A Lifetime of Hallmark

Look Who’s Stalking A Surgeon This Halloween By Trrying to Escape An Onslaught of Truly Terrible Music by Offering a BOGO deal on Hospital Procedures Oct 28, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason were all prepared for a guest that had to cancel, but that’s not gonna stop them from watching a movie that, based on its title, should be a lighthearted romp set at Halloween! But first, Les suggests people will be dressing as the Menendez Brothers this year, Jason wonders aloud if they have all officially reached “CBS Median Viewership Age,” and Kurt has some big news a bout Blac Chyna! Then, it’s time to go incognito by dressing in all black with the exception of a very bright red face mask (all the kids are doing it right now) for Lifetime’s 2023 Movie “Look Who’s Stalking.” The title was originally titled “Haunted by My Stalker” and frankly more descriptive of the movie rather than the final title which invoke the potential that Danny Devito may be providing a voice. So gather around the easily-exhumed body with your tuna casserole, we’re about to answer all of these unknown calls together.

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Tom Sandoval, Meredith Thomas, and the New Gidget Are All Looking for A Nanny to Die For Oct 21, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason are so excited to dig into a movie for Peacock! But first, the guys breakdown the Abe Lincoln documentary Lover of men, and find out that Les is friends with the guy that portrayed Abe in the reenactments. Then, in Blac Chyna news, the story about Twin Hector getting beat up gets (as Jason predicted) more violent and weird as Tokyo Toni wants the credit for it! Then they guys dig into Peacock’s A Nanny to Die for. This movie may have been released on Peacock, but it was made by the longtime Lifetime stalwarts at Hybrid, and it has many of the same Hallmarks (pun intended): multiple murders, a cold open, a psycho with a traumatic childhood, and just a hint of gaslighting! Get ready to go down rabbit holes (or is it’s sea holes? Or C-holes) about Caryn Richman, Hart to Hart, and Murray Langston!

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Read Between the Lines (of Coke) - Falling Together is a Great PSA for Alzheimer’s Awareness Oct 14, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason have gathered much like a bunch of leaves that have been raked into a pile against their will. But at least Kurt has Blac Chyna news that could follow a similar long-tail trajectory as past news stories about her making violent claims. Then, ready or not, the guys leave no leaf unturned as they dissect Hallmark’s Falling Together. Kurt has a pretty wild and prescient theory about the male lead, and that triggers a companion theory about the female lead (and movie at large) that involves a lot of gay coding, a whole lot of pie, and a whole huge heaping pile of cocaine. But an increased coke budget just comes with the territory of a new job that isn’t in Miami but that you have shown up for 6 weeks early. Open up your veiny eyes to watch this movie, unless you’re getting Mama’s Familied while you listen.

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Before Will & Harper, Will Ferrell and Harper Steele Encountered A Deadly Adoption with Kristen Wiig Oct 11, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason may have found the perfect movie to suit their collective sensibilities, 2015’s A Deadly Adoption. Part true-to-form Lifetime movie, part inside joke (that not everybody was in on), part dramatic showcase for Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig, Ferrell’s passion project written by Harper Steele gets a look from the guys in light of his and Steele’s current spectacular and very moving Netflix documentary Will & Harper. Blac Chyna is also moving people to tears with her heartfelt conversation with daughter Dream about her appearance insecurity. But Will & Harper & Blac Chyna have nothing on the emotional rollercoaster of A Deadly Adoption’s wild tale about a financial author-lothario, his neglected wife, their moronic daughter with diabetes named after the pilot who landed on the Hudson, the woman they welcome into their lives in hopes of having another baby.

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A Poor Man’s Keanu Reeves, A Dollar Store Connie Britton, and A Dime Store Paul Giamatti Covene at My Killer Reunion Sep 27, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back with a packed show! There’s Blac Chyna’s pivot to fitness! There’s Eric Roberts (past) smack talk about Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias. There’s a Candace Cameron Bure sighting! There’s Matlock, with a (big) twist! There’s an Oscar winner being confused for a high profile prostitute! There’s improv class driving! There’s surge pricing to get to an attempted murder scene! There’s Vicki Lawrence becoming Ryan Murphy’s new Sarah Paulson! There’s people being conceived to Mama’s Family and LMFAO’s Shots! And, most critically, you may now use the phrase “Mama’s Family-ed” as a verb for having sex.

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Eric Roberts, Matt Rife, and (not) Jimmy Buffet Don’t Want You to Sleep on Stalked by My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare Sep 17, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason had to pick a movie that Les could access in Canada since he’s still in Vancouver, so they decided to watch the lone Stalked by My Doctor movie they haven’t seen, 2019’s Stalked by My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare! But first, Les and Kurt know someone that used to work in the Hallmark world and he may soon be a guest on the podcast! Plus, Eric Roberts just appeared on Marc Maron’s podcast, so the guys think they may have a shot at their white whale! And, this episode features both a Blac Chyna report AND and a special Abe Lincoln report since Kurt just found out that Abe may have been gay! Then, they guys delightfully dig into another gem from the Stalked by My Doctor cinematic universe that doesn’t just feature Eric Roberts as Dr. Albert Beck, but also the return of the very Jimmy Buffet-esque voice in his head (complete with a new array of Hawaiian shirts and tropical cocktail glasses). Eric Roberts really hit the jackpot with this movie: he got paid wardrobe bumps for bringing his own clothes (including a tuxedo bump!), it features a pre-stardom Matt Rife bringing newfound attention to the movie, AND Eric gets to use a drinking glass and a soap dispenser to simulate humping!

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Your Aunt Gert Carries Some Magic Lemon Drops and Has Probably Been in a Bar Fight Sep 06, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason are excited that Les is currently in the homeland of all things Hallmark, Vancouver, Canada as they convene to talk about the baphomet tattoo Blac Chyna is having removed. Even with its striking imagery, though, this tattoo has nothin’ on the badasserey of Aunt Gert, the sitcom Kathy Bates helping to make Hallmark’s Magic Lemon Drops even more fun. Did Hallmark low-key make a movie that revolves around people doing psychedelics? Probably! Is there a diner called Eatery? Definitely! Gert may not be the heroine of the movie (not heroin, though maybe), but in a movie where obvious junk mail is mistaken for tax bills where people refuse to bring their foster dog to a sex dungeon, she certainly is the character you expect to help pound out the schnitzel.

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A Costa Rican Wedding Gets Lost in the Jungle Because Monkeys Stole Anything Potenially Likable about This Movie Aug 27, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason are about to attend A Costa Rican Wedding, a Hallmark movie that somehow seems to ruin the concept of hot shirtless guys on screen (at least for a moment). But first, Kurt’s Blac Chyna news, despite being 2 months old, manages to deliver a piece of info we’ve never heard mentioned in the Blac Chyna Report: Tyra’s real name! After the guys price out the salon menu for Hearts Pure by Angela White, then they head to the jungle for Hallmark’s latest wedding-themed movie. Though the setting is intriguing, there’s too much emphasis on wackiness (monkeys stealing wedding rings) and almost no emphasis on making any of these people likable humans (Kurt’s favorite Sean Penn soundbite gets a lot of use in this episode).

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Miss Cleo: Her Rise and Fall with Tarot Specialist, Paranormal Investigator, and Thighmaster-stan Ken Boggle Aug 19, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome a very special guest in Tarot Specialist and Paranormal investigator Ken Boggle (@kenboggle) from Hulu’s Living for the Dead to discuss this week’s Lifetime movie, Miss Cleo: Her Rise and Fall. Ken gets recognized by both both the living and the dead, but Blac Chyna doesn’t even recognize herself, what with the filler blindness and all. Then the guys are ready to dig into the rise and fall of Miss Cleo. Imagine an alternate universe where Tyler Perry creation Madea becomes the face of a psychic hotline instead of Youree Dell Harris’ Miss Cleo! Or stay in the current universe where you can get schooled in Tarot by a Jamaican Nun just like everyone else! Let’s bask in the revelation that unemployment was down during the time Miss Cleo was handing out device, and never ever address the fact that Miss Cleo came out later in life.

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Throwback Thursday Replay: One Royal Holiday Aug 15, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason revisit their 2020 episode where Kurt and Jason realize Les knows Melissa McCarthy but hasn't booked her on the podcast yet! She seems like she'd enjoy Hallmark's One Royal Holiday which features a prince with Covid hair, a bed and breakfast superdome, and a pretty passive aggressive attitude towards ghost writers.

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I Thought My Husband’s Wife Was Dead but She was Just in a Nap Dress and it Wasn’t Blac Chyna Aug 12, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason are experiencing a Brat summer, just like the twinks working at Disneyland. Jason’s Disneyland adventure also featured many spotting of Mickey ears that looked like donuts and the realization that Winnie the Pooh is part of the LGBTQ community (because Winnie, like many, is a pantsless bear). Then after Blac Chyna Report, it’s time to get into a movie co-starring Blac Chyna: Lifetime’s I Thought My Husband’s Wife was Dead. Even though her presence wasn’t felt enough to help the movie make any sense, the movie did feature lots of Canadians from the Park Ranger school doing bad southern accents, a local therapist whose client list was comprised of everyone in this movie, and concept of a nap dress.

Also: Kurt is running in a 5K! If you’d like to read more about the cause and donate to Kurt and the other participants, please visit danmellebyfoundation.org

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Throwback Thursday Replay: Psycho Stripper Aug 08, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason hop on the pole and head back to their 2019 episode about Lifetime's Psycho Stripper, a movie that prompted Jason to go on a rather epic rant about... cake boxes. With hot shirtless murderous men, characters killed off that we didn't even know were characters in the movie to begin with, and separate straight male characters that scream "Yaaaaassssssss" and wear mesh crop tops, this movie has EVERYTHING.

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A World Christmas Record is Set in Losing Loose Legal Documents in a Zipliess Situation Aug 05, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason have assembled to dissect Hallmark’s rather weighty

Movie A World Christmas Record. But first, Kurt’s Blac Chyna news lets Les know that Blac Chyna is set to appear in the movie he picked for next week, Lifetime’s I Thought My Husband’s Wife Was Dead. The biggest relevation of this episode of the podcast comes when Kurt reveals that he knows someone who knows THE PARK RANGER! And Kurt knows someone in this week’s movie, though it’s not the Sixth Spice Girl (a reference Jason and Les don’t get because they’ve never seen Spice World!) Hallmark covers lots of new territory with this movie (Autism! Deadbeat dads! Sexless marriage! Lying by Omission), but none of that matters as much as building a the world’s biggest Jenga (which should have been the world’s largest Christmas Tree made of books). Crank up your favorite Oran “Juice” Jones or Spin Doctors CD and get ready for a massage, with boundaries!

Also: Kurt is running in a 5K! If you’d like to read more about the cause and donate to Kurt and the other participants, please visit danmellebyfoundation.org

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Throwback Thursday Replay: Edge of the Garden Aug 01, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2019 episode about Hallmark's Edge of the Garden that may be about ghosts. Or time travel. Or parallel universes. Or eternal love. Or about taking what little bit of joy you have left in your life and squeezing it out of you as you watch this movie.

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Lies and Ex Wives: Secrets on Maple Street is Apparently Part of a Series of Movies Trying to be Despearate Housewives Jul 29, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back though it was touch and go for Kurt this week with his travel turned upside down. Thank goodness he came back with some Blac Chyna news, and to see this week’s movie, Lies and Ex Wives: Secrets on Maple Street. This apparently a new “universe” of stories for Lifetime to explore, but they may not want to let the Park Ranger Academy of the Dramatic Arts have such a big creative role the next time around. But thanks to her, we are served a forgotten suspect in a gruesome murder, unnecessary umbrellas, and… fishing. Even the spreads were off in this movie (the food!). And wait until you hear how Eric Roberts could’ve helped Maple Street.

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Throwback Thursday Replay: Salt-N-Pepa Jul 25, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2021 episode about Salt-N-Pepa, a film that kick-off a new Lifetime genre: the black lady entertainer biopic that taught us that Push It was recorded in a bathroom. Do with that information what you will.

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Ms. Christmas Comes to Town And Can Go Straight to Hell Jul 22, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason waste no time in talking about the subject on everyone’s minds, the Presid——— er, the deaths of multiple cultural icons including Shannen Doherty, Richard Simmons, and Dr. Ruth. Plus Kurt has news that Blac Chyna may be engaging in drama in her life by talking about how she doesn’t want drama in her life, and we share a recipe for your favorite casserole from the 70’s! Then, it’s time to go shopping… for a better movie than Ms. Christmas Comes to Town. Oof. This movie tells the uplifting story of how capitalism can sound downright heartwarming when you’re a shopping host dealing with a terminal diagnosis while selling paper erection trees. The movie is notable for having employed more background actors as extras than most gladiator movie crowd scenes, and even more notable for the insanely high lack of chemistry between the two leads. Lesson learned: your career as a traveling nurse isn’t long for this world cuz you’re get discovered and become a star!

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Throwback Thursday Replay: Christmas with a Prince Jul 18, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2019 episode about Hallmark's Christmas with a Prince, a movie so questionable that the Canadian singer you've probably never heard who appears in the movie will still be someone you've never heard of after you watch the movie.

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The Amish Stud Goes on Rumspringa with Too Many Barbaras, a Bishop with Too Much Spirit Gum, and Joyce Dewitt Type with Too Many Tattoos Jul 15, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason are headed to a place where no podcast is meant the thrive: Amish Country! But first, Blac Chyna's mom Tokio Toni got heated and flirty with The Game in a way that makes you rethink your snack foods. Then, it's time for Lifetime's Amish Stud: The Eli Weaver Story a true story about an Amish guy (Luke Macfarlane) that's using a Sidekick and dating apps on the DL but still needs a taxi driver (Criminal Minds' Kirsten Vangsness) to drive him around (because Amish). You could argue that there are too many people in this movie named Barbara or you could argue that there are never enough Barbaras. But you can't deny the minister with the Spirit Gum would never turn down a pie made by someone named Barbara in much the same way that a lady would never turn down what was being offered by the Time to Make the Donuts guy.

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Throwback Thursday Replay: My Stepfather's Secret Jul 11, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2019 episode about Lifetime's My Stepfather's Secret which features geology, murder, cryptocurrency, income equality, an explainer on the many Carly's of General Hospital, and (of course) gaslighting.

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Falling Like Snowflakes Proves to be a Worthy Showcase for the Graduating Class of the Park Ranger Academy of the Arts Jul 08, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason are angry… or at least Les and Jason are, while Kurt CLAIMS to be zen despite having suffered through the same movie as they did. But first, Kurt reports that Blac Chyna’s daughter Dream made a song. But Blac Chyna says it’s not a real song since it’s not on streaming. Though it could still technically BE a song in the same way that Falling Like Snowflakes was technically a movie because a really bad movie is still a movie. Hallmark got an early start on Christmas in July by premiering the movie in June, which is a really cruel thing to do if this movie is, as the guys suspect, a group project created by some people that have been institutionalized. Through that lens, all those involved really did a good job. Through any other lens, though, this may instead feature people so miserable with their acting careers that they’re trying to deliberately sabotage their work to get out of some very unhealthy relationships. If you’re looking for a way to sabotage an unhealthy relationship, make sure you watch this movie with the people in your shared unhealthy situation and it will help you end things quick!

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Throwback Thursday Replay: One Winter Proposal Jul 04, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2019 episode about Hallmark’s One Winter Proposal (and make the podcast’s first reference to the Ann Margrock episode of The Flintstones.

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A Game of Post Office Happens Because My Mom Made Me Do It and Love Laughs at Locksmiths Jul 01, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason are (deservedly) taking credit for the June Squibb renissance (the Squibissance) currently happening thanks to her movie Thelma. In Blac Chyna news, Kurt reports that Chy (as she’s now dubbed in the press) is now 21 months sober, and he also contemplates whether he’d be allowed to enter the pearly gates because he’s eaten hors d’oeuvres as a meal at an event. Then it’s time to look into all the ways My Mom Made Me Do It in a Lifetime movie that will make a great replay episode come Mother’s Day. When an AA Meeting meets during volleyball practice at a school where the kids are super into Lucille Ball’s old radio program, you know that’s going to drive a goody-goody high school student into a super convoluted life of crime where attack victims are given a blowout during a coma and where young women don’t recognize their own step-brother.

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Throwback Thursday Replay: Killer Contractor Jun 27, 2024

If you've never listened to A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast before, this Throwback Thursday Replay is a great episode to get you started.

Killer Contractor Just Might Be the Lifetime Version of M. Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable

Les, Kurt, and Jason are ready to hit the ground running in 2020 with a movie featuring an epic electrocution, a runaway ceiling fan, and a literal ball of fire that proves that murderous contractors are the BEST contractors when dealing with Lifetime's Killer Cinematic Universe. But first, Kurt has (horrifying) Blac Chyna news, and Jason skips his Lori Loughlin news so the guys can get right into what may be the most "on brand" movie Lifetime has ever done, "Killer Contractor." Sure, nobody in the movie knows how to do simple things like correctly pronounce the main character's last name or carry a coffin, but none of that matters because we are dealing with characters that outsource the delivery of bad news to a claims adjuster.

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For Love and Honey Hits the Sweet Spot With Bad Bee Puns, An Invaluable Infrared Guy, and a Hot Mayor Who’s Really Hot Jun 24, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here to stir the (honey) pot that is the Brat Pack Documentary and find out that Kurt has inexplicably never seen the movie Mannequin. In Blac Chyna news, the guys learn that Tokyo Toni met Blac Chyna’s dad at a Macy’s (oh, young love!) Then, it’s time to see what the buzz is all about with Hallmark’s For Love and Honey, a movie about both beekeeping and archaeology in Malta. It may take a lot of exposition to explain the rather convoluted treasure map at the heart of the plot, but there are plenty of bee puns, a hot professor, and a hot mayor who’s really hot to make things go down smooth like honey. Don’t swat this movie away like you’re trying to get rid of a bee with a King James Bible, but definitely also don’t eat what you think is centuries old butter.

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Throwback Thursday Replay: A Shoe Addict's Christmas starring Candace Cameron Bure, Jean Smart, Luke Macfarlane, and Kristian Brunn Jun 20, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason have dug into their archives to re-visit their 2018 episode about Hallmark's A Shoe Addict's Christmas! Before Candace Cameron Bure left the Hallmark Cinematic Universe, she made a downright fantastic movie that co-starred a pre-Hacks Jean Smart, a pre-Bros Luke Macfarlane, and a slightly post-Orphan Black Kristian Brunn.

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There Must Be a Devil on My Doorstep Because We’ve Now Somehow Become a Sports Podcast Jun 17, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason had so much time taking to Samantha Pestana-Markey (@documenting_samantha) two episodes ago that she has now officially joined A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast as a producer despite her role in exiling black hoodies from Lifetime! No need to worry, though, as there IS a black hoodie in Devil on My Doorstep. You should worry about Blac Chyna as news about her is no longer as fun, so perhaps a Young Sheldon-style prequel needs to happen for the Blac Chyna Report. A prequel to Devil on My Doorstep may also be needed to better explain the motivations of the characters in the movie, especially since there are a confusing number of villains, rushed graphics from the art department, and writer’s block so bad that perpetually pushes back a funeral service until the eulogy can be finished. This episode was not sponsored by AAA of Southern California… but could be.

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Joining the Blind Date Book Club is Expensive When Self-Publish Before Getting Feedback Jun 13, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason are in the full swing of Pride month but have still found time to join Hallmark’s Blind Date Book Club. But first, Kurt has some not-so-new Blac Chyna news that doesn’t convincingly connect Beyonce to the Epstein plane. Then, the guys turn the page to explore the world of a Hallmark movie where an NPR interview about a book club carries such an incredible emergency that it needs to be conducted live. This is also a world where self-publishing a book can happen in a matter of hours with an incredible amount of detail, likely costing a considerable amount of money. But in a world where one can get hooked on Faulkner instead of heroin, that’s just icing on the (tea) cakes paired with some Danny DeVito Limoncello.

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Killer Fortune Teller Is Not Actually a Fortune Teller According to An Actual Line of Dialogue in this Movie May 21, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome the incredible Samantha Pestana-Markey (@documenting_samantha) to join them for a fun ride this week. Samantha is a big fan of the podcast and just so happens to also e a costume designer who has worked her share of Lifetime movies! The guys question why Samantha has tried to exile the famed black hoodie and Kurt gets the dirt on Lifetime’s craft services setup (people horde snacks, just like Jason had to do until he was asked for a cookie by Justin Bieber). Plus, there’s some wild Blac Chyna news involving Dueling Bishops that are available at the drop of a hat. Then, it’s time to read the cards for Lifetime’s Killer Fortune Teller, a movie that could not have been more perfect for Samantha given that she’s actually named after Samantha from Bewitched. This movie makes great use of Tarot cards as a means of framing the plot, has solid support from a Michael Douglas / Gavin Newsom hybrid, and uses both a puffy vest and extreme amounts of ketamine to great effect, especially considering it’s all done without the approval of Psychic SAG. But none of it explains why someone so incredibly wealthy would have to pay to pick his own lemons.

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A Chef’s Deadly Revenge Serves up Zero Tension and a Whole Lotta Pig May 14, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason reconvene after a few weeks to see what’s being served in Lifetime’s A Chef’s Deadly Revenge. But first, it’s time to celebrate the birthday of Blac Chyna… and to toast the many notable people from the entertainment world that passed away since the last episode of the podcast. Then, we learn that Jason made a crass joke in their group chat using emoji to describe Schmoo’s sex life. Kurt asks what Jason meant… and immediately regrets it when he gets an answer to that question that you can’t lock up in a freezer because there is, in fact, a pig in there. In a movie filled with lots of bad stalking and reverse stalking and so very many unnecessary car chases, you can rest assured that having your marriage ended by an unhinged stranger will be rewarded with some free creme brulee.

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The Legend of the Lost Locket Is As Big a Mystery as Learning Exactly What The Schmoo Is Apr 30, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here for your favorite day of the week aka your favorite occasionally day a few times a month for another episode of A Lifetime of Hallmark! The guys catch up on all of the big news of the world including a new soap coming to CBS, the very tightly patrolled catering backstage at American Idol, and some top notch movie recommendations from listeners. Plus, Kurt gives a very serious and gauzy Blac Chyna report thanks to a big profile about her in the LA Times. Then, it’s time to look into the Legend of the Lost Locket, a Hallmark movie that could have been a bad Indiana Jones knockoff or an even worse costume drama with poor British accents. The movie, thankfully, is pretty charming thanks to its winning leads and a script that fills in the central mystery by taking some cues from Lifetime movies (hello black hoodies and actual crimes!) But some mysteries still remain such as: “Is Boston really known for cannolis?,” “What, exactly, is The Schmoo? ,” and “How much do will some antique kneepads be appraised at?”

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Million Dollar Lethal Listing Hits the Market Thanks to Jackee Harry, Meredith Thomas, and a Homeowner That’s All To Eager to Let Squatters Stay in HIs Home Apr 09, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason jump right into the natural phenomena of the week like the earthquake in New York, the eclipse, and balls falling from the sky. Then Kurt tries a new spin on Blac Chyna news by starting it with a quote by Maya Angelou, and we learn that Blac Chyna accidentally freed a nipple in West Hollywood and “ended up” on BACKGRID. We find out about a place would never eat cake: at a night at Motherlode called “Manhole.” Then we put a bid in on Lifetime’s Million Dollar Lethal Listing, a movie that’s incredibly consequential in that it features a detective who is helpful (our friend Meredith Thomas)! With this detective on the case, maybe we’ll eventually find out while the real owner of the home in this movie was super chill about letting random people (that were duped into buying his house that wasn’t for sale) stay in his home while everything is sorted out. This may be the gaslightiest that movie Lifetime has ever made, but it also inspired the premise of the new sitcom “That Takes The Cake.”

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Killer Cheer Mom Denise Richards Snoops the Old Fashioned Way And Takes On Max from Hart to Hart Apr 02, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason are not shading Princess Kate for having $15 cake at an airport, obviously. But they are doing a deep dive into Blac Chyna’s latest loan against her home, and think she could make some real coin by doing ads for Metamucil. Then it’s time to root for Lifetime’s Killer Cheer Mom starring Denise Richards and Thomas Calabro from Melrose Place. Kurt gets a crash course in Michael’s trajectory on Melrose Place and learns (for the first time) about Kimberly and her infamous wig/scar reveal). But that’s not the only trip down memory lane: the kitchen in this movie may be the same one from the fireball scene in Killer Contractor, and the teenagers in this movie may be super into Billy Joel’s back catalog. This kitchen is epic in the way that it can still crank out giant carby meal after giant carbs meal, but that strawberry never stood a chance of making it into those epic smoothies. But there’s home for Kurt’s eventual epic tramp stamp tattoo of giant wings… carrying a cake. This needs to happen now.

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Lindsay Lohan Has an Irish Wish to Get in a Netflix Loop Group with the Illuminati to Get in the Bible or Win a Golden Globe Mar 19, 2024

Les, Kurt, Jason, and Saint Brigid are ready to wreak havoc by talking about Netflix’s new Lindsay Lohan Romantic Comedy Irish Wish! But first they need to talk about the Kate Middleton royal family photo scandal and the fact that Murray Langston the bag-wearing Unknown Comic and Kate are not, in fact, the same person. Then, Kurt shares some super confusing Blac Chyna news involving her mom Tokyo Toni thinking Ice Spice is part of the Illuminati. Then it’s time to head to Ireland, a place that is a good place to be horny and for the Virgin Mary to rebrand herself. But if you get hungry, you’re going to either need to pay $15 for cake at the airport, or you’ll need to go to the candy store to some Pasty Gingers. But, just make sure that you eat it in a car (or boat) that is in motion and not sitting still!

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Guiding Les through Guiding Emily, a Cautionary Tale about Fiber and Ambien Mar 07, 2024

Kurt and Jason are tasked with guiding Les through this week’s Hallmark movie, Guiding Emily! But first, Kurt has some Blac Chyna news about the mystery surrounding net worth, and Jason is absolutely convinced that the story was written by A.I.). Plus, June Squibb is doing an action comedy, and Les shows his doodle! Then, it’s time to dive into Guiding Emily, a movie Les didn’t watch so Kurt and Jason will have to break it down for him! First things first, this movie is narrated by a dog that is voiced by Eric McCormack (the biggest name in the cast) that will go on to become a seeing-eye dog for the title character. Because of the abundance of characters and the non-connected stories that seemed shoehorned together, Jason suspects this movie was two movies that were married into one. Meanwhile, Kurt is not in favor of couples massages, and Les is in favor of Baked Potato Day! If you liked this movie, say it with your eyes rather than with words because we won’t be paying you union scale.

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It’s Worse to Have a Nut Allergy on Bathhouse Row Than It is to be Betrayed by My Bridesmaid Feb 29, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason have so much news to get to: June Squibb is part of a major reboot! Nicole Kidman has THREE new AMC promos coming this week! And Wendy Williams takes off her wig for Blac Chyna! That leads the guys to discuss the very real life that Wendy is leading these days and how it’s seemingly being exploited by everyone. Then the guys walk down the aisle with Lifetime Movie Network’s Betrayed by My Bridesmaid! This movie may not feature one single murder (perhaps a first for a non holiday movie), but it does feature PLENTY of a**holes. In fact, every single character in this movie is an a**hole who may or may not have conceived a baby to the song “Shots” by LMFAO, and who may or may not have committed an even graver offense: not knowing how to make a grilled chhese sandwich.

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An American in Austen Tries to Invoke Jane Austen as Directed by Brian DePalma Starring Sarah Ferguson Feb 22, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by Jason Dubray from the Shelf Shedding Movie Show Podcast (@ShelfMovie), and they have some STRONG opinions about Robert Downey, Jr., America Ferrera, and Bradley Cooper. Then, Blac Chyna celebrates 16 months sober (but not with a Fitbit-style tracker). Then Jason reveals himself to be QUITE biased against certain eras on film, especially ones where people are wearing corsets. It’s an extraordinarily disappointing development, then, when they all learn that this week’s Hallmark movie An American in Austen has LOTS of corsets as it tries to very blatantly rip off pay homage to Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice with piece of fan fiction that would have been better served as a straight-up body switch premise. There may be an unnecessary cameo from a very-clearly-cuecard-reading Sarah Ferguson as well as a forced Taylor Swift quote, but at least watching this movie propelled an earnest apology to Kirk Cameron and spurred discussions about whether Ruth Bader is sexy and about the financial planning acumen of the family on Mr. Belvidere.

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Woman with the Red Lipstick Brings the Black Hoodie back to Lifetime for Some Pogo Sticking! Feb 13, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason take a second crack at recording the latest podcast after they were derailed by technical issues. That gives the chance to discuss the outcome of the Super Bowl, and their thoughts on whether Weird Al Yankovic should be the halftime performer. Plus, Les reveals the shocking news that he has not seen a full episode of Saturday Night Live since Eddie Murphy left the show back in the 80’s! And Kurt informs us that Blac Chyna is STILL one of the top earners on OnlyFans. Then, it’s time to talk about Lifetime’s Woman with the Red Lipstick, a movie that would have been great even if they hadn’t brought back the black hoodie! This movie could have had a very different outcome if the extra that looked like O.J. Simpson (not in hospice!) had played a bigger part. But even without him, the movie contains important wig sex etiquette, a family-size canister of mace, and the newest Adjunct Professor at the Park Ranger Academy of the Dramatic Arts! #PogoSticking

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Winter Castle Features the Most Heinous Villain We’ve Ever Seen in a Movie, and Not Because She would’ve Saltburn-ed Someone Jan 30, 2024

Les, Jason, and Kurt go off the rails right out of the gate when Les and Kurt are blindsided by the new show open that Jason made. (Working on that “Kurt Fitzpatrick, Gay Icon” merch, stat!). Plus, the guys imagine a world where Blac Chyna dates Fiddler on the Roof Star Topol (obviously). Then, they dig into Hallmark’s 2019 movie Winter Castle, a movie that wants us to be happy for people so awful that they’ve scheduled a an expensive and unnecessarily last-minute destination wedding in a very cold and very remote area. In fact, everyone in this movie is terrible from the guy who’s stringing his not-girlfriend along, to the family trying to end this guy’s non-relationship, to the lead pursuing this guy, to his not-really-a-girlfriend literally sneezing in someone’s face. Really, the only redeeming person in the movie is a side character that may have bought a very specifically intimate gift at Tiffany which is definitely nicer than the snow before the maple syrup hit it.

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** special note: Podbean, the service where our podcast is hosted, has a beta feature that will let A.I. write our episode description. While ultimately finding their description... unhelpful... it's still a fascinating read:

Engaging Banter and Unpredictable Twists in a Destination Wedding Drama - A Lifetime of Hallmark

Welcome to an exciting episode of "A Lifetime of Hallmark" where your hosts, Les Kirkendall Barrett, Jason Bowers, and Kurt Fitzpatrick dive into a hearty critique of an unexpected destination wedding drama and the fascinating world of Hallmark movies. Enjoy the cocktail of light-hearted banter, insightful observations, and comical perspectives as the hosts dissect various elements of Hallmark and Lifetime movies.
In this episode, unravel the divisive concept of a destination wedding from the entertaining banter of our hosts. Discover personal anecdotes, role-playing in fictional scenarios, and jump into the questionable appeal of a wedding set in freezing temperatures. It's a rollercoaster episode packed with exhilarating debates, colorful film reviews, and careful exploration of the balance between dream weddings and financial burdens.
From the world of movies to real-world celebrity drama, the hosts leave no stone unturned. Savor the lively discussion about destination weddings, the continuous flow of laughter, and the web of intricate stories about love, relationships, and unexpected connections. A delightful mix of film commentary, celebrity gossip, humor, surprises, and unexpected revelations await in this episode of "A Lifetime of Hallmark".

The Wrong Life Coach Can’t Even Help You Avoid a Bat… Or fromTaking Boudoir Photos at Olan Mills with Meredith Thomas Jan 18, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by their always super-special guest, the super fantastic Meredith Thomas (@meredithactress) from LMN’s The Wrong Life Coach starring Lifetime royalty including Vivica A. Fox, Tracey Nelson, and Eric Roberts (but not Jackée Harry, because A.I. got it wrong). Plus, Kurt has some provocative Blac Chyna news: Tokyo Toni may be trying to get with Blac Chyna’s exes! Then, it’s time to dig into Lifetime’s first Wrong movie in a long time about a profession that can lead people astray, especially when the profession doesn’t require any credentials. Meredith didn’t just play one of the life coaches in the movie, she was also the movie’s Second A.D. and cast some of the roles! There may not be any black hoodies here, but everyone is coming in hot! Plus, there’s a passive aggressive marriage proposal and a Lifetime movie detective that actually does their job, and Power Ranger not a Power Bottom!

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Dying for Fame Because Stalkers Work in Teams That Post All of Their Moves on Reddit Jan 09, 2024

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back for an amazing 2024 ahead after missing what would have been their final recording of last year (since Les was in France with poor internet)! But now they’re back and have opinions about Jo Kay hosting the Golden Globes (just like everyone else). Then Kurt has Blac Chyna news about her joining the Itty Bitty Bitty Committee (her words). Then, the guys are ready to dig into Dying for Fame, a Lifetime Movie Network thriller for which Les got invited into the inner circle bye going to a screening with the directors/producers/cast/crew (thanks to our friend and listener Samantha!). Important note from Les: even the “creepy” people from the movie were hot in person (noted!). Justice for creepers! Despite this movie not having any black hoodies, it did feature a diverse cast, a radio station that doesn’t really exist, and tips for hiring a stalker on LinkedIn. Plus Jason makes a joke that falls as flat as Jo Koy’s Golden Globes monologue!

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Melissa McCarthy Unleashed a Genie Out of the Box Because These Wish Rules Are Chaotic as the Klumps Dec 22, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason convene from 3 different parts of the world this week as Les is in a hotel lobby in London, Kurt is on the East coast in the US, and Jason is on the West Coast, and they’re ready to conjure up some opinions on the movie Genie. But first, Kurt has some Blac Chyna news that has the guys pining for the days of wilder and crazier Blac Chyna stories! Then, it’s time to rub the box instead of a bottle because all the genie rules you think you knew are thrown out the window… including the ones laid out in this movie. A really likable and funny cast (Melissa McCarthy! Paapa Essiedu! Alan Cumming! Luis Guzman! Marc Maron!) can’t make this movie make sense, no matter how many wishes this genie grants. But at least we get a genie choosing a new outfit makeover montage, a truly insane subplot about accidentally stealing the Mona Lisa, and a scene that may have been written in hopes of at one point getting Eddie Murphy to sign onto them movie.

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Ladies of the 80’s: A Divas Christmas Features Incredible Tales of Craft Services Tables From Years Past Dec 12, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason are ready to dissect a Lifetime movie that SHOULD hit the sweet spot, Lifetime's Ladies of the 80's a Divas Christmas starring Morgan Fairchild, Nicolette Sheridan, Donna Mills, Loni Anderson, Linda Gray, and Christopher Adkins. But first, we get the Blac Chyna news that she and Tyga are now getting along and sharing joint custody of their son. Kumbaya. Then, the guys test whether or not THEY are as powerful as a Siskel and Ebert review that once got Alen Zweibel's son bullied as they dig into this week's movie. Even stacked with so many 80's icons, this movie's many lapses in simple logic make it a rough watch that needed more actual tension between the characters that's not even saved by using (potentially) scalding hot gravy in a food fight and winning an Emmy by showing one's gray hair.

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Hallmark’s A Merry Scottish Christmas is Basically Succession if Lacey Chabert and Scott Wolf Don’t Want the Empire Nov 29, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason are doing something they haven’t done for months: watched a Hallmark movie for their podcast about Hallmark movies (and Lifetime movies, and now so much more). It’s especially fitting to dive back into that world with a movie starring Hallmark royalty (pun intended) Lacey Chabert as she reunites with her Party of Five big brother Scott Wolf. But first, Kurt and Jason wonder if Les himself is secretly a royal, Jason sent Kurt a filthy underwear ad to underscore last episode’s very descriptive conversation about what makes one… um… powerful. Then, Kurt reports on Blac Chyna’s beef with Brian Austin Green, sufferer of vertigo, and Les gets to casually and unironically use the phrase “my in-laws’ yurt.” Then, it’s time to talk about Hallmark’s A Very Scottish Christmas. Producer and star Lacey Chabert was adamant (as were we) that she and Scott Wolf were NOT to be romantic interests in this movie. Instead, we get siblings who are blindsided by the fact that their mother has been lying to them their entire lives when they find out that they are royalty. This castle comes complete with a hot but property manager who is clingy AF, enough sweets to give a giant middle finger to diabetics, and a Scottish tour guide that may or may not be REALLY energetic because of the amount of snow. Go pick your handkerchief color of choice as you have yourself a dirty reindeer!

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Gay Icon Burt Young is Roomies with Corey Haim Because Everything in the 80’s was Problematic Nov 17, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back with one more piece of pop culture WTF before diving back into Lifetime and Hallmark movies because the SAG-AFTRA strike is finally over! One person not in love with the new contract is Justine Batemen… and that sends the guys down a rabbit hole about other Family Ties cast members. It also ties into this week’s featured selection because of a Billy Very and the Beaters connection. But before that, the guys reminisce about Matthew Perry, Jason and Les teach Kurt the difference between a bossy bottom and a power bottom, and Blac Chyna’s daughter’s party was thrown by Khloe Kardashian! Then the guys start dissecting a show that could have stood for a LOT more dissecting before it made it to air, 1987’s Roomies. Starring a post-Rocky Burt Young and a pre-Lost Boys Corey Ham, Roomies features a premise so insanely problematic, that the worst thing about the show isn’t even the singing trio that all seem to be on the same bowel movement schedule. Put on your Vagina University hoodie, because we’re going back to college with a bunch of clearly middle aged men!

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The Moonlighting Pilot Triggers a ConversationAbout Nazis and Gay Nightclubs That Should Not Miss Oct 26, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason support the SAG-AFTRA strike, but they are comin’ in hot regarding the guidance about not dressing as a character from movies and TV shows. But Jason has found a loophole: he’s dressing as Ken THE DOLL who is also a fan of Oppenheimer THE HISTORICAL FIGURE. Then, Blac Chyna is accused of Witchcraft! And the guys circle back to their episode about The Tortellis and get an update on Kurt’s quest to get the (formerly) little boy on the podcast. (Update, we’re SOL… emphasis on the S). Then it’s time to dive into the 80’s masterpiece that is nonetheless problematic AF, Moonlighting. The show revived Cybil Shepard’s career, jumpstarted Bruce Willis’, and cast someone that Les spotted on his very first night living in LA! If you’re looking for a show that starts with a similar premise to Schitt’s Creek, features an EVIL Bob Newhart lookalike, and that has a cameo from someone whose MAGA credentials the guys questioned openly, then you’ve found the right show in Moonlighting!

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Suzanne Somers in Three’s Company - Chrissy and the Guru Oct 17, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason ditched their plans to watch Moonlighting this week to pay their respects to the late, great Suzanne Somers. But first, we get the latest on a current America’s Sweet Blac Chyna and her custody battle with Tyga. Then the guys talk about their love of Apple TV+ show The Morning Show, and find out about how Billy Crudup was the object of affection for a woman Kurt was on a date with… while they were on the date. Take note, if you’re looking to date someone, write them a handwritten letter! Then, the guys take a look at a very Chrissy-centric episode of Three’s Company, Chrissy and the Guru. Ripping straight from the headlines of the rampant cults of the late 70’s, Three’s Company serves up a guru named Rama Mageesh. His charms aren’t enough to get Jack (John Ritter), Janet (Joyce DeWitt), or the Ropers (Norman Fell and Audra Lindley) to part with her money (though Helen would be happy to part with her mumu for some fun with Stanley, the guru IS able to lure Chrissy. Or maybe she was lured by his cute cult outfit (which would make a great Halloween costume). Grab your Thigmaster and see if you can get past the fact that Les, Kurt, and Jason are currently around the same age as the Ropers!

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Notorious Cheers Spinoff (That Isn’t Frasier) The Tortellis Features a Cameo from Barbie co-star Rhea Perlman Oct 12, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason were gonna watch Moonlighting this week, but time constraints mean that will have to wait until the next episode (along with Les’ lady detective fantasies). Instead, this week the guys dive into the Cheers spinoff that isn’t Frasier (nor is it the Frasier re-boot on Paramount+), 1987’s The Tortellis. But first, we find out about Kurt taking his mom to her midday mid-week high school reunion, mediocre chicken marsala and age shaming included! Plus, if you’re going to be a doll, at least be one that people are afraid of! And, Blac Chyna is now doing appearances at Chiropractic offices in Orange County with her crispy bones! Then it’s time to dive into The Tortellis, a Cheers spinoff that was launched in the very same season Cheers had to introduce Kirstie Alley after the departure of Shelly Long. The Tortellis was either a painfully unfunny spinoff, or one so painfully unfunny that the producers used it to keep the network off their back when it came to the mothership show. Not even a child that s**ts when he acts can save this from a guy who looks a little Megans List-y. But at least THIS didn’t cause Jason to do ‘shrooms and pity follow Charo on YouTube.

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Dr. Seuss’ Halloween is Grinch Night is nothing but Class and Cocaine and Smelly Wind Oct 06, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason apologize if feel compelled to watch this week's pick, the 1977 Dr. Seuss special “Halloween is Grinch Night.” But first, Les’ husband wants to know if he’s allowed to eat the Beyond Chicken McNuggets (he can!), and Kurt is familiarizing himself with current popular music (like Dojo Cat and SZA). Plus, in Blac Chyna news, Kurt reports that Blac Chyna is selling a bunch of her clothes on consignment. Then, it’s time to dig into this prequel to How the Grinch Stole Christmas. But while the Christmas special had a cohesive and heartwarming story at the center of it, this Halloween special has bland colors and exactly ZERO mentions of Halloween. Did the makers of this special do a substantial amount of hallucinogenic drugs AND cocaine? Was Max the Dog suffering from Stockholm Syndrome or is he a spy? Is this entire special an ill-formed metaphor for racism/the Cold War/ child abuse? Possibly (allegedly)!

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What a Country America is When Famous Russian Yakov Smirnoff Becomes Ronald Reagan’s Speechwriter and Martina Navratilova is on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Sep 29, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason are happy that the WGA Strike has ended, but are still venturing beyond Lifetime and Hallmark movies since SAG-AFTRA is still on strike! The guys discuss the big topics on their mind like couples that share a Facebook account and whether or not Jeffrey Dahmer is cancelled. Not cancelled: famous morning radio DJ Roman Polanski). Also not cancelled: Blac Chyna… she may have found love again! Then it’s time to take a look at the pilot to the 1986 first-run syndicated sitcom What a Country. While this may seem like it was a Yakov Smirnoff vehicle, it’s actually an adaptation of a British sitcom. One can only wonder if the British version featured countless painful racial stereotypes (many courtesy to a super racist school principal not played by Don Knotts). But the bigger thing you’ll be wondering is “Just how glamorous is it to coach a high school soccer team?”

Side note to those that will be in the Philadelphia area: Kurt has more performances of his show Behind Every Great Mariska Hargitay is a Great Kurt Fitzpatrick. Get your tickets here: https://phillyfringe.org/events/behind-every-great-mariska-hargitay-is-a-great-kurt-fitzpatrick/

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The Holograms of Pia Zadora, Jermaine Jackson, Journey, and Slade Walk Ride a Vespa into a Podcast… Sep 21, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason were so energized by Don Johnson’s Heartbeat in the previous episode (the promotional movie moreso than his actual pulse), so they’re tackling some more music videos this week. But first, THE Pepper MaShay came to see Les’s show, as did Lesley Ann Warren and Lifetime of Hallmark SUPERFAN Samantha (thanks for listening). Then Kurt shares what may be newly specific news about Blac Chyna as it relates to sobriety. Fun fact: Les is kinda dickmatized by Dick van Dyke (a conversation started after a June Squibb spotting). Then it’s time to get into 3 different defining (?) music videos of the 80’s, starting with Journey’s “Separate Ways (Worlds Apart).” The Sherrie of Steve Perry’s “Oh Sherry” almost killed this video, but she doesn’t have to because it dies on its own (though without a soundtrack since the instruments keep disappearing). Then, the guys took a look at Slade’s “Run Runaway” video, complete with a kilt-wearing dude swinging a giant phallic telephone pole all around a well lit castle while lead singer Noddy Holder is doing… something… with his mouth (Jason has a theory). Finally, Les subjects Jason and Kurt to the Pia Zadora and Jermaine Jackson classic (at least in Europe) “When the Rain Begins to Fall” from Pia’s movie Voyage of the Rock Aliens. At least there’s a vespa chase and some proximity to peak Michael Jackson.

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Was Beyonce Inspired to Make Lemonade Because Don Johnson Made Heartbeat? Sep 13, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason have gathered to experience one helluva an experiment in the 1980’s music industry: making Miami Vice’s Don Johnson into a rock star! But first, Jason saw Les’ show The Real Black Swann: Confessions of America’s First Black Drag Queen and is ecstatic to report that it is FANTASTIC! Get tix here: https://ci.ovationtix.com/36684/production/1173212

Then, the guys try to figure out why is everyone defending Martin Short (Jason has a conspiracy theory about it related to the SAG AFTRA and WGA strikes). Then, we find that Kurt went to a gay bay with Les not dragging him there (at least not directly). Then, Kurt tells us that TokioToni is upset the Beehive! Then it’s finally time to talk about the EPIC(?) multi-video multi-story Don Johnson mini-movie that is Heartbeat. Was a music exec so d**kmatized by Don Johnson’s very MTV-ready presence that he didn’t he didn’t think it would matter that Don can’t sing? Probably! But thanks to that probably very coked-up executive (maybe, allegedly), we get to see the sex worker version of West Side Story starring Don Johnson, Gus Fring from Breaking Bad, and Paul Shaffer!

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Laverne and Shirley in the Army Marches Toward So Many Pig Puns Aug 30, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason have reconvened to ask the important questions like, “Does Les get craft service during his tech rehearsals?” And “Did Wilford Brimley pull some serious tail back in the day?” Plus, Kurt reports that Blac Chyna wants Tyga to stick to their custody schedule! Then, the guys tackle their first animated show for the podcast, 1981’s “Laverne and Shirley” (aka known as Laverne and Shirley in the Army to not confuse it with the live action counterpart). While this Laverne and Shirley doesn’t have Lenny or Squiggy or Carmine Ragusa, it does have a pig voiced by Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter and giant space birds. Jason thinks the show may have been borne out of the last actor’s strike while Les thinks this is the horniest cartoon he’s ever seen. Take a look at the rocket that all of the characters are quite confident they can fly and judge for yourself!

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Will Smith Did Not Have the Heart and Soul to Star in a Sitcom with Morris Day, James Avery, and Tisha Campbell Aug 19, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason have decided to stop promoting Hallmark and Lifetime movies when there’s a strike, and instead focus on pop culture’s unusual past, and this week it comes in the form of a 1988 pilot starring Morris Day! But first, Jason strongly objects to Les’ “funny idea” that someone be murdered at/near one of his parties. Plus, Kurt’s Blac Chyna news lets us all know that tattoo removal hurts, and we learn the Celebrity net Worth of Robin Givens and Pauly Shore! Then, it’s talk to talk about Heart and Soul starring Morris Day, Tisha Campbell, and James Avery, but NOT Will Smith. But at least there’s Barry Sobel and his very popular act (yet wildly offensive). What COULD have been a great fish out of water story instead turns out to be the leading to a movie about Ted Bundy not starring Redd Foxx.

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Ann Jillian, Fiona Apple’s Dad, and Jennifer Slept Here Instead of a Lifetime or Hallmark Movie This Week Jul 26, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason have referenced the 1983 NBC sitcom Jennifer Slept Here many times on this podcast, so they’ve decided to finally dissect the pilot episode along with a look into the state of of TV in the early 1980’s. But first, Jason is trying really hard to get Les and Kurt to take the hint that it’s time to move onto the Black Chyna Report! Then, it’s time to start the Ann Jillian deep dive, talking It’s a Living, the SAG-AFTRA strike then and now, and Walt Disney’s input into Ann’s career. Then it’s time for Jennifer Slept Here. Ann Jillian may have top billing on this short-lived series, but the real heavy lifting of the show is done by (*checks notes*) the kid that played Randy Quaid’s son in National Lampoon’s Vacation, John Navin. John may be the person that uttered the very first line of dialogue on Cheers, but here’s he’s doomed from wearing a fedora multiple times. Maybe Jennifer should have slept somewhere else (like with the Family Ties Keaton family, or within Wilfred Scott’s weather report), but here she’s just the Nurse Jackie of her day.

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Grab Your Merkin to Take Me Back for Christmas to Explore the Maplewood Real Estate Market Jul 20, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason will not be deterred by the SAG-AFTRA Strike (and WGA Strike), mostly because this podcast isn’t in violation of union rules. Les has been spotting all kinds of famous faces on the picket lines (including presidential candidate Marianne Williamson), but the most famous face on the picket lines may now be Les Kurkendaal-Barrett himself thanks to a ton of worldwide coverage an image of him has experienced. Khloe Kardashian considers herself a third parent to Blac Chyna’s daughter Dream Kardashian, but it’s all from a place of love… much like Kurt’s love for Vanessa Lengies, the star of this week’s Hallmark Movie Take Me Back for Christmas. This is Hallmark’s version of a multiverse movie, so of course the guys discussed cinnamon poppers.

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My Professor’s Guide to Murder: Haylie Duff and Lifetime Want You to Get the Buckets Jul 11, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here with the discussion you didn’t know you needed about the Tom Cruise cake and the Olivia Wilde Salad Dressing in a tale so layered, it makes this week’s movie seem quaint in comparison. But first, in Blac Chyna News, Kurt delivers the news that Tokyo Toni is saying some incredibly (hilariously) filthy things involving buckets in front of her granddaughter when she can’t figure out how to get Alexa to stop talking. Then, the guys jump down into the silo known as Lifetime’s movie, My Professor’s Guide to Murder. Stephen Hawking isn’t in this movie, but if he were, he too would need buckets (and a lot of them!). Kurt almost needed a new pair of Converse sneakers, Jason needs a fabulous traveling professor house, and Les needs to find someone else to drag to Musical Mondays.

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In Big Sky River, Everybody Wants to Keep the Cocks but not the Racoons Jun 29, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason return after a very very long break and so so so many Gay Prides! Yes, prides have parades, and Les sat through part of a really long one before being coerced into marching IN one, but Jason will only watch the parades if they’re done at the posted speed limit (flying drag queen wigs be damned)! Then, Kurt has some Blac Chyna news (that may or may not be from before our long break). Then, the guys take a dip in Hallmark’s Big Sky River which is, apparently, a movie they all watched. Despite the over-priced gas in this small town, it still has what it takes to attract residents like (not) Reba McIntyre, and a woman going through an (oft-mentioned) “terrible divorce.” This movie has an extended scene involving grabbing a chicken. It also has a friend hint that one of the characters should have a fling. Get your air horn, cuz this ain’t your mom’s Hallmark.

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Her Affair to Die For is Actually His When the Child Is the Same Age as the Parent May 17, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here with a lively discussion about who it is that’s having the affair in a relationship, sparked by Lifetime Movie Network’s “Her Affair to Die For.” But first, the guys discuss, as best they can, some of the things at stake with the current (as of the recording of this podcast) writer’s strike and we find out that Blac Chyna and Tokyo Toni have reunited! Then, it’s HIS affair to die for since the husband is the one that has the affair in this wildly fantastically dumb movie that could have (legitimately) been written by 10-year-olds. But if you can get past the fact that the parents are the same age as their daughter, you’ll be delighted by a villain that’s giving serious Elizabeth Berkley caffeine pill vibes! You’ll be so excited as you see an entire crime plan mapped out in front of a background actor doing some squats because all’s well that ends well!

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Rooming with Danger, a Baby Monitor, and some WGA Picketers at the Oakwood Apartments May 11, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason recorded the latest episode on Coronation Day, which may have been celebrated by some still drunk on tequila from the previous night’s Cinco de Mayo festivities. Then (after some Blac Chyna news, natch), the guys are ready to shack up with Lifetime Movie Network’s “Rooming with Danger.” Sure this fabulous house may not have any wine at all in its gigantic glass wine closet (nor does it have an Oxford comma), but it does teach one how to throw a brick on a budget and how to play Marco Polo when outside of the water (just do it on the volleyball court!). Watch this movie in HIGH definition to truly appreciate the students of East Coast University: The Park Ranger School of Dramatic Arts!

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A Pinch of Portugal, a Dollop of Trash Can Ice Cream, and Tickle of Oran “Juice” Jones May 02, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason are cleansing their palates after last week’s movie, and what better way to do it than with a movie all about flavorful food. But first, Kurt tells the guys about the tickle documentary that mesmerized him (do NOT tickle Jason) and that Les is going to watch now that he’s all caught up on the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel! Then we learn that Blac Chyna and Tokyo Toni are talking again! Is it real, or is it for the cameras? Maybe Jerry Springer / Ricki Lake / Morton Downey Jr. and more are to blame for it (and for the downfall of TV and maybe the MAGA movement…). Then it’s time for Hallmark’s A Pinch of Portugal! The movie has a gorgeous setting and even more gorgeous men so hot that they literally set off Les’ smoke alarm! The movie also features a Silver Fox Fred Flintstone, a Broken Down Tim Burton, and trash can ice cream. The movie is so good, you’ll be tickled!

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A (Maybe) Non-Union David Paymer (lookalike) Can’t Be Drunk, Driving, and 17 But Can Be Part of a Super Heavy-Handed Message Apr 28, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason may very well have stumbled upon the worst Lifetime movie they’ve ever seen (a bold assessment, but Les takes full responsibility for choosing Drunk, Driving, and 17). But before the guys dissect this after school special geared towards adults, they first need to discuss potential celibacy for Blac Chyna. Then they’re able to attend the State-Funded Park Ranger School of Acting End of Year Showcase. The real crime highlighted here SHOULD be the literal grand theft auto, that is never addressed again once the movie gets going (or, rather, puttering), it’s that the parents can do time for playing favorites by allowing sexism to rule as their male oldest underaged teenager ever gets to have a kegger (which is also kind of a key party, maybe?), while their teenaged daughter is banished off to another house for the night. Put on your white jumpsuit so you’re ready to run away from this movie.

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Deep Throat finds Love in the Maldives in a Cult Founded by the Dalai Lama’s Tongue and Ray Parker Jr. Apr 11, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason are off to the races immediately when Kurt confuses the theme from Green Acres for a song from The Wiz. Then we find out who called Blac Chyna (aka Angela White aka, possibly, Dr. Angela White) a fake-ass bitch (spoiler: it was her mom Tokyo Toni!). Then, the guys go snorkeling (even though it should have been SCUBA diving) into Hallmark's "Love in the Maldives." Despite it's STUNNING locale and very attractive cast, Kurt found it boring on a level that was... transcendent. But can a movie that may or not feature a gorgeous (potential) cult leader and feature a scene that feels very porn-adjacent really be THAT boring? Maybe! but at least it helped Les find his next favorite pair of yoga pants and helped teach the other Hallmark characters how NOT to c**k block by c**k ENABLING.

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Stalked by My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge is to Eat a Bowlful of oatmeal, a fistful of cabbage, and a Cadbury Egg with Eric Roberts Apr 05, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason are beyond excited to dissect what may very well be the Lifetimeiest movie that ever Lifetimed, Lifetime’s masterpiece Stalked by My Doctor: Patien’s Revenge. But first Kurt has an Angela White report (aka a Blac Chyna Report) about the continuing coverage of her makeUNDER. Some are calling it the Blac Chynaissance, and for that we are grateful! Then it’s time to grab a tropical cocktail with Jimmy Buffett Eric Roberts, and settle in for a truly insane entry into the Stalked by My Doctor franchise. It’s got wigs! It’s got black hoodies (3 of ‘em)! It’s got chloroform! It’s got a house that may or may not have a dumb waiter and a fireman’s pole! It’s literally got a full La La Land-esque song and dance number. Kurt may not like the sad trombone, but you’re going to like this movie and this episode of the podcast!

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Unthinkably Good Things Can Happen When Rock Hudson Hooks up with Gomer Pyle at a Blockbuster Video Mar 31, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after a long break filled with lots of travel! Les went to New Orleans and Fresno! Kurt went to Fresno, too! And Jason went to Sydney, Australia! But now all 3 are back in their respective homes, though Jason and Les are very much over the unbelievable amounts of rain (and snow!) that LA has been getting. Kurt found out that he is apparently someone’s “hall pass” (but who’s the top?) Plus, there’s a ton of Blac Chyna news all centered on her new makeUNDER. Then the guys are finally ready to head to Tuscany, the setting for Hallmark’s 2022 film Unthinkably Good things. The first film under their Mahogany label (with a largely black cast), the movie is gorgeous, features 3 leads that all have genuine chemistry with one another, deals with real problems, and back to back montages (!) the movie seems so stuffed that it could benefit from spending more time in this world. But that doesn’t mean we need to ever know if one of the characters REALLY think his sheep are his girlfriends.

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The Wedding Veil Journey Into How Questioning Whether Someone Is Actually British Can Backfire Spectacularly Feb 05, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason are on a journey into seemingly ALL of the topics including Jason’s (unsurprisingly) unfiltered thoughts on The Fablemans. Then the guys venture down an Andrea Riseborough rabbit hole where they find that Richard Roeper gives no f**ks. Kurt finally got Covid and gets the utter the words “baby bump” as he delivers the news that Blac Chyna may be pregnant with baby #3 (the guys are gonna send a baby basket). Then the guys finally reach their destination: talking about Hallmark’s Wedding Veil Journey starring Allison Sweeney, Lacey Chabert, and Autumn Reeser, set and filmed in gorgeous Greece. The movie just might be named after the band that does the song “Don’t Stop Believin,” and will soon lead to the latest movies in the series The Wedding Veil Combat, The Wedding Veil Throuple, and The Wedding Veil Anal Beads. But don’t you dare bump shame, (though it is ok to have opinions about your spouse’s cooking! PLUS, there’s even an incredible discovery made during this podcast about just how truly British one of the cast members is!

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The Wedding Veil Inspiration for Regional Food Shaming is a Human Centipede of Friendship Jan 25, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason are walking down the aisle (shotgun wedding style) with Hallmark’s Wedding Veil Inspiration. But first, Les has to model the Hallmark sweatshirt he was gifted, and Kurt has some incredible insight into the dark underbelly of Zoom gaming with Imogene Coca. Then the guys give some quick takes on the Academy Award nominees before stepping into the foot fetish frenzy of some evergreen Blac Chyna news! Then it’s time for this week’s movie which features more eating than you’ll see in The Whale. Even with so much food, there’s plenty of regional food shaming that gets so bad that one featured restaurant is forced to write inside their own packaging that the food is trash. If that’s not enough shaming for you, there’s some legit HR violation-level shade towards Autumn Reeser’s outfits, even from Lacey Chabert and Allison Sweeney’s characters. So get over your veil cooties cuz this saga ain’t done yet!

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How to Murder Your Husband: The Nancy Brophy Story starring Cybill Shepherd, Steve Guttenberg, and Rosy Pussytoes Jan 21, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by Jason Dubray from the Shelf Shedding Movie Show Podcast (@ShelfMovie). Jason Dubray thinks the guys are providing a great service by watching Lifetime and Hallmark movies, and they guys thank him for the kind words by forcing him to watch Lifetime’s latest movie to be ripped from the headlines, How to Murder Your Husband: The Nancy Brophy Story starring Cybill Shepherd and Steve Guttenberg. It’s been a minute since we’ve seen Steve, and now he looks… just like the real life murder victim he’s portraying rather than the guy that starred alongside the Village People in “Can’t Stop the Music.” Steve’s bringing the energy to this movie by constantly talking to chickens while Cybill is… just resting her eyes until the two can engage in some proofreading a manuscript as foreplay. Put on your blue (not orange) jumpsuit, cuz we’re about to play a game of pin the slab of meat on Steve Guttenberg!

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The Wedding Veil Expectations is not in the Same League as I Love Lucy Because it’s Filled With Clapper Jokes rather than Jokes about Microsoft Clippy Jan 13, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason are walking (very reluctantly) down the aisle with yet another Wedding Veil movie from Hallmark, Wedding Veil Expectations. Meeting expectations, this episode has Blac Chyna news about another Blac Chyna lawsuit. But the real focus is on Hallmark's latest trilogy that initially had Les excited until he realized that it was more exciting to hike with Markie Post. As you ponder whether Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Chelsea Clinton listen to A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast, Les will be over in the corner perfecting how to pretend to be dead while watching this movie. If you can get past Jason's rage over lame jokes about the clapper, at least listen to this episode to hear the (actual) true story of how Kurt was almost cast in the Mekhi Phifer role opposite Eminem in 8 Mile!

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Are My Friends Killers Or Are They the Park Ranger School of Acting Class of ’22? Jan 06, 2023

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back for a whole new year! 2023 has already brought Kurt a Tarot Card reading and the promise of getting laid… in June. Jason had a whirlwind New Year’s weekend, and Les got to wear some fabulous fringe! Then, it’s time to get back to business, just like Blac Chyna and another potentially violent (and potentially not true) incident. More critically, Les has a truly urgent June Squibb Report (huzzah!). Then the guys (rather reluctantly) attend the end of year showcase for the Park Ranger School of Acting Class of ’22, aka Lifetime’s movie Are My Friends Killers. Sure the acting (and directing, and editing, and writing) are, arguably, super not good. But does that really matter when the entire premise of the movie makes zero sense and the highlight of the movie are a couple of Eyes Half Shut Bodies Fully Clothed Parties, because nothing will fulfill one’s wildest desires like seeing someone in some well-pressed Dockers. You’ve got two choices: either do some snooping so bad it insults Les, or take your 40-year-old self and pose as a college student trying to play Hackysack on the quad yourself.

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The Ghosts of Christmas Always Will Visit You to Keep You from Watching the Punky Brewster Reboot Dec 30, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason are still in holiday movie mode, especially with Les living out his very own Hallmark movie as he travels through Europe to do the podcast from the lobby of a Marriot in Bristol. ’Tis the season to be sexy, if you’re Blac Chyna in a white thong with a giant red bow flanked by two giant nutcrackers and a highly addictive wheel of cheese. Then there no time like the (Christmas) present to get a visit from Hallmark’s The Ghosts of Christmas Present. The movie decidedly does not follow the same story structure of most other Hallmark movies, and it’s for the better since it allows co-stars like Reginald VelJohnson and Lori Tan Chinn a real chance to shine. The movie also shines a spotlight on a 10-year old Hallmark movie that also took great inspiration from Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, 2012’s It’s Christmas, Carol starring Carrie Fisher and Carson Kressley. And Jason definitely thinks Les should watch that (and countless other things) before watching the Punky Brewster reboot. Perhaps the most surprising thing to come out of this movie (besides the unnecessarily violently drawn out super repetitive and slow death of one of the characters) is who Kurt believes to be a better actor than Marlon Brando.

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The Holiday Sitter Helps Hallmark Make Strides with Inclusive Content Even as It Shames Hawaiian Holiday Vacations Dec 25, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason are just about ready for the holidays! Les is going to Paris and London! Jason just got back from New York where he did not see the many holes Les talks about! Kurt questions a log’s rights! And Les finally saw Home Alone! Then the guys are ready to examine Hallmark’s first movie featuring a same sex couple as the leads, The Holiday Sitter. It stars Hallmark staple Jonathan Bennett, and it also realistically addresses what getting married means if you grew up gay. It deals less realistically with surrogacy (and the planning surrounding it), features a lasagna for Les, and a side character that may (not) be spent from constant self-pleasuring himself. All that, and we welcome the latest alumni from the Park Ranger School of Acting!

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Steel Yourself, You’re Not Gonna See a Unit in My Southern Family Christmas, but You Will See Bruce Campbell, Moira Kelly, and a Nick Cannon Advent Calendar of Babies Dec 14, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason are bracing for the cold with Kurt’s extensive collection of crazy holiday cat sweaters, and Jason’s gonna need ‘em if he gets Busy in Brooklyn this weekend! Les needs to know who Bruce Campbell is (is he a journeyman actor?). Then after some uneventful Blac Chyna news, a bite of sushi in the bathtub with Zoe Kravitz, and a quick browse of the Skymall catalog, the guys are ready to celebrate My Southern Family Christmas. This Hallmark entry didn’t need its romantic storyline since it’s overflowing with never-fully-explained backstory about Bruce Campbell’s character. Did he have a drug problem? Was he in jail? Why are there seemingly so few black people in this town in Louisiana? If you like meat pies, lame icing fights, and have a Rick Moranis fetish, then this movie is for you!

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Three Wise Men and a Baby and a QR Code to Buy Hallmark Wine Dec 01, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason are now officially in their “tax” season as the holiday movie season has begun with Hallmark’s highest rated movie since 2019, Three Wise Men and a Baby. But first, a Margaret Colin (not Laura Kightlinger) rabbit hole, Blac Chyna Chyna news involving fondant, and Kurt learned about “sides.” Then, Hallmark cuts right to the chase with a shirtless man in a towel right at the top of the movie, so you know the office fun committee aren’t the ones planning this movie; if they had then there'd be a performance from a (non-drag) Britney Spears impersonator and the real William Hung with a special appearance from the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” lady. Our new more progressive Hallmark has pill popping, a very laissez faire Child Protective Services division, and Christmas Music remixed by Skrillex (probably). As you drink from your keg of eggnog, don’t forget to tell us you’re in a communist country without telling us you’re in a communist country.

Lindsay Lohan is Falling for Christmas in Netflix’s (Unauthorized) Sequel to Overboard and Unbreakable We Didn’t Know We Needed Nov 23, 2022

Les, Kurt and Jason are breaking from the norm by analyzing a Netflix holiday movie, Falling for Christmas! It’s currently the number 1 movie in the world on the platform, also features Glee and Acapulco star Chord Overstreet and General Hospital and Melrose Place vet Jack Wagner! Plus The Young and the Restless vet Michael Damian is a producer, so there’s a lot to discuss! Jason has an idea for a reality show hosted by Yoko Ono! Kurt wants to get in the game of flipping houses… gingerbread houses! Les is treated to so very many montages! And all 3 guys are in agreement that Lindsay and Chord weren’t the couple REALLY at the center of the story. So throw a Yule log in the fire as we look for a hot pink blob in the snow!

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Deadly Garage Sale Isn’t Profitable Despite An Office Evite Promoting Grossly Overpriced Pine Cones Nov 08, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason (and Les’ cat) are ready to rummage through Lifetime Movie Networks’ offerings and find a good bargain in the form of Deadly Garage Sale. But first we find out why Kurt was shamed at a Cub Scout Meeting (thanks, Bobby Helms!), a new specifically violent detail is learned in the Blac Chyna Rob Kardashian saga (a thrown patio chair!), and we learn that Les culturally appropriated green face for Halloween while Jason wore an adult diaper, naturally. Then, it’s time to check out the deals at Deadly Garage Sale, a Lifetime movie that starts strong with a Sweaty Swarthy Frank Zappa! Les may relate a little too well to having to help someone navigate tech, but we can all relate to HOA’s from hell, even if the hellscape is littered with so very very many yard sales. (Sidetone from Jason: I write these episode recaps, and I’m angry at all of us for never addressing that we never actually witness a GARAGE sale in this movie because we never even see the inside of a garage!). Consider this your Evite to a Garage Sale in the Santa Clarita Valley, complete with a screening of the OnlyFans page of Rick Breedlove.

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Let’s Get Physical with Jenna Dewan + Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelas’ Son in a Tale of Double Standards and George Goebel Oct 27, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason are all warmed up and ready for Lifetime’s Let’s Get Physical. But before they hop on the pole, the guys need to talk about veteran character actor George Goebel and whether or not Blac Chyna sex trafficked TikToker Ava Louise. And we learn about Jason’s experience on the @PodMeetsWorld podcast where he talked about his time as a background actor on Boy Meets World (and his many many recent run-ins with @BenSavage. Then they’re ready for the movie which is produced by Jenna Dewan (one of the stars) along with Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelas. Kelly and Mark’s son is in the movie, too, along with his muffins and a… “cookie.” If you’re looking for a movie with loud sex that you hear but never see, you’ve found it! So let’s discuss a reverse mortgage while doing reverse cowgirl and have a dance party in prison!

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Luke MacFarlane Tries to Score at Taking a Shot at Love but Puck Juggles into Being a Commentary on Slumlords with S’mores Oct 13, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here to wade into the Bros discourse by taking a look one one of Luke MacFarlane’s latest Hallmark movies, Taking a Shot at Love. But first the guys all share their Judy Tenuta stories: Judy was booed off stage at Kurt’s college, so Kurt walked out too! Jude raided the prize file cabinet of a famous radio personality! Judy gave Les some great career advice! Then we learn that Blac Chyna is starting to bare more for her OnlyFans page, and the guys start to strategize having Tokyo Toni on the podcast in hopes of eventually landing Chyna as a guest, too! Then it’s time to hit the ice for Taking a Shot at Love. The guys picked the movie since it starts Hallmark staple and current Bros co-star Luke MacFarlane, but the lack of a busy heroine, some unnecessary ethnic ambiguity, and a whole lotta cock blocking (or is it that a cock crowed), keep this from being the barnburner one might hope. If you plan to watch this, check your house to see if there are any non-hot people (and call the police if necessary), but do not eat a S’more, and do not accidentally go cruising.

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Ruthless Realtor Sells Us on a Weekend Getaway in Santa Clarita Where One Can Mount a Pregnancy Test at the Frame Store Oct 07, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason do their first-ever topless podcast (at least Les is). For the second week in a row, Jason is super skeptical of Kurt’s Blac Chyna report claiming Chyna is earning $20-million on OnlyFans, and Tokyo Toni agrees! Then the guys put in a bid for Lifetime’s Ruthless Realtor featuring a potential villain named Meg (NUTMeg) that is the girl at the audition that everyone tries to sit on the other side of the room to get away from. But Meg knows that a Brisket is a powerful tool, so powerful that Les thinks Kurt could date her, off-putting beret and all (Even Monica Lewinsky couldn’t ROCK one). See this movie if only to witness the new advancements in the way victims are drugged in a Lifetime movie and to learn about the law through post-it notes.

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BONUS: A Deep Dive on the 1989 Jackee TV Pilot Oct 03, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after an extended break of dealing with many personal and professional ups and downs. But to make it up to the faithful listeners, the guys decided to jump back into the grind with a very special BONUS episode about Jackee, the 1989 pilot for a spinoff of 227! But first, the guys debate whether it’s Evan possible that Blac Chyna earned 240 million last year on OnlyFans. Then it’s time to watch the pilot (at 1.25 speed for Jason!). Sure, Sandra is more likable since she’s running an Italian restaurant out of her apartment, but it sucks that her new job working in the porn industry is cut short so she can work at a combination gym and nail salon (these are actual details!). With a wardrobe from Chess King, a surly receptionist, and a cameo from Pearl, it’s a wonder that this wasn’t picked up to series!

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Keeping up with the Joneses: The Wrong Nemesis is not Theodore Rex, He’s Theodore NEXT with Meredith Thomas Jul 26, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome back very good friend of the show Meredith Thomas back to talk about her latest project. Meredith is Lifetime Royalty at this point, so it’s exciting that she’s now making moves behind the camera as the Second Unit Director for Keeping up with the Joneses. Kurt has some Blac Chyna news that Meredith and all of us are trying to wrap our head around (Courage). Then it’s time for Keeping up with the Joneses: The Wrong Nemesis (the first episode of season 2). Les schools everyone on great deployment of the soap trope “you never find a body.” There’s a lot of references to the “Whoopi Goldberg did a movie with a dinosaur” film Theodore Rex. Plus, with an expanded hoodie budget, (somewhat surprisingly) no welding, and shady money exchanges that feel like selling something through Craigslist, this movie is the right catalyst to teach us that sexism even persists in the boys’ club of ecoterrorists. Lesson learned: landladies can be spies, too.

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Catherine Bell at a Casual Prison with No Boundaries Means She’ll become Jailbreak Lovers with a Guy that Plays the Ukelele Jul 08, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason may (or may not) have survived the Fourth of July, but the jury is still out whether they survived this week’s Lifetime movie “Jailbreak Lovers.” But first, Kurt shares the incredibly riveting news that Blac Chyna Drinks 2 cups of coffee a day! Listener Lisa contacted us to let us know she enjoyed our banter about notaries, and Les’ sister Anita contacted Les to thank Kurt and Jason for saving Les’ life! Then, the guys don't beat around the bush (though someone should) when it comes to this ripped-from-the-headlines (and Dateline NBC) movie about Toby Dorr and John Maynard. The guys think Catherine Bell is far too attractive to be the dupe in this particular set of circumstances. That could have been fixed by some haircuts and dye rather than a sketch comedy old person wig that doesn’t get used. Ironically, it’s not the old person wig that has Les thinking one of the characters looks like George Washington (not Thomas Edison… and definitely Ben Franklin, oops). A good disguise also didn’t stop these characters from being genuine morons (as was the case in the real life story as well). But, honestly, anyone could break out of a prison that disciplines inmates with the honor system.

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Caribbean Summer Should Not Be Watched or Recapped Whilst Driving a Car in a Thunderstorm Jun 28, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after a longer than expected break after Les attempted to recap the movie while he was driving through Texas in a thunderstorm because he is a multi-talker that also once took a Covid test from behind the wheel. Kurt delivers some Blac Chyna news that has something for all of us! Then, the guys enjoy a Caribbean Summer, Hallmark style. If you’ve got a foot fetish, this movie is for you! If you’re into how news interviews, this movie is NOT for you! If you’ve long not cared about the Taylor Ham vs. Pork Roll debate, this movie is ALSO not for you! This movie shows some skin and gives us risqué dialogue. But nothing is more shocking than the fact that the family in Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer sent back Grandma’s gifts after her tragic reindeer trampling.

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Killer Grades Are Given for Aging Out of Being a Twink (like Menudo) Jun 06, 2022

Killer Grades Are Given for Aging Out of Being a Twink (like Menudo)

Les, Kurt, and Jason are still in the afterglow of their interview with the PornHub Math Teacher (check out the bonus episode that was released just before this episode), but they’re here to explore the way the Amityville Intellectual Property is being exploited. Plus, Les and Jason explain to Kurt (in a very quiet soothing tone) what ASMR is. Then Kurt delivers A LOT of Blac Chyna news (She’s being sued! She’s doing celebrity boxing!) And, of course, the guys have to dissect a movie, and Killer Grades from Lifetime certainly offers a lot to discuss. If you’re looking for intense nerds, Gremlins rules for dosing drugs, and an Academic Decathlon that makes an MMA fight seem quaint, then you’ve found the right movie (and the right podcast).

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BONUS: Interview with the PornHub Math Teacher Jun 03, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason are incredibly excited to talk to one of their bucket-list interview subjects (no, not Blac Chyna): the PornHub Math Teacher, Chang Hsu! The guys have been (not-so) low-key obsessed ever since they learned that there was someone teaching math (and making a good amount of money doing it) by uploading his SFW videos to PornHub. Maybe it’s his Master’s in Mathematics, or maybe it’s his play hard study hard ethos. Either way, he’s found a truly unique way to incentivize learning! You can find Chang Hsu on TikTok and (yes) PornHub @Changhsumath666.

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Pretty Little Dead Girl Has Low Blood Sugar and Lots of Lingerie but No Black Hoodie May 09, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back together, figuratively, as Les is in Ireland while Kurt holds things down in New Jersey and Jason does the same in California. The guys have a lot to get to including the biggest Blac Chyna news report ever, and the fact that Les and Jason get to meet a ton of Lifetime stars at a screening of The Wrong Blind Date (Jason even wore a black hoodie for the occasion). Then Kurt and Jason recap Lifetime Movie Network’s “Pretty Little Dead Girl” for Les (since he can’t watch the movie in Ireland). Les, without even having seen the movie, already senses trouble when he finds out there’s no black hoodie in this movie. Nor is there any baby switching of swapping of identities despite plot points that would have made either somewhat plausible. The movie, though, does feature people tweaking out on Diet Coke (probably), others experiencing low blood sugar for turning down a cookie that ISN’T stupid, and… a twist. Plus a schmaltzy ending.

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Love, Classified has Pansexuals, Heavy Drinking, and Even Feet Stuff May 04, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason gather to discuss what may very well be Hallmark’s most progressive movie ever. But first, there’s big news about Candace Cameron Bure post-Hallmark. And there’s even bigger news about the Blac Chyna / Kardashian trial (Tokyo Toni isn’t allowed in the courtroom… but Jason almost was, maybe). Then it’s time to peruse Love, Classified, a Hallmark movie starring Melora Hardin (aka Jan from The Office, and she who was cast and then fired from the role of Jennifer in the Back to the Future movies). The movie also stars Max Lloyd Jones (from Hallmark’s When Calls the Heart, and who used to work with Jason!) If you’re looking about a movie revolving around a much nicer version of the Next Door app, then you’ve found it… especially if you also want that movie to touch on pansexuality, intense grief, estranged family, and an almost date between mother and son! This movie is a big swing from Hallmark, so much so that Les thinks it’s his favorite Hallmark movie ever.

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Fatal Fandom has Twinks, Tacos, Crickets, and Death by Bandana Apr 16, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason get the to bottom of a very important question: Does Les think Nash Bridges is hot? (Spoiler: yes). But that doesn’t make Redd Foxx a Silver Fox. Then it’s time to celebrate Kurt’s birthday with a new manicure (Blac Chyna got one,) and (eventually) some cake. After jumping into a Ryan Seacrest / McLean Stevenson / David Caruso / Shelly Long rabbit hole, the guys finally get to Fatal Fandom, the Lifetime Movie Network movie that may have changed Kurt’s life. This movie has grapefruits with salt and the loudest tacos and crickets ever heard on film. There’s also shirtless working out (which could have just have easily been shirtless computer work) and special instructions to give your Grubhub driver if you’re stalking someone. Go to Encino to get your blazer, because we have a nice hot fudge sundae for you!

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BONUS EPISODE: Christina DeRosa from Drowning in Secrets Is NOT Alyssa Milano but IS Helping Female Directors, Writers, and Producers Apr 05, 2022

On this special Bonus Episode the guys welcome Actress / Producer / Good Human Christina DeRosa from Lifetime Movie Network’s Drowning in Secrets. Christina is at the top of the call sheet now, and she’s schooling Les, Kurt, and Jason on Situational Awareness (she talks to the extras!). Plus, Christina is gonna make Jason’s gay teen heartthrob dreams come true while also confirming that she is NOT Jennifer Beals (nor is she Alyssa Milano). Christina also checks some Susan Lucci fandom boxes for Les, and lets Kurt know that Little Orphan Annie was NOT in the Wizard of Oz with Natalie Portman (but Christina was!) Please check out a charity near and dear to Christina’s heart, fastfoward.org and check out Christina on Instagram and TikTok @actresschristinaderosa.

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A Little Daytime Drama Can Happen When You’re Not Actually Hiking to the Hollywood Sign Apr 02, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back and ready to talk about some Blac Chyna drama, some Will Smith / Chris Rock / Jada Pinkett-Smith Oscars drama, and the Hallmark movie A Little Daytime Drama. Before you watch the movie, you should seriously go look up clips of the early 90’s talk show Attitudes to really soak in some peak Linda Dano and Nancy Glass (or look up clips from SNL of Nora Dunn and Jan Hooks). Then, you’ll be primed for this soap opera-set movie that has a questionable understanding of Los Angeles and Hollywood geography, how many pages of script a soap can film in a day, and how a dog’s reaction means that the characters have been… intimate. If this movie isn’t for you, you can always look at the content on PosthumusPorn.com.

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Drowning in Secrets Star Laura Poe is Grilled about Empty Cups, Search Party Food Platters, and Shetland Ponies Mar 24, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome special guest Laura Poe to talk about her Lifetime movie Drowning in Secrets! Laura is nursing many broken bones after a snowmobiling accident, but is still very game to talk about her movie, Blac Chyna news, and the (seemingly sudden) popularity of this podcast in Australia! Plus, Kurt lets Jason know that he’s mad because Jason (seemingly) unleashed ghosts on him (see last week’s podcast). Then they all get in the water with Drowning in Secrets, a movie featuring sisters that clearly don’t communicate well with each other, fabulous pearls and Burberry umbrellas, former teen heartthrobs David Chokachi and Jason London, and a crash course in Gaslighting 101. This movie also features a hint of Prince’s fashion sense mixed with some Billionaire Boys Club preppy hotness as well as some relaxing coffee and Yankee Candles.

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If Walls Could Talk They’d Tell Meghan Markle Jr. About Amityville in Space Mar 19, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason return after a few weeks off, and they have a lot to catch up on, Les was recognized for his work whilst nude! Kurt heard back from the PornHub math teacher (he actually heard back months ago, but didn’t check Twitter)! Jason sent a friend a neon fruit sign! Then, they dive right into Lifetime’s If Walls Could Talk featuring a house that may be haunted by someone not terribly concerned with the drought. The guys were super excited to see the movie since it features friend-of-the-pod Meredith Thomas doing fantastic nosy neighbor work here (and concerned neighbor, too). Meredith, of course, has fantastic outfits (teaching Kurt about Laura Petrie). Jason, on the other hand, was so concerned about the casket carrying in the movie that he actually found a blog with tips on how to carry one! If this house is haunted, Kurt will not be living there because he does not have the time, he’s too busy watching Amityville in Space!

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Allison Sweeney, Lacey Chabert, and Autumn Reeser Assemble Again for The Wedding Veil Legacy, This Time It’s Personal Feb 27, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason are the podcast equivalent of Lacey Chabert, Autumn Reeser, and Allison Sweeney, only the guys aren’t sharing a wedding veil (you gotta listen to the pod to see what they think guys would share amongst themselves). But first, Kurt has some opinions on the Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood (not to be confused with The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants), and some big Blac Chyna news. Then Les claims that a trend that started on an episode of Seinfeld is now growing in the real world. But then it’s time for the guys to once again put on The Wedding Veil for Hallmark’s The Wedding Veil Legacy (this time it’s personal). Among other things, it features a (possibly) racist Nonna and a character that may be luring young children with the promise of historical poetry. What this movie lacks in some much-needed face tattoos, it more than makes up for in fabulous turtlenecks and squirting cannoli cream. And at the end of the day, it all makes for a solid episode of Hallmark Movies and Mysteries' new romantic dramedy Wedding Veil and Tux.

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The Wedding Veil Unveiled Autumn Reeser, Lacey Chabert, Allison Sweeney, and Hallmark’s Most Scandalous Plot Point Ever Feb 16, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason had a celebrity-filled weekend, which included Les hanging with our friend Meredith Thomas and meeting The Wrong Valentine himself. If he comes on the podcast, Child Protective Services may be notified if there are too many June Squibb references. Kurt once did a student film with future Oscars host Amy Schumer. And Jason watched the Super Bowl mere feet from former NFL player Michael Sam. But none of that is nearly as exciting (or racist) as Rob Kardashian possibly thinking that he’s Mexican as the Blac Chyna trial is about to heart up. Then, the guys dissect the 2nd movie in Hallmark’s Wedding Veil trilogy, The Wedding Veil Unveiled. This movie features a plot point that, by Hallmark standards, is pretty scandalous… and In this movie it’s something to be celebrated. Plus, is Emma the stalker? Are there people in this town really turned on by lace? Is there truly such a thing as Brimley fatigue? The guys will break it down in an incredibly riveting Power Point presentation.

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Single Black Female Brings Wind Chimes and a Head in a Bag to Crazy Girls Feb 11, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason talk about the upcoming Super Bowl and all the related parties in Jason’s neighborhood, reminding Kurt that he needs to have cake at the Abbey while Les films everyone’s reactions. In lieu of Blac Chyna news, it’s time for a Blac Chyna quiz! Then the guys have opinions about Lifetime’s "Single Black Female," a kinda-sorta-but-not-really remake of the movie “Single White Female.” What this movie lacks in shared DNA with the original, it more than makes up for with the presence of the original Aunt Viv from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Did they film the movie’s lone romantic date in the hallway leading to the bathroom of a strip club? Probably. Is there a severed head in a bag that is a different race than the person who was killed? Likely. Did some parents accidentally get their kids chloroform for Christmas instead of Chloroforms? Of course!

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Pyscho Storm Chaser Is Responsible for the Castaways on Gilligan’s Island Because Employment Law Allows for Murdering During Your Break Feb 04, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason have the perfect movie to watch during the winter storms: Lifetime Movie Network’s “Psycho Storm Chaser.” Everyone is being affected by massive winter storms at the moment, except maybe the podcast’s Lithuanian listener. Come visit the country of Bullsh**tia, home of crazy adoption stories and Blac Chyna news that will help you with the Lifetime of Hallmark drinking game. You’ll definitely be cheering this week’s truly insane movie where the killer’s motive is to teach people a lesson for not heeding the advice of their local meteorologist (seriously, that’s actually the motivation here). This killer then goes on the FRAME the weather for his crimes, leading you down a super deep Gilligan’s Island rabbit hole where you’ll wonder if those castaways were exiled to that island by the Psycho Stormchaser himself. In a town that needs to have a serious reckoning with the labor movement, only Woody Allen and a possibly former pole-dancing coma patient know the real score.

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Lacey Chabert, Allison Sweeney, and Autumn Reeser Pull back The Wedding Veil to Reveal The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants without the Pants Jan 27, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason give their thoughts on this week’s movie before their opening theme song is even complete, but first dive right into some Blac Chyna news that checks all the boxes. Then, the guys are ready for the first in a new trilogy of Hallmark films, “The Wedding Veil.” Starring Lacey Chabert, Allison Sweeney, and Autumn Reeser, only this expansion of the Hallmark Cinematic Universe could shine a well-deserved spotlight on a Grady from Sanford and Son Masterclass and a realization about Wilfred Brimley that Les is NOT happy to learn (and it has nothing to do with oatmeal, vodka, or cocaine… or the cease and desist that may follow. Do not cease from sending us your Mac and Cheese recipes, though, for it pairs wonderfully with an array of cakes and pies at couples therapy on your first date.

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The Wrong Blind Date with Special Guest Meredith Thomas is Lifetime’s Lady in Waiting to Queen Vivica A. Fox Jan 19, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason are incredibly excited to welcome back friend of the podcast Meredith Thomas (@meredithactress) to talk about her starring role in Lifetime’s The Wrong Blind Date. A psychic didn’t tell Meredith that she’d be doing the wrong movies, but they did tell us that the Blac Chyna reporting would once again get slightly more violent than the last time we heard the story. This episode is a MUST-LISTEN for fans of Lifetime and Lifetime Movie Network (LMN) as Meredith Thomas has appeared (so far) in 30 movies for Lifetime, second only to the Queen, Vivica A. Fox. In addition to Meredith, this episode also features an appearance from an important prop from the movie! Plus, the guys get exclusives about the pandemic’s effects on the movie’s wardrobe (more of Meredith’s own amazing wardrobe, less shirts for the guys) and food (no onscreen cake for the offscreen catering). And, there are pitches to for many other Wrong movies including The Wrong Construction Site, The Wrong Soap Star, The Wrong Podcasts Hosts, The Wrong Sperm Donor, and The Wrong Vagina.

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Days of Our Lives: A Very Salem Christmas with Daytime Confidential’s Jillian Bowe, plus Jackee Harry and Heteropaternal Superfecundation Jan 14, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome a very special guest to kick of 2022: Daytime Confidential Senior Editor and Podcast Co-Host Jillian Bowe (@jillianbowe). Since so many soap actors star in Lifetime and Hallmark movies, the guys wanted to see what the real blending of all those worlds would look like with Peacock’s swing at a holiday movie, Days of Our Lives: A Very Salem Christmas. Kurt wonders if this movie, set in the Days of Our Lives universe (kinda) is a school assignment. Jillian is skeptical of Blac Chyna’s 6-foot metal pole. Les reveals countless insane backstories from Days of Our Lives' past. Jason wants to open a temp agency specifically for last minute soap recasting. And everyone goes down an insane rabbit hole of heteropaternal superfecundation (twins with different dads). Perhaps most critically, this movie has Jackee, slapping, and shirtlessness.

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REPOST: Betty White and Jennifer Love Hewitt find The Lost Valentine Who Is Not Gil Gerard Jan 03, 2022

Les, Kurt, and Jason, like the rest of the world, are mourning the passing of the legendary Betty White. Back in 2019, they watched a Hallmark movie starring Betty White and Jennifer Love Hewitt called The Lost Valentine which showed us that Betty is a fantastic dramatic actor, too. So please enjoy that episode again (or for the first time).

REPOST:

Les, Kurt, and Jason join the search party for The Lost Valentine, a Hallmark Hall of Fame film starring Jennifer Love Hewitt and Betty White. One thing that was found: Gil Gerard's career! (Who knew Gil Gerard shaming could be a thing?) Kurt describes the east coast weather as a June Squibb (a surprising number of our episodes are tagged with June Squbb's name). The guys read serious "swinger dinner party" subtext into one of the scenes, learn that Captain Stubing was an abusive father, agree that public proposals are bad bad bad, and confuse one of the characters with Neo from the Matrix (or was it R&B singer Ne-Yo)... all while name-checking Lance Bass' movie "On the Line," Hoku, Don Ho, and the demise of the CableAce Awards.

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