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Saying no to something means saying yes to something else.
Saying yes to something means saying no to something else.
So why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to say NO to someone?
Recently on multiple occasions, I’ve had someone ask if I could meet up with them for coffee. My immediate response in my head was “I don’t want to” quickly followed by the self-condemning thoughts of ”ugg I”m such a horrible person.”
Why was I equating the thought “I don’t want to do something” to me being a horrible person?!
Co-Dependent much?
Sidenote-
Co-Dependent basically is being so concerned about making others happy or desperately doing all you can to please other people, to make everyone else happy, and is a strong sense to be needed and wanted by others. It is very common but what you may not know is it’s actually a form of manipulation…you rarely show up authentically and leads to a lot of bitterness and resentment which is a LOT to unpack maybe at a later date.
(if you want to learn more about that the book The New Codependency by Melody Beattle is a great resource)
But I don’t want her to think I’m too busy for her or too busy for anyone, I want to be perceived as having time for everyone because that would make me a good “Christian Friend”.
So basically I want to be in control of how I’m perceived by others
I want to be in control of what others think of me.
Basically, I want to be in control, HAHA!
So why does one seek to “control”?
Often the root is to feel SAFE.
It feels REAL unsafe to not be able to control someone’s perception of us because if we can’t then there is the possibility that they could choose to judge us, reject us, or decide to think something about us that isn’t true.
But you know what the craziest thing of all is, even if I was perfect and truly had complete control of how I’m perceived they could STILL choose to judge, reject or decide differently about me (its called free will) and that, if I’m being honest initially feels downright terrifying.
That feels out of control.
That feels unsafe, doesn't it?!
What’s even more fascinating to me is that Jesus Christ, LITERAL perfection, God incarnate, who was without sin, had people HATE him, misjudge him, mock him, reject Him, and ultimately kill him!
And you know that the Bible says over and over and over and over in between His time being with and ministering to people…He went to a solitary place to pray. He tapped into and prioritized connection, communion, and TIME with God REGULARLY. He knew what “his assignment” was and what it wasn’t. He was able to handle the opinions of others because he was SOLID in his opinion and God’s opinion and identity of himself.
So many of us walk around this life being extra careful and extra cautious of what we allow others to see and don’t even realize that our motivation to appear so put together or so “perfect” is because we DESPERATELY grasping at avoiding the possibility of feeling an uncomfortable or out of our control feeling someone else “might” have of us.
Did you know everything we do or don’t do is because of a feeling?!
The reason you do everything you do and the reason you don’t do the things you don’t do it is because you are trying to FEEL a certain way or NOT FEEL a certain way.
It's truly fascinating.
Test it out.
Our THOUGHTS are what create certain FEELINGS and from FEELINGS we are motivated to do or NOT do anything and everything.
No seriously, test it out.
The reason you work out or don’t work out is because of a feeling….that is fueled by a thought you are choosing to think.
The reason you are bad with money or good with money is because of a feeling you have towards money…that is fueled by a thought you are choosing to think about it.
The reason you show up as a leader or shy away from leading is because of a feeling you have about your leadership….that is fueled by a thought you are choosing to think about it.
The reason you spend time working or don’t spend time working is because of a feeling you have about your work from a thought you have.
And here’s a kicker, we don’t fall out of love with our spouse, we just stop thinking loving thoughts towards them….which makes our feelings change.
FEELINGS AREN'T FACTS!
We’ll really be diving into this one in February inside of Leading Leading on the topic of transformation and unconditional love for ourselves and others and how we get to create as much love in our lives as we want
ANYTIME WE WANT!
The only way to FEEL more love in your life is to THINK more loving thoughts
And in turn, this even affects our PHYSICAL bodies, it’s fascinating!
Are you blessing or cursing your body with your thoughts about yourself?!
But back to feeling bad for saying no to someone.
A couple of guidelines I ask myself is “Is this my assignment?”
If we are here by assignment and in partnership with God in our calling some things will be FOR us and some won’t. Sometimes we have to trust that we aren’t the one to help them and that someone or something else is. (We might need to give up that hero complex, we can’t save them all and that's ok)
Also, when I’m saying no to someone what is the YES I AM saying yes to? Celebrate and focus on that! Don’t just focus on the no, focus on when you said no it meant you saying YES to something else that is important. For me, I KNOW that I know that I know if I don’t have downtime and time to process and reflect and have the energy to pour into my family and into Leading Ladies then I’m doing what I’ve been CALLED to do a disservice. They aren’t getting the BEST of me if I exhaust myself with what “isn’t my assignment” in this season.
I’m not saying use being an introvert or come in agreement with debilitating anxiety and never have a face-to-face conversation with someone…that’s a whole different podcast episode. But do take a moment and be aware of your thoughts and feelings….aware that feelings aren’t facts and make POWERFUL DECISIONS on purpose. Powerful decisions produce the fruit of refinement and peace…not bitterness and resentment.
And as always check in with yourself….and if your motivation to do something is only because you don’t want to be perceived or judged a certain way if you don’t….probably not the best or healthiest motivation.
Blessing to you and blessings to your BEST YES and trusting God with the rest!
Snag Jessica’s “How To Get Off The Hot Mess Express” mini course at www.jessicahefley.com/grow.
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