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    Games & Hobbies

    Square Roots – THE Classic RPG Podcast

    Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they’re the fun kind of dumb, and that’s what counts.

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    Latest Episodes:
    Square Roots October Spooky Story Spectacular! Featuring Vanessa Ghostface Jigsaw REUPLOAD Oct 22, 2026
    Show notes

    Square Roots October Spooky Story Spectacular! Featuring Vanessa Ghostface Jigsaw Square Roots - Episode 535

    Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:59 Level Up: 0:21:48

    Our schedule was getting all over the place, so we've got a short catch up episode before we finish Final Fantasy XIII next Monday! So we discuss some Hot Gaming News, sppoky games, level up classics of our experiences with ghost stories! Also Johnny's underwhelming road trip with Vanessa and her mom, and Vanessa's airport Michael Sheen adventure in Vanessa's Dream Corner.

    This Week: WE STALL FOR ONE MORE WEEK! Next Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII! FOREVER!

    Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

    Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Final Fantasy XIII Part Seven: HECKACHUNKER! Oct 12, 2026
    Show notes

    Final Fantasy XIII Part Seven: HECKACHUNKER! Square Roots - Episode 534

    Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:45 Quest Log: 0:22:11 Level Up: 1:40:14

    This week on Square Roots we barrel through a giant, double stuffed chunker full of all the side quests in the game. Because Chapter 11 has all of them. Also! There's a tower at the end, but is it the first real dungeon of the game?

    A One Hit Pizza Candy Hog Is Bart the Worst Final Fantasy Villain? Matt Compulsively Plays A Game He Doesn't Like

    This Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 11! Next Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII! FOREVER!

    Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

    Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Final Fantasy XIII Part Six: Chapter 11 Mailbag Episode! Oct 05, 2026
    Show notes

    Final Fantasy XIII Part Six: Chapter 11 Mailbag Episode! Square Roots - Episode 533

    Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:02:45 Mail Bag: 0:27:00 Smoosh Mouth: 1:20:25 Level Up: 1:31:45

    This week on Square Roots we don't actually do a quest log because there's not that much to talk about with Chapter 11 of Final Fantasy XIII, it's just super long, so we're giving Johnny specifically time to work his way through all those Ci'eth stones! We answer such questions as:

    What polygon to put Lara Croft's nipples on in a PS1 nude mod? Why you should not wash your teeth with a bottle of jack? Is Bowser a Dom? Why isn't Midbus dateable? ALSO SMOOSH MOUTH!

    This Week: MAILBAAAG Next Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 11!

    Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

    Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Final Fantasy XIII Part Five: Jihl Nabaat Is A Nerd Sep 28, 2026
    Show notes

    Final Fantasy XIII Part Five: Jihl Nabaat Is A Nerd Square Roots - Episode 532

    Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:03:10 Quest Log: 0:21:20 Level Up: 1:24:25

    This time on Final Fantasy XIII, blood comes out of Matt's eyes as he tries to be nice about the game. But we all love Barthandalous! "Eat my shorts," he says.

    Also: • Derek Waters is Bilbo Baggins Coded • Game Pass Ads • Pop It Back In, It's Fine • Matt Says PBR tastes like Skunk Juice • The First Time In The Game You Can Speak To An NPC • I Paused My Game to Be here

    This Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 10! Next Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 11!

    Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

    Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Final Fantasy XIII Part Four: Are They Space Friends Or Are They Lesbians? Sep 21, 2026
    Show notes

    Final Fantasy XIII Part Four: Are They Space Friends Or Are They Lesbians? Square Roots - Episode 531

    Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:10 Quest Log: 0:26:21 Level Up: 1:55:42

    This time on Final Fantasy XIII: secrets are revealed! Anger is confronted! Australians are outed!

    Also: • He is the Best at What He Does, and What He Does is QuickTime Events • People Can Be Bisexual, Matt • Nobody Thinks Of Him As From Tarzan • No Witnesses Means Full Stealth • It's A Long Air Pod • Fireworks That Drop CDs

    This Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 8! Next Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 10!

    Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

    Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Final Fantasy XIII Part Three: A Bottomless Reservoir of Chrys Points Sep 14, 2026
    Show notes

    Final Fantasy XIII Part Three: A Bottomless Reservoir of Chrys Points Square Roots - Episode 530

    Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:05 Quest Log: 0:22:20 Level Up: 1:19:00

    Okay, we start off with a bit of a blunder, but we can all recover from it! Even Vanessa! Yes, THIS is the episode where Lightning has the Worst Birthday Ever, because she makes her sister becoming a l'Cie ALL ABOUT HERSELF. Also she gives Hope a knife to kill her future brother in law.

    Also: • I Was Happy To See A Character Or Event • OD Was The Dog From Garfield • Vanessa Boyfriend, Janosz from Ghostbusters II • Most of the Animals are Cyber • A Lot of Shots of Lightning Saying "Tsk!" and Looking Away

    This Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 6! Next Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 8!

    Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

    Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Season 82 Ep 3

    Final Fantasy XIII Part Two: A Motorcycle Made Of Lesbians Sep 09, 2026
    Show notes

    Final Fantasy XIII Part Two: A Motorcycle Made Of Lesbians Square Roots - Episode 529

    Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:04:30 Quest Log: 0:26:10 Level Up: 2:08:10

    Wait, you can use libra twice? WHAT? WHY? HOW?! WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL ME, unless it was in a datalog or a tutorial window I skipped or the manual. Anyway this time on Square Enix's epic Final Fantasy XIII, we mostly walk a lot.

    Also: • Lesbian Cops • Big Cloud Energy • A Beta Behemoth AND an Alpha Behemoth • Pulled Pork Is Not Ham

    This Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 4! Next Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 6!

    Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

    Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Season 82 Ep 3

    Final Fantasy XIII Part One: The Sacrificial MILF, Nora Aug 31, 2026
    Show notes

    Final Fantasy XIII Part One: The Sacrificial MILF, Nora Square Roots - Episode 528

    Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:02:35 Quest Log: 0:29:35 Level Up: 2:20:00

    Finally, it's time to face our destiny as L'Cie. Or a PULSE L'Cie. Or a Fal'cie. Or a Cie'th. In Final Fantasy XIII by Square Enix!

    Also: • This game has voice acting. • Big Cloud Energy • That's Where She Keeps Her Potions • Beta Cuck Behemoth • Hawthorne Heights Hair • This Guy Listens to 311 • Wakka With A Gun

    This Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 2! Next Week: Finish Final Fantasy XIII Chapter 4!

    Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

    Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Dispatch Part 4: So It's Just the End of Wild Wild West? - Episode 527 Aug 25, 2026
    Show notes

    Dispatch Part 4: So It's Just the End of Wild Wild West? - Episode 527

    We finished Dispatch! Wow. What a game. What else is there to say? Lots, apparently.

    This Week: Finish Episode 8 of Dispatch! Next Week: Finish Chapter 2 of FFXIII!

    Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

    Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Dispatch Part 3: Kingdom Hearts 4: A Puzzle of the Flesh Aug 17, 2026
    Show notes

    Dispatch Part 3: Kingdom Hearts 4: A Puzzle of the Flesh Square Roots - Episode 526

    Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:40 Quest Log: 0:30:15 Level Up: 1:56:41

    We are terrified with our encounters with the ultimate villain of Dispatch: SLADE!

    Also: • Ten Minutes on Yeast Infections • Another Ten Minutes on Pizza Bagels and Rolls • Kevin Costner Is Just Boring Patrick Swayze • Matt Forgot His Belt • Vanessa Wants A Salt Lick

    This Week: Finish Episode 6 of Dispatch! Next Week: Finish Dispatch!

    Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven

    Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

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