step or you’ll do it. We’re like, there’s nothing wrong with you you’re not codependent. You’re amazing. We’re just here to support you through a very difficult time.

And then when you’re stable and you feel good and you feel like, Oh, I’ve got friends we’re like, yay. We love you. You’re going to do great. You’re brave, strong and incredible.

Final Thoughts: Codependent Is a Victim Blaming Label

**Anne:** Well, thank you so much, Felicia, for sharing your story. I really appreciate it.

**Felicia:** Thank you so much. I can do this.

**Anne:** You can, thanks for helping me get the word out that you are not codependent. You’re doing great. Talk to you soon.

**Felicia:** Bye

My Husband Wont Stop Lying To Me — **My Husband Won’t Stop Lying To Me – Angel’s Story** Aug 26, 2025
If you’re realizing, “My husband won’t stop lying.” You’re not alone. Angel shares her heartbreaking experience, giving her second husband every opportunity to change. Lying is part of emotional abuse. To find out if you are emotionally abused, take thisfree emotional abuse quiz.

If your husband won’t stop lying, you need support. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.

Transcript: My Husband Won’t Stop Lying

**Anne:** Today we have Angel , a survivor of two marriages that ended due to addiction. She has six awesome kids. Welcome.

**Angel:** Thanks for having me.

**Anne:** We’re going to talk to you a little bit about your personal story. You went through two marriages with addicted husbands. Let’s focus on the second marriage and what happened there. Can you talk to me about what your life was like before that D-Day with your second spouse?

**Angel:** I was divorced from my first husband, who was a pornography addict. And I met this guy who was everything I never imagined existed. He was soft. He was sweet. But not in a weird way. He was just this super awesome, amazing guy. I was not actually a Christian at the time, neither was he. We dated for a couple of years and bought a house together, and we went to church, and we both got saved in that church. And when we got saved, we got convicted for living together.

So we got married. I had already had six children from my first marriage. My children were rather young. It was a pretty normal life. I had the kind of relationship that my friends were jealous of, because my husband was always home. He would do chores. He didn’t leave his underwear on the floor. I had all kinds of health problems, but even despite all that, life was just good. Then after a couple of major surgeries and a foreclosure, we moved and everything changed.

He was very different, and I couldn’t figure out why. Of course, I thought it was me or my kids, because it couldn’t possibly be him. I didn’t know then that my husband was lying.

Discovery Day (D-Day)

**Angel:** I had been a stay at home mom, which I loved, but I opened a photography studio, so we were a pretty normal couple. didn’t go to church, which was unfortunate. I kept trying to get him to try new churches. But he was very resistant, and as time progressed, he got more and more distant. I started seeing more anger and lying, our intimate life almost disappeared.

And then one day, I was on his computer. I had all his passwords, and he had all mine, we had nothing to hide. So I looked at his computer history, not sure why I was looking at his computer history. Because he swore he never watched online explicit material, and I believed him.

I saw a bunch of meetup groups in his history. And all the profiles he looked at were female. And I thought that’s really weird, but I brushed it off, thinking he was looking for a tech meetup group because he’s a tech guy.

As I kept looking and seeing all these female profiles, it was like a light bulb went off. I out loud said, “My husband’s having an affair,” but I couldn’t see anything. So I ended up combing through his computer trying to find something, and I couldn’t find anything. So I went upstairs and got his phone, and started looking through the phone. I didn’t see anything until I found the Google Voice app.

And when I found the Google Voice app, I read two years worth of texts from his affair partner. So that was my first D-Day. And found out my husband had been lying.

Understanding D-Day

**Angel:** Yeah, like, as I’m telling it, I can literally feel still reading the texts from her. And at first I thought it was just virtual. But it wasn’t just virtual. By the end of the texting, I realized they had actually met in person.

**Anne:** For our listeners, maybe some of you are not familiar with the term D-Day. I’ve used it frequently on the podcast, and realized I’ve never defined it. In this context, D-Day means discovery day. The day you discovered your husband’s addiction, husband’s secret life, that your husband is lying to you. Sometimes it happens when you check your husband’s phone. In my case, my worst D-Day was when my husband was arrested for domestic violence.

And I realized, wait a minute, the behaviors I’ve been experiencing for seven years have been emotional abuse and physical intimidation. So, that day when everything came to a halt, that is what we call D-Day. We would love to hear about your D-Day, what you experienced. You can comment anonymously below about what happened to you. We would love to hear your experience about when you found out you were a victim of betrayal trauma in your relationship.

**Angel:** If I can actually piggyback on the telling your story part, I think that is probably one of the most healing things you can do is tell your story. The more you tell your story, the more healing you get, at least that’s what I’ve experienced. Telling your story is super, super hard, but there is so much healing in telling that story. So please share your stories.

My Husband’s Lying Won’t Stop: Confrontation & Relapse

**Angel:** I confronted him. Of course, my husband kept lying and minimizing. And then I relapsed myself. I am a recovering drug addict. One of my friends had flown me down to Florida to shoot their wedding, and they had special favors of tequila with their names, and it was super cute. https://www.btr.org/is-there-hope-after-infidelity/

I kept them in my cabinet, but that day I grabbed the tequila, and my own relapse started and didn’t stop for a while. I wanted to kick him out, but I was too busy yelling at him. So I didn’t kick him out. Then I tried to get to the why’s. And of course, it was all me. It was everything I was doing wrong.

I went into this, I have to become a perfect wife because I drove my husband to an affair. That lasted a little while on a longer than it should have. Then the relapse got worse for me and he was still doing things that I didn’t even know existed yet.

And so I led the “recovery” by handing him books, finding him therapists, and trying to teach him how to help me. And the whole time, everything’s getting worse for us. There’s more fights. He’s starting to get borderline violent. He never actually hit me, but he would trap me in rooms when I wanted to leave to escape a discussion. Or he would try to force his way into rooms. If I didn’t want to have a discussion right then and there, the behaviors just really escalated.

Anne: Of course you thought you were doing the right thing by handing him books and finding your abusive husband a therapist.

Personal Downfall

**Angel:** About 15 months of this chaos, and unfortunately, I did my own acting out. I don’t know, I thought it was revenge. I thought that would make me feel better. All it did was make me feel worse. And to this day, it still breaks my heart that I did that. So 15 months later, nothing was better. Everything was worse. I clearly had PTSD at this point. The symptoms were there. I was a twitchy mess. That’s how I described myself.

So I kicked him out. Two days later, after I kicked him out, the floodgates opened and I found out about all the online explicit material. The men, the prostitutes, and everything else that went along with the addiction. So for 15 months, I thought it was just an affair, and then everything else came out. Because I have so much history with recovery from addiction, I know that change is possible. Even though I had found out my husband was still lying.

I let him come home, because now I had an answer. This is why we haven’t been able to heal. It was because of an addiction. Well, now we can fix the addiction. So I let him come home.

**Anne:** You’re having ups and downs with your own recovery during this time. And then you get the bombshell of finding out that he he’s been with other women, men, visiting prostitutes, and were you wondering if there is hope after infidelity?

**Angel:** I was a weird mix of terrified, shocked, but hopeful. Again, I believe in the power of recovery. I know that an addict can change, because I changed. I know that because I know a ton of addicts that have changed.

https://youtu.be/j8CvkDrWyRc

Living In Fear

**Angel:** And actually the addicts that I know that changed. They’re some of the most authentic people you’ll ever meet. I did have that hope, but I was terrified.

**Anne:** I feel the same way, by the way. Even with what I’ve been through, my ex husband’s not in recovery. Well, lately I’ve been praying every day that Christ will revive him. Like, literally, like, bring him back from the dead.

**Angel:** Amen.

**Anne:** Because I watch him and want our family together so badly, even though he’s my ex husband now. Even though I hold a no contact boundary because of his lack of emotional health, I still want our family together. So as you’re hoping for him to change, what are you doing?

**Angel:** I did my research, but I did the wrong research. I ended up in the female co-addict, codependent books. And I didn’t find the right path to healing for a long time. I was slowly starting to recover me. Because I had lost me at this point. I was literally unrecognizable within a few months of him moving back home after the second large disclosure.

That’s when the PTSD got insanely bad. Him coming home, nothing changed. I mean, all the behaviors that come along with addiction were there. My husband wouldn’t stop lying to me. He was angry. He blamed me for stuff. We were having circular conversations that made me feel insane.

I did not know my reality was what he said, just true. Am I actually crazy? I wrestled with that one for a long time. And then I got some form of, I guess it’s a agoraphobia.

My Husband Was Still Lying: Agoraphobia

**Angel:** I was so triggered whenever I left my bedroom. That I basically lived in my room for like a year. I remember there was a period for a couple of weeks where just going to the bathroom was traumatic, which sounds exaggerated. It was really, like I would put my hoodie on and put my hood over my head, for some reason that made me feel safer.

And I would literally run to the bathroom. Like there was this monster in the house that was going to get me. And then ran back, and my bedroom was like my cocoon. It was the only place I felt safe. And I missed a lot of my life for almost a year in that place. And the whole time he’s acting out and of course saying he’s not, he’s claiming his sobriety from the rooftops, and she’s actually just crazy, he just kept lying.

**Anne:** Was he sleeping in the bedroom with you at the time, or was he sleeping somewhere else in the house?

**Angel:** After he moved home, he was in the bedroom for a very short time, then he was on the couch.

**Anne:** Okay, so he’s not in the bedroom with you, and so thus you feel like you at least have a little bit of a safe space, kind of.

**Angel:** Yes.

**Anne:** But not really, since you’re still terrified.

**Angel:** Yeah, that was just my cocoon. We were in this chaotic cycle and the behaviors progressed. I said, I need to stop this conversation. And he grabbed my arms and was trying to force me to talk to him.

Isolated From Church & Friends

**Angel:** And he did it so hard that they bruised. And I didn’t even realize that was physical abuse. That thought never crossed my mind. He was starting to get mean with the kids. Everything was just escalating, and my children were suffering. Because you know, mom’s locked in her bedroom and dad’s gone crazy. This part’s just a little, a little hard, because I have kids I love and I was so depressed that they didn’t even matter.

And as a mom, that’s really, really hard to admit, but that’s how low things had gotten for me. And I should have explained. I have literally no family, none. He had isolated me from my church and from my friends. So I literally was alone. And so I’m sitting in my car with this bottle. And I hadn’t been to church in a couple of years. All of a sudden I hear this, not, well, not literally hearing, but “call Robin,” her name is Robin, a woman from my old church.

And Robin and I were never close. I mean, I know her, I liked her, but it’s not like we were good friends. I just kept feeling this call Robin, call Robin, call Robin. And I’m like, I don’t want to call Robin. I’m done. I’m done with life. I can’t do this anymore. I summoned up the nerve to call Robin, and I went to her house, and vomited my entire story onto Robin.

That’s the first time I’d ever told my entire story, and she had no advice. She just listened.

Back To Church & Telling My Story

**Angel:** By the end of it, I got angry. All of a sudden, I asked her for a Sharpie. She’s looking at me like I have three heads, but she gets me a Sharpie. On my wrists, I wrote live free one on each wrist that day. I decided I was done. I was not going to end my life because he couldn’t fix his. And that’s when recovery started for me.

**Anne:** Wow, you have a powerful story, and I appreciate your candor and sharing this with us today. And I’m sorry for all your pain. I can hear it in your voice, and so many of our listeners have felt similar feelings to what you felt. So when you decided to recover yourself, what were your first steps?

**Angel:** The first thing I did was go back to church. I knew that I was so far in a pit, I was not going to get out on my own. So I started reading my Bible all the time, and stopped listening to secular music. And I just surrounded myself with the word of God, and I actually sought out people for the first time. Then I started telling my story to anybody who would listen, because I needed help.

I was so desperate that I didn’t care if you were a rock. I was going to tell you my story. Because during all this, I found that five of my six children had struggled with online explicit material. It was just bad. I started going back to church, and I found a couple of different websites that had me doing exercises on like visualizing what I want my life to be. What my values are.

Creating Boundaries To Distance Myself From My Husband’s Lying

**Angel:** I learned the word boundary, I had never heard of it. Then I started reading books. Piece by piece, I started getting better. I actually kicked him out. And I filed for divorce, which wasn’t what I wanted, but I was literally dying. So I had no other options. And we were a month away from divorce when I heard about a program called Teen Challenge.

It’s actually designed for drug addicts. It’s like a rehab year-long live-in program. And I told my husband at the time, I’ll stop the divorce and see who you are. If you commit to go to teen challenge. I didn’t think he’d say yes, but he did.

He quit his job and lived in a program for a year. He got better for a couple months. And relapsed in Teen Challenge, or so he told me. Now he says he didn’t actually relapse of course my husband is lying. He’s changed the story so many times I don’t actually know the truth. But either way, he wasn’t getting better. So he graduated Teen Challenge.

I was still afraid of a relapse. There were still a lot of red flags for me. So he moved in with our pastor for a while, so I could see how he could handle life on the outside. My landlord in the house we lived in gave us 30 days notice because he was selling the house. So I had to find a new rental that would accept my brood of children and my animals while I’m working full time and still dealing with trauma.

And so I actually let him move home to help me.

Failed Reconciliation

**Angel:** It spiraled quickly over the summer, and he went back to those old bad behaviors, physically threatening me, the anger, the continued lying to me. And then I caught him with online explicit material and I kicked him out.

**Anne:** I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. Well, I can actually, sorry, part of me can. So you send him away for a year. You have faith in God, and he’s been through this program. He moves back home, and it all totally falls apart again. I imagine you were completely devastated at this point.

**Angel:** I started going back into, I call it, PTSD land, where I kind of lived with all the PTSD symptoms. What made me decide to kick him out was the agoraphobia came back again. And at this point, I had regained my life. I was an active mom, and I was who I was. I was fun, light, and doing things outside in the world. And I could handle football games for my son. I was me again.

And over that summer, all the old stuff started coming back in me, and I said, no, I’m not, I’m not going there again. And I kicked him out.

**Anne:** Wow, how are you feeling about God at this point?

**Angel:** Oh, I’m angry.

**Anne:** I would be too. I’m thinking God’s told you to send him to this year long thing, you’ve been doing all this alone. He comes back, and basically he is not changed at all. Why? Why didn’t you just have me end it a year ago? Right, we’ve all been through that thought process.

Reclaiming Faith

**Angel:** I just went through a year of basically hell, while he’s in rehab. And he’s not even out two months and he relapsed. What am I missing here?

**Anne:** Right.

**Angel:** Something’s not adding up. Yeah, I was angry. I felt betrayed by God. I love worship music, but all my worship music reminded me of my husband, so I stopped listening to that.

There’s this one song that talks about I’m going to take back what the enemy has stolen. For the longest time, that song resonated, we were going to take back our marriage. I decided to flip that song around, and it wasn’t about my marriage anymore. It was about what the enemy stole from me. And one of the things he stole from me was my faith in God. He got my marriage, but he doesn’t get to have my faith. He doesn’t get to take the pieces of me.

And honestly, I kind of yelled at God a lot. I yelled at God some more, and then I yelled at him some more. And every time I did it. I could feel him saying, I understand, but I got this. I kicked him out and he moved 900 miles away. We got divorced. The divorce is final. And I actually offered reconciliation. Obviously, it would require repentance and recovery, that has not happened.

And he has basically abandoned the kids. He has absolutely no contact with them whatsoever. Right now, that’s the hardest part watching my teenage girls go through that abandonment.

My Husband’s Crazy Behaviors & Lying Create Chaos

**Anne:** Yeah, my ex, he moved from a city he was living in temporarily back to the city where we live. He told his friends, I’m so excited to move back. I can spend more time with my kids. And then from the day he moved back, he hasn’t seen the kids for four weeks now.

When you’re talking about the definition of insanity. And where you were in that process of observing your husband’s behaviors, being in that chaos. And not being able to figure out exactly what was happening.

**Angel:** When you see these behaviors that are insane. That’s what they look like, and they make absolutely no sense. When he won’t stop lying to me, and you have a set of beliefs, morals, and standards. And your actions don’t match that, it creates its own chaos. That’s where you tend to see all the other crazy making behaviors that drive us absolutely insane. Lying, that’s probably one of the most rage igniting things.

**Anne:** Lying it’s like you’ve got Jekyll and Hyde .

**Angel:** Well, Jekyll and Hyde, like the wife finds something on the history of the computer, he has to figure out a way to make the two make sense. Lying is a good way to do it. Lying can alter our reality and perception of what’s going on. They’ll say things like, well, it’s not a real person, so it’s not that bad. It’s not even cheating.

I’m a man, I can’t help it. I have a high drive, and besides, all men look at it, right? I mean, it’s a guy thing. It’s just what they do. I only do it a few times a month. It’s not a problem.

Effects Of Online Explicit Material

**Anne:** Women in the industry are not treated well. Many of them are on drugs. Many of them have been exploited. They are miserable doing their job, and the time they spend in the industry is very, very short. Most of them don’t spend a lot of time doing it, because it’s so difficult for them. I’ve talked to someone on the other end. He produced itfor a while, and then stopped.

And he said, I always knew I was ruining the lives of the women I filmed. But I never thought about the people watching it and how their lives were also being ruined. I think it’s very difficult for them to realize that they’re hurting their wife, themselves, and also hurting the woman being exploited. They’re also hurting the people in it.

And so it’s important to teach people that it creates a demand for exploitation. And that demand must stop. As long as people are viewing it, there will also be exploitation and slavery. All the lying is so intense.

**Angel:** My husband won’t stop lying to me. He twists words to convince me that these lies make sense. Like, I deserve to watch that, because my wife won’t have it with me, even though that doesn’t make any sense. That one is so damaging to women, because one of the big lies is the way the wife looks.

Or they will blame the weight the wife has gained, or the activities that the wife is willing to do. If she did such and such act, I wouldn’t have to watch it. Or, if she took care of herself and lost some weight, I wouldn’t have to watch it.

Lame Excuses, Lies & Projecting

**Angel:** Or, if she wasn’t such a mean, demanding person, then I wouldn’t need all this stress relief. Or, I’ve had a really bad day at work, all my customers are jerks, and I’ve been treated like crap by my boss, and I deserve to watch it.

**Anne:** In my case, I was too much, asked too many questions, was too consistent, demanding and controlling. Because I was a woman of my word, I had integrity. I was trying to figure out what was going on, and I was not going to stop until I had the answers.

Although at the end, he told me that I was not attractive. But before that, it was that I was too much, and then it became that I wasn’t enough. And it was very hurtful to me. I had the same issue, my husband kept lying to me. Those lies still ring in my ears. He also lied about small things too.

**Angel:** Right, mine was good at projecting. He started isolating himself from the family. We would have things that we were going to do, like carve pumpkins. I’d say, come on, let’s go carve pumpkins. And he would say he was working in his office, and he wasn’t. Or, hey, let’s go to the park. Pretty much anything with the family, he kept lying to me.

Well, he said he cheated because I didn’t want him involved in my life. Like he literally would flip everything around, and then he would say things like, I didn’t want it enough. And the reality was that I was starved and turned down all the time.

My Husband Won’t Stop Lying: Gaslighting & Emotional Abuse

**Anne:** Mine didn’t ever initiate in the first place, and then I stopped initiating. And he didn’t ever do it, and I’m sure he tells people she wouldn’t have it with me. So that was a lie he told about me. And I’m like, well, you only initiated twice during that six months where I didn’t initiate. And both of those times were immediately after I had been severely emotionally abused.

I wasn’t safe. And then you didn’t ever try when I did feel safe. So yeah, that makes sense. But he doesn’t tell people, because I didn’t initiate it for six months. That gaslighting is intense and traumatizing. Gaslighting is part of emotional abuse.

**Angel:** Yeah, and the gaslighting made me feel crazy, because I didn’t know my reality. Gaslighting is lying. My husband wouldn’t stop lying to me. And that’s such a hard thing to describe, not knowing my reality. But when everything is twisted and all I had was him and me. I didn’t have anybody to tell me, okay, no, that’s not right. Or that’s not making sense. I don’t know what’s up or down, and it’s all because of the gaslighting.

He would say something, and then five minutes later I would repeat it back to him, and he would say, I never said that. And I’m like, yes, you did, but by the end of the conversation, I’m going, well, did I?

**Angel:** Really didn’t know.

**Anne:** Yeah, or they say, I know I said that, but that’s not what I meant. And you’re like, no, this is what you meant. This is exactly what you said, but now you’re denying it. It’s strange, yeah.

Educating Women On Abuse

**Anne:** The reason we talk about abuse is to educate women about the behaviors they can expect. So that they know they’re not crazy, so they can start to observe their husband’s behavior to see if their husband is emotionally safe. Learn about this in The Living Free Workshop. My number one goal with Betrayal Trauma Recovery is to teach women what these safe behaviors look like. So that they can start to establish safety for themselves. Because you cannot heal from the trauma if trauma is continually happening to you.

**Angel:** No matter what’s going on with him, there is hope for you. You don’t have to stay stuck. Your life can change. Your life can get better.

**Anne:** You are worth it.

**Angel:** Amen.

**Anne:** You are worth it. God loves you, and he wants you to be safe. Thank you so much for being here. I appreciate the time you’ve taken to talk with us.

**Angel:** Thank you for having me.

Can You Forgive A Lying Husband? — **My Husband Won’t Stop Lying To Me – Angel’s Story** Aug 26, 2025
If you’re realizing, “My husband won’t stop lying.” You’re not alone. Angel shares her heartbreaking experience, giving her second husband every opportunity to change. Lying is part of emotional abuse. To find out if you are emotionally abused, take thisfree emotional abuse quiz.

If your husband won’t stop lying, you need support. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.

Transcript: My Husband Won’t Stop Lying

**Anne:** Today we have Angel , a survivor of two marriages that ended due to addiction. She has six awesome kids. Welcome.

**Angel:** Thanks for having me.

**Anne:** We’re going to talk to you a little bit about your personal story. You went through two marriages with addicted husbands. Let’s focus on the second marriage and what happened there. Can you talk to me about what your life was like before that D-Day with your second spouse?

**Angel:** I was divorced from my first husband, who was a pornography addict. And I met this guy who was everything I never imagined existed. He was soft. He was sweet. But not in a weird way. He was just this super awesome, amazing guy. I was not actually a Christian at the time, neither was he. We dated for a couple of years and bought a house together, and we went to church, and we both got saved in that church. And when we got saved, we got convicted for living together.

So we got married. I had already had six children from my first marriage. My children were rather young. It was a pretty normal life. I had the kind of relationship that my friends were jealous of, because my husband was always home. He would do chores. He didn’t leave his underwear on the floor. I had all kinds of health problems, but even despite all that, life was just good. Then after a couple of major surgeries and a foreclosure, we moved and everything changed.

He was very different, and I couldn’t figure out why. Of course, I thought it was me or my kids, because it couldn’t possibly be him. I didn’t know then that my husband was lying.

Discovery Day (D-Day)

**Angel:** I had been a stay at home mom, which I loved, but I opened a photography studio, so we were a pretty normal couple. didn’t go to church, which was unfortunate. I kept trying to get him to try new churches. But he was very resistant, and as time progressed, he got more and more distant. I started seeing more anger and lying, our intimate life almost disappeared.

And then one day, I was on his computer. I had all his passwords, and he had all mine, we had nothing to hide. So I looked at his computer history, not sure why I was looking at his computer history. Because he swore he never watched online explicit material, and I believed him.

I saw a bunch of meetup groups in his history. And all the profiles he looked at were female. And I thought that’s really weird, but I brushed it off, thinking he was looking for a tech meetup group because he’s a tech guy.

As I kept looking and seeing all these female profiles, it was like a light bulb went off. I out loud said, “My husband’s having an affair,” but I couldn’t see anything. So I ended up combing through his computer trying to find something, and I couldn’t find anything. So I went upstairs and got his phone, and started looking through the phone. I didn’t see anything until I found the Google Voice app.

And when I found the Google Voice app, I read two years worth of texts from his affair partner. So that was my first D-Day. And found out my husband had been lying.

Understanding D-Day

**Angel:** Yeah, like, as I’m telling it, I can literally feel still reading the texts from her. And at first I thought it was just virtual. But it wasn’t just virtual. By the end of the texting, I realized they had actually met in person.

**Anne:** For our listeners, maybe some of you are not familiar with the term D-Day. I’ve used it frequently on the podcast, and realized I’ve never defined it. In this context, D-Day means discovery day. The day you discovered your husband’s addiction, husband’s secret life, that your husband is lying to you. Sometimes it happens when you check your husband’s phone. In my case, my worst D-Day was when my husband was arrested for domestic violence.

And I realized, wait a minute, the behaviors I’ve been experiencing for seven years have been emotional abuse and physical intimidation. So, that day when everything came to a halt, that is what we call D-Day. We would love to hear about your D-Day, what you experienced. You can comment anonymously below about what happened to you. We would love to hear your experience about when you found out you were a victim of betrayal trauma in your relationship.

**Angel:** If I can actually piggyback on the telling your story part, I think that is probably one of the most healing things you can do is tell your story. The more you tell your story, the more healing you get, at least that’s what I’ve experienced. Telling your story is super, super hard, but there is so much healing in telling that story. So please share your stories.

My Husband’s Lying Won’t Stop: Confrontation & Relapse

**Angel:** I confronted him. Of course, my husband kept lying and minimizing. And then I relapsed myself. I am a recovering drug addict. One of my friends had flown me down to Florida to shoot their wedding, and they had special favors of tequila with their names, and it was super cute. https://www.btr.org/is-there-hope-after-infidelity/

I kept them in my cabinet, but that day I grabbed the tequila, and my own relapse started and didn’t stop for a while. I wanted to kick him out, but I was too busy yelling at him. So I didn’t kick him out. Then I tried to get to the why’s. And of course, it was all me. It was everything I was doing wrong.

I went into this, I have to become a perfect wife because I drove my husband to an affair. That lasted a little while on a longer than it should have. Then the relapse got worse for me and he was still doing things that I didn’t even know existed yet.

And so I led the “recovery” by handing him books, finding him therapists, and trying to teach him how to help me. And the whole time, everything’s getting worse for us. There’s more fights. He’s starting to get borderline violent. He never actually hit me, but he would trap me in rooms when I wanted to leave to escape a discussion. Or he would try to force his way into rooms. If I didn’t want to have a discussion right then and there, the behaviors just really escalated.

Anne: Of course you thought you were doing the right thing by handing him books and finding your abusive husband a therapist.

Personal Downfall

**Angel:** About 15 months of this chaos, and unfortunately, I did my own acting out. I don’t know, I thought it was revenge. I thought that would make me feel better. All it did was make me feel worse. And to this day, it still breaks my heart that I did that. So 15 months later, nothing was better. Everything was worse. I clearly had PTSD at this point. The symptoms were there. I was a twitchy mess. That’s how I described myself.

So I kicked him out. Two days later, after I kicked him out, the floodgates opened and I found out about all the online explicit material. The men, the prostitutes, and everything else that went along with the addiction. So for 15 months, I thought it was just an affair, and then everything else came out. Because I have so much history with recovery from addiction, I know that change is possible. Even though I had found out my husband was still lying.

I let him come home, because now I had an answer. This is why we haven’t been able to heal. It was because of an addiction. Well, now we can fix the addiction. So I let him come home.

**Anne:** You’re having ups and downs with your own recovery during this time. And then you get the bombshell of finding out that he he’s been with other women, men, visiting prostitutes, and were you wondering if there is hope after infidelity?

**Angel:** I was a weird mix of terrified, shocked, but hopeful. Again, I believe in the power of recovery. I know that an addict can change, because I changed. I know that because I know a ton of addicts that have changed.

https://youtu.be/j8CvkDrWyRc

Living In Fear

**Angel:** And actually the addicts that I know that changed. They’re some of the most authentic people you’ll ever meet. I did have that hope, but I was terrified.

**Anne:** I feel the same way, by the way. Even with what I’ve been through, my ex husband’s not in recovery. Well, lately I’ve been praying every day that Christ will revive him. Like, literally, like, bring him back from the dead.

**Angel:** Amen.

**Anne:** Because I watch him and want our family together so badly, even though he’s my ex husband now. Even though I hold a no contact boundary because of his lack of emotional health, I still want our family together. So as you’re hoping for him to change, what are you doing?

**Angel:** I did my research, but I did the wrong research. I ended up in the female co-addict, codependent books. And I didn’t find the right path to healing for a long time. I was slowly starting to recover me. Because I had lost me at this point. I was literally unrecognizable within a few months of him moving back home after the second large disclosure.

That’s when the PTSD got insanely bad. Him coming home, nothing changed. I mean, all the behaviors that come along with addiction were there. My husband wouldn’t stop lying to me. He was angry. He blamed me for stuff. We were having circular conversations that made me feel insane.

I did not know my reality was what he said, just true. Am I actually crazy? I wrestled with that one for a long time. And then I got some form of, I guess it’s a agoraphobia.

My Husband Was Still Lying: Agoraphobia

**Angel:** I was so triggered whenever I left my bedroom. That I basically lived in my room for like a year. I remember there was a period for a couple of weeks where just going to the bathroom was traumatic, which sounds exaggerated. It was really, like I would put my hoodie on and put my hood over my head, for some reason that made me feel safer.

And I would literally run to the bathroom. Like there was this monster in the house that was going to get me. And then ran back, and my bedroom was like my cocoon. It was the only place I felt safe. And I missed a lot of my life for almost a year in that place. And the whole time he’s acting out and of course saying he’s not, he’s claiming his sobriety from the rooftops, and she’s actually just crazy, he just kept lying.

**Anne:** Was he sleeping in the bedroom with you at the time, or was he sleeping somewhere else in the house?

**Angel:** After he moved home, he was in the bedroom for a very short time, then he was on the couch.

**Anne:** Okay, so he’s not in the bedroom with you, and so thus you feel like you at least have a little bit of a safe space, kind of.

**Angel:** Yes.

**Anne:** But not really, since you’re still terrified.

**Angel:** Yeah, that was just my cocoon. We were in this chaotic cycle and the behaviors progressed. I said, I need to stop this conversation. And he grabbed my arms and was trying to force me to talk to him.

Isolated From Church & Friends

**Angel:** And he did it so hard that they bruised. And I didn’t even realize that was physical abuse. That thought never crossed my mind. He was starting to get mean with the kids. Everything was just escalating, and my children were suffering. Because you know, mom’s locked in her bedroom and dad’s gone crazy. This part’s just a little, a little hard, because I have kids I love and I was so depressed that they didn’t even matter.

And as a mom, that’s really, really hard to admit, but that’s how low things had gotten for me. And I should have explained. I have literally no family, none. He had isolated me from my church and from my friends. So I literally was alone. And so I’m sitting in my car with this bottle. And I hadn’t been to church in a couple of years. All of a sudden I hear this, not, well, not literally hearing, but “call Robin,” her name is Robin, a woman from my old church.

And Robin and I were never close. I mean, I know her, I liked her, but it’s not like we were good friends. I just kept feeling this call Robin, call Robin, call Robin. And I’m like, I don’t want to call Robin. I’m done. I’m done with life. I can’t do this anymore. I summoned up the nerve to call Robin, and I went to her house, and vomited my entire story onto Robin.

That’s the first time I’d ever told my entire story, and she had no advice. She just listened.

Back To Church & Telling My Story

**Angel:** By the end of it, I got angry. All of a sudden, I asked her for a Sharpie. She’s looking at me like I have three heads, but she gets me a Sharpie. On my wrists, I wrote live free one on each wrist that day. I decided I was done. I was not going to end my life because he couldn’t fix his. And that’s when recovery started for me.

**Anne:** Wow, you have a powerful story, and I appreciate your candor and sharing this with us today. And I’m sorry for all your pain. I can hear it in your voice, and so many of our listeners have felt similar feelings to what you felt. So when you decided to recover yourself, what were your first steps?

**Angel:** The first thing I did was go back to church. I knew that I was so far in a pit, I was not going to get out on my own. So I started reading my Bible all the time, and stopped listening to secular music. And I just surrounded myself with the word of God, and I actually sought out people for the first time. Then I started telling my story to anybody who would listen, because I needed help.

I was so desperate that I didn’t care if you were a rock. I was going to tell you my story. Because during all this, I found that five of my six children had struggled with online explicit material. It was just bad. I started going back to church, and I found a couple of different websites that had me doing exercises on like visualizing what I want my life to be. What my values are.

Creating Boundaries To Distance Myself From My Husband’s Lying

**Angel:** I learned the word boundary, I had never heard of it. Then I started reading books. Piece by piece, I started getting better. I actually kicked him out. And I filed for divorce, which wasn’t what I wanted, but I was literally dying. So I had no other options. And we were a month away from divorce when I heard about a program called Teen Challenge.

It’s actually designed for drug addicts. It’s like a rehab year-long live-in program. And I told my husband at the time, I’ll stop the divorce and see who you are. If you commit to go to teen challenge. I didn’t think he’d say yes, but he did.

He quit his job and lived in a program for a year. He got better for a couple months. And relapsed in Teen Challenge, or so he told me. Now he says he didn’t actually relapse of course my husband is lying. He’s changed the story so many times I don’t actually know the truth. But either way, he wasn’t getting better. So he graduated Teen Challenge.

I was still afraid of a relapse. There were still a lot of red flags for me. So he moved in with our pastor for a while, so I could see how he could handle life on the outside. My landlord in the house we lived in gave us 30 days notice because he was selling the house. So I had to find a new rental that would accept my brood of children and my animals while I’m working full time and still dealing with trauma.

And so I actually let him move home to help me.

Failed Reconciliation

**Angel:** It spiraled quickly over the summer, and he went back to those old bad behaviors, physically threatening me, the anger, the continued lying to me. And then I caught him with online explicit material and I kicked him out.

**Anne:** I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. Well, I can actually, sorry, part of me can. So you send him away for a year. You have faith in God, and he’s been through this program. He moves back home, and it all totally falls apart again. I imagine you were completely devastated at this point.

**Angel:** I started going back into, I call it, PTSD land, where I kind of lived with all the PTSD symptoms. What made me decide to kick him out was the agoraphobia came back again. And at this point, I had regained my life. I was an active mom, and I was who I was. I was fun, light, and doing things outside in the world. And I could handle football games for my son. I was me again.

And over that summer, all the old stuff started coming back in me, and I said, no, I’m not, I’m not going there again. And I kicked him out.

**Anne:** Wow, how are you feeling about God at this point?

**Angel:** Oh, I’m angry.

**Anne:** I would be too. I’m thinking God’s told you to send him to this year long thing, you’ve been doing all this alone. He comes back, and basically he is not changed at all. Why? Why didn’t you just have me end it a year ago? Right, we’ve all been through that thought process.

Reclaiming Faith

**Angel:** I just went through a year of basically hell, while he’s in rehab. And he’s not even out two months and he relapsed. What am I missing here?

**Anne:** Right.

**Angel:** Something’s not adding up. Yeah, I was angry. I felt betrayed by God. I love worship music, but all my worship music reminded me of my husband, so I stopped listening to that.

There’s this one song that talks about I’m going to take back what the enemy has stolen. For the longest time, that song resonated, we were going to take back our marriage. I decided to flip that song around, and it wasn’t about my marriage anymore. It was about what the enemy stole from me. And one of the things he stole from me was my faith in God. He got my marriage, but he doesn’t get to have my faith. He doesn’t get to take the pieces of me.

And honestly, I kind of yelled at God a lot. I yelled at God some more, and then I yelled at him some more. And every time I did it. I could feel him saying, I understand, but I got this. I kicked him out and he moved 900 miles away. We got divorced. The divorce is final. And I actually offered reconciliation. Obviously, it would require repentance and recovery, that has not happened.

And he has basically abandoned the kids. He has absolutely no contact with them whatsoever. Right now, that’s the hardest part watching my teenage girls go through that abandonment.

My Husband’s Crazy Behaviors & Lying Create Chaos

**Anne:** Yeah, my ex, he moved from a city he was living in temporarily back to the city where we live. He told his friends, I’m so excited to move back. I can spend more time with my kids. And then from the day he moved back, he hasn’t seen the kids for four weeks now.

When you’re talking about the definition of insanity. And where you were in that process of observing your husband’s behaviors, being in that chaos. And not being able to figure out exactly what was happening.

**Angel:** When you see these behaviors that are insane. That’s what they look like, and they make absolutely no sense. When he won’t stop lying to me, and you have a set of beliefs, morals, and standards. And your actions don’t match that, it creates its own chaos. That’s where you tend to see all the other crazy making behaviors that drive us absolutely insane. Lying, that’s probably one of the most rage igniting things.

**Anne:** Lying it’s like you’ve got Jekyll and Hyde .

**Angel:** Well, Jekyll and Hyde, like the wife finds something on the history of the computer, he has to figure out a way to make the two make sense. Lying is a good way to do it. Lying can alter our reality and perception of what’s going on. They’ll say things like, well, it’s not a real person, so it’s not that bad. It’s not even cheating.

I’m a man, I can’t help it. I have a high drive, and besides, all men look at it, right? I mean, it’s a guy thing. It’s just what they do. I only do it a few times a month. It’s not a problem.

Effects Of Online Explicit Material

**Anne:** Women in the industry are not treated well. Many of them are on drugs. Many of them have been exploited. They are miserable doing their job, and the time they spend in the industry is very, very short. Most of them don’t spend a lot of time doing it, because it’s so difficult for them. I’ve talked to someone on the other end. He produced itfor a while, and then stopped.

And he said, I always knew I was ruining the lives of the women I filmed. But I never thought about the people watching it and how their lives were also being ruined. I think it’s very difficult for them to realize that they’re hurting their wife, themselves, and also hurting the woman being exploited. They’re also hurting the people in it.

And so it’s important to teach people that it creates a demand for exploitation. And that demand must stop. As long as people are viewing it, there will also be exploitation and slavery. All the lying is so intense.

**Angel:** My husband won’t stop lying to me. He twists words to convince me that these lies make sense. Like, I deserve to watch that, because my wife won’t have it with me, even though that doesn’t make any sense. That one is so damaging to women, because one of the big lies is the way the wife looks.

Or they will blame the weight the wife has gained, or the activities that the wife is willing to do. If she did such and such act, I wouldn’t have to watch it. Or, if she took care of herself and lost some weight, I wouldn’t have to watch it.

Lame Excuses, Lies & Projecting

**Angel:** Or, if she wasn’t such a mean, demanding person, then I wouldn’t need all this stress relief. Or, I’ve had a really bad day at work, all my customers are jerks, and I’ve been treated like crap by my boss, and I deserve to watch it.

**Anne:** In my case, I was too much, asked too many questions, was too consistent, demanding and controlling. Because I was a woman of my word, I had integrity. I was trying to figure out what was going on, and I was not going to stop until I had the answers.

Although at the end, he told me that I was not attractive. But before that, it was that I was too much, and then it became that I wasn’t enough. And it was very hurtful to me. I had the same issue, my husband kept lying to me. Those lies still ring in my ears. He also lied about small things too.

**Angel:** Right, mine was good at projecting. He started isolating himself from the family. We would have things that we were going to do, like carve pumpkins. I’d say, come on, let’s go carve pumpkins. And he would say he was working in his office, and he wasn’t. Or, hey, let’s go to the park. Pretty much anything with the family, he kept lying to me.

Well, he said he cheated because I didn’t want him involved in my life. Like he literally would flip everything around, and then he would say things like, I didn’t want it enough. And the reality was that I was starved and turned down all the time.

My Husband Won’t Stop Lying: Gaslighting & Emotional Abuse

**Anne:** Mine didn’t ever initiate in the first place, and then I stopped initiating. And he didn’t ever do it, and I’m sure he tells people she wouldn’t have it with me. So that was a lie he told about me. And I’m like, well, you only initiated twice during that six months where I didn’t initiate. And both of those times were immediately after I had been severely emotionally abused.

I wasn’t safe. And then you didn’t ever try when I did feel safe. So yeah, that makes sense. But he doesn’t tell people, because I didn’t initiate it for six months. That gaslighting is intense and traumatizing. Gaslighting is part of emotional abuse.

**Angel:** Yeah, and the gaslighting made me feel crazy, because I didn’t know my reality. Gaslighting is lying. My husband wouldn’t stop lying to me. And that’s such a hard thing to describe, not knowing my reality. But when everything is twisted and all I had was him and me. I didn’t have anybody to tell me, okay, no, that’s not right. Or that’s not making sense. I don’t know what’s up or down, and it’s all because of the gaslighting.

He would say something, and then five minutes later I would repeat it back to him, and he would say, I never said that. And I’m like, yes, you did, but by the end of the conversation, I’m going, well, did I?

**Angel:** Really didn’t know.

**Anne:** Yeah, or they say, I know I said that, but that’s not what I meant. And you’re like, no, this is what you meant. This is exactly what you said, but now you’re denying it. It’s strange, yeah.

Educating Women On Abuse

**Anne:** The reason we talk about abuse is to educate women about the behaviors they can expect. So that they know they’re not crazy, so they can start to observe their husband’s behavior to see if their husband is emotionally safe. Learn about this in The Living Free Workshop. My number one goal with Betrayal Trauma Recovery is to teach women what these safe behaviors look like. So that they can start to establish safety for themselves. Because you cannot heal from the trauma if trauma is continually happening to you.

**Angel:** No matter what’s going on with him, there is hope for you. You don’t have to stay stuck. Your life can change. Your life can get better.

**Anne:** You are worth it.

**Angel:** Amen.

**Anne:** You are worth it. God loves you, and he wants you to be safe. Thank you so much for being here. I appreciate the time you’ve taken to talk with us.

**Angel:** Thank you for having me.

Jesus Teachings On Abuse — **What Does Jesus Say About Abuse? Points From The Bible** Aug 12, 2025
In the face of emotional and psychological abuse, women often carry the burden of being the peacemaker. But what does Jesus say about abuse?

Matthew 5:25 is often quoted to manipulate women. But here’s what Jesus is really saying.

To see if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

What Does The Bible Say About People Who Are Abused?

Let’s take Matthew 5:25 – What does Jesus say about abuse? Jesus says, “Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.”

If your husband is emotionally and psychologically abusive, rather than engage with the abuser, you can quickly and passively agree (if it’s safe to do so). Anne shares an example on the podcast:

“You can be a peacemaker *and* you can be safe with the strategy of agreement. Here are some examples. Let’s say your husband says something like, ‘Well, you don’t respect me and you never listen to me.’

Rather than diving into an argument or pulling out all the times where you did listen to him and how you do respect him, because you always ask his opinion before you spend more than $50 and all the reasons why you are a good person. You can say, ‘*oh, that’s interesting; I haven’t thought of that.*‘”

How To Agree With The Abuser 101

Best practice is to appear disinterested and apathetic. The abuser wants to create chaos. We want you to create distance between yourself and the abuse so that you can create safety for yourself. Here are some phrases (along with a disinterested, apathetic impression) to use when you’re “agreeing quickly” with the abuser:

Huh, that’s interesting. I’ll look into it.

I hadn’t really given that much thought – thanks.

That may be true.

Fair enough.

Very interesting. I appreciate your thought.

I will definitely give that more thought.

That may be valid.

All opinions are generally worth consideration.

I will consider that.

Yeah, you may be right.

Apathetic Agreement Quashes Chaotic Arguments

Your apathetic, disinterested “agreement” is a great way to quash his attempts at arguing with you.

The word salad, gaslighting, intimidation, and other abusive tactics that come up when abusers “argue” with victims can be extremely damaging. A quick, apathetic agreement is a great way to “douse the fire” and create an opportunity for you to get a safe distance from the abuser.

“I’m not mad or upset; there’s no fight. They love a fight, and they also love it when you do what they want. So they’re trying to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do. But if you’re not going to do that, then they will enjoy the chaos of an argument.”

*Anne Blythe, founder of BTR.ORG*

BTR.ORG Is Here For You

The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop has many more of these strategies. You don’t have to do this alone. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today.

Transcript: What Does Jesus Say About Abuse?

**Anne:** It’s just me today. Even though this podcast is interfaith and interparadigm, many of you who listen are Christian. If you are not Christian, this episode will still help you, and these principles will apply. Yes, it is what does Jesus say about abuse, but it’s also one of the strategies from the Living Free Workshop, and I’m going to go into detail about it. In the Living Free Workshop, it is all secular. It’s just the strategies themselves, without any background information about how I discovered it.

So what does Jesus say about abuse? What does the Bible say about divorce?We’re going to look at some scriptures that abusers have used to spiritually abuse victims, so that they can exploit them. The first one is Matthew 5:25. It’s part of the Sermon on the Mount. And Jesus says, “Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou are in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee unto the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.”

In the scripture, he’s talking about someone who wants to do you harm. They want to imprison you. When it comes to abusers, they want to oppress you, and they’re going to say things to manipulate you. So Jesus says we should agree quickly with our adversary, and this is the best way to deal with a dangerous person in a strategic way. So here’s an example of agreeing quickly with an adversary, and how it can protect you.

Real-Life Example: Singles Event

**Anne:** I was at a singles event and there was a man who wanted me to talk to him. I was not into it because he was like, 30 years older than me, and no.

And as I was like, brushing him off, he said, “You really push men away. Men aren’t going to like that.” And I remembered what Jesus said about agreeing quickly with my adversary. So I said, “Yeah. cool.” Basically, like, yeah, I do push men away, great. Instead of doing what he wanted me to do, which was stop and say, oh, of course I don’t want to push men away, I will talk to you because I’m polite. I was like, yeah, I push men away, mission accomplished.

What Does Jesus Say About Abuse? Applying the Strategy in Marriage

**Anne:** When it’s a husband, he’s going to say things like, you don’t care. You don’t love me, you won’t meet my needs, you don’t respect me. You don’t respect me is the most common abuser statement there is. Instead of trying to prove that you do respect him, or explain to him why you don’t respect him. Think about this strategy that Christ taught us. Jesus says about abusers to Agree quickly with an adversary.

You could say, oh yeah, maybe I don’t. And then you always need to follow up with an exit strategy. That’s the quickly part. You agree immediately, and then exit. So with the man at the singles event, I said, “Oh yeah, I do push men away, cool.” And I walked off. With your husband, the quickly part would be like, I have to fold the laundry. We can talk about it later. And the strategic thing. Don’t ever talk about it later. Don’t bring it up.

https://youtube.com/shorts/txDvx6YrT6w

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.” Now, it’s impossible to have peace when someone is trying to oppress you and they are legit trying to distress you. That is their goal. They’re going to cause problems no matter what. So Jesus says, one strategic way to protect ourselves is to agree with them. Do it with an apathetic, disinterested stance toward them.

Abusers want one of two things. They either want to exploit us, so they want us to do what they want, to our detriment. And if they can’t get that, a juicy fight will do. They enjoy our distress.

Strategic Responses to Manipulation

**Anne:** So when we won’t do what they want, we also don’t engage in an argument or conversation about it. And give them the impression that they can’t get our attention. That’s one way to protect ourselves. With the man at the singles event, after I said what I said, I walked off in peace, happily.

So here are some examples with your husband. Let’s say your husband says something like, you don’t respect me and you never listen to me. Again, rather than proving to him how you do listen to him saying things like, what are you talking about? I always ask your opinion before I spend more than $50. What are you talking about? I double checked with you before I did this thing, instead of doing that. A Jesus approved strategic response might be something like, huh, I hadn’t thought about that.

Oh, I told Betsy that I’d go visit her. I’ve got to go to the neighbor’s. I’ll be back in about an hour. A distracted, I’m busy doing something else is the strategic way to separate yourself from that type of emotional and psychological abuse. Because remember he wants the chaos. He wants to drum it up.

So here’s another example of how to set boundaries with your husband. Let’s say he uses your own values to trap you into exploiting you. He might say, if you cared about our family, you would, and then state the thing he’s trying to manipulate you to do. Here is the agree with an adversary quickly version of a response. That’s something for me to think about. I’m going to go wash the car. I’ll be back when I’m done with my errands. Can I pick anything up for you at the store while I’m out?

Living with an Abuser: What Does Jesus Say About Abuse? Fireproof Suit

**Anne:** No matter what, they are on fire, and you can’t do anything to put the fire out, unfortunately. But this is to protect yourself as much as possible. If you’re living with the abuser, this is like putting on a fireproof suit. Now, I found that not being able to just be myself felt very suffocating and exhausting, and I did not want to live with a fireproof suit on all the time. So I ended up escalating my boundaries. The Bible also says a lot about boundaries in marriage.

Some of you might feel that wearing this fireproof suit is your safest option. Whatever you choose is the right thing for you. But this strategy can be applied whether you’re married and still living in the home. Or separating or divorced with any type of unsafe person when they’re trying to get power over you. It’s a good strategy to use to protect yourself. Jesus says about abusers to agree quickly with our adversary, or to be a peacemaker for our own safety. It’s not to benefit him whatsoever.

You don’t have to actually agree with him to agree with an adversary. This, oh, I need to think about that, hmm, you have a point. Will give you enough space to determine what level of safety you actually have. Then you can evolve and try again, just like the Living Free Strategies teach.

Living Free Workshop Principles

**Anne:** Those who have enrolled in the Living Free Workshop will know exactly what I’m talking about, because this is one of the principles in there. Again, in the Living Free Workshop itself, I don’t teach this with scriptures. It’s in a completely secular context. There is like an appendix at the back, if you’re interested in my personal scripture study and where I came up with some of these strategies based on what Jesus said about abuse.

I wanted to hit on that strategy. I’d love to know what you think about it. You can scroll to the bottom, I’d love to hear your comments. Let me know what you think.

Jesus Scriptures On Abuse — **What Does Jesus Say About Abuse? Points From The Bible** Aug 12, 2025
In the face of emotional and psychological abuse, women often carry the burden of being the peacemaker. But what does Jesus say about abuse?

Matthew 5:25 is often quoted to manipulate women. But here’s what Jesus is really saying.

To see if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

What Does The Bible Say About People Who Are Abused?

Let’s take Matthew 5:25 – What does Jesus say about abuse? Jesus says, “Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.”

If your husband is emotionally and psychologically abusive, rather than engage with the abuser, you can quickly and passively agree (if it’s safe to do so). Anne shares an example on the podcast:

“You can be a peacemaker *and* you can be safe with the strategy of agreement. Here are some examples. Let’s say your husband says something like, ‘Well, you don’t respect me and you never listen to me.’

Rather than diving into an argument or pulling out all the times where you did listen to him and how you do respect him, because you always ask his opinion before you spend more than $50 and all the reasons why you are a good person. You can say, ‘*oh, that’s interesting; I haven’t thought of that.*‘”

How To Agree With The Abuser 101

Best practice is to appear disinterested and apathetic. The abuser wants to create chaos. We want you to create distance between yourself and the abuse so that you can create safety for yourself. Here are some phrases (along with a disinterested, apathetic impression) to use when you’re “agreeing quickly” with the abuser:

Huh, that’s interesting. I’ll look into it.

I hadn’t really given that much thought – thanks.

That may be true.

Fair enough.

Very interesting. I appreciate your thought.

I will definitely give that more thought.

That may be valid.

All opinions are generally worth consideration.

I will consider that.

Yeah, you may be right.

Apathetic Agreement Quashes Chaotic Arguments

Your apathetic, disinterested “agreement” is a great way to quash his attempts at arguing with you.

The word salad, gaslighting, intimidation, and other abusive tactics that come up when abusers “argue” with victims can be extremely damaging. A quick, apathetic agreement is a great way to “douse the fire” and create an opportunity for you to get a safe distance from the abuser.

“I’m not mad or upset; there’s no fight. They love a fight, and they also love it when you do what they want. So they’re trying to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do. But if you’re not going to do that, then they will enjoy the chaos of an argument.”

*Anne Blythe, founder of BTR.ORG*

BTR.ORG Is Here For You

The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop has many more of these strategies. You don’t have to do this alone. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today.

Transcript: What Does Jesus Say About Abuse?

**Anne:** It’s just me today. Even though this podcast is interfaith and interparadigm, many of you who listen are Christian. If you are not Christian, this episode will still help you, and these principles will apply. Yes, it is what does Jesus say about abuse, but it’s also one of the strategies from the Living Free Workshop, and I’m going to go into detail about it. In the Living Free Workshop, it is all secular. It’s just the strategies themselves, without any background information about how I discovered it.

So what does Jesus say about abuse? What does the Bible say about divorce?We’re going to look at some scriptures that abusers have used to spiritually abuse victims, so that they can exploit them. The first one is Matthew 5:25. It’s part of the Sermon on the Mount. And Jesus says, “Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou are in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee unto the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.”

In the scripture, he’s talking about someone who wants to do you harm. They want to imprison you. When it comes to abusers, they want to oppress you, and they’re going to say things to manipulate you. So Jesus says we should agree quickly with our adversary, and this is the best way to deal with a dangerous person in a strategic way. So here’s an example of agreeing quickly with an adversary, and how it can protect you.

Real-Life Example: Singles Event

**Anne:** I was at a singles event and there was a man who wanted me to talk to him. I was not into it because he was like, 30 years older than me, and no.

And as I was like, brushing him off, he said, “You really push men away. Men aren’t going to like that.” And I remembered what Jesus said about agreeing quickly with my adversary. So I said, “Yeah. cool.” Basically, like, yeah, I do push men away, great. Instead of doing what he wanted me to do, which was stop and say, oh, of course I don’t want to push men away, I will talk to you because I’m polite. I was like, yeah, I push men away, mission accomplished.

What Does Jesus Say About Abuse? Applying the Strategy in Marriage

**Anne:** When it’s a husband, he’s going to say things like, you don’t care. You don’t love me, you won’t meet my needs, you don’t respect me. You don’t respect me is the most common abuser statement there is. Instead of trying to prove that you do respect him, or explain to him why you don’t respect him. Think about this strategy that Christ taught us. Jesus says about abusers to Agree quickly with an adversary.

You could say, oh yeah, maybe I don’t. And then you always need to follow up with an exit strategy. That’s the quickly part. You agree immediately, and then exit. So with the man at the singles event, I said, “Oh yeah, I do push men away, cool.” And I walked off. With your husband, the quickly part would be like, I have to fold the laundry. We can talk about it later. And the strategic thing. Don’t ever talk about it later. Don’t bring it up.

https://youtube.com/shorts/txDvx6YrT6w

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.” Now, it’s impossible to have peace when someone is trying to oppress you and they are legit trying to distress you. That is their goal. They’re going to cause problems no matter what. So Jesus says, one strategic way to protect ourselves is to agree with them. Do it with an apathetic, disinterested stance toward them.

Abusers want one of two things. They either want to exploit us, so they want us to do what they want, to our detriment. And if they can’t get that, a juicy fight will do. They enjoy our distress.

Strategic Responses to Manipulation

**Anne:** So when we won’t do what they want, we also don’t engage in an argument or conversation about it. And give them the impression that they can’t get our attention. That’s one way to protect ourselves. With the man at the singles event, after I said what I said, I walked off in peace, happily.

So here are some examples with your husband. Let’s say your husband says something like, you don’t respect me and you never listen to me. Again, rather than proving to him how you do listen to him saying things like, what are you talking about? I always ask your opinion before I spend more than $50. What are you talking about? I double checked with you before I did this thing, instead of doing that. A Jesus approved strategic response might be something like, huh, I hadn’t thought about that.

Oh, I told Betsy that I’d go visit her. I’ve got to go to the neighbor’s. I’ll be back in about an hour. A distracted, I’m busy doing something else is the strategic way to separate yourself from that type of emotional and psychological abuse. Because remember he wants the chaos. He wants to drum it up.

So here’s another example of how to set boundaries with your husband. Let’s say he uses your own values to trap you into exploiting you. He might say, if you cared about our family, you would, and then state the thing he’s trying to manipulate you to do. Here is the agree with an adversary quickly version of a response. That’s something for me to think about. I’m going to go wash the car. I’ll be back when I’m done with my errands. Can I pick anything up for you at the store while I’m out?

Living with an Abuser: What Does Jesus Say About Abuse? Fireproof Suit

**Anne:** No matter what, they are on fire, and you can’t do anything to put the fire out, unfortunately. But this is to protect yourself as much as possible. If you’re living with the abuser, this is like putting on a fireproof suit. Now, I found that not being able to just be myself felt very suffocating and exhausting, and I did not want to live with a fireproof suit on all the time. So I ended up escalating my boundaries. The Bible also says a lot about boundaries in marriage.

Some of you might feel that wearing this fireproof suit is your safest option. Whatever you choose is the right thing for you. But this strategy can be applied whether you’re married and still living in the home. Or separating or divorced with any type of unsafe person when they’re trying to get power over you. It’s a good strategy to use to protect yourself. Jesus says about abusers to agree quickly with our adversary, or to be a peacemaker for our own safety. It’s not to benefit him whatsoever.

You don’t have to actually agree with him to agree with an adversary. This, oh, I need to think about that, hmm, you have a point. Will give you enough space to determine what level of safety you actually have. Then you can evolve and try again, just like the Living Free Strategies teach.

Living Free Workshop Principles

**Anne:** Those who have enrolled in the Living Free Workshop will know exactly what I’m talking about, because this is one of the principles in there. Again, in the Living Free Workshop itself, I don’t teach this with scriptures. It’s in a completely secular context. There is like an appendix at the back, if you’re interested in my personal scripture study and where I came up with some of these strategies based on what Jesus said about abuse.

I wanted to hit on that strategy. I’d love to know what you think about it. You can scroll to the bottom, I’d love to hear your comments. Let me know what you think.

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5 Ways To Spot Narcissistic Abuse – Rachel’s Story Oct 29, 2024

These 5 signs will help you know if you're a victim of narcissistic abuse.

What Is A Secret Sexual Basement? Why His Secrets Are Dangerous Oct 22, 2024

If a husband has a secret sexual basement that his wife doesn't know about, he's abusive in so many ways. Here's what you need to know.

Do I Have Betrayal Trauma? 26 Symptoms Oct 15, 2024

When your intimate partner violates your trust, you may experiencing betrayal trauma. Learn the 26 symptoms.

How Do I Know If My Husband Is Abusive? – Coach Jo’s Story Oct 08, 2024

Have you wondered, "how do I know if my husband is abusive" See if you relate to Coach Jo's story.

14 Emotional Abuse Survivor Stories: How To Heal & Move Forward Oct 01, 2024

Women who've experienced their husband's emotional abuse share their stories. Find out what helped them.

Voicing The Agony of Betrayal Trauma Through Music – Ralynne’s Story Sep 24, 2024

Victims of abuse and betrayal begin their journey to healing when they find their voice.

My Husband Lied To Me: Call For D-Day Stories Sep 17, 2024

"My husband lied to me," she repeated. If you've just discovered your husband lied to you for years, here's what you need to know.

Can A Husband Sexually Abuse His Wife? – Sandy’s Story Sep 10, 2024

Sandy's husband abused her by secretly recording and posting intimate videos of her online. Learn how she came to recognize it as abuse.

Narcissist Ex Won’t Leave? 6 Things You Can Do Right Now Sep 03, 2024

These 6 strategies can help you break free from your narcissist ex husband.

Why THIS Is Adultery – Anne’s Mom Weighs In Aug 27, 2024

It's also emotional and psychological abuse.

Women Say THIS Is The Best Support For Betrayal Trauma Aug 20, 2024

After years of being blamed by professionals, women are talking about the best support for betrayal trauma. Listen to their stories.

6 Things a Cheating Husband Will Say You Need To Know Aug 13, 2024

If he's cheating, here's what he'll say to blame you.

If People Say Marriage is Hard Work, Here’s What They Don’t Know Aug 06, 2024

A lot of people say marriage hard. What if marriage is easy and you're facing something else?

Has Your Husband Betrayed You? You Are Not Alone – Missy’s Story Jul 30, 2024

If your husband betrayed you, you're not alone. Other women have been through this and can support you.

How To Recognize Victim Blaming – Jenna’s Story Jul 23, 2024

Victim blaming is rampant in the abuse and betrayal community. When others blame you for HIS choices, you are harmed. BTR can help.

7 Truths About Emotional Abuse You Need To Know Jul 16, 2024

Myths about emotional abuse enable abusers to keep abusing victims. 7 Powerful Truths About Emotional Abuse help victims find safety.

Divorcing A Narcissist – June Checks In One Year Later Jul 09, 2024

Divorcing a narcissist is a nightmare. June provides compelling updates one year after sharing the first part of her story.

He Blamed ME For The Emotional Abuse – June’s Story Jul 02, 2024

When June's husband said it was her fault she was emotionally abused, here's what she did to protect herself.

How to Live with a Husband You Don’t Trust – Cristy’s Story Jun 25, 2024

If you've just found something on his phone, and now don't trust him, you'll relate to this.

How to Deal With a Narcissistic Husband: 5 Tips Jun 18, 2024

A narcissistic husband can make marriage a nightmare. Dr. Ramani Durvasula is offering expert advice for women married to narcissistic husbands.

My Husband Says I’m The Problem. Is He Right? – J.R.’s Story Jun 11, 2024

My husband said I was the problem, so I went to therapy and made the changes he wanted. Here's what I learned.

How To Stop Emotional Abuse From Husband (Or Ex) – 5 Stages Jun 04, 2024

If you're trying to stop your husband (or ex's) chaos, here are 5 stages you need to know.

Surviving Narcissistic Abuse – Diane’s Story May 28, 2024

Learning how to survive narcissistic abuse can help victims find safety and begin healing.

Healing From Emotional Abuse Quickly Depends on These 3 Things May 21, 2024

Here are 3 factors that determine how quickly you'll heal from your husband's emotional abuse.

3 Ways Narcissists Groom Victims – Chelsea’s Story May 14, 2024

Narcissistic abusers will do whatever they can develop and maintain a power-over dynamic. Learn 3 ways that narcissistic abusers groom victims.

How to Find the Best Betrayal Trauma Support Group: 5 Things to Know May 07, 2024

Wondering where to find the best betrayal trauma support group? Women share their insights and experiences.

What is Marital Coercion? – Karen’s Story Apr 30, 2024

If your husband lies to you, this will help give you clarity.

Types of Exploitation – A Conversation with Anne Basham Apr 23, 2024

One of the types of exploitation is so common most people don't know how harmful it is.

When Your Husband Uses Spiritual Abuse – Coach Sharon’s Story Apr 16, 2024

This subtle yet destructive behavior undermines a victim’s faith, self-worth, and autonomy.

The Best Way To Explain Betrayal Trauma Apr 09, 2024

Here's the best way to explain betrayal trauma.

How To Help The Child Of A Narcissist, 5 Ways – Rose’s Story Apr 02, 2024

Narcissistic fathers harm children, but victims can rise up and guide their children to safety and healing.

Can My Husband Change? 9 Things To Observe Mar 26, 2024

What are the 9 signs your husband is changing?

Is My Husband Emotionally Abusive? – Brandi’s Story Mar 19, 2024

Here's how to know if your experiencing emotional abuse.

Yes, Lying Is Emotional Abuse: Here’s Why – Kelly’s Story Mar 12, 2024

Anne interviews Kelly, her story illustrates why lying IS emotional abuse.

What You Need To Know Before Scheduling With A “CSAT THERAPIST NEAR ME” Mar 05, 2024

Here's what you need to know before finding an addiction specialist for your husband.

How To Prevent Exploitation – A Conversation with Dawn Hawkins Feb 27, 2024

Learn how you can join the fight for a exploitation-free society.

How Does Infidelity Harm Victims? – Hillevi’s Story Feb 20, 2024

Intimate betrayal can affect a victim and her children long after he has left the picture.

Your Husband’s Therapist – 5 Things To Watch For Feb 13, 2024

Should you find a therapist for your husband? Consider these 5 things for before scheduling an appointment for your husband.

Is My Husband Holding Me Back? How to Know – Sarah’s Story Feb 06, 2024

Sarah kept asking herself, "Is my husband holding me back?" She shares how she overcame obstacles to reach her goals.

How Do I Set Boundaries In My Marriage? Strategies That Work Jan 30, 2024

You can establish healthy boundaries in your marriage, post-betrayal, by following these simple guidelines to gain greater emotional safety & stability.

Fighting A Narcissist For Custody – Tina’s Story Jan 23, 2024

Wondering how to fight for your children as you divorce your narcissistic abuser? Tina Swithin shares powerful insights.

When He Lies About Small Things, This Brilliant Analogy Offers Insight Jan 16, 2024

When your husband lies about small things, it can mean something HUGE.

Things to Know Before Getting Engaged – Wendy’s Story Jan 09, 2024

Many women experience this, but it's not something we talk about openly. It's time to start the conversation.

12 Step For Wives Of Pornography Addicts? What To Know Before You Go Jan 02, 2024

12 Step programs teach self-improvement to women who actually need safety and validation.

How To Recover From Betrayal Trauma – Lynea’s Story Dec 26, 2023

Learn how Lynea recognized she was facing betrayal trauma. As her husband's behavior worsened, she sought help to recover from his betrayal.

How To Help Your Abused Daughter: 3 Things To Know Dec 19, 2023

Is your daughter a victim of betrayal and abuse? How to be the parent that she deserves.

How To Establish Healthy Boundaries With Your Abusive Ex – Celeste’s Story Dec 12, 2023

Setting and holding healthy boundaries with your abusive ex may feel daunting - learn how here.

Betrayal Trauma Resources You Can Count On – Women’s Stories Dec 05, 2023

Here are some betrayal trauma resources you can count on from women who know.

Human Trafficking Survivor Talks About Common Misconceptions – Sadie’s Story Nov 28, 2023

The trafficking industry exploits all women. Here's why.

Is My Husband Grooming Me? – Raven’s Story Nov 21, 2023

Find out how to know if your husband is grooming you.

How To Set Boundaries With My Husband – My Struggle Nov 14, 2023

In this episode, the healed Anne revisits her past attempts at setting boundaries.

3 Ways to Know He’s Love Bombing You – Laurel’s Story Nov 07, 2023

Is your husband love bombing you? Laurel is on the podcast, discussing love bombing, also known as "grooming".

How Do Abusers Gaslight Victims & Advocates? Oct 31, 2023

Gaslighting can be obvious or subtle. Learn how to spot it.

This is How You Know It’s Time To Leave – Vicki’s Story Oct 24, 2023

Vicki shares her courageous journey leaving an abusive marriage.

Armchair Psychology Examples: When You Get Labeled Oct 17, 2023

What is armchair pathology and how is it harming betrayal trauma victims?

Faith Triumphs Over Ritual Abuse – Anna’s Story Oct 10, 2023

Anna developed a new relationship with her Higher Power after surviving ritual abuse as a child.

What You Need To Know About Reunification Therapy Oct 03, 2023

Tina Swithin, author, blogger, and children's rights advocate, is on the podcast telling you what you need to know about reunification therapy.

Staying Married After Infidelity? – Linda’s Story Sep 26, 2023

If you're staying married after infidelity, it may be helpful to hear the stories of other women who have also chosen this path.

Is The Common Interpretation Of Biblical Submission In Marriage Wrong? Sep 19, 2023

More and more women have described this term being used to perpetuate a pervasive type of abuse that all too often goes unnoticed. Perhaps one can ask, is the term 'biblical submission' synonymous with spiritual abuse?

71 Of The Best Songs About Healing From Trauma Sep 12, 2023

After all your husband's lies and manipulation, here are the best songs about healing from trauma.

I Want To Leave My Emotionally Abusive Husband – Karen’s Story Sep 05, 2023

Are you thinking, "I want to leave my emotionally abusive husband?" One woman shares her story after 30 years of emotional abuse.

When My New Husband Is Abusive Too – Chandra’s Second Marriage Aug 29, 2023

Chandra is on the BTR.ORG Podcast to share her own experience marrying an abuser a second time.

This Is How Abusers Manipulate Their Victims – Chandra’s First Marriage Aug 22, 2023

See if you relate to how Chandra's 1st husband manipulated her in her marriage.

How To Know If My Abusive Husband Is Changing – Claire’s Story Aug 15, 2023

Learn how to safely observe if he's truly changing or if it's just more grooming and gaslighting.

Can An Abuser Be A Good Person? The Dangerous Ways The Media Portrays Abusers Aug 08, 2023

News articles can describe a domestic abuser as a "good guy". Can an abuser be a good person, really?

What Do Emotional Abusers Look For In Their Victims? – Leslie’s Story Aug 01, 2023

What do emotional abusers look for in their victims? The answer will surprise you.

Why Does My Ex Lie About What Happened? An Interview With Kate Moore Jul 25, 2023

Men have been lying about women for centuries. Here's what you need to know.

If Your Husband Has No Empathy – Norine’s Story Jul 18, 2023

Have you been researching why your husband has no empathy? Before you search anymore, here's what you need to know.

3 Ways Your Husband May Be Gaslighting You with Dr. Robin Stern Jul 11, 2023

If you suspect your husband is gaslighting you, here's what you need to know.

Considering Intensive Couples Therapy? – Ruby’s Story Jul 04, 2023

Considering couple's therapy to save your marriage? Here's what you need to know before you start.

What Is Victim Blaming? 7 Ways They Blame You Jun 27, 2023

Victim blaming is a tactic used by abusers and everyone else. Here's what you need to know.

Can Trauma Affect Your Sex Drive – 3 Things To Know Jun 20, 2023

Can trauma affect your sex drive? Yes. Here's why it's normal to be turned off by jerks.

The Truth About Post Separation Abuse – Mykell’s Story Jun 13, 2023

Emotional abusers still want power over their victims after separation or divorce. Here's what you need to know about post separation abuse.

Hundreds Of Years Of Fairy Tales Have Harmed Women With Jane Gilmore Jun 06, 2023

Fairy tales use double standards, vilify women's anger, erode financial autonomy, and set false expectations.

This is How Emotional Abuse Affects Your Body – Joyce’s Story May 30, 2023

Here's Joyce's story of escaping emotional abuse with Anne's help. And how the emotional abuse affected her body.

Teaching Children About Healthy Relationships – The Best Resource May 23, 2023

Empower your children to make healthy choices about relationships.

7 Bible Verses For Going Through A Divorce May 16, 2023

A divorce is one of the hardest challenges for a woman. Here are comforting Bible verses concerning divorce.

The Best Resources To Stop Human Trafficking – Help Stop Exploitation May 09, 2023

Need resources to stop human trafficking? Here are some ways you can help.

How To Set Boundaries With An Emotionally Abusive Husband – Elsa’s Story May 02, 2023

Here's how to set the most effective boundaries for your emotional safety.

The Best Betrayal Meditation To Heal From Infidelity Apr 25, 2023

You deserve peace. Women say this is the best healing meditation for emotional abuse survivors.

7 Startling Reasons Men Feel Entitled to Women’s Bodies – Rachel’s Story Apr 18, 2023

What causes male entitlement to women's bodies?

Are You Ready To Experience Post Traumatic Growth? Apr 11, 2023

Post traumatic growth may seem unattainable after betrayal trauma, but research shows it's possible to heal.

How To Say No: What I Learned From My Daughter Apr 04, 2023

It's hard to say no when your husband is emotionally abusive. Some amazing tips about how to say no.

Should Couples Stay Together After Infidelity? This Is What Some Husbands Said Mar 28, 2023

We are pro-safety - Abusers hate that. Here's what they say.

How To Help Your Daughter Avoid Teenage Abuse – Lucy’s Story Mar 21, 2023

Teens can be victims of emotional abuse. Here's how to help your daughter avoid abusive relationships.

Feel Off? When Your Gut Is Warning You Mar 14, 2023

Many women feel something is off, but they don't know if what they're sensing is real.

Real Life Sex Trafficking Examples – The Best Way To Protect Mar 07, 2023

The most common victim of human trafficking isn't who you think.

Why Do So Many Women Hate Sex? Maybe It’s This Feb 28, 2023

Sexual mutuality is NOT just saying yes - Jane Gilmore's definition helps on your journey to safety.

What To Do When An Abuser Denies His Abuse – Annie’s Story Feb 21, 2023

Will forgiveness restore a relationship? When abusers deny abusing, is it possible?

When Your Husband Doesn’t Help With Housework Feb 14, 2023

If your husband won't do housework, does backseat parenting and controls money, It might be coercive control.

The Effects Of Psychological Abuse On A Woman – Christine’s Story Feb 07, 2023

Psychological abuse is often so subtle it's almost impossible to recognize

What is Featurism? 3 Key Ways It Impacts Women In Marriage Jan 31, 2023

Here are some issues you may not have thought of. Find out what you need to know.

Is Marriage Meant To Be Hard? Why Healthy Marriage Is Easy – Elizabeth’s Story Jan 24, 2023

What if healthy marriages are easy and hard marriages are abusive? Here's what you need to know.

Emotional Abuse and Infidelity: Why You Can’t Have One Without The Other Jan 17, 2023

Here's what an emotionally abusive man who was unfaithful will sound like.

Do Good Men Exist? Truths Every Single Woman Will Appreciate Jan 10, 2023

If you're worried about being single because good men seem impossible to find, you'll relate to this.

5 Silent Red Flags In A Relationship – Ayla’s Story Jan 03, 2023

Is something wrong with your boyfriend or husband? 5 silent red flags in a relationship women need to know.

Emotional Battering: The Invisible Abuse No One Can See Dec 27, 2022

If your husband is emotionally abusive, you may also be experiencing emotional battering from others.

Here’s Why Infidelity Is Abusive – What You Need To Know Dec 20, 2022

Here's why most inappropriate media is image based abuse.

Should You Stay Married After Infidelity? The Shocking Truth No One Talks About Dec 13, 2022

Women ask therapists or others, "Should you stay married after infidelity?" No one says this out loud.

How To Know If You’re Experiencing Spiritual Abuse Symptoms – Abby’s Story Dec 06, 2022

If your husband uses scripture to coerce, control or accuse you of sin, you may be experiencing spiritual abuse.

What Does The Bible Say About Divorce And Marriage: Here’s The Research Nov 29, 2022

Five pervasive divorce myths harm victims. Hear from Gretchen Baskerville, author of Life-Saving Divorce.

How To Heal From A Divorce You Didn’t Want – Ava’s Story Nov 22, 2022

Recognizing that our marriage ended not because of divorce, but because of abuse and betrayal, can help.

What Is A Sex Addict? What You Need To Know Nov 15, 2022

Two wives share the label they gave their husbands. Listen now.

What Happens When Churches Don’t Believe Abuse Victims? – Janice’s Story Nov 08, 2022

Your faith community should be supportive. Too many victims find clergy ignorant, and tragically, abusive.

If Your Husband Filmed You With A Hidden Camera, You’re Not Alone Nov 01, 2022

If your husband filmed you with a hidden camera, you could be a victim of trafficking.

The Truth About Forgiving Abuse With Valerie Hudson Oct 25, 2022

Have you been told to forgive an emotionally abusive husband? Here's what you need to know.

How Do I Know If It’s Abuse? – Lorelai’s Story Oct 18, 2022

Abusers aim to confuse us. Almost all abuse victims don't recognize it at first.

Distribution Of Intimate Images Without Consent With Laila Mickelwait Oct 11, 2022

Laila Mickelwait exposes exploitative websites for what they are - a cesspool of assault proof. Learn how to help take it down.

How To Set Boundaries With Your Emotionally Abusive Husband Oct 04, 2022

If you've been asking your husband to stop but he keeps doing it, this will help.

What Does The Bible Say About Narcissistic Abuse? Sep 27, 2022

If you're a woman of faith, here's a list of scriptures that will help you know what to do next.

Strategies For Divorcing An Abusive Husband With Wendy Hernandez Sep 20, 2022

Are you feel overwhelmed at the thought of hiring a lawyer or fighting for custody?

What You Need To Know Before You Order Christian Intimacy Books Sep 13, 2022

Here's how to deconstruct some of the toxic information in mainstream Christian intimacy books.

Can You Emancipate Yourself From One Parent? – Tiffany’s Story Sep 06, 2022

Can you emancipate yourself from abuse? Tiffany shares how she did it.

The Truth About Clergy Misconduct Aug 30, 2022

When clergy use their position to take advantage of trust, that is clergy misconduct. Learn more.

This Is Why Emotional Abuse Is So Hard To See – Macie’s Story Aug 23, 2022

Emotional abuse is invisible, he may never yell, scream or say "mean" things. This is why it's hard to see.

How Can We Protect Children Online? Important Steps To Take Aug 16, 2022

Accidental exposure to inappropriate online material can traumatize children, learn how you can help.

Is Emotional Abuse Considered Domestic Violence? Evie’s Story Aug 09, 2022

Is emotional abuse domestic violence? Sharing your abuse story can help heal you when others don't understand.

How To Overcome The Long Term Effects of Emotional Abuse In Marriage – 3 Steps Aug 02, 2022

During a crisis, domestic abuse escalates. Women can minimize the effects of the abuse; BTR can help.

What Is Covert Emotional Abuse? – Nadira’s Story Jul 26, 2022

He may not hit, yell, or seem like a mean, angry bully - but covert emotional abuse leaves invisible scars.

How To Cope With Betrayal Trauma – 4 Self Care Strategies Jul 19, 2022

When discovering infidelity, coping with betrayal trauma is a daily struggle. Here are self care strategies.

3 Signs of Spiritual Abuse To Look Out For – Liz’s Story Jul 12, 2022

Spiritual abuse victims may feel crazy, forgotten by deity, and alone. Spot 3 signs of spiritual abuse.

The Best Books About Emotional Abuse In Marriage Jul 05, 2022

Wondering if your husband is emotionally abusive? Find the best books to help, here's what you need to know.

The Truth About The Causes of Sexual Addiction – Cindy’s Story Jun 28, 2022

Tragically, sex addiction therapy focuses on the causes. Here's the truth and what they get wrong.

What Does The Bible Say About Boundaries In Marriage Jun 21, 2022

Wondering what the Bible says about boundaries? Anne Blythe, M.Ed, shows Bible scriptures supporting safety.

What To Do When Your Child Watches Inappropriate Things Jun 14, 2022

Victims of betrayal and abuse can teach their children the truth about pornography.

Self Care After Emotional Abuse: Here’s How To Heal Jun 07, 2022

Self care after emotional abuse is challenging. As you learn to live again, consider these important things.

The Truth About Institutional Abuse – Haley’s Story May 31, 2022

Experienced something fitting the definition of institutional abuse? You're not alone. Other women share.

Is My Husband Addicted to…? Here’s How To Tell May 24, 2022

If you're wondering, Is my husband addicted to... Here's how to determine the truth, AND what to do about it.

Christian Help For Infidelity: When You Don’t Know What To Do May 17, 2022

As a Christian, you're called to protect yourself from evil.

How To Know If Your Husband Has A Sex Addiction May 10, 2022

Have you ever wondered how to know if your husband has a sex addiction? You're not alone.

Does Your Husband Have An Anger Problem? 10 Questions To Know If It’s Abuse May 03, 2022

Does your husband's anger scare you? Determine if your husband's anger is actually an abuse issue.

The Best Betrayal Trauma Resources For Women Apr 26, 2022

You deserve the BEST betrayal trauma resources on your journey to emotional safety.

When My Husband Weaponized Codependency To Hide The Truth – Melinda’s Story Apr 19, 2022

Has your husband (or his therapist) used codependency to harm you? You need to know this.

What Is Exploitative? Dr. Gail Dines Exposes the Shocking Truth About THIS Industry Apr 12, 2022

Wonder why what your husband does online is so damaging? Here's why.

Teen Dating Violence: How To Help Your Daughter Avoid An Abusive Boyfriend Apr 05, 2022

Hope your daughter can avoid teen dating violence, even emotional and psychological? What you need to know.

How Fundamentalism and Patriarchy Fuel Abuse – Emily’s Story Mar 29, 2022

If you grew up in a fundamentalist Christian home, you may be all-too familiar with how fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse.

Recovery After Betrayal: What You Need To Know Mar 22, 2022

What are your next steps to find safety and support after discovering betrayal? Here's what we suggest.

This is NOT One of The Types of Physical Intimacy – Isabelle’s Story Mar 15, 2022

If you're experiencing this, you have a crucial need to get the right type of support.

How to Use Art Therapy For Trauma – Corrine’s Story Mar 08, 2022

Can't express your trauma and pain? Art therapy is powerful in processing betrayal and emotional abuse.

Me Too Examples – Jasmine’s Story Mar 01, 2022

The Me Too movement brought examples to light. Women share these from within the walls of their own homes.

How To Help Your Daughter In An Abusive Relationship Feb 22, 2022

Is your daughter in abusive relationship? Here's what you need to know to help her.

What Does The Bible Say About Cheating Husbands? – Lisa’s Story Feb 15, 2022

If you're wondering, what does the Bible say about cheating husbands? Here's what you need to know.

Should I Prepare For Divorce? 4 Things To Consider Feb 08, 2022

Many women find themselves torn between the hope that their husband will change and the desire for peace.

Cleanbrowsing DNS – How One Mom Protected Her Children Online Feb 01, 2022

Creating a porn-free environment is an absolute necessity for every family.

Can In-Home Separation Help Me? – Lindsay’s Story Jan 25, 2022

Women looking for emotional safety you may choose an in-home separation. Listen to Lindsay’s experience.

Dating After Narcissistic Abuse – 9 Things To Look For Jan 18, 2022

Here's your guide to dating after narcissistic abuse, shared by Kate*, a survivor.

Why Do I Feel Like My Husband is Cheating On Me? – Laurie’s Story Jan 11, 2022

Have an nagging dread, like your husband is cheating? You need to know this.

How To Rebuild Confidence To Reenter The Workforce – Brittany’s Story Jan 04, 2022

Many betrayed women are forced into the workforce, some for the first time. Here's how to rebuild confidence.

Is Infidelity Abuse? What Most Therapists Won’t Tell You Dec 28, 2021

Is infidelity abuse? Has he lied to you? Emotionally manipulated you? Here's how to know.

Does Betrayal Cause Body Image Issues? – Katherine’s Story Dec 21, 2021

After you discover your husband's infidelity, here are 3 things to get you through a rough body image day.

Find Your Voice – How To Heal After Emotional Abuse Dec 14, 2021

Emotional abuse makes us feel small. You CAN find your voice and heal from emotional abuse.

How to Begin Healing Trauma From Childhood Sexual Abuse – Reagan’s Story Dec 07, 2021

Trying to heal trauma from childhood sexual abuse and deal with a husband's emotional abuse? You need this.

Finding Out My Husband Betrayed Me With Men – Savannah’s Story Nov 30, 2021

My husband betrayed me with men, when I thought he was straight, it was so painful. Here's what I learned.

What Does The Bible REALLY Say About Divorce? Nov 23, 2021

If you've discovered your husband's infidelity, you may wonder, "What does the Bible say about divorce?"

Here’s What Makes The Best Emotional Abuse Support Groups Online Nov 16, 2021

Looking for the best emotional abuse support groups online? Here are 4 things to help you find one.

How To Teach Your Kids About Healthy Choices Nov 09, 2021

Here's one way to equip your children with the tools to understand sexuality in a healthy way.

Signs Of An Abusive Therapist – Dee’s Story Nov 02, 2021

Have you felt uncomfortable, exploited, or abused by your therapist?

Traumatic Bra Shopping Experience? You’re Not Alone Oct 26, 2021

Have you had a traumatic bra shopping experience? Women who've discovered their husband's infidelity often feel traumatized by the idea of shopping for a bra.

Am I Over My Ex? The Best Way To Know Oct 19, 2021

If you're wondering, "Am I over my ex?" The question itself may tell you all you need to know.

Is There Hope After Infidelity? – Luna’s Story Oct 12, 2021

Infidelity is a devastating form of betrayal. Women wonder, is there hope after infidelity? Yes, here's why.

What Lack of Intimacy Does to a Woman – Maria’s Story Oct 05, 2021

Does your husband ignore your needs? Here's the likely TRUE cause.

Teaching Children How To Set Boundaries with Kimberly Perry Sep 28, 2021

It's important to teach children to protect themselves.

Rethinking The Betrayal Trauma Process with Barbara Steffens Sep 21, 2021

If you're wondering how long the betrayal trauma process takes to heal, here's what you need to know.

50 Things You Need To Know About Betrayal Trauma In A Relationship Sep 14, 2021

If you're experiencing betrayal trauma in a relationship, here are 50 things to know.

The Best Way to Leave a Narcissist Husband Sep 07, 2021

Here are 4 things to know when you're thinking about how to leave a narcissist husband.

Unintentional Gaslighting From Your Husband? – Charlotte’s Story Aug 31, 2021

Here are 5 examples of how he'll use "unintentional" gaslighting to manipulate you.

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1. The Right Information

2. The Right Support

3. The Right Strategy For Healing

Transcript: Divorce And Emotional Abuse

Felicia’s Community Struggles

The Role Of Meditation In Healing

Finding Support During Divorce And Emotional Abuse

Enemies Moved!

Legal Battles & Emotional Struggles

Finding Strength To Withstand Emotional Abuse While Dealing With Divorce

The Path To Healing & Safety

The Power Of Validation & Safety

Healing From Emotional Abuse With Workshops & Dance

Understanding Exploitative Behavior

Living Free Strategies

You’re Not Codependent, You’re Seeking Safety

But What If I Am Actually Codependent?

Transcript: This is Why You’re Not Codependent

Questioning His Intentions

Crossing Boundaries, Starting The Label Of Codependent

Engagement

Early Marriage Struggles

Emotional Disconnect

Discovering The Truth

Gaslighting & Blame

Emotional Abuse

Realizing The Extent Of Abuse

Confronting The Truth

Keeping It Secret

Realization About Emotional Abuse

Husband Blames Me For Being Codependent

Gaslighting & Divorce

You’re Not Codependent, You Are Being Abused

Am I Codependent? Asking A Counselor About Codependency

You’re Not Codependent

Understanding Emotional Abuse

Isolation & Community Rejection

Exploitative Material & Power Dynamics

Secret Basement

Marriage Wisdom & Abuse

When You Can’t Trust Your Husband

Abuse Hard To Recognize

Being Labeled As Codependent Feels Empowering, but Abuse Isn’t Your Fault

Power Dynamics In Relationships

Reasons Abusers Give

Community and Secondary Abuse

Frustration Of Husband’s Lies

Seeking Support & Friendship

Being Honest In Friendship

Professional Services vs. Friendships

Women Telling Other Women Their Codependent

You’re Not Codependent: Spreading Awareness

You’re Not Codependent You Just Need Support

Final Thoughts: Codependent Is a Victim Blaming Label

Transcript: My Husband Won’t Stop Lying

Discovery Day (D-Day)

Understanding D-Day

My Husband’s Lying Won’t Stop: Confrontation & Relapse

Personal Downfall

Living In Fear

My Husband Was Still Lying: Agoraphobia

Isolated From Church & Friends

Back To Church & Telling My Story

Creating Boundaries To Distance Myself From My Husband’s Lying

Failed Reconciliation

Reclaiming Faith

My Husband’s Crazy Behaviors & Lying Create Chaos

Effects Of Online Explicit Material

Lame Excuses, Lies & Projecting

My Husband Won’t Stop Lying: Gaslighting & Emotional Abuse

Educating Women On Abuse

Transcript: My Husband Is Paranoid And Angry

Early Marriage & Patriarchal Challenges

Manipulation & Counseling Struggles

My Husband Is Paranoid And Angry: Living With The Consequences

Seeking Help & Facing More Abuse