2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura &amp; Bert Kreischer

https://tomsegura.com/tour
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Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:01:19 - Jason Kelce's Sumo Special & The Scariest Sport On Earth

00:07:18 - Disney Adults & Salt Of The Earth

00:16:19 - Ilona Maher & Bert's Peaky Blinders Assistant

00:22:45 - Miami Youth Football & Bert's First Fly Ball

00:29:43 - White Coat Syndrome & Bert's Testosterone Habit

00:34:50 - Checking Bodybuilders' Blood Pressure

00:39:20 - Our Barry's Bootcamp Trainer & Fartleks

00:45:16 - Bert's Crying Voice Memo To His Trainer

00:49:45 - Shirtless 50-Year-Olds On GLP-1s

00:54:09 - Slippery Floor PTSD & Bert's Gorgeous Legs

01:00:17 - The iPhone Duo & Medieval Times Gets Exposed

01:04:52 - The Bears Pitch An '80s Restaurant

01:09:36 - Blockbuster, Theo Von's Grandma, & Wrap Up

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Bert Wants To Shower With The Dominican Baseball Team | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Nov 02, 2026

Show notes

Join our next 2 Bears 5K on April 10th in Nashville, Tennessee! Register over at https://2Bears5K.com

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer link up remotely while Bert shoots from a Pokémon card shop in St. Petersburg, still recovering from two bottles of Dom Perignon in a suite at the Rays' World Series game. Bert begs anyone in Major League Baseball to confirm the Dominican shower rumor, then rips $70 worth of Pokémon packs hunting for a $4,000 card. From there, the Bears get into Netanyahu picking Burger King over McDonald's, the convicted murderer who escaped a Tennessee prison, and Tom shooting a movie inside an active jail, which turns into a full business plan for the most profitable prison in America. Along the way, Tom soft-pitches Nathan Fielder's Elizabeth Holmes documentary You Can See Everything, Bert relives an Elliott Gould dinner that went sideways over Bowling for Columbine, and the guys trade stories about the most unhinged teachers they ever had. Plus: the hottest pregnant belly Bert has ever seen, the 2 Bears 5K in Nashville, the Halloween mask that made Tom's neighborhood kids cry, Patrice O'Neal's Halloween pep talk, Maria Bamford's new Netflix doc, and Aaron Sorkin's absurd tan. Damn, can't believe it's already November!

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 346

Chapters
00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:28 - Bert Wants To Shower With Dominicans
00:05:28 - The Hottest Pregnant Belly Ever & The 2 Bears 5K
00:14:30 - Bert Rips $70 Of Pokemon Cards
00:20:49 - Netanyahu Likes Burger King More Than McDonald's
00:28:56 - Escaped Murderer & The Bears Open A Prison
00:36:50 - Nathan Fielder's Elizabeth Holmes Doc & Digger
00:42:19 - Elliott Gould, Michael Moore & AI History Docs
00:46:50 - The Most Unhinged Teachers We Ever Had
00:52:03 - The Warm Toilet Seat & Bert's World Series Bender
00:58:19 - Tom's Halloween Mask Made Kids Cry
01:03:26 - Maria Bamford's Doc & The Chad Daniels Deep Dive
01:07:42 - Aaron Sorkin's Absurd Tan, Bert's 54th Birthday Nude Shoot, Black Guy Stuff
01:19:01 - Wrap Up

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A Tiger Almost Ate Bert's Daughter | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Oct 26, 2026

Show notes

Join our next 2 Bears 5K on April 10th in Nashville, Tennessee! Register over at https://2Bears5K.com

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer check in from Austin and New York. Bert lays out his plan to spend 24 hours with Mark Wahlberg alongside Rob Lowe, from 3 a.m. prayer to sleeping in Wahlberg's daughter's bedroom. Then Bert says his new hour finally clicked in Philadelphia, and the guys pull up the People magazine exclusive about his couples therapy with LeeAnn that Bert doesn't remember giving. From there, Bert tries to Google a photo of himself with Dolly Parton to prove to his daughters he really met her, and instantly regrets it. The Bears also get into Bert's bench press push-up challenge, getting drunk for the first time in nine months on Por Osos, and why LeeAnn keeps asking when he'll retire. Plus: why Tim Dillon is the funniest guy alive, Bill Burr in The Social Reckoning, Tom making the case for Tom Cruise's Digger, comedy as a belly flop contest, why you never turn your back on a tiger, and Bert's plan to keep a pygmy hippo at home.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 345

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:11:07 - Bert's People Magazine Exclusive & The Dolly Parton Photo

00:17:14 - The Bench Press Push-Up Challenge

00:25:11 - Bert Got Drunk & LeeAnn Asks About Retirement

00:33:39 - Bill Burr's Social Reckoning & Why Digger Bombed

00:39:16 - Why Comedies Stopped Working & The Belly Flop Contest

00:44:57 - Never Turn Your Back On A Tiger

00:49:44 - Bert Wants A Pet Pygmy Hippo & Wrap Up

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Shane Gillis vs SNL: Round 2 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Oct 19, 2026

Show notes

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer check in with Tom in Austin and Bert in New York for the Food & Wine Festival. Tom opens by tackling the Shane Gillis backlash from his SNL monologue, while Bert tries to stay out of it for once (he just really loves those pants). The Bears react to the livestreamed execution of the Fort Hood shooter getting called off. Then Bert declares himself Team Katie for new White House press secretary Katie Zacharia, from her shaky first briefing to her gym pics and the bar exam she failed, and the guys give her three months, tops. He also opens up about his people-pleasing after a woman on a plane Googles him and asks, "What did you do?" Plus: Condoleezza Rice's 9/11 story, Bert buying Napoleon's cologne in Paris, Pope Leo's surgery, a maintenance guy catching Bert's 54-year-old mirror selfie, Bert's street-interview do-over, Chris Distefano charming Rachael Ray on Something's Burning, and Mark Zuckerberg's first Guinness.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 344

Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://ccpg.org/. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21+. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Predictions offer void in New York. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in 7 days. Trade to get Predictions Dollars that expire in 1 year. $50 in rewards issued every 7 days via click to claim for 21 days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Terms at https://dkng.co/audio. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State.

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:58 - Shane Gillis' SNL Monologue

00:06:28 - Bert Stays Quiet For Once & Those Gym Pants

00:18:35 - The Fort Hood Shooter's Execution Gets Called Off

00:23:15 - Katie Zacharia & Condoleezza Rice's 9/11 Story

00:27:58 - The George Bushes & Napoleon's Cologne

00:35:03 - The Press Secretary Failed The Bar & Bert's Oval Office Plan

00:42:31 - "What Did You Do?" Bert Gets Googled On A Plan

00:48:25 - Pope Leo, Bert's Mirror Selfie, & The Street Interview Do-Over

00:56:50 - Chris Distefano Charms Rachael Ray

01:01:30 - Zuckerberg's First Guinness & Wrap Up

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The Sebastian Maniscalco SiriusXM Drama | 2 Bears, 1 Cave | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Oct 12, 2026

Show notes

SPONSORS:

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer check in from the road, with Tom in Atlanta and Bert in Philly on his Permission to Party World Tour. The Bears debate whether they'll watch the Pentagon's livestreamed firing squad execution of the Fort Hood shooter, then dig into the SiriusXM Raw Dog Radio shakeup that had comics coming after Sebastian Maniscalco, and how one video turned into Bert starting a comedians union (Leanne is handling it). From there, Bert swears he'll die with his beard, finally tells Tom about the shot in Bad Thoughts season two he can't believe made the cut, and gets fired up over hood horse racing in Mississippi. Plus: Mike Ditka's one-take steakhouse commercial, Michael Jordan finding his lost championship rings in a forgotten safe, Chamillionaire's $25,000 autograph, Barry Sanders and The Fridge, and Tom getting pitched hair transplants.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 343

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:06:15 - Should You Watch The Fort Hood Shooter's Execution?

00:12:14 - Black Horse Racing & Sprinting On A Horse

00:19:31 - Bert Will Die With This Beard & The Bad Thoughts Shot

00:24:52 - SiriusXM, Raw Dog Radio, & The Sebastian Maniscalco Backlash

00:35:19 - Bert's Comedians Union

00:41:25 - Spam Calls & Mike Ditka's One-Take Commercial

00:46:34 - Michael Jordan's Lost Championship Rings

00:56:52 - Barry Sanders, The Fridge, & Elway's Two-Minute Drill

01:03:07 - Tommy Time & Wrap Up

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The Most Delusional Man In Comedy | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Oct 05, 2026

Show notes

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer call in from opposite ends of the map: Tom on a day off from his movie in Atlanta, Bert from Cleveland's Rocket Mortgage arena. Bert pulls up old Hollywood stars next to today's to prove Tom belongs in Cocoon, and Tom fires back that Bert looks like ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag. Then Bert drags in an arena worker to vouch for his looks, and she guesses Tom is 45. From there, the Bears lock in a bench press push-up challenge, Bert asks Claude who he should support between Israel and Palestine, before he finally admits to needing a seatbelt extender. They also get into Zach Bryan's Free Palestine shirt at Gillette Stadium, Ari Emanuel's memoir Roll the Calls, Bert's brutal gum surgery, Tom Cruise's Digger, and Tom introducing Bert to the cinematic universe of Quan Millz.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 342

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:04:09 - Football, The Metric System, & Catching Strays

00:09:13 - Tom Belongs In Cocoon

00:16:07 - One-Drink Bert & The Bench Press Push-Up Challenge

00:28:11 - Club Runs, Zach Bryan, & The Pillow Debate

00:33:20 - Goodwill Listening & The Gillette Stadium Beef

00:37:15 - Bert Asks Claude To Pick A Side

00:44:10 - "Do You Need Readers, Ma'am?"

00:46:58 - Pretty Privilege & Bert's Seatbelt Extender

00:50:31 - Ari Emanuel's Memoir & The Quan Millz Universe

00:58:24 - Animating Bert's Dreams & Tom Cruise's Digger

01:05:23 - Oppenheimer On A Phone & Wrap Up

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Tom Cruise Pulled His Own Tooth Out w/ Rob Lowe | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Sep 28, 2026

Show notes

Presale tickets for Toms new tour Preposterous go live September 30th at 10am. Make sure to get yours over at https://tomsegura.com/tour and use code: TOMMY

SPONSORS:

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This week, Tom is off somewhere, so Bert Kreischer is joined by the legendary Rob Lowe, back in the Cave to talk about his new movie The Musical, the Sundance comedy with a twist so audacious the big distributors were too scared to buy it, now playing in theaters. Rob breaks down the 18-day shoot, the moment that makes audiences gasp, and why a small theatrical run still beats a mystery streaming "hit." From there, the two get into learning stick on La Cienega, LeeAnn's endless story recaps, Tom Cruise pulling his own tooth for The Outsiders, and Paul Newman's legendary hangs. Bert opens up about his Free Bert season two meltdown and the night he forgot how to yawn, Rob shares what 36 years of sobriety taught him, and they pitch the ultimate Netflix show: 24 Hours with Rob & Bert, starring Mark Wahlberg as Dirk Diggler. Plus: Usher's house tour, Bryson DeChambeau's eagle, and the national anthem bit.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 341

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:39 - Skinny Bert & Driving Stick On La Cienega

00:10:43 - Bert Doesn't Listen & The Cousin Who Can't Eat Anything With A Hoof

00:23:54 - Tom Cruise Pulled His Own Tooth & Butch Cassidy Cool

00:32:05 - The Musical & The Twist Nobody Would Buy

00:48:40 - The Night Bert Couldn't Yawn

00:54:54 - Measured Drinking & Rob's 36 Years Sobriety

01:00:37 - Paul Newman

01:05:43 - Rob's Headshot Composites & Growing Up Before Phones

01:11:15 - Timothée Chalamet, Press Tours, & Tom Cruise's Perfect Day

01:20:22 - Mark Wahlberg's 4AM Club & Bryson DeChambeau's Eagle

01:32:11 - Stunt Flying With Tom Cruise & & The National Anthem Bit

01:41:58 - Humble Sons & Usher's Netflix House Tour

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Raygun Deserved The Gold Medal | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Sep 21, 2026

Show notes

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are on separate sides of the country, but still together in our hearts. Tom's about to film a movie and Bert's been running his takes through ChatGPT before he says them out loud, which still doesn't stop LeeAnn and his daughters from destroying him over The Pastor's Wife. Bert explains how Last Comic Standing edited him into the villain, and how much public misrepresentation a person should take before they swing back; Michael Jackson, Shane Gillis, Johnny Depp, Joe Rogan, and Bert's "how many bees until you start swatting" theory. From there, Bert delivers the two greatest analogies of his life, Tom demands the production Bible for Tenet to understand it better, and Bert turns his garage door into a guillotine. They also get into Kyle Forgeard of Nelk Boys running seven marathons in seven days, Bert's daughters hijacking his couples therapy to tell the therapist he only feels emasculated at Lowe's, and Bert's case that Raygun should have won the gold medal and that Jackson Pollock was a shill.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 340

Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit http://ccpg.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21+. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Predictions offer void in New York. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in 7 days. Trade to get Predictions Dollars that expire in 1 year. $50 in rewards issued every 7 days via click to claim for 14 days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Terms at http://dkng.co/offer. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State.

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:38 - ChatGPT Approved Takes & Death Of The Pastor's Wife

00:07:17 - How Many Bees Until You Start Swatting? + Purple Doritos

00:15:02 - Tom's Movie Beard & Revisiting Tenet

00:28:44 - 365 One-Minute Episodes & Bryson DeChambeau's Hole In One

00:34:08 - Mountain Dew Sizzle

00:38:01 - Football Segue

00:39:19 - Kyle Forgeard's Seven Marathons & Andrew Schulz's Miami Era

00:43:50 - Bert's Tom Impression & Couples Therapy With The Girls

00:51:03 - The Honey Deuce & Bert's Return To Drinking

00:56:16 - What Olympic Sport Could You Actually Get Good At?

01:02:50 - Raygun Deserved The Gold & Jackson Pollock Was A Shill

01:12:15 - Wrap Up

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What Percent Gay Are You? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Sep 14, 2026

Show notes

Check out Hoop and Huddle, YMH Studios' new comedy sports show, hosted by comedians Luke Touma & Nate Marshall. Two friends talking basketball, football, and whatever ruined their weekend. Less "analysts breaks down the tape," more "your boys yelling at the TV." https://www.youtube.com/@UCdaQbXFKAuvKcZcwieo8A6A

SPONSORS:

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Get out there and enjoy the outdoors with Mountain Dew. An American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you.

Welcome back to the cave! Hunter Biden says he's 48% gay, which raises the only question that matters: what percent are you? Bert and Tom build the math from zero, clothes, dicks, physiques, saunas, eye patches, a $5,000 face laser, and Bert climbs a lot higher than he expected to.

Along the way: why Bert can't watch Sophie Cunningham highlights, the uncomfortable truth about loving Jason Williams, John Stockton's total lack of pizzazz, the hunt for a white DB in the NFL, Bert calling his dad mid-episode to check the family for slave owners (Tom's family does not come out clean), Bert's sister telling him to grow up about his sleep anxiety, Ila volunteering to fight Tom's ten-year-old in the Octagon, the 2:30am Dodger Stadium aftermath, a device that grades your poop, and Bert's full-throated defense of the Philadelphia Eagles' male cheerleader.

Plus: this week's Mountain Dew summer sizzle submissions, including one that requires $2.6 million of CGI and one that just shuts Bert up.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 339

In Partnership with DraftKings. The Crown Is Yours. Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://ccpg.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21+. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in 7 days. Trade to get $50 in Predictions Dollars that expire in 1 year, issued every 7 days via click to claim for 21 days. 1 non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Predictions offer void in New York. Ends July 19th. Terms at https://dkng.co/audio.

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:14 - Hunter Biden Says He's 48% Gay

00:06:23 - Clip Farms, Sophie Cunningham, & Jason Williams

00:15:32 - John Stockton, White Boxers & Tim Dwight

00:29:23 - California's Slavery Bill & Bert Calls His Dad

00:34:41 - The Girlfriend, The Sister, & The Fight Challenge

00:42:34 - The Dodgers Game Aftermath & A Whoop For Your Toilet

00:46:11 - Male Cheerleaders, Female Urologists, & Checking Out Men

00:52:38 - Hiding From Lightning With A Grindr Meetup

00:59:05 - Comedian OnlyFans & Ohtani's $17 Million Translator

01:05:44 - Mountain Dew Summer Sizzle Submissions

01:11:34 - Wrap Up

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Jelly Roll Called The President A Fat Pig | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Sep 07, 2026

Show notes

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New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS spend five bucks to get $200 in rewards within 21 days - includes all markets.

Welcome back to 2 Bears 1 Cave! This week Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer dive right in with Jelly Roll's headline-grabbing Kimmel monologue where he addressed the president as "from one fat pig to another." Bert then takes full credit for Jelly Roll's weight loss and the entire genesis of the Two Bears 5K, because technically he was in the room when that casually became a thing. They also have exciting news, a new 5K is coming in April and it's going to be bigger than ever.

From there, Bert opens up about the panic attacks he's been having, severe, physical, and rooted in something he now understands: a complete lack of childhood bedtime structure. Tom grew up getting nightly Catholic prayers, a sign of the cross from mom, and the full rosary in the car for any trip over ten minutes. Bert grew up watching Letterman alone at nine years old at 3am while his dad slept off a ten mile run. The bears compare notes on childhood bedtime routines, how they each put their own kids down now, and what sleep anxiety looks like when it hits a grown adult, including Bert's most recent 36-hour panic attack that started when a friend told him he yawns too much and he forgot how to do it. He couldn't yawn for a day and a half. He finally yawned in couples therapy. That's where we are.

They also get into Mel Gibson getting lightly canceled for mocking a sign language interpreter (on the scale of Mel Gibson incidents, this doesn't even register), a game of complimenting Salma Hayek on the one thing she's never heard in her 60 years on earth, Tom Hardy's new rap album, Jonah Hill's white belt jiu jitsu bravado and whether he'd actually beat Jason Bateman's ass, the Eddie Bravo black eye that made Bert walk out of a jiu jitsu class without ever taking his jeans off, and the Times Square Stabber whose fat padding made every taser completely ineffective and whose stabbing motion made this incident appear beyond ridiculous at first.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 338