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    Comedy

    Hello Dysfunction

    Childhood best friends, PataFria: a professional Dominatrix, mommy/grandma and overall jack of all trades, and Crystal: a die hard animal lover, mommy/wife, peacemaker and caregiver of MANY share hilariously dysfunctional stories from their personal lives. Navigating mental illness, familial chaos, awkward sexual experiences, views on current events, a little gossip, the dumpster fire of politics and so much more.
    “Nothing is off limits and everything is funny”

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    Copyright: HelloDysfunction©2020

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    Latest Episodes:
    276: I'd Rather Be Pregnant Oct 30, 2024
    Doctors can be frustrating, Carolyn’s friends aren’t robots, don’t ignore your ailments and hang with us on discord! Don’t be mean to us, teen years are for making mistakes, Crystal’s cat wants in on the convo and merch is on the way!
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    275: I'm Calling America's Most Wanted Oct 25, 2024
    Unexpected expenses are so rude, exes need to stay away, men still don’t know how to act and RIP MIMI.
    Customer service has gone down the toilet, we don’t want new technology, older kids are the pricey ones and we love a good dessert.
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    274: Boner Killer Oct 17, 2024
    So many birthdays, there’s guns at school, colonization never stopped and Crystal went thrifting with our patrons. Santana takes all the shine, back to back disgust, a little anal play might be fun and the exes always come back.
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    273: The Boozy Brothers Oct 09, 2024
    Happy Anniversary HD!!! Don't tell people what you think of their body, praying for Hurricane Milton, and we love a good Freudian slip. Teenagers are not always fun, hold your ankles, Pata Fria has a feminist leg and Oktoberfest is cute.
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    272: Let's Have Less Oct 02, 2024
    We’re sweating again, Billy had a pet raccoon, Pat’s vagina is causing serious problems and men shouldn’t work in gynecology. Is WW3 upon us, we’re not fighting to survive, Crystal is still talking to strangers and Peez wants long arms.
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    271: Hubba Hubba Sep 25, 2024
    Marcellus Williams shouldn’t have died, deathbed confessions are common, skunks are REEKING havoc and the car problems continue. We’re all tired of gross men, Pata Fria is a vehicular genius, kids driving and humans functioning with exposed brain deserve recognition.
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    270: They Tried It Sep 18, 2024
    We’re ALL in trouble, Pata Fria and Carolyn are sisters, cigarettes are Crystal’s love language and dentists are scamming. Everyone’s getting hacked, FB marketplace is addicting, Crystal hates babies and Pat wants to be poly again.
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    269: A Game With No Winners Sep 11, 2024
    Carolyn has had enough of Crystal, Peez is making great choices, decorating is fun and Stinkers has been having a rough week. Our kids are never moving out, we enjoy being recognized, pay attention to new moles and there’s a video going around that will terrify everyone.
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    268: There's a Bitch in My Bed Sep 05, 2024
    We saw baby bobcats! don’t discuss dreams till after you eat, RIP Phil Donahue, don’t punish your statues and Pata Fria finally moved. Fully screen anyone around your kids, keep your episodes out of our DM’s, camping was a good time and Peez doesn’t bite her tongue.
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    267: I'm Busy Flirting Aug 14, 2024
    Happy Anniversary to Crystal and Mark!, T needs to leave Crystal alone, be careful who you’re doing favors for and Carolyn wants Jake. Pata Fria is trying new hair colors, Peez is growing up, stop finding creative uses for poop and grind your own meat.
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    266: Don't Just Do It Aug 09, 2024
    Pata Fria has a shoulder injury, Crystal can see the notes from her psych evaluation, avoid processed meats and pervs are hiding cameras. Someone sh*t near Pata Fria’s head, finally some great news, the garage sale is Sunday and cottage cheese is currently that girl.
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    265: Flicking Your Bean Aug 02, 2024
    Pata Fria has different hair, Nyah’s party was a success, Peez is still being Peez and Crystal completed a very important appointment. Pata Fria has been manic and sweaty, Crystal ran into the awesome spouse of a listener, we’ve made some great friends as adults and strangers can be very dangerous.
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    264: Closed Hit Fist Jul 29, 2024
    We’ve had a rough week. Nyah’s cotillion is coming, Pata Fria played a crazy prank, Carolyn acted a fool in Target and there’s a special use for tape. Kamala is not a good person, justice for Sonya Massey, Pata Fria is collecting garbage and Crystal lives in a spider sanctuary.
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    263: How's Your Mom? Jul 21, 2024
    We had some beauty treatments, it’s Jimbo’s birthday, Stinkers might need surgery and our judicial system is a JOKE. Mosquitos are evil, what’s your communion snack, thrifting requires dedication and our presidential process is embarrassing.
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    262: I'm Free Bleeding Jul 12, 2024
    We’re back!! Crystal is feeling better, the hot weather is annoying, Charlene got Carolyn for her retirement gift and books are being enjoyed. Crystal’s adhd screening is moving forward, another garage sale is happening, Pata Fria was able to see her daughter and men are still disgusting.
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    261: Lonely Days Jun 29, 2024
    The presidential debate was embarrassing, it’s now illegal to be homeless, happy birthday Bunny and Peez allows Crystal to sing with her. Stevi is truly Crystal’s child, there was almost a tragic accident, exes were hoping Pata Fria got killed and the Bay Area is getting scary again.
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    260: Working Out For Evil Jun 20, 2024
    Happy Juneteenth! The episodes are climbing, Pata Fria has mom hair, is praying for a new house and starting sleeping pills. This is a fitness podcast, we love to see people caring for themselves, older kids are HARD and parenting worries never stop.
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    259: It's Kismet Jun 13, 2024
    Pata Fria was sick, Richard has the best awkward experience yet, Bay Area apartments are SAD and boy moms are not ok. Keep your kids out of your social media career, your job isn’t the family you think it is, spiders been on a roll lately and dark disgusting books are fun.
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    258: White Death Paste May 31, 2024
    We’re recovering from a busy week, stomach bugs are going around, Peez is very two-faced and Crystal has a new hangout. Angering update about Graham, we hate a fake girls girl, Mark did an amazing thing and Pata Fria might be moving to Vermont.
    !!FREE PALESTINE!!
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    257: Hide The Crack May 17, 2024
    Crystal created an amazing protein drink, the workouts continue, we’re fond of mullets and Peez is not being nice. There are some cool discounts for low income people, an eventful first day of work, protect cheddar bay biscuits and beware of sneaky calories.
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    256: It's Still About Me May 11, 2024
    Hot weather is upon us, pollen is in full attack mode, Crystal got stretched and mental health is a constant struggle. Music in the 90s was filth, we are not confident surgeons, don’t answer your door for strangers and we love movies that are aesthetically pleasing.
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    255: I'm Gifted May 04, 2024
    Don’t drink milk. Pistachio desserts are top tier. If you see someone stealing no you didn’t and dogs don’t wanna be cops. All of May is Pata Fria’s birthday, Crystal had an amazing dream, let’s restart our meds and always choose the bear.
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    254: The Rodeo Raper Apr 27, 2024
    Pata Fria got her lips fixed and did some spring cleaning, Crystal has been spending some time in the community, the universe has been on Richard’s ass and Crystal now has a handler. Carolyn has a creepy admirer, don't scam people, don’t lie on people don’t spend your kid’s money and let people protest in peace!
    FREE PALESTINE
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    253: Leave William Alone Apr 19, 2024
    We’re back! Crystal was sick, William almost died, Carolyn is getting security cameras and anxiety has been ruining Pata Fria’s plans. Middle school kids are bad, Crystal interrupted an adventure, don’t use liquid car fresheners and avoid self checkouts.
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    252: Freak Show Menu Apr 06, 2024
    Carolyn and Pata Fria are out of control, it’s SA Awareness Month, we’re praying for a new reality show and if you exploit ppl you deserve to be a little scammed. FREE PALESTINE.
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    251: Sophia Mar 30, 2024
    FREE PALESTINE and s/o any countries finally stepping in, check online for unclaimed money, treat yourself to a new bra, it’s hard to stay asleep and Pata Fria is exploring age play.
    Keep sending us your lie stories and write ins and please subscribe/comment/rate and review!
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    250: Don't Doorbell Ditch Mar 23, 2024
    Cemeteries are shady, we’re clearing out some merch, mail is still being stolen and Crystal’s ghost is getting personal. We may have discovered the cutest job ever, there’s a movie to look forward to, respect people that wanna leave the party and unexpected blessings are always nice.
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    249: The Truth Ain't in You Mar 15, 2024
    Chemtrails are making us sick, be careful at CVS, the caregiver saga continues and Pata Fria’s exes are all in sync. Let’s try fake toenails, Crystal has new animals, population concerns are really about capitalism and BBL’s do not SMELL!
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    248: Cement Shoes Mar 02, 2024
    Being a woman is fun, said no one ever. Crystal is experiencing life thru a new lens. Brain disorders really hinder being a human and Pata Fria overcame a fear. Crystal is still functioning as a death doula, women’s hygiene products are top tier, businesses are leaving, humanity is evaporating and you gotta be careful around dogs.
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    247: Why Aren't We Purging? Feb 25, 2024
    Phone service was down, stay away from minors, numbing spray works wonders and we’re full of worms. Girl Scouts are cancelled, celebrities are gross and be careful with plumping lip gloss!
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    246: Young Sicko Feb 18, 2024
    Happy Valentine’s Day, don’t eat bees, tweakers are so horny and drugs aren’t safe to experiment with anymore.
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    245: Rigamarole Feb 13, 2024
    We had a little technical difficulty in the beginning but here we are. Testing new lighting, football fans are insane, perimenopause is upon us and being alone is pleasant. We love an ice cream sandwich family, Crystal might need to upgrade her cigs, 9-11 is still on speed dial and dress for the partner you want.
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    244: Donald Duck Setup Feb 03, 2024
    Crystal had Covid, let’s read books, the rain won’t stop and getting old is not a good time. Prepare your kids for adulthood, women are pervs too, don’t ask people their body count and always be aware of your surroundings.
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    243: Manipulative Bowel Movement Jan 20, 2024
    Peez has new pets, resellers are still annoying, physical reactions to genocide are normal and Rick Owens is a good brand to support. Could your dad be a serial killer, the universe gave us each other, be careful at the hospital and decorate your house however makes you happy.
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    242: Professor of Rats Jan 12, 2024
    Riding with Crystal is an adventure, Peez has been cussing a LOT, Pata Fria is having a really bad week and we’re all ingesting plastic. Do you ever plan for prison in your head, Crystal has a great new client, no that’s not a stuffed animal and a period ain’t stopping nothing but a sentence.
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    241: It's GOODNIGHT Jan 09, 2024
    We love a good garage sale but hate reseller price gouging. Crystal met an animal that doesn’t love her for once. Don’t raise your kids to be mean girls and don’t spend your money with terrible companies.
    CEASEFIRE NOW, END THE OCCUPATION, FREE PALESTINE.
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    240: My Dad's Dick Dec 29, 2023
    Xmas is still going, we love a man’s man, women need to carry guns and we would actually be really bad cops. Pata Fria might start taking tattoo appts, our government is the worst of the worst, Crystal isn’t great at remembering names and just don’t eat Carolyn’s cooking. FREE PALESTINE, CEASEFIRE NOW, END THE OCCUPATION.
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    Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home.
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    239: I'm Sorry Officer Dec 23, 2023
    The hangout was a success, making your partner a mixtape is true love, Crystal got to share some holiday spirit and Santa has been commodified. Bingo gets SERIOUS, practice proper pharmacy etiquette, Peez is loving cuss words and Pata Fria has been having some terrible dreams.
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    • BetterHelp
    Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home.
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    238: Watermelon and Hammer Pants Dec 16, 2023
    We’re back after a month.
    The flu is not playing fair, Crystal is hit with tragedy once again and losing Carl was a loss for so many.
    Who’s doing the hiring at Richmond Kaiser, Crystal is enjoying a new meat, Charlene had a favorite roadside hustler and don’t support soft white underbelly.
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    237: Product of a Sex Appointment Dec 03, 2023
    Crystal has on cute socks and Pata Fria is losing her voice. Migraines can ruin your life, toddlers are insane, coffee and books have been the vibe this week and boycotting works. Oil pulling has begun, men are not ok, Hollywood is full of pedos and abusers and this week we got some great write ins.
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    236: Another Horny Scorpio Nov 25, 2023
    Pata Fria’s whole house is sick, wear your shoes while you can because they crumble, beware of the Bernie’s and please keep spreading the truth about this genocide. Client flashbacks are fun, Crystal has been making more friends, the older you get the less clingy you are and exposure therapy really works.
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    235: Thank You White People Nov 10, 2023
    Mark is on a honeymoon with his mom, FREE PALESTINE, always acknowledge rock ‘n roll, STD’s have a dark origin, discovering new coffees is fun and diaper rash cream saves the day.
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    234: Happy Halloween Nov 03, 2023
    Happy Halloween guys!!
    Pata Fria is having a really rough menstrual moment, when working with old folks maybe leave your bad attitude at home, teenage house parties are NOT a good time and unfortunately most beauty treatments come with risks.
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    233: It's My Birthday Oct 27, 2023
    Xmas tree scented candle got us in the spirit, Crystal doesn’t deserve the amount of poop she has to deal with, never trust a sneaky bum and do not wear super curved toenails. FREE PALESTINE, censorship is out of control, while joking kids are always off limits and ghosts are still showing off.
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    232: Insatiable Oct 20, 2023
    FREE PALESTINE.
    Karma is gonna get shady car mechanics., our priorities are not in order, school stuff is stressful and bidets are fun. Don’t outshine the birthday girl, whale watching is coming soon, celebrities are doing way too much lately and industry plants might be a thing.
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    231: Funky Clown Oct 13, 2023
    FREE PALESTINE.
    Busy days are rough, black mold is dangerous, kids should not be dealing w discrimination in 2023 and Peez is really a ray of sunshine.
    Beware of creepy men, violent exes and celebrities that need you to send them money.
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    230: Happy Birthday HD Oct 06, 2023
    Twinkle twinkle…it’s been 5 whole years!
    Thank you to everyone that’s been with us for the ride. Crystal has a typical Hello Dysfunction encounter. Pata Fria finally cracks an ongoing case. Hugs to anyone that grew up with a mean grandpa or has kids that have scared you to death while hiding.
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    229: Possible Meteor Sep 28, 2023
    Pata Fria is feeling like vertigo, Crystal has had ENOUGH. Carolyn makes a gruesome discovery and once again our girl is called in for duty.
    Keep your creepy friends away, be careful when using harsh chemicals, rebounding is amazing exercise and it’s sad when you ruin your favorite restaurant.
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    228: She's Hot Sep 22, 2023
    Dogs are a huge responsibility.
    Crystal is still trying to re-home a really great fur baby. Disneyland for Peez was an amazing time and podcasts are perfect listening for road trips.
    Twitter has brought a lot of us together, updates about dumping jerks are awesome, traumatic visual flashbacks are terrible and please don’t drive in flip flops.
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    227: I'm Coming, Daddy Sep 15, 2023
    Old fashioned training diapers were painful. Manners are SO important. We need to go on a Midwest thrifting tour and Crystal is ready to call 911 at ALL times. Don’t ask your friends for discounts, don’t pick up snakes you don’t know, don’t send your kids with the Boy Scouts and don’t stay with a partner that wants to split every cost with you.
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    226: Stop Talking Sep 08, 2023
    Crystal needs to CHILL OUT. Peez is having a big girl week. Teach your kids to keep their hands off other ppl’s property and we’ve updated some things on Patreon. IG is following accounts on it’s own, vaping is more dangerous that we realized, some of these kids games are advertising s*x games and Covid is back in town.
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    225: Trig Sep 01, 2023
    Mosquitos are attacking. We’re on YouTube. Corn really angers Crystal and Pata Fria wants a stud farmer. Since it’s available, everyone should be using full body deodorant. Stop remaking movies. Technology is killing is and our government is a joke.
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    224: Drippy Drippy Aug 26, 2023
    Hot weather sucks.
    Don’t hang out near people’s front door. Peez is a singer, anonymous harassment is cowardly and technology is getting scary.
    Tempers are short, Bay Area bippers are out of control and we don’t really mind if you want to have fun with our deceased family.
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    223: Put On a Tool Belt Aug 13, 2023
    We’ve had a week of bullshit, another one bites the dust, more words we like and some new natural biohacks. Watch who you pocket dial, costume jewelry is not for men, pray for Maui and we’re headed to the desert.
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    222: Just Say You're No Fun Aug 05, 2023
    Pat is recovering from alcohol poisoning.
    The live shows were more than we ever hoped for. Crystal thinks she has a “dance space”. Nations got us thinking we’re famous. Is Lizzo disgusting? Crystal is Peez’ favorite person in the world. And Taco Bell better stop skimping us.
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    221: Say Excuse Me Jul 28, 2023
    We’re bleeding, overwhelmed and preparing for the live shows. Pata Fria is testing a new intimate bleaching cream, it’s Jimbo’s birthday, William hurt himself and Mark has been a huge help. A UTI vaccine is coming, a little progress is being made in the Tupac murder investigation, don’t fake a kidnapping and don’t act a fool in another country.
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    220: Murder Deluxe Jul 17, 2023
    It’s been a rough eventful week.
    Crystal is losing a toenail, displays excellent self control and has another new word for us. Pata Fria got a new car, shot photos in a kinky dream house and had an interaction with a possible trafficker.
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    219: Lackadaisical Jul 02, 2023
    We’re fancy and video production has begun.
    Pata Fria is experiencing creative mania, Crystal is showing off her vocabulary and if someone asks you about an enemy just say they died.
    Don’t let your power get cut off, be kind to shipping employees and you know gore is bad when it leaves you with chest pains.
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    218: Can Crystal Get a Break? Jun 23, 2023
    Finally some nice weather.
    Happy Birthday Bunny! RIP Billy and shoutout to all the great dads. Real panic auto adjusts your senses, stay out of submarines, Pata Fria had another planned parenthood date and don’t be the friend with the smelly vagina.
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    217: When a Man Loves a Woman Jun 13, 2023
    Pata Fria is off her meds.
    Crystal has PTSD from a popular love song.
    Compliments from women are the only ones that matter and Orcas have had enough.
    Being naturally funny makes anyone attractive and you never know what’s coming when Carolyn is on live.
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    216: 800% Turf Girl Jun 03, 2023
    Crystal has a serious announcement.
    We have an official HD tattoo.
    Americans sometimes have to share prescriptions, Carolyn is a natural liar and she might have some secrets.
    Pata Fria has some excellent post-breakup advice, Big Mama got her groove back and having standards is actually really important.
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    215: Bathroom Brawls May 26, 2023
    Pata Fria drank a cigarette and feels sick.
    Nations loves us therefore we’re famous.
    RIP Tina Turner.
    Be careful doing whip it’s, Nicki Minaj is embarrassing, men are not our favorite and the universe has been picking on Crystal.
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    214: Act a Fool May 20, 2023
    Pata Fria is the birthday girl.
    And also Stevi.
    Mother’s Day was lovely, Crystal’s parents are inappropriate and our background noise is always a surprise. How honest are you? We hate Walgreens and love a good crime doc.
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    213: Whack A Mole May 15, 2023
    Crystal thinks she’s so funny at the worst times.
    Peez and Crystal have the same pronunciation, Mae and Ivan are done, Pata Fria is fired from the promo team and mark your calendars for the live show!!
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    212: Extra, Extra May 05, 2023
    It’s really true what they say, what’s done in the dark will always come to light.
    What happened to girl code?
    Crystal is almost prom queen at the new Safeway and many thanks to Robyn.
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    211: BG and HD May 01, 2023
    This week Hello Dysfunction got to sit in with another Bay Area podcast, Burbeck and Garretson. We got some male prospective and a lot covered with seven of us all sitting in.
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    210: Sex Feet Apr 21, 2023
    We’re still sick.
    Pata Fria is drunk and off her meds.
    The craft supplies are out of hand and Crystal has some great white trash tattoos.
    Crystal’s family has more dark secrets and sharing a bed is poor people shit.
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    209: Big Mama Apr 16, 2023
    Crystal loves having phlegm.
    Pata Fria is going thru metamorphosis. Again.
    Peez loves to cause a scene and cigarettes are pretty hot. Crystal’s dream ruined their new lashes, local sex workers are making everyone really proud, eating food in the bathroom isn’t that bad and the 90s were pretty barbaric.
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    208: Small Town Drunk Apr 06, 2023
    Rest In Peace Queen Prudence.
    Stand on one foot if something is wrong.
    Pata Fria is a single woman and will be for the rest of her life.
    Poppies and eagles are for Merica.
    Carolyn is gonna hit Crystal any day now.
    Uncle Jimmy wants something and Pata Fria really doesn’t need alcohol.
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    207: Arch Nemesis Mar 23, 2023
    This week we’re doing something different and sharing part of an episode that was exclusive to Patreon and we really enjoyed. We hope you like it, the full episode and video are on Patreon.
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    206: Wet Irish Meat Mar 18, 2023
    Sinus infections, vertigo and stomach viruses…oh my! Traffic has Crystal ready to leave earth and tummy tuck swelling is an unpleasant surprise. It’s now illegal to send surprise unwanted nudes in CA and Trump is going to jail.
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    205: Stay Out There Mar 13, 2023
    It’s a wild Saturday night!
    Crystal got crop dusted, smoking used to be really cool, don’t encourage conversation with strangers and please always ask before dropping some heavy loads on someone.
    Pata Fria can’t see and is still getting really manic. Crystal has taken steps to get her ADD under control and is drinking more water. Fords have no loyalty and being yourself will ultimately give you the best life experience.
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    204: Where's Your Teeth?! Mar 05, 2023
    Crystal is planning a no dairy challenge, Peez is after all the babies, driving in the rain is scary and people are always showing up at Pata Fria’s door.
    Carolyn is doing and not doing whatever she wants, insulting racist humor isn’t funny and you don’t have to claim your whiteness if you don’t want to.
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    203: Car Sandwich Feb 25, 2023
    Pay your bills. Crystal is on the loose! We’re experiencing a REAL winter right now and Pata Fria’s foot is probably fractured. Mayo is really important to Crystal, Pata Fria has been leaning on God and they’re both considering starting a church.
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    202: Budget TV Dinners Feb 17, 2023
    Valentines Day was cute, same day delivery is dangerous, we can definitely be bought and some people don’t have visual imagination!
    Childhood trauma is so so hard. We miss old TV dinners. Don’t let your kids date adults and Pata Fria has an album coming soon
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    201: Sex Machine Feb 10, 2023
    Surgery is done!
    Pata Fria had a rough time but she’s finally home.
    Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, re-use your towels and Robert Crumb is basically Crystal’s family.
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    200: Hanky Jan 21, 2023
    It’s episode 200!!!!
    We’ve been doing this for 200 years.
    Jimmy is alive. Happy Birthday Stinkers.
    Build A Bear has gone too far.
    Pay attention to the messages the universe sends you and don’t forget your kegals.
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    199: This Is Honesty Hour Jan 14, 2023
    Did your family swim in garbage cans?
    RSV is terrifying. Dnt throw away cookies and try not to pee your pants.
    Everyone’s info is on the internet and if you have it in you, be a Dom.
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    198: Brown Couches Jan 10, 2023
    Happy New Year!!
    Don’t pawn your family’s decorations for meth. Crystal was a really bad child. Girl you know it’s true is a timeless classic. Apologize in your partner’s love language!
    Being a woman is really risky. Movies from the 90s can be pretty great. Pata Fria is sensitive to criticism and mean parents get softer with age.
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    197: Couch Ham Dec 29, 2022
    Welcome to the dysfunction, Crystal’s brain has fun commercials on loop.
    Please don’t put Pata Fria on the spot about a tip. Christmas was different for everyone this year, but let’s keep it cozy as long as possible.
    RIP to our HD family member Rahni 🖤
    Try to stay loose if you’re in an accident and ask Crystal to show you her new sweats!
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    196: A Good Bay Area Welcome Dec 19, 2022
    Pata Fria is really sick. Crystal has identified the local pervert. Spread kindness whenever you can and school is really a scam. Power really changes people and Crystal’s hypothetical questions are ENDLESS!
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    195: This Disease I Have Dec 11, 2022
    Pata Fria is sick. It’s a painful sick.
    Don’t ask people if they just woke up.
    Keep an eye out for the local serial masturbator.
    If your burps stink please stay home.
    Sick dreams have been so fun and Suga Free is cancelled.
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    194: Who’s Knocking? Nov 24, 2022
    We’re back after a week of chaos!
    Please provide others with the type of service you’d like to receive. Pata Fria finally got her tree up. Vaginal issues feel like bad karma and cartel videos are great.
    Crystal had a visitor, Peez is cussing, grave robbing isn’t always bad and don’t accept bad treatment from anyone, not even family.
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    193: Best Friend Energy - Ad Nov 14, 2022
    193: Business In The Bathrobe Nov 12, 2022
    We’re back and better than ever!
    We love men who cry, break ups are embarrassing, we love meeting listeners and don’t lie about sleeping with people.
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    192: Little Mama Nov 05, 2022
    Starting out with a little ASMR. They aren’t called “windmeals”. You gotta be a little well off to really enjoy Disney. Childhood makes you the person you’ll be. Nightmares have been really rude lately and unnecessary details are Crystal’s favorite.
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    191: Bang Bang Niner Gang Oct 28, 2022
    Welcome to episode 191
    Peez swings on everyone, genetics are crazy and we’re slowly becoming our moms. Don’t send illegal things thru the mail, Crystal has very sexual recipes and it’s so cute when you let kids dress themselves.
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    190: Pata Freak Oct 22, 2022
    Peez introduced this episode, Crystal serenaded our intro, Toto is timeless and Pata Fria might be drunk.
    There’s a new Damato in the gang, 80’s Cabbage Patch Kids are the current obsession and we got some things to celebrate!!!!
    War times are getting intense, don’t make a joke of adrenochrome, iron lungs are crazy and Grandmacore is not what it sounds like.
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    • THE Commercial Break!
    Two long time best friends Bryan and Krissy get together each Monday Wednesday and Friday to discuss life, love and the pursuit of absurdity.
    Sinister ministers, ridiculous MLM companies, alien light language, TV dating shows, monster hunters, terrible psychic readings and more!
    The Commercial Break hosts use their unlikely friendship and personal life stories as a backdrop to discuss some the insane topics and trends from around the globe.
    THE Commercial Break is available wherever you find your favorite podcasts or you can visit TCBpodcast.com .Thats TCBpodcast.com or go to YouTube.com / THEcommercialbreak
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    189: Ruby Edgewood Oct 14, 2022
    Welcome. This is not a scam.
    Knees are getting injured left and right, Peez had a meltdown in front of the paramedics and Mexican pizzas have been subpar.
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    • BEST FRIEND ENERGY
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    Their friendship and business began with a single text and now has them organizing celebrity homes, traveling the world and laughing every step of the way.
    From Sony Music Entertainment, Hello Sunshine, The Home Edit and Somethin' Else, listen and follow Best Friend Energy wherever you get your podcasts.
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    188: Your Sleeping Bag Stinks Oct 08, 2022
    It’s our anniversary.
    Familial masturbation is awkward.
    Pata Fria’s ghost is jealous again.
    The wedding was beautiful and Crystal beat a ticket!
    Be grateful for everything, even the hard lessons. Carolyn needs a phony inspection. Dreams are getting crazy and we have serial killers.
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    187: Small Town Girl Sep 25, 2022
    If you don’t like us, we feel you.
    Pata Fria was given a defective vagina, Crystal used to love morning after pills and there’s a fine line between subtle enhancements and full on transformation. Crystal lasered herself a new face and loved telling everyone all about it.
    Men flirting is really cringe. Sexual dysfunction is stressful and Crystal is NOT from Steel Magnolias.
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    186: Her Shoes Don't Fit Sep 17, 2022
    Pata Fria is a bio hacker.
    Roasting yourself is empowering!
    Bring back pink popcorn, more lavender foods and bad moms are a popular theme this week.
    It’s Latinx heritage month! Scarface is cancelled and don’t give your child a ridiculous name.
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    185: One, Two, Three, Six Sep 10, 2022
    Happy Birthday Peez!!
    Hers a big girl and is already acting like it.
    The Queen has passed. Now return the stolen artifacts. We’ve been having record breaking temperatures, don’t share my goodbye letter and tape your mouth shut.
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    184: It's Ramen Time Sep 03, 2022
    CHREEEEEEEES!!
    We feel sick. Crystal is a woodworker. Don’t sleep with your dead pets and Pata Fria is opening a Montessori school.
    Be patient with your neurodivergent partners and learn your love/apology languages.
    Forgiveness develops with time. Growing up in the 90s was so incredibly toxic and have you made a virginity promise to your dad?
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    183: Murder Was The Case Aug 29, 2022
    The kids are back to school and bringing home germs, yay!
    Crystal is a contractor specializing in residential renovations. The local Starbucks needs to train their employees on proper protocol.
    Bukk is here. Beater Boys. Please keep your pets away from onions and garlic!!
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    182: Not Classy And Kind Of Annoying Aug 20, 2022
    Happy Birthday Crystal!!!
    Camping was a shit show, trouble follows us everywhere and influencer drama has us in a chokehold.
    Reviewing some unnecessary write ins, not the good kind.
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    181: Contist Aug 11, 2022
    Leo season is upon us.
    We’re recording in a bed.
    Is Pata Fria’s ig gone forever?
    Crystal’s house and nerves are in disarray, Pata Fria and Will started fasting and talk shows in the 90s were AWFUL.
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    180: He Was On Demon Time Aug 04, 2022
    We’re doing our best.
    Crystal’s house is all over the place, Pata Fria is a carpet cleaning professional, stop leaving your lashes everywhere.
    We’re still waiting on Uncle Jimmy, let’s all take monkey pox seriously and always plead not guilty on your tickets. It’s worth a shot.
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    179: Don't Call CPS Jul 28, 2022
    Is the Choco Taco really saying goodbye?
    Kids, finish your raisin water, snap peas and blackberries.
    Shaving Cream has a lot of uses!
    Your name coulda been Elvis.
    Stop wasting paper towels and wash your rice?
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    178: Mexican Violence Juice Jul 21, 2022
    Welcome to grow tf up everything isn’t funny.
    Carolyn might be getting a roommate, Pata Fria is becoming a gamer and we might move to LA.
    Never leave your kids unattended, follow these notes on how to be a good wife, zebras in CA is true.
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    177: Slugging Jul 15, 2022
    Back loving the Blood Mary’s.
    Let’s all get new haircuts. We live in hell, boric acid is not for everyday use and if you’re into skat play safe!
    People flashing their lights in the daytime are friends! And Crystal won’t even cheat with a doll.
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    176: Dickfished Jul 09, 2022
    In person is always better.
    Everything in moderation, even the good stuff.
    If you love me, play dead.
    Loss of a pet is insanely rough.
    If you’re gonna dress up your siblings at least take pics.
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    175: Betty Gotta Go Jul 04, 2022
    We’re so happy to be back.
    We would like a Raisin Bran sponsorship.
    Now Bunny has Covid.
    Be careful driving cars that backfire.
    Bladder botox is ridiculous and we miss our grandmas.
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    174: Tweeker Pooh Jun 23, 2022
    We’re back!
    Crystal and family had Covid, Pata Fria ran away to Florida.
    iPhones are messy, don’t make new videos of dead loved ones, Crystal will never stop seeing dad d*ck and got a hot new bathing suit!
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    173: Don't Come Here Clean Jun 10, 2022
    Pata Fria got a Mexican denture and surprised herself with how creative she gets while hurt. Crystal got a special voicemail and visit right when she needed it. Nightmares are among us, after 2.5yrs Crystal finally got Covid and blocking ppl is about self preservation, not you.
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    172: Roach Girl May 27, 2022
    It’s hot.
    Roaches are never welcome.
    Crystal is a caring death doula and guns are outta control. Pata Fria is more prude than you’d expect, thank god for growth, use water in the bathroom and dnt be gross.
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    171: We Be Havin' Thangs May 20, 2022
    Happy Birthday Pata Fria.
    Don’t call me “lil mama”.
    Be extra nice nice to the ugly produce and Aunt Debra is a damn fool.
    Being a woman is annoying, not everyone can breastfeed and Crystal’s singing has to stop.
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    170: Little Wet Friend May 13, 2022
    We’re almost 4 years old!!
    Pata Fria is back from Mexico.
    Carolyn might have a keepsake for sale and we have a new beauty secret to share.
    Check out this week’s sponsors!
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    169: Just Date Crows May 05, 2022
    Crystal is an adult cheerleader.
    Keep politics out of our vaginas.
    Hyper sexual children are more common than some realize and love at first month is totally possible.
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    168: We're Trying Apr 28, 2022
    Coffee is a trickster.
    Tomatoes used to be a lot better tasting.
    Stop telling everyone your family planning and extreme cheapskates are great.
    Crystal is ALL about mid century modern and Pata Fria is getting her affairs in order.
    Check out this week’s sponsors!
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    167: Fluffer Apr 16, 2022
    Welcome.
    Pata Fria draws nice stars. Crystal’s “what ifs” are non stop. Don’t fall for IG scams. Don’t forget your kids places, honest people still do exist.
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    166: Loser Juice Apr 08, 2022
    Wanna smooth things out? Make a dance routine.
    Women are really in constant physical pain.
    Water isn’t a good time and cannibalism should be legal. Personality tests be on point and don’t let social media make you feel like you aren’t doing enough.
    Check out this week’s sponsors!
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    165: Parliament Belt Mar 31, 2022
    Eat cinnamon mentos for dinner.
    Our kids been stressing us to death and we hate Pepsi. Our recording decor is really classy and Netflix is being greedy. Tips on how to get more fellatio and plan your after death signs now.
    Check out this week’s sponsor!
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    164: Gas Station Pedophile Mar 18, 2022
    RIP to our dear listener Lauren.
    Do your laundry.
    Carolyn needs to make some money.
    Divorce is ok!!
    Swear on your own life.
    It pays to be a good person and tiny mustaches should be a thing.
    For additional weekly episodes join our Patreon!!
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    163: It's A Testicle Puzzle Mar 12, 2022
    Two mentally ill moms…
    Is Pata Fria retired?
    Crystal is still talking to strangers.
    New hair, who dis?
    Crystal needs to delete games off her phone.
    Hand me downs are great.
    Check out this week’s sponsors!
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    162: Galavanting Mar 04, 2022
    Pata Fria’s voice is returning.
    We’re still wearing masks.
    Depression is a stupid bitch.
    Don’t judge a book by it’s cover and beware of mountain lions in your backyard.
    Check out this week’s sponsor!
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    161: Kill Your Rapist Feb 25, 2022
    Excedrine is that girl.
    Don’t take our medical advice.
    iPhone “Share My Location” is not always accurate.
    Crystal gives great history lessons.
    Pray for Ukraine.
    We’ve been taught very contradictory rules.
    Always be open to learning and please leave us a review xo
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    160: CREAM Feb 18, 2022
    Trauma makes you funny.
    Where is Pata Fria’s period. We’re kids with kids and the Olympics are racist.
    We got really sweet valentines, Crystal got embarrassing singing from her mom.
    Check out this week’s sponsor!
    • DIPSEA
    Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!
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    159: Move Bitch Feb 11, 2022
    Crystal brought us in with a very 90s serenade.
    Love Day is upon us.
    Pata Fria got new lashes.
    Don’t break anyone’s heart.
    Chode vs mushroom
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    158: Air Fryer Cult Feb 06, 2022
    Crystal is singing again. We’re tired of paying bills. The groundhog saw his shadow. We’re not role models. Decriminalize drug use. Kill your local rapist.
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    157: Red Rocket Jan 28, 2022
    Botox time is always a joy.
    This is a luxury trailer community.
    New Year’s resolution for couples.
    Billionaires don’t need space toys.
    Check out this week’s sponsor!
    • DIPSEA
    Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!
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    If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.
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    156: Phantom Souls Jan 22, 2022
    Welcome to the smoking closet.
    Crystal has tough lungs and more unlocked memories. Don’t fake the funk. Pata Fria wants a spiked ring of ownership and McKenzie fights.
    Check out this week’s sponsor!
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    155: You Pissed On The Baby Jan 13, 2022
    Today’s episode is gross.
    There is no singing today.
    We’re definitely from the older generation, hygiene is being brought up AGAIN.
    Tweaker fights are the best.
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    154: I Have Good News Jan 06, 2022
    Everybody’s sick.
    We’re old. Crystal’s paranormal roommates have been ACTIVE. Try to stay on top of your meds and don’t be a cheater.
    Check out this week’s sponsors!
    • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO
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    Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!
    The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.
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    153: On God's Birthday Dec 30, 2021
    Last episode of the year; 2021 has not been kind. You can stop being friends without becoming enemies. CDC said go to work. Don’t buy your kids tattoo machines. The Damato kids are hilarious. Snow trips with no adults. Roses for Jesus.
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    152: AIDS Staples Dec 10, 2021
    We’re not starting a pet furniture line.
    They can’t all be good days.
    Crystal has been living on IG live.
    Treat yourself to an occasional visit from a housekeeper.
    Dog bites.
    Poor family outings.
    If you’d like to contribute to Billy’s celebration of life/Carolyn’s independent living expenses, please visit
    https://gofund.me/acc45cd6
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    151: It's a Pussy Wig Dec 03, 2021
    We’re so happy to be back.
    Don’t let anyone put you in a closet.
    Self love shouldn’t bother you.
    Sober sex is different!
    Tattoos are great.
    If you’d like to contribute to Billy’s celebration of life/Carolyn’s independent living expenses, please visit
    https://gofund.me/acc45cd6
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    150: Make Me a Marionette Nov 25, 2021
    We love you Billy.
    National Day of Mourning.
    Don’t learn to make greens on the internet.
    Autopsy tours should be a thing.
    Frankenstein has moved out.
    Hippos are living it up in Colombia.
    In honor of Billy we’re bringing back the holiday tee, details how to purchase are available on our ig page.
    If you’d like to contribute to Billy’s celebration of life/Carolyn’s independent living expenses, please visit
    https://gofund.me/acc45cd6
    ANY amount helps, even just a share is so greatly appreciated.
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    149: Ol' Trusty Red Nov 04, 2021
    We’re back after a rough couple weeks.
    Pata Fria has a plastic surgery addiction. Billy gave us a huge scare. Check in with your kids and take mental health as seriously as physical health. Don’t go slow in the fast lane and always shower before you get waxed.
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    • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO
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    148: Italian Instinct Oct 14, 2021
    It’s our 3 year anniversary week!!
    The new iPhone update might have a sneaky new feature. Bad service in a restaurant is really a mood killer and if Crystal wants your recipe she’ll track you down!
    Check out this week’s sponsors!
    • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO
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    147: I"m a Big Ass Trick Oct 07, 2021
    Retrograde is bringing them old thangs back, don’t raise our rent. Crystal is a cool mom and also a part time plumber. Trains vs threesomes and Pata Fria booked another surgery.
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    146: Why I Didn't Find One? Sep 30, 2021
    We’re back together again!
    Crystal is a sex queen. Bunny’s becoming a bit of a problem and please always wash your hands!
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    • Poshmark
    The seasons are changing, we’re ready to clean out our closets and grab some new items for fall!
    Poshmark is our favorite reseller app on the market. It’s super easy to set up a closet to sell your items for cash and browse thru thousands of gently used and brand nee items, some at 70% below retail.
    Right now Poshmark is extending a $10 discount to our listeners on your first purchase! Just use invite code dysfunction10 when you sign up! Invite code: dysfunction10
    • Hella Infused
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    145: You're Not To Be Trusted Sep 23, 2021
    Keep you head on a swivel, weirdos are out there. Raising sons isn’t always a great time. Pumpkin season is upon us and tiktok is great for life hacks.
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    Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!
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    144: May The Best Pussy Win Sep 19, 2021
    Please note, this is our first episode recorded separately due to covid. Our quality of sound may have been somewhat compromised.
    A few updates, a few write ins…everyone be safe and thank you for listening!
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    • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO
    • Poshmark
    The seasons are changing, we’re ready to clean out our closets and grab some new items for fall!
    Poshmark is the best reseller app on the market right now. It’s super easy to set up a closet to sell your items for cash and browse thru thousands of gently used and brand nee items at 70% below retail.
    Right now Poshmark is extending a $10 discount to our listeners on your first purchase! Just use invite code dysfunction10 when you sign up! Invite code: dysfunction10
    • Hella Infused
    High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.
    Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift and 20% off to our listeners. Shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.
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    143: Dumb, Dumber, And a Baby Sep 04, 2021
    Crystal Barbie wasn’t real, call her Crystal hot tits. Everyone needs to explode sometimes. HSP explains a lot. PeePee is doing much better, Natalia made everyone early valentines. Check the dates on all snacks always.
    Check out this week’s sponsors!
    • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO
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    Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!
    The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.
    If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.
    Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!
    Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction
    That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction
    • Hella Infused
    High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.
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    142: Let's Joust Aug 26, 2021
    Bunny had her first fight, Crystal ate some bad food, Pata Fria is loving store deliveries and curbside service. When was the last time you ran full speed? Stay your asses off the milk crates and race play kinks are unfortunately a thing.
    Check out this week’s sponsors!
    • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO
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    Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!
    The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.
    If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.
    Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!
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    141: Creamies Aug 22, 2021
    Happy Birthday Crystal, fussy babies and the first day of school. Don’t eat chocolate in the bed and does anyone know how long plan B lasts?
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    • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO
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    140: And I Wasn't On Drugs Aug 12, 2021
    Crystal got embarrassed at Alpha Beta and has ugly nails. Pata Fria is a lonely girl, but don’t marry your cousin or your child. Starbucks is really slackin so thank god for Orbit Coffee!
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    139: Meat Sweats Aug 05, 2021
    PMS is killing us. Was Crystal actually a southern woman in a past life? America’s eating habits are embarrassing. Don’t wait for the stink.
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    138: Hide Your Wieners Jul 29, 2021
    We’re still wearing masks, Pata Fria’s sex drive is on it’s way back and Crystal got her mouth clawed. Don’t poison your family, be passive aggressive or start fires with your gender reveals.
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    137: Beefy Mustache Jul 22, 2021
    We’re happy to be back, last week was eventful. Art show was a success, Crystal samples drinks before buying and Pata Fria is fixing her Marge. Please practice fire, covid and drug safety. Crystal has a connection to New Orleans and they love making themselves known.
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    136: Pull Those Leggings Down Jul 15, 2021
    Welcome to the news.
    PeePee is small and if you don’t have a medical clearance please make sure you’re at our art show. Pata Fria had a really vivid dream and beware of ticks! Door Dash has been a joke and Crystal’s phone is still x-rated.
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    135: Put It In My Dead Mouth Jul 08, 2021
    Happy Birthday Frida Kahlo. Leo the cat used one of his lives and vets are kinda like car salesman. The art show is next week so buy your tickets now! PeePee is a true intellectual. Some twins are EXTRA close and Crystal discovered an awful fetish.
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    134: Discount Code.. Hello Jul 01, 2021
    Crystal has boob sweat, Pata Fria’s back is broken. Pay attention to signs from the universe, love your friends while they’re here, Pata Fria is planning yet another surgery and Crystal loves 80s mullets.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    High On The Hog (Netflix)
    Outcry (Showtime)
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    133: Don't Judge Me, But... Jun 25, 2021
    There’s a cat in the room and it’s Bunny’s birthday!! Crystal had a Reno getaway, Pata Fria’s had a busy busy week. DNA testing, c-sections are serious, Crystal loves the Tootsie Roll.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    • 7 Deadly Sins (Showtime)
    • The Accused (Hulu)
    Check out this week’s sponsor!
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    132: Sharing The Dysfunction- feat. Judge Us Not Podcast Jun 17, 2021
    This week we tried something new and linked with the Judge Us Not podcast for some male perspective! We hope you enjoy!
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    131: She's A Lot Like The Caldecott Tunnel Jun 10, 2021
    Pray we aren’t getting sick, keep an eye on creepy teachers, technology is really changing lives. There’s now a huge free resource for sex workers, don’t defend your children’s wrongdoings. A genital anomaly, let’s all educate ourselves on gender and sexuality.
    This week’s tv recommendation is:
    • Gender Revolution: A Journey w Katie Couric (Disney +)
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    130: Let's Talk About My Tits Jun 03, 2021
    Crystal has dry socket, Pata Fria doesn’t have new brows but she does have new bras. Hackers are active on IG and we’re just constantly reminded how awful humans are. Don’t lie to AAA and don’t be afraid to ask where someone got their butt done.
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    129: I'm Sorry, Robyn May 27, 2021
    Crystal is a registered foster dog mom, Pata Fria had a really nice bday. Nothing ever goes smooth so just laugh.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    • Ultimate Warrior documentary (A&E)
    • The State of Texas vs Melissa (Hulu)
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    128: Thank You Jessica Simpson May 20, 2021
    Gemini season is upon us, don’t be outside with a dookie stain, urine therapy is not real and pregnancy fetish is pretty popular. Piercing is much worse the second time around, Crystal is still expanding her vocabulary and the human body is amazing.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    • Hoarders (Netflix)
    • Unhinged (Amazon)
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    127: He Bought Me These Pumps May 13, 2021
    Happy Mother’s Day, warm weather is upon us, Pata Fria is being responsible. Everybody doesn’t need kids, go thru your family’s texts, Crystal loves vibrating beds.
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    126: Parsley Pussy May 07, 2021
    A day late and a dollar short. Crystal is missing her foster puppy and Pata Fria had a rollercoaster of a week. Beware of ticks, scabies and Californians may have an accent.
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    125: Hood Foarder Apr 29, 2021
    Crystal has vertigo and a close relationship with AAA. Covid is still here, Rest In Peace CY. Pata Fria is liking her meds but being around people is still rough. Noise bothers you more when you get older, be careful with life coaches.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    • Insecure (HBO)
    • I Care A Lot (Netflix) again lol
    • The Family I Had (Amazon)
    • Exterminate All The Brutes (HBO)
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    124: Are You Dru Down? Apr 22, 2021
    We had some technical difficulties recording this episode, bear with us. Pata Fria is planning another surgery, Crystal had a run in with the cops. Bra shopping isn’t a good time and don’t hoard your Meals On Wheels containers!
    This weeks tv recommendations are:
    • 2020 (Hulu) The Chameleon and Tangled Web episodes
    • Them (Amazon prime)
    • The Lie (Amazon prime)
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    123: Liver Spotted Dick Apr 15, 2021
    Crystal’s favorite store is gone, Billy is at it again, don’t see clients in Discovery Bay and monitor your kid’s porn searches. Happy Birthday Mark and Pata Fria’s dreams are still outta control.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    Koncrete podcast’s YouTube episode featuring Mark Laita of Soft White Underbelly.
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    122: 2021 Women in Podcasting Apr 08, 2021
    April Fools, Easter and making sure everyone showers. Crystal is still betraying Pata Fria in her dreams and both are fully vaccinated. Don’t rush your happiness, 30s are when the REAL fun starts and we’ve never regretted breaking up with anyone.
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    121: Fuck You And Them Fish Apr 01, 2021
    The hot weather is not appreciated, Crystal is BACK in FB jail, Sharon Osbourne is shit, Chet Hanks is embarrassing. The universe is hella funny sometimes, spirits are acting up, let us keep our body parts and now we know how Natalia really feels.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    • Q: Into The Storm (HBO)
    • Seaspiracy (Netflix)
    • Beauties of The Night (Netflix)
    • Tina (HBO)
    • The Shining (HBO)
    This week’s podcast recommendations are:
    • Radical Musings with Rosanna Arquette!
    Check out this week’s sponsors! • CD Universe
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    120: Side Boob & Stained Holes Mar 25, 2021
    Crystal nearly dislocated her shoulder, Pata Fria’s dysfunctional trip to the snow, Billy loves Elvis, onlygrans, watch your mouth on the phone and keep it cute on clubhouse.
    This week’s podcast recommendations are:
    • Radical Musings with Rosanna Arquette!
    • Sword and Scale episodes 177, 178, and 180.
    Check out this week’s sponsors!
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    119: Peeing is OK Mar 18, 2021
    Nostalgic cravings, an old dumb monarchy, there’s always gold in the comments. Sharon Osbourne is gross, we love positive examples of sex workers, virginity is a societal construct.
    This week’s podcast recommendation is Radical Musings with Rosanna Arquette!
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    118: Silly Goose Mar 11, 2021
    Crystal is emotional, Pata Fria is not Italian. Stretch your butthole. Post our dead pics. How to hire a hooker and mosquito-eaters are harmless.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    •Meghan Harry Oprah interview (PBS)
    • Bliss (Prime)
    • Biggie doc (Netflix)
    •Pretend It’s A City (Netflix)
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    117: Dry Gas Mar 04, 2021
    Crystal got her final vaccine, Pata Fria has gerd. Don't have power trips while driving and be very careful using uber and lyft. Cute puppies, perform a random act of kindness, stalkers are no fun and some unfortunate news stories.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    I Care A Lot (Netflix)
    Buried by the Bernards (Netflix)
    Canine Intervention (Netflix)
    Allen v. Farrow (HBO Max)
    The number for covid testing in your area:
    1-888-634-1123
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    116: Who is The Real Throat Goat Feb 18, 2021
    We’re entering the world of video. Crystal’s cat has fallen in love. Acid reflux feels like death is near. There’s a teen missing from Richmond. Cleaning your eyelash extensions is a must. Is there really a such thing as “just friends”? And nevermind the expiration dates.
    This weeks tv recommendations are:
    Soft White Underbelly: “Faith” episode (YouTube)
    Judas and The Black Messiah (HBO)
    War Dogs (Netflix)
    Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel (Netflix)
    The number for covid testing in your area:
    1-888-634-1123
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    115: Jacket And Shoes With No Pants On Feb 11, 2021
    Disrespectful dreams. Carolyn gets a haircut. What do you want to be when you grow up? The truth from Doug. Wishing Tessica the best. Sex work really is empowering and witchcraft won the Super Bowl.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    Jersey Shore
    Season 3 of The Sinner
    The number for covid testing in your area:
    1-888-634-1123
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    114: Trigger Warning Feb 04, 2021
    It’s been a really dysfunctional week.
    The original is always better than a copy. There’s been a horrible local murder. Awkward parenting moments, the disgusting wealth gap and some great listener write ins.
    This week’s book recommendation is:
    How To Talk To Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere by Larry King
    The number for covid testing in your area:
    1-888-634-1123
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    113: “Most Valuble Playa” Jan 28, 2021
    It’s raining it’s pouring, Crystal got the vaccine and is in Facebook jail, AGAIN! Constipated babies, postpartum hair loss and Pata Fria might not be asexual after all. Eskimo sisters, don’t tattoo animals and stay out of ppl’s trash!
    This week’s tv recommendation is:
    Tell Me Who I Am (Netflix)
    The number for covid testing in your area:
    1-888-634-1123
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    • Syma’s Persian and Mexican Grill
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    112: Find My Balls Jan 21, 2021
    Crystal blows a nervous kiss, we reintroduce ourselves and Pata Fria’s mom hates green. Michigan is taking steps in the right direction, aggressive hippos are throwing off ecosystems and don’t get braces at anyone’s home.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    Night Stalker (Netflix)
    Unforgotten: 25yrs after Willowbrook (tubi)
    An American Crime (tubi)
    Hard Candy (tubi)
    Book recommendations:
    A Child Called “It”
    The number for covid testing in your area:
    1-888-634-1123
    Check out this week’s sponsors!
    • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO
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    111: Wait, Look At My Socks Jan 14, 2021
    Crystal thought she had Covid. Coffee is just a blindfold. Take care of your credit and cheese is more addicting than crack. Vaping isn’t safer than cigs and please don’t call our phones or do emergency break-thrus.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    Dear Mr. Gacy (on Tubi)
    Surviving Death (Netflix)
    The number for covid testing in your area:
    1-888-634-1123
    Check out this week’s sponsor!
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    110: Never Having Sex With You Again Jan 07, 2021
    Covid is acting a fool, protect your toes! Carolyn takes a fall, grieving is tough, are you being accountable for your own actions? Celebrities and their spouses being frauds, don’t stay with anyone that doesn’t clean themselves and some tardy Happy Birthdays!
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    The Minimalists (Netflix)
    The Wittman’s (ID Chanel)
    Obsession: Dark Desires (Hulu)
    Check out our sponsors!
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    109: Sex Shouldn't Hurt Others Dec 31, 2020
    2020 is trying to kill Pata Fria. Always practice fire safety. Having kids later in life might be the way to go and Pee Pee is very spiritual. Wipe your devices before gifting them. Don’t touch hot things. Tinder for corpses is unfortunately not a thing, but do you know a serial killer? Some listener questions and lots of laughs.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    Songbird
    Nekromantik
    Diagnosis
    I’m your woman
    and Soul.
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    108: E-40 Raised Me Dec 24, 2020
    It’s been a rough week. The vaccine is here, register your sons for a draft?? Some breaking news in really old cases, and the best verzuz yet. Take care of your mental health, some funny work stories and cool things to watch.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    Alabama Snake Murder on Middle Beach The BeeGees doc On The Record The Surgeon’s Cut Room 1028
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    107: I Choose Violence Dec 10, 2020
    Don’t eat the McRib. Kids say the darndest things. Pata Fria chose comfort, LOCK UP YOUR GUNS, now isn’t the time to travel and beware of secret envy.
    This week’s tv recommendation is The Occupant on Netflix.
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    106: Dessert Eggs Dec 04, 2020
    It’s been a CRAZY week. Irish cream is back, our families aren’t doing well, the covid vaccine is coming. Let’s read more books, weird new citizenship requirements, listener questions and cool things to watch while inside.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    Hillbilly Elegy
    The Kindergarten Teacher
    Kennedy Assassination doc
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    105: Beautiful Nov 26, 2020
    Xmas is here, let the decorating begin!
    Covid scares, crazy soup and a platform shoe. Astral projection, helping our communities and cold raviolis.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    The Art of Racing In The Rain
    Game of Thrones
    and Antebellum
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    104: And Altso Nov 19, 2020
    Rainy days, xmas decorations and cat capes. Independent women jumping batteries, covid is acting up again, don’t be materialistic.
    Discrimination, mental health talk and tons of listener write ins!!
    Enjoy
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    103: Vocal Dancing Nov 13, 2020
    New car, new president, cold weather and the holidays are now upon us. A really uncomfortable revelation and tons of great listener write ins!
    This weeks tv recommendations are:
    I Was A Child Bride ; The Untold Story (hulu)
    The Queen’s Gambit (netflix)
    Frank Sinatra doc (netflix)
    A Teacher (hulu)
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    102: Bisexual Criminal Nov 05, 2020
    It’s election day and we’re stressed. Halloween, nightmares and menopause. Mysterious medical records, men hitting women, dark humor and managing anger.
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    101: We're Barbers Oct 29, 2020
    Menopause, haircuts and skywriting. Don’t bully your kids, watch out for pipe bombs and always check the walls. Interesting groups, childhood weirdness, we got it all.
    PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU VOTE!!!
    This week’s tv recommendations are: Borat Subsequent Moviefilm and revisiting Nurse Jackie.
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    Don’t forget to subscribe/rate/review xoxo
    100: You Better Not Suck It Oct 22, 2020
    It’s our 100th episode!!
    Please make sure you vote like your life depends on it, if you find money keep it, can we lean more towards home remedies?
    Cleaning house and plant studies, keep an eye out for all things spooky.
    Tv recommendations for this week are:
    Endless, Beautiful Boy and Lovecraft Country.
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    99: Save The Mexican Pizza Oct 15, 2020
    Post office drama, phone overboard, trigger warnings are important and what is the electoral vote! Raccoon babies have arrived, catfish is staged, Saturday is World Mental Health Day.
    This week’s tv recommendations are:
    Waves
    I Met The Devil
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    98: Mrs. Buttersworth Oct 08, 2020
    Beware of guitar picks, Dottie is happy, baby and Carolyn are getting sassy. Halloween is cancelled, PLEASE make sure you vote.
    *Trigger warning: domestic abuse is discussed*
    This week’s tv recommendations are American Murder: The Family Next Door, The Eddy, and The Getaway.
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    97: Don’t Scream In The Bank Oct 01, 2020
    We’re back!
    Hospital nightmares, no skin checks, vaginas do bleach panties. Monitor your kid’s zoom messages and don’t scream in the bank. Ratched is this week’s tv recommendation.
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    96: Nose Stink Sep 17, 2020
    Our new baby is here!!
    The rough ride is finally over, Crystal is healing with a frustrating new side effect, please wash yourself thoroughly before receiving a service. We can’t hang out with problematic celebrities and as a rule, let’s continue learning and becoming a better you every year.
    Queen & Slim is this week’s tv recommendation.
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    95: Can You Even Fit Your Fingers In There? Sep 10, 2020
    Today’s the big day!
    Taco Bell KEEPS breaking our heart, Crystal is experiencing some interesting nasal changes, we share secrets on this podcast. Celebrity disappointments, the fires are consuming A LOT, please don’t ejaculate your pets.
    This week’s tv recommendations are The King of Staten Island and Married At First Sight.
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    94: Poop Knife Sep 03, 2020
    Crystal updates us on her surgery while Pata Fria prepares for hers. Family drama, lots of bullsh*tting on OF, an injured testicle. A funny work story, a listener write-in, and you’ll never look at butter knives the same.
    This week’s tv recommendations are In The Dark, 1BR, Married At First Sight, Steel Magnolias and Fried Green Tomatoes.
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    93: Vaginal Preservation Aug 27, 2020
    Crystal is nervous about surgery and guys are really gross. Our air quality is awful and depression is on the rise. Kittens are available! vaginas weren't made for men and please use extreme care when introducing step-parents into your family. I May Destroy You, Perry Mason and The Rain are this week's tv suggestions. Stay safe and don't forget to subscribe!
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    92: I'm A Receipt Keeping Bitch Aug 20, 2020
    This week we’re celebrating Crystal’s birthday, playing matchmaker and calling out bullshit. Unexpected places to blow off steam, listener write-ins and probably the worst birthing story you’ve ever heard. Stay cool, stay safe and subscribe xo
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    91: Ghosts Are Assholes Aug 14, 2020
    Waking up to some bad news, Crystal is Snow White in her dreams and don't ever question what someone else is purchasing. Fruit cocktail is tied to some uncomfortable memories, new paranormal things are happening and micro penises are more common than you think.
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    90: The Spence Stinkies Aug 06, 2020
    Crystal is dressed like The Ultimate Warrior, Pata Fria is having contractions. Wear clean underwear for your medical procedures. Don’t have strangers text your kids, if you want Dottie or Crystal’s attention use cheese. Pregnancy really causes some unexpected surprises and body modifications have reached shocking new levels.
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    89: Maybe Don’t Eat Canned Meat Jul 30, 2020
    Welcome back...some babies have arrived, court went well, cats cast spells, watch out for things sucking your feet! Check expiration dates everywhere, don’t joke about anyone’s trauma, utilize social media now more than ever and bring back products from the 80s!
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    88: Speaking Of Heavy Meats Jul 23, 2020
    We’re back with a bang and good news from our doctors! Crystal had a long visit inside a small chamber, spiders can’t be trusted, keep your kids close but give your doggies some space. Try new meats and always be aware of your surroundings. Some difficult news and code switching isn’t a good thing after all. Are re-born dolls doing more harm than good?
    Enjoy xo
    87: Kevin Is Famous Jul 16, 2020
    California is shut back down, we might lose the Oakland zoo, Crystal and Kevin made the news! Stop following problematic artists, Oklahoma natives are owed some rent and some listener write-ins are discussed.
    Wear a mask, people.
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    86: You Go Fight At Cheese Park Jul 09, 2020
    Happy Birthday Frida Kahlo. Fires, no sleep, bubonic plague and firecrackers. Racists exposing themselves, a sad election and a couple fights. Always put your own well being first and get out of your comfort zone.
    Enjoy xo.
    85: Just Leave Him Jul 02, 2020
    Busy busy week learning new technology. Crystal’s been diffusing family drama and Pata Fria is stressed from not working. Covid is alive and well and it looks like we’ll be charged for treatments after all. Headlines are usually lies and communication is always key.
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    84: Always Wipe The Pee Off Jun 25, 2020
    Happy Juneteenth/Father’s Day/Birthday! The ghost is picking on Dottie, Corona is alive and well, please rinse your damn dishes and everyone needs to wipe. Natalia is at it again, we have some really awesome listeners. No family towels and the ground is still lava.
    Enjoy xo
    83: Crest With Sparkles Jun 18, 2020
    Family drama, celebrities in trouble, a heart attack scare. Police are being erased from tv, company branding is getting a much needed makeover and a few businesses that won’t survive the pandemic. Some day to day objects that can be surprisingly useful, don’t sell content that isn’t yours! And now’s a great time to explore some online dating.
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    82: She Ate The Carpet Jun 10, 2020
    We’re back after a break, discussing some of what’s going on in the world. The importance of always speaking up, in the RIGHT way. Problematic family members don’t get a pass. Including Dottie. Crystal has once again expanded her squad. The Bay Area is slowly opening back up and never underestimate the value of good customer service.
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    81: Bitch, She's On TikTok May 28, 2020
    It’s been a long hot week and we’re still under quarantine. Sometimes “friends” can be weird. Please practice some online etiquette, Crystal is now offering legal advice and lending out her purse. Pata Fria’s houseguest is showing off and Carolyn is acting out. Weird news, cool things to watch and stand up for our black brothers and sisters or be exiled, it’s not a choice. Enjoy xo.
    *If you or someone you know needs to be tested for Covid-19 please call 1-888-634-1123
    80: Is Lucy Missing Money? May 20, 2020
    Happy Birthday Malcolm X and Pata Fria. Dottie is on her way out, a new animal is on the scene and pelvic pain is the worst. Find out if Crystal is under investigation and don’t let missing fingers and toes be a deal breaker.
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    79: My Tits Were My Best Personality Trait May 14, 2020
    We're back again wishing Stevie Wonder and Dottie a happy birthday. Crystal's animal rescue foundation has re-homed all the kittens as she continues work as a full-time contractor. We share some tips on how not to train your dog, and get ready for bell bottoms because they're back. A little frustrating celebrity news and some tv recommendations.
    We hope you enjoy xo
    78: Your Butthole Is Not For Vengeance May 06, 2020
    We're back from a break because let's face it, sometimes life takes over. Cinco de Mayo is for drinking, we visit lots of weird news, and why were all grandparents so beautiful? Some parenting talk, new film and book recommendations and keep Crisco out of your god damn cookies. Enjoy.
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    77: Hit It With Something Wet Apr 22, 2020
    Our brains are getting bored and we’re all dreamers. Home school is stressful. Health over capitalism. Must see show/film recommendations. Frankenstein is freezing and it’s a shitty time for a money scam. Crystal takes us down a dark path about cleanliness and if you don’t want to barter w your landlord don't ruin it for everyone else.
    Enjoy.
    76: Mom’s New Sex Toy Apr 16, 2020
    Same old shit, different day. Crystal and Pata Fria handled a joint dog catching assignment. Happy Birthday to Crystal’s mom Charlene. Pata Fria is doing a new form of charity work. Don’t expect Crystal to change her cleaning routine. Be careful how you speak to/in front of your kids. No show can really top The Office and Trump is ready to colonize other planets.
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    75: Sobriety Swim Test Apr 09, 2020
    Lonely days, disturbing dreams, some family dysfunction, sassy tones and lots of tv
    xo
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    74: I LOVE sex Apr 03, 2020
    Keeping in touch with you guys during the social distancing. This week we discuss lucid dreams, a new baby, ridiculous dads, investigating your partner, tiger king and the inability to get motivated lately may not be your fault...
    73: Keep Cats Out Of Your Ludes Mar 26, 2020
    Week 2 of quarantine is upon us, some ideas for making use of your time at home, companies extending some free offers to the community, don’t let johns take advantage. Crystal is back to normal and discovered an interesting new way to show off your pets.
    Enjoy xo
    72: Pistol Whipping Mar 18, 2020
    Corona Virus is bullying us all, book vs film. Don’t get scammed on the internet, penis injections are a thing and Pata Fria has added a new service to her menu. Stay calm and safe in the house... We’re all in this together.
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    71: That Time I Had Anal Warts Mar 12, 2020
    This week Crystal is starting a water challenge while growing closer to her adopted raccoon. Pata Fria revisits the importance of credit and making money on social media. Porn Hub is in hot water, celebrity sex offenders receive some justice and the corona virus might be scarier than we thought.
    Enjoy xo
    70: Just remove the walnut from your butth*le Mar 04, 2020
    Mercury is in retrograde and everyone is feeling it. Don’t worry about the Corona virus, strange news, ppl are cat fishing and women’s bodies really have it rough.
    Enjoy xo.
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    69: Sex Splits Feb 26, 2020
    Financial literacy is important as are cameras surrounding your house. Dog bites suck, 90s beauty products were great and Pata Fria made Crystal litter. Do a credit check on your future partners and don’t ask how much someone paid for their kids.
    Enjoy xo
    68: Wiener Rescue Feb 19, 2020
    Ep.68. V Day recap, it’s time to restructure The Bakers Act, we love dating shows and Robert Lee Noye is a hero. Domestic violence is serious, don’t bomb the wrong house, you can tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to. Enjoy xo
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    67: Stop Skipping All The Good Parts Feb 13, 2020
    Crystals cat is acting like Pata Fria, assume everyone has home surveillance, keep your pets out of your webcam scenes and always support those that support you. Valentine’s tees are a huge hit, no more butter before bed and radio dedications are signs of a good friend.
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    66: Drink The Power Feb 05, 2020
    Crystal saves a cat through osmosis, Pata Fria ponders getting a shock collar for Dottie. Water your hot pockets and wash your ass. Some fun fan questions, a Dom story with a pro golfer and Crystal’ s early wrestling career.
    65: PERTENTIAL DANGERS Jan 30, 2020
    The weekend recap, family drama, McDonald’s soda secrets, pass on the Grammy’s, be on time aka early, practice code switching and let’s all be smart with our money.
    Enjoy xo
    64: Give Me ALL The Sperm Jan 22, 2020
    IKEA sucks, Crystal hates January. Pata Fria searches for a dead body and dentures are really common. Read a book, watch the Aaron Hernandez doc and don’t wear nazi costumes.
    Enjoy xo www.Instagram.com/Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction www.Twitter.com/dysfunctionShow
    63: Are You Leaking? Jan 15, 2020
    Crystal has another sinus infection and Pata Fria’s energy bill has skyrocketed. We need multiple streams of income so try everything, even singing about cats. Don’t shame people for working regular jobs, don’t be a house pirate. Donate your organs and check your pets for wetness.
    Enjoy xo
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    62: Intimate Parts Jan 09, 2020
    The first episode of 2020 is here with more vagina talk, explore the possibilities of lube, teach your kids to properly prank each other, never trust a leather kilt, follow the rules of the internet, keep your brains hydrated, some interesting beauty procedures and ear maintenance
    Enjoy xo
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    61: What’s Your Dirty White Secret? Dec 31, 2019
    It’s the end of a decade and this week we have the amazing Lil Debbie joining us. Holiday recap, tips on successful gift giving, cats are thieves, New Years traditions from around the globe, don’t cheat during monopoly, baby jousting, and our favorite white trash delicacies.
    Happy New Year!!
    60: Tammy’s Getting Spanked Dec 19, 2019
    Crazy Xmas shopping and delivery delays, Crystal celebrates 14yrs w Mark, internet matchmaking, did Pata Fria finally cure her rash, cancel culture, trust your intuition, delicate familial subjects, save your skin after you die, and did a sweat shop make your outfit?
    Enjoy
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    59: F*CK FRED Dec 12, 2019
    Rainy days, kids know when you’re gay, celebrity tension, ‘tis the season for kindness, culture vultures, Crystal’s Animal Rescue is still in business, don’t share contact lenses and be nice to strangers that text you.
    Enjoy xo
    58: DON’T SPIT START IT Dec 04, 2019
    Live show recap, Billy was a joy, Apple is glitching our phones, kids shouldn’t give haircuts, foreplay is mandatory, possible potato crisis, signing up for Better Help, listener questions, I probably won’t let an animal get raped.
    Enjoy xo
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    57: 15 Dogs Are Missing Nov 27, 2019
    Vacation observations, don’t take your dog’s pills, poop forensics, respect other laws and cultures while visiting abroad, T.I. is still gross, Bezos’ latest donation, and don’t use my good paper towels.
    Enjoy xo
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    56: “Two Live Crew” Nov 20, 2019
    Happy Anniversary. This week’s episode was recorded live before a studio audience. Crystal revisits a childhood kidnapping. Would you paint your son’s nails? Don’t lock your customers inside the store. Shameful OCD subtypes. Men definitely fake orgasms.
    55: Post More Pics of Your Ass Nov 13, 2019
    It’s National Kindness Day, is Rodney Reed a serial rapist? Dottie is leaking clear sh*t, there‘s actually a narcissism spectrum, don’t check anyone’s hymen and stop wasting paper towels.
    XO
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    54: I Better Not Be Burnt Nov 06, 2019
    This week the girls periods are syncing in studio 54 with a Halloween recap, no one wants to get drunk and go to bed alone, an absent speculum, always check your tires, strange news and the first round of attendees drawn!
    Enjoy xo
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    53: 11 Dicks Oct 30, 2019
    Don’t trust Crystal with your Mexican drug operation, the Bay Area has been going thru it, tell your callers when they’re on speakerphone, Kanye does gospel, the universe is being weird, Always removed a logo no one really cares about, don’t be racist for Halloween
    Enjoy xo
    52: Don’t Call It A Pee Pee Oct 23, 2019
    Cringy words, Crystal has another damn cat, prepare your kids for sticky situations, yoni pearls, blood diapers, the joker, trauma makes you great and a few listener questions.
    Enjoy xo
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    51: Your Mom Is Not A Drug Dealer Oct 10, 2019
    Kids are difficult, tell your car you love it, the Joker hits home, planned electricity suspension scare, Pata Fria was in a low speed chase with the cops and lots of listener questions
    Enjoy xo
    50: There IS a limit to a mother’s love Oct 03, 2019
    The joys of getting old, Pata Fria is still a practicing doctor, true love of true crime, Amber Guyger is guilty, read more books and parenting woes.
    Enjoy xo
    49: All I Can Think Of Is John Travolta Sep 24, 2019
    Typical post break up transformation, Crystal got some new wheels, stranger’s awkward convos, everything is linked to parenting, unusual attractions and white privilege Enjoy.
    48: Double D Donyah Sep 17, 2019
    Pata Fria’s been getting artsy, Crystal is still car shopping, dreams and your memory are married, tarot readings coming soon, and don’t support shitty celebrities. Enjoy.
    47: Ancestry is NOT for sex Sep 11, 2019
    Maria tried to scam Crystal, babies don’t have kneecaps, big fondue plans and an interesting “what if”... Enjoy
    46: I Got Played Sep 06, 2019
    Episode 46 “I Got Played”
    This week the girls return with some fun and not so fun announcements. Pata Fria is a newly single Grandma, Dottie is adjusting nicely, Crystal is collecting formal gowns for a great cause, Keto is scary and some listener questions are answered.
    Enjoy.
    45: Pilots Be Drunk Aug 29, 2019
    This week the girls are back with lots of talk about Hawaii and the introduction of Dottie. Getting old sucks, weird dreams and lots of listener questions.
    Enjoy.
    44: Interracial Gangbang Aug 13, 2019
    Episode 44 starts off with Pata Fria manifesting a new pet and sharing her latest reading, unapproachable soccer moms, school shopping is a drag, the truly dark side of being an empath, drifting off your meds, dysfunctional event planning and don't get in trouble at work!
    43: Stay Away From Andy Aug 06, 2019
    This week is episode 43 and the girls discuss some unfortunate events. Always check your drivers license for fine print, brace yourself before entering the post office, download a vpn before watching snuff, and real friends make radio dedications.
    Enjoy xo.
    42: God is a Dom Jul 30, 2019
    This episode focuses on a few odd subjects. Crystal's grandfather's feature in a book, don't lose yourself in a relationship, is the zodiac international, the rapture is all a big set up, don't give the internet your info, and do let your friends teach you sexual acts.
    Enjoy.
    41: They're Definitely Neighbors Jul 23, 2019
    Episode 41 starts off with a LA vacation recap, Crystal makes a medical discovery, gentrification woes, movie suggestions, animal tales, kids say the darnedest things, loving all things gross, and a very creepy murder
    Enjoy xo
    40: No New Friends Jul 18, 2019
    Episode 40 is back at you with an announcement of the new Facebook group "Hello Dysfunction, the meetup", hot girl summer with golden girl knees, how this show was born, Pata Fria reunites w her dad, Crystal needs to lock her doors, don't flirt with your son and boobs are sex toys.
    Enjoy xo
    39: "I think Finnish people are cool" Jul 09, 2019
    Episode 39 is here after a week off...the girls describe their new room, another example why humans suck, some celebrity news, food made from science and some beauty tips
    Enjoy.
    38: Hittin Switches Jun 26, 2019
    Episode 38 kicks off with a birthday recap, grandma's having company, don't spoil your kids, bad hygiene is rude, our deplorable government, Reebok pumps and some interesting Q&A
    Enjoy.
    37: Piss over ice Jun 18, 2019
    Episode 37 is here with some hippie hacks, trouble the kids have been into, Crystal’s grandfather is worse than we imagined, unknown neighborhood names, why it’s not always good to refer ppl, and Crystal reveals a shocking secret.
    36: My Whole Life Is A Lie Jun 11, 2019
    Pata Fria reveals a family secret, Crystal has a pleasant surprise while shopping, some film suggestions, what the bedroom is really for, Crystal loves talking to strangers and Pata Fria hates the heat. Enjoy Episode 36.
    35: Wet n Wild 508 Jun 04, 2019
    Pata Fria can’t cry and has tattoo blisters, Crystal has an animal rescue foundation in her home, some mom talk and how to get fly in the 90’s. Enjoy.
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    34: Ancestry Is Messy May 30, 2019
    Episode 34 is here with a birthday recap, some dark family secrets, a medication update, what not to do in the post office, intuition vs anxiety and Crystal rescued more f*cking cats. Enjoy.
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    33: "I Murdered Alicia Keys" May 21, 2019

    Episode 33 kicks off with a recap of Crystal's hectic week, a ghost joined the Dom session, weird sex laws, uncomfortable dreams and more. Enjoy.

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    32: DAD, DON'T COME IN May 14, 2019

    The ladies return for episode 32 with a Mother's Day recap, the importance of being polite, some interesting news, technology is out of control, hygiene nightmares and a work story that involved some of moms miscellaneous items. Enjoy.

    The Yee Yee Girls (bonus Episode) May 09, 2019

    A Bonus Episode of Hello Dysfunction with Guest hosts the "Yee Yee

    girls"

    31: Discussing Douches w Strangers May 06, 2019

    Episode 31: After a brief hiatus the podcast returns with some dysfunctional family stories, the normalcy of anilingus, bad experiences w cops, a phallic playground, bloody cocktails and lots of listener questions

    Enjoy xo

    30: Don't Masturbate To Death Apr 23, 2019

    Episode 30 shows up with a bang. Literally. Some talk about how much April sucks, vaginal steaming bars, Crystal's new auntie tribe and the importance of tipping. Dont ask flight crews to do your dirty deeds, queens and princesses, overbearing moms and how Pata Fria's been spending her free time.

    Enjoy xo

    29: I Like To Get Stretched Apr 16, 2019

    After an interesting weekend
    episode 29 covers it all. Pata Fria had a panic, Crystal Barbie and family keep things interesting. Some info and details about kink life, sugar daddies are just older boyfriends, a few celebrity news stories, Planet Fitness does dirty biz, press on nails and listener questions.

    Enjoy xo

    28: Funerals Should Be Funny Apr 08, 2019

    This week a lot of subjects are covered. White privilege is definitely real, Pata Fria made it to Detroit, Crystal does a good deed, pay attention to signs the universe is sending you, put the car in park before you get out, unfortunate news, Fisting is popular, and loads of listener questions.

    27: YOU WEAR FAKE TOES?? Apr 01, 2019

    Episode 27 is full of random subjects and theories...we revisit chem trails, the effect hairstyles can have on a person, STRONG animal love, sex workers tend to steal, Crystal doesn't eat food or wear panties, Pata Fria completely misunderstood an eBay ad, the latest MJ accusers might be some damn liars, be a good friend or you're outta here, keeping your relationship hiccups within your relationship, and RIP NIPSEY HUSSLE 🙏

    26: I Hate Babies Mar 27, 2019

    It’s dysfunction as usual this week with another ER visit, soccer startup, Crystal’s new shoes and Pata Fria’s “recovery” to name a few.
    Abortion, some recent news, the importance of transparency and interesting bodily facts are also discussed. Listener questions and a few “would you rathers” are included to finish you off.
    Enjoy xo

    25: Would You F*ck My Dead Body? Mar 19, 2019

    This week is episode 25 and the dysfunction continues with an array of interesting subjects. Some advice is offered to their younger selves, astronauts get a lot of herpes, some women really love dick pics, the French appreciate gross smells, can you really be yourself? and much more.

    Enjoy, xo

    24: Would You Rather... Mar 12, 2019

    This week episode 24 begins with some feelings about the weather, how we're not anti-pimp and calling men a bitch is a universal no no. Stevi handles business, strip club etiquette and a little talk about Michael Jackson is discussed. More paranormal activity, is makeup catfishing and some awesome listener questions are answered. Mostly.
    *Our views are our own and not always agreed upon lol...

    enjoy xo

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    23: My Penis Was Crying Your Name Mar 05, 2019

    This week’s episode begins with dreams, and spirt communication, discussion of the new MJ documentary, and Billy’s trip to Target for tampons. The ladies also share some info on interesting sex facts, Dubai showers, a begging Bay Area news anchor, and a hypothetical kidnapping. As always, enjoy.

    22: Who Thought This Was A Good Idea Feb 27, 2019

    This week we tried something new and had our producer Lev sit in. He won't be back.

    Enjoy xo

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    21: Stop Petting The Cat and Finish Feb 19, 2019

    This week opens up with a Valentine's Day recap, some parental stress and a warning about Love Potion. Weird news, a 3D printable death chamber and interesting poop preferences are also shared. Some listener questions are answered followed by a disturbing dirty client story.

    Enjoy xo

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    20: Two for Twomp Feb 12, 2019

    This week starts off w some celebrity drama, blackface fashion becoming an intentional trend, it's Black History Month, grey sweats are for bachelors only, pathological liars, Pata shares an unfortunate incident (trigger warning: a sexual assault is discussed), ending with a little porch surgery among friends.

    Enjoy xo

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    19: Everything Is Gay Feb 05, 2019

    This week there's some talk about problematic celebrities, the beginning of Black History Month, our shitty government, how the internet really can be great, interesting animal facts, listener questions and a story about bikers undoing their pants.

    Enjoy xo

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    18: Foreskin & Pepper Spray Jan 29, 2019

    This week's discussion includes circumcision, pubic hair preferences, parental enablers, the new abortion law, birth control tips, war on sex workers, views on Future and Chris Brown, how to avoid being roofied, and why you should always double check your teeth before going to a dentist appointment.

    As always, enjoy.

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    17: Are You International? Jan 22, 2019

    This week's episode wishes a happy birthday to MLK, touches on some current political dysfunction, the raising of older kids, the effects of drugs and mental illness on a family. Crystal's unhealthy ice cream addiction and bizarre eating habits, pledge to only steal from big corporations, listeners questions, a couple sleep walking stories and book yourself a Dom TKO ;)

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    16: So Fuckin Majestic Jan 15, 2019

    The following are Rob's guy notes:

    1. Range rover white girl curves

    2. Pata watched netflix and been on her meds

    3. Back page and cryptocurrency

    4. Minimalism

    5. Documentary disagreements

    6. Sexworkers

    7. Good karma moments

    8. Government fuck ups

    9. Face advice

    10. Golden showers and rough sex

    11. Billy's tomatoes weed plants got busted

    12. Pata family crack

    rate us on iTunes

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    15: Stay Outta The Creek Jan 09, 2019

    Dog rescues, R. Kelly's bullshit, disturbing childhood stories, bullying, some parenting tips, and dirty creek rendezvous.

    Trigger warning- sexual assault, grooming and other sensitive issues are discussed.

    https://hellodysfunction.com

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    14: God's Well Jan 01, 2019

    It's New Year's Eve and in this final episode of 2018, Pata Fria and Crystal discuss the new year, white parents w mixed children, repairing your credit, being a submissive Christian wife, how Pata Fria got scammed on craigslist and having foul-mouthed children.

    Have a safe and happy new year. Don't drive drunk.

    https://hellodysfunction.com

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    13: "Cheese Sandwiches" Dec 25, 2018

    This week the chaos of Christmas, vintage tips on how to snag a husband, Karma and a false birth control method are all discussed. Crystal shares some family dysfunction and we find out why you shouldn't tell Pata Fria you own a restaurant. Happy Holidays xo

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    12: The Playboy Club Dec 18, 2018

    Mental health, toxic relationship behavior, and why Crystal should never enter a church kick off this week's episode. The girls also talk about period sex, shitty celebrities, pervy friends, and Pata Fria's love of shock sites. The holidays, childhood snitching, and good ol' Florida also make an appearance this episode.

    As always, enjoy.

    PS- Pata Fria is still NOT a doctor.

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    11: Gramma's Heart Attack Dec 11, 2018

    This week the dysfunction gets a bit serious. The girls are discussing kaiser's strike, losing virginity, relationship advice, holding grudges, a few very personal stories, and more crying (what's new). Of course the mood is lightened with some of Pata Fria's childhood antics, nail shop preferences, and gramma's "heart attack."

    This episode does require a trigger warning, as sexual assault is discussed.

    As always, enjoy.

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    10: Parental Advisory Dec 04, 2018

    This week the dysfunctional duo are offering up parental advice of all sorts. From the Hawaiian Pine-sol event, apologizing to your children, walking the parent/friend line, and teaching your children gratitude. The girls also touch on dick pics, "porn vs. dom" reality, and as always, listener questions. Enjoy. 💦

    Get your holiday t-shirt pack at https://hellodysfunction.com

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    9: Weird Sex Nov 28, 2018

    The holidays are here, and so is the dysfunction. This week the duo are talking about weird news, the online attack on sex-workers, favorite porn, a mirror ghost, and penis size. The girls close out with some listener questions, crazy sex, and a few funny stories. As always, enjoy.

    T-shirt holiday packs available at https://hellodysfunction.com

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    8: Curing Rickets Nov 20, 2018

    Crystal’s father Big Billy is here and the dysfunction is outta control. "I didn't do drugs before I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, I just smoked pot, did acid and rode my motorcycle." Buckle up motherf$^#*s….

    Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com

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    7: I'm A Doctor Nov 12, 2018

    From chemtrails, to California fires, to Pata Fria's burn unit vagina story, this week the girls are on fire, literally. The duo also goes over premature ejaculation, tampons vs. diva cups, racism, and a ghost story. This episode is packed with self-love, and of course some more crying, lol. As always, enjoy..

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    6: Gas Station Salad & Dirty Sanchez Nov 06, 2018

    The dysfunctional duo is back, and unapologetically unfiltered while discussing sex dolls, g-spot location, open marriages, liars, and prison relationships. They are breaking it down and dissecting so listen up.

    Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com

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    5: The Stolen Car Oct 30, 2018

    It's episode five, and the dysfunction continues. This week the girls are talking about adults that don't do oral, scissoring, pegging, and the time Pata taught Crystal how to drive a stolen car. The girls take some listener questions, give a PSA about trunk junk, and close out with a Dom story. As always, dysfunction at it's finest. 😬🙏

    Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com

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    4: Grandma Candy & Pocket Cheese Oct 23, 2018

    This week the deviant duo return with even more dysfunction. Vaginal hygiene, loving people while they're here, Halloween, ghost stories and superstitions. Later in the show they answer some listener questions, talk about male hygiene and a Dom story to finish you off 💦… enjoy.

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    3: Tether Ball Oct 16, 2018

    In this tell all episode Pata Fria and Crystal Barbie open up and share everything about themselves. Secrets are spilled. They discuss mental health, why we (women) settle for the bare minimum, and the difference between pedophiles and cougars.

    Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com

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    2: Dark Web Oct 16, 2018

    This episode requires a trigger warning. Serious issues are discussed including domestic violence, sex work/safety, murder, child abusers, and child molestation. The duo also touches on lighthearted subjects; The slut walk, favorite podcasts, birth charts, mental health, and a haunted house story that will definitely change the mood.

    Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com

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    1: Purple Taser Oct 11, 2018

    For episode one, Pata Fria and Crystal Barbie come out with a bang. The girls start off discussing Pata Fria's recent BBL (Brazilian Butt Lift), crazy Florida stories, the infamous purple taser, mental illness, medication and Crystal accidentally seeing her dad's package. They also go over Bill Cosby, bullies, raunchy sex stories and receiving electronics from family members that still contain dick pics.

    Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com

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